Category: Past learning

Have you ever heard that term?

Nope?

Of course, I haven’t too. Until few minutes before started writing this post. The term just suddenly popped out in my mind. Nothing about new theory, just the term I think suits me best.

I read and heard many kind of parenting concepts these days. Helicopter, simple, reflective, authorative, and so on. All have its own theory. In spite of any terms, I believe every parents can’t be categorized in only one term. I believe each parents are a little bit of this and that. But, it’s likely that they are more into one category than the other ones. Of course, I am one too.

When I reflect along this one year parent Langit, what I have been doing most is flashing back. The way I parent Langit, most decisions made, many of them were according my flash back thinking. Since I can’t ask my role model personally, that’s the best thing I can do. I keep flashing back my mother’s words, actions, values, even the smallest things that she unintentionally did, but taught me lessons as well.

So, that explains lot now why I can’t help writing any posts without my mum being mentioned. Although my relationship with her hadn’t always been good and smooth, but I have been so grateful. Even more grateful because I had the honor to be the one whom she spent her very last days with. Even even more, spent it at the best place on earth. My last hug with her was during thawaf wada’ in front of Ka’bah.

Apart from my mother’s influence, other person whose the influence had some impacts too was my grandmother. My mum’s mother. She was the kindest person for me. She had lovely scent and I loved kissing her a lot. I loved and adored the way she did her prayers. I remembered clearly how I enjoyed doing five times prayer with her. The way she recited the do’a was very calming. The most remarkable trait I remembered about her was cleanliness. Other than kind, she was very very very clean. Oh, and tidy! Her bed, cupboard, every inch in her house was the cleanest.

The origin of my rule about no playing in the bed was from her. Langit is only being on the bed when she is sleeping. Other than that, she should play outside. Actually, le husband is also prohibited. But, yah, it’s negotiable with him.

My grandmother was very good at cooking and … playing cards. Haha! We had this routine family vacation to Cipanas where there was a villa owned by my dad’s workplace. For three days of staying there, what we continously did was playing cards. We only had a break for lunch and pray. Other than that everyone was sitting on the carpet holding cards and bragging the joker they had. And my grandmother was the one who was really eager of playing. All the time. Hahaha. Neskii, I.miss you so much:(

My grandma went in the same year as my mum did. In the same day, same date, by eight months difference. While my mum left on Friday, Nov 30, my grandma went on Friday, March 30. It was one of my biggest regret that I didn’t attend her funeral. I was still in UPM at that time. I was about going home in few days at that time. Received that news, I came home early. On the night before she went, I remembered I couldn’t sleep at all. I was very nervous, anxious, and felt so uneasy all night. I have been always like that when something unpleasant was about going to happen. That time, the answer came at 5 am. When my phone rang and my mom’s name appeared on the monitor, I already knew that it would be the worst news she was going to deliver. I even cried before my mum said anything. As if I knew my grandma had gone already.

It was a non stop crying day for me. I cried all day. I went home the next day and still couldn’t stop crying. Even crying more when I landed and le husband picked me up at the airport then sent me to my grandma’s house. It was crying all the way. Knew that I was no longer able to see her and even didn’t have a chance to say goodbye properly was heart-breaking.

Then, maybe this post should be called Flash back parent and grandparent-ing.

Today is happened to be December 22. It’s a mother day in Indonesia. So, this one suits that well. Happy mother’s day to both greatest mothers in my life. I love you both so much. One of my biggest desire is hoping that I am able to be at least as good as both of you, as a person and a mother as well.

Ah, of course, Happy mother’s day too, dear me. (Keep trying hard to) be a great one too!

I will.

I spent a very intense relationship on my mom last days. Although I was pursuing my master abroad on 2012, once I finished in August, I became almost inseparable with my mom. We had so many things to do, Hajj, engagement, and the wedding, which were taking place within short interval from one to another. She was doing  all those preparations with her sickness which was getting worse as the Hajj coming.

Several days before our departure, I spent days going back and forth to hospital to accompanied her with all test. She even wanted to canceled her departure just two days before and drew it back on the next days. She went Hajj with enduring the pain and sickness.

