Category: Maternité

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité

Midnight Rant

Posted on by arlanadya

Woke up an hour before midnight, finished the cold spaghetti in the kitchen and one full circle of donut, without second thought. Brave woman, I know.

There’s always something about December that makes you want to reflect back about what life has brought to you for the whole year. Time when you can either feel everything runs too fast or such a great year it has been.

Everything related to raising Langit, it seems running too fast. I love rewatching her old pictures and videos and couldn’t help having that sudden anxiety feeling that she has grown up a lot. I have very little regret in raising her the way I do, at least until now. For the first time in five years of motherhood, this year might be the best report card I have ever received in this jungle.

To say such statement from my own point of view sounds so subjective, right? How can you measure such statement? What evidence to support such thing?

Among many other things I am clueless and incapable about, one thing that I know for sure is I want to give all my effort, time, and energy to raise my child by my own hand. Although I am lack in many things, but at least I am her mother. The least role model she could get and see at home are only from me and her father. Up until five years, she lives by the examples of her parents. Not strangers.

Saying I have received the best report card this year because some things I have seen in her daily life that seems to be already being part of her. Nothing like prizes, measurable achievements like winning a race or anything.

They are some intangible things like the way she apologizes when she feels doing something wrong, taking care and dealing with her own school stuff in the morning and knowing that we have to be hurry or we can be late, the way she tries to make the bed before going to school, sleeping by 8 pm every day without exception, go pee and brush her teeth by herself before sleeping, offer herself to wash her own lunch boxes.

The way she is coping up with the long hours of school five days a week, scootering to school in unfriendly weather happily, the way she loves reading and writing, keep practising often on her own, the way she hold herself from something that she is not allowed to, like eating chips other than weekend and always ask permission when she wants to do that, the way she always says thank you to the bus driver after getting off from the bus, the way she deals with a long day trip by scootering in freezing weather, which surely was totally uncomfortable, the way she eats properly with any kind of food served on her plate. We had Thai food for lunch and Libanais for the dinner on our Oxford trip, and she did them all without any signs of dislike. Raising a non-picky eater is one of my motherhood highlight so far.

It seems like a long list of small unimportant things right? But, it matters a lot for me because those are things that I consider important and want my child to master in her early age. Small things that mean a lot for the future years to come.

I believe we could never master big things when we never be able to accomplish the small ones. It’s the small habits in daily life that become our character. It’s those things you get from home since the very beginning. Things that can only be nurtured by the primary caregiver on early years of life at home. You can pay others to teach reading, writing, counting or any other skills by having twice a week lesson. But, no amount of money could do and any places to be to plant and grow such small habits other than at home.

Like the content in my bussiness development subject, to produce the product that you desire to have and to be, it’s strongly suggested that you go through all the process on your own. You decide the raw materials, the tools needed, the way to make it, and production timeline. Like four POAC steps in management, from planning, organizing, actuating and controlling, it’s you that should be fully in charged. You can outsource some parts, it’s unavoidable, no bussiness can survive alone, but, make sure you follow through the whole process. Even by doing all of that, it doesnt mean your product would be accepted by the market right away. It takes error and trial also a long journey to finally make a succesful product. You can define the characteristics of your own succesful product.

I guess that goes the same in raising a child.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Five Thoughts on the Fifth Years.

Posted on by arlanadya

1. Since the day she was born
until she rides the scooter on her own,
it’s been a constant reminder that no matter what kind of shit thrown,
we’ll be never left (and walk) alone.

We are Liverpool.

2. Motherhood so far is the longest full time job I have survived.

It’s also the only one I would like to sign up.

3. Like the five brownies and five taste of macarons, it’s been sweet colorful years with her.

Like the five pieces of fruit in the stick shared with the friends, we should bite the most sour raspberry on ţhe top first, followed by less sour blueberry until we can taste the sweetness of the grape.

It’s kind of life I pray for her.

4. Most of the time, we’ll only get what we ask for.

Always ask carefully.

5. Stay healthy, be kind, and forever happy.

Happy birthday, Langit Senja.

Posted in Books, Maternité, Review, Thoughts

Parenting Around the World

Posted on by arlanadya

I am not a big fan of parenting seminar, but easily sold to well-written parenting books. While seminar is mostly sound like preaching, these books provide not only opinion but with fact and data, research results from journal or real experience to support their writing. I have finished all these five books and so eager to write about this.

European countries have almost similar pattern and idea in raising their child. They didn’t even know before that their country parenting way existed until four American Parents did some researches, observed things,interviewed the experts, compared some studies, then published their findings into an enjoyable reading (for me).

Although there were some minor differences, but they all agree on few big ideas from the very beginning : raising a self-reliance child, the importance of playing, social skills, basic values and character development over cognitive in early years. Those are some of important skills to master that lead to many things in the child future years such as lower chance of depression and anxiety, emotional stability, resiliency, and higher chance of being a happy adult, which also linked to the result of a happy parent.

Soothing himself to sleep and sleeping all through the night, is the first and foremost skill a baby has to master as soon as 3 months, at the very late at 6 months, no matter what kind of feeding (breastfeed or bottlefeed). All four books agree with this. Mastering sleeping is more crucial than stimulating any skills in the early months.

Eating habit becomes crucial especially for French and Dutch. Children eat what is served, any kind of food, and sit on the table. In Dutch, no one is eating until every family member sits on the table and they have chocolate sprinkles for breakfast. Meanwhile in France, even babies learn to differentiate and taste many kind of cheese since early years. No wonder when it comes to food, French is quite snob.

These two basic habits are important for the baby to set a routine and schedule. Mastering both make days easier.

