Tangled Thought

Many times, a lot of conversations happen inside the head and the urge to write is so strong yet the time doesn’t allow it.

Often, I feel like writing whatever things inside although it won’t make a nice reading to other people. Lots of (unpopular) opinions that need to be blurted out, just because.

Sometimes, I just want to keep writing the same thing all over again with different situations. Complaining over the smallest detail. How boring current daily life could be. How hard to fight the urge to do nothing everyday but end up to do many then whining how tired I am in the night.

Doing constant self validation during hard times, questioning reality versus expectation, worrying whether we are or I am on the right track, whether this little girl misses a lot without a formal school, and so on.

There are times when I feel there’s a very thin line between feeling quilty and feeling sufficient. The guilt of thinking that we dont maximize and utilize the resources in our power since the outcome might be not really obvious or acknowledge the efforts done daily, look back how we have progressed so far since the starting line.

Torn between comparing current situation to the past or to the others and constantly reminding my self that doing such thing is not really the right to do. Either the past or the person, it’s totally uncomparable. The situation might be similar, but we deal with different human being.

Another scary thing that we couldn’t help repeating the bad cycle of our own inner child and to break it is such a hard work. Playing blame game will just make it harder.

Adulting is difficult. Sometimes or most of the times. I realize that other than the ability to keep learning, the other important thing we often forget is the ability to unlearn. The courage to break the old pattern and start again from the scratch. In whatever point you have arrived in life.

Although I still have a lot, but that’s for now I think.