Two 15th anniversary for things that have been taking me places, witnessing many of life’s ups and downs.
Adding another two of the things that get through the years with me this month.
You know that anything new that brings us happiness will eventually adapt to a new normal, and it will slowly become our new regular, losing its spark. A book said it takes exactly 87 days for a honeymoon period to come to an end.
It’s called “hedonic adaptation.” Anything that initially brings you joy tends to lose its appeal after 12 weeks. The brain treats your new possessions/ habits/new life like expired milk.
The funny thing is, it’s only applicable for positive things. A negative experience can last for years. Trauma, destructive and painful experiences, doesn’t have an expiry date. We carry that all through the years and can still remember it fresh, no matter how much time has passed.
In such a situation, nothing and no one really makes anyone happy. So what does?
Finding novelty in consistency. The same thing that you treat as something new, periodically, regularly, over and over again.
Surviving, Taking care of, Keep maintaining the excitement, For the same things over long years, that’s the brain job. It requires thinking, not (just) feeling.
A recent event gave me another frown and uttered disbelief. It was another thing that I thought could happen in any random social media post I encountered, but to deal with this in reality, I keep questioning myself: What kind of world is this?
That was one of the passages on my previous post.
I don’t know since when, whenever something happens, something that has a direct or indirect impact on my life, something that I still have to deal with in the future, I have this constant annoyance inside to make sense of everything. Recent events on a personal level have been constantly disturbing and need to make sense.
Like Hermione, when in doubt about something, go to the library. I have been through my old reading for days and went through my gallery, where most of the contents are captured from articles I read in the past. I am also typing some questions in the learning machine. I have certain answers that I keep repeating whenever I discuss the problem with someone. But I am still not satisfied enough to stop wondering.
During sit and stare session in tahajud (this again another 4 am post), I suddenly remember one word I wrote in my latest YPM post. Then my mind jumped to another recent writing on the draft about my daughter who starts copying a certain habit of mine and elaboration of how habit and characters formed. There is also certain pinned post on my feed that I keep re-reading regarding this disturbing event because it amplifies the truth of what I wrote there.
From there, I keep connecting some of the recent conversations, looking back at some of my personal experience and some others related to me, and I start feeling a bit settled.
One phrase that could explain the event :
The absence of internalized values.
Previously, I can only make sense the behavior by calling it weak character. But then, what’s behind such weak characters that lead to certain behavior?
It must be something deeper than that. How does characters are built? Through long years of repetitions of habits. Habits can be good or bad.
Then, how does one build good characters? By doing long years of hard things.
How does habit formed? Internally : from genetics. We bring certain instilled preferences in ourself inherited by genetic from our ancestors. Externally : from our environment.
How does environment help to promote habits? Internally : Motivation and willpower Externally : System.
Some habits we carry in our genes flourish because it grows in the right environment while some failed to thrive because it doesn’t meet the right soil to grow.
I learned that we might not carry any genetics of certain habit, but, environment has enough power to perform certain habits.
Anything we have internally doesn’t really work without working on the external factors. Something that we don’t have internally might grow when there is strong pressure externally.
One of the reasons why certain schools are in high-demand because they provide everything to build good characters. The seeds are different, but with the right environment with good system, it makes bad habits have no place to grow.
So, what drives our attitude and behavior at the most basic level? It’s our beliefs and values. Values and character are deeply interconnected, with one forming the foundation and the other serving as its outward expression. Values are the beliefs and principles that guide a person, while character is the consistent demonstration of those values through behavior and habits over time.
Our core values are usually inherited from our closest people. Parents, teachers, or the bigger family. We pick our initial values from our surroundings.
Based on personal experience and seeing some results when someone becomes a fully mature adult by the end of their 30s and 40s, value transmission needs a strong connection and countless repetitions until it can be safely internalized during our formative years that persists through adulthood.
If it doesn’t take place at home, other circle with stronger connection might take the job. Friends, schools, etc.
