Category: Maternité

Posted in Books, Life happens, Maternité, Thoughts

From Swimming in the Pool to Swimming in the Ocean

Posted on by arlanadya

Lately, I have been reading about how parents talk about their overwhelmed sons or daughters as they navigate university life.

Related to this, I also read that a woman said she preferred academic pressure to any other pressure in life.

It reminded me of a few things. A book and a few posts. Like this one, for example.

Moving from childhood, which is generally considered to be 0-18, to young adulthood, once someone gets into college, is just like moving from swimming in the pool to swimming in the middle of the ocean.

Swimming in the pool has a clear structure and scaffolding. Clear length and depth. You can see where it starts and where it ends. Usually, pool guards also stand around the pool to monitor, just in case someone needs help. It’s exactly like school years in childhood. Academic pressure has clear structure and expectations.

When you enter university life, the pool is no longer there. Some advisors can help you navigate campus life, but usually you are the main decision-maker for many things you need to handle day-to-day.

It’s exactly like swimming in the ocean. No clear edge; you never know what you will meet along the way, and rain and storms might come without warning. It requires not only constant swimming but also a lot of thinking about where to go.

There are three sports considered sunnah to learn in Islam. Swimming is one of them, along with archery and horse riding. It makes even more sense now.

People say swimming isn’t just a sport; it’s a basic survival skill. It actually has both literal and non-literal meanings.

Adulthood requires at least basic swimming skills to survive. The more swimming skills you master, the better. That is hard without a shortcut if no one trains you in childhood—no wonder those kids feel overwhelmed.

University life is just the beginning. Life after that requires stronger strokes to stay afloat in the midst of the chaos and confusion of real life in adulthood.

What career to choose.

Where to work.

Who to marry.

Where to live.

Boy, when I was little, I thought an adult knew what to do. Only when I turned into one did I realize everyone figures those out as they go.

Now in my 40s, looking around at my surroundings, friends, and family, I’ve realized not everyone is capable of or knowledgeable about all of the things above.

As my daughter is entering teenager years and a new level of schooling, I find it’s really getting harder on my part. In previous years, I thought I had taught her enough; recently, I’ve often felt so lacking.

Realizing how hard those things are even for adults, I couldn’t help but wonder whether she’d be able to make it. Have I really prepared her enough? Looking back, I didn’t think my parents did it intentionally. I just happened to be in the place where training for adulthood happened through the hidden curriculum, as I wrote in the tagged post.

Doing exactly what I experienced growing up for her, I found it didn’t work the way it did for me. Despite putting her in swimming and piano classes consistently since ages 2 and 5, and other things that we think can help her, the thought of not doing enough still lingers.

With her learning difficulties in the background, it sometimes makes things even harder.

(Being a parent is really hard).

She has many qualities that benefit from training, such as strong endurance and a high level of seriousness about learning. But she still needs a lot of guidance in deciding her direction.

Sometimes I really want to know if there is a specific course to teach that. Being raised by someone who knows how to do it doesn’t necessarily mean kids know how to do it too. We really can’t choose which trait we want to be fully transferable to our child.

I once told her dad that sometimes I feel like hurrying the process and letting go of the scaffolding too fast. Balancing letting go and keeping the pace is really tricky. I want her to launch, but in the right way and in the right direction.

As she gets older, I need to shift my mindset too. She needs a bigger pool to learn to swim better and get stronger. I need to let her go more than before. But at the same time, I need to make sure she doesn’t wander too far.

I keep reminding myself to enjoy this swimming in the pool period which goes faster than ever.

I define three objectives that I want for her, nothing about medals in metal, entering top schools, or anything similar to that.

At the end of her swimming training in the pool, I hope we can have someone with :

  • A strong and straight Tauhid.
  • The right moral compass to navigate the world.
  • A functional adult for herself and people around them.

Fulfilled, healthy, and happy are the byproducts I wish for her in achieving all those goals.

I have nothing to add other than may Allah make this easier.

Amin.

Other than the post above, I wrote two different posts with a similar theme, as far as I remember. This one and another from many years ago were about real-life readiness. Also, a book that suits the theme.

