Author: arlanadya

So, how was the whole new world that I lived in?

Is it good?Nice?Suck?

In ordered to answer that question, I should go back first to that particular Wednesday night. What did those 4 hours do to us?

Well, that night, I told him everything  that I didn’t know that I could tell someone before. I told him that I liked these past few weeks minus the bad times. I felt comfortable talking with him. I liked to keep it simple as before. I also told him about me liking someone for 7 years, which were still counting until I met him, or maybe at present, and this was the first time I’d been this close with any guy after him. Close that couldn’t be defined as ‘just a friend’.

Then, I told him, I had no interest in having relationship with any guys until I had my bachelor degree, which still would be in 4-5 years later. I had enough to deal with my last national examination, university entrance examination, as well as my very last piano examination. It gave high stress enough. I didn’t need more, such to deal with other’s feeling.

He was silent for a moment when I told him that and then started to argue. Said that he understood about that and had no intention to mess with all my exams. Meanwhile he had his too. He told me that he prefered to have everything clear. He wanted me to be always here. Anytime he needed me. Said I was the right person at wrong time. Because I came when everyone left. Listened to all the things he complained about, soothed him whenever he needed, helped him to through this post break-up period.

I was a bit disappointed to hear that. So, i told him he might be wrong about his feeling for me. Said that he didn’t like me, but he just had this idea of liking me, because what I did for him.  But then, it was no problem. As me myself hadn’t been that sure also whether I truly liked him or what. So, let’s just being friends.

He didn’t agree. He didn’t want to be my friend. For whatever reasons that I told him before, he was sure enough he didn’t want a friend. He needed not one.

That was the most confusing point of our conversation. I was pretty sure that despite my feeling toward him, I didn’t want to have a relationship too at that moment. I didn’t want to feel I was ‘owned’ or labelled as someone’s girl friend. But, I loved to keep this on.

We kept arguing until at one point, (I forgot who proposed this, maybe I did) we had this agreement. That we would keep this going, without any label. But, he told me that he prefered that I wasn’t seeing someone else too. I answered seeing him was enough problem. I was not looking for more:))

I agreed in few conditions : we kept it closed, not asking meeting often (not at all if he could), no house visit. I strictly prohibited everything that could make anybody talked about this. Only for the inner circle. Our best friend would be fine. But, please not too many. I wanted to keep it undercover. He agreed.

So, that was it.

The next days continued like we were really together. Had those endless texts everyday, phone calls, and suddenly, I spent almost twice to pay for phone bill;))

So, the answered the question above is happy then?

There you wish. I knew before that the agreement that day came together with others consequences that I had to face in the future. The simplest one about meeting up. Several times he asked to go out, insisted to pick me up from school, watched movie together,etc. At first, I could warn him about our agreement. But as he kept asking all the time, I could no longer use that. It just made us quarrel. I hated it if we quarreled. So, there came the time when I finally agreed to go out with him. Because he said that he needed to talk about something which he didn’t want to do it by phone nor text.

It was on Friday afternoon. Our first date was at Pizza Hut. The place is still there, but it’s no longer Pizza Hut, but Hoka-Hoka Bento.

I arrived earlier, after I had my piano courses. I forgot whether I really didn’t have my evening class or I skipped it. We met at 4 pm. He came maybe 10 minutes after me, then we went upstairs and chose the two-seats near the window. I was so nervous at that time. I never went out with anyone before. Not this kind of date. It felt really weird that I was truly doing this. A funny fact, that day we wore the same brand of shirt of Hush Puppies. I wore the white t-shirt while he wore blue-green shirt. I can’t help smiling while remembering this:)

It turned out that something that he wanted to talk about was his ex-girl-friend. I didn’t really understand what was the point of discussing her ex-girl friend with me, while I was pretty sure that I didn’t like her much. Not because of her being his girl friend, no problem about there, but, this girl had once come to the English course just to see which girl who had been close with her boyfriend after the break-up. She came to me asked my name, asked whether I was his friend,etc. She was so intimidating at that time. I admitted I was quite scare, though I didn’t show it. Not scare of her, (of course!) but I didn’t want to be seen as if I was quarrelling over a boy. Oh, please. Just shoot me if i did -_-

