After school conversations have always been full of entertainment.
Most days it was the cheerful tone and bright facial expressions telling stories about school. Few rare days, it was the gloomy face with flowing tears over the small things.
Last Wednesday was one of the rare days. Right after the door closed, tears were flooding. Unlike the previous two days of final exams which she was quite confident, that day was the opposite.
Asked her what happened and she said she couldn’t answer one question (which is the translation of one of the daily dua🙄) and it made her frustrated.
I asked back so what, it was only one question.
“But, I’ll get less than 7 and get the consequences”.
We (okay, I) set clear expectations about the minimum score that she should aim for each subject in final exam. Some were no less than 9, few were no less than 8, very few no less than 7.
Expectation is not about giving pressure. It’s about being rational. It’s about managing your precious time and energy where to focus more without neglecting the less.
Setting the expectation clearly means you understand you can’t be good at everything yet it’s not an excuse to not give your best shot in anything you’re responsible with.
“What’s the consequences?” “Study more?” “Yes, that’s it. Eat your apple pie,”
Out of the blue, the tears stopped flowing knowing an apple pie was waiting. ——————————————-
Getting at least 7 is actually the minimum standard in national curriculum called KKM.
I had done my part helping her study. Since last semester, I was being a loud parent who criticized how come a 7yo could memorize all those bulky and irrelevant Islamic studies materials and expect them to answer the questions regarding those things. A session/week for 30 minutes hearing a boring lecture which doesn’t help at all. Not to mention the language used in the insctruction gives so much headache, even for a normal kid without any disorders.
Kind of problems we deal with the outdated 9-years-old national curriculum with old school way of teaching.
But, surely, we couldn’t expect an overnight change. So, the only way is studying and deal with whatever we have to deal with.
Until now, I have no slightest idea about how bad or how well she did in her first sit-in final exams.
What I know is it’s always ‘fun’ to get direct feedback how the kids react about anything we do, we tell, or we model, conscious or unconciously. Like she has to deal with the consequences if she fails to meet the expectations, which is ‘just’ study more.
In parenting league, a real tiger mom would roll her eyes out hearing the expectation,”what kind of parent expect minimum standard for a test?” Or “is 7 even a score?”
While the permissive one would claim, ”it’s just a test, that doesn’t define anything, just let it be”.
It is easier when you’re really clear which side to pick. Balancing between those two, that’s quite hard work.
But, I am clear about something.
I love how she took the standard set seriously. That precious tears were beyond hilarious.
Whether she made it or not, let’s deal with that later when we know the answer.
Few weeks ago, one of the internet celebrities who lives in one of the countries in Europe, whose son is autistic wrote a note on her feed about how complicated life has been, with her son situation.
Few months ago, another internet celebrity, also with an autistic son, moved back for good to her hometown in Bandung after four years lived in London. She said how it broke her heart to lose all the support that had been given enormously to her son there. How they would try to find ways to return so their son could get the support he needs, something that is quite hard to find here.
Although my daughter condition is quite different with them, but I totally could relate to both of them.
How (more) complicated life when you have a special need kid who needs support (no matter how low like mine or how high like them) and how hard and heart-breaking it is to get a proper one in this very country.
What missing here is not a literal support. Therapies centres are available, especially when you are in big cities like Bandung or Jakarta.
The biggest and the most important thing that is absent here, is THE CARE.
In general, many people who works in this field, from the doctor to the therapists, they don’t lack in skill or knowledge, but they have problem with LACK OF CARE AND EMPATHY.
Recently dropped little girl’s therapy sessions in Bahasa Indonesia with very much discomfort. It’s been running for few months with some notes, like punctuality, bad internet connection most of lessons time, and the same material that seems irrelevant. But, I still consider the other advantages too.
Until yesterday when it was almost 10 minutes from the schedule, she was still unavailable. Then I messaged the centre. Few minutes later she was on. Not for long, the connection was off again, and it happened for so many times. The little girl kept calling everytime she answered one question and heard no response. It was so frustrating.
At certain point, I really couldn’t handle myself to give some remarks about how annoying this bad connection was so she could heard it. Worse, her background was so noisy, people kept talking and passing by behind. I wonder if anyone could handle themselves dealing with such situation.
She seemed unhappy with what I did, her tone when she talked to little girl suddenly changed. To calm down a little bit, I started texting the doctor and threw my rant on chats.
