Out of Sight, Losing My Mind*

*Wise man say out of sight, out of mind.

Last Thursday gave me one of the longest 30 minutes I had ever experienced when I couldn’t find this little girl after one of her classes.

Told her I would leave for a quick grocery while she was doing the class. Most of the time, I just sit and read while waiting, but there were few times when I need to do something while waiting and she’s always been informed in advance.

We live in an apartment building which connected to a mall where she has two classes and a supermarket to do grocery. To go between building, we have to pass through few doors that could only be opened by an access card, which only I have it.

Always tell her clearly what I will do while she is having her class and it will be done before her first class is finished. She has two.

That day, I was around 2-3 minutes late from the usual time the first class usually finish. Another class started in five minutes and I thought she already went there.

The heart felt like stopped beating when I didn’t find her there, but still tried to be calm.

Went back and forth looking all over the area, no result.

Started calling her dad.
Asked few people around who knew her.
None of them saw her.

Torn between panicked and the urge to follow the tiny voice inside the head that told me the only possible place she could be, but the heart refused the idea and kept questioning whether it was possible for her to do it.

Looked around once again with half crying until I finally decided to find her in another possible place.

It was only five minutes distance, yet it felt so far.

Arrived on the entrance door, where I thought she would be and she wasn’t there too.

The mind was racing with so many things. Knowing she couldn’t be anywhere else than here. Pray spelled continously. Kept doing the self blaming for being late.

Asked one security and he had no idea. Continued the search to the last most possible place she could be. The what-if-I-couldn’t-find-her thought was killing me.

Both legs suddenly turned into jelly when I saw her sitting near the pool next to another security.

Thanked the security briefly, interrogated her endlessly, then hugged her frustratedly.
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That day, when she couldn’t find me, she decided to go back home on her own.

It was unusual for two reasons : she close to never skip any classes, and she is always excited for the second one.

When we asked the reason, she said she was really tired of doing the first one.

We asked again why went home on her own she said because she couldn’t find me so she just went home.

In my imagination , I thought she must be scared and maybe half crying when she couldn’t find me, just like what happened to me.

In reality, she was nothing close to be scared nor even shed any tears. She just decided to go home which she knew where to go. She asked and told the security she didn’t bring the card, so one helped her to enter the apartment building then she just waited until I came to fetch her. She thought she had done the right thing and made a good decision.

To be fair, she really did. She did the most make sense thing. But, it’s so hard to accept this 7yo could do that on her own.

From making decision to return back home on her own. She deserved a medal for doing that.

But, in reality, I kind screwed it up and as usual, guilt is all over the place.

Few days after even until I write this, the guilt still lingers. Not the guilt because of being late nor left her, but more of the guilt for making her confused through my response that convey the message that she was doing something wrong when she thought she had done a brave one.

It was me who keeps promoting the idea of dealing with any situations on her own. Who keeps training her to face people and make decision on her own, to practice her Indonesian language in real life setting.

But, when she really did it all, on her own, instead of being appreciated, she was scolded. Instead of saying she was so brave as she expected (she said, “I was brave”), what came from my mouth was, “Please, don’t do it again. You really make me scared. You wait until I came to you”. (She actually did wait for me, just not where I expected her to be). Instead of appreciating what she had done, I made it all about me.

What a blunder.

This situation reminded me once again that even staying close to her most of the time didn’t guarantee how well I know my own daughter. It was sad knowing I didn’t trust her enough.

It reminded me to always spare rooms for unexpected situations (good or bad), and try my best to respond accordingly.

The bright side is, this kind of situation gave a great feedback for things that I have done, to evaluate what we can do better while dealing with this kind of situation which surely will happen again in the future.

Maybe not that I didn’t trust her, but more because it happened outside my control. It wasn’t something that happened under my consent.

Should remind myself more often, there will be so many these kind of things later in the future. It’s truly a reminder to trust my own daughter that she is capable of doing, choosing, and deciding things on her own and respect that.

If I fail to do so, does it mean I consider what I have been doing so far is completely wrong then?

Boy, it’s so hard.

Motherhood and its sudden pop-up quizzes that need to be done without preparation.

No matter how often, I am still amazed whenever dealing with one.