Author: arlanadya

We went to different college and different cities, although it was only between Jakarta and Bogor.
We went through a-quite-tough relationship during our college years. There were ons-offs till I lost count. But, one thing for sure, it had always been there.

1st semester
I remembered facing some of ‘them’ during my first semester. But,the most noticeable was my senior. He was my lecturer assistant for Basic Economics. It was not until the last day of the class when I knew he had been paying me some attention.

I was not the class coordinator for the subject but I remembered that he suddenly texted me for the first time asking something for the final test. I just answered it casually even tough I felt it was a bit fishy since I never gave my phone number. It was confirmed that he had something when his third texts on that day had some standardized-attentive words on it then I knew that was a new problem came.

Why problem? I was not good at all on dealing with other’s feeling, remember?

This senior had been very kind even afer the class was done. Insisted on lending me his books for the second semester which I tried to refuse it hard till I finally accepted it since I did not see any other way to stop him. He even found out my home phone number, that my father once went to the same school 29 years before, and some of the things that I had no idea how he could find those. He called quite often on Saturday evening,maybe just checked whether I had a date or not:))

He popped up the question on new years’ eve 2005. So, it had been 1,5 years until he said the words. It was exactly at midnight. But, then, you know my answer right? I had no intention starting any new relationship at all. Not just because of the promise, but I wouldn’t accept anyone if I was not sure that I could return the feeling. They said it might changed as time went by. For me, I believed it would not. I rarely and almost never change my first answer.

The rejection didn’t stop him at all. It did, for some time. It changed his attitude toward me also. I just took it as a risk. But, yet, he came back. He visited me during my KKN, toped-up my phone credit,etc. After he graduated and worked in Jakarta, he texted me and even once made me had dinner with him, and my friends. Yes, it was a hilarious night that six of us dined together at Saras:))

He had been here for let say 6 years at least. Sadly, It could not move me at all. I wish he had his best things in life as I write this. Amin.

Him
Me and him on the 1st semester were pretty good. Good as we talked over the phone and sms quite often. Sometimes it felt like we were still really together, eventough I didn’t know what he had been doing with other girls during those times;))
At that time also, the idea of being married to me was proposed, or let say mentioned.

I remembered that night. As we talked over texts on the second day of Idul Fitri. Oh, Idul Fitri had always been something about him. Some feeling that only can be felt during that time.
We talked casually and then it stopped for about an hour. He did not reply the text. So I thought that was it for the night.

But, suddenly a text came. Not a usual text but more like a simple poem. It silenced me for a moment after reading it. It was just a-two-sentences poem yet it said a lot.
It was so me for being tactless on replying that kind of text. I often decided to reply with some unfunny jokes since I didn’t know what to say. But, at that time, before I replied, he sent another text explaining that was a poem that he intended to put down on his wedding invitation card some day. He had promised it with his former girl friend, either they would be together or end up with someone else, they would print that poem on their wedding invitation. But, it actually should not be revealed until the time came.
If that so, I asked him why he sent it to me then. He answered that the promise had to be broken because of me and he just missed me so much. I was jokingly said that he should send me one, the wedding invitation.

” The wedding won’t be held if you don’t come. Can I married without the bridegroom?”

There he said it.

It even stunned me more. Wedding,he said?

The rest of the conversations were quite long to be explained. He told me that he didn’t want to lose me until five years later when I had done with my promise. A text that was one of my favorite texts from him :

” Except you find somebody else not me. I try to change. I want to be a better person for you. When I think I make it, I’ll ask you back. Just think how to refuse me”.

Hey little girl, I don’t know how later you see your father, but he was that good at words till many times it felt too overwhelming for the plain me.

But,still, even after that I had not changed my mind. I could not be with anyone till I make it to bachelor degree. He understood that fully.

It was true some saying that said words are actually a prayer. 9 years later from that night, the poem was here :

It was written on the back of our wedding invitation.

I made the promise for me having quieter life after being in a relationship which I considered didn’t suit me at all.

The time before the doctor, I had good excuse to refuse all the offer since I truly had someone who I really liked for years. I expected no one other than that person.But,as my feeling started fading off it became quite hard using it as an excuse.

I’ve never been one who has so many guys after or popular. I was just an average and just nice looking enough during junior high and senior high school. I had some offer during those years but I never took any of it seriously until the doctor came.

