A Ten Year Marker

I entered this year with much heavier heart than two previous years. This year becomes a ten year marker from the incredible 2012.

Looking back to many things that happened ten years ago, I am still trembling remembering how I went through month by month of 2012.

I entered that year with high level of confidence and excitement until I thought at certain point, I forgot to realize human could only plan, but, we had no slightest control for the end result. We had the right to fight and make our dreams come true, but not how the way it came true.

Every single dreams granted, according to Him. Not according to what I imagined. In 2012, I felt like being dragged to the lowest point to show me who got the highest control of my life.

Three grand things granted yet three VIPSs taken. Losing three closest family members from mother’s side, accomplished two 20s big dreams and a life changing milestone, all within a year.

Apart from the big news, there were countless little (heart-breaking) moments in between.

The first residency exam failure, a longer distance relationship while preparing the wedding within months. From KL-Jkt, to JKT-Borneo, Mecca-JKT until the very last minutes. I even thought whether we really could make it until the big day with so many episodes dealing with dramas here and there. It felt surreal having bendera kuning (yellow flag as a sign of death) just two weeks before putting the janur kuning (yellow plant as a sign of a wedding) at my dad’s home.

Usually, what makes me survive hardships is the thought “when things already on its worst shape, then it will only get better.

But, it didn’t applicable in that year. It was like moving from one bad circumstance to another. There was break in between, but until the very end of the year, the heart had been so overwhelmed and overworked dealing with grieves, dissapointment, fear, and high level of anxiety.

It felt surreal to experience all the emotions a human could feel in a whole year.

I was and am still more than amazed I could pass such year alive.

Maybe what helped to stay sane at that time was I wrote everything. Certain pain from 2012 lasts till today. No cure for such pain yet, it doesn’t prevent me to keep moving on. Those writings feel like a pain reliever while going on with life. Ten years later, reading all those writings became huge consolations for me.

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Been through a lot for the past ten years. From the best thing beyond the wildest imagination to the worst thing beyond expectation.

Good to great things that I though could never be mine found their way to greet me in the strangest possible ways. Unbelievably amazing.

Bad to the worst ones that I thought could only exist in fictional stories, also made their way to reach me through the most unexpected way. There were periods when I kept asking what I did to deserve this, but I could hear the answer right away, “Why shouldn’t you?”

These past ten years have been the roller coaster ride for someone who expects life would be as flat as potato chip. Or maybe cassava one.

Going through a lot of things surely contributes to slightly higher level of wisdom, but, the level is only as high as knowing that no matter how bad things seem to be, it won’t make stop the world from spinning.

Your world might be shattered, but life will keep going as if nothing happens. Life doesn’t care about your opinion.

It feels easy when we see it easy, yet it is messy when we want it to be messy. Our choice.

These past ten years make me fully realize you’re mostly on your own. Whatever happens to you, you have to deal with them on your own. Nothing and no one could help without yourself doing, fixing, and figuring out yourself how to deal with everything.

Again, it’s actually good news knowing it depends on no one but ourselves as well as bad news that we’re the one who should do the dirty works.

Staying sane in adulthood is a tough job indeed.

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This year might not as ‘tough’ as it was ten years ago. But, the anxiety felt was pretty much the same, only in another department. Started the year with the biggest turmoil in the small business so far. Days felt like weeks. Woke up each day with heavy breathing, went through it by waiting for the progress, no matter how small. It went well at the end, with certain price.

Following months were not better. Another anxiety followed about how to keep to cut someone from the bussiness. It had dragged too much already because I was too lazy and afraid thinking what I would do without the longest person stayed that knew everything about running the store. Thing kept getting worse and on a Tuesday night, I pull the trigger and did the shot.

What a relief.

Done? Ho ho ho.

Then, months of headaches continued. Started rearranging everything with the old and newcomers. As first it was fine. Until the last old one who already stayed also handed in his resignation request a month after.

I had no tears left.

Five years from starting the small business, it was as if we started from zero once again. With all new members who were only no less than three months.

Show must go on.

Again, days felt like years this time. I kept waking up thinking “let’s get through this” day by day. Mistakes happened not twice a year, but twice a week. I was fully responsible here.

I am not one who stays all through the day, seven days a week. The answer because of what written here. Couldn’t do two full time jobs at once.

Before pandemic, I have done remote working and it works so far, not extremely well, but it works. I even ran it from 11.000 km away. My instructions were to the tiniest details.

Having all new members at once gave me daily headaches. For three months, I was dealing with nonstop complaints until I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

But, good thing is, I rarely quit when things get hard. It gives me more reason to keep going until it feels easy.

Slowly, things got better. Suddenly, the peaceful days return with minor and not much harm mistakes along the way. Alhamdulillah.

That when personal life took its turn with my dad in law sudden decline and passing. I might be just a daughter in law, but it took me sometime until I feel it’s real that he’s no longer with us.

Of course, it’s not all low this year.

Celebrating eight years working as a mother, ten years surviving life together, Moving to a new place, The trips done, the papers signed, ticked off two biggest family plans after massive savings for the past two years thanks to pandemic which makes traveling less tempting.

For all those things granted, Alhamdulillah spelled countlessly.

I have been thinking passing 2012 safely was an achievement to be proud of, guess I would say all the same for 2022.

Bismillah for the next 365 days ahead.