One of the highlights of the book.
Posted in Life happens, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

Emotional Scaffolding

Posted on by arlanadya

I realized this during my 20s, specifically on the day my mother left.

From outside, my family looks ordinary, stable and steady. It’s functional enough to sustain certain level of performance.

But, inside? Well, not so much. It’s getting clearer as years go by. As the members are getting older, the true colors are getting exposed.

(Few days after writing this, found this theory and it feels so relatable).

When my mother left, I realized how strong the emotional scaffolding she endured for many years to keep the family together. At certain point, I believed she paid it with her health. If there’s an idea that I am still holding on to is how unfair it had been for her.

After she left, I was unconsciously picking the role. Like feeling responsible to continue what my mother had been doing because life must go on. We might be grieving personally, but, I took the heaviest responsibility, as a first born daughter. I became the new emotional scaffolding of the family thinking it was the only way to keep going.

Picking up without thinking, just like sleepwalking.

I saw how I exactly treated, like we treated my mother. It felt even worse since I was dealing with all men household. Maybe not openly or consciously, but the feeling of taken for granted and lack of appreciation were valid.

I slowly woke up once I had a daughter.

I knew and had quite knowledge on child development, parenting, etc. I graduated and got a master degree in Curriculum and Instruction which learned a lot about human development and psychology. In theory, I felt like a well-prepared mother.

However, in reality, it wasn’t that simple and easy. In real life situation where many things happened beyond my control, I couldn’t fight what has been programme in my subconscious mind for many years. No matter how much I try to not to repeat few things that I don’t want to do to my kids, it’s really really hard to avoid it.

My to-go response or reaction was exactly what I received growing up. I couldn’t escape what my body kept score and stored.

The first four years of marriage and motherhood, in my childhood, home were the hardest battle in adulthood.

But, if there is one thing that I realized I have since I was little : I almost always refuse to just accept anything that doesn’t work without proper fight. I want to see why it doesn’t for now and how it will or might do so later.

What happened when you keep trying to find a way, the way will show itself. Allah has been beyond kind to me and my little family. He moved us, broadened our view, and showed us a way out through a series of events that at first looked like an unfortunate one, but that was actually leading to much, much better outcomes than what I had prayed for and planned.

It’s really true that you need change of view to change your point of view. But, I see in some people, change of point view only lasts as long as the view stays. Once they go back with the old view, the POV shifts back.

Change of view to the level of change of behavior is completely hard. It against your will. The brain hates it until it becomes familiar.

As we moved places, meeting people, learning better, I felt like things were slowly improving from the inside. It’s not a sudden lightning strike. I learn little by little. From professional visit as a couple and parents, forming daily habits as family, and as a person, small changes that are quietly compounding and slowly adapting to our daily life.

It doesn’t mean we have a problem-free life. It’s the way we deal with problems that feels different now. It’s when I understand such thing is one of the most underrated forms of Rizq.

Friction arises when I have to deal with some people I grow up with. It is unavoidable to notice the difference in frequency and mindset now, creating a significant gap in how we see our problems. Growing up together as family/friends doesn’t mean you’ll always be compatible with each other over the years.

(It reminds me of this writing and its sequel).

I often read things like this in the literature, but facing it in real life is really baffling. I even conclude, at a certain level, practising syariah (things done related to worship Allah) feels easier than muamalah (things to deal with other humans).

Being a mother without my mother makes me understand her more in a most tender way although there are some wounds that still stings. But, in general, I am all for her. She bore too much more than we, her family, acknowledge. We didn’t give her enough credit when she was still here.

I have many qualities of my mother, not only self-proclaimed, but, confirmed by others. But, I am not her and will never be her. And I don’t want to be her or have to be like her.

That thinking is one of the triggers that makes me decide not to go where she was.

I slowly detach many ideas that I unconsciously adopt from her that doesn’t fit me and my situation and form my own thinking in dealing with many things in life. I I let go of values that don’t align with my own self and the family I want to raise. I keep and hold on to ones that serve as a strong foundation and be forever grateful for that.

But, I don’t want to be responsible for others lack of emotional regulation, except for my current teenager daughter. I see how cunning people can be, and I don’t want to play along. I let people misunderstand me a lot of time, because I realize people can only see from where they are and actually, there is no responsibility to explain it too.

