Author: arlanadya

Ramadhan is here once again. It’s been a week. Although many things have changed,but Ramadhan as I remember.has always been heart-warming.

The title above sounds too serious,doesn’t it? It suddenly came up this morning after sahur and feel the urge to write it. Since the writing mood comes so rarely, I won’t waste it.

My life has changed a lot since the end of 2012. And since then, it feels like stuck in one point. Before that time, work had been quite exciting because I had always had something to aim for. Work (and money) was a tool for some purposes and it was enjoyable. The feeling to have your plan executed was awesome.

Lately, I just kind of living a life. Haven’t been anywhere for almost 2 years. It just a work for living. And in many times, it frustrates me a lot. Been complaining to him about quitting work either school or music work. I almosy lost all my interest in doing any work. Even usually I was quite exciting when payday came, rushing to the bank to arrange the money, it has changed too. I just checked it when it came then I just wait until I have time to go to bank.

I currently stop chasing something due to our situation. I mean with him studying,we don’t have much time and money to be spent for other things than to secure it for any rainy days. Plus, the little one is in its way here,so we even have to prepare more. Thank God, it’s been enough alhamdulillah and hope it will always be sufficient.

But then, as I am aged, I really want to pursue something again. First thing first, Europe. You know,it has been my constant stomach-ache since a very long time. Along these 2 years I tried my best to not to think about it that much. But, I will never be able to forget about it. The very first thing I really want to do after he finishes studying insya Allah is executing this one. Either alone or together. Sounds selfish? Maybe.

But my plan now can’t be just merely my plan. It has to do with many people. So, I think this one of an important lessons for you kids,do many things as much as you can when you have your time and freedom. Before selfishness can’t be your middle name any longer. I hope I,and your father can support you as best as we can to let you experience as many as possible best things in life,amin.

My last sentence might be my new way of redefining a life..

As I remembered, days after that afternoon date at Pizza Hut were quite err.. happy,funny?maybe something like that. Since it’s been quite long time that i was close to anybody whom I liked too. For me, in a relationship it is very important to be with someone that i like too. I never take any risk to accept someone’s feeling if i dont feel the same way too. That was why i rejected some boys during junior high and senior high before his time (please bear with my humble brag;)).

But,then again, those funny and happy days didn’t last too long. More problems arose. More because of our disagreement in many things. Well,honestly my disagreements. As i told here before, i just wanted to keep it simple. Chatting over text and talking on the phone were enough. More than enough for me but not for him.

For him, it was important that we should meet,eat together, watch movies,date on the weekend,etc. So I was telling him that he could do that with other girl. I was being straight from the start that I couldn’t be like that. I wouldn’t. Another reason that I didn’t tell him was my parents would never ever allow me. But I didn’t feel like to drag my parents to my reason. 

There were countless fight and quarrel over so many things that made me often really wanted to quit this. Until we finished our national examination on May 2003, that was the time that i felt i couldn’t take it any longer. It was in a late night that I finally had the courage to tell him about how stress i had been for these few months. Told him i really couldn’t handle it. I was not happy every morning i woke up and knew that we were together. I wanted to be back as a friend. I promised that I would not go anywhere. I would be just here anytime he needeed me. But I asked him to straighten things out that we were just friends. Only friends. 

I thought that i would feel better telling him all those words. Then, I was totally wrong. It was terrible. Heard him crying it was even more hurtful. Even after i hung up the phone i couldn’t help crying and sending him texts saying that i was really sorry. Even there were somedays afterward that i had this thought of asking him to be back together. But I just couldn’t do that. Knowing I might hurt him more later if i did that.

It was on May, 11th, 2003, that night, i had a promise made myself that I wouldn’t be involved in any close relationship with anyone until i graduate from my bachelor degree 4-5 years later.

A promise that turned out i really kept and made while hurting quite few hearts along the way. 

I am, always envy those who can write consistently and produce good writing.

Because it’s very hard to write and keep writing daily. Like now, I’ve no idea what I want to write. Just babbling around.

Dad,bro,and sis will come home in few days from Hajj Insya Allah. During these 1,5 months, I’ve the most meetings up in a year. College best friend, high school mates, and last Sunday, met up after 11 years, my ILP fellows. Those people whom I met when my a lifetime love story began. The Doctor’s high school friends, as well as my elementary friends too, Funny, wasn’t it?