And me, I went Hajj enduring the stress, which a high level one, Hajj with a sick person. When others were enjoying their Hajj like a holiday, mine was more like a bussiness trip with tight schedule. I didn’t want to miss the prayers too much at Haram just because I had to take care of her. I spent years to be here. I wanted to do the Hajj well without neglecting her.

So, I woke up very early to make sure I had done everything before leaving for the mosque. Made her the breakfast, cutting some fruits, and prepared everything she needed then I left for tahajud, subuh, until dhuha. Between subuh and dhuha, I was going for thawaf. And I was doing all that alone. No companions at all. It was the ultimate me-time I have ever had.

Finished dhuha, I ran quickly outside the mosque to catch the bus back to the apartment. It was time for my mom’s second meal. Near the apartment, I bought something like kebuli rice and lamb curry for us to eat. I skipped zuhur and ashar at Haram. Instead, I chose maghrib to isya. Thus, during that time, I did all the work again so I could leave peacefully.

Really, went Hajj with your sick mother was nothing easy at all. Five days of the Hajj rituals were one of the hardest day I have ever been through. Not only fighting with other million thousands people, more, it was the fight with yourself to be ikhlas.

Two days after arriving back home, my mom was admitted to the hospital. She spent two weeks there. I spent 12 out of 13 days at the hospital. I stayed with her all night, fed her, helped her to go bathroom, cleaned up her pee and poo, even on her last days, when she was no longer able to clean her ass by herself, I was doing it for her. She refused at first, but I said it was really okay.

I once tweeted this :
Taking care your parents in their old age is not a responsibility. It is pretty much an honour.

I really meant it. It was a greatest honour to hear your mother said that she only wanted me to stay with her at night since I was the only one who woke up in an instant once I heard she called. I was the one who felt comfortable cleaning her poo and pee, even cleaning her ass for her.

I didn’t do those to hear that. I just hoped to reduce her pain. It broke my heart everytime I saw she endured all the pain. I didn’t remember when was crying became a daily activity other than those days.

The greatest of the greatest was, I was the one who witnessed the vey last seconds of her life. I was the one who first noticed her saturated oxygen dropped very low, then I was the one who ran into hear ear to whisper tahlil and syahadat. Until her last breath.

After she has gone, I continue taking care of my dad. Not only about the meals, but even for those small things like toping up his phone credit. I always put him first, even before Langit and le husband. I do really care about how he feels. I am often afraid that he feels lonely being without my mom. Eventough  sometimes it feels tired, but I can’t deny I enjoy taking care of him. I can’t help feeling that he deserves as good as what my mom had from me. Thus, as long as possible, I really want to do well for him.

———————————

Is it pure me who is talking above?

To be honest, last days with my mom, I felt that I wasn’t my self during those days. The one who was me wasn’t that brave, kind, and patient. I even wondered where that kind of attitude came from. I felt like something made me those things. Something beyond my control.

Then, it’s only after three years, It becomes clear.

After three years, I finally understand, although I believe she didn’t want to trouble me in any possible ways, there are things beyond our control. And as a verse is saying that one will never get other than what he works for, so was my mom. She just received the payment of her work through me.

After three years, I find a lot of answers to my long lost questions as a child.

After three years, a one year daughter was sent to me to show me just a tiny part that my mom had been through in raising me well.

After three years, I finally understand why we could never repay our mother with anything we have, why mothers have three times bigger portion than a father.

After three years, I finally found a perfect reason to survive and do all those hard works my mom once did.

And why that ustad words hit me hard.

I was moved by all the hard works my parents were doing to me in the past.

Action equals to reaction.

For what I am now, the good ones of course, all credit goes to my mother, my mother, my mother, and my father.

The end of this November will be the third year after mom left. I really have a lot in my mind. Things that finally being understood after three years after she’s gone. Things I have been going through since becoming a mother for a year.

I finally understood every single thing she has done in the past. At least why. I am still wondering a lot about the ‘HOW’. How she could survive with these endless work for years, how she could survive handling and doing everything well. How she could survive and kept staying sane.

Being a mother for a year, I have been a fussy one, I guess. I am not flexible, scheduled-oriented, I do sweat the small things. Sometimes I really don’t know who will have the most benefit by being this fussy. Me, Langit?