Sometimes, maintaining distance is the right way to maintain a relationship.

I am still doing a lot of trial and error to this day. A true healing is brutal. The road is tough and rough.

This is another form of grieving that is rarely heard and I am currently taking a class on the subject.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

The Elevenths

Posted on by arlanadya
All the sweetness and savory birthday meals. May she enjoy all these flavors life bring.

I love myself before becoming a mother.
I love myself even better as the years go by.
It has improved so many aspects of my personal life.
It sets my priorities right, improve my time and energy management, and helps me trying to pursue the right goals in life.

In raising her, I keep editing my life and adjusting my direction.

It’s not only about raising a human being to be something in the future, doing specific jobs. It’s more about raising someone who knows who she is, where she came from, and where and to whom she will return.

Putting my best effort into raising a conscious human being with a strong sense of direction in life. So whenever she’s lost, she still knows to whom and where she must return and turn.

Keep improving the work of raising a person with confidence and humility, knowing there will always be The Most Merciful and The Most Powerful to protect her, grant all her heart wishes, and guide her to achieve them. At the same time, she understands where the credit goes for everything she has in life.

A human being who understands the real compass in life is never another human being. Including me, her mother. She is not me and will never be me. So, I hope she’ll find herself, and I sincerely hope she’ll find herself in the right place, doing the right thing,surrounded by the right people.

I hope you live a great life filled with barakah.

Keep your head down to count your many uncountable blessings,
Keep your hope high while you ask for your future.
Give your best effort and let Allah decide the rest.

Fasten your seat belt.
Focus.
Have fun.

Happy Birthday, darling.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Mengenal Hyperlexia

Posted on by arlanadya

Draft ini sudah tersimpan selama lebih dari empat tahun. Saat itu semua masih kabur dan kalut. Saya tulis panjang lebar karena saya ngga mau lupa apapun yang saya baca dan rasakan saat itu.

Melanjutkan dari post ini.

Anak saya memiliki kondisi yang dinamakan Hiperleksia.

Hiperleksia adalah kondisi yang cukup langka dan tidak sepopuler kawannya, dyslexia.

Hyperlexia is a syndrome characterized by an intense fascination with letters or numbers and an advanced reading ability.

Children who have hyperlexia read at levels far beyond what is expected at their age“.

Hiperleksia adalah sebuah kondisi dimana seorang anak memiliki kemampuan membaca di atas usianya dan ini terjadi sebelum usia 5 tahun. Kata kuncinya adalah : self-taught.

Bisa membaca TANPA pengajaran.

Namun, kemampuan ini tidak diikuti oleh kemampuan MEMAHAMI bacaan yang setara dan kemampuan berbicara yang sesuai dengan usianya.

Dari gambar di atas terlihat jelas bagaimana Hiperleksia ada di sebrang dyslexia. Kebalikan dari anak dyslexia, anak dengan hiperleksia memiliki pengenalan word/symbol yang baik namun pemahaman yang kurang.

Salah satu akun advokasi hiperleksia @andnextcomesl yang saya ikuti menjelaskan dengan baik tentang hiperleksia di bawah ini

Butuh waktu beberapa lama untuk memproses semua ini dan tiba-tiba semua kejadian-kejadian yang sudah lalu menjadi masuk akal :

– Tiba-tiba bisa baca sebelum ulang tahun ke empat. Baca ya, bukan mengeja.

– Baca kamus bergambar berulang-ulang dan menghafal semua isinya

-Melihat benda dan menyambungkannya ke bentuk huruf. Ex : Mommy, it’s a …, it looks like A/B/C, etc.

– Cepat membaca not balok dan huruf arab.

– tanpa pernah diajari, tiba-tiba hafal perkalian.

– Menghafal nama bus dan jurusannya ketika di London, bahkan ketika hanya pernah naik sekali atau pun yang bahkan di luar daerah tempat tinggal kami.

Seperti Dyan @andnextcomesl, salah satu pertanyaan besar saya sejak bertahun-tahun lalu :

Ini jawabannya :

Saya menghabiskan satu hari membaca semua post dari akun ini dengan perasaan campur aduk. Rasanya seperti waktu pertama kali berdiri di depan papan DLD di Alfred Salter 6 tahun lalu.