And, today, is the first day of 1435 H, I’m going to meet my longest best friend, from elementary and junior high. Yeah, meeting up is very pricey these days. I’m also envy those who can constantly set up a meeting with their old friends. 

I think. t’s getting hard for me because I stop making friends since years ago. If I look up my phone book, and think of talking to someone, it’s been always the same persons. It’s either The Rangers, Noni, Astrid, or few of my high school friends, last but not least, my sister and bien sur, Le docteur. No new ones. All came from at least 11 years ago.  

I’m also turning 29 last October. 29, what a number, isn’t it?Soon my 20’s will be over. One of the best decade in one’s lifetime,mine too. I had the highlights of my life during this ten years. Bachelor degree, become a real teacher as I dreamed, went abroad, master degree abroad, went Hajj, got married. What a blessing. I just wish and pray hard for one more huge blessing in the end of these great 10 years. May Allah pleases to give me that chance. Amin.

So, I think that’s all the babble this morning. It’s holiday and le husband is around. So, hopefully, good day it is!

Au revoir;)

So, how was the whole new world that I lived in?

Is it good?Nice?Suck?

In ordered to answer that question, I should go back first to that particular Wednesday night. What did those 4 hours do to us?

Well, that night, I told him everything  that I didn’t know that I could tell someone before. I told him that I liked these past few weeks minus the bad times. I felt comfortable talking with him. I liked to keep it simple as before. I also told him about me liking someone for 7 years, which were still counting until I met him, or maybe at present, and this was the first time I’d been this close with any guy after him. Close that couldn’t be defined as ‘just a friend’.

Then, I told him, I had no interest in having relationship with any guys until I had my bachelor degree, which still would be in 4-5 years later. I had enough to deal with my last national examination, university entrance examination, as well as my very last piano examination. It gave high stress enough. I didn’t need more, such to deal with other’s feeling.

He was silent for a moment when I told him that and then started to argue. Said that he understood about that and had no intention to mess with all my exams. Meanwhile he had his too. He told me that he prefered to have everything clear. He wanted me to be always here. Anytime he needed me. Said I was the right person at wrong time. Because I came when everyone left. Listened to all the things he complained about, soothed him whenever he needed, helped him to through this post break-up period.

I was a bit disappointed to hear that. So, i told him he might be wrong about his feeling for me. Said that he didn’t like me, but he just had this idea of liking me, because what I did for him.  But then, it was no problem. As me myself hadn’t been that sure also whether I truly liked him or what. So, let’s just being friends.

He didn’t agree. He didn’t want to be my friend. For whatever reasons that I told him before, he was sure enough he didn’t want a friend. He needed not one.

That was the most confusing point of our conversation. I was pretty sure that despite my feeling toward him, I didn’t want to have a relationship too at that moment. I didn’t want to feel I was ‘owned’ or labelled as someone’s girl friend. But, I loved to keep this on.

We kept arguing until at one point, (I forgot who proposed this, maybe I did) we had this agreement. That we would keep this going, without any label. But, he told me that he prefered that I wasn’t seeing someone else too. I answered seeing him was enough problem. I was not looking for more:))

I agreed in few conditions : we kept it closed, not asking meeting often (not at all if he could), no house visit. I strictly prohibited everything that could make anybody talked about this. Only for the inner circle. Our best friend would be fine. But, please not too many. I wanted to keep it undercover. He agreed.

So, that was it.

The next days continued like we were really together. Had those endless texts everyday, phone calls, and suddenly, I spent almost twice to pay for phone bill;))

So, the answered the question above is happy then?

There you wish. I knew before that the agreement that day came together with others consequences that I had to face in the future. The simplest one about meeting up. Several times he asked to go out, insisted to pick me up from school, watched movie together,etc. At first, I could warn him about our agreement. But as he kept asking all the time, I could no longer use that. It just made us quarrel. I hated it if we quarreled. So, there came the time when I finally agreed to go out with him. Because he said that he needed to talk about something which he didn’t want to do it by phone nor text.