“Adolescence is considered a critical period for the development of values and identity, when parents serve as important agents of socialization of their children (Alwin, 1984, Smith and Self, 1980, Starrels, 1992). However, parents compete with other socialization agents (e.g., peers, teachers, and media) such that adolescence marks a turning point when parental influence begins to wane (Younnis & Smollar, 1985). Adolescents begin to remove themselves from their parents’ sphere of influence and expand their own identity and values (Hoffman, 1984, Kroger and Haslett, 1988). The process of individuation accelerates as children experience important life transitions such as moving out of their parents’ home, marrying, and having children of their own, which lead to greater divergence from the values of their parents (Bucx, Raaijmakers, & Van Wel, 2010). Because timing appears to a key feature of value socialization, it is important to consider both pre- and post-adult children when studying the transmission of values between generations (Acock and Bengtson, 1980, Bengtson, 2001, Erikson, 1950, Hitlin, 2006).
Children couldn’t learn from someone who they have no connection with. No education could ever take place without connection. No values could be transferred without a strong connection.
Connection needs presence. They say quality is more important than quantity? Only true with adequate quantity first. No quality before quantity. Numbers can’t lie. Low quantity has a higher probability of low connection.
Can children from the same home and parents end up with different values? It’s very much possible. The child’s temperament, birth order, family situation, schools they attend, and things they experience growing up might all contribute to different values adopted.
How do we judge successfully transmitted values?
It’s how people behave when they have full authority over themselves. Things they do when they have all the resources on their hand. Things they do behind supervision and closed door.
The core values will also have an impact on ethics and morals.
Any behaviors an adult displays is the reflection of successful values that he adopted. Whether from home or another environment.
There is one memorable line from the current podcast I listened to from a marriage counselor :
“Value is not taught, it’s caught”.
(Deep breath)
An adult without clear values will never have clear goals in life. It is translated in every aspect of life. Living in confusion, picking up the easiest way to live, driving aimlessly until it crashes into something, the consequences of which must be handled not only by himself, but unfortunately, by others too.
Adults with unclear values even unable to internalize and own their mistake properly and do something to fix it the right way.
I never knew how scary it is before it truly happens before my eyes.
(Deep breath).
It took me few hours to finally finish this writing with countless revisions.
I think I can put my mind on ease a little bit now.
The past few days have been intense and feel like out of this world.
The chaos happens inside out.
Life, as I know it, has never been easy. But, previously, I felt like mine was the only one that was hard, while others seemed had it easy and strangely, I considered it was normal.
But the past few days, as a citizen of this country, we have been exposed to the ugliest realities that seemed to absurd to understand. It feels like living in different parallel worlds.
What makes it even more confusing, this also happened on personal level. The past few months,I have been dealing with something that I thought I could only read and see as something happened to others, but dealing with it first hand, it’s hard to explain that it is real.
Recent event gave another frowned and uttered disbelief. Another thing that I thought could happen in any random social media posts I encountered, but, to really deal with tbis in reality, I keep questioning myself : what kind of world is this?
Those tranquil days seemed so far during this period. Is it what those Palestinians feel daily for almost two years? Like there’s no predictability that makes you feel safe and secure.
How we call it live?
I currently experience the curse of knowledge, the consequences of noticing too much and intense, and the downside of being a long term thinker. At times like this, absorbing too much create some burden. Funny there are always indeed two sides of something.
At times like this, what I need is more detachment. Less instead of more.
Caring too much is exhausting. At times like this, certain amount ignorance is indeed a bliss.
This is not a 4 am post, but another written in the dark one while having a bit of trouble getting sleep and I desperately need throwing a short rant into the void.
A YPM alumni posted a writing about life in YPM and it triggered more alumni to give their testimony too. I am enjoying YPM’s little reunion on the comment section while keep reflecting and being currently on the down slope of parenting.
Reading those comments make me realize few things.
Not all the students become great/famous pianist. But, all agree in one thing. The result of all the rigorous training done for years are same for everyone :
the good characters stay, Especially for those who reached certain level.
Lower grade in YPM is about building discipline, consistency, resilience, and many kind of internal characters.
