This October : Shattered, Sick, and Amazed by The Palestinians
Author: arlanadya
Pas special, J'ai seulement besoin de beaucoup de privee
On DLD 2023 Day
On today’s Developmental Language Disorder day, instead of talking about the old story about how DLD diagnosis changed everything,, I want to talk about this one.
This Young Sheldon show is one with many great parenting insights.
One thing that makes it so relatable is because I am raising one whose first diagnosis was DLD which just happened to be as a door opener for many things to come.
I couldn’t helping laughing all through season 1 since they described well how it looked living with my own daughter, while I have been weeping a lot all through season 2 with so many punches given on the heart in every eps.
My daughter is nothing compared to Sheldon in term of brain intelligence, but, I could feel the parent’s frustration of how to deal with this kind of kid when you know nothing about them, when it doesn’t fit the parenting knowledge that you know, when you have to beat your ego in so many situations because it won’t work with this kind of kid. They know much more than you in many things. Their brain doesn’t work like ordinary people do.
But, on the other hand, they also know so little about how human works in general. Understanding human is difficult. Kids like them are having hard time to understand the grey area,for them it’s always black and white.
They might look like any other kids outside, but, it takes a lot of deep breath to deal with them in daily basis, just like what Mary and George experienced.
We’re keeping therapy sessions up until now, even double it, (if not plan to triple it),not to make her as normal as possible, but to help us teach her many things that we couldn’t.
Another thing that is so relatable about this show is both are beyond privilege. L&S are having a family which accepts them just the way they are and get all the support needed to be themselves. Have encountered many kids whose parents give up on them once they received the diagnosis. As much I understand how hard it is to accept the reality, but, giving up on our kid should’ve never been an option.
With or without diagnosis, every kid comes with their own intelligence. Like Missy, my most favorite character, whose intelligence I wish my daughter to possess and keep training her for that.
Happy DLD DAY!
Back to Distinction in ABRSM
(A draft saved on September 15th)
No long words could do the justice to describe what it took to finally secured a proper recording to be submitted for the exam.
From eyeing distinction as a target to finally settle, “let’s just aim for pass” then.
Started practicing the very first song on August 2022. Fast forward a year later, no single recording was decent enough to be submitted.
The list of recordings captured were only small part of hundreds that we did since last April.
Finally got the one we had been waiting for the past five months(!!). Alhamdulillah.
We haven’t even submitted the video, but this is the closure for all the efforts done in grade 3 ABRSM.
When I think we deserve certain result for our hardwork, the reality snapped back harshly by showing countless messy and bad recordings we got along the way. The harder we tried, the more frustrating we were.
We finally got it when we finally on the ‘Que Sera Sera’ mode.
For someone who has so little patience, this is my daily training.
Not just about piano practice/anything, but to take whatever it takes during the process of doing everything in life and be patient to accept any results which is outside my control.
Still far from mastering it, my face showed it all when things don’t go according to what I expect.
Distinction for Grade 3 ABRSM.
It took a lot of Astaghfirullah to achieve this and a simple silent Alhamdulillah when we received it.
It was leisure four months to achieve a high level of distinction 147/150 for grade 1.
It was tragically twisted seven months to achieve (only) merit 124/150 for grade 2 exam.
Spent more than frustrating twelve months to return to distinction bracket of 133/150 for grade 3 exam.
Proof that life is not getting easier,
Your efforts matter,
but there will be time to surrender and let it go to The Decider, because the end result is never ours.
Thirty Days of Screen Ban
I had been quite loose with many things regarding the little girls’s activities since at least two months back. I took another responsibility, which moved my attention and energy to the new something than the regular activities that had been around before.
I’ve been sensing that something was off for weeks. I asked the same question every day, checking whether she had done all the compulsory daily training, and got a short yes as an answer all the time, and I took it for granted. It might be because the routines have been around for almost three years without zero days. So, I thought she knew what to do already.
It was a Tuesday three weeks ago when I suddenly checked the iPad and found out that she had been neglecting the four daily routines together, not only for days but weeks, for the past two months.
It was pretty disappointing and made me throw a tantrum here and there. Half of it, I was angry because I ignored the off feeling for too long. I was being lazy.