Then I didn’t know what happened suddenly soon as I entered college I became quite popular,at least among students of my major. During new students three-days orientation I had few guys approaching me including the senior who protected me from those guys in my group who tried to approach. It took me some time to realize,men only really care to the girl that they like. So,you can’t call it protecting actually since he did that for his own sake:|

I didn’t know how to put the stories during these 4 years. Maybe I will do it according to the semesters. It was pretty funny that I had at least one person came each semester. But it wasn’t the funniest part.

The fact that they didn’t leave for several years,even after being rejected, well, several times, that was amusing and yet confusing me so much.

After the doctor, I didn’t really understand how all those guys could be waiting like he did.

They really did.

Good? Not at all.

Some people who know me well enough must have known that I do complaining,quite a lot. I don’t like being uncomfortable,but who does?

But, I am pretty selective to whom I talk my complaints. Mostly, it is le husband or else the diary or this virtual friend. I rarely complaint to my friends.

I feel tired easily recently,might be due to the pregnancy. Oh,please don’t misunderstand this. I am beyond happy about this little one. The problem is that sometimes i feel these people in my surrounding really seem less care that I can’t be as tired as before. 

I thank God that I am still being able to go work quite comfortably,but the houseworks tire me often. I really tried my best to keep up but still as it is getting bigger,it is getting harder too. It is getting more difficult to meet others’ expectation and being okay at the same time.

For.example,about the meals. I really put much effort to arrange the daily menu. Not only once,but thrice a day. I consider when le husband is home, what food my father seem like having for dinner, what to serve when I am teaching till evening, who will eat the leftover (mostly I do) and when to eat it,and so on.

I become very annoyed when I had prepared the meals then suddenly there is one who said that they ate out or already had the dinner. I don’t mind they are eating out at all but I really insist that at least they let me know, so I can prepare as many as people who eat. It saves my energy a lot.

If others just can sleep and rest after they are home, I can’t. Right after I arrived home, I have to take care and prepare for dinner and everything. No matter how tired. Then after the dinner, clean up all the leftover and other tiny little things that need to be done. I don’t have any other option beside doing that. Then after that, I just have to cope up with this ‘sesek’ tummy everytime I feel so tired. 

This is the last day of Ramadhan. In the previous years, it had been always exciting because everybody was home,cleaning up the house, it felt so good. This Ramadhan only me and dad are here. I have been cleaning since yesterday and I don’t feel excited at all. I only feel tired. Mbak wi will be absent for three days as usual and it should be ok,but this year I am alone. I don’t mind washing the dishes or else for few days, but it usually we divide the job but it seems that I have to do this alone this time.

My mother’s death brought so many changes in this family. In my life,particularly..

Yesterday, a shock news came as I red twitter. A Malaysian Airlines plane had been shot in Ukraine. It just another sad news from MH after the missing plane last March. One missing and this one was shot down. All the passengers were gone.

The missing plane was literally missing. It just dissapeared into nothing even until now no country has been able to trace it. Then, it just few months they had another disaster. The plane was shot by Ukranian missile and it fell off to the ground into pieces.

I have been reading all news related to that and feel so grieve. Been flying several times with MH while I was studying abroad and I liked it. It had been my first choice if the price reasonable. I preferred MH than any other airlines.

So those sad news were quite made me gloomy since I feel close to it. Hundred lives were just gone in few seconds like it was nothing. Other even just dissapeared without no one knows what really happened back then.
It reminds that our life is never been ours. We can turn from something into nothing in a blink.

As this little one is in my womb, I even worry more. Like a lot. About many things. My fear that I couldn’t be as good as my mom, that I might lack in many things, or I don’t have enough time to be with him/her and its siblings until they are ready to stand on their own.

The sad news plus the thought above,currently devastate me so much.

Ramadhan is here once again. It’s been a week. Although many things have changed,but Ramadhan as I remember.has always been heart-warming.

The title above sounds too serious,doesn’t it? It suddenly came up this morning after sahur and feel the urge to write it. Since the writing mood comes so rarely, I won’t waste it.

My life has changed a lot since the end of 2012. And since then, it feels like stuck in one point. Before that time, work had been quite exciting because I had always had something to aim for. Work (and money) was a tool for some purposes and it was enjoyable. The feeling to have your plan executed was awesome.

Lately, I just kind of living a life. Haven’t been anywhere for almost 2 years. It just a work for living. And in many times, it frustrates me a lot. Been complaining to him about quitting work either school or music work. I almosy lost all my interest in doing any work. Even usually I was quite exciting when payday came, rushing to the bank to arrange the money, it has changed too. I just checked it when it came then I just wait until I have time to go to bank.