I kept listening to him in spite of my unapproved to the topic. He said that he wanted me to know his situation. The situation where he still met his ex girlfriend everyday at school, while they were also in the same circle of friendship, his feeling toward him that might not 100% cured, and so on. To be honest, I didn’t what to feel hearing all of that. I meant, well, it was logic that he couldn’t overcome his feeling toward her yet, while they were this close at school, while in other side, it was confusing why then he asked me to stay. If I looked back, maybe there was a bit of jealousy there.

In the end of his explanations, he asked my opinion. So, i just told him what I wrote about minus the jealousy part but I added something. Told him that my feeling had not been 100% too for him, since I had liked this boy from my elementary for 7 years. It was impossible that it disappeared suddenly. So, we were kind of even here. We were together while we’re dealing with our past.

But then he asked me question about my past. Asked how much that person still occupied my mind. Err.. I remembered that I answered with percentage, but not remembered how much exactly the number;)) Then, he seriously said that he didn’t like competition which was the soft translation of he didn’t like to have competitor. Still in his serious tone, he said that he would make sure I would forget that guy soon. You’d see, he said.

That afternoon, I came home with lighter heart. I was quite relieved that we talked over this. Somehow, the conversations showed me that he really trusted me, and he didn’t mind sharing everything with me. I received a text once I arrived home :

” Gosh! I forgot to tell you something! I forgot to tell you that I love you so much,dear.”

…..

Love?

Saying things that I could hardly handle was something that he was really good at.

It surely is on fire. My writing mood. Let’s proceed, shall we?

Something definitely changed after that Saturday afternoon phone call. I knew it, he surely did too. But… I chose to ignore it. Or, tried my best to avoid it, to be honest.

I had my reasons. First, it was getting scare. Really, at first I was ok. I enjoyed our talks, our jokes. I felt like this was so good. I never knew that I could be this comfortable talking to someone whom I’d just met. It amazed me that this time I didn’t behave as bad as before.

Bad means bad. I once just walked away when my friend wanted to introduce me to her friend, our senior. This guy had been asking my friend to introduce him to me for days. Then, when we accidentally met somewhere at school, my friend happily shouted at him to introduce us. Then, when he came, I just stared at him, then left.

What could be worse and stupid? I didn’t do that only just once. Almost every time. But, this one, this time, I didn’t. I didn’t run, I didn’t make excuses. Or, let say not in the first step. It was a major change.

Second and the rests, I was not ready. Not at all. Period.

That Saturday afternoon phone call brought all those situations we had before to all new level. He was more clear in expressing his feeling. Several times he threw those lines that I was unable to counter. I often made jokes when his text felt dangerous, and often worked also. But then, I had a good rival here. His texts became softer, caring, and confusing. That was so new to me.

I never had someone intensely greeted me every morning, asked how my day was, and in the end of the day, wished me nice dream.  It even sounded so wrong. It was getting hard because not only him, but I had to fight my self too. Half of my self wanted to try this, and the other half didn’t.

What made it harder, all these players were equally stubborn. Real stubborn. He was so persistent. Asked me to go out, wanted to send me home, celebrated his birthday with me, and many more. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to do all those things, at all. Not because of him, but I didn’t fancy doing that. While he had no idea why I was so hard, I too didn’t understand why he was so persistent. He might think that it were all usual things a guy asked to a girl he liked, while I thought that why tried so hard if this girl refused it.

But then, it was only half of my self that refused it. The other half was so curious to see what happened if this continued. That was why, it kept going. Something inside me made it kept going. I felt like betrayed by me. That one who didn’t obey the other that wanted to stop. This time, I was totally dragged out of my comfort zone. Instead of avoiding, I pushed to face it.

The texts then felt like a time bomb that could explode at any time. I was becoming so careful in replying the texts. I tried my best not to hear any dangerous statement from him. I wanted this as we had this on the first place, nothing more.