French and German send their children to a whole-day daycare since early age. ‘La creche’ in France and ‘Kita’ in German are available free for all children, not only as a choice for working parents. Meanwhile most of the Dutch preferred the children to be with their parents.

All four let their child wander around alone in the playground, go to school by their bike or bus from the first grade, and decided what they want to learn since daycare days.

The Danes put strong emphasize on free playing for the first seven years of a child’s life. Playground time is crucial because it’s where the children learn about empathy, patience, and social skill. Lego was made by the Danes, which derived from the word “leg and godt” means “play well”. Children creates their own playing, even without the toys, and outdoor play is a must, in spite of season or weather. They believe there’s no bad weather, only bad clothing.

While French and German are more to stiff and rigid parents, the Dutch and Danes are more relax and fun. France and Germany primary schools are still heading to academic excellence while Denmark and the Netherland see school as a place for personal development training and social skills, without giving so much stress to the academic achievement.

These writers compared how different Americant parents raised their child. Kindergarten is the new first grade, a short recess time to play outside, mastering skills over growing values for the first seven years, cognitive development is a king until Vygotsky came up with what he called by “American Question” : “When will my child master… (insert skill : reading, writing, counting)?

The famous American Tiger Mom raised her two daughters in total opposite of how those European parents did. Bien sur, with more tangible and measurable result too.

“European parents main concern is for their children to be happy and find a community that they feel at home in. The main concern of American parents is for their kids to become successful in life”.

(We can replace American with some asian countries too).

————————————————

European parents are lucky because they live where the whole country raise their children together. Their parenting curriculum is clear and one for all. Saying Bonjour for French becomes a national curriculum that should be achieved by everyone. Also, they have many things to make raising a child easier.

From birth child support, free health care and daycare for all children as small as 18 months to 6 years, paid maternity and paternity leave, shorter working hours, long vacation days, big and proper playground everywhere, the society who put pedestrians and bikers before four wheel rider, no long hours to commute from home to work, one single national curriculum for the whole country.

While on the other side of the continent, the situation is pretty much different. Those luxuries might not be available for everyone, and the struggle is undeniably harder. When European works to live, most of American (and Indonesian) lives to work. No wonder an American writer countered the idea by writing an article : “French parents are not superior, they just have it all easier”. French is one of the countries with most vacations day.

—————————————–

As much as I agree, enjoy, and have been applying few things even before reading the European ones, half of me stand on American side too and it’s great to know how both ways are aligned with Islamic parenting way.

When I was doing my final paper for master degree, I found an article about how Islam divides parenting in three big periods.

Taken from http://islam-today.co.uk/parenting-the-islamic-way :

The Holy Prophet(s), in a beautiful narration, has divided the upbringing of a child into three stages; from birth to age 21 :

“The child is the master for seven years, a slave for seven years and a vizier for seven years. So, if he grows into a good character within 21 years, well and good; otherwise, leave him alone because you have discharged your responsibility before God.”

The first stage is so aligned with European way. Up to seven, a child is a king. What he needs to do is play, no responsibility. The utmost priority is proper upbringing and character building. It’s the foundation of everything that he becomes of in the future. Universally good character should be planted before anything else.

Then, at the second stage, he is a slave. It’s when American style is suitable for this period to emphasize formal learning, academic or any talent skills. It becomes clear why salat also becomes compulsory when the child turns seven and should be punished if he doesn’t do it until the age of 10. Being a tiger parent is allowed on this stage.

I won’t go further with the third stage since I just want to point how Islamic parenting aligned with both European and American. I think the third stage is about the time the child and parents ‘see and enjoy’ the results of their upbringing from the first two periods. It’s when a child is a vizier, or in more a familiar word is minister. It’s the time when the child starts leading himself, know his preferency, and the parents need to be there as an advisor until the time he reaches official adult age.

———————————————-

I believe parenting is not a noun, but more to a verb, which full of hard works. As a mother who raises a daughter without my mother around, I have a lot of questions that I want to know the answer, reading so far has been a good teacher for me.

In term of the writing style, Bringing Up Bebe is the most enjoyable one. Witty, funny, and examples given feel right. Also maybe because I was raised this way and naturally, raising Langit this way too as I wrote It’s Matched!

The Happiest Kids in the World is an easy and light reading. A Battle Hymn is very well written and couldn’t help feeling the same high tension while reading it as how tense Amy Chua raised her daughters.

One of the perks of moving to London that I love the most : library with good books is only few bus stops away and time and energy for reading is widely available. Another thing I will miss when I return to Jakarta.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Lima Huruf J

Posted on by arlanadya

Dari beberapa bulan lalu, ada satu huruf yang Langit susah sekali bisa biarpun (menurut kita) gampang. Di sesi belajar pertama, sampe frustrasi ngajarin 30 menit sendiri satu huruf ini kok ngga bisa-bisa. Sepele cuma karena salah madepnya. Suara dua gurunya udah naik, muridnya juga udah (mau) nangis dan emang nangis sampe sempet ngga mau sama sekali coba lagi setelahnya.

Selang beberapa hari dicoba lagi dengan iming-iming satu mainan yang udah lama dibeli (dan ngga boleh dibuka) tapi masih disimpen di lemari, dengan syarat buat 5 huruf ini dengan benar. Tetap ngga berhasil.

Kita ngga maksa lagi. Tapi ternyata anaknya tetep inget. Sering sekali tanpa disuruh dia buat sendiri di kertas dan kasih liat yang sayangnya masih salah terus. Dimana ada kertas kosong tiba-tiba buat huruf J, dan minta mainannya, yang tentu saja ngga dikasih. Pernah satu kali hampir bener semua, salah di yang terakhir, hati hampir goyah tapi alhamdulillah otaknya ngga.

