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How I Met The Doctor II :”Days after Thursday Night”

Posted on by arlanadya

Guess I’m having my writing mood back. So, I’ll just continue till I don’t know when;)

I woke up half confuse and half smiling next Friday morning. Kept re-reading those four unusual texts and self-talking, “Should I worry?”.

As mentioned in the previous post, I was the one who almost never felt comfortable with any men, or boys. Thus, I didn’t fall for someone a lot. I fell in love once on my 6th grade, and it was lasting for 7 years. Couldn’t see anyone else but that person. Refused all the offers in junior and senior high, almost without doubts. I just stacked to one person for 7 years.

Then, after that Thursday night, I felt there was something changed. I caught my self feeling happy, smiling ear-to-ear. It was a bit weird because although we were in the same class, met twice/thrice a week, we were never really in a friendly term until that Thursday.  Hardly talked to each other. Never, as i remembered. Then, just changed numbers in one night could make us like we were a best friend.

I kept saying to my self that I wouldn’t take this too hard. Kept telling my head not to be overtaken by my heart. Cause this heart of mine seemed getting in controlled. The texts became addictive. It was him who always started texting, but I surely replied it. It was undeniable that I was enjoying that. We had nice conversations. I didn’t feel that someone was kind of approaching me because he liked me. It just felt that I was having a new nice best friend to talk to and share with. Waiting the texts became a routine.

Then, it was over. Not the story, nor the texts. The honeymoon phase.

Those funny, witty, and half-flirting texts disappeared. It turned to gloom, demanding, and cynical texts. Not only the texts, but the person himself. He, whom I knew beforehand, changed into someone else that totally different. He was no longer warm, funny guy with his nice words, but changed into a complaining, nagging, and so often being in his bad mood.

Later that I knew the reason why. He just broke up with his first girl friend. Freshly broke up. So, it was one of the reason why he had his mood up and down drastically. Then I found the pattern, he was better when we didn’t meet, but always became so frightening after we had class. Our first bad term occurred right after we had class, again on Thursday. A week after the first texts.

I didn’t really remembered what was the thing we talked about that made him sent me some texts right after I arrived home. The texts implicitly accused me of having a boyfriend, which he considered was Riza. He also apologized because was being so attentive while in fact, I was having a boyfriend. It was so confusing received his texts, I had no idea what he was talking about. Why suddenly talked about boyfriend? Who told him so?

I replied his texts telling him that I didn’t understand what that was all about. At first, I didn’t realize also that he referred to Riza. Then when I did, I told him that Riza was only a friend. But, still he kept telling strange expression, till I couldn’t say anything to reply it.

That night, that was the first time i couldn’t sleep through the night just because of someone whom I just knew for weeks. I kept asking in my head, why, out of sudden sent me those texts. What happened actually? I finally had something crossed my mind that might be the reason why he sent all those texts. I remembered that I cut our conversation off and rushed to go home. It was already 19.15. My dad must had been waiting. So, in the middle of talking, I said that I had to go home and quickly ran off.

It was at 3.30 in the morning when I sent him text that explained why I suddenly had to go home. He thought that I was angry. I explained that I wasn’t at all. Also made it clear that me and Riza, we were just friends. Nothing more. After the text sent, then I fell asleep.

Along the day, I kept wondering what happened here with me. It was so weird that a total sleepy-eyed like me, couldn’t sleep all night just because someone whom I barely knew. Why I cared too much about those texts and felt so important so he knew the actual situation. Why? The real me wouldn’t care about anything else if it was about sleeping. I could sleep in any conditions once my head felt the pillow. The real me wouldn’t be bothered by such texts and would choose to ignore it completely rather than thought about it through the night. Really, it was too weird.

Next days, the texts kept coming and it was getting more and more intense. He became more demanding once I didn’t reply his texts for some time. There were days when I felt stress about this. I knew he might still felt uneasy of breaking-up, but why pointed all the anger to me. It felt like I was the one who betrayed him and breaking-up with. Things always getting worse when we met, but it was better when we were off-class.

