A Penny for My Pensieve

• Sleeping on my bed.
• Four am complete silence in the dark.
• Early dawn zikr, sit and stare on the soft rug.
• Rocking while reading/ doom scrolling on the blue rocking chair.
• Preparing what’s for breakfast today.
• Breakfast in silence listening to the white noise of the home. Bird chirping and morning adkhar from alexa.
• The taste of multiseed sourdough milk loaf from a newly found bakery.
• The first sip of tea after a long day of fasting.
• The color of the sky on a bright day.
• The color of twilight sky aka langit senja.
• The morning silence at home when it’s clear and bright. Only the white noise of flowing water from the pond and soft snore from ones who are still sleeping on the couch.
• Dinner with home cooked meals by the doctor.
• Conversations during dinner
• Hugging my daughter.
• Watching my daughter keep getting better at everything she does.
• The dopamine flow after an interesting online lesson.
• Feeling sufficient with what I have and where I am.
• Finally came to an understanding about something after period of questioning and researching.
• Beating myself against procrastination.
• Beating myself when choosing right over easy.
• Beating myself to keep my mouth shut when I want to say a lot of things.

Will update this lists regularly as a reminder.

Words have always been leaving bigger impact to me than any other gestures.

One of the most memorable and monumental events was back as far as when I was in kindergarten. I used a word ‘muka’ instead of ‘wajah’ to one of my teachers and it gave me a certain mark in the report card. How could I even remember this? This was the story my mom told me. I have a specific compartment on my brain to keep the memories of my mother.

I never take any tests on five love language, but pretty sure words of affirmation is on the number one list. That’s why I love reading, I love listening, I like writing, only talking that I don’t fond of. Being judged from a missuse word since early, that was significant. If something really makes me talking, then it must be huge. I also have certain compartment to remember few of big talkings I have done.

I have been feeling under the weather for few months and been digging where it starts. Some perimenopause symptoms could fit. But, if I traced back, some personal events regarding interpersonal relationships were strong triggers too. Those who make me feel safe could turn me into a unrecognizable extrovert. But, those who don’t, could really make me lose appetite for saying a simple word. Like having brain freeze. It’s a hard work to stand people whose masks are layered. Even harder when those are ones I couldn’t escape.

I always one with plan and an executor once I found the right thing to do. But, my pace in life has always been a tortoise, never a hare. I build and progress slowly. It took me 18 years to bloom with 13 years of hard training. It took me several years to finally say yes to a marriage. It took me tiny steps for years to finally executed a huge step in my bussiness, and many more. I only jumped quickly when it comes to something which consequences will be bigger if it’s postponed, like paying a debt. For outsiders, it indeed looked stagnant and boring.

But, when I looked inside, I realized people use their own metrics to measure others. Most people use tangible data to measure life : number, medals, etc. To be fair, I used this too for judging myself in the past since I am accustomed to be judged by my society for these.

I could only slowly let go little by little when life started at 28. When I had all the worldly accomplishments I wanted to achieve, yet, I lost things that no amount of effort could bring back.

As I grow older, I slowly understand many things I have been doing in life couldn’t be measured by those tangibles. Courage, discipline, integrity, persistence, and endurance. I won’t display anthing here, but, looking at the lists things done this year, they are the proof of the values I live by. That is priceless.

This year also showed me many examples in personal, national, and global level that life is never about one who looks good outside and on the paper. Honesty, stability security (in our own skin), peace and tranquillity until the end are values that suit me most and it’s all an inside work.

If there’s one thing that I realized its absence is maybe the gratitude.

Gratitude, when it is taken, nothing feels right and that is one of the biggest losses that could happen to anyone. Lack of gratitude could dismiss any accomplishments despite all the hard work put to achieve it. I might be only seeing things are absent and overlooked the many of present ones.

My feelings are all valid. These all are real, hard, and uncomfortable. But, whose life then are without some burdens? For a lot of things that Allah keeps me having despite the current situation, inside and outside, I am giving myself a proper room for compassion and bigger room for gratitude.

Adulthood is complicated and it needs some skills to stay afloat during the turbulence. The coping skills that one should have to deal with many ugly faces life throws needs rigorous training. It’s training for the soul that takes time to build.

Accept the situation and focus with what I can do with what I have. Letting all the uncomfortable feeling and the positive ones going hand in hand for a while. Let them sit together without allowing one side taking over another. I regularly taking out clutter out of my home, that is also the same thing I do for my soul. Like pruning unnecessary feeling, recognizing which are just noise and which are the actual thing that I should address.

One thing that I have been asking myself since few years back whenever things are tough: What Allah actually wants me to learn this time?

I slowly shift my mind by looking at many things that Allah still allows me to have despite my current circumstances. I remembered one of the saying from Umar Bin Khatab that said he never worried about whether Allah would fulfill his prayers or not,one thing that he worried the most was whether Allah would still allow him to make the prayer or not.

That is exactly what I need reminded myself of.

Such a delightful end of year lesson.

PS : knowing how much words mean to me, having a file with collection of kind words received through the years is a great idea. It really comes in handy during such period.

Few circumstances since last year gave me some lessons in real life regarding to human relationships.

But, only few recent events reminded me of an Adam Grant’s book : Give and Take. He explained the idea in an organizational setting, but actually it can be applicable in any settings of human relationship.