It turned out the child could also understand that. When the parents were lazy, so she was. She started learning mommy was busy, and the training was getting more complicated; one day off wouldn’t hurt. I did it for the second, and the rest were more straightforward.
Consequences were decided right away and accepted without any arguments. At least she knew she was at fault this time. Screen time for pleasure is banned for 30 days. I rarely take her pleasures as a consequence, but this time, she neglected her primary responsibilities and made another huge mistake that wasn’t tolerable here. So, I did it without any doubts, not only for a few days, but for a whole month.
Well, there’s always a silver lining behind everything.
It’s been a while since I saw nap time view after school, a long-kept writing book that had been left untouched, the second session for Quran after Maghrib. The Amazon book package Daddy had ordered weeks before arrived at the right time, so more reading materials were available to kill time.
So many things could happen and be done without distraction, not only about the phone, but more about our attention.
Honestly, I love this period. She seems more relaxed without screen time for pleasure doing other things rather than staring at the screen. I have been thinking the way to keep a massive part of this after the ban is lifted.
This circumstance reminded me that no matter how close you (think you) are and how well you (think you) know your children, there are still so many things that you need to learn about them, and there are more things that you don’t even know about.
Like love is never enough for a marriage to survive, raising a child takes more than money. It’s the time and energy spent with and on them when we want to do it properly.
20 Years Later and 357 Kilometers
It was quite loud last weekend.
On Saturday, I attended my high school reunion. Although I only stayed for a few hours, I was pretty happy I decided to come. Unlike some people who consider high school the best time of our lives, for me, it was just okay and full of pressure here and there. It is not about social anxiety but more about the academic one.
The best year was the last year of high school when I finally met a tribe with whom I could form lifelong friendships until now. One of these guys called us ‘a bunch of social misfits,’ I have been the organiser of almost every rendezvous we had for the past 20 years and the admin of our chat group. I am passionate about this misfit group, or am I just the most misfit among the misfits?😄
I have a small circle and a few close friends. I never feel comfortable being around a massive group of people. People always make me nervous. But, with these misfits, it has been 20 years of enjoyable ride. I write about them often and the latest one was here.
Back to the reunion, the most comment given that day to me was, “you don’t change at all!”, I have been thinking until I decided to write this here, is it meant to be an insult or a compliment?😂
It is almost impossible not to change at all in twenty years. Too many circumstances happen in one’s life within that long period. But of course, they didn’t know anything about what happened inside, so I guess to have some comments about how your outer appearance is unchanged after 20 years, I’ll take such a compliment gratefully.
On Sunday, we had a road trip to the doctor’s home town to visit his family.
Sixteen hours of road trip to the long lost hometown.
I came up with this idea on a Friday morning when my mother in law told the news of the passing of her sister-in-law in my late father-in-law’s hometown.
I knew she might want to visit the family there, but she obviously couldn’t go there alone, and since it was sudden, it was pretty hard for everyone to make time, including us.
But it was too disturbing to let this slide without doing anything. I calculated the rough estimation costs to go there before I proposed the idea, first to his son then his mother.
When I calculated the costs, it turned out more extensive than I expected for a day trip. But, when travelling, I always zoom out whenever the numbers speak.
Is it worth the hassle to make this happen?
Which one will you regret more later? Spending such an amount of money or losing the chance that might not come twice.
Who will benefit from this trip other than the main character?
Usually, when the answer include the little girl, that is one huge determining factor.
For this trip, all those questions answered with clear answers.
Taking my mother-in-law to give her condolence in person matters.
Taking the little girl for the first time to one of her roots matters, and it has been a while since the last time her father set foot there.
Me? I am never a fan of road trips, and so glad Mudik wasn’t part of my childhood. Trapped in the car for hours, the anxiety and insecurity watching the speedy driving throughout the trip (or the frustration of dealing with traffic), the countless drinks shown with all the tumblrs were out on duty yesterday, and many more.
It was a huge help when the road trip wasn’t loud and packed. It reduced a lot of tension.
Alhamdulillah, we got it ‘easy’ for this trip and all the good intentions were well delivered.
Visiting both her father hometown to Solo and Pekalongan checked.
The next ones should be visiting both her mother which obviously couldn’t be done with a road trip.
Slip Away
The view among dealing with a basket of laundry, a pot of oxtail soup and lines of customer chats.