Things seemed getting worse when the next thing she asked the little girl to do was making sentence through whatsapp chat, which was totally unless. It is a speech therapy session, damn it!
To add some more, she kept being pushy telling her to type faster. I started recording her facial expressions so I could forward either to the doctor or the centre.
Absurd task still accompanied with bad internet connection. Crazy.
I no longer could tolerate her when once she talked grumpily to the little girl while it was her who didn’t hear any answers she had been given. I snapped telling, “you say it if you think you can’t do it”.
I talked to the therapist right after the session and threw all my rants right in front of her face.
This one is a senior therapist that also teaches in the university for younger ones. How could we have good ones if the example of attitude set for them as low as this old kind?
Instead of being angry, I actually want to cry hard more. This is so frustrating. This is not my first time doing this. I once also threw tantrum in another centre three years ago because almost the whole session, that person didn’t do ANYTHING BUT LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. My blood was boiling watching from CCTV but still refrained myself from smacking the door.
It also happened five years ago when appointment had been made and decided to go home after being stood up for almost an hour. WITHOUT EXPLANATION, let alone apology.
Online consultation was no better. Once had a loooongggggg early morning conversation with one of the centre account which has a large audience, yet, the tone was so demeaning, so disrespectful, as if parents knew nothing and had done nothing.
This kind of thing we have to deal with and the level of care we have here.
I am too frustrated to try again but not doing anything is also not an option.
Let see if someday we could find what we’ve been looking for.
Belajar hal baru hari ini dari nilai 52 di ulangan bahasa Indonesia. Soal-soalnya ngga terlalu susah, tapi juga ngga mudah terutama untuk anak yang memiliki gangguan bahasa. Satu bagian yang salah semua memerlukan pemahaman bacaan yang cukup untuk menjawab soal tersebut. Bahkan anak yang tidak memiliki gangguan bahasa pun, hal ini bukan hal yang mudah.
Satu yang menarik tentang nilai ini, dulu, kayanya nilai ulangan itu sesuatu yang besar banget. Sekarang, biasa aja ya? Biasa aja buat anak dan orangtuanya. Reaksi waktu tau dapat nilai segitu ya, biasa aja.
Apa karena bahasa Indonesia yang bukan kelebihan utama? Kalo bahasa Inggris dan matematika yang 52 (mungkin) beda lagi ceritanya.
Atau karena tau 52 itu nilai yang emang murni dia dapat sendiri? Jadi ya sudah, sekarang bisanya masih segitu. Masih banyak ulangan2 berikutnya.
Tapi, bukan berarti ngga masalah kalo di mata pelajaran yang bukan kekuatan utama dapet seadanya (52 sih jelek ya, bukan seadanya).
Berarti harus ada yg dilakukan.
WA ke sekolah kedua langsung dikirim supaya pemahaman bacaan pendek masuk ke materi terapi bahasa Indonesia mingguan.
Sebagai anak dengan DLD, gangguan bahasa akan terjadi di semua bahasa yang dipelajari. Hanya, karena sejak sekolah di London, Bahasa Inggris sudah lebih dulu dan intens mendapatkan intervensi, kemampuan Bahasa Inggris sedikit lebih baik dari bahasa Indonesia.
Setelah dari London, kami memutuskan untuk memasukan ke sekolah FULL bahasa Indonesia dengan pertimbangan sekolahnya adalah sekolah inklusif dan tidak menggunakan bahasa lain selain bahasa Indonesia. Ngga ada cara yang lebih efektif untuk bisa belajar bahasa selain menyeburkan diri di lingkungan yang semua orang berbicara dalam bahasa tersebut.
Saat ini, terapi masih dilakukan dalam dua bahasa : Indonesia dan Inggris di satu sekolah inklusif yang juga menyediakan terapi untuk berbagai anak berkebutuhan khusus.
Rutin baru di rumah juga mulai dijadwalkan hari ini : Bacapibo (perpus digital khusus buku Indonesia yg dibayar oleh sekolahnya) sehari satu buku sebelum baca EPIC! sepuasnya.
Lucunya, pas banget baru ketemu dan baca grafik terbaru tentang reading performance antara negara-negara OECD.
Paling gampang ditemukanFar below average reading perfomance
Seperti biasa, posisi kita selalu di tempat yang tidak jauh beda seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya.