Setelah lama ngga coba, hari ini, tiba-tiba dia ambil buku pelajarannya sendiri, dan nunjukin udah buat 5 huruf J (yang masih salah juga). Kali ini dia ngga mundur. Ngga berenti coba biarpun udah dibilang besok-besok lagi aja.

Di percobaan kesekian kali akhirnya 5 huruf J berhasil dibuat tanpa salah, dengan rapi. Dan juga berhasil disimpan di memori dengan baik.

Saya ngga tau siapa yang lebih seneng di sini. Mukanya hepi sekali. Apapun alesan dibaliknya, seneng sekali liat dia terus berusaha tanpa berhenti dan ngejalanin menunggu dengan baik.

Seperti yang sudah berulang kali saya tulis, menunggu itu skill wajib yang semua anak harus kuasai sejak dari kecil. Hal kecil yang dampaknya besar sekali. Ini bukan sekedar kepercayaan saya, tapi sudah terbukti di satu negara yang menjadikan menunggu sebagai salah satu kurikulum terpenting yang harus dikuasai sejak seorang anak dilahirkan. Saya sedang baca bukunya dan suka sekali dengan isinya. Mungkin karena benar-benar menggambarkan apa yang selama ini kami terapkan ke Langit.

Dari hal sekecil menulis huruf J bisa terlihat, ternyata ngga bisa itu wajar, ngga mencoba itu fatal. Sekali gagal biasa, coba sampe bisa ngga peduli berapa lama, itu juara.

Selamat menikmati hadiah menunggu!

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité

Bedak di Kasur

Posted on by arlanadya

Hari Minggu lalu, jam lima pagi, tiba-tiba ada suara dari kamar mandi yang buat saya bangun.

Tenang, bukan (cerita) hantu kok.

Suara shower dari kamar mandi agak lama baru berhenti, disusul suara flush toilet. Setelahnya ada suara laci baju dibuka. Nunggu beberapa lama, ngga ada yang dateng ke kamar saya. Tapi ya sudah, karena lagi ngga solat, lanjut tiduran lagi bentar.

Beberapa menit kemudian bangun dan nengok ke kamar sebelah. Liat yang punya kamar udah bangun dan langsung duduk begitu liat saya dengan mata yang awas.

Saya mendekat ke tempat tidurnya dan liat ada pulau yang sudah ditaburi bedak di atasnya,

“Ngompol ya?”

“Iya, ga papa ya,ya, ya?”

Kalo ketauan reaksi pertama pasti ngomel. Ya gimana, orang selalu disuruh pipis dulu sebelum tidur dan anak ini selalu males buat pipis😔

Tapi, liat semua yang sudah dia lakukan sendiri buat mengatasi masalah yang dia buat, rasa pengen ngomel jadi kalah sama bangga (dan kasian).

Dalam keadaan seluruh rumah gelap, dia berusaha lawan rasa takutnya ke kamar mandi, ganti piyama nya dan piyama lama di taro di baskom rendeman. Setelahnya spot basahnya dia taburin bedak kaya yang biasa saya lakukan sebelum dijemur atau diganti spreinya.

Sesuatu yang saya ngga nyangka anak 4 tahun bisa kerjakan sendiri.

Ngga ada yang susah sebenernya, tapi inisiatif dia buat bertanggung jawab untuk merapikan ‘chaos’ yang sudah dia kerjakan, semampunya dia, itu priceless sekali.

Clean up our own mess is something that everyone should do. Literal mess or unliteral one.

Semoga hal kecil ini jadi modal yang baik buat hal-hal yang lebih besar di depan.

Semoga di atas semua kekurangan kecil di atas kertasnya, saya bisa menghargai kelebihan – kelebihan besar yang kasat mata.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Sekolah Banyak PR

Posted on by arlanadya

Tumben (lagi) sering nulis.

Iya lagi pengen.

Empat tahun sekolah di bidang orang tua dan ibu, semakin sadar kalo jadi keduanya itu banyak sekali pra syarat yang sebaiknya terpenuhi sebelum ‘daftar’. Ngga bilang harus tapi sebaiknya.

Di sekolah ini, PRnya banyak dan ngga semuanya bisa dikerjakan (sendiri). African proverb yang bilang it takes a village to raise a child benar sekali.

Buat ngerjain semua PR di sekolah ini, akan lebih mudah kalo pra-syarat yang dibutuhkan sudah tersedia. Baik dalam bentuk mental, skill atau materi. Tanpa ada gabungan ketiganya bisa ngga PRnya selesai?

Bisa, dengan standar yang beda-beda. Tapi, seperti di sekolah pada umumnya, harus ada standar minimum yang harus terpenuhi, berlaku sama buat setiap anak. Standar kelulusan minimal 70 atau C. Menurut saya, ini yang juga harus dicapai di sekolah (jadi) orang tua.

Di buku Raising a Bébénya Pamela Druckerman, orang tua Prancis punya standar tertentu yang hal tersebut bahkan sudah dianggap seperti kurikulum nasional, yaitu menyapa orang dengan Bonjour. Itu hal wajib yang harus diajarkan dan dilakukan. Kalo anak tidak melakukan hal tersebut, itu tolak ukur yang jelas untuk mencap bahwa dia tidak mengerti sopan santun. Kasta bonjour ini jauh sekali di atas mengucapkan terima kasih dan maaf, atau tolong. Hal kecil dan sesederhana ini, ketika semua orang melakukan dan ditekankan betapa pentingnya hal tersebut, akhirnya jadi karakter bangsa. Dan, menurut saya, dari hal kebiasaan kecil ini, tumbuh juga karakter-karakter lain yang lebih besar.

