Category: Maternité

(Previously the first year, the second year, third year, the fourth year, the fifth year, the sixth year).

It felt like there’s a frog in my throat.

I have been looking forward to this day with many kind of different feelings. It is relieving in one side yet heart-breaking in another side. I felt like having so much to say yet couldn’t write as much as I wanted to say.

I once wrote in this post how Islamic parenting also divided the span of a child’s life into three big stage of 7 years and how it aligned with so many reaearches from western world. One of them explained by this paper, quoting Dr. Bruce Lipton :

I fully understand long before how huge the impact of the first 7 years to a human life, if it’s not everything.

Does knowing all these informations help me doing all things for these 7 years? Indeed.

Yet, does knowing all these informations make doing those things easier? I wish.

What I realized is while I consciously know all the theory and been trying my best to apply it into practical situation, along the way I realized more than parenting and raising my little girl, there was more important thing happened along this journey: to reparent and raise my own self.

It felt like going on a journey that I didn’t know included in the itinerary. Visiting places in the past that made me wonder and think a lot. How much, how huge, and how significant the influence of those who raised us for the early years of our life.

In my plans, some of things that I don’t want to copy from the past looked easy. But, I could see life smirked at me. Knowing all those theories is not enough to make all the (bad) parenting done by my parents dissapeared. In fact, many times, I truly passed the baton to the litte girl of many things that my parents have done to me and it was totally hard to against that because it was all in my subconscious mind.

So, if there’s someone who said “I wont be like my parents to my child”, then, wait until she/he is a parent him/herself and look what happened.

Willpower alone is not enough to fight against the urge to not repeating the cycle. No matter how much you tried to not doing the same harm you received, it kept appearing. Maybe that’s why it said it is important to be mindful parents. So you know what you’re doing. You know when it is not right so you can repair as much and as fast as you can.

So far, maybe that has been the best thing I have done in this first seven years. To avoid repeating the same cycle, the best that I can do is repairing as quickly as I can whenever I did some damage to her, which is a lot (like I wrote here).

‘I am sorry’ said in an instant, for countless time. ‘I love you’ thrown generously. The two medecines regularly consumed along this journey are many many hugs and kisses

These seven years have been the period when I realized how much works should be done not only outside but also inside. These have been the periods where I learned to let go, to forgive, and to move on from many things in the past. Forgive and move on needed so we can do better than what the parents had done so the future generation would not have what we had.

These seven years have been the period when I realized how much damage parents can do to a child yet how strong the love is in spite of all those damages done. But, in the other hand, it finally came to our sense, being them was not easy. Maybe like what I am doing now, they also just did what they know best for us. These seven years have been the period of continous repairment and the daily struggle to break the cycle in hoping that the little girl would have a better set of situations when she makes a choice to be a parent herself.

The words in dua for parents where we ask forgiveness for the parents became make sense to me. More than the child to them, the parents did wrong more to the child more than they realized.

Being a parent is a job that one should take seriously, spare enough time, not only for doing, but also for thinking. Being a parent is not an autopilot job. It requires your full energy. More than just feeding and clothing, the thinking part to know where you go,fixing, resting, and curing ourself, those are equally important parts as well.

I remembered few years ago when I was so busy doing things outside, what left when arrived at home was exhaustion. The impatient me was only getting worse, being crankier more than the little girl herself. Projecting my incapability to manage my emotions to her.

I took some decisions to cut off my working schedule and it was one of the best decisions made so far. It was when I realized that I couldn’t replace physical presence. Quality over quantity is only applicable if you are sure you can give the same amount of energy at home like when you are outside. For me, it was impossible.

If I allow to reevaluate myself from two different points of view, myself and the little girl, I am not totally proud of me yet I am beyond grateful for everything she is.

But then, in spite of the damages, I have done many things within my power in every stage of her life. For that, I have no single regret.

I have no regret staying close to her almost 24/7 from day one. Whether during the time when money was tight, or the time when I am able to make such choice leisurely, staying close to her is something that I won’t negotiate.

I have no regrets stubbornly breastfeed her for 2,5 years despite the drama and pain along those periods. For this part, I am so proud of me because believing in myself when everyone kept suggesting to open that formula milk box during early months.

I have no regrets taking care of her without any other helps than his father and few times with the close relatives because I didn’t want her to observe anyone than us at home, for a long period in the day.

I have no regrets teaching her to sleep and eat well. Those two are the very first rights that a carer should give to a child for them to lead a healthy life, which I have written so many times.

