Category: Thoughts

This post was written almost a year ago before the Summer in Seoul trip. It was written right when I thought I found a happy ending. But, the bigger storm turned out coming right after this writing finished.

But, as many other previous storms, it finally ended and the one who stayed, finally stay, thankfully until now.

April, 2019.

I remember writing two posts about twist when I had my first Ilana Tan trip. I knew dream and twist are inseparable, but it turns out that trip and twist are coming together too. Escpecially when it’s trip abroad.

Twist is unavoidable, but as if it is not enough, most of the time, they came one by one like layered twists. One came, solved, then another came and so on. Until when? Until the very last minute. Judging from my social media posts, almost all the trip seems flawless. What people don’t know is what it takes until we ‘deserved’ such trips.

All these Ilana Tan trips also come with twists. Paris has been told in previous post. Spring in London was quite high tension because it was the time when the doctor had his very last national exam for residency. At that time, the exam date would be between 22-23 April, either he got Jakarta or Makassar. Our flight to London departed at 2 pm on 23rd April. While the rumour said because his base is in Jakarta then he would fly to Makassar.

It was one of those time when long and hard prayers were spelled in every breath. Prayed for the most possible exam date so he could go with us, as planned. As the date was getting closer yet without any official announcement, the heart was highly abused indeed. There were times when there felt like no hope. Once the news was out, it was either yes or no.

The result came just four days before departure. He got 22nd April in Jakarta afternoon session.

I felt so sorry and thankful for my heart that had been enduring such pain for weeks.

Tokyo was another long waiting for another announcement, once again, it was about the doctor stuff. It was about WKDS departure date and placement. We had been waiting for the news since January and it finally came out at the end of February. We were quite lucky that the date was safe enough for the trip. Compared to three other trips, Tokyo was the lightest one.

Now, Seoul. Getting permission from the doctor side is always nerve-wrecking but beside that, additional twists came too. Running a small bussiness is not easy but having a good team helps to reduce the headache a lot. For this past 1,5 months, I realize that every bussiness, especially the small one, depend a lot on its people.

It started when few months ago, the oldest team member that we treasured quite a lot said that he would resign by the following month. We usually didn’t hold anyone for resigning but this one we questioned him deeply whether he was sure about this. The answer was certain.

Then we started new recruitment process and decided to hire one person. It went smooth for the first week but then, the true character finally appeared. Tardy often, lots of excuses, the most unacceptable one, didn’t show up without any notice. For us who only hire two employees, each of them matters a lot. Losing one means disturbing the bussiness. Why dont we hire three? Cost.

In one day, looking for subtitute done. Luckily, the other candidate was still available and accepted the offer immediately. Repeating training process from zero was tiring and wasting time but there was nothing we could do. Getting one that was readily available was good enough.

Just two days after the new hire first day, his father passed away. So, we had to run with one again. Luckily, the other one who has been with us for a year is a reliable one. After the storm end, the one year person asked me if he could take a day off. It was arranged well with the new one that they would take turn. The senior got one day off on Monday, the new one got his on Saturday. Practically, everyone was having two and half days off. Win-win solution. The new hire was quite a fast learner too. So, another stormy period safely passed.

But, it was as if the Almighty up there said, “Do you really think it’s over? Come on, we still have time until your departure. Shall we have another one?”

You shall.

Two days before the senior days off, the new one texted that he needed to resign by Monday because he got another offer (better one of course), and his mother asked him to take it. It was Thursday evening and I had three days to find a replacement. At that time, I didn’t even have no words to say how pissed I was to that person. How the h*ll I could find a new employee in three days while the senior would also have his days off. I had no heart to cancel his trips. Meanwhile, my trip is only a week away.

Desperate and hopeless.

I refused to post any job ads online because it wouldn’t do us good to openly look for new hire within short time. The only option was to do close recruitment. Since we only had three days, I sent text to several people. Remember the oldest team who resigned? We contacted him first asked him to return. Why? Because, from our obsevation on his social media, he also had resigned from his new job. Survived his new job in less than a month. Kids nowadays.

After several text, he declined the offer. I was torn between relieved and dissapointed. Relieved because taking the old one means we are that desperate but it was the safest choice since we dont have to do any training anymore.

I decided to send texts to those who had contacted us before when they were asking for a job. Other than the old team, I also sent texts to few candidates from the last interview batch. Zero result.

That night felt too long.

The next Friday passed without any clear hopes. I couldn’t think any other way than waiting.

The pray answered in Saturday morning when I woke up and looked for my phone. An application letter arrived on the email. Neatly written and looked good. I replied the email immediately and it was so relieving that the boy replied instantly. A quick interview done, he started right away.