Sama seperti nilai 52, tanpa melakukan apa-apa, kita akan selalu di tempat yang sama sampai 💯 tahun lamanya.
It’s been quite a while since I started washing all bottles, jars, or whatever that goes to recycling bag before throwing it to the residence’s bin. I just do it on my own. Sometimes whenever anyone at home want to throw them right away with all the dirt inside, I either pick it up and clean it or tell them to just put it on the sink and I’ll clean it first. I don’t expect others will clean it and it’s totally okay.
Today, I was cleaning the kitchen and wanted to throw some trash to recycling bag when my eye caught something. This view made me check the refuse bin next to the recycle one to make sure of another view that I had seen yesterday.
I couldn’t help smiling looking at these views.
The ugly view that put a smile on my face
The cup above was the little girl’s while below was her dad. The 7 years old washed her ice cream cup cleanly before she placed it on the recycle bag while on the below, the 37 years old one simply throw it to the refuse bin as it was.
There are times when all the little things done daily, which sometimes look so insignifant, yet give indescribable feeling like this one. The day when I know that whatever I have done, someone is watching closely. Observe quietly. Then, simply imitate it.
Be it a good or bad thing.
Getting a distinction in an international exam surely felt nice, but, knowing your child is following your example for something good, on her own, nah, that’s another level of feeling great.
A little reward of your parenting turned out can be found in an unexpected place like a trash bag.
Last Thursday gave me one of the longest 30 minutes I had ever experienced when I couldn’t find this little girl after one of her classes.
Told her I would leave for a quick grocery while she was doing the class. Most of the time, I just sit and read while waiting, but there were few times when I need to do something while waiting and she’s always been informed in advance.
We live in an apartment building which connected to a mall where she has two classes and a supermarket to do grocery.To go between building, we have to pass through few doors that could only be opened by an access card, which only I have it.
Always tell her clearly what I will do while she is having her class and it will be done before her first class is finished. She has two.
That day, I was around 2-3 minutes late from the usual time the first class usually finish. Another class started in five minutes and I thought she already went there.
The heart felt like stopped beating when I didn’t find her there, but still tried to be calm.
Went back and forth looking all over the area, no result.
Started calling her dad. Asked few people around who knew her. None of them saw her.
Torn between panicked and the urge to follow the tiny voice inside the head that told me the only possible place she could be, but the heart refused the idea and kept questioning whether it was possible for her to do it.
Looked around once again with half crying until I finally decided to find her in another possible place.
It was only five minutes distance, yet it felt so far.
Arrived on the entrance door, where I thought she would be and she wasn’t there too.
The mind was racing with so many things. Knowing she couldn’t be anywhere else than here. Pray spelled continously. Kept doing the self blaming for being late.
Asked one security and he had no idea. Continued the search to the last most possible place she could be. The what-if-I-couldn’t-find-her thought was killing me.
Both legs suddenly turned into jelly when I saw her sitting near the pool next to another security.
Thanked the security briefly, interrogated her endlessly, then hugged her frustratedly. —————————————- That day, when she couldn’t find me, she decided to go back home on her own.
It was unusual for two reasons : she close to never skip any classes, and she is always excited for the second one.
When we asked the reason, she said she was really tired of doing the first one.
We asked again why went home on her own she said because she couldn’t find me so she just went home.
In my imagination , I thought she must be scared and maybe half crying when she couldn’t find me, just like what happened to me.
In reality, she was nothing close to be scared nor even shed any tears. She just decided to go home which she knew where to go. She asked and told the security she didn’t bring the card, so one helped her to enter the apartment building then she just waited until I came to fetch her. She thought she had done the right thing and made a good decision.
To be fair, she really did. She did the most make sense thing. But, it’s so hard to accept this 7yo could do that on her own.
From making decision to return back home on her own. She deserved a medal for doing that.
But, in reality, I kind screwed it up and as usual, guilt is all over the place.
Few days after even until I write this, the guilt still lingers. Not the guilt because of being late nor left her, but more of the guilt for making her confused through my response that convey the message that she was doing something wrong when she thought she had done a brave one.
It was me who keeps promoting the idea of dealing with any situations on her own. Who keeps training her to face people and make decision on her own, to practice her Indonesian language in real life setting.
