arlanadya

Out of Sight, Losing My Mind*

Posted on 14 May 202215 May 2022 by arlanadya

*Wise man say out of sight, out of mind.

Last Thursday gave me one of the longest 30 minutes I had ever experienced when I couldn’t find this little girl after one of her classes.

Told her I would leave for a quick grocery while she was doing the class. Most of the time, I just sit and read while waiting, but there were few times when I need to do something while waiting and she’s always been informed in advance.

We live in an apartment building which connected to a mall where she has two classes and a supermarket to do grocery. To go between building, we have to pass through few doors that could only be opened by an access card, which only I have it.

Always tell her clearly what I will do while she is having her class and it will be done before her first class is finished. She has two.

That day, I was around 2-3 minutes late from the usual time the first class usually finish. Another class started in five minutes and I thought she already went there.

The heart felt like stopped beating when I didn’t find her there, but still tried to be calm.

Went back and forth looking all over the area, no result.

Started calling her dad.
Asked few people around who knew her.
None of them saw her.

Torn between panicked and the urge to follow the tiny voice inside the head that told me the only possible place she could be, but the heart refused the idea and kept questioning whether it was possible for her to do it.

Looked around once again with half crying until I finally decided to find her in another possible place.

It was only five minutes distance, yet it felt so far.

Arrived on the entrance door, where I thought she would be and she wasn’t there too.

The mind was racing with so many things. Knowing she couldn’t be anywhere else than here. Pray spelled continously. Kept doing the self blaming for being late.

Asked one security and he had no idea. Continued the search to the last most possible place she could be. The what-if-I-couldn’t-find-her thought was killing me.

Both legs suddenly turned into jelly when I saw her sitting near the pool next to another security.

Thanked the security briefly, interrogated her endlessly, then hugged her frustratedly.
—————————————-
That day, when she couldn’t find me, she decided to go back home on her own.

It was unusual for two reasons : she close to never skip any classes, and she is always excited for the second one.

When we asked the reason, she said she was really tired of doing the first one.

We asked again why went home on her own she said because she couldn’t find me so she just went home.

In my imagination , I thought she must be scared and maybe half crying when she couldn’t find me, just like what happened to me.

In reality, she was nothing close to be scared nor even shed any tears. She just decided to go home which she knew where to go. She asked and told the security she didn’t bring the card, so one helped her to enter the apartment building then she just waited until I came to fetch her. She thought she had done the right thing and made a good decision.

To be fair, she really did. She did the most make sense thing. But, it’s so hard to accept this 7yo could do that on her own.

From making decision to return back home on her own. She deserved a medal for doing that.

But, in reality, I kind screwed it up and as usual, guilt is all over the place.

Few days after even until I write this, the guilt still lingers. Not the guilt because of being late nor left her, but more of the guilt for making her confused through my response that convey the message that she was doing something wrong when she thought she had done a brave one.

It was me who keeps promoting the idea of dealing with any situations on her own. Who keeps training her to face people and make decision on her own, to practice her Indonesian language in real life setting.

But, when she really did it all, on her own, instead of being appreciated, she was scolded. Instead of saying she was so brave as she expected (she said, “I was brave”), what came from my mouth was, “Please, don’t do it again. You really make me scared. You wait until I came to you”. (She actually did wait for me, just not where I expected her to be). Instead of appreciating what she had done, I made it all about me.

What a blunder.

This situation reminded me once again that even staying close to her most of the time didn’t guarantee how well I know my own daughter. It was sad knowing I didn’t trust her enough.

It reminded me to always spare rooms for unexpected situations (good or bad), and try my best to respond accordingly.

The bright side is, this kind of situation gave a great feedback for things that I have done, to evaluate what we can do better while dealing with this kind of situation which surely will happen again in the future.

Maybe not that I didn’t trust her, but more because it happened outside my control. It wasn’t something that happened under my consent.

Should remind myself more often, there will be so many these kind of things later in the future. It’s truly a reminder to trust my own daughter that she is capable of doing, choosing, and deciding things on her own and respect that.

If I fail to do so, does it mean I consider what I have been doing so far is completely wrong then?

Boy, it’s so hard.

Motherhood and its sudden pop-up quizzes that need to be done without preparation.

No matter how often, I am still amazed whenever dealing with one.

Books, Thoughts

Early AM Thoughts

Posted on 8 May 2022 by arlanadya

In most of days, it’s the dark quiet room before Fajr.

The serenity of having breakfast in silence.

In Ramadan, it is the silence before the loud sahur.

The comfort of being alone with your thoughts.

Asking so many whys without knowing the answer.

Wondering ‘what do I miss’ about everything.

