New year usually comes with new arrangements. In designing the days spent, it’s not only about plotting clasess/activities in empty schedule.
Choosing a schedule is not only about choosing the time, it’s about choosing priorities and managing the flow and energy from one activity from another.
One of the most rewarding things from this mothering job, it really employs and exercises my lateral thinking skills. Before deciding something, I get to see and consider the things from many angles, not only for her but also many things that has important influence to her. Including and consulting the principal is compulsory, but, as someone who is doing daily operations, I need to operate based on the reality of the situation, but among all, I always stick on the priorities as much as I can.
Learning new things is compulsory, but for the little girl and me. But, at what cost? The class is interesting but, it’s conflicting with prayer time. The class and time are matched, but it is on my fasting day. The class has good advantages, but it is on the day of our regular weekly Quran night. The class fits everything, but, it’s conflicting with my other schedule or vice versa.
In deciding which activities to participate, other than money spent, the more important thing is to consider what we will lose in gaining the knowledge. Opportunity cost is talking here.
Classes and activities may come and go, but certain priorities will always be on the first row. There should be certain things that are non-negotiable. When you know what’s yours, it will give a clear answer to the question. It also makes you easier to say more no than yes.
Based on experiences in few areas of life, when you get your priorities straight, everything else will fall into place.
Last year, there was of the most memorable readings on my shelf, a book called The Culture Code by Clotaire Rapaille.
The book explains why are people around the world so very different? What makes us live, buy, even love as we do? The answers are in the codes.
These codes are what make American, or German, or French, and they invisibly shape how they behave in their personal lives, even when they are completely unaware of their motives. And it finally explains why people around the world really are different, and reveals the hidden clues to understanding them all.
Examples of The Culture Code in the book :
This book made me start wondering the most suitable Culture Code for my country. Then, something came to my mind.
The more I see examples in real life, the more I am certain Shortcut is a really suitable code for this country.
This is actually a random rant while reading some news regarding the National Football Team’s coach who had just been sacked before his term ends.
But, it’s not all joy. The hardest struggle during holiday is maintaining the level of discipline on the same amount that we have during school days.
When you have plenty amount of resources, like time (or anything), it takes more vgilance to stay focus and keep your self on the track. Willpower alone is not enough to maintain it.
This is not only about the little girl, but also about her mother. More time in the morning is surely nice for reading and doing other things that are quite hard to do during school days, but, the consequence is the delay of the morning routines.
The true discipline is not who you are when you can’t. It’s who you are when you can, but you don’t.
I am a huge supporter of homeschooling but our situation doesn’t really suit for doing it fully. So I take half of the schooling while still sending my daughter to formal school whose values so far is aligned with what we preach and practice.
This end of semester’s reflection is quite different than the previous ones where it was more sentimental.
This semester I took studying more seriously by implementing regular night study with or without tests. This is more about to reduce the headache due to transition from lower grade levels to upper grades which academic demands are jumping significantly than my passion for teaching and learning.
At the end of this semester, we registered her to a CognitiveMap test in one of the institutions in Jakarta which is also globally renowned. This is not an IQ test, but I think it gives better insight about how the current brain of the child abilities. It test five brain muscles : vision, auditory, sensory motor, focus, and emotional processing.
I searched why these five and found a journal that explains it well. It has been determined that neuroplasticity occuring in childhood brain is mainly related to these five aspects.
Other than insightful, this test result is quite useful to decide and understand more about how she learns best and which area she needs to improve.
I often wonder will I do differently if we didn’t receive any diagnosis? Will I try this much if she is one without any specific conditions? Will I be less worried about her?
I am not sure about the answer. One of my strength which can also be my weakness is, I always take everything seriously. Especially if it’s something that gives significant impact to my life and future.
I made list and notes rigorously. I read intensely and extensively. I nag The One who decides all affairs regularly and continuously.
I often wonder whether it’s a blessing or a curse to be this stubborn about something that I think it’s right.
