Stagnant and Boring

Words have always been leaving bigger impact to me than any other gestures.

One of the most memorable and monumental events was back as far as when I was in kindergarten. I used a word ‘muka’ instead of ‘wajah’ to one of my teachers and it gave me a certain mark in the report card. How could I even remember this? This was the story my mom told me. I have a specific compartment on my brain to keep the memories of my mother.

I never take any tests on five love language, but pretty sure words of affirmation is on the number one list. That’s why I love reading, I love listening, I like writing, only talking that I don’t fond of. Being judged from a missuse word since early, that was significant. If something really makes me talking, then it must be huge. I also have certain compartment to remember few of big talkings I have done.

I have been feeling under the weather for few months and been digging where it starts. Some perimenopause symptoms could fit. But, if I traced back, some personal events regarding interpersonal relationships were strong triggers too. Those who make me feel safe could turn me into a unrecognizable extrovert. But, those who don’t, could really make me lose appetite for saying a simple word. Like having brain freeze. It’s a hard work to stand people whose masks are layered. Even harder when those are ones I couldn’t escape.

I always one with plan and an executor once I found the right thing to do. But, my pace in life has always been a tortoise, never a hare. I build and progress slowly. It took me 18 years to bloom with 13 years of hard training. It took me several years to finally say yes to a marriage. It took me tiny steps for years to finally executed a huge step in my bussiness, and many more. I only jumped quickly when it comes to something which consequences will be bigger if it’s postponed, like paying a debt. For outsiders, it indeed looked stagnant and boring.

But, when I looked inside, I realized people use their own metrics to measure others. Most people use tangible data to measure life : number, medals, etc. To be fair, I used this too for judging myself in the past since I am accustomed to be judged by my society for these.

I could only slowly let go little by little when life started at 28. When I had all the worldly accomplishments I wanted to achieve, yet, I lost things that no amount of effort could bring back.

As I grow older, I slowly understand many things I have been doing in life couldn’t be measured by those tangibles. Courage, discipline, integrity, persistence, and endurance. I won’t display anthing here, but, looking at the lists things done this year, they are the proof of the values I live by. That is priceless.

This year also showed me many examples in personal, national, and global level that life is never about one who looks good outside and on the paper. Honesty, stability security (in our own skin), peace and tranquillity until the end are values that suit me most and it’s all an inside work.

If there’s one thing that I realized its absence is maybe the gratitude.

Gratitude, when it is taken, nothing feels right and that is one of the biggest losses that could happen to anyone. Lack of gratitude could dismiss any accomplishments despite all the hard work put to achieve it. I might be only seeing things are absent and overlooked the many of present ones.

My feelings are all valid. These all are real, hard, and uncomfortable. But, whose life then are without some burdens? For a lot of things that Allah keeps me having despite the current situation, inside and outside, I am giving myself a proper room for compassion and bigger room for gratitude.

Adulthood is complicated and it needs some skills to stay afloat during the turbulence. The coping skills that one should have to deal with many ugly faces life throws needs rigorous training. It’s training for the soul that takes time to build.

Accept the situation and focus with what I can do with what I have. Letting all the uncomfortable feeling and the positive ones going hand in hand for a while. Let them sit together without allowing one side taking over another. I regularly taking out clutter out of my home, that is also the same thing I do for my soul. Like pruning unnecessary feeling, recognizing which are just noise and which are the actual thing that I should address.

One thing that I have been asking myself since few years back whenever things are tough: What Allah actually wants me to learn this time?

I slowly shift my mind by looking at many things that Allah still allows me to have despite my current circumstances. I remembered one of the saying from Umar Bin Khatab that said he never worried about whether Allah would fulfill his prayers or not,one thing that he worried the most was whether Allah would still allow him to make the prayer or not.

That is exactly what I need reminded myself of.

Such a delightful end of year lesson.

PS : knowing how much words mean to me, having a file with collection of kind words received through the years is a great idea. It really comes in handy during such period.