In my childhood, I read many books. My mum enrolled me to kindy early because I started reading newspaper at three. In my primary to adolescent years, I was placed to undergo life skills training and character development disguised as piano lessons. Years later I realized, that 13 years were the time where I started asking, exercising, and putting my trust to The One who deals with all affairs in order to survive the jungle. In my 20s, I lived alone and wrote some dreams, In my 30s, I went through a series of life experiences that exceeded my imagination, the best and the worst. Executing several written dreams, that were fulfilled according to Allah’s will. More than I had asked for.
Entering my 40s, I began to see things more clearly and found the missing pieces of certain stories. Things that I previously couldn’t comprehend start revealing the other side of their stories—answering all the whys one by one.
Every decade has its own training that, when skipped, we carry the consequences into the next one. Completing all the necessary training doesn’t guarantee a problem-free life. However, at least you have the tools and certain level or readiness to deal with it compared to someone who doesn’t, and it matters.
Every prayer has its own unique twist and turn. Along with everything that we pray for, don’t forget to also ask for the readiness to deal with it when it’s answered. Asking something and ready to deal with the consequences of your prayer require two completely different skill sets.
Getting rich is hard but doable with certain skills. Staying wealthy? It is not for everyone.
Finding a life partner is complicated. Maintaining marriage? It is arduously difficult.
The idea of having children seems happy and lovely. Raising them right and well? That’s a whole different story.
I learned that a blessing is not only about what you gain, but also lies in the loss. Barakah is not only what Allah adds to your life, but also what has been subtracted from it. All the delays and closed doors are part of the protection. It takes constant practice to understand this.
Life is lesson that comes with some tests without warning.
The only way to thrive,not just survive,in any seasons and lesson, you have to love learning.
A huge milestone in the 40s : after bailing out for few times due tp unmatched schedule (really??), mustered the courage to attend arisan ibu-ibu in a house ten steps away from home.
Social skills seem to be one skill I keep refining (in my own way) yet never fully bloomed let alone mastered. Combination thick blood introverted and borderline neurodivergent, already accepted and make peace with it that this is something that doesn’t come naturally for neurodivergent individuals (like me and my daughter). We’ll keep trying as reasonable as we can.
Being the youngest in the circle turned out to be an advantage. My nerve always feels safer being around the wisdom and kindness of older people. It suits my old soul better (another similarity to my daughter).
It was a nice soirée with enjoyable conversation and tolerable duration.
I realized this during my 20s, specifically on the day my mother left.
From outside, my family looks ordinary, stable and steady. It’s functional enough to sustain certain level of performance.
But, inside? Well, not so much. It’s getting clearer as years go by. As the members are getting older, the true colors are getting exposed.
(Few days after writing this, found this theory and it feels so relatable).
When my mother left, I realized how strong the emotional scaffolding she endured for many years to keep the family together. At certain point, I believed she paid it with her health. If there’s an idea that I am still holding on to is how unfair it had been for her.
After she left, I was unconsciously picking the role. Like feeling responsible to continue what my mother had been doing because life must go on. We might be grieving personally, but, I took the heaviest responsibility, as a first born daughter. I became the new emotional scaffolding of the family thinking it was the only way to keep going.
Picking up without thinking, just like sleepwalking.
I saw how I exactly treated, like we treated my mother. It felt even worse since I was dealing with all men household. Maybe not openly or consciously, but the feeling of taken for granted and lack of appreciation were valid.
I slowly woke up once I had a daughter.
I knew and had quite knowledge on child development, parenting, etc. I graduated and got a master degree in Curriculum and Instruction which learned a lot about human development and psychology. In theory, I felt like a well-prepared mother.
However, in reality, it wasn’t that simple and easy. In real life situation where many things happened beyond my control, I couldn’t fight what has been programme in my subconscious mind for many years. No matter how much I try to not to repeat few things that I don’t want to do to my kids, it’s really really hard to avoid it.
My to-go response or reaction was exactly what I received growing up. I couldn’t escape what my body kept score and stored.
The first four years of marriage and motherhood, in my childhood, home were the hardest battle in adulthood.
But, if there is one thing that I realized I have since I was little : I almost always refuse to just accept anything that doesn’t work without proper fight. I want to see why it doesn’t for now and how it will or might do so later.
What happened when you keep trying to find a way, the way will show itself. Allah has been beyond kind to me and my little family. He moved us, broadened our view, and showed us a way out through a series of events that at first looked like an unfortunate one, but that was actually leading to much, much better outcomes than what I had prayed for and planned.