But, then I can argue. Looking back what I had been going through as a child, I thought my mother was one too. For some important things, she was pretty fussy. It made me unhappy. But again, those hard times were really paid-off. I witnessed  every single result of her hard works she had done to me.

I really remembered how persistent she was, taking me to YPM so I wouldn’t miss any single lessons according to the schedule. Even it took her so much troubles. Can you imagine, she sent me to the school by taking my little sister and my baby brother. We walked from home until the main street, then she left the stroller in one of small warung, and we rode on a mikrolet. After that, we still continued with bajaj until we arrived at the music school.

Then, how long my lesson was?
20 minutes. Yes, as long as 20 minutes only. So much troubles for a mere 20 minutes.

But, did she stop doing that? Nope. She kept doing it for thirteen years, although with different troubles. If someone asked me, I really couldn’t remember if I had missed any single lessons there. Even when I had my asthma, she really made me still attend the class. See, I really wonder how she could do that. How could she make me do that I mean. Not because of my asthma.

Even her friends were asking her why were taking so much troubles just for sending me to a piano.lesson? It was not even something very important. More, I wasn’t the one with talent too. Even more, she even didn’t have my father’s approval at the beginning. Did she quit? Absolutely not.

She really showed me hard work will never betray you. One by one, her hard works started showing results. Lots of results happened during my four years of college.

It started when I passed the audition for being a piano teacher and got my first job while I was only a second semester student. She was really proud of it until she couldn’t stop saying about her efforts to make me survived until the very end. She showed to those friends who once asked why went through so much troubles for  a simple piano lesson. Really, it made me seems to be the best child in the world, haha.

Guess I was really bloomed in my college years. After a job, I passed the English test which made me got a straight A without having to attend the class. It was only 5 students out of 101. Then, on the fifth semester, I once again passed another selection. A lecturer assistant for Basic Economics. It escalated my status also and it was even making me more famous, hahaha:))

It didn’t stop there. Along side with academic achievements, the personal things seemed doing well too. I really got pretty much attention from those guys around. From classmates, senior, even those from different majors. Yes, plural. Please, don’t throw up first until this story finished.

Saturday night at home spent by receiveing calls. Again, plural. Le husband had so many competitors back then when he called me on Saturday night. If you read this Yobo, please don’t discuss it later;)).

Was I happy? Yes, but surprisingly not really. Being famous and poured with so much attention were really not my thing. It gave me pressures. That was why I didn’t date, at all, during my college years. Not because I couldn’t but I chose not to. I enjoyed staying unreachable.

You may throw up now.

I was so grateful having those during my college years. The time when I had been mature enough. I couldn’t imagine if I got it during my high schools. I would be very tengil I guess.

Although those were my achievements, I almost never thought to take all the credits for me. Really, it wasn’t really me. It was all my mom’s. It was all her hard works for years. I was never being proud without remembering that was actually my mom’s doing. Had I have another mother but her, I would never ever reach those things. I would have never received all those compliments. I would have never felt so good about being myself. For that, I would never be able to thank her enough.

So, me being a fussy mother along this first year, is pretty much because of those things I wrote about. I couldn’t ask my mom how she had been doing with us technically since she wasn’t here. So I just can do what seems possible for me to get the same result. Things that my small brain thinks it fits well.

Two weeks ago, during my niece aqiqah event, there was an ustad who gave speech. There was something that really impressed me so much until I couldn’t forget it at all until today. He said,

“Jadi orangtua itu harus semangat. Semangat dalam mendidik anaknya dan beri yang terbaik. Kenapa? Ketika kita tua, anak-anak ngga mungkin ngga semangat ngurus orangtuanya”.

It hit me hard. Pretty hard.

Okay, since it will be a very long one, I think it will be better to make it two parts.

Keep going to the second, if you want.

On Parenting post few months ago, I wrote back then that I had a really great parents. It was such a long post describing how great they were. But, as I believe that nothing good comes easy, then something great must take no easier, right?

Definition of good and great surely might be different from one to another. It depends on what values one hold. So, this one is probably very subjective.

