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We went to different college and different cities, although it was only between Jakarta and Bogor.
We went through a-quite-tough relationship during our college years. There were ons-offs till I lost count. But, one thing for sure, it had always been there.

1st semester
I remembered facing some of ‘them’ during my first semester. But,the most noticeable was my senior. He was my lecturer assistant for Basic Economics. It was not until the last day of the class when I knew he had been paying me some attention.

I was not the class coordinator for the subject but I remembered that he suddenly texted me for the first time asking something for the final test. I just answered it casually even tough I felt it was a bit fishy since I never gave my phone number. It was confirmed that he had something when his third texts on that day had some standardized-attentive words on it then I knew that was a new problem came.

Why problem? I was not good at all on dealing with other’s feeling, remember?

This senior had been very kind even afer the class was done. Insisted on lending me his books for the second semester which I tried to refuse it hard till I finally accepted it since I did not see any other way to stop him. He even found out my home phone number, that my father once went to the same school 29 years before, and some of the things that I had no idea how he could find those. He called quite often on Saturday evening,maybe just checked whether I had a date or not:))

He popped up the question on new years’ eve 2005. So, it had been 1,5 years until he said the words. It was exactly at midnight. But, then, you know my answer right? I had no intention starting any new relationship at all. Not just because of the promise, but I wouldn’t accept anyone if I was not sure that I could return the feeling. They said it might changed as time went by. For me, I believed it would not. I rarely and almost never change my first answer.

The rejection didn’t stop him at all. It did, for some time. It changed his attitude toward me also. I just took it as a risk. But, yet, he came back. He visited me during my KKN, toped-up my phone credit,etc. After he graduated and worked in Jakarta, he texted me and even once made me had dinner with him, and my friends. Yes, it was a hilarious night that six of us dined together at Saras:))

He had been here for let say 6 years at least. Sadly, It could not move me at all. I wish he had his best things in life as I write this. Amin.

Him
Me and him on the 1st semester were pretty good. Good as we talked over the phone and sms quite often. Sometimes it felt like we were still really together, eventough I didn’t know what he had been doing with other girls during those times;))
At that time also, the idea of being married to me was proposed, or let say mentioned.

I remembered that night. As we talked over texts on the second day of Idul Fitri. Oh, Idul Fitri had always been something about him. Some feeling that only can be felt during that time.
We talked casually and then it stopped for about an hour. He did not reply the text. So I thought that was it for the night.

But, suddenly a text came. Not a usual text but more like a simple poem. It silenced me for a moment after reading it. It was just a-two-sentences poem yet it said a lot.
It was so me for being tactless on replying that kind of text. I often decided to reply with some unfunny jokes since I didn’t know what to say. But, at that time, before I replied, he sent another text explaining that was a poem that he intended to put down on his wedding invitation card some day. He had promised it with his former girl friend, either they would be together or end up with someone else, they would print that poem on their wedding invitation. But, it actually should not be revealed until the time came.
If that so, I asked him why he sent it to me then. He answered that the promise had to be broken because of me and he just missed me so much. I was jokingly said that he should send me one, the wedding invitation.

” The wedding won’t be held if you don’t come. Can I married without the bridegroom?”

There he said it.

It even stunned me more. Wedding,he said?

The rest of the conversations were quite long to be explained. He told me that he didn’t want to lose me until five years later when I had done with my promise. A text that was one of my favorite texts from him :

” Except you find somebody else not me. I try to change. I want to be a better person for you. When I think I make it, I’ll ask you back. Just think how to refuse me”.

Hey little girl, I don’t know how later you see your father, but he was that good at words till many times it felt too overwhelming for the plain me.

But,still, even after that I had not changed my mind. I could not be with anyone till I make it to bachelor degree. He understood that fully.

It was true some saying that said words are actually a prayer. 9 years later from that night, the poem was here :

It was written on the back of our wedding invitation.

I made the promise for me having quieter life after being in a relationship which I considered didn’t suit me at all.

