Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

My Mother, The Keeper

My mother was one the most visioner person I have ever known. Her thoughts were mostly beyond what others could see. Most of the time, everything that she said in present time, likely to be true in the future.

She liked to keep things that she thought will be useful in the future. Not a short term one but a very long time in the future. Thanks to her, I saved a lot of money from buying some important baby stuffs. These are not only something small like clothes or sheets, but things that you couldn’t buy at the same quality  even if you do have the money to buy it. These things have been kept for years neatly and nicely.

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The crib has been here for more than 30 years. Me and my siblings have our pictures taken inside this crib. Not only us, some of our cousins used this crib too. Langit is lucky enough to be the first grandchild in the family so she has the chance to sleep in this legendary bed.

This rattan play yard was bought when my cousin was born 10 years ago. My mum bought it with the thought her daughters would surely need this once they had  babies themselves. See,  she was rarely wrong. Langit enjoys being inside this box a lot. It will soon being moved to my little sister’s house since she needs it more than us when her second child  is coming.

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Well, this one is freshly built this afternoon. After my sister texted that she would take the rattan box by next week, I keep thinking the replacement of that box. Although it is no longer urgent to keep Langit inside a box, I like the idea of keeping her personal space where she can play and rest, both upstairs and downstairs.

I keep searching any alternatives to replace the box and thinking of buying the second one. But, most of those were above my budget. I don’t eager to spend on something that is not really urgent.

Then, the idea came. Instead of play yard or similar thing, I thought about a baby pool. A large one. But again, it’s quite weird putting a pool inside the house. It doesn’t look good for me. Until I remembered about this tent.

It has been here for 26 years. It was bought in 1994 when we stayed in Manchester for two months. We used to play it often when we were young. We really loved it. It wasn’t big so we had fights deciding who would sleep inside the tent.

The good old memories were flooding inside my mind while me and le husband built this one together. It gives warmth remembering the good old days we had and it is such a pleasure to share this happiness to Langit. She looked so happy and couldn’t help keep smiling when the tent was ready with all her toys inside. 

Unlike the current trend nowadays where people do pre-loved sales of their used things like bags, clothes, shoes, my mother often reminded us not to sell things that we have bought. It’s either you keep it or you pass it to other when you’re no longer use it. She was strongly against getting money from selling our stuff, whether when we’re in need of money or not. So, until now, we send out a box or two of unused clothes, shoes, bags, or tableware every few months and give it to our regular recipients.

Along with that kind of mindset, a good taste also follows. Those bags, shoes, clothes, cupboard, bed sheets, or whatever it is, I don’t know how she found such good quality and chic ones. She truly had good eyes. Last four years, I haven’t bought any shoes and bags. The real shoes and bags. I have been using hers. Luckily, we have the same shoes size.

Whenever I think about my mum, I can’t help being emotional thinking how lucky I am having her as my mother and how desperate I am to be as good as her to my daughter.

I had my greatest honour as a child of being able to be next to my mother on her last days. I wish to have another one as a mother. 

I wish to be remembered like I remember my mother by my child(ren). Whenever they think about me, they will be happy and proud of having me as their mother.

Way to go and hopefully I’ll get there. Amin.

Posted in Thoughts

Sunday Morning’s Babble

Silence in Sunday morning while the baby is still sleeping, breakfast checked, and nothing else to be done, always make my mind wander along to the past. Sunday morning used to be filled with lots of good cartoons on TV and fought over choosing which to be watched with my siblings. Sometimes I won, sometimes they did. Thinking about how I hated it those times back then, it is really funny knowing I really miss those things now.

The thought of the (good) old days makes my mind jump into another thing. Sibling(s) for Langit. I have constant battle in my mind about this particular thing. Mostly, you have your first child by will. You ask  and wait for it badly. But, for the next one(s), usually for some people, the will is not as strong as they have for the first one. Of course, there are exceptions where some people seem enjoying to repeat the cycles within short interval like Kate Middleton for instance. She’s currently expecting her third child after just giving birth her second this year. But then, she is Kate Middleton.

My mind is constantly changing about repeating all the cycles once again. There are times when I have firmly decided that one is more than enough for me, then the other times, the firm decision becomes as weak as jelly.

I don’t know whether we need to justify the right reason to go for second, third, and so on.  Honestly, deep inside, I am not really okay with one. But, when I looked back everything that I have been through alone, it scares me, well, pretty much. I am questioning myself whether I can be keep sane while dealing with one sometimes drained out my low level patience.