It’s really true that you need change of view to change your point of view. But, I see in some people, change of point view only lasts as long as the view stays. Once they go back with the old view, the POV shifts back.
Change of view to the level of change of behavior is completely hard. It against your will. The brain hates it until it becomes familiar.
As we moved places, meeting people, learning better, I felt like things were slowly improving from the inside. It’s not a sudden lightning strike. I learn little by little. From professional visit as a couple and parents, forming daily habits as family, and as a person, small changes that are quietly compounding and slowly adapting to our daily life.
It doesn’t mean we have a problem-free life. It’s the way we deal with problems that feels different now. It’s when I understand such thing is one of the most underrated forms of Rizq.
Friction arises when I have to deal with some people I grow up with. It is unavoidable to notice the difference in frequency and mindset now, creating a significant gap in how we see our problems. Growing up together as family/friends doesn’t mean you’ll always be compatible with each other over the years.
I often read things like this in the literature, but facing it in real life is really baffling. I even conclude, at a certain level, practising syariah (things done related to worship Allah) feels easier than muamalah (things to deal with other humans).
Being a mother without my mother makes me understand her more in a most tender way although there are some wounds that still stings. But, in general, I am all for her. She bore too much more than we, her family, acknowledge. We didn’t give her enough credit when she was still here.
I have many qualities of my mother, not only self-proclaimed, but, confirmed by others. But, I am not her and will never be her. And I don’t want to be her or have to be like her.
That thinking is one of the triggers that makes me decide not to go where she was.
I slowly detach many ideas that I unconsciously adopt from her that doesn’t fit me and my situation and form my own thinking in dealing with many things in life. I I let go of values that don’t align with my own self and the family I want to raise. I keep and hold on to ones that serve as a strong foundation and be forever grateful for that.
But, I don’t want to be responsible for others lack of emotional regulation, except for my current teenager daughter. I see how cunning people can be, and I don’t want to play along. I let people misunderstand me a lot of time, because I realize people can only see from where they are and actually, there is no responsibility to explain it too.
Sometimes, maintaining distance is the right way to maintain a relationship.
I am still doing a lot of trial and error to this day. A true healing is brutal. The road is tough and rough.
This is another form of grieving that is rarely heard and I am currently taking a class on the subject.
(A writing that has been sitting on the draft for months. Certain writing is write and publish in an instant, but, many are write, read, edit, leave, return, re-read, re-write, until it finally feels right, publish, if it’s not, wait and see without deadline). This one was written in May 2025.
This month is full of new first-time .
The first week was spent finally and officially starting the new voluntary job as a certified listener in a mental health organization. It was quite above my expectations in terms of the work. I didn’t expect a lot of young people really contact the admin to really talk to someone about their problems. I filled out the schedule on Friday, and I was assigned a client in every schedule that I registered. Won’t go into details since I still don’t know much how it will turn out.
The second week was spent with countless meetings and researching for a new project in the tiny business. It still feels unbelievable to finally find the courage and execute what has been on the mind and heart for few years but too scared, too lazy, and prefer staying in comfort zone and enjoying status quo.
The third week was spent by returning to an exercise class after six years. It’s been a while since I feel like I want to return to a group class, but I have been reluctant. I just want the exercise, not really to socialize. A small group which is not loud. Funnily, I really found what I exactly what the heart long for. A small group of maximum six person, no music, or very quiet instrumental one, good instructors with soothing voice, movements that I really need in this old age, and no unnecessary social pressure. Everyone really just come, train, and go. Exactly what I really need.
After one trial, I signed up right away and have been regularly coming.
The fourth and last week was filled with some good news from family. A cousin that I have been working with since last year for the university entrance national exam, sent not only one, but two screen-captured of results with congratulations on the top of the page.
I rant a lot about this in another platform.
The little girl was also attending the Dokter Kecil inauguration as one of the teams chosen from her school. A bit out of topic, but she recently got 10 in her Bahasa Indonesia test, which for me (and us?), was a huge milestone. Coming back from London with close to zero Bahasa Indonesia ability and enrolled in a national school that uses full Bahasa Indonesia, one question keeps lingering over and over again: should we move to another school? when things feel really hard.
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Update : The volunteer has been a good place to learn a lot of new things.
The tiny business new project slowly turns well. Still keep trying again and again as the past eight years have been.
The exercise class suits me well and adapt it into a regular schedules. Alhamdulillah.
