Opening The Pandora Box

I did visit a psychologist for the past two weeks.

At first, it’s about consulting the pre teen at home but more about how I have to deal with her and all issues related to it.

The session turned out to be more than just about being a mother of pre-teen.

It turned into a session that opened long kept and dusty pandora boxes inside full of traumas and resentments.

From childhood up to adulthood. How many of behaviors is actually the response of defense mechanism to many unprocessed wounds that just being thrown under the rug.

On the second meeting, she met my daughter first and then when it’s my turn, she said, “your daughter is totally fine. But, you’re not”.

The psychologist scrutinized all the little details through her questions that I couldn’t help answering and ended up taking a lot of tissues to wipe my eyes.

Several times, I found holding myself back to not blurt out the details. But, I feel like being attacked and all I want to do is just to surrender. I just want to let it out.

To say it out loud : yes, those the closest to me are the most trauma contributors in my life which residues I still carry to this day, no matter how much years have passed.

In that room, I feel seen and heard. All the pain felt inside, be it ones from growing up to adulthood and marriage, it’s all valid and I deserve to cry or curse as much as I want, again, no matter how much years have passed.

But, I don’t like playing the playing victim card far too long. I don’t want to carry too much emotional baggage. My love for decluttering is applicable inside and outside.

I also fully acknowledge I have the capabilities to deal with it, with Allah’s help through any means.

That line above actually fit one tool that is called rationalization, which according to the psychologist, I use it too much until it becomes a shortcut that I often use to either protect myself or to avoid the pain.

I once ‘argue’ to her, but, life goes on and many times, it can’t wait until it all goes away. I need to go on and live, I have responsibilities, so, I just need to do what I have to do. We adult can’t depend on how we feel to function well.

She totally said, to rationalize is a very good skill to have, but, anything too much won’t do any good. What she offers me is to acknowledge more of the pain and give myself time properly before coming to rationalization. If I need to cry, then cry. She is very right when she said, no matter how much I say I already make peace with all of those events, be it ones growing up or during adulthood and marriage, some parts are not fully healed, yet, or never maybe.

But, I really mean it when I said I already let go everything. Totally accept those are part of the qada and qadr and I think I don’t have to understand it anymore why it happens. I don’t have the urge to argue or to confront about anything to anyone anymore. I no longer have the desire to know more than what I knew. One part because it’s done and nothing I can do to change it, the other part is I believe Allah take care of it. I won’t be charged and responsible for everything that others done to me. My job is only to pay attention to how I respond.

I am fine is not a lip service. I mean it in a good way. And this one I think, it’s not rationalization. It’s the highest level of acceptance and manifestation of the last pillars of faith.

My only concern is how to not pass down as much to my daughter, consciously and unconsciously. Saving as much as I can do for her from unnecessary expenses in the future. Hoping she doesn’t have to pay the debt from what I don’t clear up.

Healing is indeed not a walk in the park. It’s brutally painful and difficult. It takes so much courage and bravery to face your own fears, pains and the ugly side of your life.

I am beyond grateful to be granted the chance and privilege to do this.

I think, that’s the most rational thing I have done as a mother and as a human being.