After few episodes of a time traveler show, it reminded me that what you really wanted to return to the most was not the grand things in life. But, the daily life of certain period that when you lived those days it just felt like ordinary days that keep repeating, mundane, and nothing really special about that. But, suddenly, those days were gone.
One thing that is certain about time : it slips away.
Short Writings about Anything
After several times (intentionally) missed all kind of previous playdates with school friends, finally agreed to join a birthday girls-only playdate for the little girl.
We went through long rides of buses returns but, it was quite enjoyable because we faced close to no traffic jam for 20km back and forth.
For me to say yes to such event and put myself in less comfortable situations (like being around with strangers for hours), to somewhere unfamiliar and quite far from home, on a school day, on a fasting day, when I needed to reschedule the afternoon class, that was not a small feat and took a lot of efforts to make this happen.
Guess social skill is just like fingers which could play piano well, both take a lot of practice. Especially when you’re far from talented.
Well, I was pretty happy saying yes to this. Especially when I saw how happy the girls were along the playdates.
But hopefully, the next one won’t come soon.
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Another change takes place this month.
Signed up to her first evening class today. After bed time is slowly postponed to 8.30 and sometimes close to 9 pm for the past few months. Been thinking to try an evening class with few requirements : non academic, relax and easy, and must be in group, and it should be a small group.
Why small group? As her language therapist suggested, she needs to practice her social skill more in a group setting where she could learn to take turn, hold herself to not keep talking all the time, reading the room, etc.
Done my research and found that fits into my requirements, except the schedule. The schedule should be discussed with other participants first. The best schedule for me is on Friday night when there will be no school on the following day.
After several times voting, the schedule result met my expectation. Alhamdulillah.
Let’s see how it goes.
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Post YPM trip on Saturday, we went to the local public library, which ended with massive disappointment because two books that the little girl wanted to bring home were categorised as non-borrowable ones.
It’s a head-scratching policy, but, I am not complaining here. It’s a good enough library but maybe they need to improve some of their policies. It‘s such a pity when a child’s reading appetite is that high, the policy won’t allow them to feed her with the food they have in the library.
I also hope in the future we can borrow more than two books so one visit could be more beneficial and efficient.
But, here was what happened few hours later :
Another period when I really want to rant about many things yet couldn’t find the time (lame excuse I know), but suddenly, an idea to combine all the short writings came. Maybe, I could use this format if it works to make writing more consistent.
Hopefully.
A Dentist Visit and A Life Pattern
The I don’t know if others experience this or not, but I’ve been recognizing that life has patterns. Talking about mine, the seasons and the problems might be different, but, the pattern is quite clear.
In raising a child, the pattern appears clearly too. Just like anything, life has never been letting me (or us) stay still and chill in raising this girl. Always give something new to learn, always on a research mode to find the best solution, letting us to be exposed to something that we have never encountered. It is not necessarily something new, but, it is certainly something rarely heard of.
(Like finding the term DLD and dyspraxia for the first time).
Previously, the dentist appointment was at 11 am and I asked for whoever was available since it was only a regular check up. Suddenly, I had a meeting that couldn’t be cancelled at that time so I asked to reschedule the appointment. It was moved to 2 pm.
Been visiting this dental regular and we got different dentist for each visit. Here is another clear pattern. For almost every problem we encounter, meeting the right people is included with the solution. Since I change the appointment schedule, they switch the doctor too.
The dentist asked why we came. I explained that this was a long overdue meeting to have her teeth checked. The dentist said it was all clear, only certain parts needed better brushing. That was it.
Then, I came up with a question about her teeth which previously were nice and grow evenly, but when the adult teeth coming, it starts growing unevenly which changes her facial features. I asked why, since she never bottle-fed, no thumb sucking, so what happened? I asked whether it was true that we should wait until she is 12 to start wearing braces (an insight we got from another dentist).
We happened to meet a pediatric dentist who clearly knows what she does. Instead of, answering my question in a simple short answer, she explained about how the teeth happened to be that way systematically.
She said we came at the right time when it is still early and to fix the teeth, what we should do first is fixing the breathing habit.
Instead of waiting until 12, we could start right now. She said, it won’t be easy because it needs commitment and consistency, from both parents and child. Fixing the teeth is the easy part, but she wants us to fix the foundation first, which is the breathing habit, that’s the hard work.