A new year doesn’t necessarily mean doing something new. Sometimes what we need is to improve what has been done so that it becomes better.
Rocking while reading/ doom scrolling on the blue rocking chair.
Preparing what’s for breakfast today.
Breakfast in silence listening to the white noise of the home. Bird chirping and morning adkhar from alexa.
The taste of multiseed sourdough milk loaf from a newly found bakery.
The first sip of tea after a long day of fasting.
The color of the sky on a bright day.
The color of twilight sky aka langit senja.
The morning silence at home when it’s clear and bright. Only the white noise of flowing water from the pond and soft snore from ones who are still sleeping on the couch.
Dinner with home cooked meals by the doctor.
Conversations during dinner
Hugging my daughter.
Watching my daughter keep getting better at everything she does.
The dopamine flow after an interesting online lesson.
Feeling sufficient with what I have and where I am.
Finally came to an understanding about something after period of questioning and researching.
Beating myself against procrastination.
Beating myself when choosing right over easy.
Beating myself to keep my mouth shut when I want to say a lot of things.
Words have always been leaving bigger impact to me than any other gestures.
One of the most memorable and monumental events was back as far as when I was in kindergarten. I used a word ‘muka’ instead of ‘wajah’ to one of my teachers and it gave me a certain mark in the report card. How could I even remember this? This was the story my mom told me. I have a specific compartment on my brain to keep the memories of my mother.
I never take any tests on five love language, but pretty sure words of affirmation is on the number one list. That’s why I love reading, I love listening, I like writing, only talking that I don’t fond of. Being judged from a missuse word since early, that was significant. If something really makes me talking, then it must be huge. I also have certain compartment to remember few of big talkings I have done.
I have been feeling under the weather for few months and been digging where it starts. Some perimenopause symptoms could fit. But, if I traced back, some personal events regarding interpersonal relationships were strong triggers too. Those who make me feel safe could turn me into a unrecognizable extrovert. But, those who don’t, could really make me lose appetite for saying a simple word. Like having brain freeze. It’s a hard work to stand people whose masks are layered. Even harder when those are ones I couldn’t escape.
I always one with plan and an executor once I found the right thing to do. But, my pace in life has always been a tortoise, never a hare. I build and progress slowly. It took me 18 years to bloom with 13 years of hard training. It took me several years to finally say yes to a marriage. It took me tiny steps for years to finally executed a huge step in my bussiness, and many more. I only jumped quickly when it comes to something which consequences will be bigger if it’s postponed, like paying a debt. For outsiders, it indeed looked stagnant and boring.
But, when I looked inside, I realized people use their own metrics to measure others. Most people use tangible data to measure life : number, medals, etc. To be fair, I used this too for judging myself in the past since I am accustomed to be judged by my society for these.
I could only slowly let go little by little when life started at 28. When I had all the worldly accomplishments I wanted to achieve, yet, I lost things that no amount of effort could bring back.
As I grow older, I slowly understand many things I have been doing in life couldn’t be measured by those tangibles. Courage, discipline, integrity, persistence, and endurance. I won’t display anthing here, but, looking at the lists things done this year, they are the proof of the values I live by. That is priceless.
This year also showed me many examples in personal, national, and global level that life is never about one who looks good outside and on the paper. Honesty, stability security (in our own skin), peace and tranquillity until the end are values that suit me most and it’s all an inside work.
If there’s one thing that I realized its absence is maybe the gratitude.
Gratitude, when it is taken, nothing feels right and that is one of the biggest losses that could happen to anyone. Lack of gratitude could dismiss any accomplishments despite all the hard work put to achieve it. I might be only seeing things are absent and overlooked the many of present ones.
My feelings are all valid. These all are real, hard, and uncomfortable. But, whose life then are without some burdens? For a lot of things that Allah keeps me having despite the current situation, inside and outside, I am giving myself a proper room for compassion and bigger room for gratitude.
Adulthood is complicated and it needs some skills to stay afloat during the turbulence. The coping skills that one should have to deal with many ugly faces life throws needs rigorous training. It’s training for the soul that takes time to build.
Accept the situation and focus with what I can do with what I have. Letting all the uncomfortable feeling and the positive ones going hand in hand for a while. Let them sit together without allowing one side taking over another. I regularly taking out clutter out of my home, that is also the same thing I do for my soul. Like pruning unnecessary feeling, recognizing which are just noise and which are the actual thing that I should address.