One day, I even asked Widya to accompany me go to ILP. I was just too afraid to be seen alone, so Widya just waited till I entered the class room, then left. It was getting uncomfortable when he was around. I chose to avoid him. Although it also made me sad, i mean, why we should be back like strangers. We really had no real problems. It really confused me what actually happened at that time.

After uncomfortable situations when we met in the course, then at night, he surely sent text to make up the situation. So, everything was ok. It repeated several times. Till one Friday which I remembered was a very exhausted day, and he once again had his bad mood, and ‘blaming’ me. I had a full piano course on Friday. From 2 – 7 pm. So, it was tiring day.

At first, everything was ok. Till he said something in his text, telling him that he missed me so much that day. I didn’t really keen of having those words. I didn’t know what to be replied. Said that I missed him too? Err… At that time, I just felt what to be missed while we were having texts everyday. You couldn’t miss someone who you ‘met’ everyday. Then, I chose to ignore it, and the bomb exploded.

Not only him because I ignored those last sentence, but I also finally pissed off because of that. Told him that not to act like the only one who had ever been hurt, or like I was the one who did it. Told him that I was so tired (it was indeed one bad day), so if he wanted to leave, then just left. I never said like that before. At first, I kept soothing him when he had bad mood attack. So, it might surprised him that I could say things like that. Once again, he sent me another text during midnight to make up the situation.

I made him wait that time. So, I rarely replied his texts. Till he told me that he would call later. He really called that Saturday afternoon. Maybe because I seemed still angry,hehe;))

We didn’t talk for long. But, as far as I remember, that was the very first time we had such serious phone talk. Maybe ‘serious’ was not an exact word to describe it. It was just deeper.

” Eh, yang gw bilang kemaren di sms. Hm.. itu gw bohong”

” Bohong apa?”

” Yang gw bilang ngga apa – apa kl lo emang mo pergi. Gw bohong.”

” Oh..”

” Gw ngga mau lo pergi. Jadi, jangan kemana-mana ya. Tetep disini..”

” ………….”

……

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How I Met The Doctor I :”At The Beginning”

Posted on by arlanadya

I rarely talk about him. Almost never. Suddenly I have the mood. So, don’t let it go in vain.

We had a very very long (hi)story. 10-long-and-hard-years. As I’m writing this, 10 years may sound so easy, and fast. In fact, just imagine how 10 years can do to one’s life.

We first met on 2002. Second grade at senior high school. I went to 81, he went to 61. Still in the s ame neighbourhood. We didn’t meet at school. We met in an English course. I think God is really humorous. 10 years from that time, this English course become one of part of our life once again.

I was a level higher at that time. But, the higher level, the less the students are. so, at one high level, I had to wait, so they could open the class. I noticed him on the first day simply because he’s my type. Yeah,the nerd looking guy with glasses never failed me. But, that was it. I had no intention of making friend or whatever.

I never made friends easily. I just went  to  prayer room to do maghrib prayer, then I just went back to the class. I didn’t really care that some of the students wondering why I never bothered to go to canteen, or had chat. So it happened while we were on the same class. I just sat by my self, greeted everyone once, answered if someone asked me, the rest, just sat still,be quiet, and red books. The only friend i was quite comfortable with was Andrio. We were on the same class from the very beginning, meanwhile, he was also my elementary school friend. So, I’d known him for quite sometime. Another small important thing, i never feel any comfortable with any men,boys. What made me was ok with andrio that he wasn’t the type that would fall for me and neither did I:)) But again, 10 years from that time, unbelievably, Andrio took part in the most important day of our live together. How funny it can be:)

So, my English class just ran as usual until one day the teacher wanted us to work in pairs. The best that I could remember, he was sitting next to me on that day. So, we worked as a pair. The conversation was just casual, discussed what we had to do with the task, then took turn in answering. That was all. I wasn’t in my good mood that day. It was on Thursday, mid of July. I was having bad mood about my piano lesson on Friday. So,when the lesson finished, I tidied up my things and hurried to prayer room. Didn’t even bother to say goodbye or anything.

