The Pain of 2022

This year has been one full of anxiety from the beginning of the year, until the very last day of October.

At the very end of October, a life of my beloved father-in-law also came to the end. We have known that this day would come soon since few days ago when he had been staying at the hospital for a week.

Last Friday I was stayed with him alone all through the day and couldn’t help feeling so uneasy. Friday in hospital ward brought back the memories ten years ago, the day I lost my mother.

The mood, the silence, it was tense.

Last Sunday became my last meeting with him. Me and the doctor cleaned her mouth while kept looking at the monitor box all the time.

Yesterday, the feeling was getting stronger. The numbers on the monitor slowly declined. All his boys gathered together.

I planned to go to the hospital knowing my mother in law was alone. Canceled the plan knowing the three brothers were heading there. Instead, I wrote a written plan about what to do just in case the time came.

Spent the whole last leg of afternoon writing and editing the plan.

After Isya, at the hospital, he did his last prayed lead by his second son, accompanied by his wife.

We were already in bed around 9 pm when the GP called that his condition was near to the end. He left the world peacefully on the arms of his wife.

My written plan finally shared to the whole family.

We packed our bags and went to the hospital. The two brothers got their chance to bath him for the last time before we brought him home. I accompanied my mother in law in the ambulance while the doctor drove the little girl to my aunt who luckily live nearby my MIL’s house.

My father in law was the quiet type. I might not have too many strong memories with him. Yet, I woke up at 3 am and write this, because he is important enough for me to remember the details of what happened on the day he left.

Ten years from the painful 2012, the pain of losing a parent returned.

The grief degree might not on the same level with one felt in 2012, but the passing of my father in law left as well important reminder like 2012 gave.

I’ve known him since 2002. Through stories. Through the narratives from one of his son.

Ten years from 2002, I had the chance to know him in person, through the law.

I found that we hardly know someone, no matter how long you‘ve ‘known’ him. There were many times when I found the story I heard for the past ten years didn’t match the reality I experienced myself.

But one thing that I’ve been witnessing for the 20 years of knowing him, same relationship with the same person could never stay the same all the time. It will grow to whatever side you give the most effort.

I am beyond happy to see how the narrative heard from the doctor 20 years ago was completely different to what I’ve been experiencing and have witnessed since 10 years ago until yesterday.

I found the truth from the saying, “if you don’t resent your parent enough, then they don’t raise you well enough”.

As an adult who has the freedom to choose and decide, It’s completely on your hand whether to turn the resentment into new contentment or endless disappointment.

The post has been on type-delete-type-delete mode for many times.

It’s much harder finding the right angle to write since there are lots of them whenever death is the topic, than choosing the best picture to use, since not many available and could properly describe the feeling.

Early dawn, 3.40 am, at the bedroom of my aunt.