I am beyond humbled to be granted chances to be her first teacher in many things in her life. To learn together about things I never knew important before, to be a better person because someone is watching closely.

I am quite lucky in spite of my (and his father) lots of lacking, she is growing up to be what she is.

The great Greek philospher, Aristotle once said : Give me a child until (s)he is 7 and I will show you a (wo)man.

Then, here she is.

A little girl with many admirable qualities who keeps trying her best in everything, who’s willing to try new adventures, who’s always curious, who sleeps and eats very well, who reads massively, who displays self-discipline and empathy, whose mind I sometimes couldn’t understand how it works.

A lucky girl who’s so far able to grow healthily, close to never being sick. Been experiencing many things, exposed to lots of knowledges, exploring many places, playing in many playgrounds around the world, having great fun in different kind of weather, overcome her struggle, getting the earliest interventions for her conditions from the best help available, introduced to many good habits since early years and keep sticking to them, always shows enthusiasm in everything she does. So many privileges that shouldn’t be taken for granted.

To say she is lucky is one thing. But, I think it’s us the parents who have been riding along her fortune. She might not realize how much her presence elevate many things in her parents life. We surely won’t go this far without her.

Despite all those good things, I still have tons of worries about her. Things that mostly beyond my control and there’s not much I can do about that other than keep trying what we could do, what we could afford within our power. There are times when I question everything like, “is this all we could do?”

Heading to the second 7 years scared me more than the first one. This was my hardest period among the three. The period where I felt so lost for many times. The period where I should figure out so many things on my own and often it felt so frustrating. But, it was also the period where I grew exponentially, in many aspects mentally. It was the period where I learned the most about real life. Something that I didn’t know I need until many years later.

I am torn between scared of giving, watching or letting this girl experience such hard times yet also scared of choosing the easy way by avoiding it.

Fiuh. A birthday post has never been this gloomy.

Well, guess I have said enough.

Happy birthday, Be.

I am so sorry for many things I have done to you and haven’t done for you.

You’re doing great and I believe you will keep doing so.

I wish you all the strength and resiliency you need to face everything you will meet in your life.

To call myself your mother is one of the greatest gifts life gives to me.

J.K. Rowling wrote 7 legendary books started with how it would end. So did these Seven posts. I started writing the last one for months with constant editing then slowly, the other years followed, from two short rows, to maximum characters allowed. All had been done with rigorous editing weekly.

These are absolutely set of posts written with continous tears wiping knowing this best time of life would never return. For the past few weeks (hm, ok, months), I have been silently crying knowing bidding farewell to this best period of her life, one which influence she will carry for the rest of her life, is near. I just hope I didn’t waste and miss any of it too much.

There was one night when me and her dad sat on the couch together, silently choosing some pictures. The silence broke and he said, “Aduh, jadi sedih banget, udah banyak banget yang dilewatin ya,”
Indeed.

Seven posts surely couldn’t capture the whole picture of everything that happened along these years.
Yet, it gave a glimpse of how much three of us grow for the past seven years, personally and as a family.

Reaching this big milestone safely, after doing all the best within our power, is indeed one of this year’s biggest blessing.

Previously the first year, the second year, third year, the fourth year, the fifth year.

The most transformative year.

Physically.
Mentally.
Like a caterpillar turned into a butterfly, everything was transformed beautifully, in the right time.

Above the paper, she might be delayed in some parts.

Above the paper, she is someone with disorder.

But, I finally came to understand that she, as a WHOLE human being, is not left behind and lack of something. She is always right where she is supposed to be, as she is.

She is far more capable and able beyond her label. The label only makes us understand her better. It’s not an excuse to limit her from pursuing anything. Some disorder and difficulties would never define her.

(Long story here).

Pandemic brought certain blessing in disguises. It gave us a chance to do all five times prayers for the first time, the first Ramadan fasting at home, in spite of the long hours of fasting in spring.

It was by far, one of the most peaceful Ramadans in my life.

The starting line where homeschool took over the majority of her education.

Being in-charge and having ownership to most of your child’s education according to what you value important is liberating.

A year that showed some little changes in daily routine and discipline took us higher more than the expected level.

Doing few little things daily and consistently made those years of feeling left-behind turned to some good feeling of knowing where the strengths lie.

A year when we turned our focus from what she couldn’t do or lacked of to the things that she could do so well, which, they are MANY.

It was amazing how little shift on your mindset could elevate things better, higher than expected.

