Jetpack has been feeding me with notifications of old writings that I wrote on the exact date in the past years.
At first, I found this quite annoying. Like some useless information that I didn’t need.
But then, since it keeps coming, I started to click one, then another one.
Strangely, I didn’t feel annoyed at all.
In fact, it has been heartwarming.
To re-read what I wrote in the past, to experience the past circumstances once again when I have walked far enough.
I love describing the situation in detail so I can really imagine the feeling.
Writing is not an easy feat. To organize your thoughts and pour them into proper writing is a mental exercise.
Writing clearly is another level which I think it’s something that I could never achieve in life time. But, life doesn’t need to be perfectly clear for us to do something.
I actually really miss those days when I write for the sake of wanting to write. I am grateful for all of those simple writings that I wrote carelessly without thinking about anything. I write because I want to and I love to.
I love those daily updates about life no matter how simple.
It shows that nothing is too small to be grateful for and not taking it for granted.
I should have done it too right now. Especially when many changes in daily and personal life are happening slowly in front of my eyes
Because these days soon to be categorized as throwback, classic material and rewind too in the future years.
Lately, I have been reading about how parents talk about their overwhelmed sons or daughters as they navigate university life.
Related to this, I also read that a woman said she preferred academic pressure to any other pressure in life.
It reminded me of a few things. A book and a few posts. Like this one, for example.
Moving from childhood, which is generally considered to be 0-18, to young adulthood, once someone gets into college, is just like moving from swimming in the pool to swimming in the middle of the ocean.
Swimming in the pool has a clear structure and scaffolding. Clear length and depth. You can see where it starts and where it ends. Usually, pool guards also stand around the pool to monitor, just in case someone needs help. It’s exactly like school years in childhood. Academic pressure has clear structure and expectations.
When you enter university life, the pool is no longer there. Some advisors can help you navigate campus life, but usually you are the main decision-maker for many things you need to handle day-to-day.
It’s exactly like swimming in the ocean. No clear edge; you never know what you will meet along the way, and rain and storms might come without warning. It requires not only constant swimming but also a lot of thinking about where to go.
There are three sports considered sunnah to learn in Islam. Swimming is one of them, along with archery and horse riding. It makes even more sense now.
People say swimming isn’t just a sport; it’s a basic survival skill. It actually has both literal and non-literal meanings.
Adulthood requires at least basic swimming skills to survive. The more swimming skills you master, the better. That is hard without a shortcut if no one trains you in childhood—no wonder those kids feel overwhelmed.
University life is just the beginning. Life after that requires stronger strokes to stay afloat in the midst of the chaos and confusion of real life in adulthood.
What career to choose.
Where to work.
Who to marry.
Where to live.
Boy, when I was little, I thought an adult knew what to do. Only when I turned into one did I realize everyone figures those out as they go.
Now in my 40s, looking around at my surroundings, friends, and family, I’ve realized not everyone is capable of or knowledgeable about all of the things above.
As my daughter is entering teenager years and a new level of schooling, I find it’s really getting harder on my part. In previous years, I thought I had taught her enough; recently, I’ve often felt so lacking.
Realizing how hard those things are even for adults, I couldn’t help but wonder whether she’d be able to make it. Have I really prepared her enough? Looking back, I didn’t think my parents did it intentionally. I just happened to be in the place where training for adulthood happened through the hidden curriculum, as I wrote in the tagged post.
Doing exactly what I experienced growing up for her, I found it didn’t work the way it did for me. Despite putting her in swimming and piano classes consistently since ages 2 and 5, and other things that we think can help her, the thought of not doing enough still lingers.
With her learning difficulties in the background, it sometimes makes things even harder.
(Being a parent is really hard).
She has many qualities that benefit from training, such as strong endurance and a high level of seriousness about learning. But she still needs a lot of guidance in deciding her direction.
Sometimes I really want to know if there is a specific course to teach that. Being raised by someone who knows how to do it doesn’t necessarily mean kids know how to do it too. We really can’t choose which trait we want to be fully transferable to our child.
I once told her dad that sometimes I feel like hurrying the process and letting go of the scaffolding too fast. Balancing letting go and keeping the pace is really tricky. I want her to launch, but in the right way and in the right direction.