What could soften me a bit is certain phrases from my readings : « Mothers/parents matter. But, they are not everything ».
Your efforts matter. But, the end result is never yours.
For the past 10 years, the most difficult part of parenting is not about her. The hardest struggle is about regulating my self. The toughest battle is about to change what’s inside me. To fight many things that that have been imprinted subconsciously for years.
To unlearn few beliefs growing up that no longer resonates with me. Yet, in the other hand, to insist she understands, memorizes, and applies certain values that I consider important.
To acknowledge those things, it is important. To fight it, boy, it’s a battle that makes me cry regularly during early morning one-on-one session. Even every time I edited this post, tears couldn’t help falling knowing how much I lack as a mother.
Other than our spouse, The One who we really have to include in every stage of parenting is the creator. Guidance, patience, compassion, things that could only be granted by Him in this life task of raising a human being.
As she is growing up, I am also growing old. May Allah grant me the force needed as we’re heading to puberty and perimenopause. Amin.
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For the past ten years, she grows as beautiful as the literal meaning of her name. Inside out.
For the past ten years, she has grown according to the meaning of her name. A knowledge seeker, a learner, a beautiful sunbeam illuminating our world, makes life full of hope, warmth, and radiance.
In her name as a whole, my hope refers to QS 58: 11
وَإِذَا قِيلَ ٱنشُزُوا۟ فَٱنشُزُوا۟ يَرْفَعِ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ مِنكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُوا۟ ٱلْعِلْمَ دَرَجَـٰتٍۢ ۚ “Allah will elevate those of you who are faithful, and ˹raise˺ those gifted with knowledge in rank”.
Happy 10th birthday, my dearest. May Allah bless you with strong faith, excellent health, and sufficient wealth and always guide you every step of the way. I wish you all the resilience and excitement you need to deal with whatever life throws at you.
I hope this first decade of your life has been a great enjoyable ride for you as it’s for me. It’s not always rainbow, but being your mother has been one of the best adventures in my life.
Thank you for all the random “I love yous” you throw me daily. You know I love you too, right?
Nothing compared to the tranquility between 3.00-4.30 am daily.
The silence at home, the sound of white noise around, and the darkness of the living room. Those combinations are another level of addiction and something that I am craving for daily.
It feels like a refreshing warm up to start the day. It prepares all the muscles to get ready to deal with whatever the day would bring.
It gives one of the life goals that I constantly pursue :
One of the economic principles is actually applicable to travel: Maximizing the utility of goods/things to get maximum benefits with minimum resources.
Maximising the visa before it expires since obtaining it was quite a hassle. Using the particular lane for families with young children while we still can. Low-season travel while we get the chance. And many more excuses I could make up to justify travelling.
We just returned from visiting another Kota M this year (there is a popular Netflix series here called The Setting with Kota M). While the first Kota M is located in Europe, the second one is in Australia.
After spring in Munich, we had a chance to experience another spring in Melbourne.
It was so nice to be in the place where the air is clean.
Cleaned my face after went around and the color of the cotton used to wipe the face didn’t change much, while at home, it always turned black.
Real blue sky in a normal country is surely different from one in another country whose sky is blue oligarchs.
Our itinerary in the city is always between garden and library. Walked around the huge Royal Botanical Gardens for few hours, breathing the fresh air, listening to the forest sound, and my favorite one : sat and stared by the lake. Doing boring things while traveling is always our main itinerary.
We also went to Luna Park and let the girl enjoyed quite few rides. It was hot and loud.
Done with sensory overload, what we need to is full amount of tranquility. So off we went to St. Kilda Beach.
After Three days in Melbourne, several things that really nice after visiting two cities in Australia :
They have the most comfortable transport station to go around the town. Both Sydney and Melbourne have quite massive tram routes where most major landmarks can be reached by tram only. Tram is so convenient. No going up and down the stairs for subway/train. It makes everything feels near. Need to go to a proper beach? One ride 30mins tram away from city. Need to visit art gallery? Few rides stops from central. Need to run by the river or slow morning walk in a proper beautiful garden? Tram will take you there. I am always sold to a place where public transport system is well-designed.
