You Can’t Hurry Love (and Life)

*you sing you lose*

The first post of the year about something that has been lingering on my mind based on few circumstances experienced lately.

One

I’ve been volunteering in an English bootcamp and dealing with a lot of 20s something since 2022 and I find one thing common about them : relationships seem to be something that they want but reluctantly pursue.

Why? Because it’s hard.

“It’s complicated”. ( In Indonesian, they called it ‘ribet’ and I think it’s described what they feel better than complicated).

That was most common response I heard.

This is aligned with a rant from someone who threw a question on the internet that generated hundreds of responses:

“Why current 20s don’t date and prefer spend their time playing game?”

Again, complicated mentioned several times.

Two

A conversation with a longtime best friend who visited the city a month ago (she lives in DC) and a poll on the internet both expressed a similar thing.

The most common place where people nowadays find the one is : Internet.

Three

A podcast heard during exercise. The guest was a CEO of a matchmaking company. It was really interesting until I put my dumbbell and just listened to it.

She explained that the demography of their client had changed drastically before and after pandemic. Before pandemic, most clients are around age 32-40. But, after pandemic, she started dealing with younger clients around 24-28.

While both age groups of clients have similar intention about their purpose of joining the matchmaking, they have different way to navigate the process.

The first meeting from the older group is more about knowing each other. They talk about everything and looking at possibilities if the first meeting can turn into a second one and so on.

While the younger one, they came to the very first meeting with an exact expectation and goal : marriage. So, the question they asked was so specific to consider whether their opponent is eligible and feasible for a marriage they want. The CEO said a salary question had always been thrown at the first meeting by this age group, especially from women.

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Well, firstly, finding someone with whom you want to spend your life with is indeed a complicated task.

Many might disagree, but I still think finding someone to work together to go through ups and downs in life is an important quest to pursue during someone’s 20s. You don’t have to get married in your 20s, but at least, take this matter seriously during that period.

After several years of marriage, I came to the conclusion that it’s a huge responsibility to bear alone. It’s totally okay to ask help for this one, but, ONLY AFTER, one knows at least what kind of partner (s)he’s looking for. You could ask help to find a good match, but do your homework first.

I think one of the things what makes those 20s said relationship is complicated because they don’t know what they’re looking for. They might just use common, fairy tale standard when they’re looking for some qualities in someone.

I don’t say the problem is solved once you know what you want (or you don’t want), but at least, you have a guiding principle for your quest. İnternet makes it worse. The standard becomes blurry when we keep looking at the others’ life too much. Their standard could become ours if we don’t really know what we’re looking for.

From Shane Parrish’s Clear Thinking :

“If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you’re unlikely to find it, just as you’re unlikely to hit the target if you don’t know what you’re aiming at. When you don’t know what’s important, you miss things that are relevant and spend a lot of time on things that are irrelevant”.

That’s why I wrote previously being an adult really needs adequate amount of emotional intelligence. Knowing your self is one of them. knowing what makes you tick is crucial.

Second, since it’s complicated, personally, it’s quite impossible to do it quickly. Internet makes everything easier and faster. It’s a good starter, but not good enough to judge a character.

During my 20s, most people around my age (myself and all my siblings included) that I know married to someone they know at school, university, workplace, courses, or any kind of places where both could meet regularly for certain period of time. It doesn’t have to be in a relationship, but knowing someone takes time and patience.

It takes time to see how a person deals with different circumstances. It takes time recognizing the pattern of one’s behavior. I always believe words and action could be deceiving, but, pattern exists and it doesn’t lie. It’s hard for someone to act out of their usual pattern. So, look for the pattern.

It also takes time (again, and patience) to build rapport with someone. We might be not impressed by the first sight/meeting/conversation, but, unless it’s a major issue, as long as the person suits your compulsory and at least the bare minimum checklist you want for a partner, I think it’s fine to give more try to the new friendship. No string attached.

Patience is surely an issue for these youngsters. Asking about one’s salary on the first meeting is definitely not patient. I wish more of them realize that it’s important to marry someone with good characters, not just their numbers.

In internet, we can be everything. One could fabricate anything to look shiny and promising and it could blind us. For me regarding things I see on the internet, if it looks too good to be true, then it’s too good to be true.

Another thing that I also noticed in these 20 something, they really love staying in, watching drama or whatever. Meanwhile, a potential suitable partner is just a like a well-paid job. You have to put yourself out there to find it. Let’s assume that we’re not a princess in a castle who will someday be saved by a knight in a white horse and shining armor then live happily ever after.

Totally understand that day jobs and other work are already hard and tiring enough. Rest is necessary, but it doesn’t have to be the compulsory.

I am talking from an introvert point of view who loves being alone and home more than anything. But, during my 20s, I clearly knew staying home and alone (and no money) wasn’t something that I wanted on the next decades. So, I worked three jobs to pay the bills and fuel my dreams, took a regular course after work to meet more people with the same interests, I said yes to some meetings with some people I was comfortable with, mostly old friend from high school and university.

We surely never exactly know who we will end up with, but, as we prepare ourselves, it’s important to keep our eyes and options open, which something that we couldn’t do if we just stay home.

Rest is good and important but, the 20s energy was too precious to be wasted on rest. You might have more money in your 30s, but not the same body and energy like you have in your 20s. For me personally, it’s the period where one should push more pedals with occasional brake.

Tired? There’s always price to pay. If it’s important, then why don’t we pay for it?

Of course, the 20s is not the only period where you can do all these things, but as we move decade, many other things are shifting too. We might have stayed in the same pool, but, we couldn’t stop life from happening. Change happens without our permission and before we know, we might be left with fewer options. The options available in your 20s is totally different with ones in your 30s or 40s.

“There’s always the next bus” is applicable here. Just like the bus service, as the night approaches, fewer bus is available. At certain point, there will be no more bus. The difference is the bus service will resume on the next morning while the years lost won’t.

This writing is more like an unsolicited advice to my daughter. I am thinking a lot of her (and actually my mother who kept reminding me about almost everything in this writing, which I couldn’t comprehend fully during my 20s) when I am dealing with these 20 something.

The current situation is definitely different than it was during my period. This generation and my daughter’s are definitely having things easy in their daily life, like everything is on their fingertips. But, it also comes with price regarding some fundamental issues they have to deal with as an adult. Like building a relationship which is impossible to be solved as quickly as ordering food through delivery service app when you’re hungry.

In the end, I just can help preparing her and pray. Hope a meaningful relationship with someone who has good characters is one of things that will be given in her card as she navigates her adulthood.

Amin.