As she gets older, I need to shift my mindset too. She needs a bigger pool to learn to swim better and get stronger. I need to let her go more than before. But at the same time, I need to make sure she doesn’t wander too far.
I keep reminding myself to enjoy this swimming in the pool period which goes faster than ever.
I define three objectives that I want for her, nothing about medals in metal, entering top schools, or anything similar to that.
At the end of her swimming training in the pool, I hope we can have someone with :
A strong and straight Tauhid.
The right moral compass to navigate the world.
A functional adult for herself and people around them.
Fulfilled, healthy, and happy are the byproducts I wish for her in achieving all those goals.
I have nothing to add other than may Allah make this easier.
Amin.
Other than the post above, I wrote two different posts with a similar theme, as far as I remember. This one and another from many years ago were about real-life readiness. Also, a book that suits the theme.
I have so many saved drafts and unfinished writing. Is it one of the signs of brain rot?
Parenting has been tough lately, personally. I know teenager years would not be easy, but regular anxiety combined with low energy while dealing with unexpected surprises along the way, I feel like entering a dark of long tunnel phase once again.
It’a not always rainy, but, unlike the early years that I feel (more) confident with what I know and what I can do, this phase I feel so uncertain and anxious. Little things that I thought she should understand already, it turned out she hasn’t yet, I really need to balance between my reality and my expectations.
I am having a hard time sorting and classifying which ones need strong emphasis, which ones need just a gentle reminder, and which ones I can let go of so I don’t waste my precious energy sweating the small stuff.
I often wonder if I want to see quick result or too much expectations that make she felt misunderstood. But, couldn’t help to use the same reaction whenever things don’t go according to my expectations.
That’s actually pretty frustrating for me.
I told her that I don’t ask much, just some basic things that we’ve been doing for many years repeatedly.
I went to a psychologist, and my opening sentence was: “I feel like I don’t know who this girl is.”
I thought I knew a lot about letting go as the kids grow older. I might have done some technical parts that are actually giving me some advantages, but the real letting go is not only about freeing up some tasks, the real deal of letting go is bidding farewell to the baby girl version and ready to embrace, accept, and adapt the person she is becoming.
It’s actually beyond wild. Words are not only sitting on my throat. It’s somehow lost into thin air. Blurry vision blocks my eyes. Nothing prepared me from having such emotional rollercoaster and grieving in silence that childhood is officially over. It’s not just twitching on my heart. It’s wailing loudly and bleeding without the wound.
I really need to remind myself that this period needs me to use a different mindset than the one I had during childhood. I keep reminding myself of the fact that she is not the only one who grows up, I am too getting older but still need to grow.
This is actually another battle.
I read a book in 2020 about the curve of happiness which at that time, I was in a peak of my 30s. It explained, based on research, life curve will sharply and slowly declined in early forty to mid years and slowly climb again nearing 50.
At that time, I wondered, how it would be. But, since last (two) years, life has been pulling out of certain things that I thought were my granted comfortable chairs for life.
Family conflicts, the relationship that was once close now grows apart, the events that rings a bell that no season lasts forever and I am currently living on a new one.
In the end, I took it as a new learning experience that gives me more assurance, without continuous learning, preparing and updating our knowledge and understanding of how much life can throw at us, getting older is indeed expensive in number and senses.
My current battle is not only about dealing with my teenage daughter, the most confusing is actually dealing with this nafs inside. A question : “what’s wrong with me” has been asked more often than “what’s wrong with her?”.2
Dealing with many things at once takes extra calm and wisdom, and no shortcut to mastering both. It’s been a slow earning through responding to real-life problems.
But, to say it’s all storm is obviously unfair.
The older I get, the more I realize my big win isn’t the flashy one. It lies in ordinary things done consistently that contribute to the ultimate goal of life: peace of mind.
To be healthy, to enjoy things I love, to do my worship at my pace without rushing, to feel sufficient with what I have, to experience pleasure in taking care of everything under my command, to spend my time according to my heart’s content, having freedom, power, and options to decide things daily- there are no medals for such things and there’s no way you can buy such things online.
I pushed myself to finish this writing by sitting in a table facing the fountain and main road while sipping a cup of my favorite pumpkin spice latte (only found one that sells thisI around my distance).
I was joining a class before this and after it ended, I was handed a marker to sign a particular board that is only eligible for those who have marked 100 hours. Officially part of the club 100.