Menemukan (sekali lagi) apa yang saya cari. Tapi kali ini, semua terasa pas dan benar.

Hiperleksia bukan diagnosis yang berdiri sendiri. Dia bisa bergabung dengan kondisi lain seperti ASD, ADHD atau SPD.

Ada 3 kategori hiperleksia :

Secara kasat mata, anak saya bisa berada antara hiperleksia tipe 2 atau tipe 3. Tipe 3 ini adalah hyperlexia dengan autistic trait namun bukan autistic. Ini yang memerlukan tes objektif lebih lanjut.

(Tarik nafas, lap keringet dan air mata).

Apa level anak saya saat ini? (Konteks : 4 tahun lalu)

Anak saya berkomunikasi sehari-hari dengan baik. Bahkan ‘terlalu baik’ jika memang ada kondisi lain selain hiperlexianya. Sangat suka matematika. Sangat suka bermain make-up, baru-baru ini lumayan bisa main skateboard.

Tapi jelas memerlukan terapi wicara yang terstruktur. Jadi bukan buat belajar bicara atau memperbaiki bicaranya, tapi untuk melatih pemahamannya terhadap bacaan.

Sebenarnya, membaca sudah jadi rutin harian sejak bayi. Tahun lalu lockdown di London, sekolahnya memberikan apps membaca dan matematika gratis buat orangtua (Epic! dan Numbots) . Sampai saat ini kami masih menggunakan keduanya. Setiap hari. Jatah Epic! gratis dalam seminggu adalah 2 jam. Idealnya sehari 20 menit, tapi seringnya dia membaca dua kali lebih lama sehingga kadang 2 jam sudah habis sebelum seminggu.

Ada pilihan Epic! unlimited yang kami akan berikan. Langgannya per bulan sekitar 130 ribu. Kalau bayar sekaligus setahun terakhir kali cek sekitar 1 juta. Aplikasi ini bagus sekali. Pilihan bukunya beragam dan menarik.

Di apps Epic! ini, pada sebagian besar bukunya, di bagian akhir terdapat quiz antara 5-8 pertanyaan pilihan ganda untuk melihat pemahaman anak terhadap buku yang baru dibaca. Anak saya cukup bisa menjawab hampir semua pertanyaannya.

Sedikit contoh :

Skor rata-rata quiznya berkisar antara 80-100%. Jadi, pada umumnya, dia paham apa yang dibaca.

Bagian yang memerlukan support lebih baik adalah bagaimana menjawab secara verbal atau menjawab tanpa pilihan. Selain itu juga, perlu banyak berlatih bagaimana memahami kalimat implisit. Salah satu ciri spesifik dari anak hiperleksia ini adalah mereka memahami kata secara literal.

Kira-kira seperti itu gambarannya.

Di satu sisi, saya bersyukur sekali kembali dipertemukan dengan apa yang selalu dicari. Penting sekali buat benar-benar mengerti untuk bisa menerima dan melanjutkan ‘perjalanan’.

Di sisi lain, ngga peduli sudah menghadapi ini bertahun-tahun, ini ngga mengurangi kegelisahan dan pernyataan, dalam tahap apapun, ini tidak (pernah) mudah.

Tapi, mengutip kata-kata dr. Mustafa dan dr. Sally di post ini cukup memberi sedikit penghiburan :

“She’ll be ok”.

“Every child will find their way. Something that we worry too much now could be irrelevant in the future”.

Semoga.

Kata Marthin Luther King Jr :

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope”.

Betul. Tanpa harapan, kami ngga akan pernah sampai ‘di sini’. Harapan yang bawa sampai sejauh ini dan saya percaya, akan lebih jauh lagi.

Akhirnya, dari saya setelah semua yang telah dilewati dan akan dilalui :

It takes a village to raise a child.

It might take a lifetime to understand her.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

About Priority

Posted on by arlanadya

New year usually comes with new arrangements. In designing the days spent, it’s not only about plotting clasess/activities in empty schedule.

Choosing a schedule is not only about choosing the time, it’s about choosing priorities and managing the flow and energy from one activity from another.