I saw him again after praying. I forgot he said something,like basa basi, then i simply answered. But then. what happened after that might be considered as the root of all problems that we would go through in the next few years. It’s so funny, isn’t it? A small,random and meaningless thing that you did in the past gave an enormous impact to your future.

So, what was that small,random, and meaningless thing that I did that day?

Gave him my mobile number.

Of course not voluntarily, he asked me first. At that time, not everyone had their own mobile phone. I had it together too with my sister before we finally owned our own. That day, it was my turn who brought it. So, when he asked me i just easily gave my number and he miscalled me so I could save his too.

That was it. As simple as gave your number away to your class mate. How bad it can be?

No needed waiting too long. The effect was in an instant. I instantly received  my first text from him right after I arrived home. I’m laughing when I remember that while I’m writing this;))

I never had any text with any boys before. More, from one that I just met and knew in couple of weeks. I’d simply ignore it. But then, I too didn’t understand why I behaved differently that time. I mean, i didn’t take it as something that annoyed me. So I replied his text, still without anything in my head.

A text then became four texts that night. Four unusual texts for two people who just met and knew each other. When I replied the first text without anything in my head,after four texts, that night, I slept with so many things in my head.

….

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The First

Posted on by arlanadya

It’s been always the first for everything. First step, first word, first love.

I had one of my first recently. My first Eid. 

First Eid without my dearest mum. As well as first Ramadan.

Ramadan has been always my favorite time of the year. The ambience, the feeling, it’s been always different from any other months. It’s also the time for family. We would have sahur together in morning, and try as best as we can to have ifthar at home.

My Ramadan had been wonderful as far as i remember. I loved it best while I was in elementary school. But, then, last Ramadan, that was so far, the plainest Ramadan I’ve ever felt.

Yes,plain. I used to have sweet one. I had full fasting, alhamdulillah. Never missed any day to break fasting at home, except one when I went to watch Liverpool with him. Couldn’t help crying on few first days. It was so heart breaking no longer having her at the dinner table. 

Then, it turned out that this Ramadan, brought another thing that i didn’t know that i can do before. We made this Lebaran with our tradition Lebaran cookies. Chocolate chip, Kaastengel, and Strawberry Cookies. It was hard to believe that we really made it. Somehow, I thought that she might help us from up above. 

But then, nothing beats the sadness about having Takbiran and Eid prayer without her. I was crying over the night, in the morning, and along the Eid prayer. That was the time when it was so hard to believe that she’s gone. It hit me hard that things wouldn’t always be the same.

Things change and you have to go on. Whether you like, or not.

 

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Lost?

Posted on by arlanadya

What I’ve been doing?

Where am I heading to?

What are my next goals?

Lately, I just feel lost. If someone ask me How’s life?

Then I’d probably answer :Umm.. i’m..lost?

Is it true that losing your loved one(s) can literally make you feel lost?

I do feel that. I’m no longer have dreams that make me feel excited to pursue, to make it real happened. Paris, Milan, Barcelona are no longer giving me stomach-ache by remembering them, of how much I really want to be there before this.

I thought of how great it will be to be a mother. But now, I just feel anxious every time I think about it. Not that I don’t want to be one, but the thought of raising child(ren) is quite frightening,now.

Work?Just refused another good opportunity. No regret.

I feel like trapped in my own body and mind.

And I miss my mum.

Badly.Boldly.

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A’int no sunshine

Posted on by arlanadya

..when she’s gone

It’s true. My life has been just fine these days. fine.

Even after a month, these eyes are still so teary every time i remember her. any single things about her.

I miss her more on Fridays. My mind keeps flashing back to that black friday. It’s literally black, the sky, the atmosphere of the room. Everything.

Let’s go back.

