Being ‘Kind’

Sometimes, some people are too focused on being kind but totally forget they have jobs to be done.

A dentist visit to pull out an extremely wobbly tooth which supposed to be done in few minutes but extended to more than an hour.

Been reading while waiting until it seemed weird why they hadn’t finished while it was only one tiny tooth. Turned out the four adults (three more coming to the scene) were too busy soothing the kid who refused to open the mouth with flowery words with no result.

I came to the chair, looked at the child and say, “It will hurt, but it would be only few seconds. So, open your mouth and take it,”.

“Just do it doc, come on. (You waste too much time already, I whispered),”.

Less than 10 seconds, all done, no tears left.

Sometimes, the word kind should be taken with pinch of salt instead of sugar.

If being kind means letting the child do whatever she wants to do, have all her wish fulfilled, no matter what it takes, allow her to decide when she wants to eat, sleep, it’s more of doing harm than being kind.

I don’t think as an adult we want to work at the place or with the boss without rules, SOP, and established systems that allow us to work well. It would be confusing, wouldn’t it?

That’s pretty much the same with parents and child. It’s the parents who should set the boundaries, rules, and know when to say no.

I’ve been known as a strict mother since a long time. During the first year, they know how strict and stern I had been when it comes to eating and sleeping time. I listened to no one. No matter how hard, no matter how bad I looked in front of them, I knew I had to do this.

Fast forward few years, people can see result between one who has regular eating and sleeping schedule and who hasn’t. Until now, while others are still dealing with the same eating problems, like going back and forth to pediatrician, nutritionist, doing some tests here and there, just because they chose to let the child do whatever she wanted to do (no rules, eating whatever, whenever, and many more), I enjoyed the result of my stubbornness during the first year.

Another scene also happened during family meeting last week. We agreed that we would only ride on the ferris wheel after lunch, but suddenly the other relatives proposed an indoor playground. It was 2.30 and the dad wanted to stopped by IKEA and also we had another appointment at 5 pm.

For me, it pleased the child but would hurt the others. We already talked and agreed before of what we would do. She knew someone would come at 5 pm to the apartment. Letting her play means we might miss it, paid Rp 200.000 to play for a while, and if you think it wasn’t another problem to make the kids stopped playing, then you might be wrong. I already kept quiet when she had the second cup of ice cream of the day, since someone bought it for her. But letting her prolong the schedule?

At that time, I had to say no in front of other people which made me look bad, even worse with those teary eyes. But, I didn’t care.

As always, the teary eyes didn’t last. It was hard to be sad while enjoying a cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream in your hand.

Saying yes indeed easier, nice and less headache. While saying no takes a lot of courage to handle the look and the judgement from other people.

But, just like I said to her at the dentist chair, I would just take it.

Two pages from my personal favorite parenting book explained it well :

It’s another form of being kind to do what’s right over what’s easy. That’s my way being kind to her for the long term.