Two days after the senior returned from the trip, another hassle came. He got sick and should take another two days off. So, the new little boy had to go alone under my supervision.

That week was a hellish one. Juggling between this and that. Stayed late at store. Opening hour has been modified, doing whatever could be done to keep going.

The bright side, the new one is quite good at doing his main job and he is quite helpful. Eager to stay longer too. That means a lot for me. I hope this time, this one stays for a longer and proper time. Amin.

They said what doesn’t kill make you stronger. I know enough about that.

But, sometimes I just dont want to be strong and I’d rather just being safe. (Safe means no new plan for going places?)

Thats hard too.

Your choice, your battle.

There are times when I feel so stuck and hopeless about things. No matter how hard, how long, how much energy, time, and money spent, the progress craved for is not signifcant enough. As if we would never be there.

It wasn’t the first time this feeling came of course. Knowing I had been in this stuck feeling before, once or twice is quite soothing. Knowing I once survived that, and finally got ‘there’, gives the slightest hope that I will be there too one day. God only knows when.

I have learned since a long ago that we don’t have to ask why we’re given this and that, because some parts of life happened are never under our control. No matter how often people glorify we always have choice, some things don’t offer one. You can’t quit, get rid or leave but to keep going with it.

Still, the heavy heart is here.

The frustration won’t go.

The anxiety keeps following.

The things to be grateful for are there, but it doesn’t make the problems dissappear.

There are times that I don’t feel like counting the blessings. There are times I don’t want to hear any consolation words.

There are times I just want to say it’s hard.

Received two grief news within a week of the passing of two women who were known through mutual acquaintances. Both were on my age, leaving their two little children behind. Although I didn’t know them personally, but still, the thought of the children who lost their mother in such young age is painful.

It’s a heart-wrenching reminder that life is actually the most fragile thing in the world. One tiny single thing could turn your life upside down. One single unmeaningful thing could lead to the broken of long-kept trust, no-turn-back separation, and the end of happy days you thought would last forever.

One ‘kun fayakun’ from the owner of this life could make you jump from the top of the world to the bottom of the earth core.

The scariest thing is that you have no control about this. Death and misfortunes are always lurking around, waiting for the exact time to appear after it’s being commanded from the owner of the whole life. No single second of negotiation, no matter how much effort you have done to anticipate any miscalculations.

Death should always be a constant and strong reminder to live kind of life which deserves to be granted a good ending. That is far from easy and not just everyone is granted with such good ending. What is a good ending? It’s up to us to choose what kind of things we aim to measure our life.

Watching my closest families died few times makes me believe one thing : the way we die determined by the way we live. We can’t choose our start, but we really can work hard for our ending. In the end, we only get the ending we deserve to have. Just like the future shaped from what we do today, the next life would be also the result of the deeds we have done in previous life.

Shouldn’t we then live the life like the famous line from Imam Ali Bin Abi Thalib RA?

Work for this world as if you will live forever and work for the here-after as if you will die tomorrow.

I pray that both families given the strength they need to go through everything, may those little children would be always protected, and may the mothers rest well.

Ready or not, finish or unfinish,

when it’s time to go, we go.

When it’s time to let go, we just have to let go.

Hari pertama di tahun yang baru dibuka dengan berita banjir di Jakarta. Daerah rumah di Jakarta sudah sekitar 7 tahun ke belakang absen banjir. Dulu tiap siklus 5 tahun salah satu perumahan yang paling parah dan sering masuk tv. Udah pernah ngerasain di evakuasi pake perahu karet dari atap rumah di tahun 2007 kalo ngga salah.

Dapat kabar kalo kemarin perumahan kembali banjir, mobil sempat kemasukan air, dan beberapa rumah tetangga yang rendah, airnya sampai masuk ke rumah. Bahkan beberapa area yang dulunya bebas banjir kemarin jadi banjir, lebih buruknya ada korban jiwa.

Selain simpati, sedih, terus terang lebih banyak putus asa dan apatisnya.

Setelah mengira kita sudah maju cukup jauh, ternyata kembali ke titik yang sama. Salah satu hubungan tersulit adalah hubungan dengan negara dan kota tempat saya tinggal. Sulit sekali bisa bener-bener sayang. Saya percaya banyak orang baik, tapi kenyataannya orang-orang yang punya kesempatan, tanggung jawab lebih dan kekuatan signifikan untuk membangun, memperbaiki negara dan ibukota ini, pernah ngga sih benar-benar punya itikad itu?