This class is actually one of my to-do items for mental well-being.
I actually have so much Alhamdulillah more than Astaghfirullah.
I did visit a psychologist for the past two weeks.
At first, it’s about consulting the pre teen at home but more about how I have to deal with her and all issues related to it.
The session turned out to be more than just about being a mother of pre-teen.
It turned into a session that opened long kept and dusty pandora boxes inside full of traumas and resentments.
From childhood up to adulthood. How many of behaviors is actually the response of defense mechanism to many unprocessed wounds that just being thrown under the rug.
On the second meeting, she met my daughter first and then when it’s my turn, she said, “your daughter is totally fine. But, you’re not”.
The psychologist scrutinized all the little details through her questions that I couldn’t help answering and ended up taking a lot of tissues to wipe my eyes.
Several times, I found holding myself back to not blurt out the details. But, I feel like being attacked and all I want to do is just to surrender. I just want to let it out.
To say it out loud : yes, those the closest to me are the most trauma contributors in my life which residues I still carry to this day, no matter how much years have passed.
In that room, I feel seen and heard. All the pain felt inside, be it ones from growing up to adulthood and marriage, it’s all valid and I deserve to cry or curse as much as I want, again, no matter how much years have passed.
Processing and facing things that happened in those few specific years in few hours were like taking out long-kept trashes that are rarely untouched and just stay there, for more than thirty, twenty, fifteen and ten years.
But, I don’t like playing the playing victim card far too long. I don’t want to carry too much emotional baggage. My love for decluttering is applicable inside and outside.
I also fully acknowledge I have the capabilities to deal with it, with Allah’s help through any means.
That line above actually fit one tool that is called rationalization, which according to the psychologist, I use it too much until it becomes a shortcut that I often use to either protect myself or to avoid the pain.
I once ‘argue’ to her, but, life goes on and many times, it can’t wait until it all goes away. I need to go on and live, I have responsibilities, so, I just need to do what I have to do. We adult can’t depend on how we feel to function well.
She totally said, to rationalize is a very good skill to have, but, anything too much won’t do any good. What she offers me is to acknowledge more of the pain and give myself time properly before coming to rationalization. If I need to cry, then cry. She is very right when she said, no matter how much I say I already make peace with all of those events, be it ones growing up or during adulthood and marriage, some parts are not fully healed, yet, or never maybe.
But, I really mean it when I said I already let go everything. Although those still stay on the back of my mind, I have totally accepted those are part of the qada and qadr in the book that has been written fully. I think I don’t have to understand it anymore why it happens to me. I was done questioning why me and satisfied with what I understand : why not you.
I don’t have the urge to argue or to confront about anything to anyone anymore. I have done that too. I no longer have the desire to know more than what I knew. One part because it’s done and nothing I can do to change it, the other part is I believe Allah take care of it. I won’t be charged and responsible for everything that others done to me. My job is only to pay attention to how I respond.
I am fine is not a lip service. I mean it in a good way. And this one I think, it’s not rationalization. It’s the highest level of acceptance and manifestation of the last pillars of faith.
My only concern is how to not pass down as much to my daughter, consciously and unconsciously. Saving as much as I can do for her from unnecessary expenses in the future. Hoping she doesn’t have to pay the debt from what I don’t clear up.
Healing is indeed not a walk in the park. It’s brutally painful and difficult. It takes so much courage and bravery to face your own fears, pains and the ugly side of your life.
I am beyond grateful to be granted the chance and privilege to do this.
I think, that’s the most rational thing I have done as a mother and as a human being.
I chose a Hajj travel first and foremost because of their ititnearies, facilities then the price and value for money.
Choosing spending more over saving few thousand dollars for less turned out one of the best decisions made. Yet, not without flaws.
Staying in the best hotel in front of main gate of Haram really made the back and forth trip to the mosque so much easier. When choosing accomodations in Haram, few hundred meters are considered far enough, when your intention is to do all five daily prayers.
Then, no fighting for lift is also a huge pleasure. Unlike in other hotels, here we need to press the floor we stay then the monitor will assign you which elevator that will take you to your room. There are 12 elevators altogether.
Room was as comfortable as it is. Food spread was great.
Then, Allah took one tiny thing. The desire to eat and try everything despite everything served in front of my eyes.