Thinking how much change has happened and will happen in few years.

Remembering one of the pages from The Art of Simple Living Shunyo Masuno :

But, there are times I would like to think the other way around.

Life is short but a long practice one.

How does knowing and living so many life dramas together with someone for 20 years considered as short?

How come longing for something for more than 20 years until it was finally granted considered as ‘brief’?

How could living a life without enough sunshine for 10 years considered as quick?

For me, It only feels short when you have done those years of long practice. When you have arrived at certain point after you have been through so many things. After you looked back, nooded and said, “What a journey it has been”.

That is the only time when it feels short.

But, those days were always long.

4.27 am post sahur for Ramadan Qodho.

Favorite things, Past learning, Thoughts

New Eid

Posted on 2 May 20223 May 2022 by arlanadya

This year Eid looks new to me. Consciously omitting few major traditions that have been doing for years, mostly because there were kind of Eid that I now.

Maybe this is also part of the consequence of having new Ramadan? This Ramadan was the first time I did few things that I had never done before in terms of my personal relationship with The Creator and with other people.

I usually don’t and rarely break any habits that have been done consistently for a long time. But, this year, I feel like trying to find out how it would be, feel, and look like, to not doing things that had been done for years, no matter how much time and energy consuming they were.

The decision to do things differently didn’t come easily. For the last one week or few days, changing the decision back and forth was unavoidable. As usual, the convo inside the head had been so loud. The battle between to do and not to do was intense. Almost everything won by the opposite of old Eid traditions.

It feels a bit weird, but not bad actually. Unlike few years where I felt sad about having Eid and lost traditions, this year it just feels okay. At least I know, no guilt is present. Not saying doing these make me feel over the moon, but, I could say this works for me. The question whether this would be adopted and become part of Eid tradition, that’s another thing.

Doing this Eid differently reminds me of the quote from Life of Pi that is saying “I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go”.

This year Eid, I choose to let go many of old things that have been holding me tight to the past. I am not sure about saying this is the right thing to do, but somehow, it feels liberating. Knowing I mustered the courage to try, so I know how it feels rather than keep doing the same things and wondering how it would be.

I thought the fact that this year is a ten year marker contributes significantly to the feeling of wanting to have a new Eid. It wasn’t like I forced my self to do this, but more of the curiosity to know how it would feel to let few things go. I want to know.

Ten years from 2012, I chose to let go things (which considered huge and important) like baking and cooking hassles completely and spent the Eid night in a place other than home.

Verdict : no tears shed.

But, I also keep the old one around. The only major thing that I did and think I will always be keeping is the Eid cleaning. Something that makes me always happy having it.

The happiest Eid tradition : a clean house with sedap malam scent.

Eid Mubarak for everyone who celebrates!
May this Eid brings lots of joy and abundant blessing.

I am actually the only one who is having New Eid. My brother added a new huge role and title called dad, the whole country also celebrates this Eid brand new by resumimg mudik, sholat Eid and family gathering after two years of absence.

The Hermitage quiet living room, 3.30 am, 1 Syawal 1443H.

Life happens, Thoughts

Ramadan and Life Milestone

Posted on 27 Apr 202227 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

The past few days have been the weirdest period in this year Ramadan. Everything happened so quickly and so hard to believe it’s really happening.

It felt so similar with same thing happened during Ramadan six years ago, with much bigger scale. It gave me goosebumps and brought me to many disbelief, confused mind, and constantly asking how could it happen so quickly?

It felt surreal a simple visit to a place could change a life trajectory for the next years above. The past four days have been the days when I woke up with certain specific thing in mind and continous pleading for anything that could tell us if it wasn’t the right (to do). But, just like what happened four years ago, there were none.

Despite the doubts that scattered everywhere, things escalated quickly in a good way, (too quickly if I may say). We slept it out and kept looking intensely, revisiting few times, instead of the feeling wanted to withdraw, it pulled us to the other side. It brought us closer to it until at certain point, we decided that this might be the time.

With countless bismillah, finally sealed the deal last night.

It is frightening, honestly.

Since we return from London, this is something that we thought might be happening within four to five years later. We had the plan, have been religiously doing the works to get there, but no slightest idea to execute such life changing decision, like now.

It felt surreal how life could bring something that you know it is on the way but fully certain and understand it is still quite far away. It’s pretty shocking when it is suddenly show up in front of your door, knocking so hard, screaming so loud, asking to be let in.

It feels like experiencing the famous The Alchemist quote in reality. The past four days have been the period of having countless universe conspirations that made us closer to the thing we’re too afraid of dream having right now, yet it is really here.

