A Penny for My Pensieve

The past few years, I have been experiencing a lot of good relationships that turn sour, for many reasons.

Nothing lasts forever has been my evergreen favorite quote, but when things happen it’s never easy to recover from the pain and loss.

Whenever things get hard, the question in mind is always be, “What chapter that Allah wants me to learn right now?”.

The dark side of such experiences is the more understanding of how complex a human being is. You can know someone for years, have a good relationship for decades, yet, there are still possibilities that everything will turn into crumbs when you least expect it. It happens in any kind of ships where you’re emotionally invested enough.

In this kind of situation, more than grieving, I am more curious about the how and the why. I am always curious about human behavior and the reason why people do what they do. The explanation of last post is one of them that I could agree with.

I once wrote being an adult is hard. The older I get, the more I found being a decent adult is the true hard.

An adult who knows right from wrong.

An adult who understands how to set boundaries.

An adult who is sincerely considerate of others when they’re not in the room.

An adult who has a certain level of conscience that prevents wrongdoing when no one is watching.

On the bright side, the losses I have experienced feel like trials that test my internal systems. During turbulence, I watch how my body, mind, and soul handle unplanned, unexpected events. Are they solid enough? Can they keep me functioning normally amid the chaos? Or do they break down at the slightest inconvenience?

It’s been tested and true: solid habits help a lot. While certain parts inside are incredibly messy, the habits become the structure that keeps me standing. I also learned how powerful the mind is in choosing a perspective when dealing with the issue. Of course, above all, it has always been Allah’s mercy that keeps me going.

I put myself on the bench too. What have I done to trigger the circumstances? Apparently, the most logical explanation is that how people treat you reflects on them, not you, and there’s nothing you can do to control that.

The only thing we control is how we respond. It’s really hard to think critically, to respond calmly, and to keep your feet on the ground. Zoom out to make the problem shrink and tell yourself, “Let it go”.

I also saw the importance of possessing selective empathy. Empathy is a finite currency. We need to be strategically detached from anything and anyone except our Creator. Infinite empathy can lead to burnout and manipulation.

Doing some cognitive conservation and reserving empathy for the right people/things is the way to avoid self-bankruptcy.

We shouldn’t let emotional parasites drain our energy from doing the more important thing.

Always choose being kind over being nice.

Being nice is doing what is easy. Being kind is about doing what is right.

Don’t be nice to others while being unkind to ourselves. Doing what we think is necessary is how we show ourselves kindness.

In economic terms, it’s important to assess the ROI of emotional investment. If a relationship doesn’t offer the same level of respect and reciprocity, we can cut the cord, literally or emotionally, without guilt.

Last but not least, I think the most important lesson is that we are on our own. I think it is really important to master the skill of enjoying solitude in adulthood.

We are social mammals to a certain degree. But to enjoy our own company, to sit with our own selves and thoughts, is as important as having some people around. To feel enough inside, so there’s no need to chase approval outside.

Life begins in solitude.

It ends with solitude too.

Solitude is something that a human being should practice sitting with regularly.

It makes me breathe harder when I think of my daughter. Am I able to deliver such a hard lesson that our kindness is a gift to be earned, not a right to be demanded by others?

But, the reality tells me lessons in adulthood are something that can only be understood by having firsthand experience.

I hope Allah will make it easier for her.

Amin.

For 34 years, I lived in a home with a system that my late mom built. For the last ten years of those 34 years, I ran the system. I made a few adjustments, mostly to make it suit my preferences.

In 2019, I moved out of the house and started renting. At first, it looked like I was just moving half heartedly because some of the basic things like clothes and food, I still very much depended on my old home.

Moving to London changed many of the fundamentals of how my family operates. That was the first time I fully developed my household system.

Once we returned, we brought everything that worked well in London here and applied it. We are a family of three with no nanny, helper, or driver up until now. So all household work is done by family members and occasional outsourced helpers.

It’s been three years since we first lived in our own home, and I’ve found that making a system at home that works well isn’t easy. What I mean is for your home to be in a good state continuously, everything functions well, clean and tidy daily, it takes a lot of energy and money to maintain it regularly.

For the home to stay pleasant and comfortable, to come home to a place that can calm our nervous system, it requires a lot of invisible work that often we don’t appreciate enough.

The work is something, but beyond that; the thinking comes first. The mental load of taking care of a home doesn’t only work on the doing, but the thinking.