One of the most rewarding things from this mothering job, it really employs and exercises my lateral thinking skills. Before deciding something, I get to see and consider the things from many angles, not only for her but also many things that has important influence to her. Including and consulting the principal is compulsory, but, as someone who is doing daily operations, I need to operate based on the reality of the situation, but among all, I always stick on the priorities as much as I can.

Learning new things is compulsory, but for the little girl and me. But, at what cost? The class is interesting but, it’s conflicting with prayer time. The class and time are matched, but it is on my fasting day. The class has good advantages, but it is on the day of our regular weekly Quran night. The class fits everything, but, it’s conflicting with my other schedule or vice versa.

In deciding which activities to participate, other than money spent, the more important thing is to consider what we will lose in gaining the knowledge. Opportunity cost is talking here.

Classes and activities may come and go, but certain priorities will always be on the first row. There should be certain things that are non-negotiable. When you know what’s yours, it will give a clear answer to the question. It also makes you easier to say more no than yes.

Based on experiences in few areas of life, when you get your priorities straight, everything else will fall into place.

Posted in Disability, Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

End of Semester’s Reflection

Posted on by arlanadya

I am a huge supporter of homeschooling but our situation doesn’t really suit for doing it fully. So I take half of the schooling while still sending my daughter to formal school whose values so far is aligned with what we preach and practice.

This end of semester’s reflection is quite different than the previous ones where it was more sentimental.

This semester I took studying more seriously by implementing regular night study with or without tests. This is more about to reduce the headache due to transition from lower grade levels to upper grades which academic demands are jumping significantly than my passion for teaching and learning.

At the end of this semester, we registered her to a CognitiveMap test in one of the institutions in Jakarta which is also globally renowned. This is not an IQ test, but I think it gives better insight about how the current brain of the child abilities. It test five brain muscles : vision, auditory, sensory motor, focus, and emotional processing.

I searched why these five and found a journal that explains it well. It has been determined that neuroplasticity occuring in childhood brain is mainly related to these five aspects.

Other than insightful, this test result is quite useful to decide and understand more about how she learns best and which area she needs to improve.

I often wonder will I do differently if we didn’t receive any diagnosis? Will I try this much if she is one without any specific conditions? Will I be less worried about her?

I am not sure about the answer. One of my strength which can also be my weakness is, I always take everything seriously. Especially if it’s something that gives significant impact to my life and future.

I made list and notes rigorously.
I read intensely and extensively.
I nag The One who decides all affairs regularly and continuously.

I often wonder whether it’s a blessing or a curse to be this stubborn about something that I think it’s right.

What could soften me a bit is certain phrases from my readings :
« Mothers/parents matter. But, they are not everything ».

Your efforts matter.
But, the end result is never yours.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité

Ten Years of Motherhood

Posted on by arlanadya

For the past 10 years, the most difficult part of parenting is not about her. The hardest struggle is about regulating my self. The toughest battle is about to change what’s inside me. To fight many things that that have been imprinted subconsciously for years.

To unlearn few beliefs growing up that no longer resonates with me. Yet, in the other hand, to insist she understands, memorizes, and applies certain values that I consider important.

To acknowledge those things, it is important. To fight it, boy, it’s a battle that makes me cry regularly during early morning one-on-one session. Even every time I edited this post, tears couldn’t help falling knowing how much I lack as a mother.

Other than our spouse, The One who we really have to include in every stage of parenting is the creator. Guidance, patience, compassion, things that could only be granted by Him in this life task of raising a human being.

As she is growing up, I am also growing old. May Allah grant me the force needed as we’re heading to puberty and perimenopause. Amin.

————————-

For the past ten years, she grows as beautiful as the literal meaning of her name. Inside out.

For the past ten years, she has grown according to the meaning of her name. A knowledge seeker, a learner, a beautiful sunbeam illuminating our world, makes life full of hope, warmth, and radiance.

In her name as a whole, my hope refers to QS 58: 11

وَإِذَا قِيلَ ٱنشُزُوا۟ فَٱنشُزُوا۟ يَرْفَعِ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ مِنكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُوا۟ ٱلْعِلْمَ دَرَجَـٰتٍۢ ۚ
“Allah will elevate those of you who are faithful, and ˹raise˺ those gifted with knowledge in rank”.