Setiap rumah pasti punya hal-hal baik yang ditekankan dan saya percaya, setiap orangtua berusaha untuk ngajarin itu. Cuma memang membiasakan sesuatu itu sulit sekali. Butuh komitmen dan kesabaran yang tinggi karena hasilnya ngga pernah instan dan kadang ngga semua hal yang seharusnya diajarkan dan dicapai oleh seorang anak bisa kepegang. Bahkan untuk hal paling basic sekalipun. Setidaknya yang orang pada umumnya menganggap hal tersebut sudah seharusnya ada. Kalo itu absen dari seorang anak, jelas PR orang tua dan lingkungannya, kecuali, memang ada keterbatasan dari segi fisik atau mental dari segi medis. Tapi disini asumsinya adalah anak normal pada umumnya.

Ketika satu hal absen dari anak, hal yang ngga bisa dihindari adalah penilaian dari orang-orang. Kita semua pasti ada di dua belah pihak. Menghakimi dan dihakimi. Oke, mungkin diperhalus, menilai dan dinilai.

Seperti saya menilai anak yang sifatnya kurang menyenangkan, yang mana dampaknya bukan cuma ke dirinya sendiri tapi sampai taraf menggangu kenyamanan orang lain. Di satu titik, bahkan cenderung jahat.

Saya ngga bisa tidak menghakimi orang tuanya bahwa PR mereka cukup banyak untuk memperbaiki hal tersebut. Apalagi ketika itu sudah bersinggungan dengan dan menggangu orang lain. Saya ngga bisa tidak nanya dalam hati, emang ngga diajarin ya, emang ngga tau kalo itu salah dan sebagainya. Masa hal basic kaya gitu bisa ngga ditekankan pentingnya. Tapi, sebagai orangtua, menerima kalo kita salah, apalagi dikritik tentang cara didik anak sendiri, juga ngga kalah sulitnya.

Saya pun merasa jadi pihak yang dihakimi ketika seorang guru di kelas bilang selama di kelas, anak saya cenderung suka sibuk sendiri, susah fokus meskipun ketika ditanya dia selalu bisa jawab. Juga tentang kemampuan bersosialisasinya yang kurang. Saya ngga menyangkal semua hal tersebut karena memang benar. Gurunya mungkin juga berasumsi hal-hal tersebut ngga cukup dilatih di rumah.

Tapi, untuk hal ini saya merasa perlu menjelaskan kenapa dan apa yang sudah dilakukan tanpa bermaksud membela diri. Soal fokus saya jelaskan tentang masalah Langit dan usaha yang dilakukan untuk mengatasi hal tersebut dengan harapan meskipun agak sulit, tapi setidaknya gurunya tau cerita dibaliknya sehingga pemahaman tentang anak bisa lebih baik. Saya juga minta maaf karena ‘menggangu’ kenyamanan gurunya.

Saya pernah beberapa kali ada di posisi Langit dan ibu saya ngga pernah diem kalo soal ini. Salah satu yang paling saya inget ini.

Guru piano di tingkat 6 saya super galak dan saya juga bukan murid yang pinter untuk standar sekolah musik itu. Kalo orang tua lain, tiap anaknya les pasti jauh-jauh supaya ngga denger anaknya dimarahin, ibu saya milih untuk dengerin di bawah jendela. Sampai di satu titik guru saya udah ngga tahan kali ya kok saya ngga bisa-bisa menurut standarnya dia, dan bilang dengan lugas ke ibu saya,

“Saya ngga pernah punya murid sebodoh dan semalas ini”.

Lugas dan tegas. Guru itu bilang saya bodoh. Males. Kurang apa coba.

Hahahaha, pas jadi anak sih saya biasa aja ya. Ya emang ngga bisa. Udah kenyang juga dimarahin. Tapi, abis jadi ibu, saya baru kebayang gimana perasaan ibu saya diomongin gitu di depan mukanya.

Biasanya abis dimarahin guru, trus lanjut dimarahin ibu saya. Tapi di hari itu, ibu saya jawab dengan lugas,

“Ibu mungkin bener kalo bilang anak saya bodoh. Tapi, saya keberatan kalo dia dibilang malas”.

Ibu saya jelasin panjang lebar apa yang sudah dilakukan. Gimana dia setiap hari bangunin saya jam tiga pagi, bikinin susu supaya saya bisa latihan sebelum subuh dan berangkat sekolah dan saya pun emang latihan setiap hari sepagi itu karena sore abis pulang sekolah udah capek. Malem kadang latihan juga sebentar.

Ibu saya ngerasa perlu melakukan itu bukan untuk membela saya (apalagi kalo emang ga pantes dibela), tapi orang perlu tau kalo kita juga melakukan sesuatu untuk mengatasi masalah tersebut dan penting sekali buat meluruskan kesalahpahaman. Dia juga minta maaf kalo saya ngerepotin.

Guru saya punya tiga murid kelas 6 yang nasibnya ditentukan di satu hari ujian, lulus lanjut atau keluar. Dia sering bilang dengan jelas, dari tiga murid kelas enamnya, cuma dua yang akan lulus. Gopas pasti lulus tanpa ke tingkat pra, Dini lulus ke tingkat pra, dan yang satu kemungkinan ngga bisa lulus dan tau siapa yang dimaksud dengan yang terakhir.

Tapi, sejak hari ibu saya bicara panjang lebar ke guru saya, sikapnya berubah. ‘Mindsetnya’ pun saya rasa berubah.

Saya masih inget itu bulan april 1998, kalo ngga salah tanggal 24 hari sabtu. Hari pengumuman kelulusan, saya ngga ikut karena sekolah siang, ibu saya pulang, dari dia di mobil muka saya udah tegang nanya gimana. Tapi dia bilang ntar tunggu masukin mobil dulu. Abis turun langsung nangis meluk saya bilang saya lulus.

