This Ramadan

This Ramadan unusually brings uneasy feeling.

Nothing about the fasting, it’s just the feeling.

It’s nothing big, just the uneasy feeling here and there, now and then, all through this month. Or maybe it started way before that.

It feels like nothing is going well. Little things that missed the point, curable but still doesn’t feel right. There’s always been something off for the past few 20 days of this Ramadan that cause continuous anxiety. Everything seems fine but nothing really works right.

The missing shoelaces. Bought new ones, problems with delivery. Took out the long kept tea pot from the cupboard, broke it right away while it hit the sink tap. Missed a crucial point of an important appointment and that makes the anxiety stays for days (until now). A blocked bank card due to forgotten PIN.

Being in this situation once again reminds me how little control we have for everything in life. No matter how meticulous the preparation and the plan, things still could turn out to be not as we expected.

Looking back all the pattern that has been going in my life, it usually relates to things that I plan doing for others but end up forgotten or changed mind due to insignificant reasons. Usually, if I have that intention then just cancel it for any reasons, life will take it exactly the same amount what I plan to give without my permission, in any ways possible.

In spite of the pain, I love that my warning always comes quick and brief. What becomes longer is my dialogue on the praying mat at the end of night. I keep auditing myself for everything. The only consolation that I could seek from. Especially when the last 10 days of Ramadan are here.

I have been wanting to write this for days. I am glad I finally did.

I want to say hoping everything would get better, but instead, I think I would ask for the strength to face whatever things coming. Amin.

(Insert heavy breathing).

21 Ramadan 1444H.