I didn’t stay with her on Thursday night, that was one of two days which i didn’t stay with her. I went aerobics in Friday morning, then big bear picked me up the we went together to the hospital.

I was phoned that her doctor wanted to talk to me, which later he just wanted to say that her conditions is getting worse and it was ok to bring her home.

I kept telling big bear to hurry while he was driving. There was uncomfortable feeling inside that i couldn’t explain that made me really want to meet her soon. The doctor stood me up almost 1 hour that i really wanted to leave him.

At 11 am, i entered the room. the atmosphere was so different. It’s so quiet. Me and ts took turn. Minutes after big bear left me for Jum’at prayer. Then, there was me and her alone.

A nurse was there, checking her temperature and blood pressure. I saw her did it once, then, she did it again. It gave me a shiver, and ask how was it. She said it was 37,9 C and 90/60. I felt more more uncomfortable hearing that. She almost never had that low, the blood pressure. And I asked again, how many times it’s been checked today. She said three times.

110/70

100/60

90/60.

If i said uncomfortable before, i felt that my heart stopped beating for a while hearing that.

I used to take some nap in the sofa while took care of her, but that Friday, I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I just felt that I don’t want to leave her.

So, I kept sitting next to her bed. Reading her Yassin, repeating tahlil for times, and only break for lunch and pray. I half slept beside her, whispering to her that  big bear made it to residency, as she always wish it, rubbing her hands, watching her heavy breathing. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

at 14.30, one of her dear friends came. Ask me to allow her in, I did. She was crying a lot. I did too.

This uncomfortable feeling was getting stronger after her friend went home. Even i hesitated to leave her alone for ashar prayer. Then at 16, i whispered to her ear, I wanted to pray first, a minute.

16.20, big bear came with batala. They just attended technical meeting for our reception. some minutes later, my aunt came. and, I didn’t know why, I followed her outside while she was talking with big bear.

Suddenly, batala called me, said that the nurses doing the suction. It was actually an usual medication they gave her, but i ran quickly to the room. I stood near her feet. All day long sitting next to her, I was watching the pulse in her neck beating all the time. Then I saw it.

I saw it’s no longer beating. Then my eyes caught the oxygen measurement tool in her finger, it showed 66, which normally it was between 90-92. I shouted panickedly to the nurse, i think there was a moment where i felt i was losing my brain, i just kept shouting, and ran to her ear. The nurses just realized that and hurriedly call the doctor.

What I’ve been doing in those last minuets was whispering tahlil to her ear, and crying hard. Crying hard till i wanted to vomit. Crying and shouting as loud as i could be. My dad joined me in those last minutes.

I couldn’t control my self. I keep crying and shouting until my aunt had to hold me tightly to calm me down. I ran to the bathroom because i couldn’t resist the intention to throw up all the things I felt inside. It was real. It was real that she’s gone. Forever.

The rest was history. I didn’t bother. What matter that she was no longer here.

It’s the 8th Friday since she left. I’m still crying hard. Everywhere.

Street, car, while praying, eating, name it.

All the memories about her seem so real, as if it just happened in a blink.

I bring her in everything I do, everywhere I go. I wear her veils, shoes, watch, bags. Eventough, wearing those things, will never replace how precious kissing her hand before going out, sleeping next to her watching korean drama, talking hours to her after she went home teaching in her room, hugging her and smelling her lovely scent, spending time doing many things together, which we, I and her, had a lot. Much more than anyone in the family, travelling together, again, only us, which I had more than my brother and sister. Bogor, KL, and our greatest trip together : Hajj.

But, that’s the very best I can do to keep her close. I bring her in my body, my mind, my heart. In every pray I spell.

Quoting from Yann Martel, Life of Pi :

“To lose your mother,… well, that is like losing the sun above you”

It is. There will be no more sunshine above me, ever.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. It’s not warm when she’s away.

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They said..

Posted on by arlanadya

” Saya iri. Benar-benar iri kepada almarhumah. Saya katakan itu kepada istri saya. Beliau meninggal di hari Jum’at. Setelah pulang haji. Masya Allah..”