For me, it was the most enjoyable year of motherhood so far. A year where I had a chance to take care of myself the best after years of being the last above everyone else at home.

A year which allowed me to return to things I love doing. To put back a heavy-reader badge on my chest. To have many conversations with myself during long walks around the beautiful city leisurely. There were periods when I felt so overwhelmed by gratitude, wondering how could this happen for so many times. Wondered how could this be real. How life suddenly became this crazy in a good way?

During my solo walking around the city, enjoying everything with my senses, I constantly reminded myself, to really remember this period, whenever bad times comes (which was certain), that life once was this beautiful.

A year full of gratitude to be granted chances to experience and learning so many new things from new people I met.

That year felt like the sweetest dessert at the end of a decade.

(Previously The first year, the second year, third year, the fourth year).

A game changer year.

It was just the right time when everything felt so frustrating. Everything done to make her language better, or in this case, sounded normal, no longer showed any progress.

Changed the therapy place and it was even worse. Never would I imagine I could throw a rage in public and felt no slightest regret doing that.It surely my frustration spoke loudly.

Read books,articles,and researches,regarding this case without no clear answer. Asked desperately in silence with tears to at least,understand what happened here.

It felt like being pushed to take a trip you didn’t have any idea about the destination so you didn’t know what to do,what to bring,and until when.

For someone who is almost always with plans,know at least a big picture of what she wants, this was depressing.

Then, it happened.

Beyond explanation.
Beyond human calculation.
Beyond the wildest imagination

He turned our world around through an email found on the spam. Would never forget the night calling from that secluded hospital said an interview had done with the person from the email.

In less than an hour,an official offer letter to work in one of specialized hospitals, exactly the subject that the doctor had been looking for in many places, landed in the email.

At first I thought,

“Is this another joke and trip into the unknown?”

But, this is why we need to believe there is a greater being who could turn our life around as easy as 1,2,3.

He moved us across the continent to answer all the questions. Mine,him,hers altogether. Years that felt like being in a dark long tunnel suddenly met the light at the end.

It was like having sudden ‘approved’, ‘approved’, ‘approved’, of many things we’d been praying for years..

Led to the answer of our many questions step by step. The answers itself were given in details, precisely, even better than the initial requests.

Requests were granted abundantly. It still gave me goosebumps to remember the way all the things came to us in this particular year.

So, always ask. Desperately. Then put your utmost trust.

The starting line of a whole new world for us.

How come it wasn’t? From secluded hospital in little vilage of Borneo to top hospital in Queen Square, from playing with friends and moms in east Jakarta to playing with The Royal of Englands in London Park..

Nice joke this time, life!

Up until yesterday, the chores that L has been doing only covered around her own things. Wash her own dishes, wash, hang, and fold her own laundry, make her bed, and tidy up her room. It’s been a while since I am thinking to upgrade her chore to involve things she does for others too.

After watching the morning flow for months, I found something that is pretty doable for her. Delegating a little of my morning task would be a good idea. It could start at the weekend only where she has more free time in the morning.

Fruit bowl is our compulsory breakfast. One third of my weekly groceries budget spent on fruits. Every morning, I make three fruit bowls for each one of us. It contains at the maximum four kind of fruits, at the beginning of the week, and two kinds at the end of the week.

So, I told her this Monday that starting this weekend, on Saturday and Sunday, she would be the one who took care of morning fruit bowls. On Friday, I asked her to write down the plan, what fruits she would put for that two days based what we had on the fridge.

The nicest thing of teaching new things to the children at her age is, they’re so eager about that. There’s no slightest rejection tone from her mouth, only excitement.

Although in practice it wasn’t as easy as it looked, but still, new experience was always exciting. She did the first days of the new job quite well.

We could consider a household like an entreprise and houseworks/chores as projects. I could consider myself as a mommy manager who is in-charge of many projects and doing the four functions of management (POAC) daily.

Now, for one little project on the weekend, I have the first three functions (planning, organizing, and acting) done by my subordinate and only in charge for the controlling part.

Thus, I don’t listen to those who said ‘what’s the degree for if you ‘just’ stay at home?’

All the learnings I had done in both of my bachelor and master degrees are aplicable in almost all situations in the daily life and I use, appy, and pass it to the one who needs it the most, very well.

Done with telling her happy experience at school yesterday , out of the blue, after some period of silence, something came from her mouth,

“When I am older, I’ll have a husband”.

(Stay calm)

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll get married and have a husband”.

(What’s with this sudden idea?)

“Wait until I park the car and we talk about this”.