The time before the doctor, I had good excuse to refuse all the offer since I truly had someone who I really liked for years. I expected no one other than that person.But,as my feeling started fading off it became quite hard using it as an excuse.

I’ve never been one who has so many guys after or popular. I was just an average and just nice looking enough during junior high and senior high school. I had some offer during those years but I never took any of it seriously until the doctor came.

Then I didn’t know what happened suddenly soon as I entered college I became quite popular,at least among students of my major. During new students three-days orientation I had few guys approaching me including the senior who protected me from those guys in my group who tried to approach. It took me some time to realize,men only really care to the girl that they like. So,you can’t call it protecting actually since he did that for his own sake:|

I didn’t know how to put the stories during these 4 years. Maybe I will do it according to the semesters. It was pretty funny that I had at least one person came each semester. But it wasn’t the funniest part.

The fact that they didn’t leave for several years,even after being rejected, well, several times, that was amusing and yet confusing me so much.

After the doctor, I didn’t really understand how all those guys could be waiting like he did.

They really did.

Good? Not at all.

Some people who know me well enough must have known that I do complaining,quite a lot. I don’t like being uncomfortable,but who does?

But, I am pretty selective to whom I talk my complaints. Mostly, it is le husband or else the diary or this virtual friend. I rarely complaint to my friends.

I feel tired easily recently,might be due to the pregnancy. Oh,please don’t misunderstand this. I am beyond happy about this little one. The problem is that sometimes i feel these people in my surrounding really seem less care that I can’t be as tired as before. 

I thank God that I am still being able to go work quite comfortably,but the houseworks tire me often. I really tried my best to keep up but still as it is getting bigger,it is getting harder too. It is getting more difficult to meet others’ expectation and being okay at the same time.

For.example,about the meals. I really put much effort to arrange the daily menu. Not only once,but thrice a day. I consider when le husband is home, what food my father seem like having for dinner, what to serve when I am teaching till evening, who will eat the leftover (mostly I do) and when to eat it,and so on.

I become very annoyed when I had prepared the meals then suddenly there is one who said that they ate out or already had the dinner. I don’t mind they are eating out at all but I really insist that at least they let me know, so I can prepare as many as people who eat. It saves my energy a lot.

If others just can sleep and rest after they are home, I can’t. Right after I arrived home, I have to take care and prepare for dinner and everything. No matter how tired. Then after the dinner, clean up all the leftover and other tiny little things that need to be done. I don’t have any other option beside doing that. Then after that, I just have to cope up with this ‘sesek’ tummy everytime I feel so tired. 

 

 

 

 

This is the last day of Ramadhan. In the previous years, it had been always exciting because everybody was home,cleaning up the house, it felt so good. This Ramadhan only me and dad are here. I have been cleaning since yesterday and I don’t feel excited at all. I only feel tired. Mbak wi will be absent for three days as usual and it should be ok,but this year I am alone. I don’t mind washing the dishes or else for few days, but it usually we divide the job but it seems that I have to do this alone this time.

My mother’s death brought so many changes in this family. In my life,particularly..

Yesterday, a shock news came as I red twitter. A Malaysian Airlines plane had been shot in Ukraine. It just another sad news from MH after the missing plane last March. One missing and this one was shot down. All the passengers were gone.

The missing plane was literally missing. It just dissapeared into nothing even until now no country has been able to trace it. Then, it just few months they had another disaster. The plane was shot by Ukranian missile and it fell off to the ground into pieces.

I have been reading all news related to that and feel so grieve. Been flying several times with MH while I was studying abroad and I liked it. It had been my first choice if the price reasonable. I preferred MH than any other airlines.

So those sad news were quite made me gloomy since I feel close to it. Hundred lives were just gone in few seconds like it was nothing. Other even just dissapeared without no one knows what really happened back then.
It reminds that our life is never been ours. We can turn from something into nothing in a blink.

