Failure(s)

If many choose to launch their new goals for the new year, I want to write more about my recent failures.

This long holiday season I felt like failing to give better experience for the little girl. Usually, I came up with a lot of ideas, I took her outside to new places, visiting parks and museums, new ice cream spots etc, but, not this holiday.

Besides trip to Dieng and a week of sports holiday camp, she spent most of her holiday at home, sometimes alone, doing her routines, getting longer sleep, some chores, a bit of writing in English and Bahasa Indonesia, a bit of math, and, well, more screen time than usual.

I want to defend myself by giving some excuses, saying that I have had a lot of things to deal with since last December until now, and it has been emotionally and mentally draining. I need to be outside a lot without her, and when I am too tired, I barely have any energy inside.

It doesn’t stop there.

I let her snacking more than usual too. School days might be a lot of work, but, it makes me stay vigilant. It makes me prepare more and better. But, this holiday, I tend to opt for shortcut. I take a lot of easy way.

In short, I’ve been doing a lot of autopilot parenting for this holiday and I am so sorry for this.

But, what I have observed, she seems happy because I have been less nosy and fussy (of course), she does things I ask her to do when I am away, and I don’t bother to correct any of it.

So I also wonder, is a bit of autopilot mode is necessary?

But still, I am not happy with what I do. I’d rather be fussy and nosy doing the right thing than being smiley doing the easy thing.

This is actually an important period where I couldn’t be slacking and loosening too much. School is back on Monday hopefully I get back on the track too.

There were times when I wish there would be someone to take over the parenting job temporarily when I have to deal with other stuff that requires a lot of my energy.

This is the real struggle of raising a child.

The subsequent failure I am still failing to control myself better whenever something does not go according to the plan. It’s tough to stay calm and composed when life throws some lemon. I want everything to be done and solved quickly and feel so frustrated if the solution makes me wait because it depends on other people.

Can I have better self-regulation, to be more clear-headed and light-hearted, please?

How? Still keep searching about this.

I still have a few other failures to confess, like failing to write more consistently and spare specific time every day no matter how short to just sit and write as I promise myself, but those two above are the ones that make me feel bad the most.

Well, by pushing the publish button for this post, this is me actually, trying to make up for what I failed to accomplish previously in a small part of my life.