But, when she really did it all, on her own, instead of being appreciated, she was scolded. Instead of saying she was so brave as she expected (she said, “I was brave”), what came from my mouth was, “Please, don’t do it again. You really make me scared. You wait until I came to you”. (She actually did wait for me, just not where I expected her to be). Instead of appreciating what she had done, I made it all about me.
What a blunder.
This situation reminded me once again that even staying close to her most of the time didn’t guarantee how well I know my own daughter. It was sad knowing I didn’t trust her enough.
It reminded me to always spare rooms for unexpected situations (good or bad), and try my best to respond accordingly.
The bright side is, this kind of situation gave a great feedback for things that I have done, to evaluate what we can do better while dealing with this kind of situation which surely will happen again in the future.
Maybe not that I didn’t trust her, but more because it happened outside my control. It wasn’t something that happened under my consent.
Should remind myself more often, there will be so many these kind of things later in the future. It’s truly a reminder to trust my own daughter that she is capable of doing, choosing, and deciding things on her own and respect that.
If I fail to do so, does it mean I consider what I have been doing so far is completely wrong then?
Boy, it’s so hard.
Motherhood and its sudden pop-up quizzes that need to be done without preparation.
No matter how often, I am still amazed whenever dealing with one.
Such an emotional rollercoaster day for the second day of Ramadan.
Little quarrel in the morning.
Then in the afternoon, received an extraordinary exam result after waiting for 1,5 months and felt extremely overwhelmed about that.
For the past 30 years dealing with piano in any kind of situations, maybe today was one of the highlights.
For a student who practices diligently every single day, without any excuse, we expected the little girl to at least get a proper result. But, nothing prepared us for more than proper result…
Like this.
For her, it seems nothing because she didn’t really bother about that and not yet fully understand what it means.
But for me, it feels like to be finally arrived at one destination that I had been wondering how it would look like, how it would feel to be there, for a very long time.
Went to the same school more than thirty years ago, completed 13 long years of education, not once my final exam result even close to what she got.
This was what I got on the same level 31 years ago.
Every report card with final exam meeting had been just another tiny disappointment felt at heart, knowing how hard it was for me to get, even least important award available there, for 13 years.
Many things contributed to that of course. I realized how different my situation back then with hers right now.
Yet, Piano is one thing that has been compounding more than I could think of. I had no idea how surviving 13 hard years doing that would give so many returns in many unthinkable forms in my life. Finish what you have started matters. Saying that, I wasn’t even close to a top student. I was one you could find easily from the bottom here.
Reading those papers, I realized how much it took for one little person to achieve such result. It’s not all about her. I wish her to not making a slightest achievement becomes entitlement.
Later, when she’s older, I hope she understands that whatever good things in life that comes to her, it’s not entirely because of her.
It has always been massive collective efforts from many people around her, that crossed her path who has been helping her in every step she takes. Beyond her parents. Beyond her families. Good things come to her thanks to many invisible hands that allow those things reach her and become part of herself.
Everything she has in life is something borrowed, and it means she has to return in some way. The best way she could do is not paying the one who helped her back, but the best way might be pay it forward.
But still, our own hardwork matters.
For every morning sitting on the same spot, drilling hundred notes, showing up in every weather, dealing with all the pressure, she deserved all those awards for all the efforts she had done.
In the future, the harder work is actually on the parents.
With such previous result on Royal College ABRSM exam with a rare distinction score of 147/150 (while normally, mostly it is around 130-140) and now her YPM with 99/100, managing our expectations might become trickier than before.
Standard has been set a little too high with, meanwhile I fully realized there’s no all time high for everything in life.
I started writing this on the third day of the break up.
To put in the context, I talked about a game.
We finally decided to uninstall the famous Roblox from the device and wiped it off from little girl’s daily routine after months.
For others, it might be just a game. But for her, Roblox had been one of her most important things.
Why? Because it was one of the routines she loved the most. After a long tiring day with full packed schedule, it was the one who soothed her. She endured a long day knowing that Roblox was waiting at the end of the day. Roblox was just like a friend where she looked forward seeing based on the schedule. Time spent playing Roblox was one of her happiest time.
She cried so hard that night and it broke my heart. Tried to explain slowly why we had to come to this decision. We told her some of its contents were not age appropriate and it would ruin her brain.