Happy 10th birthday, my dearest.
May Allah bless you with strong faith, excellent health, and sufficient wealth and always guide you every step of the way. I wish you all the resilience and excitement you need to deal with whatever life throws at you.

I hope this first decade of your life has been a great enjoyable ride for you as it’s for me. It’s not always rainbow, but being your mother has been one of the best adventures in my life.

Thank you for all the random “I love yous” you throw me daily. You know I love you too, right?

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

An Instant Click

Posted on by arlanadya

This post is still related tothe previous writing about a city’s personality.

I made a video of my few hours in Salzburg and I remembered there are a lot more that I wanted to see.

My memory jumped on a video I watched. An interior designer discusses how entering certain rooms will create a lovely atmosphere. It works like that because the five senses are being stimulated by the atmosphere of the room. It’s sending the signal to all your senses, so you’re saying that “it’s lovely here” without realising it. It’s the experience that tells you that you belong here.

After watching the whole video, my thought came to a few places right away :
Our living room at home with the kitchen view,
The tawaf area on the first floor has a direct view of Kaaba,
A few cities in Europe.

Salzburg is one of them. It’s an inexplicable feeling of instant click like Paris. Not every city will give you such a feeling. The second time in Paris, I still couldn’t hide the excitement, and any offer to return is always welcomed.

Not every city will do.

London is not. I love it gradually, slowly, as I know him. But, few other places in the UK do give this feeling, like Lake District and Bath.

Tokyo is not; it’s kind and heart-warming, but it doesn’t give me the feeling of wanting to return.
Seoul? Far from kind, let alone heartwarming. A place that is good enough to know.

Amsterdam is too short to feel anything. Porto is dear to my heart, but it’s far too extrovert for me. Munich takes a while to warm up, not an instant click.

Not every city will be compatible with you. Just like people.

Then, I found another video of a French woman living in England. Said that once she heard a French friend kept saying an English word “people pleaser” with French accent. That was when she realized there was no word of “people pleaser” in French. It was so alien for the French to be people-pleasers until they had no words for it.

Voila. It makes sense then why I feel so compatible with anything French.

Wait, this is a writing that came from compilations of videos that I watched. I still have the last one.

After that French video, another one related to it came. It says :

“You see, Islam doesn’t want you to be nice, believe it or not. Islam wants you to be kind. And there is a difference between both. See nice is pleasing others. You become a people pleaser. When you become a people pleaser, expect to be hurt a lot and walk over all the time. Nice is giving someone what they demand, regardless of whether it’s good or not for them. Kind is performing acts of goodness to someone, regardless whether they view it as something that they need or not”.

It adds another after so many reasons why Islam as a way of life is also compatible with me.

It shows also to how I parent. Some says making a 9 soon to be 10 yo kid to do chores and training before 7.45 school is too hard. But, I rarely listens to noise or advice, unless it comes from someone whose life I want to pursue or am heading to.

For me, I don’t need to be a nice parent. Being disciplined and consistent is my way to be kind to my daughter and her future self.

A memorable line from Amy Chua’s book :

“I didn’t care. I wasn’t fragile, like some Western parents. As I often said to the girls, “My goal as a parent is to prepare you for the future—not to make you like me.”

Another line that makes me feel an instant click.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

The Joy of Missing Out

Posted on by arlanadya

Yesterday was quite a blast in the parents’ chat group. A considerable case blew up, and the talk has been going on the whole day, even some of them set up a Zoom meeting and discussed further.

Entering the fourth year of schooling here, I enjoy staying under the radar regarding relationships with mothers. I didn’t share my personal social media account like others do, only saying something when it’s necessary, saying no often to rendezvous, saying yes to few playdates that are important to my daughter, and being invisible most of the time.

Here, parents group chat is usually too loud for my preference. But this group is quite tolerable. I am grateful for the group that letting me being invisible without pushing me away completely. I form certain degree of closeness to some of them, but, that’s it.

Yesterday was exceptional. The case was too big to ignore since it was already considered criminal. But, discussing the case from morning till night was already too much, for me. It becomes endless and aimless.