At our home, we separate clothes and trash in detail. We currently have 5 different trash bins for five types of trash. It doesn’t include the bathroom trash. We pay a recycling service company monthly. We use a composting machine to compost our food waste. We send our B3 trash to the nearest trash office.

Some visitors asked “Isn’t it confusing to separate into so many categories?”.

We have already gotten used to sorting out trash, but I find it extremely uncomfortable to see people mix everything in one place. We don’t take trash-sorting education seriously early on, so it’s almost impossible to do it later, while many countries make it a normal part of daily life from an early age.

Next is laundry. I don’t know where or when the idea to separate much of my laundry started. But since moving into this home, I’ve had a detailed laundry schedule based on the clothes in each basket. Not only based on colors, but also based on whose clothes and what kind. So far, there are seven laundry basket across this one story small home😂.

We use a machine to wash and dry our laundry, then fold it and put it in the cupboard, except for several dresses and shirts we wear to work and school. For those, I used an online service to iron them twice a month.

Since the system runs with no regular helpers, my daughter has been folding her own laundry since she was five. She is responsible for her own laundry, snack and lunch boxes, and taking out the recycling and trash to the garage weekly for pickup.

The machine does most of the dishwashing, and we run it every few days when it’s full. We rinse it first before putting it in the machine. We unload the dishes afterward; my daughter and I split the job.

We have a few tiny gardens around the home. These include the front yard, the sidewalk path garden, and the inner courtyard, which becomes the center of the home. Automatic sprinklers are installed in both the courtyard and the sidewalk garden, while we get help caring for the front yard.

I declutter regularly because we don’t have a gudang or storage room here. I use the same principle for how I treat things as I do for money. It should be flowing regularly. Nice plates and cups should be used regularly, taking turns. Carpets, throws, cushion covers, and prayer mats change with the seasons. They can’t just sit idly without having a chance to be displayed.

Taking care of a home can feel like it’s nothing, but once we neglect it, the impact is bigger than we think. A home could be beautiful, spacious, and pricey. But without a solid system to keep it running smoothly, it becomes a building without a soul.

In Islam, there’s a term called tadzkiyatun nafs.

Taken from samirmahmoud.com :

The purification of self (Tazkiyat al-Nafs) is an extremely important approach to perfecting the human condition and actualizing the state of being God’s vicegerent on earth. The term tazkiyah in the Arabic language means purification of something from impurities, and its growth, development and perfection.

Over the past three years, I’ve realized that caring for my own home is a spiritual journey. It trains my mind and soul to live mindfully and intentionally. It teaches me to let go of what no longer serves me. To repair before trading for a new one. To clean regularly so it serves happily for longer.

Tazkiyatun nafs doesn’t happen only in the five pillars of Islam that we practice regularly.

A training that we need to strengthen our souls can be found in taking care of our own home.

I always believe we need references to live a good life. As Muslims, we’ve been given the ultimate source: the Holy Quran. We are also blessed with the best human reference through Rasulullah SAW.

We can also have more references through any other means. Through people around us, through stories, or anything that can give insight into what a good life is, according to one’s definition.

I picked this book up a few weeks ago, and it feels like reading the wisdom of someone who has been through the life cycle I am currently in.

As I enter a new seven-year cycle, I find many chapters in this book personally relatable. The writer and I share a few similar habits from growing up, as I noted on some pages I captured on my phone while reading, from MBTI and money habits to the same self-defense mechanisms and how we handle them.

There’s also a major difference between us, such as how we translate the concept of spirituality.

But overall, it’s quite an insightful and interesting read, as expected of the famous author.

Entering the sixth cycle of seven years gives me a profound understanding of why the first thing we ask Allah in the dua at 40 is the ability to be grateful.

Humans are not elephants. We often forget.
We’re often blinded by the many eases bestowed upon us during good times and only remember how it feels during bad times.

One says the formula of happiness is reality minus expectations. It can be true, but I beg to differ and quite agree with a page in this book.

Real happiness is available when we are in a continuous, mindful state of patience and gratitude, meaning we take nothing for granted.

We often underestimate the blessings of ordinary things: waking up without pain or worry, a comfy bed, a roof over our heads, food in the fridge; even the ability to fart can be considered a blessing.

We don’t know what we got until it’s gone.

When the fourth seven cycle taught me patience during the low, the fifth taught me the other side. It turns out we don’t just need to be patient during storms and turbulence. In reality, we actually need more patience during the rainbow and sunshine, which is harder than I imagined.

The dua when one turns 40 is the dua from Prophet Sulayman. One who had been bestowed everything beyond wealth. Kingdom, power, authority, influence, everything.