Proper halal good delicious food is easily accessible. Indonesian restaurants are everywhere, they have two best Lanzhou noodles that the rival only matched with the first one we had in Tokyo, and many more halal choices.
People are (so far), properly friendly. No cold face like Korean and few Europeans, and most importantly no translation needed here.
It feels European enough in ambience with Asian taste in tongue.
Clean, fresh air to breathe.
The highlight of this trip was a road trip through Great Ocean Road. We stopped by Torquay Beach, Maits Rest Rain Forest Walk and the famous Twelve Apostles.
Nature trip will never fail to give you wide spectrum of emotions. It’s when the most sophisticated phone couldn’t capture what your eyes see. No words could describe properly to explain the magnificent beauty.
Couldn’t help being half grumpy while dealing with the windy, yet tremendously grateful by the opportunity to roam around the world seeing the nature created by Allah The Almighty.
We stayed a night in Port Campbell in a motel by the ocean. So so beautiful.
We safely returned at ‘home’ after 30hours on the road.
Road trip, in some parts, is indeed exciting. The breathtaking scenery along the way, visiting places that I have never thought I am able to visit. Places that always create constant self talk inside the head and sense of wonder and reminder how enormous this world is beyond my comfortable home.
But, some things behind the scene are ugly.
Like being cautious of the driving rules of another country, which is totally different from where we come from (which rules are never really clear). During travel, I am the anxious one while one in the driver seat has always been the calm one.
In a road trip, both are anxious (😂, now it sounds funny, but in reality, not really) which the only one left who stays calm is a 10 year old in a passenger back seat. My husband is basically an easy going laid back person, unless, when he drives. Driving in unfamiliar country doubles his tension.
Parking is tricky, eating schedule is messy, namaz time is uncertain and food is mostly unhappy (I survived with a banana and greek yoghurt yesterday since I couldn’t take more instant food). The other side of it is tiring for me.
A big applause for the driver for unlocking a new badge of road trip around the world and also, for the little girl on the back for surviving another long ride without complaining and whining. She’s also one of the reasons why we can go places enjoyably and sanely for many years, because we don’t have to deal with any tantrums,
I do really enjoy all the places we stopped by, but being trapped in the car on the road longer than 2 days, it’s not really my cup of tea.
And, unless doing it with this squad, I’d rather pass.
Most of the time, I always choose an accommodation which provides separate bed for kids. It’s important thing to take into account that everyone should sleep comfortably during the period of uncertainty.
I also visited two libraries and four bookstores in Melbourne and I couldn’t help myself buying and shooking my head in disblief : “Perpustakaan negara orang bagus-bagus banget, ya Allah”.
As always, I also did my solo stroll in Melbourne.
After few days here, this city feels and seems like to be a good place to start adulthood. Met Indonesian students everywhere we go, working part time either in restaurants,amusement park, or grocery stores, spent their free schedule to earn some money between courses.
The similarity : the hospitality looks genuine and they look happy doing their work.
In the tiny bussiness we run for the past few years, since 2019, I started hiring students to work with me and keep hiring students only. I want an employee who also pursue his study. I told them I’ll cater their classes schedule, whatever it is, as long as they commit to their work. It’s not a common practice in Indonesia to work while studying, unless you have a pressure to do so.
While I believe earning your own money once you turn 18 or at least 20 is really important for your emotional and mental health. You might still depend on your parents for certain things, but, at least, you don’t have to ask them to top up your phone credit, dine out out or pay your gas. To be a functional adult, you need such basic freedom at least.
Few other important things I notice here:
People in Melbourne walk in a normal pace. No speed walking, no rushing like they chase something. Exactly how they drive, no honking. When they overtake, they do it politely.