Upper grade in YPM (if one is given the chance) is more about displaying years whether those characters have been successfully internalized or not.
Before grade 6, if you don’t pass, you can repeat the year. Starting grade 6, if you don’t pass : out.
The brilliant one goes directly to PK 1. The not so brilliant one (like me) goes to Pra PK. It’s like another second chance of grade 6. If you don’t pass : out.
In PK 1 – PK2, if you don’t pass all or half of the subjects, repeat the year.
PK 3 is the final destination. The end of journey.
They pick 2-3 student to be taken as teacher, if they tick all the list.
Looking back, I think, those who could proceed and survive PK years, are ones who got the characters internalized, more than the skills.
Ones who, in spite being scolded hard weekly, keep coming. Ones who might be not so talented, but keep trying. Ones who keep juggling between task and challenges, they give their all to finish it,no matter the result.
Evening Replass is where we have play in front of others, being criticized openly and bluntly. Twice a week, From 7pm-12 am. It might sound weird, but, I have never seen an empty Repclass room even during school exam, like final test or even UAN. They don’t choose between school or YPM. They embrace both responsabilities equally.
Having/doing/surviving YPM in my formative years, it’s like a ‘shortcut’ to be a functional adult.
The most significant tangible result is nothing written on the paper, but when I look around my peers and realized I was entering 20s fully ready to deal with the most uncertain period of adulthood.
because I am good, but because I have been trained to deal with whatever adult should deal with.
Adults :
Pay their own bills.
Doing multiple roles.
Doing things we don’t like, but we have to.
Having clear goals and know how to achieve it.
Saying no to many things that doesn’t align with the goals, be it job offers or marriage proposals (plurals).
Fully aware that good life comes with price and willing to pay for it.
It’s certainly not because who I am. It’s the works that many people do for me in my formative years and YPM was the huge part of it.
Working and volunteering with the 20s for the past few years, I see it as one way to paying forward for all the hardwork done on me.
Succesful education can be considered by two characteristics : competency and character.
In YPM, they nailed both.
Closing this with one of the most favorite quotes from a book :
“Teachers (and great education) affect eternity. No one can tell where their influences stops”.
The past few days, life gave me huge lessons about few things. Or maybe show me some test to my character.
It showed me how reactive I am. How quick I was jumping into conclusions.
It showed me how much improvement needed regarding my communication skills.
It showed me no matter much I think I know what to do, at certain point, I will be slipped.
It showed me the complexities of raising a child. No matter how much I think I know about my child, there will be more than I don’t know and teach me those I don’t know through certain circumstance that doesn’t make sense.
I feel humiliated, embarrassed, disappointed, stupid, all level of shame from the lowest to the highest. On the other side, I feel confused, worried, defeated, and extremely exhausted. It has been countless session of talking inside the head and tears flowing suddenly. Even when I am currently writing this.
This is actually the real life test to certain thing that I seem to understand during learnng, so it gives me a chance to see how much I understand when it happens in real life, not through others, but first hand experience.
But, this also one of the moments of confirmation how precise Allah’s timing for everything. While facing this lesson, He let me deal with it ‘alone’ to make sure I am the one who get the lesson.
I wrote to the smallest details at the beginning of the year. It happened again this time. Been wondering why it kept delaying while for the past few months it has been consistently on time. It came at the right time to remove some of obligations while dealing with huge commotion.
Other than the emotions mentioned above, there’s one thing that gives me some light :
The amount of courage that helped me get through this. Years spent training this trait through doing hard things and decision making, turned out to be the most useful while dealing with turbulence in life.
Another thing I realized, we, as human, will never be done with ourself until the end. When we think we have done with ourself, then another layer will be peeled, whether we like it or not. Onion peeling event would always sting in the eye.
After many observations and countless volunteering sessions for the pasr few years, I found one similarity between those who always feel they are entitled to something : they have fixed mindset too.
When I realized this, it explains several things that I don’t think make sense and only consider them as, to say it in my own native language, “ngga tau diri”.