Then He showed the lesson of how to have everything without allowing everything to have you.

The real test of patience isn’t when you have nothing; it’s when you have everything.

The youth, good health, great wealth, leisure time, and other khair that we currently enjoy are just another way for Allah to see what we will do when those things are in our hands and where they lead us. To see how much we take these blessings for granted.

It takes years of experience and reflection to reach such understanding. There are times when I feel we have had more than enough and wondered what these things are for. It came to me slowly that tests didn’t only come in a form of trial and turbulence but also ease and blessings.

Once we fully understand that, living mindfully should be the only way to go. Yet it doesn’t stop there. Knowing the theory doesn’t mean knowing how to do it in reality because it’s really hard to stay in the right state of mind when you have the opportunity to do anything. It really takes constant patience to stay aware and mindful, and to put into practice everything we read and know.

Another thing the book confirms is that, from my experience, combined with reading and observations, if we do things right and get the right training, then, by Allah’s will, it becomes easier to be yourself as you grow older, to live on your own terms, and not seek approval from anyone other than the True Master.

To stay on that path until the very end is, once again, another test of patience.

This book has a similar vibe and impact to Murakami’s What I Talk When I Talk About Running.

A good book always makes you do something about it after you finish reading it.

The aftermath makes me want to rant and write a long post.

I was born with close to zero competitiveness running in my blood . The only one I care to beat is no one but myself. If people want it, go ahead. If people can do it, please do.

I observe people a lot, but I observe myself more. I like doing things my way. I am always curious about how I come to certain conclusions, and I believe the decisions I make depend on how well I think and which perspective I take on the situation.

In grade 2, I realized where I stood in the class. In my first term, I was fourth, and then I relaxed. The next term, I was fifth, and the last term, I was eighth.

Then I realized I needed to work harder to get a better position. I care not because I wanted to beat those above me, but I did care because I saw that being at the top of the ladder gave some advantages I found interesting. But I also realized that no matter how much I tried or how hard I worked, I never really reached the very top.

Later I knew that it’s not about a fixed mindset. It’s about understanding the Qadr that Allah placed upon each of His creations. Allah put not just Qada but also Qadr in everything we receive. Working harder than your best limit is neither decrease or increase it. To arrive here, that is too a long way of understanding.

I spent so much time growing up in many competitive settings my parents arranged, and I realized early on that I didn’t have that desire in my blood. The only reason I kept doing it because it was the only way to survive at that time while I still had no option other than to follow through.

But once I have the option, I never look back; I choose myself over anyone. I listened to my mother a lot, but I had my own T&C too.

I understand where she came from and how much she wanted to prove herself, given her upbringing. She projected much of her unfinished business onto no one but her firstborn daughter.

But, I refused to comply any longer when I knew taking responsibility for my life meant I needed to do what I wanted to do. I could decide what kind of life I wanted to live. I had my own life design in mind that I wanted to translate into reality.

Looking back, I was rebelling in silence in my 20s. Removing myself from a full-time job. Sabotaging work interviews that didn’t suit me. Losing myself was not the cost I wanted to pay in exchange for fulfilling others’ expectations.

I have had many sessions asking myself whether I am just lazy or if this is just how it is. But lazy is not the right word to describe me. When it comes to something I consider important, I can do it consistently without reward, without an award, without money or a medal. I have done it consistently in private for years.

I rarely envy what others have, except the ability to think and write well. I am never interested in the rat race, since my goal isn’t more material things but the most precious resource: time.

Money is rarely a question of amount; it’s a question of cost. What should I pay for that amount of money? Sleeping time? Peace of mind? It makes saying no feel more effortless.

The bare-minimum win for me is praying properly and mindfully, eating well, and sleeping better. These are immeasurable things that many take for granted.

By my 40s, I am more certain than ever: we have no urgency and no need to compete with others in everything in life. Allah’s power, blessing, and mercy encompass the whole world and the universe, here in dunya and later in the hereafter. It’s never a zero-sum game. One person’s gain is never another person’s loss. It’s simply not yours from the very beginning.

Bloom at your own pace. But the most important thing, decide what blooming means to you.

The only thing we’re competing against is time. The only thing we should be aware of is whether we have used all the resources at our disposal- the tools we are given- to improve our lives, our health, and our family life, and to get closer to the ultimate goal of life.

Allah’s approval and the best eternal home in the hereafter.

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Found this passage a week after this one was published.