Prediksi guru saya dua pertiga benar, yaitu cuma dua yang lulus dan Gopas langsung lulus tanpa lewat tingkat pra. Sepertiganya ibu saya yang menang. Karena yang lulus ke tingkat Pra bukan Dini, tapi saya.

Sampai saya lulus tingkat akhir empat tahun kemudian, meskipun udah ngga ngajar saya lagi, guru saya selalu ada di balik pintu setiap saya ujian akhir. Dia dengerin dari awal sampe akhir.

Hal kecil yang ibu saya lakukan dampaknya besar sekali. Itu yang menurut saya ngga semua orang tua punya skill dan mentalnya. Termasuk saya mungkin. Bahkan ngga semuanya tau hal-hal (penting) tersebut. Tau aja ngga, apalagi mencapai hal tersebut.

Dan itulah PR yang harus terus dikerjain. Males sih emang kadang, abis susah, hahaha.

Tapi, kalo liat taruhannya di masa depan, tetap ngerjain PR adalah hal yang paling gampang dilakukan di saat ini.

Semoga selalu diberi kesabaran dan waktu yang cukup. Amin.

Al fatihah buat ibu saya yang karena dia, saya jadi tau harus (berusaha) jadi ibu seperti apa.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

Teaching Patience to Find The Right One and Doing The Right Thing

Posted on by arlanadya

Impatient is my middle name when it comes to deal with (certain) small things. I always want to do it as soon as possible. Like finishing all the chores before lazying around, unpack the luggage until it’s safely restored to its place right after arrived home from travelling (even after 17 hours flight), love rushing things to get them done as soon as possible. But, funnily, it’s not applicable for doing monthly report. I don’t know why for this one, procrastinate has always been chosen.

Being impatient also becomes my strength and weakness in parenting. Thanks to this trait, I always left my house tidily before going out every morning. No dishes left on the sink. Langit could never leave home with an empty stomach and unbathed, even when we have six am flight. But, what I haven’t been so proud is the way I am doing it.

I couldn’t stand watching her chewing the food slowly, dress herself with so many things to do in between, doh, it makes my voice raise. I walk fast and she has to catch me often. I am the type of continously babbling mother when something doesn’t suit my way.

There were few recent situations that slapped me quite much. Some situations where it is clearly shown that parents are often so selfish. And it makes me wonder, what I have been doing as a mother other than scolding and asking her to do things?

Yesterday, I needed to buy a pair of shoes. I have been looking for it for days and still havent got the right one. My small feet is quite complicated. Having 35 shoes size is not normal here and for formal shoes, it’s pretty hard to find that size. I am quite desperate about this one due to certain family wedding in few weeks, and I think I don’t have a proper shoes that go well with the attire.

Other than the size, what makes it more complicated is my other term and condition which said it should be wearable daily after the wedding. So, rather than a selop, I want a black suede high heels, high enough to look good in kain, short and comfortable enough to use daily. To make it fussier, price is limited to certain range.

Ninety percents of my formal shoes are all european brands. Gabor, Bally, and two less famous names purchased in Paris. It’s simply because they have 35 size in their catalog and such brands couldn’t be found just anywhere. Only in specific shopping centres in the south. I couldn’t wait until next week because the traffic would be so unbearable after payday. So, yesterday was non-negotiable. For me who doesn’t like shopping around, more, going far just for a pair of shoes, this one must be that important and desperate.

Things often got so twisted when you want something the most. Right after arrived there, Metro was closed for renovation until June and the only option was Sogo. But, I know Sogo didn’t offer as many choices as Metro. The first round, several pairs caught my attention, tried it,but not that convincing to bring it to the cashier.

After some considerations, I decided to cross the street and looked for some alternatives in the next shopping centre. It was funnier that the very same thing happened here. Debenhams was no longer there, Sogo wasn’t there too and said they’ve been preparing for an re-opening in few months. It was a bit sad but my spirit and hope were still high. I returned to the first mall and visited Sogo once more, hoping this time the result might be different. Because I always believe, you might miss something on the first chance. That’s why second chance is always available in my dictionary.

But, sadly, the result didn’t change at all. After spent almost three hours, I decided to drive to another nearest Sogo. Things I do for something I really want.

It was at least a good choice to go before payday because the traffic was soo nice, that really kept my spirit high, haha. In twenty minutes, I had arrived to next Sogo. What made the spirit was even higher, this Sogo was much bigger and had more options. There would be at least one pair that suited my preference. I also had bargaining my self about the price. As long as it comfortable, a bit higher from the budget would be okay, knowing it would last longer too.

The hope was slowly getting lower when after few laps of searching in almost every table and brand available, many trials this and that, the right one was still nowhere to be found. Sometimes the size,sometimes the price, or sometime when the size and the price fit, it hurt and pressed the toes umcomfortably while wearing it.

It was a bit frustrating until at certain point I told my self, “come on, just settle for less with the closest suitable one. We have spent too much time on this. Just choose one”.

But then, just like what I had told my self and also for Langit later about marriage, I can’t settle for less. It’s better to wait longer and staying without it than settle for less just because you have to do it. Even when you are desperate enough.

I left another Sogo empty handed.

Gave up? Not yet.

I decided to find women shoes corridor stores and tried to find the one in every store. Then, the wait was finally over. I found the right one in the most unexpected place. Just as precise as I really wanted.

A simple black suede with proper heels 35 size shoes. Fit my feet beautifully, meet my budget perfectly.

I wore it right after asar prayer and it didn’t hurt at all. The right shoes won’t hurt your feet. A bit tiring about the heels maybe unavoidable, but it wont give any harms.

That is just like when you’re marrying the right person on the right time.

