A Penny for My Pensieve

Hajj demands certain degree of struggle, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

What rarely discussed is the aftermath also demand another kind of struggle.

Recovery takes a while.

Persistent coughing souvenir.

Sleepless and jetlag that makes me writing this at unusual hours.

Endless rewind and replay all the things happen for that past three weeks.

The never ending talk inside the head.

The comeback to reality needs some work too. From living for waiting for one prayer time to another, without worrying about anything else, then returning to real life situations where you have to take care of everything, even from the first day you arrived.

I am not even complaining. Just pointing out the reality. It’s more than huge blessing to be able to return happily, fully charged spiritually, and hopefully, a better person as a whole.

This is why I said to the doctor, spare a week to ten days from literal return date to back to work date. We need that space between. Transition period is important after going through such extraordinary journey like Hajj, no matter how short it seems.

Hajj taught patience like no other. Apparently, the real practice is needed right away once we return. Like patiently waiting for the body, mind and soul to fully operate in normal schedule.

There’s an eye-opening narrative that said why Hajj’a last ritual closed by tawaf only without Sai? Because we part with Allah there and our Sai begins when we return to our daily life. Both are considered as ibadah. I once wrote in another social media, tawaf is easily done with sandals, but Sai needs shoes to do it comfortably. Sai needs bigger energy than Tawaf.

So, here we are, doing our Sai slowly.

I hope we’re recovering well, even better if it’s sooner and purely cured.

Amin.

Untuk semua nikmat yang tak terhingga,
dari keberangkatan hingga kembali ke rumah,
menjalankan yang wajib hingga yang sunnah,
menikmati hal-hal yang mubah,
tanpa mengurangi esensi ibadah,
Maktab bagus di Madinah dan
Jarak terdekat dari pintu King Fahd di Mekkah,
seluruh kemudahan yang diberikan tanpa susah,
teman-teman yang baik dan ramah,
Amirul haji yang detil, gesit, dan amanah,
partner yang sabar (amin) dan ngga suka marah (amin),
keluarga yang sudah membantu susah payah,

Alhamdulilah tanpa akhir untuk Allah yang Maha Pemurah.

We landed in Madinah safely all the way from Jakarta.

Hajj 1447H in Madina feels like redemption after two visits that didn’t go according to the plan back in 2012 and 2025. From doing Hajj and missing Madinah completely in 2012 to once in a blue moon delayed flight that cut more than half time spent here in 2025. Quoting my caption : “the sound of my broken heart in silence”.

To enjoy this tranquil city slowly and intentionally, on my own term with the best company(ies).
Absorbing slow motion salah, the sound of bird chirping, the white noise after fardh prayer. Sitting and staring, brutally asking, shamelessly submitting personal requests, loudly whinning, wholeheartedly pleading everything the heart yearning for.

Keeping and including all my loved ones too on the list. May Allah allow everyone to be here again and again and enjoy all the blessing this city brings better than I have been.

Morning walk and dhuha in different places around the mosque. Circling the city by walk during salah interval. Trying karak tea from different stalls. Brisk walking to catch a spot inside the mosque during first three prayers. How I am gonna miss terribly all these routines.

This year Madinah’s experiences are solid proof of the du’a of Prophet Zakaria AS in surah Maryam.

“I have never been disappointed in my prayer to You, my Lord!”.

Allah knows. Allah hears and He will answer to you in the end, with the best answer more than what you asked.

If one asked some spiritual experiences during Hajj, the answer might be I didn’t have any. Nothing extraordinary that deserves a spotlight.

But, every little requests spelled casually or left unsaid, they’re all granted accordingly or even better.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t complain a single thing knowing I had done my best for the past few years, more intensely for the past few months after the official announcement, I gave myself a rest by letting go everything and let Allah decide whatever I had to deal with.

Along the journey, things fell into place. My lack of social skills is well-addressed, even Muzdalifah next to my roomate. Mina was placed next to one that I mentioned previous night. Glasses case were also well-taken care of.

The period has been consistently on time for the past few months and supposed to fall during days spent in Mecca. The thought I wasn’t getting any chances for prayers in Haram at all was a bit heartbreaking, but, as promised, I would accept everything. Usually, the probability of getting it later is higher,so hoping it would be the case.

A rare case happened that it came two days earlier, right when Mina was over and as usual lasted like normal days so I could enjoy four full days chasing an empty spot in Mataf, regular tawaf and the farewell one.

Last but not least, I’ve been searching for pocket Quran with translation since I was in Madinah that is easy to carry on a micro bag. It needs to be friendly for my old eyes too. Went in and out many stores in Madinah and couldn’t find what I was looking for.

First day in Mecca and went straight to the regular bookstore in Makkah Tower. It was standing and hidden right below the cashier table. As requested. Even better, another red like the one bought in 2003, and it’s also Yusuf Ali’s translation. Another best thing, it came with pocket riyadusssaliheen version. Both became my companions during hours spent in Mataf.

To say I was ecstatic was understatement.
That feeling when life goes according to the plan or better.

Hajj 1447H feels like enormous blessing beyond words.

Good that now I understand it’s not because I deserve it, but it’s simply because Allah allows it.

