Category: Thoughts

My late mother told me that your workplace should become your second home. One that you return to every single day, spent most of the day there, it would only be better to feel like home in such place. Definition of home is not merely where the heart is. It’s a place where you know you belong, a place filled with joy with the people you love.

I still remember vividly how that March 6, 2004 was. I was wearing blue stripes shirt with brown skirt, took M18 angkot with the one who’d been always there during my first of everything that happened before 2012. I spent my first 2 hours in my second home. Today, it’s been fifteen years since that cloudy Saturday.

I once wrote about long term relationship. This playground is one of long term relationships that I treasure the most. One that keeps me sane during the worst broken heart, one that helped a lot during hard times, one that sent me achieved three my 20 something dreams, its flexibility that allowed me to take care of my mother during her last days as well as being able to be present for Langit most of the time, one that became the only resource for first 6 months of residency, an escape that I longed for comeback after first two crazy months of motherhood. One that always gives me happiness while doing it.

Like Ron Weasley said to Harry Potter when that boy who lived arrived for the first time at The Burrow : “It’s not much. But, yeah, it’s home”.

It describes precisely what I feel about this job. It might be not the fanciest job, the most sophisticated one, or the highest paid too, but for me, it’s home.

Happy 15th anniversary, home.

After letting go lots of meaningful and important things in life that have been around for years, or almost a whole of my age, last month, slowly, the heart starts adapting well to new changes. For someone who is always holding on something for a long time,the way this heart changes is quite surprising.

Used to against the old quote saying that home is where the heart is and it’s not about the place. Stayed in the same house for more than 30 years, then how come home was not about the place? Many important moments in life took place there. But, maybe I forget something : what makes a home is the people inside. So when the people were gone, the feeling followed.

The change of home brings new findings too. I had always been afraid of either basement or high level parking. Never bring a car to any places when I know the parking doesn’t provide land parking. But then, in this new home, I finally overcome the fear after years. I finally nail sharp climbing to the upper level parking, although everytime I do it, I pray loudly, take my breath slowly and spell many zikir until it is safe enough.

In this new home, I find more time for my self. Especially in the morning and after a long tiring day. Morning rush feels more comfortable since I only take care two easy girls like me and my daughter when the doctor is not around.

It’s quite hard to believe that now I feel more comfortable staying in my new home than the one I had been staying for more than thirty years. Although I still visit it often and some parts of my needs depend on there, but staying overnight doesn’t feel the same anymore. Surprisingly, Langit feels the same way too since she keeps telling me to go back to her new home when we stay for few hours in her old one.

I came to realize although it might be not always pleasant, but some changes are unavoidable and needed to continue life. To see the next new best things life offers ahead. To grab and learn new opportunities to grow.

Staying long in comfort zones is still my favorite place to be. The place where I have luxuries to not doing things I have to do alone in my new home. But, some changes that have been offered along my life, it brought more blessings and surely are much better than my fears. Who knows in few years I turn out to be an acceptable cook when the situation makes me do it? Cooking is never my thing. It’s sad because I was born from a very great one. The greatest well known cook in family. If it really comes true, then I believe that miracle does exist.

Pray for more strengths as few more major changes might have taken place this year.

It’s scary.

1. Tahu untuk merasa malu.

2. Punya rasa takut.

3. Mengerti artinya cukup.

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Hidup harus tahu rasa malu untuk tidak mengambil dari yang bukan haknya.

Punya rasa takut untuk tetap berhati-hati ketika hidup sedang di atas tapi punya keyakinan untuk bertahan ketika hidup sedang di bawah.

Paham bahwa keinginan untuk punya lebih selalu ada, tapi tau kapan harus merasa cukup, berhenti sejenak dan mensyukuri yang ada harus selalu dijaga.

Malu adalah landasan karena itu ia dikatakan sebagian dari iman. Takut adalah lapisan kedua supaya kita selalu berbaik sangka. Cukup merupakan penutup untuk selalu menambah syukur dan mengurangi rasa takabur.

Malu, takut, dan cukup bukan halangan untuk maju. Tapi tiga hal yang harus selalu diingat bahwa semua yang diberikan selalu ada masa berlaku hingga saatnya dikembalikan untuk kemudian dipertanggungjawabkan.

Certaine temps c’est la vie en rose. L’autre temps c’est la vie en rows. À commencer de dimanche hier, une occasion major a changée presque tout la vie.

Je ne veut pas raconter l’histoire ici mais Je seuleument besoin d’ecrire un jour que montre mal sort existe.

La vie ne sera plus la méme après le treize janvier.

It’s been six days of the new calendar but January has brought more than a year could give. Two upcoming weddings, a major change of living place and turn out, another big change is on the way for the second semester.

