Functional Marriage

If I could describe what makes me survive these past 13 years, maybe one of the answers is because we have a functional marriage.

This post has been sitting on the draft since last year (I even forgot what year). I only managed to finish that first paragraph above. Nothing came out after that until today (I also didn’t remember today referred to when).

It took a tweet that triggered me to finish it. Not yet published, but just finish it is good enough.

The job division in this household is quite clear from the very beginning. We only have the three of us at home. So, everyone is responsible for certain things at home other than their personal responsibilities without other people involvement in our daily life.

We started literally from zero as I once wrote here.

I was the breadwinner during the first and half years and slowly the doctor took over. Studying full time as residents in the morning while working part time in few hospitals in the evening. Sacrificing less time for more money. That was why we postponed to have a kid during the first years of marriage.

When the little girl came, I took many steps backward towards working although it means less income. But, the baby doesn’t need two parents who give her money. She needs one to earn the money while the other one to give her their time and energy. So, it’s clear who did which.

Up until the tenth year, the job division is still as clear. Not only for the major thing, but also down to the smallest thing. When the doctor cooks, he needs no help in preparing anything. In return, he doesn’t have to think about anything other than producing meal for us, not the cleaning, not even returning bottles of spices used to its rack. It would be my responsibility, and there’s not much argument about that.

It goes the same with money. One will focus on bring in the money while the other will be focused on managing and allocating the resources to the smallest detail.

This marriage has been like an organization which functioned well because the members contributes different skills needed to run it well. One possesses good hard skill while the other one has the soft skills.

Without money, there would be no single dream checked for the past ten years. Yet, money alone without proper management wouldn’t take us anywhere no matter how much the number has been growing since our first year.

When one has to deal with many things outside, the other one takes care everything inside.

The kitchen analogy describes this well. You need different kind of knives when you’re cooking. You can’t cut the meat with the same knife you use to cut the fruit. You can’t cook the soup with same pan you use to grill the steak. This is basically and exactly what a functional marriage looks like.

It might be not an ideal type of household like other typical Indonesian families where additional helps are available to cover some works. But, so far, this works best for us. It’s not easy but it’s totally doable and I am beyond grateful with what I have.

Personally, surviving life together with someone is not easy. I used a meticulous and detailed process to select candidates for someone who had never dated another person.

Pardon my humble brag, but I had plenty of offers during my 20s.

I can’t imagine navigating adulthood alone. Many things that I want in life can not be done alone, and many things are indeed easier with some companies. Single life might be more simple, but together, you’ll be going much further than you can imagine.

As I grow older, I learn to accept many things through continuous broken-hearted sessions. I learned that you can’t have everything, but you can choose what you can tolerate.

I am strong-minded; not much can break me as long as I know the ultimate purpose of accomplishing something. That includes being married.

I sincerely accepted things that happened, the good and the bad, the best and the worst. I wholeheartedly owned all the highs and the lows. This last line is another joy of growing old, I guess. You can just accept anything without so many excuses, because you know, life goes on.

(The third updated draft after another major issue happened).

Finally pushing publish button after this thread.