People said the first third or five years will (may)be hard, but after that, it will gradually easier and you won’t regret all those years you have been through. Well, okay.. But, my concern is how to go through those first years safely and sanely. When others worry more about money, I don’t really think about that. Money is surely important thing to raise a child well, but for that thing, I have enough confidence and trust that if we are given the next one, it will also come with its adequate sustenance. I have no doubt about that.

I worry more about time. I am in my early 30’s and I don’t know for how many years I have to raise my kids until they can do well on their own. Not having my mother around while I am being a mother makes me realise time is very limited. I am lucky enough to have her around and took as much as lesson from her during her lifetime, until I really can do well even without her presence. For every prayer I spell during shaalat, time  and health are all I ask for me so I can do the job well.

Reading the news all over the world recently makes me  want more to go for another. The world has become so much scary these days. The thought of leaving the baby alone here breaks my heart. Well, let alone the world, let’s see the nearest circle. If one day those kids are having hard times, whether with us their parents, or with others which they won’t talk about with me or their father, they will have each other back.

I have a certain limit to decide whether I will or won’t for this thing and I have told le husband about this. But then, isn’t all plan will be back to the one who decides for all affairs in our life?

That’s why I keep asking, for whatever, whenever, and whoever that Allah decides to be present in my life, He will give the best of everything according to my need. Amin.

Hence, Bonne journée à vous!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Life happens, Thoughts

Running Once Again

It’s not a literal title. I am not a runner, nor a fan of running. The word here refers to the current situation where is being well described as running.

Ramadan is here. Years before, Ramadan always brings something different. Something fun, exciting, meaningful, and gives that warm feeling.

The last four years, after all those big things happened in 2012, life has been pretty plain. It’s all about work. Maybe the only major change is having Langit. Other than that, it’s totally about working and saving. Never been to anywhere for the last four years. Literally nowhere.

This year, Ramadan surprisingly brings some unexpected circumstances. If all is going well, I will have the very first mudik during my 30 years of living. We’re going to visit Yangti on the second day of Idul Fitri insya Allah. This will be the first time for Langit to be on the plane, which gives me quite concern.

One thing always leads to another. Other than that, we happen to prepare another bigger journey. For me, it’s the one who has been becoming my constant stomach ache for a long time.

One first huge step was made and even that already felt like an accomplishment for me. Knowing how much and how long I have been holding back. Thinking that it will come very much later than sooner regarding the situation we’ve been living in for the past few years.

Made that first huge step was scary. But, it was as if the universe let it happened. Few past weeks feel surreal, exciting, yet full of worries. The next big step is being prepared and it consumes lots of energy, time, and of course, money. Can’t go with details about this until we (hopefully) really make it.

Chasing a dream is not like playing around. It takes determination, persistence, and your strongest faith to do your best and leave the result for Him to decide. And here I am, using all my resources to go here and there, until we reach the final destination.

I am going to have a faster speed after Idul Fitri. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely pray May this time, it’s really my turn.

Amin.

Posted in Life happens, Thoughts, Travel

The Road to An Unachieved Dream

Today, Wednesday 15 June 2016, as early as 4.45 am, I was securing the very first real step to my most longing dream for years.

Among three, this is the only one I wasn’t able to achieve before marriage. I have been doing lots of things to be here, not only once thinking about to let it go, but in the end, I know I will never be able to really let it go. It won’t leave me. It will keep haunting until it is unlocked.

The past four days have been like a war inside my heart and mind. The battle between to do or not to do has been very intense. Doing a very massive researches using every single possible keywords to assure this time, it’s really the time.

Calculating between the loss and the gain then finally, sincerely asking The One and Only for Him to take care this one longest dream until the end. Ask Him for all blessing to make it happen.

I wish my mum were here, so she can really witness that I am working on this one dream. No one knows better than her how much I want this. I am really going this time, Mum.

I will, Insya Allah.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

From Me to Me

Self-reminder for me due to recent circumstance which bothered my mind, shaken my emotion, like a lot. I have known before long that the world out there is not a comfortable place. Lots of mean people could hurt you physically and mentally. But, not until I become a mother, I feel the real pain of being treated pretty bad by others related to my child.
Ah, so another lesson to learn here.

Dear self, just remember this :Those who despise you will be the ones who toughen you.
Thank them.

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Let’s do at least this much for your child, dear fellow mothers. So maybe the world becomes a bit nicer place.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Long-term Relationships

This morning, something suddenly barged into my mind. It’s quite special so it deserves a blogpost.