They’re Asians at heart. Other than coffee shop, the most full packed restaurants are either Chinese, Korean, or Japanese. Indonesian and Malay one is still full of their own people. Most employees in hospitality are Asians. No wonder they call this city the second home.
This trip feels comfortable because comfort food is reachable. Nasi goreng, sup buntut, iga bakar madu, sate kambing, you name it they have it.
Traveling always gives new insights. The first Kota M we visited this year made me can’t go back to the usual pastry or bread.
The insight gained from this second Kota M already made me searching information and the tuition fee to study in a Melbourne University.
Seven days of pleasant beauty and hospitality finally come to an end.
Let’s meet again for another opportunity, insya Allah. Till then, Melb!
Here’s the highlight : met a koala in wild life. Been to Australia : ✅
If book titles describe my life,then up to this 40 years, it has been a series of Unreasonable Hospitality bestowed by Allah the Almighty.
All the things that brought me here,the ups and downs, have been The Ride of a Lifetime.
Where I am in my 40th year is the combination of Allah’s endless favours,the love and support I received from my loved ones and the accumulation of self-courage to constantly choose and Do Hard Things from The Defining Decade and the following one after that.
When I look back, Thinking in Bets often becomes my standard operating procedure for navigating life, especially when it comes to something that matters to me because, for many things, it Always Seems Impossible Until It’s done.
If one asks How to Measure Your Life? Looking back, I see the choices made with no regrets: Finish What You Start, enjoy Tiny Beautiful Things, live A Walking Life, and keep training for an Organized and Disciplined Mind through consistent Atomic Habits for the past 20 years.
I am far from The Smartest Kid in The World, but I am blessed with Grit,a right Mindset, love playing The Infinite Game for the most important things, applying Clear Thinking to maintain certain things What Money Can’t Buy.
I don’t always have self-confidence, but I always believe in Berserahlah, Biarkan Allah Mengurus Hidupmu. May Allah grant me more wisdom, strength, patience, and guidance to navigate life learnings and winnings in this new decade. Amin.
The month of another year getting older always feels bittersweet.
Over the last few years, I have felt like I have a compounding understanding of many things, especially about myself: why I am who I am, why I do what I do, why things happen the way they do, and more.
I finally found some answers to my question from my 20s. I wrote this particular question constantly in my diary when I was dealing with something emotionally draining for a long period of time. I didn’t have any idea how to have a complete closure and move on because such things kept coming back for more.
Such a question is equally draining since you have to wait to get to the answer—until time tells you.
It’s difficult sometimes to distinguish between “Is this a hard thing I’m supposed to work through?” or “Is it hard because it’s the wrong thing and I need to let go?”.
This is a question that applies to many confusion in my 20s.
Fast forward to 20 years later, here I am, after specific experiences and statistics of results, safely said I found the answer : It’s more about the former than the latter.
The wrong one usually will find its exit way much sooner than later. No matter how much you hold on to them, it will slip away.
While the right one will persist and stay, no matter how hard you try to shoo it away, it always finds its way to return.
Most of the time, everything right is unusually hard and tough. Since such thing is destined to be yours, although you’ll never know how long it will be yours, you have to do the work. You have to overcome whatever hardship until it will be safely arrived on your hand.
This perfectly fits the concept of sustenance in Islam. It says that when your heart desires something, Allah gives it to you for some reason. But, you have to do the work to get it, and trust that you’ll get it in the end. When and how, it’s not yours to decide.
The more beautiful thing about this : there’s no such things as NO as an answer. It will be always a YES, with three different situations :
Yes, exactly like you want and you don’t have to wait long for that.
Yes, but you have to wait for a quiet long time.
Yes, not exactly what you want, but it will be replaced with something much better than what you want.
It takes getting older for me to understand this. I watch to see how my prayers and dreams come true one by one. That’s why I call it a privilege to be getting older.