We (the parents) also had hard times dealing with this at first. Guilt was all over the place. But, the decision was final. I felt like we couldn’t afford the price that we should pay later if we decide to keep having it around.
It might seem harmless right now, but we have been warned several times until the major one came right in front of our eyes. It would be so wrong to ignore all the warnings.
She accepted it slowly, so did we.
I completed this writing a week after the discarding night. So far, she handled it well and we have found few other safer games and she is enjoying them so far.
I have been doing many ‘taking the hard right over the easy wrong’ for the past seven years of motherhood. Uninstalled Roblox was one of the hardest ones so far. Many more to come in the future, I believe.
I spent a lot of time typing and deleting the first sentence. Finding the words to say turned out wasn’t an easy thing to do.
Maybe just like what people with DLD do.
In spite of sleeping quite late (based on my regular schedule), I woke up early and felt like yesterday was a dream that I wanted to make sure it was real.
It started with a forwarded whatsapp text from her dad followed by the school manager herself last week. It was an offer for the little girl to do something related to her major weakness that makes her doing weekly therapy until now.
I wasn’t sure at first. It was a good chance of course, but, I didn’t want her being exposed too early. But, since the school was quite sure about that, and she would did it with her teacher which the relationship has been really great, so I allowed that. More than being uncertain, I was also curious.
Yesterday felt like having a second episode of what I felt in this post.
I watched her doing a 30 minutes live talk in the school social media platform with the teacher.
She was being briefed on Tueday, a light one. I made her some pointers on the paper. The rest, she just went with the flow.
One of the most admired qualities that she has is the confidence. We have discussed about her condition. Althought I am not sure she fully understand about that or not for now, but, for someone with language disorder, speaking difficulties, she talked ‘too well’. Her confidence is much bigger than her constraints.
She also reads a lot and that is a tremendous help. She has a lot of interests that makes her doing an intense reading on the particular topic. Thanks to this app, her interests are well entertained.
Back to yesterday.
Watched her talking excitedly, I couldn’t help looking back once again. Unlike the Dyspraxia that had just been discovered recently, language problems has been her constant problem since she was baby.
Consulted a child development pediatrician since she was 22 month old.
Enrolled therapies at 3 years old with speech delay diagnosis.
Did exhausting therapies few times a week, with all the drama.
Diagnosed with DLD at 5 during her time in Alfred Salter.
Doing a live talk at 7.
Yesterday felt like a monumental moment despite anything that has been written on the paper.
It also has been a year since she has been consistently and confidently giving ‘news anchor/reporter’ answer to “what do you want to be” question. Said that she would report any news from any places. Among many jobs out there that could be done with less talking, she chooses one with the most talking.
Writing this, I am still overwhelmed and too amazed for witnessing few among many of life and its funny paradoxes.
Yesterday was not an usual outdoor time with scooter, bus or train.
It’s something that has been on the plan since last year yet to make it happen takes more courage than I think. It’s something that she has been longing for quite a while.
I had planned previously to go to one of the parks with usual mode then changed it suddenly on the last minute after having beautiful morning show up above in the sky.
Never underestimate the influence of the nature to your overall mood.
More, her dad was also here. So, more reasons to do this. I had this place in mind before. It is only 15 minutes driving and it has a huge and wide parking lot, then outdoor picnic space to rest after that. Truly a perfect place for the thing we wanted to do.
Done doing her set of morning menu, we drove to this place. It was a rare sunny Sunday, so even the weather conspired us to make this thing happened.
There was no one there since it was as early as 8 am. We enjoyed all the space for ourselves.
At first, I talked to myself to lower my expectation, to be patient, because it wasn’t something that one could do in an instant. More, with her pre-existing condition. So, ‘lower your expectation, mommy’ had been continously playing inside my head.
It was hard at first, as expected. But, slowly, it was getting better. Then, not for long, it happened. Right before my eyes.
She rode two wheels bicycle on her own.
She really did it!
That was it? What’s so grand about being able to ride on two wheels bicycle?
For some people, this is just an ordinary milestone, but not for her, or us. Other than having diagnosed with DLD during our time in London, she is also known to have mild DCD or dyspraxia.
Dyspraxia is a childhood developmental disorder marked by clumsiness in otherwise healthy children. Few of its symptoms are having difficulties in certain motoric movement like balance and coordination.