Then, the bomb finally exploded on one Wednesday night. I still remembered that night. Again, it started from text messages. Few days before, his texts were those of the most uneasiness I’d ever had. Kept being cynical of our status, what term that defined us best, and so on. Many of those texts needed me to spend hours just think about how to reply it, well.., right. So much energy just to reply a text!

Maybe that Wednesday night he reached his limit. And I knew that I could no longer hide, nor avoid it. The only choice left was to face it so we would know what to do next. His texts that night were very clear. He clearly said that he didn’t want to keep wondering all the time. He wanted to hear from me what I felt about us. He had done his part.  By telling me ” I think I like you. A lot”. It was beyond clear.

I made up my mind. Told him that this time, I would call him and talked about this not by texts. We talked. I remembered how tense that night was. I called him from my home number. It was a very long talk. I finally told him everything. What I thought about this, how I felt for him, and what I wanted after this. I told him all, please note it, bravely.

Somehow, I couldn’t believe that I did it. Confessing my personal feeling to someone else. It was real me. Even after 4-hours-long talk and hung up the receiver, I just sat still for moments, couldn’t say any words and kept asking, ” Is it really me? Am I crazy? What the h*ll am I doing?” I must be insane.

It seemed everything happened beyond my control. The harder I tried to stop this, the more complicated it would be. So, after that night, i gave up a bit. Just a bit, not much. Not only me, the other party himself also changed. He became less gloomier, the texts were somehow more cheerful while, with his cheesy-tried-to-sound-romantic lines, and in someway, um.. there were affection. What surprised me, unconsciously, I gave it back. Kind of naturally. Like it wasn’t something new for me. But then again, just a bit, not much.

I learned a lot from this new experience. Learned to deal with other’s feeling, learned to compromise about something, learned to be more open and let other person knew what I felt, learned about many new things that I maybe knew what before, but never knew how.

Learned and experienced a truly whole new world in 18 years of my life.

…

It’s been always the first for everything. First step, first word, first love.

I had one of my first recently. My first Eid. 

First Eid without my dearest mum. As well as first Ramadan.

Ramadan has been always my favorite time of the year. The ambience, the feeling, it’s been always different from any other months. It’s also the time for family. We would have sahur together in morning, and try as best as we can to have ifthar at home.

My Ramadan had been wonderful as far as i remember. I loved it best while I was in elementary school. But, then, last Ramadan, that was so far, the plainest Ramadan I’ve ever felt.

Yes,plain. I used to have sweet one. I had full fasting, alhamdulillah. Never missed any day to break fasting at home, except one when I went to watch Liverpool with him. Couldn’t help crying on few first days. It was so heart breaking no longer having her at the dinner table. 

Then, it turned out that this Ramadan, brought another thing that i didn’t know that i can do before. We made this Lebaran with our tradition Lebaran cookies. Chocolate chip, Kaastengel, and Strawberry Cookies. It was hard to believe that we really made it. Somehow, I thought that she might help us from up above. 

But then, nothing beats the sadness about having Takbiran and Eid prayer without her. I was crying over the night, in the morning, and along the Eid prayer. That was the time when it was so hard to believe that she’s gone. It hit me hard that things wouldn’t always be the same.

Things change and you have to go on. Whether you like, or not.

What I’ve been doing?

Where am I heading to?

What are my next goals?

Lately, I just feel lost. If someone ask me How’s life?

Then I’d probably answer :Umm.. i’m..lost?

Is it true that losing your loved one(s) can literally make you feel lost?

I do feel that. I’m no longer have dreams that make me feel excited to pursue, to make it real happened. Paris, Milan, Barcelona are no longer giving me stomach-ache by remembering them, of how much I really want to be there before this.

I thought of how great it will be to be a mother. But now, I just feel anxious every time I think about it. Not that I don’t want to be one, but the thought of raising child(ren) is quite frightening,now.

Work?Just refused another good opportunity. No regret.

I feel like trapped in my own body and mind.

And I miss my mum.

Badly.Boldly.

..when she’s gone

It’s true. My life has been just fine these days. fine.