This year around this month, I am having a BEP. If you happened to be an economic major student or any similar majors, you must know BEP. It’s Break Even Point. In a simple definition, it’s a condition where a revenue you get is even with the cost you have spent.

In my case, it’s not about the cost. It’s about time. 13 years of piano studying and another 13 years of piano teaching. Thirteen years sounds pretty long, huh? Ah, if we sum up both, then it becomes twenty six years. A bloody 26 years relationship with this piano thing. Sounds even longer, doesn’t it?

Long time ago, I have realized something about a certain thing in my life. I think long-term relationship is my forte. Seems I am destined to that. Either in personal or non-personal, I have mostly been having such a long entanglement.

From simple things like a bag or shoes to a relationship with people, I have years of acquaintance. I have been wearing my Gabor shoes for ten years and still counting. I have been together with my piano for twenty six years, I have been coming to the same exercise class since I was in the second year of high school. So, it’s been around fourteen years. Then, I have been married to a person whom I’ve known and have relationship with for fourteen years.

Being in years of relationship with something or someone, does it mean everything go smoothly? Bien sure que NON!

The sole of my Gabor shoes had been through several repairings. The soles once changed and the leather had once re-sewn, yet it survives until today. It had been countless times when I cried frontally and secretly,  so heavily, asked my mom to let me quit the piano school, yet I kept going. There were times when I had been absent the exercise class, yet I always return.

There were even more and more countless times when we were facing hard times during my relationship with le husband. Any kind of relationship dramas, you mention it, we had it. On-off, bad to the worst break-ups, parents disagreement, long distance, even the marriage was almost cancelled just few weeks before the D-day because of my mum’s sickness. We finally lost her just two weeks before the wedding. In spite of all those hardships, yet we manage to stay together. Langit is the result of a long-time persistence and endurance.

When someone asked how bored it could be being with someone or something for such a long time, or how I survive along those years, here’s an answer.

I have been taught if something is broken, we do repair it or work on it, not change it.

We find solutions, not an exit door, for any problems.

We do our best to stay until the end-term appointed.

Well, no matter how much you love something or someone, in the end, you will part with them, won’t you?

As a child, I am proven to have the strength to endure some hardships. But, as a parent, honestly, I am not really sure if I can do as good as my mum to bear and stand next to my child for her to learn from some hardships. I don’t have much confidence to be as strong as my parents were. But, who knows?

Guess that is all for the morning babbles. Happy 26th piano-niversary, you! Cheers for more years to come!

Posted in Thoughts

A life that We Choose

We have had new Sunday morning routine since last April. Langit has been joining a baby class with nine other babies. It’s actually a class to play and encourage stimulations. It’s quite good so far.

Along the five meetings, I notice that every babies in the class always come with both their mum and dad, or some also come with the nanny. So, some of them come with three companions. The one  who happens to have only an adult companion is mine.

It’s an hour class and babies surely went everywhere from one corner to another. While others were taking turn to chase and guard their babies, I did the job solo. Three out five, I did it alone.

Trust me, chasing a toddler for an hour is similar to a medium to heavy cardio exercise. I have been sweating physically and mentally. Sometimes, I really want to borrow one of those nannies to help, hehe.  Then, mentally sweating more because I feel like most of the time, people probably see me as a single mother.

Another exceptional is about the ride. While others were coming in their four-wheeled engine car, we came in four-wheeled manual stroller. The school is quite close, so it’s not really necessary to go by car. Maybe ten minutes by walk. Beside, Langit enjoys riding on a stroller too, which is something that she rarely has. Ah, our stroller is not a famous branded one. It’s just a simple old stroller we got from one of my uncles.

So, being mostly alone and coming ‘just’ by riding a stroller, people ask me enough with their stare.

Do I (really) care?

Hm, I did and did not. Being different from others can be both good or not that good. Since it’s been several meetings, I don’t really bother about that. People asked sometimes and I just gave them brief answer or smiled.

As long as it doesn’t bother others, I don’t mind being judged for what I have, I choose, and I do. I hope my baby learns that too. We can enjoy just with whatever things that we have. Things will never define the worth of a person.

I am not trying to be humble here. Nor playing modest. I just want to write that it feels good enjoying less comfortable things, less companions, and being noticed for some different things that you do.

Other dads might not have to work on Sunday, while hers (currently) need to. Although her daddy is often absent, one day she will understand, it is for a greater good and a bigger purpose.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy this life that we choose and be grateful for it.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

A Rocky Hard Journey

I often heard the phrase being parents is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Back then, I just knew that as a common line. Until recently, then i think the phrase is not really true. Being parents is ABSOLUTELY the most difficult job in the world.