Glad when this happened it was already near home. It was such a distraction during driving. Off-record convo kept going until we arrived at the parking lot.

Asked the main idea again once the engine was off.

Even asked her once again to get to know what’s her main idea to blurt out such thing suddenly.

Did I say “gentar” is the word to describe the end of the first 7 years?

This kind is one of the reasons why.

To fully accept and realize that she is no longer a little baby.

To answer many questions without preparations.

To deal with many hard conversations to come.

I don’t know whether it’s the right thing to do or not, as someone who is being next to her most of the time, I almost always take her questions seriously.

So, instead of telling her that this is not something to talk about on her age, I am more eager to know what’s on her mind and how much she could elaborate, in spite of her limitations in language and understanding.

More than worry, I was actually quite happy having this convo because this means she could talk freely about everything on her mind with me. Something that we definitely need in future years to come.

Also a reminder to not underestimate my child for something that she is capable of thinking and doing despite her age and conditions.

Like being capable of describing the qualities she wants for her future partner to the flowers she would like to have for the wedding.

May Allah grant her good wish and grant me (and her dad) more patience and better guidance to walk this journey safely.

Amin.

How I am not ready for this.

At first, the decision to send her to a non-religious school gave certain guilty feeling inside. It was among many (important) things that didn’t go according to initial plan.

But then, since when (big things in) life goes according to your plan?

Never mind. The more important thing is while the goal should be rigid, the strategy needs to be fluid.

The bright side of choosing non-religious school where religious study is not the main menu (and far from adequate), it opens many opportunities to explore other possibilities of good teachers.

Done with a Quran teacher, next searching that I have been doing for months is a (proper) Islamic teacher.

When gender is not a problem for the Quran teacher, as long as the person is qualified and speaks English well, which we go with a male teacher, for Islamic, I strictly want a female teacher.

Why female teacher? Because she will soon go to puberty, where many drastic changes would happen. A period of many turbulences which she needs someone to hold on to, to share things with other than her parents (since maybe the parents would be one that she would have conflict with), someone who understands what she has been going through, more importantly, someone with proper knowledge about the know-how according to our religion. For me, that’s one important thing that I surely couldn’t handle alone.

Been looking around, reading many profiles, did some trials and not working well, until I bumped into a good looking profile in one of the platforms on the internet.

Sent short paragraphs of introduction explained what I looked for, what kind of lesson I expect to have and the learning purpose. Explained thoroughly about her condition and my expectations.

A reply received in an instant. The conversation went well and the first meeting set up right away.

Alhamdulillah, the first lesson done as good as expected. On time, well-prepared, and I loved how the lesson delivered.

Hopefully, the relationship will be as good as the first lesson.

It takes a village to raise a child. Surround her with good and qualified teachers on the subject that we consider important and where the parents don’t have adequate knowledge about, is part of our efforts to provide proper village for her to grow.

(Switch to Bahasa mode)

Menuju periode 7 tahun kedua, hati makin berat dari sebelumnya. Kenapa? Karena sadar ilmu yang diperlukan buat menghadapi periode ini masih jauh dari cukup.

Menghadapi 7th pertama yang udah belajar teorinya jauh sebelum prakteknya aja masih banyak ‘miss’-nya. Apalagi ini, yang baru mulai ‘serius’ belajar beberapa tahun terakhir.

Di parenting Islam, 7th pertama anak adalah raja (master) yang bebas tanpa tugas, main tanpa batas, masuk ke 7th kedua anak adalah ‘slave’ (once elaborated here).

Waktu dimana sudah harus belajar disiplin, ilmu yang baik, punya kewajiban dan tanggung jawab, bahkan boleh dipukul jika umur 10 tahun tidak melaksanakan kewajibannya.

Usaha mencari guru ini yang terlihat buat ngajar anaknya, tapi tujuan utamanya adalah buat ngajarin orangtuanya. Menghadirkan guru buat anak lebih untuk supaya orangtuanya lebih punya ilmu yang benar buat menghadapi ‘battle’ yang akan lebih berat dari sebelumnya.

Seperti dokter yang harusnya lebih tau dari pasiennya, bos lebih jago dari bawahannya, masuk akal kalo tuan harus lebih pinter dari hamba sahayanya. Jadi, ngga ada cara selain belajar lebih keras dari sebelumnya. Anak-anak itu fast learner, yang lambat itu orangtuanya.

Hari-hari menuju akhir 7th pertama, hati lebih sering gentar dari sebelumnya.