I rarely sold to something, but her explanation was beyond make sense. I decided to sign up right away (usually I would say I would discuss it with the father too).
Last night, we spent time watching youtube videos about MYOBRACE therapy together.
More homeworks are coming and I am surely not complaining, because it means, life pattern goes to the right direction.
The Struggle Update
I wrote on the previous post about how anxious I have been dealing with longer leisure time with the new schedule since the beginning of little girl’s new academic year.
I also stated that this wasn’t the first time and the more anxious I was, the more intense the searching. In the end, it has been always something new to do.
Funnily, not long after I published the post, an offer came.
I have been volunteering with an English bootcamp since more than a year ago. My initial intention was just to be more useful and maybe I could learn a thing or two. So when I saw the opening on the internet, I signed up right away.
My role is basically facilitating a discussion on a small break out room in Zoom around 2×30 minutes with 3-4 people. The camp provides a booklet contained different kind of articles in English and two sets of questions to be discussed on the break out room.
For someone who doesn’t like talking, close to never turn on my camera during a meeting, signing up for this camp is another way to push myself to do something that I am not comfortable with. For the first few months, it had been exceed my expectations.
I have been receiving a lot of positive feedbacks as a moderator. All those kind words in Secreto filled me with joy and somehow it becomes the fuel to make me stay in spite of postponing my sleeping time a little bit. I really enjoy the class and listening to all the story of the strangers I meet here. Close to never skipping any classes.
Another reason why this is enjoyable because it only runs for 6 days a month within two weeks. So, there’s space for me to have a break and miss this class.
After few months, the founder offered me a teaching position. While being a moderator is a voluntary work, the teaching is a paid one. I accepted it for two meetings.
Teaching in front of large audience is not my strength at all, so from my personal opinion, I still have a lot to learn to make myself comfortable and confident enough to deliver an interesting session.
They offered me another one or two months later and I accepted it as long as I felt confident enough with the materials.
Right after I published the second last previous post, I received a text on my messenger from the founder asked me whether I would interested in joining their internal team.
I enjoy being a moderator there, but working for them is another story. I gave them my conditions and I asked in details what kind of job that I would do and the expectation. After several discussions, I finally agreed and decided to take offer. I have been wanting a fully remote part time work with tolerable work load, and this is the exactly what I have been looking for.
So, insya Allah, starting next Monday, a new experience begins. After four years since resigning from the last workplace and moved to another continent, this will be the first time I resume working for others. Hopefully everything will be okay and I can survive this well. Amin.
Another struggle solved and updated with a new one.
Bismillah.
The Best Marriage Advice
I read once that someone asked this man about what marriage advice he could give.
I loved how this man responded to such a question,
“After 25 years of marriage, the best advice I could give is no advice. The longer I am married, the shorter my advice. I feel like I have no competency in giving any marriage advice”.
It hit me hard reading that.
Usually, older adults will give you lots of advice when asked such questions. They will provide tips and tricks about what to do or shouldn’t do.
Being married myself, I realized that the man above was correct. There are no specific bits of advice like one size fits all. One don’t or do might work for some couples but might not work for others. Whatever principles you hold firmly before marriage might be the ones you throw to the deepest place inside because, after a long battle, it is not the right thing to do; it is not the best option once you zoom out and consider all the consequences in the future if you choose that.
This is just not me. I recently finished a book that confirmed such a thing.
This book told about one of the research with the most significant samples out there about how to predict whether people would be happy in their relationship or not.
These are a few of their findings :
It also actually reminded me of another relationship book; this one is quite famous and largely quoted everywhere. Written by two relationship researchers couple that said, based on long years that happened in their lab, they could predict whether the couple will survive their marriage or not with 95% accuracy. They were able to do this by analyzing thousands of couples from the way they interact with each other.
Well, in the end, no matter how many relationship books I have read, I always remembered what the man above said whenever some younger people in my current volunteer asked some questions about this.
Kind of responses I gave only the short ones because they were the only things I considered doable: “Don’t rush. Enjoy yourself a lot. Ask with the utmost details about what kind of person you want to deal with life with, and let God do the rest”.
If Forest Gump said that life is just like a box of chocolate, you’ll never know what you will get. For me, that is exactly what marriage is.
A Penny for My Pensieve 