Now, the question is : who was the most patient one in this process?

I wasn’t. Langit was.

I was surely patient since I was the one who had the urge. But Langit had no advantage at all.

She had been following me since morning, taking care some works too before shoes searching, then stopped by at my father’s house after that. We just arrived home around 8 pm. Almost twelve hours outside and no single frowning and nagging along that time.

If I were her, I would have been lying on the mall floor and nagging my parents to go home after three hours. Just like what I did during her first field trip few weeks ago. I withdrew and asked permission to leave early after survived the crowd and the noise for four hours and took her home.

I apologized to her few times yesterday when she looked tired, but she coped up with that quite well. She tried many women shoes too, played with her toys, even tried several kids shoes on the last store when I found the one. The eyes said she wanted them too but since she knew and being told that she had her new shoes recently, she didn’t nag further.

When we arrived home, she asked me quietly, “can I have some chips? Satu aja,”. She asked for some Pringles chips she got from birthday goody bag that I have kept. It was reachable enough for her to take it, and it was actually hers too, but I banned her from eating it much. One until three pieces per two or three days would be fine but not everyday. She asked me on Friday and Saturday and I said no. I couldn’t say no for what she had been through yesterday. So, permission granted.

I was busy taking care of clean laundry at rooms while she was watching and munching on the couch at the living room. After few minutes, when I was almost done with all the stuff and remembered to check her to make sure she didn’t keep eating it, I saw her just watching with the tiny piece of pringles on her hand.

She didn’t hold the tube at all. The pringles can was on the same place as I put it. It means, she just took few of those. And judging from the short interval time from asking permission until I watched her, she might really take it one single chip as she told me.

(Updated : two days later she asked me again for another chip. She said one. This time I really watched her and it still surprised me that she really took literally one then returned the tube to its original place. After that, she ate the chips little by little. But never asked for more).

I am a bit ashamed to say I am really proud of her.

Being a geographically single parent for a year, surely took so much patience and I have done it well, but compared to this little girl, my patience level is still too low.

Glad we safely and sanely passed this one year.

I wont stop being impatient after this writing for sure, but hopefully being a bit more mindful about something that deserves being fussed.

Like just what I did before finished this writing.

Scolding her for breaking another plate. Not much, just enough.

Sigh.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

School is (finally) Cool

Posted on by arlanadya

Next Monday will be the beginning of Langit’s new adventure in a new place called school. A real school life. After postponed school for some time, she finally shows us that she is ready for that.

I once wrote about school is not cool and it was almost two years ago. Right after that not too pleasant experience, Langit had lots of chances to see the world and had been going places a lot. They were surely more interesting school for her. From Paris, London, Manchester, Liverpool, Tokyo, Solo, Jogja, Surabaya, until Tanah Bumbu. She survived long haul flights well, enjoy lots of new tastes in many places she visited, played in many playgrounds and beautiful gardens, traveling to lots of new places at such young age.

At the beginning of this year, after several meetings with pediatrician, she started her therapy sessions twice a week. This session actually feels more like a private playing lesson. Unlike our previous experience, which made the heart feel so heavy everytime we had a class, this one is a light-hearted one. So grateful that she gets a very kind facilitator to play with for an hour. It’s been seven months and we plan to keep coming.

On May, we enrolled her in a daycare nearby once a week. We try to put and expose her to a larger group. Eventhough it’s only once a week for six hours, she gets enough experience to interact with other children and we’ve been through it with almost zero drama like crying when I left her, etc. She’s been spending six hours there pretty well.

Guess it’s true. When the child is ready, she will be truly ready.

We finally came up with decision about which school to go last May too. After lots of school visits, paying registration fees to some schools, we decided to send her to the very first school we visit. It feels good because I am an avid believer that the first answer is rarely wrong.

It’s a quite new school, still trying to gain new students, and unlike many other parents who prefer the more established one, we choose this school.

We love its big and wide playground with lots of toys. A swimming pool is there too. It’s located inside a housing residence, far from busy road. I once also had a doubt about sending her to less known school, but after what we’ve been through in these past six months, we finally came to a conclusion that we need people who’s willing to understand her and some environment where she could show something that she’s good at.

I found this willingness in the school principle character. A middle-age kind lady who’s been pretty helpful and shows that Langit’s English speaking preference will be fine here and it’s just matter of time when she could acquire bahasa Indonesia as well as her English. Apart from the fact they are still trying to get students, but it’s quite soothing knowing the teachers themselves are eager to help. I once wrote about how I wish to meet this kind of teacher for Langit  like one in the article of this The World Against (Y)Our Introverted-Child.

We told the pricipal that we don’t expect much as long as she is happy to be there, eager to join her friends sometimes and do what the teacher told her to. In fact, we have already mentioned that we prefer letting her stay another year in kindergarten when she is not ready for elementary.

There is possibility that we might be wrong, but hopefully we won’t be or at least, whatever wrongs that will come in the future, it’s all repairable.

I have been praying a lot the same and usual pray that I always recite whenever coming to a new place. For us to meet the kind one. It has been always answered and hopefully this time will too.

Sending my little girl to her first world out there after keeping her safely 24/7 for 3,5 years are surely scary.

Goodluck, baby.

Be ready, mommy.

Bismillah.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

Lazy Parenting

Posted on by arlanadya

Found an article this morning that led me to two other articles that speak what I feel and have been doing for these 3,5 motherhood years.

Never know this term does exist and couldn’t be happier it does exist and there’s nothing wrong with that. Guilt is motherhood bestfriend and to be freed at least a bit from that is relieving.