She went exactly two weeks after Hajj, on Friday afternoon. I think it was in the afternoon because many people wanted to see her for the last time,since yeah, almost everybody loves her.

” Almarhumah baik sekali sama saya. Saya dibeliin ceret air, karena punya saya uda bocor”

She bought that new ceret for the woman who takes care grandma’s tomb. Just few months ago. It turned out that she bought it for herself too. To water her own. She was the one who can’t take everything ‘asal-asalan’. Subhanallah..

“Ada banyak hal saya pelajari dari almarhumah. Tapi, ada dua yang paling saya ingat. Beliau adalah orang yang sangat menjaga sholat fardhu. Dia selalu bilang bahwa kemanapun dia cuma berdoa supaya dimudahkan untuk menunaikan shalat fardhunya. Yang kedua, beliau itu selalu memikirkan orang lain. Bukan cuma saudara, tapi hampir semua orang.”

For this, I can tell a lot. For shalat, yes,she did really concern about that. Look at her bags, then we will find pantyliners in every space, since she really afraid that her underwear is dirty. Until her last days, she had to make sure times, that her pee wouldn’t spread to the bed.

As she always think about others, that’s too true. Not only family, it was literally everyone. She bought habatussauda to be given to her collegues, free, she gave a sack of rice to every tukang bajaj who sent her home, and many more.

 

Dear Bu gendut..

You must be very happy up there. Didn’t you have all of your wish fulfilled?

“Ibu ngga mau nyusahin. selalu minta jangan dikasih sakit lama-lama. Kalau sudah ngga bisa sholat dengan baik, lebih baik dipanggil”.

Ngga nyusahin.Checked.

Ngga dikasih sakit lama-lama.Checked.

Sudah ngga bisa sholat dengan baik, dipanggil. Checked.

“Ibu uda siapin semua ya. Jadi, kalian ngga usah cari-cari. Sabun,batik,handuk”.

Yes, she did prepare all of that since years ago.

This house is so empty without you. And it feels less homy. much less homy.

Me, missing you, too much..

 

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Counting the days

Posted on by arlanadya

This month might become one of the most important months this year.

I am waiting for my hajj departure announcement and another next best thing, I don’t really keen on saying the term, but, I couldn’t find any suitable one, so, let say, we’re having our big family meeting and engagement by the end of this month, Insya Allah.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately. Of me getting married in the next few months, Insya Allah. I’ve asked him one day, “feel scare?afraid?”

He answered, “Nope, looking forward to it”.

Me?

I can’t clearly describe it. I’ve been religiously reading many of wedding blogs since several years ago. I enjoy many of them. Often thinking that if one day will be my turn, how it would feel. At that time, tiny part of my hear answered,

“I really can’t imagine me, getting married. I even can’t imagine to whom”

And now I’m here, and almost there, somehow I still can’t really figure out, and keep asking, ” Am I really doing this?Doing all those preparations those girls did?Experiencing what they’ve been going through as well?Me?”

I feel stupid and pity my self at the same time. Feel stupid as if I’m a teenage girl by asking those questions. You’re almost 28, my dear self. Wake up.

I do wake up, in fact, I’m living it.

Or maybe is it the fact that I’m finally,truly with him, which feels unbelievable for me?

After all these long and rocky journeys we had?

He really had strong faith, and believe that one day, in the end, no matter what we had to go through, who we were to be with first,we will end up together. He told me this few years ago.

As for me, I’m not that confidence to say that. Instead, I’ve been proposing a long question, not to him, to the time to answer

“Do all of these things happen intend to show that we’re too stubborn to accept the fact that we can’t be together or as the tests of perseverance of being together for good in the end?”

Keep repeating that question for years.

And when I’m finally heading to its final answer, well, it still feels unbelieavable.

Or maybe I’m just being too melodramatic.

Whatever it is, I hope nothing but all the next best things happened and may Allah always guide me through all the way. Amin.