Even after a month, these eyes are still so teary every time i remember her. any single things about her.

I miss her more on Fridays. My mind keeps flashing back to that black friday. It’s literally black, the sky, the atmosphere of the room. Everything.

Let’s go back.

I didn’t stay with her on Thursday night, that was one of two days which i didn’t stay with her. I went aerobics in Friday morning, then big bear picked me up the we went together to the hospital.

I was phoned that her doctor wanted to talk to me, which later he just wanted to say that her conditions is getting worse and it was ok to bring her home.

I kept telling big bear to hurry while he was driving. There was uncomfortable feeling inside that i couldn’t explain that made me really want to meet her soon. The doctor stood me up almost 1 hour that i really wanted to leave him.

At 11 am, i entered the room. the atmosphere was so different. It’s so quiet. Me and ts took turn. Minutes after big bear left me for Jum’at prayer. Then, there was me and her alone.

A nurse was there, checking her temperature and blood pressure. I saw her did it once, then, she did it again. It gave me a shiver, and ask how was it. She said it was 37,9 C and 90/60. I felt more more uncomfortable hearing that. She almost never had that low, the blood pressure. And I asked again, how many times it’s been checked today. She said three times.

110/70

100/60

90/60.

If i said uncomfortable before, i felt that my heart stopped beating for a while hearing that.

I used to take some nap in the sofa while took care of her, but that Friday, I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I just felt that I don’t want to leave her.

So, I kept sitting next to her bed. Reading her Yassin, repeating tahlil for times, and only break for lunch and pray. I half slept beside her, whispering to her that  big bear made it to residency, as she always wish it, rubbing her hands, watching her heavy breathing. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

at 14.30, one of her dear friends came. Ask me to allow her in, I did. She was crying a lot. I did too.

This uncomfortable feeling was getting stronger after her friend went home. Even i hesitated to leave her alone for ashar prayer. Then at 16, i whispered to her ear, I wanted to pray first, a minute.

16.20, big bear came with batala. They just attended technical meeting for our reception. some minutes later, my aunt came. and, I didn’t know why, I followed her outside while she was talking with big bear.

Suddenly, batala called me, said that the nurses doing the suction. It was actually an usual medication they gave her, but i ran quickly to the room. I stood near her feet. All day long sitting next to her, I was watching the pulse in her neck beating all the time. Then I saw it.

I saw it’s no longer beating. Then my eyes caught the oxygen measurement tool in her finger, it showed 66, which normally it was between 90-92. I shouted panickedly to the nurse, i think there was a moment where i felt i was losing my brain, i just kept shouting, and ran to her ear. The nurses just realized that and hurriedly call the doctor.

What I’ve been doing in those last minuets was whispering tahlil to her ear, and crying hard. Crying hard till i wanted to vomit. Crying and shouting as loud as i could be. My dad joined me in those last minutes.

I couldn’t control my self. I keep crying and shouting until my aunt had to hold me tightly to calm me down. I ran to the bathroom because i couldn’t resist the intention to throw up all the things I felt inside. It was real. It was real that she’s gone. Forever.

The rest was history. I didn’t bother. What matter that she was no longer here.

It’s the 8th Friday since she left. I’m still crying hard. Everywhere.

Street, car, while praying, eating, name it.

All the memories about her seem so real, as if it just happened in a blink.

I bring her in everything I do, everywhere I go. I wear her veils, shoes, watch, bags. Eventough, wearing those things, will never replace how precious kissing her hand before going out, sleeping next to her watching korean drama, talking hours to her after she went home teaching in her room, hugging her and smelling her lovely scent, spending time doing many things together, which we, I and her, had a lot. Much more than anyone in the family, travelling together, again, only us, which I had more than my brother and sister. Bogor, KL, and our greatest trip together : Hajj.

But, that’s the very best I can do to keep her close. I bring her in my body, my mind, my heart. In every pray I spell.

Quoting from Yann Martel, Life of Pi :

“To lose your mother,… well, that is like losing the sun above you”

It is. There will be no more sunshine above me, ever.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. It’s not warm when she’s away.