As the article says :

Lazy parenting is about intentionally providing your child with opportunities to develop a sense of self-efficacy, which in turn will bolster confidence, independence, and responsibility. It’s about mindfully stepping back to allow your child to struggle on their own for a minute rather than rushing in and rescuing. It’s about letting your child find out just how much they are capable of. And they actually are capable of a lot!

It explains things Langit can do at her age like dealing with her bathroom stuff by herself like pee, brushing her teeth, and sometimes bathing herself with my supervision.

She takes care her own dirty laundry, wet towel, as well as dress and undress herself.

She helps herself to prepare her own cup and put a bit of sugar when she feels like drinking hot tea, pour water when she wants to drink, or getting some snack she would like to eat.

She chooses her own clothes, from undies until the outer, wear herself the socks and shoes and she loves walking too.

I have no one to help in taking care of her, more with the doctor is being far away, it’s even less help at home. I need to make her do her own things, at her capacity, to make my daily life a bit easier.

In general, intentionally lazy parenting is the shift in thinking from, “I need to move in and fix this for my kid” to, “I need to step back and see if my kid can manage this on their own. It might take longer and be messier, but if they can do it themselves, then they should.”

Whole-heartedly agree with the statement. If it’s something that the child can do herself, then they should do it herself. Help once or twice would be fine, let them do it alone next time.

Raising my daughter without my mother taught me that parents wouldn’t always be present for their children. There are lots of time when we should deal with things on our own as a child. Such ability is not innate, it should be taught properly and it starts by dealing with the simplest thing in the child’s daily life.

I remember about writing this previously about Lima Beda Tentang Langit.

Thank you for showing up with these articles, mother.ly.

Full article could be read here :

https://www.mother.ly/life/im-a-lazy-parent-and-proud-of-it?utm_source=huffingtonpost

https://www.mother.ly/child/what-is-lazy-parenting-and-should-you-try-it

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Review

Konsul Tumbuh Kembang di Brawijaya Clinic Kemang

Posted on by arlanadya

Tulisan pertama di tahun ini.

Mau sedikit cerita tentang judul di atas, dianggep review juga boleh.

Perkembangan bahasa Langit agak lambat dibanding perkembangan lainnya dan kemampuan dia menyerap bahasa Inggris berapa kali lebih cepat dibanding bahasa Indonesianya. Lagu pertama yang bisa dihafal sampai selesai itu Moon Rivernya Frank Sinatra, karena orangtuanya juga suka banget.

Di umur yang sekarang ini, berhitung, nama benda, hewan, buah, dsb, hafalan surat pendek, doa sehari-hari, dia hafal dengan cepat. Kemampuan meniru katanya cukup bagus. Cara melafal dalam bahasa Inggris lebih mantep dibanding bahasa Indonesia. Soal perbendaharaan kata insya Allah aman. Yang jadi permasalahan adalah kemampuan dia merangkai kalimat dan ekspresif dalam berbicara.

Banyak hal yang bisa jadi penyebab dia agak sulit merangkai kata. Paling pertama adalah kita yang emang kasih gadget dimana tontonan yang dia liat sehari-hari emang kebanyakan bahasa Inggris. Walaupun komunikasi di rumah hampir seluruhnya dalam bahasa Indonesia, tapi mungkin banyak kata yang lebih mudah diucapkan dalam bahasa Inggris, yang biasanya hanya punya satu suku kata.

Faktor lain bisa jadi karena di rumah juga sepi dan Langit dikelilingi oleh orang-orang yang juga ngga banyak bicara.

Kita sempat ikutin sekolah bermain waktu dia umur 1,5 taun dan kurang berhasil buat dia dan kita sebagai orangtua. Anaknya belum siap,  begitupun orangtuanya. Tiap waktunya sekolah saya kaya punya hutang. Ngga nyaman sama sekali.

Usia 2 tahun kurang 2 bulan, kita mutusin untuk konsul ke dokter tumbuh kembang. Karena di Sam Marie belum ada, DSAnya merujuk ke salah satu dokter spesialis tumbuh kembang. Ketemu pertama kali dengan dr. Bernie langsung suka, kaya pertama kali ketemu dengan DSAnya Langit.  Waktu itu di klinik Brawijaya FX Sudirman yang sekarang ternyata sudah tutup dan pindah ke UOB Plaza.

Hasil konsul yang pertama dari dr. Bernie adalah kalo Langit masih dalam ambang batas wajar. Belom perlu terapi apapun, lebih banyak diekspos dengan kata-kata dan bicara dengan orang. Setelah dari dokter, perbendaharaan katanya memang naik drastis banget. Banyak banget kata-kata baru yang keluar dan itu melegakan sekali.

Ketika hampir tiga tahun dan kita udah mulai memikirkan masuk sekolah, dengan tau kemampuan Langit dalam merangkai kata dengan kasual belum terlihat, kita akhirnya mutusin untuk konsul sekali lagi. Langit bisa merangkai dua sampe tiga kata cuma dalam bahasa formal. Bukan bahasa percakapan. Kita ngerasa ini udah waktunya ditanyakan kembali. Setelah satu taun lebih, kita ketemu dengan dr Bernie lagi. Kali ini di Brawijaya Clinic Kemang.

Buat yang tinggal di Jakarta Timur, jaraknya cukup jauh kalo ngga mau bilang jauh banget. Kalimalang-kemang itu kalo bukan karena sesuatu yang penting dan krusial, ngga akan dijalanin.

Pertama kali dateng, langsung sreg. Karena : SEPI! Saya terus terang ngga pernah bisa nyaman sama apapun jenis RS atau klinik yang lobinya aja udah rame. Kaya RSIA yang di Menteng. Ke rumah sakit atau dokter aja udah bikin gelisah, tempat yang rame bikin saya makin ngga nyaman.