When it comes to relationship with human, more giving doesn’t mean more receiving.
Often, the more you give, the less you receive.

Giving depends a lot on the capacity and energy. Giving tells a lot more about the capacity of the giver rather than the taker. When we give something to human and don’t receive the equal amount of what we give, it’s simply because their capacity is not on the level of ours.

Giver operates on a different level than the other two. Their mindset is always about what they can do for others within their power, even many times beyond their power.

The funny thing based on research mentioned in the book : compared to taker and matcher, in any industry tested, giver is a group who earn the least. The last position belongs to giver. Above the giver are taker and matcher, but, here’s the best part, who earned the most and for a long period of time?

It’s giver too.

In the book, what separates the lower rank giver and upper one was self-interest. Selfless givers only think about others and neglect themselves, while otherish givers, along with think about others, they also have a strong sense of self-interest.

Based on this, it’s important to be giver who konws their own limit because taker doesn’t have any. Taker is the worst type of all.

I slowly learn when you deal with taker, you should have a slight degree of matcher mentality. Because no matter what, you can’t give and pour from an empty cup.

The best thing for a giver is dealing with another giver. It reminds me of few relationship I have growing up. I just realized I am mostly matcher in many surface level of relationships, but very much giver in a close knitted group. I think I remember writing this too.

But, even in a close-knitted group, being a giver should be always done with a pinch of salt. Humans have expectations and when it is not met, then something feels uncomfortable and unpleasant. But, we can’t control others. So, it’s ours to learn how to deal with it.

First, understand that what we do and how we deal with others, it reflects more of our capacity, capabilities and characters. Not theirs. This makes sense why being a giver is hard. Giving needs building something inside. It needs thinking.

Second, in spite of being a giver, it’s important to have a certain degree matcher mentality while dealing with takers, who always tend to make everything about themselves. Being a giver with boundaries is personally important.

Human relationship and its complexity always perplexes me.

Based on personal experiences, endurance to survive and hopefully thrive in doing important things for a long time needs two things : Rhytm and System.

Rhytm, like in music, it keeps the song going in steady beat from the beginning to the end. Kind of rhytm we have is mostly decided by what kind of habits we do. In mental health issues, it starts when one is slowly losing control over their rhytm and they couldn’t reclaim it and pick up themselves.

But, rhytm alone is not enough. We need the melody (and lyrics) to make a song beatiful and meaningful. Drum can’t stand alone without any other melodic instruments.

The next level is about combining everything into one solid form called system. To build a system that works for many areas in life, it starts with having one that works in our personal life. Solid systems outside is the result of solid system inside.

Deciding the rhytm and building system are two that I have been constantly doing unconsciously in many areas of life. Whenever I am in the new setting, I always sit and observe first how I will operate in the new environment.

It explains why the first thing I have done after arrive in new city is tidying up and unpacking right away after returning back. Losing the rhytm is detected as a danger for my system and it makes me can’t function properly.

It explains why I couldn’t survive daily full time job and only lasted for two years and never returned. Spent most of my daily rhytm in other people’s systems doesn’t fit and help me to achieve what I need and want to do in life, if I continued to stay there.

Building the system that works doesn’t happen in an instant. It needs trial and error. What works for some times might not work for another time.

This is actually a very much self reminder after witnessing a lot of changes happening in this year.
“Was it this hard at that time?”. Trying to make sense whether I am getting impatient or what.

When things run well, it’s easy to say your system works.But, when it doesn’t, you start questioning whether it’s time to change or you have to wait and see.

A long-term project called life requires constant improvement and attention.

In understanding the relationship between myself and money, I found some patterns :

• In personal finance, I have always been loyal and frugal.
• In family finance, I have always been royal, love exploring new trials, while keep being rationale.
• In bussiness finance, I have been quite royal when it comes to the sustainability of the business, but often playing small when it comes to the expanding the wall.

I see that I behave differently in front of every bank account/card and unconsciously categorize purchases according to which department they belong to. I always try my best to draw a clear line when I choose which bank app/card should I pick to pay for the transaction.

Setting boundaries to others indeed start with setting boundaries to yourself.

Why they never teach this at school?

1. Things sown during the twenties were slowly and constantly reaped in the forties. Not (just) money, but more like habits, mindset, struggles, and any hard choices made in the 20s start returning the investment in the 40s. At least, it makes life slightly easier than many.
2. As a parent, I just realized that the training to deal with a certain decade starts a decade before.
3. Any training done consistently in any decade will compound in the subsequent decades. We really become what we repeat over and over again. The good and the bad. Unless we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life, and we call it fate, said Jung.
4. To be authentically transparent and honest about ourselves, it’s essential to have regular alone time during our youth. To separate from the crowd, to listen closely to your own voice and thoughts, and to think about where we want to go and what we should do to get there. If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable, said Seneca. Being able to sit with yourself is a highly underrated skill that many people don’t realize the importance of.
5. Two hardest ibadah in Islam are two : Shalat and marriage. One that we have to do daily, maintain regularly, and take care of mindfully. Two that if we neglect, the effects won’t show instantly, but slowly, unnoticed, and before we know it, it crashes the entire system. Taking care those two is the foundation of sanity in adults life. Nothing really works if these two don’t.

I really need to break the writing absence by starting small.