One thing that I have been asking myself since few years back whenever things are tough: What Allah actually wants me to learn this time?
I slowly shift my mind by looking at many things that Allah still allows me to have despite my current circumstances. I remembered one of the saying from Umar Bin Khatab that said he never worried about whether Allah would fulfill his prayers or not,one thing that he worried the most was whether Allah would still allow him to make the prayer or not.
That is exactly what I need reminded myself of.
The level and kind of confidence I always strive to maintain at all times
Such a delightful end of year lesson.
PS : knowing how much words mean to me, having a file with collection of kind words received through the years is a great idea. It really comes in handy during such period.
We mostly inherit the idea of marriage from our close family, society, like it is a milestone that everyone should arrive at in certain point of their life.
For someone who enjoys being alone and realized it at pretty young age, I once threw a question to my mother, when I was in my 20s : “Emang harus ya nikah?” (Is it really necessary to get married?)
It wasn’t a kind of bitter question against marriage, I was just simply questioning the idea whether it was necessary to get married. My mom was responding in a neutral way telling me there was a lot of advantages to be married.
I couldn’t ask further questions and longer conversation since it was morning where we had to get ready to go to work.
I actually never against marriage because being a mother was clearly written as an item in my little dream book. To achieve that, being in a legal relationship called marriage is a must.
I used a lot of brainstorming with myself before marriage. Five compulsory preferences and few optional ones. Having conversations with plenty of people, observing real life cases, and taking notes what I wanted and I didn’t want based on what I saw.
I concluded the importance of one thing before getting married :
I need to like the person first, and more than I love him.
For me, like is stronger and more solid foundation than love. While love mostly comes from feeling, like comes more from thinking.
Like means you approve of the basics of what you see from the other party. The character, the values, and the person as a whole, and the alignment of what he has with mine.
We need to like the person we married first, without adding or subtracting anything to the equation, and liking them as they are. When you’re asked, “Without any strings attached, would you be friends with this person?” the answer is an absolute yes.
I am lucky enough to know and build a friendship with the person I married since we were young. No title, no income, no job, just a clueless confused but full of conviction boy who was trying to figure out his life.
Having been in a marriage for thirteen years, I quite agreed with my mother’s answer. From my perspective, marriage offers many advantages across many aspects of life.
One thing I am most grateful for is that it gives me time, space, and energy to practice my beliefs in a safe environment. I am allowed to learn, practice, and apply those beliefs through the roles I have in marriage.
Such a positive tone might be misleading assuming things were, are and have always been easy.
Anything related to humans has never been. Last year’s reflection in one of my social media posts said :
Nothing good in life comes easy. So does a good marriage, I guess.
Marriage in Islam is considered as the longest form of ibadah and Ibadah is always a hard work.
Just like doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires honesty, sincerity, and commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj asks to prepare our financial, physical, and mental strength before doing it. They are exactly what marriage takes not only to survive, but also insya Allah to thrive.
A long term relationship is a continous hard work, facing conflict and challenge while choosing to show up and willing to repair quickly and continually.
Easier written than done obviously.
I am beyond grateful for the chance to be in in a group work in a small classroom to figure out the answers to a simple worksheet in an English class then to work on many life assignments in this world, and for the hereafter, together.
I pray wholeheartedly for continous blessing, more barakah and peace this partnership brings.
Amin. Amin. Amin.
PS : this is just a two cents from many obversation and real life experience. In my opinion, men and women have different need in marriage. Men need wife (or woman) to live. Women needs life. To live is a verb. It can change depends on time. Life is a noun. It’s constant. Not change depends on time or season. It just again my two cents observing why older women rarely re-marry after the first one ended (for any reasons) and could still thriving, yet man, most of them, could enter the next one as quickly as it’s allowed to be, to keep surviving.
PS 2 : Few days after publishing this post, this one came.
One of the heartfelt family pictures and the happiest volunteering project this year.
These are my mother’s village in raising us. At least, four of these people in this picture had once sent me to YPM when I was little. These are ones that survived my teenager years regular crankiness during two years I lived alone in grandma’s house without my family. One of my aunt’s son accompanied me to school in Tebet, from Tomang, before heading to his office in Kelapa Gading, by bus, daily. I was suddenly turned into a spoiled brat while living with them. I can list more but let’s stop here.
When I knew they wanted to perform umrah, but seemed uncertain and unclear about the time and process, I couldn’t help being fussy. To realize any dreams and good intentions, once the money is there, it’s important to execute it asap. Unless, the distraction will always win.