Pernyataan kaya gini ngga perlu dipelintir jadi mulai aja dari diri sendiri, jangan semua mengharap pemerintah. Bukan itu poinnya. Sudah tugas pemerintah sebagai yang punya kuasa dan sumber daya untuk melakukan, membangun hal-hal yang sifatnya untuk kepentingan bersama. Tipikal sekali kalau negara/kota kita itu setiap ada bencana tindakannya selalu hanya kuratif. Tapi jaraaaaaanggg sekali yang preventif.

Waktu bencana terjadi semua sibuk turun tangan kasih bantuan. Buat yang swadaya dari masyarakat, perlu dikasih apresiasi. Tapi, yang dari pemerintah, kecuali yang berwenang sudah melakukan semua cara dengan kekuasaan dan kekuatan yang mereka punya untuk mencegah atau paling tidak meminimalisir kerugian yang ditimbulkan dari bencana, bantuan pada saat bencana itu omong kosong.

Setelah bencananya selesai, lupa lagi. Ngga pernah benar-benar dipikirkan harus apa sih supaya ngga terulang. Orang pinterya banyak tapi ngga ada yang benar-benar peduli. Ngga ngerti saya apa yang dipikirin. Sudah jelas ada siklusnya kapan curah hujan paling tinggi terjadi tiap tahun, sudah ada historinya kejadian di tahun 1997, 2002, 2007, Jakarta berubah jadi lautan. Kok bisa masih take it for granted juga? Gemes sampe pengen nangis saking frustasinya.

Pas bencana terjadi semua bantuan didatangkan. Tapi setelah bencana, keberlanjutan hidup harus dipikirkan sendiri lagi. Saya merasa kita ini punya negara auto pilot. Hampir semua harus diusahakan sendiri. Secara individu yang tangguh banyak, tapi secara karakter bangsa keseluruhan, jauh. Kebijakan yang berubah-ubah dalam segala hal, satu hal baik dari yang sebelumnya jarang sekali diteruskan dan lebih pilih jalankan yang baru atau malah ngga ada yang dikerjakan.

Sampai saya percaya, bahwa kemungkinan sampai seratus tahun ke depan, kita ngga akan pernah bisa maju.

Ini bukan hanya berlaku di soal banjir. Tapi di banyak hal seperti di pendidikan, kesehatan, dan fasilitas publik lain yang seharusnya sudah sewajarnya disediakan oleh negara untuk warganya. Tiga bulan di London, saya baca banyak sekali buku yang buat saya iri sekali dengan penulis-penulis yang cerita tentang keadaan negara yang ada di buku itu. Saya pengen sekali nulis dan bahas beberapa buku yang bikin saya iri ini. Nanti mungkin.

Saya inget pernah nulis ini waktu Indonesia ultah ke 73 kalo ngga salah,

Loving you is not easy.

Leaving you is not a choice.

Giving up on you would never be an option.

Happy birthday, Indonesia.

Please, grow up.

Mungkin ngga ya bisa terkabul, suatu saat entah kapan?

I once searched the same topic when I first came here last September. After the honeymoon period of tourist mode was over, the budget was getting tighter, it was only right to find an alternative to do grocery shopping other than in the famous supermarket like Tesco and Sainsbury, or even the higher level one like Mark and Spencer and Waitrose. Once we settled with our flat, the searching for the most reasonable place for grocery shopping became urgent since daily needs and most of our money would be spent there.

The term ‘the best’ here refers to several variables such as price, quality, and availability of the product. We are quite lucky to live in area where we could get the best of those variables in easily accessible places.

When it comes to price, Lidl is obviously on the top of the list. It’s the cheapest among any other supermarkets. When you need fresh vegetables, onion, garlic, fruit, mushroom, Lidl is a better place, even compared to traditional market. With such price, the quality is as well good.

You can get garlic at the same amount with lesser price in Lidl. For example, one pack of garlic in an asian store at traditional market is £1, in Lidl with exactly same amount, even bigger, it costs only 0.62 pence. I paid £1 for two large onions in traditional market, but only spent 0.53 pence for a bag of onion (contain 6-7 pieces of medium onion).

When you go to other supermarkets, the cheapest box of cornflake costs around £2-2,5, in Lidl, assuming you are not fanatic about one brand, with the same thing for cereal, it costs only 50-80 pence. The difference matters (a lot to me).

They even have a pack of rice for only 45 pence. Bless this place of budget saver.

So, Lidl wins for the price and quality.

How about availability and variations?

For these two, Lidl has a rival named ASDA. When it comes to price, Lidl is only slightly cheaper than Asda. The difference is only 5-10 pence for the same item. Asda is better when it comes to variation of products. They have better much selections of spices, frozen food, kind of milk, pastries, and donuts. Another plus point from Asda, they have Halal section on their store. Although they are quite pricey, but the variation leaves you with many choices. You can find lots of halal certified frozen food in Asda. Other than food, you could find home appliances too in big Asda store with pretty good price.