It was on Friday afternoon. Our first date was at Pizza Hut. The place is still there, but it’s no longer Pizza Hut, but Hoka-Hoka Bento.

I arrived earlier, after I had my piano courses. I forgot whether I really didn’t have my evening class or I skipped it. We met at 4 pm. He came maybe 10 minutes after me, then we went upstairs and chose the two-seats near the window. I was so nervous at that time. I never went out with anyone before. Not this kind of date. It felt really weird that I was truly doing this. A funny fact, that day we wore the same brand of shirt of Hush Puppies. I wore the white t-shirt while he wore blue-green shirt. I can’t help smiling while remembering this:)

It turned out that something that he wanted to talk about was his ex-girl-friend. I didn’t really understand what was the point of discussing her ex-girl friend with me, while I was pretty sure that I didn’t like her much. Not because of her being his girl friend, no problem about there, but, this girl had once come to the English course just to see which girl who had been close with her boyfriend after the break-up. She came to me asked my name, asked whether I was his friend,etc. She was so intimidating at that time. I admitted I was quite scare, though I didn’t show it. Not scare of her, (of course!) but I didn’t want to be seen as if I was quarrelling over a boy. Oh, please. Just shoot me if i did -_-

I kept listening to him in spite of my unapproved to the topic. He said that he wanted me to know his situation. The situation where he still met his ex girlfriend everyday at school, while they were also in the same circle of friendship, his feeling toward him that might not 100% cured, and so on. To be honest, I didn’t what to feel hearing all of that. I meant, well, it was logic that he couldn’t overcome his feeling toward her yet, while they were this close at school, while in other side, it was confusing why then he asked me to stay. If I looked back, maybe there was a bit of jealousy there.

In the end of his explanations, he asked my opinion. So, i just told him what I wrote about minus the jealousy part but I added something. Told him that my feeling had not been 100% too for him, since I had liked this boy from my elementary for 7 years. It was impossible that it disappeared suddenly. So, we were kind of even here. We were together while we’re dealing with our past.

But then he asked me question about my past. Asked how much that person still occupied my mind. Err.. I remembered that I answered with percentage, but not remembered how much exactly the number;)) Then, he seriously said that he didn’t like competition which was the soft translation of he didn’t like to have competitor. Still in his serious tone, he said that he would make sure I would forget that guy soon. You’d see, he said.

That afternoon, I came home with lighter heart. I was quite relieved that we talked over this. Somehow, the conversations showed me that he really trusted me, and he didn’t mind sharing everything with me. I received a text once I arrived home :

” Gosh! I forgot to tell you something! I forgot to tell you that I love you so much,dear.”

…..

Love?

Saying things that I could hardly handle was something that he was really good at.

It surely is on fire. My writing mood. Let’s proceed, shall we?

Something definitely changed after that Saturday afternoon phone call. I knew it, he surely did too. But… I chose to ignore it. Or, tried my best to avoid it, to be honest.

I had my reasons. First, it was getting scare. Really, at first I was ok. I enjoyed our talks, our jokes. I felt like this was so good. I never knew that I could be this comfortable talking to someone whom I’d just met. It amazed me that this time I didn’t behave as bad as before.

Bad means bad. I once just walked away when my friend wanted to introduce me to her friend, our senior. This guy had been asking my friend to introduce him to me for days. Then, when we accidentally met somewhere at school, my friend happily shouted at him to introduce us. Then, when he came, I just stared at him, then left.

What could be worse and stupid? I didn’t do that only just once. Almost every time. But, this one, this time, I didn’t. I didn’t run, I didn’t make excuses. Or, let say not in the first step. It was a major change.

Second and the rests, I was not ready. Not at all. Period.

That Saturday afternoon phone call brought all those situations we had before to all new level. He was more clear in expressing his feeling. Several times he threw those lines that I was unable to counter. I often made jokes when his text felt dangerous, and often worked also. But then, I had a good rival here. His texts became softer, caring, and confusing. That was so new to me.

I never had someone intensely greeted me every morning, asked how my day was, and in the end of the day, wished me nice dream.  It even sounded so wrong. It was getting hard because not only him, but I had to fight my self too. Half of my self wanted to try this, and the other half didn’t.