In the previous post I wrote we have options but never the decision and the outcome. It is applicable when we choose which travel we want to go with, but we can’t choose the people.

One of the reasons why I changed the travel, other than the questions they couldn’t answer, it’s the people who I thought didn’t really match with who we are. Again, self awareness is the skill that will give you an advantage in any decision making.

How do I know? Price is the first filter.
In Haji Plus, there’s very wide range and variety of price and it’s not only about facilities you get. My concern is more about kind of people we will travel with.

I ask Allah deliberately about this knowing how lacking I am in this department.
In the first meeting in offline Manasik, I felt quite assured. Only one woman go alone, the rest goes with their mahram. This is a very important point. Why? When too many woman go alone, it will create unbalanced conditions. There’s another post on it.

In Mina, it truly shows how Allah fulfilled my request kindly. It doesn’t change me to be more sociable, but being among them, they let me to be who I am.
I am only disturbed a bit by the situations not with the people and I fully understand we all tried to survive Mina.

What makes me finally chose this travel, the could answer everything clearly. Clear itinerary, clear vision, genuinely kind team and attention to details is top notch.
Clear itineraries are useless when the people who travel can’t see it clearly. We Indonesians, being on time is not our strength.

This group proof that wrong. All those clear itineraries could be carried smoothly thanks to all the teams who communicate clearly and the people who follow them with discipline. I feel like travelling with my kind of people.

The 9-10 Dzulhijjah was crucial. Imagine moving from Arafah-Muzdalifah-Anjum for breakfast-Tawaf Ifadah-Sai-Back to Transit Hotel-Shower and Change clothes-Jumrah Aqabah-Back to Mina, are all done without any slightest internal problem. Everyone listen and obey without too many questions.

I said to the doctor, “if I build a country, I will recruit this people to join”.

To experience Hajj for the second time, different season of life, different level of knowledge and maturity, I found life paradoxes in it.

Me that went Hajj iin 2012 was a different person that one that went in 2026, after went through many kind of life seasons and lessons. Yet, at the same time, one who realized her dream for Hajj in 2012 is exactly the same person who did it in 2026.

The second paradox : life is indeed too short until 14 years of interval felt like yesterday. On the other hand, it is long enough for us not to ask and try our best to experience the greatest journey of lifetime, at least once.

Allah is always precise in designing anything, including our life. The more I experience life, the more I understand we are given only options, but not the decisions. It explained well in Quantum Physics book I read recently. We think we have control because we have options, but in reality, there’s no slightest control that we have in life. Any options we take, Allah is always at the end of the line.

There’s seven years cycle of life theory that we human will go through different life phases every 7 years span. I went hajj in 2012 at the end of the fourth phase of seven years at 27 (before entering 28-35), then 14 yeas later, in 2026, the end of sixth phase (before 42-49 insya Allah) at 41.

Being invited twice, maybe Allah wants to remind me once again who is in control. To remind me who has been dealing with so much worry about many uncertainties of upcoming life seasons. It is as if Allah said : “I am the only hope and rope you have. Trust Me”.

Hajj after fourteen years difference, with completely different experiences, is a very mind-blowing way to show me that Allah will give you everything that you miss, He will replace everything that you lose, and He will grant not only the second chance, but also another one after that, and another one, and another one, as long as you keep finding your way back to Him.

Hajj is the ultimate way to teach us the what, the where, and the how to find our way back home, now and later.

———————

You can go anywhere in this world with your family, your parents, your kids, your friends, or whoever you want.

But Hajj, although it’s not about right or wrong, but it’s really best done with your spouse and no one else.

I am grateful that we don’t include the little girl like the initial plan. It’s not a family trip like ones we regularly do.

In our travel, almost everyone go with their spouse. Only one or two who travel either with adult son and one travel alone. It really set the right tone and ambiences along the journey. Interaction mostly and strictly only between mahram.

Hajj is long trip with certain level of intensity. Other than the options we don’t have in Mina, after a long day, going home to the room with strangers inside might be not the best idea. Or is it just me?

In this trip, I saw every woman’s best buddy is their own spouse. Six am in the morning in Mina, woman section door were often knocked and some bapak2 were on the door delivering breakfast for their wife. I called it Bapak2 HNWI sayang istri. It’s good that my spouse spent some intensive camp with them.

During Jamarat walk, everyone stand and walk with their own spouse.

This journey makes me realize the truth of a hadith that said woman can’t travel far away more than three days without mahram.

I am beyond grateful Allah fulfilled my mother’s last words in front of the Kabah fourteen years ago and granted me a chance to walk every step of this journey with my roommate. Maybe it’s quite hard to believe, but this Hajj is the very first time we’re going together alone after 14 years of marriage. Alhamdulillah for such a blessing.

It’s true that when you marry someone, you don’t just choose a husband/wife. You choose your travel and discussion partner, your financial advisor, your life coach, your business manager, your Hajj bodyguard, and endless roles that a spouse can be.

You can’t escape one’s true character during safar. Especially a kind of safar as intense, hard, long, and emotional one like Hajj.

I hope all girls and women in my families and best friends will be granted the same chance too, going Hajj with the right spouse someday. Amiin.