Our microwave was not working well last week and had it repaired costs more than having a new one, we went to Asda to buy new microwave for only £35. Compared to the items we saw in the kitchen appliances store, which cost twice than Asda, it is safe to say that it’s really a good deal.

I always do grocery shopping on Monday. Although lots of promo are offered on weekend, but, doing it on Monday is more preferable. Just like what I did back in Jakarta. Tip Top on weekend is one of the scariest place to be, so does Lidl, Tesco and Asda. Maybe not as scary as Tip Top, but still.

The nearest Asda branch from our place located in a weekend market yard where lots of asian stores and halal butchers are around. So, every Monday spent taking turn between Asda-asian store and Lidl.

When we need wider variation of products, Tesco is our choice. I bought some products like jam and honey in Tesco. When you’re too lazy to visit asian store, Tesco has almost everything that you need from asian store with a slightly higher price. I am talking about a proper Tesco here, not the Tesco express. Just like Asda, Tesco also provides halal section on their store. But, for the variety of products, Asda still has them better. Asda even has packed lamb meat. Something that is quite hard to find.

When Tesco and Sainsbury is more known since they are usually located in touristy area, Lidl and Asda are less famous because most of their stores located in the residential area.

Unlike the doctor, I am quite meticulous about the price, even for the last two pennies behind. For me, every penny matters. Doing the grocery shopping on Monday is also more preferable since I am doing it alone. When its been done as family trip on weekend, I am too scared of disobeying the budget that has been set, because mostly, the shopping goes without the list. Things that we do not (really) need could make it until the cashier desk and finally more pounds are going out of wallet.

I am currently reading a book about an English woman who did an experiment to experience one year without spending other than the compulsory bills and basic daily needs. It’s been quite enjoyable reading and one of her item is about limited grocery shopping budget. The first thing that she did was switching her grocery place from Sainsbury to… Lidl😁.

She only bought what she really used, ate and consumed. She could only do her next grocery when her fridge is almost empty. She also restrained herself from eating out, buying coffee, or even buying lunch/dinner while she has gathering with her friends.

This book is quite relatable for me because for some parts, I have done what she did. But, I am still far too relaxed about buying this and that. My heart is always be the weakest when it goes to bread. My love for bread still wins over the budget saving.

I am planning to be more careful in selecting things that pass the temptation to enter my basket for next month. I can be so firm about things, but can be too scarily relax about food. So, let’s see.

May the force be with me.

I didn’t know or maybe I rarely thought, there would be a day when I really have to let go almost all things that have been staying with me for a long time. Even worse, after letting go all those things, I don’t know where to go.

I have been always one with to-do list since I was little. Always come with a day to day schedule or long term plan,it’s all on my head.

Two first paragraphs were written before arrived in London and I just got stuck. Gonna try to finish this in one shot now. Hopefully.

It’s been three weeks since we arrived yet it feels as if it’s been few months. They say time flies when you’re having fun. But, saying that this new life has no fun too is pretty unfair. It’s far from easy yet it’s still survivable. We’re having enough food, money is quite tight, yet still on the level that I could accept, and proper good night sleep. Three basic things are secured. For now.

While the other two have started their own ‘pleasant’ daily routines, it’s still a luxury thing for me. ‘What’s Next’ has been continously questioned for some time before the departure and still no definite answer available. I have several things in mind, but none seem to be fitted well with the situation.

This week was the first week of Langit’s school days. School pick up and delivery become one of the new routines to be dealt with. She got into reception class, one level above nursery just before primary, just like kindergarten. The long school hours, from 9.00 am -15.30 pm also left me with long hours of leisure time.

The only daily routines available for now are doing houseworks, groceries and still playing tourists in between. Houseworks were still manageable. Tried to finish everything before sending Langit to school. Six hours of leisure time is too precious to be used for doing mere houseworks.

Grocery time has been always my favorite. Finally found the place which offered the most pleasant price for the wallet after comparing several stores.

Playing tourist is too unavoidable. London has a lot to be explored and I don’t even do much. I set one day in a week for me playing, just like today. Been planning to visit Harry Potter’s Diagon Alley since it’s only a bus riding from Langit’s school. It was raining but, it was very nice to be among the crowd where I didn’t feel like a stranger. Haha.

Professional work has still need to be working on. Found something yet it’s still on discussion. But, at least having something to be looked forward to feels soothing.

Maybe the answer from the question above is not meant to be discovered instantly. Just like many whys that I have been continously asking to the One who decides all affairs, the answer of my questions usually take a long time until they arrive at the right time. Never too soon, never too late.

Our moving to London is one of the answers from one of the whys asked long ago.