As this little one is in my womb, I even worry more. Like a lot. About many things. My fear that I couldn’t be as good as my mom, that I might lack in many things, or I don’t have enough time to be with him/her and its siblings until they are ready to stand on their own.

The sad news plus the thought above,currently devastate me so much.

Ramadhan is here once again. It’s been a week. Although many things have changed,but Ramadhan as I remember.has always been heart-warming.

The title above sounds too serious,doesn’t it? It suddenly came up this morning after sahur and feel the urge to write it. Since the writing mood comes so rarely, I won’t waste it.

My life has changed a lot since the end of 2012. And since then, it feels like stuck in one point. Before that time, work had been quite exciting because I had always had something to aim for. Work (and money) was a tool for some purposes and it was enjoyable. The feeling to have your plan executed was awesome.

Lately, I just kind of living a life. Haven’t been anywhere for almost 2 years. It just a work for living. And in many times, it frustrates me a lot. Been complaining to him about quitting work either school or music work. I almosy lost all my interest in doing any work. Even usually I was quite exciting when payday came, rushing to the bank to arrange the money, it has changed too. I just checked it when it came then I just wait until I have time to go to bank.

I currently stop chasing something due to our situation. I mean with him studying,we don’t have much time and money to be spent for other things than to secure it for any rainy days. Plus, the little one is in its way here,so we even have to prepare more. Thank God, it’s been enough alhamdulillah and hope it will always be sufficient.

But then, as I am aged, I really want to pursue something again. First thing first, Europe. You know,it has been my constant stomach-ache since a very long time. Along these 2 years I tried my best to not to think about it that much. But, I will never be able to forget about it. The very first thing I really want to do after he finishes studying insya Allah is executing this one. Either alone or together. Sounds selfish? Maybe.

But my plan now can’t be just merely my plan. It has to do with many people. So, I think this one of an important lessons for you kids,do many things as much as you can when you have your time and freedom. Before selfishness can’t be your middle name any longer. I hope I,and your father can support you as best as we can to let you experience as many as possible best things in life,amin.

My last sentence might be my new way of redefining a life..

As I remembered, days after that afternoon date at Pizza Hut were quite err.. happy,funny?maybe something like that. Since it’s been quite long time that i was close to anybody whom I liked too. For me, in a relationship it is very important to be with someone that i like too. I never take any risk to accept someone’s feeling if i dont feel the same way too. That was why i rejected some boys during junior high and senior high before his time (please bear with my humble brag;)).

But,then again, those funny and happy days didn’t last too long. More problems arose. More because of our disagreement in many things. Well,honestly my disagreements. As i told here before, i just wanted to keep it simple. Chatting over text and talking on the phone were enough. More than enough for me but not for him.

For him, it was important that we should meet,eat together, watch movies,date on the weekend,etc. So I was telling him that he could do that with other girl. I was being straight from the start that I couldn’t be like that. I wouldn’t. Another reason that I didn’t tell him was my parents would never ever allow me. But I didn’t feel like to drag my parents to my reason. 

There were countless fight and quarrel over so many things that made me often really wanted to quit this. Until we finished our national examination on May 2003, that was the time that i felt i couldn’t take it any longer. It was in a late night that I finally had the courage to tell him about how stress i had been for these few months. Told him i really couldn’t handle it. I was not happy every morning i woke up and knew that we were together. I wanted to be back as a friend. I promised that I would not go anywhere. I would be just here anytime he needeed me. But I asked him to straighten things out that we were just friends. Only friends. 

I thought that i would feel better telling him all those words. Then, I was totally wrong. It was terrible. Heard him crying it was even more hurtful. Even after i hung up the phone i couldn’t help crying and sending him texts saying that i was really sorry. Even there were somedays afterward that i had this thought of asking him to be back together. But I just couldn’t do that. Knowing I might hurt him more later if i did that.

It was on May, 11th, 2003, that night, i had a promise made myself that I wouldn’t be involved in any close relationship with anyone until i graduate from my bachelor degree 4-5 years later.