It also makes me realize another thing :
It’s impossible to keep up with all Allah’s blessings, which have been running at an exponential curve while I am still returning them at my slow walking pace in a simple, irregular (more downs than ups) curve.
In the end, doing your best is the only way to go.
Again, it’s stated in one of the most beautiful verse in Quran :
“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss”.
Among the many privileges of getting older that Allah has been lending to me, being a Moslem and being among the true believers (Mu’min), which I hope and keep trying to climb the ladder to be the Muhsin and Muttaqin, is indeed the biggest and the most important privilege that I won’t trade for anything else.
May Allah make it easier for what my heart desires.
Few months ago, I wrote a post with same title here and I just realized that maybe the very same reason could explain why long term married couples broke up.
We have heard many testimonials about how different life is before and after marriage with the same person. Many couldn’t even survive the first five years, no matter how long they’ve been together and have known their partner before the marriage. The gap between reality and expectations might be too much to handle, and separation might be the best answer for both. It makes sense to me.
But, what happened with those who have survived more than ten or twenty years together? I mean, what happened? After all those years together? These couples have survived many life’s ups and downs, trials and turbulence. Like they have come so far from the low bottom to the top of the mountains, so they must be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them, as a well-trained team.
Apparently, it’s not always the case. Along the way, growing apart is also possible. I started understanding that money can’t buy everything (once the money is there). Financial security might be essential, but, it’s not fundamental.
In the Big Four post a few years ago, in achieving anything, to make everything work, money is number one, but its function stops there. You still need the other three things that without those, money alone won’t take you anywhere.
Being on one page and at the same frequency for years doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same throughout the course. Along the way, each other’s vision might change to different directions. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but through little changes that occur gradually until, at a certain point, they are already standing too far from each other to even get back together.
Then, there’s where they part ways.
I had a session with a psychologist yesterday, and she said, “Normally, as we grow old, the circle is getting smaller. And it’s possible that the smaller circle could not only get closer but also further, even with one who’s the closest to us.”
The right person one married to in his/her 20s might be not the right person to survive the marriage in their 40s or 50s.
This is maybe the reason why marriage in Islam is considered ibadah, just like five prayers a day, Zakat, fasting, and Hajj. Ibadah takes hard work, discipline, commitment, self control, emotional regulations, physical and mental health. It’s hard.
Doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj demands our financial, physical, and mental strength. Many things will distract us from doing that, not only the evil outside but also the one inside.
Nothing good comes easy, right? A good life demands a lot of maintenance said one of my readings. So does a good marriage, I guess.
The consequences of neglecting those things are never received in an instant. That’s why many people drift away aimlessly. They won’t feel much difference between doing it or not. Until a certain point, the only way is going down.
The way Allah takes blessings from our life is never once and done. It’s usually done one by one, little by little, and sometimes, it’s not so obvious. What’s taken is not really tangible and measurable, like things or money.
What’s taken is usually the peace felt at heart, at home, more money less tranquillity, the feeling of being sufficient with what you have, the enjoyment and the want of doing salat and other rituals properly, endless busyness that takes you nowhere, the less time spent with those who really matter, the happiness for the little blessing that might seem nothing, but actually, they are everything. Things that no amount of money could bring back, unless you do the work required again.
“Guide us along the Straight Path, the Path of those You have blessed—not those You are displeased with, or those who are astray.”
We read that very line, to be guided on the straight path, 17 times a day in our salat. It’s easier said and done. Because in the reality, any path other than straight one is always easier to choose.
Keeping ourselves on a straight path as an individual requires constant effort, a strong will, and continuous learning. It requires cleaning our lenses regularly so we can see clearly. It requires keeping updating and adjusting our focus to stay on the path. To remind ourselves endlessly what and where the endgame is.
I guess keep staying on a straight path, together in marriage, requires the same thing.
And maybe that’s the only way to avoid growing apart.
A Penny for My Pensieve 