I am still in another period of countless self-talking “Is it real? Is it really okay?”. The last previous similar situation also happened three years ago.

I have been experiencing many little joy that Ramadan brings. It has always been the most wonderful time of the year. But, to experience and receive such enormous ‘present’ in front of our door, Although it comes with long term consequences, yet I couldn’t help asking, how could this be?

Last night was just a tiny step among many thousands more to come that we should face in the future.

Buckle up and,

Bismillah.

Dark living room, 02.53 AM, 26 Ramadan 1443 H

Thoughts

Bon Courage!

Posted on 19 Apr 202219 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

Warming up for daily school life starts today. After one year, the school tried a full week with full capacity. Couldn’t help feeling uneasy, but, let just see.

Today is an odd number license, so we took taxi to go there. Little girl keeps talking excitedly along the trip. When she saw squirrel before the last turn to her school, she couldn’t stop talking and commenting about the squirrel. I mostly listened and gave one or two short remarks once in a while.

I just dropped her and asked the driver to send me back home.

After she got off, the driver asked,
“Itu sekolah luar negeri? Bagus ya sekolahnya, hijau”.
“Ngga pak,sekolah biasa”.
“Anak tadi orang mana?”
“Maksudnya?”
“Iya anak kecil tadi orangtuanya orang mana?
“Orang Indonesia”.
“Oh, masa? Ngga kliatan kaya orang Indonesia. Saya kira orangtuanya bukan orang sini”.

I almost laughed out loud after the convo. But, not really in the mood to fix the misunderstanding. Today, I prefer being misunderstood to spending the energy explaining the truth.

My mind was busy worrying about sending the little girl to the real life jungle. The jungle full of talking where she should catch up quickly and interpreting many unspoken word and facial expressions. The hard work of making friends.

Just like the situation above, she might deal with so many misunderstandings out there while dealing with her limitation on her own. Just thinking about that makes my heart cry.

I pray so loudly may she will always be taken care of wherever she is. May she meet the kind ones. May she is given the strength to face whatever thing she has to deal with.

Amin. Amin. Amin.

Bon courage, Be!
(It’s me who needs more encouragement).

Favorite things, Langit Senja, Thoughts

Saying No

Posted on 16 Apr 202216 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

“Do you want to go to the next chapter?” aksed Mr Phillip.

“No thanks. Lets save it for next tuesday. Let’s try something different,”.

Happily choosing other activities for the lesson.

“You want blewah or es teler?”
“No thanks, I’ll make my own dessert today”.
Enjoyed her own oranges yoghurt dessert till the last drop.

“You want to continue tarawih?”
“No, I am so tired,” after coming home late from a family ifthar and a full day of fasting with morning swimming training.

Asked her again twice and it was still a firm no. A very rare no from her.

Yet, cried hard while others did tarawih and answered “because I miss tarawih” for the reason.

Words of comfort given by telling her that sometimes it was unavoidable to miss tarawih.

Daddy missed it because he worked till midnight, mommy missed it because of haid, yet accepting that you lost wasn’t something you could do in an instant. Left her and let her cried some more.

First thing asked during sahur,
“Have you crossed the board?”
“No, I haven’t. You do it on your own,”.

Few hours later, she pulled my hand to show something. A box with a cross sign and tiny writing on it.

Happy to see how she learns to say no and make a decision for herself, when the situation allows her to do so (not every situation allows her to say no). Happy for the adults who let her decide little things on her own instead of following what they want.

The consequences of saying no could be varied and it is not always pleasant. Sometimes it feels good after saying no, the other time you might regret and cried hard because of that no.

Things don’t always go according to your plan, but as long as you’ve tried your best, as the tiny writing she wrote say,

14 Ramadan 1433H.

Past learning, Thoughts

The Big Four

Posted on 11 Apr 202217 May 2022 by arlanadya

This overthinking mind has been analyzing what makes things or dreams come true based on observations of life experiences, both from hers and others’. Three of them are on us, but the last one, the most important one, is not.

First thing first, you got to have the MONEY.

Working on three big dreams on my 20s, that was the first time I realized, every efforts that I pour to make those things happened would be useless unless I had the money. I had time to work on them, lots of energy to search things that could helping me to get there, yet, money was the least resources I had. That being said, those offer letters from many universities only became collections and proofs of my efforts. But, it never take me there.

It might be a harsh truth, but first and foremost, no dream would happen until you have enough money (or any source of fund) to achieve that.

Secondly, you have the TIME.

Here’s what followed after money. I agree that time is more precious commodity than money. Having the money without the time, won’t take you anywhere.

Third, ready to give your full ENERGY.