A promise that turned out i really kept and made while hurting quite few hearts along the way. 

Sunrise in Jeddah Hajj Airport

 

I am, always envy those who can write consistently and produce good writing.

Because it’s very hard to write and keep writing daily. Like now, I’ve no idea what I want to write. Just babbling around.

Dad,bro,and sis will come home in few days from Hajj Insya Allah. During these 1,5 months, I’ve the most meetings up in a year. College best friend, high school mates, and last Sunday, met up after 11 years, my ILP fellows. Those people whom I met when my a lifetime love story began. The Doctor’s high school friends, as well as my elementary friends too, Funny, wasn’t it?

And, today, is the first day of 1435 H, I’m going to meet my longest best friend, from elementary and junior high. Yeah, meeting up is very pricey these days. I’m also envy those who can constantly set up a meeting with their old friends. 

I think. t’s getting hard for me because I stop making friends since years ago. If I look up my phone book, and think of talking to someone, it’s been always the same persons. It’s either The Rangers, Noni, Astrid, or few of my high school friends, last but not least, my sister and bien sur, Le docteur. No new ones. All came from at least 11 years ago.  

 

I’m also turning 29 last October. 29, what a number, isn’t it?Soon my 20’s will be over. One of the best decade in one’s lifetime,mine too. I had the highlights of my life during this ten years. Bachelor degree, become a real teacher as I dreamed, went abroad, master degree abroad, went Hajj, got married. What a blessing. I just wish and pray hard for one more huge blessing in the end of these great 10 years. May Allah pleases to give me that chance. Amin.

 

So, I think that’s all the babble this morning. It’s holiday and le husband is around. So, hopefully, good day it is!

 

Au revoir;)

 

So, how was the whole new world that I lived in?

Is it good?Nice?Suck?

In ordered to answer that question, I should go back first to that particular Wednesday night. What did those 4 hours do to us?

Well, that night, I told him everything  that I didn’t know that I could tell someone before. I told him that I liked these past few weeks minus the bad times. I felt comfortable talking with him. I liked to keep it simple as before. I also told him about me liking someone for 7 years, which were still counting until I met him, or maybe at present, and this was the first time I’d been this close with any guy after him. Close that couldn’t be defined as ‘just a friend’.

Then, I told him, I had no interest in having relationship with any guys until I had my bachelor degree, which still would be in 4-5 years later. I had enough to deal with my last national examination, university entrance examination, as well as my very last piano examination. It gave high stress enough. I didn’t need more, such to deal with other’s feeling.

He was silent for a moment when I told him that and then started to argue. Said that he understood about that and had no intention to mess with all my exams. Meanwhile he had his too. He told me that he prefered to have everything clear. He wanted me to be always here. Anytime he needed me. Said I was the right person at wrong time. Because I came when everyone left. Listened to all the things he complained about, soothed him whenever he needed, helped him to through this post break-up period.

I was a bit disappointed to hear that. So, i told him he might be wrong about his feeling for me. Said that he didn’t like me, but he just had this idea of liking me, because what I did for him.  But then, it was no problem. As me myself hadn’t been that sure also whether I truly liked him or what. So, let’s just being friends.

He didn’t agree. He didn’t want to be my friend. For whatever reasons that I told him before, he was sure enough he didn’t want a friend. He needed not one.

That was the most confusing point of our conversation. I was pretty sure that despite my feeling toward him, I didn’t want to have a relationship too at that moment. I didn’t want to feel I was ‘owned’ or labelled as someone’s girl friend. But, I loved to keep this on.

We kept arguing until at one point, (I forgot who proposed this, maybe I did) we had this agreement. That we would keep this going, without any label. But, he told me that he prefered that I wasn’t seeing someone else too. I answered seeing him was enough problem. I was not looking for more:))

I agreed in few conditions : we kept it closed, not asking meeting often (not at all if he could), no house visit. I strictly prohibited everything that could make anybody talked about this. Only for the inner circle. Our best friend would be fine. But, please not too many. I wanted to keep it undercover. He agreed.

