Category: Thoughts

Dealing with three times traffic light in few meters after sending the little girl to the school.

Continous sighing of “I am so tired” due to late night out and late sleep. In my dictionary, late means anything done outside after the maghrib prayer.

Regularly punching my aching shoulder and wonder “should 40 feel this old?”. What is the science behind the decreasing energy as decade passed by?

I wrote those lines above while waiting for one of the longest red lights in the city. I resumed this while waiting for the little girl’s math class in the afternoon.

After school delivery, I had an appointment at nine am and was heading there while whining. This Monday is unusually packed from morning till evening.

I stopped by a supermarket along the way. I planned to visit my parents’ house after the appointment, so I picked some traditional snacks and was quite happy with my choices for today: a pair of Lumpur surga, a pair of Dadar unti, a pair of lalampa, and a pair of panada—two pairs of sweet snacks and two pairs of savory ones. It’s Monday and Sunnah fasting day, so those were good selections for Iftar.

Besides snacks for my father, I bought a pack of Santang Honey tangerines for the house assistant who has been staying with us for 29 years, along with the Eid money I had prepared for her. It was a long overdue Eid money. Making time, space, and energy for something that is not really compulsory requires a high level of intentionality, and that is not easy. I already felt so guilty for continuously postponing the visit.

It was great view with blue sky and white clouds from where I sat behind the steering wheel. It makes the heart slightly lighter when the weather is nice and there was an inexplicable feeling that today’s meeting would be a good one.

I have been thinking about this particular matter related to the tiny business since a few years back, but again, there is not enough time, space, and energy to really consider it. Staying within the status quo has been my escape.

But last Ramadan, I still remembered how it went. It was like being struck with lightning. I sat at my dining table and suddenly had an idea. Looking at the maps and texted few possible scenarios in my head. After years of doing nothing, I finally took the first step toward change.

The idea was a bit unusual, but trying wouldn’t hurt. Surprisingly, I got answers, although many were not what I hoped for. A few declined, and one answered with a chance of good news. I set up a meeting, asked many questions, and returned a few times, but something didn’t click. No matter how often I imagined how it would be going, I couldn’t feel certain.

I went back and forth by this option. I kept questioning whether it was just really unfit or just another excuse that had been around for years. The hardest one to beat in life is no one, nothing, but my mental block inside.

I seem to be less courageous as I grow older. Staying wrapped in comfort is indeed addictive.

In between thinking and considering, we visited another option but it was even more unfit.

The idea keeps lingering, until last Saturday, I took my time, driving alone in the morning to drop some equipment and picked my daughter’s bag.

The road was empty so I could drive slowly, hoping to notice something that I have been missed before. I have this certain restrictions that I always set for almost everything that I want. So it makes the options limited and I rarely want to compromise. I’d rather wait.

When I took the u-turn, passed a convenience store, and kept driving slowly on the left, I saw a small banner with a tiny phone number. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take a picture or note it down since it was so small. I was hesitant to return because I still had to be in another two places after this. I need to go through a bit circling once again to get the number.

But, this time, I told myself, if I didn’t, I might regret it. This might be another chance that could work. So, I did

Got the phone number and asked right away. Along the way I started compromising my restrictions to have more options. I captured three more phone numbers and asked right away too.

Not long, all came with answers. The only positive answer came from the one whose number I got with an extra effort. Set up an appointment on Monday.

I almost cancelled today’s meeting due to the low energy since the moment I woke up until the moment I typed the first three lines ranting above. I already thought to send a text that I had to cancel, but, some guts said “just don’t, come on!”.

Usually, I tried to use as much as my logic for everything. But, it was hard to deny the good feeling inside about the meeting. When I arrived, met the couple, saw it with my own eyes, it reminded me of the first time I saw our current home, our place in London, our current business place, the red English garden bench, all the things that I have been looking for and need to wait for a while until I found them.

It felt just right.

The rest of the day was spent by discussing things with the co-owner, texting few other people that came to my mind regarding the matter, and suddenly I feel like finding a new purpose for living. Sounds joking but it’s true.

Other than the technical and non-living things, I always consider the kind of people I deal with. I like the people I met today, and I think they like me too. The deal has been done in less than 24 hours. No matter how convincing it feels, entering a new phase is still frightening. The sign : countless repeated Bismillah over and over again, consciously and unconsciously.

At times like this, my thoughts always return to The One Who Decide all affairs. All the sequences that doesn’t seem make sense, but happened. All the knocked doors seem to be voluntarily closed and only open for the right one. All the little things that send me to the particular place or things has one similarities : it happens so fast.

The waiting has always been worth it.

This Monday also marks the end of the fasting marathon during the past two weeks.. Five days of Qadha, and today was all the three Sunnah fasting altogether: Syawal, Monday sunnah, and the last day of white moon. The hardest fasting is always those are done after Ramadan. Alhamdulillah for the chance to complete it all.

On my mother’s hometown, after completing six days of Syawal, there is this second Eid called Lebaran Ketupat and it is celebrated quite loud too.

We had iftar at our old home in the mall in one of Indonesian restaurants with wide range and good selection of food and traditional snacks, and they just officially got a halal certification! Another good news that made me happy too.

(I don’t really fond of having iftar outside, it’s tiring. But, the little girl’s had a dentist appointment there and it was too close to iftar time. When it comes to iftar, I always crave for Indonesian food. Another restriction set by me for me).

This Monday looks and feels like another Eid. Literally and figuratively.