The writer is currently having a very low self-confindence as a mother due to some circumstances. Not much to tell but surely she feels pretty anxious. She really hope her mom were still here to comfort her.

She feels a bit pressured and confused whether she has been doing right or not. She surely makes mistakes, but of course those are not permanent.

Parenting is one rocky hard journey that doesn’t allow you to quit nor having days-leave. You keep climbing no matter how tired you are until you reach the top.

Not applying to this job is advisable when you’re not mature, strong, and ready enough.

It’s like the Mac user motto :
Once you go Mac, you can never go back.

It goes same with this. One way ticket, no return.

Sigh.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

The Seventeenth Month

I didn’t remember being this late writing about Langit’s monthly post. Not because I am quite busy or do not have enough time, but I just have something that is quite disturbing which makes me a bit less spiritful to write.

So, in the beginning, I put a title The Seventeenth Month and Confidence Crisis for the post. But, I decided to take the second one out. Let the post month keep being all about my baby.

As the previous post said, she has been doing good on this month as usual. Alhamdulillah, she has been healthy, funny, and makes me raising my voice whenever she doesn’t chew and swallow her food for few minutes.

She starts joining a baby class every Sunday. I am thinking about writing this in a separate post, later. If I have the mood.

Well, guess I won’t write too much. You keep healthy and happy, little girl!:*

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Stylish (in pyjama)
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Sporty
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Musical
Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Sekolah Musik Yayasan Pendidikan Musik (SM YPM)

I have a debate whether to write this post in Bahasa or English. The title seems telling you this one will be in Bahasa, while you’re currently reading an English post.

I can’t change the title because it’s a name of a place. And, I don’t intend to write any reviews here. You don’t do reviews to a place you called home.

It’s early morning and rainy outside. Last night was one of the sleepless nights I had because my mind was being occupied with something. Suddenly missing this place so much and couldn’t help thinking about this a whole night. Thinking how much I owe this place for so many things in my life.

I spent a continous 13 years in this place from 1990-2003. Attended every single grade, from the lowest to the very highest. Thirteen bloody years without a break. If you count right, it is almost similar time spent from kindergarten to the end of high school. Well, that was the case for me.

It has two branches now, Manggarai and Bintaro. Back then, it was only Manggarai. I went to Manggarai, for sure. It’s not a mere music school. It’s a real school which not only teaches music, but also educates you in every nice possible ways.

I once wrote about piano already. About what I had been going through there. This time, I want to give reasons why this one is worth the money spent for years.

Judging from its look, it might be just an ordinary building. I am talking about Manggarai branch here because this one is where I spent my time. The class was pretty small and only few of it have air-conditioner. The first eight years I learned there were spent in a non-air conditioner one. A standing fan was there for me.

This place is a real school where they have strict regulations about minimum age to enter, minimum points to pass, and an adequate manners for you to continue to the high level. They pushed the students to practice hard and much. They gave bulky of assignments, they gave enough pressure till we could say
the Darwinism was applied here. The one who said that only those who could adapt well, survived. Those who can’t, would be eliminated, or eliminated themselves.

Didn’t they care about losing student? Nope, they didn’t, don’t and never will do. They have an entrance test which is using for selecting students. Not only the students do the test, they give questions too for the parents. Back then, my mom even was directly interviewed. Now, they just give paper questions to the parents.

They consider how serious and how big the potential chance that the child will survive. That’s why they do interview to the parents also. The parents support play a big role for the survival chance.

I had been assigned to four different teachers during those 13 years. Four years with the first one, three years with the second, two years with the third, and another four with the last one. I was directly taught from the famous pianist Rudy Laban on my last four years in high level. May his soul is rest in peace.

To be honest, those thirteen years were not something that I could call enjoyable. As a little kid, my motivation to practice was as shallow as getting stickers on my notebook whenever I played well. More stickers, more better. In the other hand, I wasn’t a brilliant one also. Since the very beginning, piano was not something that I would claim as my best ability.

Then, so why does bother survive for 13 years?

I questioned myself and my mum too in the past. I cried asking my mum to allow me to quit. I couldn’t stand more of the teachers’ scolding in every lesson we had. I was afraid of performing in front of others. I was so weak in solfegio. Unlike school where I had always been in the top class, piano put me in the lower one. I hated being in some position where I had very least advantage. Invisible might be okay, but considered stupid, nah, that was another thing.