Staying in four different places during three weeks, with so many choices in front of my eyes, I ended up with the same breakfast I had at home.
Greens, protein, and fruits. That’s it.
Lunch? Mostly some potatos and protein. One constant pick : eggplant. Left rice completely.
Dinner? The last two slides explained my dinner. I scooped rice for the first night in Haram because telor balado was served. It was one of the best telor balado I have ever tasted.
I always find provision/rezeki is one complicated thing to understand. This Hajj, especially six days in Mecca showed me that rezeki is truly not something you earn, you have, or you gain.
It’s everything you can enjoy to the fullest. Something that gives you maximum benefits to your body, mind and soul for you to be healthy, to perform Ibadah, to do your work and other responsibilities.
No wonder in the dua when one turns 40 in Quran, the first thing we asked is no longer about having more of anything.
First and foremost, we asked for gratitude for the blessing Allah bestowed upon us. Followed by doing good deeds and righteous children.
In turning 40, only those three matter the most.
Being in the 40 feels like moving to another layer of reality. Trying to comprehend that things that once gives you spark and excitement can fade without any specific reasons.
Remind me of tagline a section in Lidl : When it’s gone, it’s gone.
Doing Hajj 1433H in my 20s was insanely hard due to many personal circumstances, but it was enjoyable when it comes to little things that make it still a memorable trip.
Doing Hajj 1447H in my 40s was much easier and more convenient yet, less enjoyment of little things that previously could enjoy better.
That’s why people said travel when you’re young. Money will always return, but time, energy, spark, excitement, and the chance to enjoy things to your heart’s content, those are might not.
Hajj demands certain degree of struggle, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
What rarely discussed is the aftermath also demand another kind of struggle.
Recovery takes a while.
Persistent coughing souvenir.
Sleepless and jetlag that makes me writing this at unusual hours.
Endless rewind and replay all the things happen for that past three weeks.
The never ending talk inside the head.
The comeback to reality needs some work too. From living for waiting for one prayer time to another, without worrying about anything else, then returning to real life situations where you have to take care of everything, even from the first day you arrived.
I am not even complaining. Just pointing out the reality. It’s more than huge blessing to be able to return happily, fully charged spiritually, and hopefully, a better person as a whole.
This is why I said to the doctor, spare a week to ten days from literal return date to back to work date. We need that space between. Transition period is important after going through such extraordinary journey like Hajj, no matter how short it seems.
Hajj taught patience like no other. Apparently, the real practice is needed right away once we return. Like patiently waiting for the body, mind and soul to fully operate in normal schedule.
There’s an eye-opening narrative that said why Hajj’a last ritual closed by tawaf only without Sai? Because we part with Allah there and our Sai begins when we return to our daily life. Both are considered as ibadah. I once wrote in another social media, tawaf is easily done with sandals, but Sai needs shoes to do it comfortably. Sai needs bigger energy than Tawaf.
So, here we are, doing our Sai slowly.
I hope we’re recovering well, even better if it’s sooner and purely cured.
Untuk semua nikmat yang tak terhingga, dari keberangkatan hingga kembali ke rumah, menjalankan yang wajib hingga yang sunnah, menikmati hal-hal yang mubah, tanpa mengurangi esensi ibadah, Maktab bagus di Madinah dan Jarak terdekat dari pintu King Fahd di Mekkah, seluruh kemudahan yang diberikan tanpa susah, teman-teman yang baik dan ramah, Amirul haji yang detil, gesit, dan amanah, partner yang sabar (amin) dan ngga suka marah (amin), keluarga yang sudah membantu susah payah,
Alhamdulilah tanpa akhir untuk Allah yang Maha Pemurah.
We landed in Madinah safely all the way from Jakarta.
Hajj 1447H in Madina feels like redemption after two visits that didn’t go according to the plan back in 2012 and 2025. From doing Hajj and missing Madinah completely in 2012 to once in a blue moon delayed flight that cut more than half time spent here in 2025. Quoting my caption : “the sound of my broken heart in silence”.
To enjoy this tranquil city slowly and intentionally, on my own term with the best company(ies). Absorbing slow motion salah, the sound of bird chirping, the white noise after fardh prayer. Sitting and staring, brutally asking, shamelessly submitting personal requests, loudly whinning, wholeheartedly pleading everything the heart yearning for.