Let say now both things above are secured. Here goes the third layer. I acknowledge this on the last three years staying at home most of the time with the little girl. I have sufficient both the money and time. Then I realized, those two alone are not enough if you want to achieve something. It takes a lot of energy to do the thinking, to use your brain at its maximum capacity so both your precious capitals above would turn into something worthy.

It takes a lot of energy to beat yourself daily, to keep being disciplined on a daily basis, to make your child doing hard things, to not get discouraged by small setbacks, to not get distracted when you see there’s an easier option, to not being muddled in disappointment for too long when things don’t go according to your plan. Having enough money and abundant time won’t take you anywhere without drops of sweat. Having time and money alone are not enough to obtain this rare distinction and such long lists of awards.

That was also happened during planning for my tetralogy Ilana tan trips. The money was there, the time had been set, but, it requires huge amount energy to take us to each city. Hours, day, weeks month spent searching the best options within our means, endless reading and inquiries for making the hard earned money and limited time available spent wisely. Without adequate amount of energy, it would be impossible to achieve that.

Time and money solved half of the problems, but, the energy poured into work is what brings you to the finish line.

Last, but obviously not least, they are written on your DESTINY.

At the end, here comes the most powerful among the four.

I got everything covered and I needed to go to go to Paris during my 20s, yet, I didn’t get there.

I spent four years saving for having 40 days of Hajj in two holy cities, yet, I only spent half of the normal days there and without a chance to visit Madinah.

I chose a song for a piano competition carefully, practised with my hard working, three-time-champions-student for months diligently, yet, the result was among the worst it had ever been in that school competition.

Above and beyond our best efforts, the end result is never ours to decide.

This writing has been running around the head and saved in the draft for many months since last year. Ramadan has always been the best time to release the beasts that have been wandering inside for so long.

Home, 9 Ramadan 1443H

Favorite things, Thoughts

The Feeling (Another) Ramadan Brings

Posted on 9 Apr 202210 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

It’s always this period of the day during Ramadan that brings certain sentimental feeling. The silence after Subuh, when everyone is (or seems) back to sleep, the house is on semi-dark mode.

Sitting on my desk with door or window opened, looking at the beauty of morning sky and rising sun, listening to bird singing, reading or writing some stuff, let the mind wandering far here and there. Remembering the good old days. Looking back to many things that had been through. Worrying about things that might happen. Counting all the blessing that have been bestowed upon me. Feeling utmost grateful for everything and everyone.

This Ramadan feels quite more sentimental than usual. This year marked the tenth year from the capricious 2012. Entered this year with a quite heavy heart, couldn’t help thinking and revisiting the old writings about everything happened on that particular year.

That year was my very first life-changing Ramadan. Losing two closest family members within two weeks apart, without being able to bid proper farewell because I was far away from home. My heart aches so much whenever I think about that. After that, Ramadan has never been and felt the same anymore.

Is Ramadan all about fun?

The answer would be no when it comes to planning what to serve. Without fasting, it is already a headace and hardwork. It’s not about the cooking part, it’s the thinking part. With fasting, a whole month, make it double.

When I still lived with my dad, I even made a matrix for a whole month. Took care three men and a baby, with different schedules, with different palates, I thought and worked so hard to decide what to eat or who would eat what for leftovers, every single day.

It was even harder during Ramadan because the thinking after fasting a whole day or how to make sahur easier to bear by serving the meals that pleased everyone was harder than dealing with the baby girl at that time.

Not to mention the preparation and the takjil part. Always be the one who woke up earliest and left the table last. I was totally running out of energy after ifthar. Those years were few of the hardest and the most exhausting Ramadans in my life.

But, saying I wasn’t happy was totally not true. I remember all the happy feeling every Ramadan brings, without exception.

This year Ramadan feels pretty similar like last year. It feels slightly more exciting since the little girl has been embracing this holy month well. She has been a sahur warrior, no whinning, eat happily, even rarely back to sleep after subuh, truly my girl. She made her own Ramadan plans and so far, everything goes quite well.

Two years from her first Ramadan, I am still thankful for many blessing in disguises the first total lockdown in London brought. Three months that changed our daily life forever. The chance to observe five times prayers daily, a chance to have a whole month of Ramadan fully done at home. That Ramadan in London 2020 was one of the most peaceful Ramadans I had experienced in many years. No complaints about fasting long hours in spring.

I love almost everything about living in London, except one thing that gives me assurance that raises her here is a better deal during this period of life : close to no problem in applying five times prayer and fasting. It matters above everything.