So, I started bugging and nagging telling them I would take care everything and they just had to pay.
This is their very first trip abroad. I enjoyed all the hassles it brings. From registering and sending them for their first passport book, choosing the umrah travel and the package to the smallest detail that cater what they wanted, registering for vaccines and visiting the travel office to do fitting and travel kit pick up, managing payments, to countless whatsapp chats in a dedicated group giving reminders, answering questions, and many more for the past four month. I emptied days in my calendar to accompany them.
Being a shadow agent, the travel agent officer put me in the umroh group chat so I can enjoy the trip too. Couldn’t help being so teary for the past few days looking at all the pictures and videos. One of my aunts called from the hotel in Madinah then we cried together on the phone while laughing happily. She called me again after returning saying how impressed she was with the service during the trip and hoping to return soon.
Being involved and in-charge for my mother’s family umroh plan is truly an honor.
May Allah accept all the worship and prayers, repay all their kindness, and add more blessings to them and their family. Amin.
(When I looked back, a huge part of me become agiver, some credit goes to them).
Few circumstances since last year gave me some lessons in real life regarding to human relationships.
But, only few recent events reminded me of an Adam Grant’s book : Give and Take. He explained the idea in an organizational setting, but actually it can be applicable in any settings of human relationship.
When it comes to relationship with human, more giving doesn’t mean more receiving. Often, the more you give, the less you receive.
Giving depends a lot on the capacity and energy. Giving tells a lot more about the capacity of the giver rather than the taker. When we give something to human and don’t receive the equal amount of what we give, it’s simply because their capacity is not on the level of ours.
Giver operates on a different level than the other two. Their mindset is always about what they can do for others within their power, even many times beyond their power.
The funny thing based on research mentioned in the book : compared to taker and matcher, in any industry tested, giver is a group who earn the least. The last position belongs to giver. Above the giver are taker and matcher, but, here’s the best part, who earned the most and for a long period of time?
It’s giver too.
In the book, what separates the lower rank giver and upper one was self-interest. Selfless givers only think about others and neglect themselves, while otherish givers, along with think about others, they also have a strong sense of self-interest.
Based on this, it’s important to be giver who konws their own limit because taker doesn’t have any. Taker is the worst type of all.
I slowly learn when you deal with taker, you should have a slight degree of matcher mentality. Because no matter what, you can’t give and pour from an empty cup.
The best thing for a giver is dealing with another giver. It reminds me of few relationship I have growing up. I just realized I am mostly matcher in many surface level of relationships, but very much giver in a close knitted group. I think I remember writing this too.
But, even in a close-knitted group, being a giver should be always done with a pinch of salt. Humans have expectations and when it is not met, then something feels uncomfortable and unpleasant. But, we can’t control others. So, it’s ours to learn how to deal with it.
First, understand that what we do and how we deal with others, it reflects more of our capacity, capabilities and characters. Not theirs. This makes sense why being a giver is hard. Giving needs building something inside. It needs thinking.
Second, in spite of being a giver, it’s important to have a certain degree matcher mentality while dealing with takers, who always tend to make everything about themselves. Being a giver with boundaries is personally important.
Human relationship and its complexity always perplexes me.
All the sweetness and savory birthday meals. May she enjoy all these flavors life bring.
I love myself before becoming a mother. I love myself even better as the years go by. It has improved so many aspects of my personal life. It sets my priorities right, improve my time and energy management, and helps me trying to pursue the right goals in life.
In raising her, I keep editing my life and adjusting my direction.
It’s not only about raising a human being to be something in the future, doing specific jobs. It’s more about raising someone who knows who she is, where she came from, and where and to whom she will return.
Putting my best effort into raising a conscious human being with a strong sense of direction in life. So whenever she’s lost, she still knows to whom and where she must return and turn.
Keep improving the work of raising a person with confidence and humility, knowing there will always be The Most Merciful and The Most Powerful to protect her, grant all her heart wishes, and guide her to achieve them. At the same time, she understands where the credit goes for everything she has in life.
A human being who understands the real compass in life is never another human being. Including me, her mother. She is not me and will never be me. So, I hope she’ll find herself, and I sincerely hope she’ll find herself in the right place, doing the right thing,surrounded by the right people.
I hope you live a great life filled with barakah.
Keep your head down to count your many uncountable blessings, Keep your hope high while you ask for your future. Give your best effort and let Allah decide the rest.
A Penny for My Pensieve 