Taqabbalallahu Minna wa Minkum Shiyamana wa Shiyamakum (May Allah accept our fasting for you and us).

Eid Mubarak!

(Writing about the mundane events of daily life is underrated. This Writer said it well).

This Eid, I met two lifelong friends (separately)
We have been friends since elementary school (1992) and junior high school (1997).

We did not communicate intensely throughout the years, but once we met, everything just flowed naturally—like two people who have known each other for a lifetime.

Three hours of conversation catching up with life, and no single picture taken, no tag or mention needed. This is a lifelong, low-maintenance friendship that makes the heart whole.

Time flies when you‘re having fun.

I have been enjoying this Ramadan, most of the time, at home. No iftar outside up until half of the holy month which I am so grateful for.

The last time I really enjoyed iftar outside was around 2012. After that, I won’t trade anything for iftar at home and it’s getting stronger as I grow older.

Since 2019, I have totally different Ramadan experiences than I did from childhood until 2018. Raised by highly extroverted parents who are always opt to loud Ramadan, I finally found kind of Ramadan that suits me most.

The quiet, the peaceful, and the simple one.

Realizing that the most comfortable iftar done is one you do at home, wearing your comfortable clothes, with a simple meal. No food spread on the table for iftar. Just a decent meal to fill the stomach and one or two snack. Short break after maghrib and before tarawih in silence, then tarawih at home, and bed time at 9-9.30 pm so you can wake up early for tahajud and sahoor.

This might sound boring, but, personally, this is the key to stay healthy and happy all through Ramadan.

This Ramadan, I clipped more routines to prayer times and so far it works pretty well. I love that I have something better compared to last Ramadan. I read more about Islamic scholars books, and I think it’s a blessing that knowledge is really everywhere these days.

Halfway thorough Ramadan, may we all be granted all the blessings and the strong finish at the end of the month. Amiin.

15 Ramadan 1446H

Since finishing The Defining Decade last year, one word has been playing inside my head.

One word that seems to make sense is to explain why people get what they want, achieve what they strive for, and what separates them from those who don’t.

In Ramadan, I know some people/businesses that close fully for the whole of Ramadan, finish the Quran and do many other things that I once wondered how they could do.

Among many words that could explain contributing factors to the cases above, first and foremost, it starts with one thing :

Intention.
Those people above are all being intentional in the first place.

They know what they want to do and achieve; they know Ramadan is coming, so they’re intentionally preparing for it.

When we are intentional, we choose to make decisions and take action on what’s important to us. Being intentional means getting clear and upfront about what you want to achieve. We intentionally set an intention to achieve a specific outcome or result in the future that is important to us.

Setting goals without the proper intention won’t take us far and long. That explains why many New Year resolutions fail, diet regimes lasts for a while, and many more. When we only hav goals, we only play for a short term. But, when we’re being intentional, we’ll keep playing no matter what.

It also makes sense why In Islam our reward is only as good as our intention. It emphasizes being intentional is the foundation of all the deeds that we do.

Our Ramadan and our life in general, here in this dunya, and later in the hereafter, is only as good as our intention.

It is both this simple and this hard.

For up to 10 days, there’s a single line that I repeat to either my daughter or her father whenever we’re out : “Why is it so empty and quiet?”

This Ramadan is unusually quiet and less crowded than before. In a regular pattern of numerous past Ramadans, in the morning, the traffic would be getting crowded, like really crowded, around 7 to 9 am. But, the trip to school for the past 10 days has been the most enjoyable. I cursed less than before, apart from refraining due to fasting.

That’s weekdays. I was driving thrice last Saturday. In the morning, it was empty. Okay, it’s normal for Saturday morning roads in Ramadan to be empty. I went out the second time at 11 a.m. for swimming practice. It was still empty, slightly. It only took 10 minutes to go to the pool. What’s more unusual, it took around 10 minutes to go home from the pool, which normally takes at least 20-30 minutes.

Then, we went out again around 2 p.m. for a therapy session. I overslept and thought we would be late for 2:30 p.m. We left at 2.10 p.m. and arrived leisurely at 2.27 p.m.

The most weirdest thing of all, when we went home around 4 pm, the traffic was as leisure as the departure. Slightly more crowded, but that was not the typical Saturday traffic in Ramadan, at the beginning of month.

Saturday in Ramadan has always been the time when people go out to have an iftar gathering. Usually, we need to go out and book a table as early as 4 pm and the traffic has always been crazy.

Yet last Saturday, there was close to zero traffic. The traffic has never been this good, yet I felt so bad.

Another regular I don’t see much this Ramadan is a blewah and timun suri ( cantaloupe and a kind of cucumber fruit only available in Ramadan) seller. They are a significant component of the Ramadan vibe around the town. Usually, a few days before Ramadan starts, we can see both fruits everywhere.

This Ramadan, I hardly see any.

I went to a traditional market today, which was as quiet and empty as possible.

Ramadan is the most festive season of the year, but it feels like we have a silent Ramadan this year. Unlike in 2020, when it was tense due to COVID-19, this year it feels more unlively and, say, a bit depressing and gloomy.

The country’s current situation is undoubtedly not at its best.

On to the second leg of Ramadan. Bismillah.

10 Ramadan 1446 H.

Ramadan is not a time to catch up with outsiders and external stuff. We have another 11 months to do that.

Ramadan is a time and space to catch up and take care of whatever we have been neglecting inside.

The inside work requires silence. Turning down the volume knob and shutting down all of it so we can hear clearly.

5 Ramadan 1446H