I love how ifthar becomes less crowded on the table now. Less food, only served the essentials. I learn by years that we don’t need much after a whole day of fasting. Yet, sahur becomes a bit merrier. Fruits platter for entrée, a little bit of main course and a slice of mini pastry or cake with cup of tea or milk for dessert.

Well, it’s almost 3.30 means it’s time to open the kitchen.

May everyone out there is having a blessed and joyful holy month of Ramadan this year!

7 Ramadan 1443H

More Ramadan’s rants :

Ramadan 2015

Ramadan, menyusui, dan olahraga

Ramadan in Lockdown

Langit Senja, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

Thirty One Years of Compound Interest

Posted on 4 Apr 20226 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

Such an emotional rollercoaster day for the second day of Ramadan.

Little quarrel in the morning.

Then in the afternoon, received an extraordinary exam result after waiting for 1,5 months and felt extremely overwhelmed about that.

For the past 30 years dealing with piano in any kind of situations, maybe today was one of the highlights.

For a student who practices diligently every single day, without any excuse, we expected the little girl to at least get a proper result. But, nothing prepared us for more than proper result…

For her, it seems nothing because she didn’t really bother about that and not yet fully understand what it means.

But for me, it feels like to be finally arrived at one destination that I had been wondering how it would look like, how it would feel to be there, for a very long time.

Went to the same school more than thirty years ago, completed 13 long years of education, not once my final exam result even close to what she got.

This was what I got on the same level 31 years ago.

Every report card with final exam meeting had been just another tiny disappointment felt at heart, knowing how hard it was for me to get, even least important award available there, for 13 years.

Many things contributed to that of course. I realized how different my situation back then with hers right now.

Yet, Piano is one thing that has been compounding more than I could think of. I had no idea how surviving 13 hard years doing that would give so many returns in many unthinkable forms in my life. Finish what you have started matters. Saying that, I wasn’t even close to a top student. I was one you could find easily from the bottom here.

Reading those papers, I realized how much it took for one little person to achieve such result. It’s not all about her. I wish her to not making a slightest achievement becomes entitlement.

Later, when she’s older, I hope she understands that whatever good things in life that comes to her, it’s not entirely because of her.

It has always been massive collective efforts from many people around her, that crossed her path who has been helping her in every step she takes. Beyond her parents. Beyond her families. Good things come to her thanks to many invisible hands that allow those things reach her and become part of herself.

Everything she has in life is something borrowed, and it means she has to return in some way. The best way she could do is not paying the one who helped her back, but the best way might be pay it forward.

But still, our own hardwork matters.

For every morning sitting on the same spot,
drilling hundred notes,
showing up in every weather,
dealing with all the pressure,
she deserved all those awards for all the efforts she had done.

In the future, the harder work is actually on the parents.

With such previous result on Royal College ABRSM exam with a rare distinction score of 147/150 (while normally, mostly it is around 130-140) and now her YPM with 99/100, managing our expectations might become trickier than before.

Standard has been set a little too high with, meanwhile I fully realized there’s no all time high for everything in life.

But, for now, felicitation,little girl!

Our work is getting harder.

Books, Favorite things, Thoughts

A Ray of Hope

Posted on 2 Apr 20222 Apr 2022 by arlanadya

Going to a public park becomes a thing that we have been doing weekly since two years ago. To be more details, going to a public park with public transportation.

I might have so many complaints about many things on this city (and the country), not to say the people with power up there. But, these two years, I feel some hope.

I had to take care few things on the banks yesterday and found there is a newly opened small park nearby few banks that I wanted to visit. All these places located nearby a MRT station, all is within walking distance.

So, we left around 7 am and went to the park first. It is not one huge park, but more like a neighborhood playground. It is clean and well-designed (compared to few parks with old rusty playground). The little girl enjoyed playing there and we stayed for around 2,5 hours.

The second nice thing happened during escalator queue on one of the stations. I saw people standing on one side so another one was given to those who wanted to keep walking. This wasn’t a normal view here.

When you go to other places, like mall, people just standing without bothered which side they’re standing. But, watching such view yesterday, in a public place, my heart smiled a lot.

More outdoor parks and proper outdoor area, reliable and comfortable public transportation, and the mindful habit by its people, those are more than enough for me to have a slightest hope that at least, we’re getting better than before. Or maybe because it feels having what I had the time in London as I wrote here.

Not only my hope on this city, but also the hope of settling in this kind of neighborhood becomes louder and higher. Although, financial wise, well, the numbers are truly beyond our means.

But, been experiencing many things beyond what I thought we could do and been given so many things far above my expectations for the past few years, it makes me more certain, nothing is really impossible (of course, with list of ‘ifs’). Dreaming is free, afterall.

Cheers to more and better improvements to the place where we live!