Since 2012, I have learned a lot in a hard way that plans always come with twists. The bigger the plan, the twist will follow equally. Sometimes, it feels scary to make plans, but what’s life without any plans? Going with the flow is suffocating too.

Maybe the most awaited thing this year is the end of the doctor’s compulsory service. Another hope is for the small bussiness to grow bigger and better, and for all of us to be healthy and happy, although it won’t be easy, to pass this year safely.

Amin.

It’s been a long time since the last real writing. A writing that unloads what’s inside the head and help the heart feels lighter. Not kind of a trip report that could be some helps for other.

This year has been exciting, full of new adventures and surprises, both pleasant and not so one(s), and I love the fact that I read very much more than the past years since twitter exists.

I have certain things that I really have a long ranting and write in details but the mood is rarely here. So, I think a summary would be a good start.

In January, the doctor finished his very last exam in residency and after five years he graduated in February. Surviving residency with all those shits given was such a big milestone. Not only for him, but more for me. Residency gave more than just a title on the back of his name. It made me discover what I am capable of and confirm that my head has been always working better than my heart when it comes to relationship.

The first trip of the year in February was doing with extended family to Bali. Never really enjoyed Bali. Like I never enjoy Indomie or KFC. Not the first time and went the same for the second time. Stayed in five star hotel eighteen years ago and three star hotel this year didn’t make a change of heart about this most favorite island in the world. Oh, and I am not really fond of a group trip where others punctuality is not too reliable.

Trip in March was one of the most exciting ones this year and it was like a soothing trip for the rough and tough one year adventure started in April. We spent seven days having (late) Winter in Tokyo. Compared to previous Autumn in Paris and Spring in London, Tokyo was less hassles and quieter. The expectation was quite low for an european minded girl but Tokyo was an exceed expectation. Hospitality, food, nature, people, in almost everything. The ticket price was pretty nice, I even got below normal price for their nation airline and was so happy about their service. Japanese hospitality is quite unbeatable.

April marked the biggest adventure of the year for this little family. New policy made just few months before residency graduation. One year compulsory service for five major specialist including the doctor’s. Having a long distance marriage was unavoidable. We had been dealing with several hints which gave pretty high hope to do the work nearby but in the end, we chose to let the fate decide. Tanah Bumbu was the destined place and writing this eight months later, we couldn’t think any better places than this one. Hopefully, we will finish this safe and sound until the end. Amin.

April was also another family trip to Jogja which I wasn’t really impressed in almost every part. The city, the hotel, the food, the trip, it was not so enjoyable for me.

We had a chance to visit Surabaya and stayed in our best favorite place this year. Unlike Jogja, Surabaya trip was impressive and became my second favorite this year. I am always in about nice, clean, and walking friendly big city. Surabaya now is definitely one.

June spent by having annual mudik trip and for the first time we were going by train for cost saving. Going by train might be not time-friendly, but it is surely less hassle.

July spent quietly without moving around but a big milestone for the baby took place. She started her very first school year and gladly she’s been enjoying school a lot. She has been showing lots of improvements, some more were above expectation. We’re so grateful about that.

Another unexpected trip came in August. Aftee six years, visiting Kuala Lumpu once again granted. While the doctor having seminar, the girls were sight seeing by themselves. Meeting Siti and her little family was the trip highlight.

The small bussiness we run celebrated its first anniversary too in August. Survived the first year matters a lot. Some people were gone, the old layout changed into a new one, and so far the second year has been more enjoyable with less squad but more effective in many aspects. It’s not only a mere bussiness who generates money, to me, this one feels like my second child.

September was the slowest month this year and I loved it. But, some news shaken the balance of the family which also becomes the first major change happen next year, God’s will. Not really want to go detailed about this.

October is time for new age for both of us and as usual, almost zero celebration.

November has always been the gloomiest since six years ago. Not only because of the circumstances, but the weather has been also supportive about that. The baby turned four this month and she was having small birthday celebration at her two schools. I, who against the idea at the beginning, should be grateful after receiving the pictures her teacher sent showing her big smile and happy face.

Finally, December came and after six years of marriage, we moved out to our own place, not because we want to but more of we have to. Glad we found one that suited us best at the moment. Although it was still soft moving out, this one is a big change for me. Leaving the place I treasure dearly called home for more than thirty years feels like another end of comfort zone. Then, it means growing up to the next level would be taking place next year.

Heading to the new year is exciting as well as frightening when facing certain and uncertain life changing events are on schedules. I wish nothing more than the strength, patience and complete guide to do things that we have to do, to pass every test given while keep being grateful for every single blessing bestowed upon us.

Amin.

Morning sunshine.

Slow driving to exercise class.

The wind blowing from the window.

Wandering mind.

Shitty days exist.

But life never fails doing its job.

It goes on.

There’s nothing much that will kill you.

August, 2017.

