This one too has been sitting on the draft for weeks.
Been volunteering since 2022, dealing with 20-30s something problems like work, life and love. What I want to pour here is more about the last one.
I once said looking for a life partner is exactly like looking for a job. You have to be actively searching for it. The process is quite similar for both and there are two processes: filtering and selecting.
I found a good discussion in one of forum that said in choosing potential life partner, people, especially women often confuse between filtering and selecting.
Filtering is the surface : look, income, etc.
Selecting is the core : values, character, emotional regulation.
Stuff from filtering can change over time.
While ones from selecting rarely does.
Many are choosing based on the filter criteria instead of selecting criteria. They’re screwing up the process.
Now, I want to see this from (my) religion perspective.
After so many observations, when it comes to choose someone to settle with, there’s a different order of criteria to be consider for man and woman.
Once again, different order.
For woman to find a man, judge the character first, religion next. Not the other way around.
Setting the bare minimum requirement still needed, it’s filtering the essential. But, it’s unnecessary to go too narrow.
Go deeper instead in selecting criteria. Seek values, observe characters, upbringings, emotional intelligence. One that is worth examining too is spirituality comparability. It’s rare and often overlooked, but, it can become a potential problem later.
Observe the consistency of the good and bad character. Ask yourself can you survive with the bad characters and can you catch up with his good characters?
More religious man with bad characters will make life harder than less religious one with good character. In reality, there are lot of men who prays consistently, memorize Quran heavily, doing religious activities actively outside, but, in the other side, their behavior inside doesn’t reflect all the knowledge, the purpose of salat and application of the Quran.
In Islamic education, adab comes first before knowledge. Building the characters first is more important than stuffing and pushing the knowledge to the child.
Everything seen before marriage will be what’s available during the marriage with very little probability to change.
Change is hard. Nobody could act outside their pattern. Nobody could change someone and will change for someone. Hidayah is priceless.
Choosing a CEO of household should be done more with the brain. He should have the skill and mindset to grow, protect, and provide; safety and security for the employees.
Clear thinking skill is needed for choosing such level of position. Believe what you see more than what you feel.
While for a man, when it comes to find a woman, go according to hadits.
“Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to one with religion”.
For women, she will be the one who sets the tone and level of how peaceful a home will be. True and utmost peace only comes from one resource, as explained in 13:28. To attain peace, it takes a strong connection to the One who bestows peace.
“those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace”.
You don’t see peace. You feel it.
A woman is also the first madrasah for the children. Teaching, mothering, nurturing is always a heart job first then brain. To do it well, it takes heart that contains peace.
Regarding change, women are more likely to make it than men. Women are more emotional creatures. An environment that gives her safety, physical and emotional security will calm her nervous system. Those can lead to the change of their behavior so they can think clearly about caring for what’s inside.
In the end, again from my own experience, two people will find each other at their level and to survive the relationship, they need to be on the similar frequency, continously. That’s the real hard work of marriage.
Well, that’s that.
Early AM always makes a lot of random thought.
A Penny for My Pensieve 