My parents were pretty much inflexible for certain things when we were kids. Even for several things, they were still inflexible until we were come of age. If I looked back, truthfully, they were inflexible in almost everything, haha. Well, now I can laugh, back then, don’t ask me.

They were strict about school, praying, playing, toys, sleeping, eating, extra-culicular activities, what else any children would do?

They were not only inflexible, but also very non-arguable. But, my generations were those whose parents were mostly strict, hardly ‘listen’ to their children, and the time where physical punishments were acceptable.The children too were those who didn’t talk back to their parents. They did as they told.

It’s pretty much different with current situation when these days parents are quite flexible with their children. Those parents,who were once raised by inflexible parents, decided to become different parents from theirs.

Which one is better?

For some reasons, I believe being inflexible for certain things to the children is the best thing that parents should do. A little child will never know right from wrong if they never to be taught. Teaching that is not easy at all. It needs consistency for long time until the habit become character. Teaching something good  will never be easy.

Even after teaching them something continously at home, there is no guarantee the children will totally acquire it. Some real example that I witnessed was about doing five times prayer.

I went to Islamic school for kindergarten and elementary school. The place were Islamic values and rituals were applied in daily life. It were exposed to the students intensely five-eight hours per day, six days a week, almost entire year for six years (plus three for me).

After elementary, I continued junior high school in public school. It surprised me at first. Spending nine years in a school where once adzan was heard, the students would go to the mosque or else the teacher would make them too, then seeing how empty the mosque was at this current school. Once adzan for dzuhur prayer was heard, the most crowded place was the canteen.

Some of them might pray after eating, but mostly didn’t. And those were including the ones who went to the islamic school before. It happened also during my high school. I went to another public school too and at this school, it was like a reunion since I met so many friends from my elementary school, even one or two from kindy. Most of my elementary friends continued their junior high at the same school. So, practically, they spent almost the entire of their basic education at an Islamic school.

But what happened? Half of them were almost never prayed. We had two breaks at that time. First break at 9 am, some were doing dhuha prayer, and the second break was at 12 pm, the time for lunch and dzuhur prayer. Those friends who spent their nine years, or other were eleven years at an Islamic school, didn’t even bother to go to the mosque to pray. Let alone doing the sunnah pray, they didn’t even do the compulsory one. And they seemed easy about that.

Something was surely missing,right?

Yes, something was definitely missing : the force.

There were no longer those teachers who nagging them to pray once adzan was heard. No direct punishments when they didn’t pray as before. Only those were missing?

Nope. I believe there were an important thing that was missing right from the start.

The parents who taught them to pray and made it as daily habits at home.

We mostly move to different school once a certain level is done, teacher and friends surely come and go, but there is no such thing as moving to other parents nor come-and-go parents.

This is one of the reason why I believe for certain (or maybe many) things being inflexible is suitable for children. Sending them to a good place is probably not (good) enough. Nine to eleven years being wildly and continously exposed to lots of Islamic education doesn’t make one do at least the mere daily prayer.

Parents need to nurture the children themselves at home. It needs consistency and much inflexibility. Because you know, children are smart. They know how to manipulate and negotiate. Once you’re being (too) flexible on something very important (well, in my case, I highly considered doing five times prayer is important), children will know that they can negotiate with this. Maybe at first they will do the prayers because they are told to do it or because they are afraid of the punishment they will receieve for not doing that, but later, they will do it because they want to and they need it as they need to eat.

Parenting goals mostly are the long-term one. There is no instant process nor shortcuts. Being stern and inflexible are the way to tell the kids how important some matters are. Some matters that they can’t take it lightly if they don’t do it. Some matters that will later help and protect them to deal with this harsh life since the parents won’t be forever around.

On the bright side, pain and gain come in one package. There is no such useless effort. We will only reap what we sow. The result of the teaching will come in front of our eyes before we realize it. Once the habit stays, it will be hard to dissapear.

My question for me is, can I go through and bear those hard times while teaching my kids that ‘some important matters’, as well as my parents did with me?

Since I expect at least the same result, so I must, mustn’t I?

Parenting is surely one of the toughest job in the world. And there is no choice of become either part-time, freelancer, nor seasonal.

It’s full time job for a lifetime.