Jittery June-July Part 2

Although it was the same vibe, but it is not related to the part 1.

I wish I could record every circumstance in a writing right when it happened.

This June and July have been like a roller coaster ride where every morning felt like facing a battle with time bomb, which was quite uncertain when it would explode.

The moment of those sleepless nights, the highly anxious daytime, the confusion whether to go forward or just stay in a status quo, stayed in a relationship that kept sinking, turned a blind eye to all the mistakes that already felt too much to be tolerated.

The moment of making the effort to have that hard yet important conversations, to finally, breaking the (bad) news, bravely cut the ties, for whatever price. Deep down inside, the heart knew it was the only right thing to do and should have been done much earlier than that night.

A survival mode was on.

‘One day at a time’ had been spelled continously to reduce the loud noise inside the head and severe overthinking of so many things that could have happened.

There were on or two moments of relief in between. As if something heavy lifted from the chest, yet new things were waiting. New problems to solve and they were no easier than breaking the bad news.

The consequences of cutting the tie was fully understood, yet nothing prepared me for the actual situation. There were times spent questioning whether all the decision made was the right thing to do, because days after that felt like a complete mess.

The usual life pattern has always been like this : things will get worse and go to the worst then slowly get better.

Cutting the tie with someone who had been staying for years was hard enough. Then, days later, another one informed his resignation.

For the second one, I knew it would happen, since he already said it at the beginning of the year, but totally couldn’t imagine it would happen during the time when his presence was irreplacable and extremely critical.

‘Bad’ things never have good timing indeed.

It felt like returning to the starting line five years ago.

Running with completely new crews on the fifth year surviving this jungle totally makes the heart and mind work harder than the last four years.

I thought I already know a lot. Turned out, I felt like being pushed to take a totally different route and should figure out where it will go. Quit is an option of course. Been considering that option a lot, until this very second.

Planned to release this when things go back to its old balance, but after weeks, something new always come up and it seems there’s no way it could go back to the old days and still have no idea how much more on the menu and how long this period would last.

Guess it’s okay to push the publish button now, hoping there will be time when I look back to these periods and say,

I did it.

Or not.