She has experienced countless time falling while riding scooter, while walking, couldn’t ride a swing properly, couldn’t throw and catch ball, and many more.
From 100 ideas to help children with DCD and Dyspraxia.She once even fell while riding a tricycle!She fell into this yucky pond during walking normally on the way to visit child development pediatrician consultant.
There were times when it felt so frustrating. Having a language disorder is a huge setback already. Having another felt too much.
If there’s a trait that might look unfavorable in certain circumstances, but it works well while dealing with this situation.
I am too stubborn to just accept whatever shit life throws.
After having adequate crying, whinning, and countless why, no time to waste anymore. Something should be done.
For the past two years, instead of going to therapy for this, we enrolled her to a private gym class where she could train all the things she couldn’t do yet.
Another thing that helps a lot other than being stubborn, she might have those disorders, but, on the other side, she has this determination, persistent, and perseverance. She always tries her best in everything she does.
Another thing that we got on the good side: we mostly destined to meet the kind and right people. Teachers, therapists that truly helped us and her genuinely (other than the fact we paid them, of course).
There were days when I felt so depressed because days went by without significant progress. But, it wasn’t enough to make us stop.
We kept coming every week. When the gym closed down during delta wave last year, we asked if the coach would do it in our residence outdoor space and she said yes. So, the training continued, in spite of the situation out there.
Yesterday, it was all paid off.
I am fully realized in spite of having such conditions above, we have many advantages and privileges that maybe some other special needs parents and child don’t.
But, if a little note is allowed, maybe here : above paper diagnosis doesn’t define who your child is. There’s so much life after that. There are many other doors open for them, as long as we don’t stop looking. Accept what has been destined for you, but don’t accept it as an end result. We need diagnosis to understand the child, not to prevent them to do things they’re capable of.
She wrote this last year.Please, don’t.
Above all the efforts you have done, put your trust. To the One who creates her and to your child herself.
Having internal conversation on something for some periods until it transforms into a writing these days. The more I read, the merrier those talkings inside the head.
This topic has been on my head for quite long time. The last time I wrote on similar topic was almost three years ago in this post. Many things happened within these years. Many books read, more meetings with different kind of people, and it gives more insights and different perspectives.
When the doctor once said that I am an avid believer of French Parenting, only a little part of that is true. It is also totally understandable when I was raised french way too. Although I am abosulutely in for their three main items which are eat, sleep, and say bonjour, but, for certain parts, I think French mothers might deny me to be a part of their group if they see how I take lunch lightly or knowing that I breastfed my baby for more than 2 years.
When some close family considered me as a strict Tiger Mom who filled her child’s day with schedule, the real chinese or east asian tigress will laugh out loud. The schedule part might be yes, but what kind of tiger mom allow her child to play game everyday, allow sleepover, not pushing the child doing hours of drilling, yet allow so many hours for leisure reading about anything, but not sitting and studying doing worksheets. A big grumpy cat might be yes, but tiger? I can see they are smirking on that idea. No tiger mom is this ‘laid back’.
When I sometimes considered myself (or maybe dying to be part of) as a Scandinavian mom. But, the real ones would be too shocked if they see how different I interpret the word ‘relax’, how little hours I assign for outdoor, and how packed the schedule the little girl has daily or how early we start our day. They will ask me to omit everything I have done and replaced them with some real leisure and pleasure for children.
I can go on comparing few more but let’s stop here.
One thing that came to my thinking, the more books I read, more examples I see, I found that it’s totally hard to define an Indonesian parenting way. Those countries that has country parenting label have things that are clearly defined by the government, applied to everyone without exception, and persevered across generations.
Here, there’s no clear goal, let alone guidelines, no strong foundation, and what define us mostly in general, in my opinion is not a good character. We’re not famous for our strong work ethic, not for honesty, not for intelligence, not for the good habits like reading, not for good education and health service, at least not famous for important items needed to build a well-rounded adult.
Because there’s no clear goal, that’s why there’s no support system built. No proper pedestrian walk in a whole city to safely walk (even an area with pedestrian walk taken over by street food seller or motorcycle), public parks are getting better, but still not enough, free libraries are rare, inequalities in school services (and it’s crazy), there’s almost no single important thing that we could rely on. The absence of the country means a lot. But, since we (currently) have no choice but to live in an this absolute non-kids friendly city and country, we can’t do much about that.