So, that was it.

The next days continued like we were really together. Had those endless texts everyday, phone calls, and suddenly, I spent almost twice to pay for phone bill;))

So, the answered the question above is happy then?

There you wish. I knew before that the agreement that day came together with others consequences that I had to face in the future. The simplest one about meeting up. Several times he asked to go out, insisted to pick me up from school, watched movie together,etc. At first, I could warn him about our agreement. But as he kept asking all the time, I could no longer use that. It just made us quarrel. I hated it if we quarreled. So, there came the time when I finally agreed to go out with him. Because he said that he needed to talk about something which he didn’t want to do it by phone nor text.

It was on Friday afternoon. Our first date was at Pizza Hut. The place is still there, but it’s no longer Pizza Hut, but Hoka-Hoka Bento.

I arrived earlier, after I had my piano courses. I forgot whether I really didn’t have my evening class or I skipped it. We met at 4 pm. He came maybe 10 minutes after me, then we went upstairs and chose the two-seats near the window. I was so nervous at that time. I never went out with anyone before. Not this kind of date. It felt really weird that I was truly doing this. A funny fact, that day we wore the same brand of shirt of Hush Puppies. I wore the white t-shirt while he wore blue-green shirt. I can’t help smiling while remembering this:)

It turned out that something that he wanted to talk about was his ex-girl-friend. I didn’t really understand what was the point of discussing her ex-girl friend with me, while I was pretty sure that I didn’t like her much. Not because of her being his girl friend, no problem about there, but, this girl had once come to the English course just to see which girl who had been close with her boyfriend after the break-up. She came to me asked my name, asked whether I was his friend,etc. She was so intimidating at that time. I admitted I was quite scare, though I didn’t show it. Not scare of her, (of course!) but I didn’t want to be seen as if I was quarrelling over a boy. Oh, please. Just shoot me if i did -_-

I kept listening to him in spite of my unapproved to the topic. He said that he wanted me to know his situation. The situation where he still met his ex girlfriend everyday at school, while they were also in the same circle of friendship, his feeling toward him that might not 100% cured, and so on. To be honest, I didn’t what to feel hearing all of that. I meant, well, it was logic that he couldn’t overcome his feeling toward her yet, while they were this close at school, while in other side, it was confusing why then he asked me to stay. If I looked back, maybe there was a bit of jealousy there.

In the end of his explanations, he asked my opinion. So, i just told him what I wrote about minus the jealousy part but I added something. Told him that my feeling had not been 100% too for him, since I had liked this boy from my elementary for 7 years. It was impossible that it disappeared suddenly. So, we were kind of even here. We were together while we’re dealing with our past.

But then he asked me question about my past. Asked how much that person still occupied my mind. Err.. I remembered that I answered with percentage, but not remembered how much exactly the number;)) Then, he seriously said that he didn’t like competition which was the soft translation of he didn’t like to have competitor. Still in his serious tone, he said that he would make sure I would forget that guy soon. You’d see, he said.

That afternoon, I came home with lighter heart. I was quite relieved that we talked over this. Somehow, the conversations showed me that he really trusted me, and he didn’t mind sharing everything with me. I received a text once I arrived home :

” Gosh! I forgot to tell you something! I forgot to tell you that I love you so much,dear.”

…..

Love?

Saying things that I could hardly handle was something that he was really good at.

It surely is on fire. My writing mood. Let’s proceed, shall we?

Something definitely changed after that Saturday afternoon phone call. I knew it, he surely did too. But… I chose to ignore it. Or, tried my best to avoid it, to be honest.

I had my reasons. First, it was getting scare. Really, at first I was ok. I enjoyed our talks, our jokes. I felt like this was so good. I never knew that I could be this comfortable talking to someone whom I’d just met. It amazed me that this time I didn’t behave as bad as before.