I currently stop chasing something due to our situation. I mean with him studying,we don’t have much time and money to be spent for other things than to secure it for any rainy days. Plus, the little one is in its way here,so we even have to prepare more. Thank God, it’s been enough alhamdulillah and hope it will always be sufficient.

But then, as I am aged, I really want to pursue something again. First thing first, Europe. You know,it has been my constant stomach-ache since a very long time. Along these 2 years I tried my best to not to think about it that much. But, I will never be able to forget about it. The very first thing I really want to do after he finishes studying insya Allah is executing this one. Either alone or together. Sounds selfish? Maybe.

But my plan now can’t be just merely my plan. It has to do with many people. So, I think this one of an important lessons for you kids,do many things as much as you can when you have your time and freedom. Before selfishness can’t be your middle name any longer. I hope I,and your father can support you as best as we can to let you experience as many as possible best things in life,amin.

My last sentence might be my new way of redefining a life..

As I remembered, days after that afternoon date at Pizza Hut were quite err.. happy,funny?maybe something like that. Since it’s been quite long time that i was close to anybody whom I liked too. For me, in a relationship it is very important to be with someone that i like too. I never take any risk to accept someone’s feeling if i dont feel the same way too. That was why i rejected some boys during junior high and senior high before his time (please bear with my humble brag;)).

But,then again, those funny and happy days didn’t last too long. More problems arose. More because of our disagreement in many things. Well,honestly my disagreements. As i told here before, i just wanted to keep it simple. Chatting over text and talking on the phone were enough. More than enough for me but not for him.

For him, it was important that we should meet,eat together, watch movies,date on the weekend,etc. So I was telling him that he could do that with other girl. I was being straight from the start that I couldn’t be like that. I wouldn’t. Another reason that I didn’t tell him was my parents would never ever allow me. But I didn’t feel like to drag my parents to my reason. 

There were countless fight and quarrel over so many things that made me often really wanted to quit this. Until we finished our national examination on May 2003, that was the time that i felt i couldn’t take it any longer. It was in a late night that I finally had the courage to tell him about how stress i had been for these few months. Told him i really couldn’t handle it. I was not happy every morning i woke up and knew that we were together. I wanted to be back as a friend. I promised that I would not go anywhere. I would be just here anytime he needeed me. But I asked him to straighten things out that we were just friends. Only friends. 

I thought that i would feel better telling him all those words. Then, I was totally wrong. It was terrible. Heard him crying it was even more hurtful. Even after i hung up the phone i couldn’t help crying and sending him texts saying that i was really sorry. Even there were somedays afterward that i had this thought of asking him to be back together. But I just couldn’t do that. Knowing I might hurt him more later if i did that.

It was on May, 11th, 2003, that night, i had a promise made myself that I wouldn’t be involved in any close relationship with anyone until i graduate from my bachelor degree 4-5 years later.

A promise that turned out i really kept and made while hurting quite few hearts along the way. 

I am, always envy those who can write consistently and produce good writing.

Because it’s very hard to write and keep writing daily. Like now, I’ve no idea what I want to write. Just babbling around.

Dad,bro,and sis will come home in few days from Hajj Insya Allah. During these 1,5 months, I’ve the most meetings up in a year. College best friend, high school mates, and last Sunday, met up after 11 years, my ILP fellows. Those people whom I met when my a lifetime love story began. The Doctor’s high school friends, as well as my elementary friends too, Funny, wasn’t it?

And, today, is the first day of 1435 H, I’m going to meet my longest best friend, from elementary and junior high. Yeah, meeting up is very pricey these days. I’m also envy those who can constantly set up a meeting with their old friends. 

I think. t’s getting hard for me because I stop making friends since years ago. If I look up my phone book, and think of talking to someone, it’s been always the same persons. It’s either The Rangers, Noni, Astrid, or few of my high school friends, last but not least, my sister and bien sur, Le docteur. No new ones. All came from at least 11 years ago.  

I’m also turning 29 last October. 29, what a number, isn’t it?Soon my 20’s will be over. One of the best decade in one’s lifetime,mine too. I had the highlights of my life during this ten years. Bachelor degree, become a real teacher as I dreamed, went abroad, master degree abroad, went Hajj, got married. What a blessing. I just wish and pray hard for one more huge blessing in the end of these great 10 years. May Allah pleases to give me that chance. Amin.

So, I think that’s all the babble this morning. It’s holiday and le husband is around. So, hopefully, good day it is!

Au revoir;)