Lobbynya ada beberapa sofa dan disediakan snack dan minuman dingin yang bisa diambil buat yang nunggu. Kliniknya ngga besar, cuma ada lobi utama, turun ke bawah setengah tangga ada ruang konsul dan terapi, naik dari lobi utama setengah tangga juga ada ruang konsul lainnya. Karena ini klinik, jadi praktek dokternya pun juga terbatas. Selain dokter anak, ada dokter umum, obgyn, penyakit dalam, kulit, dan gigi. Kurang lebihnya sama menunya kaya di Sam Marie Basra. Cuma kalo Sam Marie jualannya lebih ke masalah kandungan dan fertilitas, di Brawijaya Klinik Kemang lebih lengkap di bagian pediatri.

Masuk ke ruangan konsulnya, ternyata kita langsung konsul ke dua dokter sekaligus. Dr Bernie untuk masalah tumbuh kembangnya, dr. Amandeni untuk bagian rehab medik yang menentukan terapi yang sesuai untuk anak atau justru tidak memerlukan terapi.

Ruang konsulnya lebih mirip playground kecil ya. Duduknya di matras, banyak mainan, dua dokternya juga megang papan jalan buat nulis. Sekitar setengah jam ngobrol ditanya ini itu sambil Langit diobservasi.

Hasil observasinya menyatakan kalo Langit disarankan untuk ikut terapi Sensori Integrasi II. Menurut dokter rehab medik, adaptasi bagus, koordinasi tangan mata oke,komunikasi cukup baik karena dia bisa jawab apa yang ditanya, ngerti instruksi, dsb, tapi kemampuan untuk fokusnya masih kurang dan harus dilatih. Kontak matanya juga masih terlalu sebentar. Jadi, disarankan untuk boleh mulai sekolah, ketemu banyak orang sambil terapi.

Kalo saran ini saya denger setahun lalu, saya mungkin akan resisten. Denger kata terapi seakan-akan kaya ada stempel yang sangat ngga nyaman. Tapi kemarin, perasaan beda banget. Saya ngerasa siap kalo memang ada kekurangan yang harus diperbaiki dan itu bukan masalah besar. Sempet ngeri juga sama biaya yang harus dikeluarkan buat konsul dan terapi, ternyata Alhamdulillah masih sangat masuk budget sesuai kemampuan.

Langit sudah ikut terapi pertama dan cukup berhasil bertahan selama sejam di satu ruangan dengan orang asing tanpa nangis dan minta keluar. Kita bilangnya juga kalo ini kaya main di playground aja dan ngga bohong juga karena ruang terapinya emang mirip playground, hehe.

Saya suka dengan tempat dan pelayanannya selama dua kali datang ke sini. Bersih, apik, tenang, semua staffnya ramah. Cuma satu kurangnya : ngga ada tempat solat. Jadi dua kali datang, kita disiapin ruangan praktek yang kosong buat solat, wudhunya di kamar mandi.

Semoga ke depannya kalo memang memungkinkan, manajemennya juga bisa menyediakan tempat solat khusus. Agak ngga enak juga sih soalnya ngerepotin staffnya tiap kali mau solat yang mana insya Allah akan ngerepotin lagi karena jam terapinya pas waktu solat.

Dr Bernie karena memang udah ketemu dan cocok makanya bela-belain ngejar sampe Kemang, buat kita nyaman buat konsul. Ngga judgmental secara frontal, santai, ngga buru-buru mendiagnosis sesuatu. Dr Amandeni lebih tua, sudah pensiun juga dari RSCM, bagusnya dengan dua dokter seperti ini mungkin jadi lebih objektif hasil konsultasinya.

Kita mutusin untuk ambil paket terapi 10 kali, seminggu dua kali. Biaya yang dibayar lumayan juga bedanya dengan kalo bayar per datang.  Selain itu supaya lebih komit juga. Karena udah bayar di awal ya mau ngga mau harus dateng atau pasti diusahain dateng.

Untuk biaya konsulnya karena kami bayar pribadi jadi udah minta ancer-ancer via WA setelah dikonfirmasi kalo kami dapat tempat untuk konsul, yang sebelumnya waiting list. Angka ancer-ancer yang dikasih cukup lumayan dan kita spare juga kemungkinannya bisa jadi lebih dari itu.

Berdiri di kasir RS nunggu tagihan keluar emang sensasinya beda ya. Di kepala udah seliweran angka ini itu sambil ngebayangin sisa saldo. Ikhlas, tapi meringis mah ngga bisa dihindarin. Ketika CSnya nyodorin kertas di meja sambil sebut angka, kembali diingetin lagi, kalo rejeki itu selalu ghoib. Cuma perlu percaya dan usaha buat selalu cari yang halal. Hasil akhirnya, yang bener-bener sampe ke kita, bukan pake matematika akal manusia.

Karena tagihan yang dibayar setengah dari yang kita siapkan, masih bisa dipake buat melipir sedikit ke Taman Kemang mampir ke restoran yang udah lama banget pengen saya datengin tapi karena jauh belom kesampean.

Sampe rumah jam setengah 10 malam, hati dan pikiran lega karena udah dapet solusi yang aplikatif buat masalah Langit, perut lega kerena terpenuhi sama gyutan don dan soto banjar yang enak banget di Akasya Express, keadaan rekening masih dalam kondisi aman setelah mengeluarkan yang memang harus keluar.

Tentang terapi SI  ada rencana untuk nulis di postingan terpisah setelah paling ngga sudah ikut setengahnya. Mungkin ada yang perlu referensi juga nantinya.

Semoga bermanfaat buat yang sedang cari dokter dan RS buat tumbuh kembang ya!

 

Terapi Wicara dan Sensori Integrasi di Brawijaya Klinik Kemang