A Penny for My Pensieve

The answers to these questions are far more important than knowing “gajinya brapa”.

History is compulsory to understand the future.
To build a better and strong future with someone, you need to study the past comprehensively. Where they come from, who they grow up with, what kind of lifestyle they family lead, how much it fits with yours growing up and the chance of having it better in the future. Even doing this doesn’t guarantee the result you expect

Done with studying the past, observe the present.
More than knowing the number earned, see what those numbers become. High earning doesn’t mean better if it’s spent without clear purposes.

High in numbers means high in problems without having the right money mindset.
But, so does the low. Low in numbers without having the right money mindset, most of the cases, will bring you lower as you’re getting older.

Getting older is unavoidable and it’s expensive, again, in number and in many senses. Choosing someone to grow old with is a huge challenge of adulthood which no schools ever teach us this.

As choosing middle school is getting closer with still no clear answers, I am wondering, “why schools rarely teach the real important thing the kids need in life?”

I always like questioning what things to do next. Maybe for just the sake of entertaining the brain because it can’t stand being idle without having nothing to think.

I sometimes wonder if I actually really like reading or I just need some escape. It’s one thing that stimulates my brain and makes my mind think. Void inside or outside is something that human rarely can stand. But, it’s still valid to say it as my hobby since I read often and many.

People often say turn your hobby into a job so you don’t feel like working. I beg to differ.

Having reading as a hobby is totally different than doing it as paid work.

Doing cooking as a hobby is completely different game than when one is doing it for work. It reminded me of one story of a man who opened a small warung for her mom, whose cooking was great and he thought it can turn the skill into some income.

The warung only lasted for four days. Cooking is one thing, turning it into bussiness takes more than a mere good cooking skill.

I think we should having separate rooms between hobby and work, unless we are ready for a bigger commitment to turn it into work. Hobby is something that we do for ourselves, anytime we want, however and whatever we like. Not much responsibility for doing or not doing it.

A paid job is obligatory. Even if you really like doing it, once money involved, it’s no longer a hobby. When commitment and responsibility are involved, we have to deliver properly.

A few jobs I held for a long time turned out to be things I didn’t really like doing. But those are things that paid my bills and that I also need (like the small business we run).

For the past nine years, showing up and doing the work daily, according to SOP that has been set from the beginning, it might sound mundane above the paper, but, nine years is such a long time if I looked back from where we started.

I have built a quite solid SOP and team that can operate daily without my physical presence. One of my favorite success stories was that I once kept this going for 1,5 years from 12.000 km away, with a 6-7 hours time difference. That took a lot of courage and determination to do.

(I really admired how courageous and bold I was in my 20s and 30s. Why does it seem to be fading in my 40?)

These nine years showed me I have the mentality, but the capabilities turned out to be another story. Starting something new and better requires more than just a mentality. At some point, I conclude that one needs a certain amount of extroversion to run a successful business.

Not necessarily personal branding, but you need to put yourself out there, dealing with people directly and regularly, which is a weakness of mine.

Still looking and wandering for now. I just hope it’s not about getting lazy.

Some guide in choosing a hobby.

Writing this outside Brawijaya Mosque waiting for the doctor and my daughter doing tarawih while I am being an outsider, sandals watcher, and a mosquito slapper.

This Ramadan feels weird (It’s been like that since 2020). Knowing the third WW has been rolling while real life keeps going is the strangest feeling of all. Reading the previous WWR history, I had always wondered what kind of parallels life in other parts of the world while it happened? It felt surreal to really live it. Actually, life has always been surreal since 2020, getting worse in 7 Oct 2023 up until now.

On the personal level, the hardest thing in Ramadan is no longer about the refraining from eating, drinking, or anything else.
It’s restricting screen time and replacing it with the most important thing Ramadan is about.

Last year, I managed to tick the goals of memorising four new juz amma surahs so I can have more varied readings in tarawih and tahajud. But, this year, been trying to get a new one since few months before, still struggling with no progress. I read and watched other people experiences and I learned that in Ramadan, reading is strongly suggested than memorising. So, it’s encouraged to read as much as you can.

I love reading Quran, but, I can’t do it for long.
I can’t stand reading Quran long without knowing the translation. I have the motivation, but, as always, motivation without system will always be failed.

So this year, I moved my Quran to the place where my phone is. Every after prayer time, still in my mukena, I sit in this chair picking my phone. Now, with the Quran right next to it, it changed something slowly.

The brain starts picking what’s (on the) right first. Endurance of reading Quran feels like enduring workout. You just have to start and once you start, you keep wanting doing more. One more page feels just like one more repetition.

I started this regime few weeks before Ramadan. Halfway through Ramadan, it works more than I expected. Never underestimate the power of designing your environment to the change of habit.

Screen time is a hard battle to overcome and the more you fight, the most likely you will lose.
But, with a bit of change in system and visual awareness, it helps me to replace and balance it with something else. I also did all the target few weeks before for habituation.

Compared to others who manage to finish Quran several times during Ramadan, what I do is surely nothing. I just remind myself that I am competing with my own laziness, with my previous Ramadan, not with others.

It has always been mixed feelings when it’s halfway through Ramadan. I love Ramadan wholeheartedly since early up until my forty. The many obvious ane inexplicable joy it brings, the most looking forward event of the year.

May Allah allow us to strive for the best for the last leg of Ramadan. Amin.

17 Ramadan 1447H.

Being a mother is personally life changing experience.

It makes me question everything I have been through growing up, as a daughter, as an adult and as a wife.

It makes me read and learn more to answer those questions.

I observe people lives intensely growing up and I wrote it down. Sometimes it makes me feel like a villain character from a thriller movie.

My to-go life hack has always been : think-read-think-read some more-wait-looking for alternatives-wait-bismillah execute.