But, it wasn’t until few years after graduated, till I realized how those hard years toughen me. How those pressures made me stronger. How those high demand assignments showed me my true limit. Along with those pressures, they gave dedicated teachers beside you. Teachers who was always on time, well-dressed, patient, though they did enough scolding too, but, never, they gave up on their student.

This school has very strong culture. Maybe the strict rules classical music have surely give big influence. The ambience was pleasant, positive, and politeness was definitely everywhere. Once you were in the high level, with the smaller amounts of student, it gave stronger friendship. They compete soo smoothly. Really, I just realize this not long ago. Those who were the top students were sincerely friendly to each other. They were getting along comfortably while in the other hand, I knew for sure they practised so hard to beat each other.

What was more even incredible, those top students were not being proud at all until they were intimidating others. At least, for the lower rank like me, knowing I was just fairly good was enough pressure already. Feeling bullied or intentionally intimidated, never. What happen was, it gave me more courage to practise harder. Although I would never be as good as them, at least I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of others.

What was even more pleasant, high level students tended to know each other despite what level they were in. Seniority wasn’t applicable there. Since it wasn’t a formal school, there were wide range of age differences among students in a level. For example, I was in my senior high when I was in high level, among my friends were junior high or even college students. We called each other by names.

I didn’t have lots of prizes there. Never been in any ranking concerts. I finished the highest grade at the same year I finished high school. When I finally made it, I told myself, so, this is it all? Thirteen years were finally having its end. No more pressures and sleepless nights of practising. I should be happy. But then, what had been those thirteen years actually doing to me other than giving me a piece of certificate stating I graduated the highest level with judisium B?

I found the answers right after I entered college. Those thirteen years started showing me its real impacts in the real life other than music. I saw how it made me slightly different above others. This was nothing about being proud. I signed a contract to be a teacher in one of the famous music school in the first years of college. I was 19.

Being unpopular students during my school years shocked me a bit when I suddenly became ‘quite popular’ during college. More pleasantly, I was known for my abilities first than the look,haha! I was known for one of those student who nailed the English proficiency test and scored enough to get a straight A without having to attend the class, and the one who played piano well enough to be a teacher in a music school, thus I was financially more independent than any others student.

I often felt didn’t believe myself for having so much advantages in my college years. All of those mostly thanks to the thirteen years I had been through in YPM. Hardwork, patience, persistence, the courage to strive the best and never give up no matter how low your position was, falling apart, dissapointments, and then stood up once again, I learned those all from there.

All the job interviews I had, I nailed it thanks to this place. Thirteen years doing music school was surely something for others. None of the interviews I had, left this music talking behind. It impressed those interviewers in whatever kind of job I applied. I even once being interviewed for almost two hours just because talking about the piano course. Even more, the first real talk with le husband also happened because of this.

I always have confidence in doing paper test. But, talking face to face was never be my favorite. Then I finally knew, those thirteen years happened for helping with this.

My dad had to spend some days waiting for me at the music school until midnight during my high level exam practise, or he sent me first at 7 pm then came back to fetch me at 12 am. Yes, 12 am. Either weekdays or weekend. My mum spent almost the whole through years sent me back and forth for my usual schedule.

Now, I spend my days taking care of my father for the past four years after my mum left. Thanks to this place, I am able to be present for my father in his old days, as well as my mother’s last days. The flexibility makes me able to do those things.

Amazing how it touched all things in my life, wasn’t it?

Phew, it’s quite a long story.

It is still raining outside and the traffic must be bad out there. Luckily, I am sitting comfortably at home with my baby. It is not because I have to. It’s more because I choose to. The thirteen years spent on that school allowed me to have the choice I choose right now.

Instead of working a whole day, a whole week in far away places from home, it gave me few hours working time, in some few days to my choices, in the nearest place one could afford. Like, five minutes walking from home, perhaps?

When people said I was so lucky, maybe I am. I was lucky enough to have all the support and chance to survive in that tough jungle.

If maybe there are some parents reading this, shall I suggest you to invest some money in this place when your child wants to learn music? It would be even better to support them all the way until they finish it. The road is surely rocky and bumpy, but the top view is worth all the pain. For a long time. Longer, better, and greater than you can imagine.

My mum once said :

” I am having hard times leaving you behind when we moved to another province outside Java while you were only a junior high school student. I often wondered whether it was worthy enough for a mere piano school. It turned out I did the right thing. It was one of my best decisions I made for you.”

I couldn’t agree more to everything she said. I owe this place for so many best things happened in my life.

I am beyond grateful for such great thirteen years journey and a chance to be once a part of its family.