Bad means bad. I once just walked away when my friend wanted to introduce me to her friend, our senior. This guy had been asking my friend to introduce him to me for days. Then, when we accidentally met somewhere at school, my friend happily shouted at him to introduce us. Then, when he came, I just stared at him, then left.

What could be worse and stupid? I didn’t do that only just once. Almost every time. But, this one, this time, I didn’t. I didn’t run, I didn’t make excuses. Or, let say not in the first step. It was a major change.

Second and the rests, I was not ready. Not at all. Period.

That Saturday afternoon phone call brought all those situations we had before to all new level. He was more clear in expressing his feeling. Several times he threw those lines that I was unable to counter. I often made jokes when his text felt dangerous, and often worked also. But then, I had a good rival here. His texts became softer, caring, and confusing. That was so new to me.

I never had someone intensely greeted me every morning, asked how my day was, and in the end of the day, wished me nice dream.  It even sounded so wrong. It was getting hard because not only him, but I had to fight my self too. Half of my self wanted to try this, and the other half didn’t.

What made it harder, all these players were equally stubborn. Real stubborn. He was so persistent. Asked me to go out, wanted to send me home, celebrated his birthday with me, and many more. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to do all those things, at all. Not because of him, but I didn’t fancy doing that. While he had no idea why I was so hard, I too didn’t understand why he was so persistent. He might think that it were all usual things a guy asked to a girl he liked, while I thought that why tried so hard if this girl refused it.

But then, it was only half of my self that refused it. The other half was so curious to see what happened if this continued. That was why, it kept going. Something inside me made it kept going. I felt like betrayed by me. That one who didn’t obey the other that wanted to stop. This time, I was totally dragged out of my comfort zone. Instead of avoiding, I pushed to face it.

The texts then felt like a time bomb that could explode at any time. I was becoming so careful in replying the texts. I tried my best not to hear any dangerous statement from him. I wanted this as we had this on the first place, nothing more.

Then, the bomb finally exploded on one Wednesday night. I still remembered that night. Again, it started from text messages. Few days before, his texts were those of the most uneasiness I’d ever had. Kept being cynical of our status, what term that defined us best, and so on. Many of those texts needed me to spend hours just think about how to reply it, well.., right. So much energy just to reply a text!

Maybe that Wednesday night he reached his limit. And I knew that I could no longer hide, nor avoid it. The only choice left was to face it so we would know what to do next. His texts that night were very clear. He clearly said that he didn’t want to keep wondering all the time. He wanted to hear from me what I felt about us. He had done his part.  By telling me ” I think I like you. A lot”. It was beyond clear.

I made up my mind. Told him that this time, I would call him and talked about this not by texts. We talked. I remembered how tense that night was. I called him from my home number. It was a very long talk. I finally told him everything. What I thought about this, how I felt for him, and what I wanted after this. I told him all, please note it, bravely.

Somehow, I couldn’t believe that I did it. Confessing my personal feeling to someone else. It was real me. Even after 4-hours-long talk and hung up the receiver, I just sat still for moments, couldn’t say any words and kept asking, ” Is it really me? Am I crazy? What the h*ll am I doing?” I must be insane.

It seemed everything happened beyond my control. The harder I tried to stop this, the more complicated it would be. So, after that night, i gave up a bit. Just a bit, not much. Not only me, the other party himself also changed. He became less gloomier, the texts were somehow more cheerful while, with his cheesy-tried-to-sound-romantic lines, and in someway, um.. there were affection. What surprised me, unconsciously, I gave it back. Kind of naturally. Like it wasn’t something new for me. But then again, just a bit, not much.

I learned a lot from this new experience. Learned to deal with other’s feeling, learned to compromise about something, learned to be more open and let other person knew what I felt, learned about many new things that I maybe knew what before, but never knew how.

 

Learned and experienced a truly whole new world in 18 years of my life.

…