What made it harder, all these players were equally stubborn. Real stubborn. He was so persistent. Asked me to go out, wanted to send me home, celebrated his birthday with me, and many more. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to do all those things, at all. Not because of him, but I didn’t fancy doing that. While he had no idea why I was so hard, I too didn’t understand why he was so persistent. He might think that it were all usual things a guy asked to a girl he liked, while I thought that why tried so hard if this girl refused it.

But then, it was only half of my self that refused it. The other half was so curious to see what happened if this continued. That was why, it kept going. Something inside me made it kept going. I felt like betrayed by me. That one who didn’t obey the other that wanted to stop. This time, I was totally dragged out of my comfort zone. Instead of avoiding, I pushed to face it.

The texts then felt like a time bomb that could explode at any time. I was becoming so careful in replying the texts. I tried my best not to hear any dangerous statement from him. I wanted this as we had this on the first place, nothing more.

Then, the bomb finally exploded on one Wednesday night. I still remembered that night. Again, it started from text messages. Few days before, his texts were those of the most uneasiness I’d ever had. Kept being cynical of our status, what term that defined us best, and so on. Many of those texts needed me to spend hours just think about how to reply it, well.., right. So much energy just to reply a text!

Maybe that Wednesday night he reached his limit. And I knew that I could no longer hide, nor avoid it. The only choice left was to face it so we would know what to do next. His texts that night were very clear. He clearly said that he didn’t want to keep wondering all the time. He wanted to hear from me what I felt about us. He had done his part.  By telling me ” I think I like you. A lot”. It was beyond clear.

I made up my mind. Told him that this time, I would call him and talked about this not by texts. We talked. I remembered how tense that night was. I called him from my home number. It was a very long talk. I finally told him everything. What I thought about this, how I felt for him, and what I wanted after this. I told him all, please note it, bravely.

Somehow, I couldn’t believe that I did it. Confessing my personal feeling to someone else. It was real me. Even after 4-hours-long talk and hung up the receiver, I just sat still for moments, couldn’t say any words and kept asking, ” Is it really me? Am I crazy? What the h*ll am I doing?” I must be insane.

It seemed everything happened beyond my control. The harder I tried to stop this, the more complicated it would be. So, after that night, i gave up a bit. Just a bit, not much. Not only me, the other party himself also changed. He became less gloomier, the texts were somehow more cheerful while, with his cheesy-tried-to-sound-romantic lines, and in someway, um.. there were affection. What surprised me, unconsciously, I gave it back. Kind of naturally. Like it wasn’t something new for me. But then again, just a bit, not much.

I learned a lot from this new experience. Learned to deal with other’s feeling, learned to compromise about something, learned to be more open and let other person knew what I felt, learned about many new things that I maybe knew what before, but never knew how.

Learned and experienced a truly whole new world in 18 years of my life.

…

It’s been always the first for everything. First step, first word, first love.

I had one of my first recently. My first Eid. 

First Eid without my dearest mum. As well as first Ramadan.

Ramadan has been always my favorite time of the year. The ambience, the feeling, it’s been always different from any other months. It’s also the time for family. We would have sahur together in morning, and try as best as we can to have ifthar at home.

My Ramadan had been wonderful as far as i remember. I loved it best while I was in elementary school. But, then, last Ramadan, that was so far, the plainest Ramadan I’ve ever felt.

Yes,plain. I used to have sweet one. I had full fasting, alhamdulillah. Never missed any day to break fasting at home, except one when I went to watch Liverpool with him. Couldn’t help crying on few first days. It was so heart breaking no longer having her at the dinner table. 

Then, it turned out that this Ramadan, brought another thing that i didn’t know that i can do before. We made this Lebaran with our tradition Lebaran cookies. Chocolate chip, Kaastengel, and Strawberry Cookies. It was hard to believe that we really made it. Somehow, I thought that she might help us from up above. 

But then, nothing beats the sadness about having Takbiran and Eid prayer without her. I was crying over the night, in the morning, and along the Eid prayer. That was the time when it was so hard to believe that she’s gone. It hit me hard that things wouldn’t always be the same.

Things change and you have to go on. Whether you like, or not.