Keeping and including all my loved ones too on the list. May Allah allow everyone to be here again and again and enjoy all the blessing this city brings better than I have been.
Morning walk and dhuha in different places around the mosque. Circling the city by walk during salah interval. Trying karak tea from different stalls. Brisk walking to catch a spot inside the mosque during first three prayers. How I am gonna miss terribly all these routines.
This year Madinah’s experiences are solid proof of the du’a of Prophet Zakaria AS in surah Maryam.
“I have never been disappointed in my prayer to You, my Lord!”.
Allah knows. Allah hears and He will answer to you in the end, with the best answer more than what you asked.
If one asked some spiritual experiences during Hajj, the answer might be I didn’t have any. Nothing extraordinary that deserves a spotlight.
But, every little requests spelled casually or left unsaid, they’re all granted accordingly or even better.
I promised myself that I wouldn’t complain a single thing knowing I had done my best for the past few years, more intensely for the past few months after the official announcement, I gave myself a rest by letting go everything and let Allah decide whatever I had to deal with.
Along the journey, things fell into place. My lack of social skills is well-addressed, even Muzdalifah next to my roomate. Mina was placed next to one that I mentioned previous night. Glasses case were also well-taken care of.
The period has been consistently on time for the past few months and supposed to fall during days spent in Mecca. The thought I wasn’t getting any chances for prayers in Haram at all was a bit heartbreaking, but, as promised, I would accept everything. Usually, the probability of getting it later is higher,so hoping it would be the case.
A rare case happened that it came two days earlier, right when Mina was over and as usual lasted like normal days so I could enjoy four full days chasing an empty spot in Mataf, regular tawaf and the farewell one.
Last but not least, I’ve been searching for pocket Quran with translation since I was in Madinah that is easy to carry on a micro bag. It needs to be friendly for my old eyes too. Went in and out many stores in Madinah and couldn’t find what I was looking for.
First day in Mecca and went straight to the regular bookstore in Makkah Tower. It was standing and hidden right below the cashier table. As requested. Even better, another red like the one bought in 2003, and it’s also Yusuf Ali’s translation. Another best thing, it came with pocket riyadusssaliheen version. Both became my companions during hours spent in Mataf.
To say I was ecstatic was understatement. That feeling when life goes according to the plan or better.
Hajj 1447H feels like enormous blessing beyond words.
Good that now I understand it’s not because I deserve it, but it’s simply because Allah allows it.
In the previous post I wrote we have options but never the decision and the outcome. It is applicable when we choose which travel we want to go with, but we can’t choose the people.
One of the reasons why I changed the travel, other than the questions they couldn’t answer, it’s the people who I thought didn’t really match with who we are. Again, self awareness is the skill that will give you an advantage in any decision making.
How do I know? Price is the first filter. In Haji Plus, there’s very wide range and variety of price and it’s not only about facilities you get. My concern is more about kind of people we will travel with.
I ask Allah deliberately about this knowing how lacking I am in this department. In the first meeting in offline Manasik, I felt quite assured. Only one woman go alone, the rest goes with their mahram. This is a very important point. Why? When too many woman go alone, it will create unbalanced conditions. There’s another post on it.
In Mina, it truly shows how Allah fulfilled my request kindly. It doesn’t change me to be more sociable, but being among them, they let me to be who I am. I am only disturbed a bit by the situations not with the people and I fully understand we all tried to survive Mina.
What makes me finally chose this travel, the could answer everything clearly. Clear itinerary, clear vision, genuinely kind team and attention to details is top notch. Clear itineraries are useless when the people who travel can’t see it clearly. We Indonesians, being on time is not our strength.
This group proof that wrong. All those clear itineraries could be carried smoothly thanks to all the teams who communicate clearly and the people who follow them with discipline. I feel like travelling with my kind of people.
The 9-10 Dzulhijjah was crucial. Imagine moving from Arafah-Muzdalifah-Anjum for breakfast-Tawaf Ifadah-Sai-Back to Transit Hotel-Shower and Change clothes-Jumrah Aqabah-Back to Mina, are all done without any slightest internal problem. Everyone listen and obey without too many questions.
I said to the doctor, “if I build a country, I will recruit this people to join”.
