Giver, Taker, Matcher

Few circumstances since last year gave me some lessons in real life regarding to human relationships.

But, only few recent events reminded me of an Adam Grant’s book : Give and Take. He explained the idea in an organizational setting, but actually it can be applicable in any settings of human relationship.

When it comes to relationship with human, more giving doesn’t mean more receiving.
Often, the more you give, the less you receive.

Giving depends a lot on the capacity and energy. Giving tells a lot more about the capacity of the giver rather than the taker. When we give something to human and don’t receive the equal amount of what we give, it’s simply because their capacity is not on the level of ours.

Giver operates on a different level than the other two. Their mindset is always about what they can do for others within their power, even many times beyond their power.

The funny thing based on research mentioned in the book : compared to taker and matcher, in any industry tested, giver is a group who earn the least. The last position belongs to giver. Above the giver are taker and matcher, but, here’s the best part, who earned the most and for a long period of time?

It’s giver too.

In the book, what separates the lower rank giver and upper one was self-interest. Selfless givers only think about others and neglect themselves, while otherish givers, along with think about others, they also have a strong sense of self-interest.

Based on this, it’s important to be giver who konws their own limit because taker doesn’t have any. Taker is the worst type of all.

I slowly learn when you deal with taker, you should have a slight degree of matcher mentality. Because no matter what, you can’t give and pour from an empty cup.

The best thing for a giver is dealing with another giver. It reminds me of few relationship I have growing up. I just realized I am mostly matcher in many surface level of relationships, but very much giver in a close knitted group. I think I remember writing this too.

But, even in a close-knitted group, being a giver should be always done with a pinch of salt. Humans have expectations and when it is not met, then something feels uncomfortable and unpleasant. But, we can’t control others. So, it’s ours to learn how to deal with it.

First, understand that what we do and how we deal with others, it reflects more of our capacity, capabilities and characters. Not theirs. This makes sense why being a giver is hard. Giving needs building something inside. It needs thinking.

Second, in spite of being a giver, it’s important to have a certain degree matcher mentality while dealing with takers, who always tend to make everything about themselves. Being a giver with boundaries is personally important.

Human relationship and its complexity always perplexes me.