Yesterday was a lesson not to trust someone too much or get too close until they know everything about yourself, your belongings, and even your bank card PIN. The one who stabs you is never one who is far away. It’s always the one who is the closest to you. That is always the case.

It’s important to spare some room of doubts for everyone including yourself, when it comes to money, especially those with power and they’re dealing with money.

I believe adult life needs a certain degree of anti-socialness to keep a peaceful life. You can’t treat everyone the same. Everyone that you know deserves different layers of yourself that you want to show them. You don’t give your access key to everyone.

Your true people don’t need you to take pictures and tag you on social media when you meet them. Your true people don’t make you feel the obligation to return whatever you give them. Your true people are the ones you want to give without expecting any return too.

Clearly, it’s impossible to have too many for such a description.

It also helps to be clear about your goal so you can recognize some distractions that you don’t need in life. One of my daily goals is to want peace and quiet, a close to drama-free life, especially from strangers.

Thus, putting those too-loud chat groups in WhatsApp in the archive feature is one way to achieve such goal.

Certain control of life drama is in our hands.

Use it well.

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

A Long Way for Understanding

Posted on by arlanadya

I received a phone call from my father yesterday. It was just a casual talk until we discussed my brother, who is currently pursuing his doctorate study in Germany, with his family.

They just recently moved after around two years lived apart. I have been so eager for them to reunite as a family, while my dad prefers that he stays there alone until he finishes his studies, without too many distractions.

This is a topic that we often discuss over and over again, and always having a debate about our own opinion.

For me, your own family is not a distraction. How come? From what I see from his videos, his life is much better with his family around. He has two uber-cute toddlers and baby daughters whose laughter is so contagious , and even for me, who is only listening to them, it makes me happy.

Having them around might be more challenging, but so what? That is his responsibility as a father. Being an adult means having multiple roles that you should figure out how to deal with, and being a man to your wife and a dad to your kids should be the top priority.

I am thrilled that they finally moved in together. Such a critical and golden period of his marriage and child-rearing experience is too precious to be wasted for just a title behind his name.

While my father thinks the opposite, it’s essential to focus so he can finish his studies soon. His wife and children could wait here, and his wife could keep working because money is vital, too. Besides that, help is widely available here. Most of everything that they need is easy to get. He said that they could go there for just a holiday.

Then I realized where this came from.

That was precisely what my father did when he pursued his master’s degree around 30 years ago. He went alone and left my late mom with the three kids to take care of. My mom could keep working, too, because I was sure money was tight then. They thought bringing the whole family there was only a year and not worth the hassle.

We visited him during summer break for a month. When I looked back, I loved a month spent there. I wish we could stay there together. That was also the starting point when I learned English and had the idea of living abroad. I kept repeating and remembering that month, and it quickly became one of the best core memories of my childhood. I wrote this twelve years ago, eighteen years after that event happened, still with that high excitement.

While my father’s opinion came from his experience, so did mine. When a chance to move to London came for my own family, we didn’t think twice to move together, despite all the hassles, money and energy spent. It was also only for a year initially.

Then, when we moved to London, it was hard. All the preparations until the departure, the first two months there, were far from easy. But, there is no single thing I (we) regretted doing. Life in London was one of the happiest moments in my life personally and as a family. I believe that is also the case for my daughter and the doctor.

Although I couldn’t push my opinion on anyone, things important to me might not be necessary to someone else; I hope my brother follows more of my path than his father. They are still indecisive about staying and prolonging their residence permit, which will expire in August. Two days after I arrived, he called me and said they seriously considered only staying for three months and returning to ‘normal life.’ Two days after arriving. Imagined how long my lecture had been at that time😂

Besides nagging him on WhatsApp, I’ll add them to my prayers, too, so Allah will show them the right way as a family. Amiin.

I read a line while reading Harari’s Homo Deus yesterday that said :

Studying history will not tell us what to choose, but at least it gives us more options.

This is the best reason to learn history: not in order to predict the future, but to free yourself of the past and imagine alternative destinies. Of course this is not total freedom – we cannot avoid being shaped by the past. But some freedom is better than none.

I think those lines also applicable for personal life.

(I see some hope. As this writing was published, he sent me a text with scooter and push bike picture).