The speed always depends on consequences and the hassles it brings. Some things take days, other take weeks or months, some specifc things takes years.

I thought life runs linearly until my mid 20s. When I arrived at certain milestones, then, why it wasn’t as I thought it is? But, I still operated with the similar mindset.

Until my daughter arrived and many many life changing things happened after she came. Then, I realized, it doesn’t work like that, so I started reorganizing, my thought, my life, and my execution.

Raising a human being turned out to be the hardest training in decision making. So little time, so much to do, and it needs backward thinking.

In writng a great fiction, the writer starts with the end. It’s the most important thing to consider. Without knowing how it ends, it’s hard to write a story a highly coherent story. This one reason makes Harry Potter is one of the greatest literatures ever made.

Raising a human being works like that too. Without having clear end goals, we will raise them as we were being raised or following the crowd without knowing why we do what we do.

I am mindful woman above the paper, but to be a mindful mother, the training is brutal and it’s not getting easier as I am getting older and she’s growing up.

With everything that has been currently happening and going around outside, it’s even more important to be more intentional and thoughtful on to how we raise our children.

I always say repeatedly, May Allah make it easy, and I really really mean it now more than ever.

12 Ramadan 1447H

Ramadan Mubarak!

It’s been a hectic week since last week with the highest peak yesterday. Alhamdulilah.

Few months ago, I wrote long and gloomily after dealing with so many social projects and problems last year, I felt like slowly losing myself. Dealing with so many people problems pushed me to have parallel social interactions and it gave me burnout. Some were big problems and without I realized, it consumed me emotionally. Like I was drowning in their problems and boy, it was so hard to get out of there.

Starting the beginning of this year, I radically pulling myself out and Alhamdulillah slowly returning to home.

There’s one thing I just realized recently after joining few volunteers organizations, online classes for myself and my daughter, running the tiny bussiness for the past nine years, dealing with people problems, and new classes enrollment with coaches.

I could only learn, work, and strongly connected with people who take me (and my daughter) seriously, and take themselves/their life seriously too.

It explains why I only survived certain volunteer for 6 months, while thriving in another for 3 years.

It explains why many of Langit teachers couldn’t last for few months and only very few lasts for years.

It explains why some students can work from their first semester up to the last one in our store, while few only lasts few months.

It also explained why I survived 13 years in YPM despite having no talent, yet, I tried my best. Because all my teachers took me seriously.
My grade 6 teacher made me sit for 3 hours just to make one single ornament right, every single week.

I grew up surrounded by the people who took me seriously as a child, and I just realized how significant it was to my adulthood life. Most of them weren’t even family. Sometimes it’s family who don’t take you seriously.

So, when I quit and cut something, I quit and cut fast, because if the other party is not on the same level of commitment, I don’t want to waste my energy.

This is also applicable in any kind ships done. Be it partnership, relationship, or friendship.

In my 40s, I become more unapologetic in putting boundaries to whoever and whatever drains my energy uselessly. Be it friends or family. Because, really, some people truly don’t want to change, and there’s nothing you can do about that.

Once heard someone say, “If someone thinks you are too much or intense, maybe because they are too basic”.

This is nothing about arrogance, but I have been through a lot of period where I offered sincere helps without expecting anything in return other than to see little progress and change. Then, I realized, change is not and will never be my authority and how limited my power is. It returns my peace and stability and finally chooses to just wait and see.

6 Ramadan 1447H

Once upon a time, a random stranger on the internet asked whether she had to keep going doing her Phd and bringing all the family or just letting go because it seemed so hard and full of hassles. I typed an answer which sounded so wise at that time :

“One that looks the hardest and the craziest decision in the short term, most of the time is the right decision on the long term. Do the math right for the first 3 months, fully supported by the husband, set the right intention why you want to go, if you’re done with all of that, have courage and jump. Allah will provide the ways. Not a Phd mom, but once went through the same decision of moving abroad”.

It’s actually an advice I need for myself whenever sending the little girl to some of her classes feels so draining, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Like today.

Doing right things and doing it right is hard.

“Hidup bener itu sulit, sis”. I said to my sister.

Been exercising in a group class from 2003-2019. Then, lost the courage to resume since group class is usually loud and packed. So enjoying solo exercise at home is the option.

Last year, after thinking for countless time, a space above the usual grocery store drew some interest to ask for a trial. This class turned out to be one of the right decisions made last year.

Sign up after the first trial and it has been one of the most look forward day routines fand a space for breathing.

No noise other than instructor’s voice with a group of people who only come for training, not for socializing, is truly the right one for me.

No pictures. As far as I join, no one ever take/record their picture/video before/during/after class. No loud conversations. No post session selfie.
Everyone just come for session and leave right away after it ends. No one asks private questions. Such no nonsense style suits me really well. Many members speak in different languages and it adds another experience.

Changed my training regime starting the new year. Bought a new package so it would allow me to try few different coaches to have new experiences outside my comfort zone coaches. I always return to them once in a while. Comfort zone is always lovely, only need having a bit of distance from them once in a while. I also set requirement that I have to train during fasting day.

This training really calms the mind. It feels like entering a sanctuary for an hour. There’s a moment that always comes to my mind when the coaches seem overestimate the strength of the members (the movement feels so hard and intense), it reminds me of the most painful physical experience a human could have : contractions, labor and delivery. Tell my monkey mind, this is nothing like that. I use the ‘focus on one point’ method too to endure the pain.

Reached more than 100 sessions this month and I don’t really realize the improvement of my movement until few coaches said something.

Just like quote on the wall, our mind really possesses a glorious sense of power. Another wall said : the body will achieve what the mind believes.

Such an encouraging slogan to soothe post training body ache and jelly legs.