Jetpack has been feeding me with notifications of old writings that I wrote on the exact date in the past years.

At first, I found this quite annoying. Like some useless information that I didn’t need.

But then, since it keeps coming, I started to click one, then another one.

Strangely, I didn’t feel annoyed at all.

In fact, it has been heartwarming.

To re-read what I wrote in the past, to experience the past circumstances once again when I have walked far enough.

I love describing the situation in detail so I can really imagine the feeling.

Writing is not an easy feat. To organize your thoughts and pour them into proper writing is a mental exercise.

Writing clearly is another level which I think it’s something that I could never achieve in life time. But, life doesn’t need to be perfectly clear for us to do something.

I actually really miss those days when I write for the sake of wanting to write. I am grateful for all of those simple writings that I wrote carelessly without thinking about anything. I write because I want to and I love to.

I love those daily updates about life no matter how simple.

It shows that nothing is too small to be grateful for and not taking it for granted.

I should have done it too right now. Especially when many changes in daily and personal life are happening slowly in front of my eyes

Because these days soon to be categorized as throwback, classic material and rewind too in the future years.

I did visit a psychologist for the past two weeks.

At first, it’s about consulting the pre teen at home but more about how I have to deal with her and all issues related to it.

The session turned out to be more than just about being a mother of pre-teen.

It turned into a session that opened long kept and dusty pandora boxes inside full of traumas and resentments.

From childhood up to adulthood. How many of behaviors is actually the response of defense mechanism to many unprocessed wounds that just being thrown under the rug.

On the second meeting, she met my daughter first and then when it’s my turn, she said, “your daughter is totally fine. But, you’re not”.

The psychologist scrutinized all the little details through her questions that I couldn’t help answering and ended up taking a lot of tissues to wipe my eyes.

Several times, I found holding myself back to not blurt out the details. But, I feel like being attacked and all I want to do is just to surrender. I just want to let it out.

To say it out loud : yes, those the closest to me are the most trauma contributors in my life which residues I still carry to this day, no matter how much years have passed.

In that room, I feel seen and heard. All the pain felt inside, be it ones from growing up to adulthood and marriage, it’s all valid and I deserve to cry or curse as much as I want, again, no matter how much years have passed.

Processing and facing things that happened in those few specific years in few hours were like taking out long-kept trashes that are rarely untouched and just stay there, for more than thirty, twenty, fifteen and ten years.

But, I don’t like playing the playing victim card far too long. I don’t want to carry too much emotional baggage. My love for decluttering is applicable inside and outside.

I also fully acknowledge I have the capabilities to deal with it, with Allah’s help through any means.

That line above actually fit one tool that is called rationalization, which according to the psychologist, I use it too much until it becomes a shortcut that I often use to either protect myself or to avoid the pain.

I once ‘argue’ to her, but, life goes on and many times, it can’t wait until it all goes away. I need to go on and live, I have responsibilities, so, I just need to do what I have to do. We adult can’t depend on how we feel to function well.

She totally said, to rationalize is a very good skill to have, but, anything too much won’t do any good. What she offers me is to acknowledge more of the pain and give myself time properly before coming to rationalization. If I need to cry, then cry. She is very right when she said, no matter how much I say I already make peace with all of those events, be it ones growing up or during adulthood and marriage, some parts are not fully healed, yet, or never maybe.

But, I really mean it when I said I already let go everything. Although those still stay on the back of my mind, I have totally accepted those are part of the qada and qadr in the book that has been written fully. I think I don’t have to understand it anymore why it happens to me. I was done questioning why me and satisfied with what I understand : why not you.

I don’t have the urge to argue or to confront about anything to anyone anymore. I have done that too. I no longer have the desire to know more than what I knew. One part because it’s done and nothing I can do to change it, the other part is I believe Allah take care of it. I won’t be charged and responsible for everything that others done to me. My job is only to pay attention to how I respond.

I am fine is not a lip service. I mean it in a good way. And this one I think, it’s not rationalization. It’s the highest level of acceptance and manifestation of the last pillars of faith.

My only concern is how to not pass down as much to my daughter, consciously and unconsciously. Saving as much as I can do for her from unnecessary expenses in the future. Hoping she doesn’t have to pay the debt from what I don’t clear up.

Healing is indeed not a walk in the park. It’s brutally painful and difficult. It takes so much courage and bravery to face your own fears, pains and the ugly side of your life.

I am beyond grateful to be granted the chance and privilege to do this.

I think, that’s the most rational thing I have done as a mother and as a human being.