I remembered when I went Hajj, one of the official said how different Malaysian and Indonesian pilgrims were. Different in terms of manner.
It was packed during hajj session, so finding a spot for salah quite tricky because I wanted to have a Ka’bah view. But, since it was only a petite me, it was actually easy to squeeze in. It was easy to recognize Indonesian pilgrims from their mukena and Indonesian also brought their huge praying mat, so I asked some space to share from them.
Few times did this, can you guess what happened? Almost none did. Instead of giving a little bit space for me, they spreaded their legs instead. At first, I was a bit flustered. But, after several times of rejections, I was getting used to it and moved on.
Then who were the one who called me, even from a far and asked me to join? The Malaysian pilgrims.
“Come here, there’s a lot of space here!”
(Insert flat smile)
It was more clearly shown also during Mina. Malaysian (and Singaporean) tents were placed on the main road, closed to the jumroh, and their tents were so cozy and comfy, while Indonesian tents (pilgrims who went with government service, it would be totally different with one who went with privat service, again, see the inequality?) were located on the top of the hill, small tents, extremely hot, and being in one area with other third world countries-whose cleanliness manner was, should I say scary?
You’ll surely see huge difference in manner between children (citizen) who were being taken care well by their parents (government) with those ones who didn’t receive the same level of care or close to being neglected.
You’ll only be able to share, be it love, money or everything, when you’re already filled with it first. Those who spreaded their legs, refused to share a bit of space,even inside the holy mosque, maybe that was what happened to them too. Sharing is not something they would do because maybe, they don’t feel (have) enough for themselves.
It also reminded me of when I visited one of the food bazaar event in London. I came with high expectation that I would finally meet bunch of people where I could have a chat in my language, but, not until an hour, I decided to go home.
The ambiance was so cold. Most of the food seller gave cold response when I asked about the food (of course in Bahasa), but, but, when a foreigner came to their stall, oh la la, so much warmth felt in the air.
No wonder we’re famous as friendly people by the foreigner.
“Things that valued in one place will grow” from Geography of Genius.
Above is one of the pages from my current reading. It also applies here. What we value mostly here are material or something tangible. How much money one makes, how many cars or things you own, how big one house is, how much followers in social media, what position one is at work, and many more. Everything that is easily measured and judged by the paper.
We also rarely apply delay gratification here. Everyone wants to have or achieve everything in an instant. No wonder, no matter how often it happened in the past, the victim of fraud would always be available in this country.
In book stores, there are books for how to get rich quickly in many different perspectives, but none how to raise an honest kid, how to live right and enough.
Getting rich in an instant seems becoming the ultimate goal. No matter the way you take to get there. No matter how many rules you break to make it happen. As long as you end up with more money.
Why? Because that’s how you’re being valued here.
So, is it wrong to be rich? Bien sur que non. Even in Islam, it’s strongly recommended so you can contribute better. But, many times here, being rich means you have the permit to be asshole and playing power to abuse those who are less fortunate.
Fiuh. Another post that becomes another rant about being a frustrated parent in this country.
Back to parenting tribe.
When we look at certain local parenting tribe, I’ll surely stand with the chinese and bataknese. In 5 years, we have been working with two bataknese young adults, and I love working with them. Hard working, diligent, fast learner, resilience when dealing with complaints, problem solving-oriented (the one that I wrote here is about one of them), no quitting for cheap reason, and they say what they mean, no beating around the bush. Compared to those javanese ones, I prefer having non-javanese. Nothing about being racist here. Just point out what I have dealt in real life.
Reading these books doesn’t mean finding which one you belong to but more of knowing, or even better, applying, if there’s some practices from those parenting types could also work for you and suits your personality and family. Of course, it should be aligned with your goals.
From French, I took the sleep and eat properly part. From the tigers, I am totally in for the discipline part, no matter how many considered it is so tough. We can see how accomplished those tigress kids are academically. From Scandinavians, I took the play part, assigning outdoor hours, and taking care more of little important things.
What have been done are surely still far from ideal, yet all we could do is just trying our best in hoping the little girl could become the part of world citizen tribe, in spite of growing up in a non-ideal place for children.
Be as discplined as the chinese.
Eat well like french.
Living life to the fullest, simple and resilience like Scandinavian.
A Penny for My Pensieve 