I have been living ‘uncomfortably’ comfortable after Paris was beautifully executed in last year. Having all three big dreams fulfilled was one of the greatest feeling I had as a human. Paris became my third and last twenties personal biggest dream to achieve. Then, when it was done, what’s next? Nothing.

And, with that, the emptiness attacked.

Less spiritful days, going through month by month by keep asking ‘what’s next’, and no satisfying answers came. Thinking about living the rest of time without having any specific dream is torturing. Of course, there’s Langit who makes another big purpose, but Langit is not a dream. She is my responsibility, whether I like it or not, I have to keep going.

I’d been thinking about going back to several places that once made me happy, but with current situation, it didn’t feel that appealing anymore. Those places like school and french course were only suitable for my carefree twenties. Not with my heavy and full of responsibilities thirties. I should find something else that is worth my time and energy better.

I am almost done with myself. I have no unfulfilled dream which I would regret not having it when I die. I had travelled quite a lot, I did my master degree abroad, I did my Hajj, I took care of my mother until her last breath, I am taking care of my father in his old age, I enjoy my current work and feel the satisfaction about that, I sleep, eat, and live safely and comfortably.

I have received a lot. It’s about time to return the kindness. Something that is worth my energy and my time shouldn’t be something that centered to myself. It should be bigger than that. I should upgrade definiton of work for myself too. Something that is not only about me, but more for others.

I have learnt a lot that work(s) is only meaningful if you have clear purpose and goals to be achieved. Without them, work feels like a routine to earn money, to pay those endless bills monthly, and wushh, it’s gone without a trace.

I’ve been craving for work that has some significant impacts for others and for myself to drag me out of my comfort zone. I want to do more than what I have been doing, I need to learn something new and exciting because I feel like I am done with my current lesson chapter.

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October, 2018.

This writing has been saved in draft for almost a year. Somehow I couldn’t finish it because,wow, never knew starting and running a bussiness would be such headache and honestly, I felt it was too far from cool. Although it’s still a tiny one, but the problems to deal with were quite a lot. Dealing with employees, customers, the license owner, the struggle to make sales and getting customer, there were real battles.

There were times when I felt I really wanted to give up and just let it run with the flow, but, I just couldn’t do it. We have started and I want to see where this will be going to. If this one fail later, I need to make sure that I have done everything in my power to make this work.

Through this tiny bussiness, I now understand how safe it is to be an employee, not to say this to offend since I am still one too until now. You jusy have to do your work and every certain date you get your paycheck. Done. Meanwhile as a bussiness owner, I have been constantly insecure whether the sales could make it to pay all the salary and rent.

It’s been a year and progresses have been here. The old store has been renewed and among four first employees, three were not there anymore and it is okay. I also learn that people are replacable. Losing one, the other one will come. Of course it takes certain things to deal with new one, but, to keep someone who doesn’t want to stay or giving bad influence to the store culture, I prefer letting them go. I also decide to hire male employee only. Me as a woman is more than enough. The bussiness suits male more than female too.

Like almost everything in life, I take this one seriously too. Never missed a day visiting the store and checking the work result and doing quality control on each work given to the employees. Keep thinking and searching ways to improve sales, because this one should have real profit. Replying those inquiries, complaints,and sending notifications to customers, and dealing with monthly report.

Running this bussiness feels like having a second child. By having another child it means I have to sacrifice another thing too like cutting another working day so I can be more focused. There were times when I also totally cut any ties from dramaland. Watched not even one drama for months. The real life dramas had been more than enough at that time and there were times when I feel like resigning from this.

Maybe just like raising a child, first year is always the toughest, physically and emotionally taxing, and for me this one is no different. Entering the second year, it’s more comfortable for some part but I still couldn’t lose my guard. I always have this kind of feeling that when I am loose when it’s calm, I have to pay more during the storm.

Of course I don’t have to stand by all day during open hours, but I always come everyday before the operation hours. I am still dealing with stuffs when I am home or even during the trip. Yes, I keep dealing with this too when I was overseas.

I am pretty lucky to have this team with me who can be trusted with money and work and they have been very much reliable. Without them, I couldn’t do this at all. I could take few days off during my trip and having them report to me daily and so far it’s been running well. Alhamdulillah.

It’s too early to say this one a succesful one and almost never this one becomes something I boast about everywhere. It’s far from easy yet I am beyond grateful having this chapter full of new learnings in my life. When some statements above seemed saying that it’s really hard and far from pleasant, in fact, I enjoy many parts of this. I enjoys replying messages, explaining about things, showing what we have done, eventough the end is not always become sales, but It feels nice knowing I have helped someone with their curiosity.

In the end, hopefully this one gives more benefits to people who use our service and also the employees who work with us, and if it can touch more lives, then I would be much happier.

Wishing for more endurance to survive this and become better than before. Amin.