Yesterday, I watched a video about Genius Thinking that explains with one model call The integral AQAL model from Ken Wilbur which explains the reason why some people can get the life they want while some others don’t .
Based on the AQAL model, getting the life that you want is a very complex and complicated process. It requires high level thinking from personal level to society level and it starts from the ability to know how to think.
Writing this rings a bell about many things I read and heard in the past. In the entitlement post, I wrote about my daughter of how I considered her to be entitled due to many privileges she had.
I also remembered her language therapist few years ago once said that she had fixed mindset and one of his therapy goals was to train and improve that. At first, I was quite taken back hearing this from someone else, knowing all the daily routines that we’ve been doing for years, one of the goals is to promote growth mindset. Learning things, making her doing her own chores, doing hard things, etc. But, at certain point, it wasn’t enough (yet).
Now, it feels make sense because being entitled is indeed one of the characteristics of a fixed mindset person.
I see some improvements as years go by, Alhamdulilah. But still, I don’t want to take it for granted. I always think we have still a long way to go (this line alone, without I realize, is the way one with growth mindset thinks).
It also rings another bell about this country. There was once a research regarding the PISA result that said more than half of Indonesian kids had fixed mindset and it showed in their learning result.
Our education relies heavily on result, like exam result, and that is the most fixed mindset thing ever. While the base for growth mindset is process and it is what it takes to instill deep learning so they can employ deep thinking. All questions in PISA test requires that level of thinking.
No wonder we are in 78 out of 81.
It rings another bell too observing people in my surroundings. Those I often consider solely as “ngga tau diri”, turns out it’s not just about that, it is the fixed mindset that translates to many things in real life. Their thinking is limited thus their problem solving. They can only perform linear thinking to every problem. If it’s A, then B. Like there’s only one solution to every problem. They take shortcuts in many things in real life to solve their problem due to lack of understanding and thinking. (I remember writing line in previous post about raising onlies).
Naval said in his famous quote : The only true test of intelligence is not IQ, but if you get what you want out of life. There’s two parts of it. First, getting what you want which means you know how to get it. The second one is: wanting the right things, knowing what to want in the first place.
I now know how hard it is.
It explains why those people I consider entitled, their life stays the same and shows no signficant improvements throughout the years. The scary part, if I look back, who they are when they are little and young , they carry it until they get older. Close to no change at all, they are getting older with a bigger problem to deal with.
I currently deal with something that shows the cost of not teaching thinking properly when one is young is too big to pay when they’re old. Literally and figuratively.
This writing alone makes me really reflect on how I raise my daughter.
Am I on the right track?
Do I bark on the wrong tree?
May Allah make it easy and guide us through all the way.
Amin.
(This is also another 4am post that is finished two hours later and triggered by recent certain circumstances that made me realize I have a lot of biases inside of me. But, I still couldn’t help saying, in my native language, “masa gitu aja ga ngerti sih?” while dealing with this kind of people).
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After publishing the writing, I searched few readings in my library and journal. Found an interesting Journal about the correlation between Psychology Entitlement (PE) and luxury brands consumption and fixed mindset. Whoa!
This post and recent events also made me looking back my old post that said :
You can’t do the right thing. It cost you prison sentence.
You can’t do the right thing because it will make you look weird. People will drag you down from doing the right thing.
You can’t do your job properly. You might lose you life.
You can’t be smart and have good heart with pure intentions. You’ll be on the suspect list at the end.
You might have some minor misfortune, but no single law will help you to find the justice. You just let it go and let it slide.
You have to work hard for everything yet still couldn’t afford for the basic things.
You live in a home where your hard work is never properly appreciated, your feelings are never be validated, but there’s almost nothing yoi can do to leave that home, not only because you can’t, but simply because, you won’t, because it’s home.
I can write longer list but pressing the publish button is more important than let it slide into the draft (like many others before).
A relationship with something has never been this complicated.
This one too has been sitting on the draft for weeks.
Been volunteering since 2022, dealing with 20-30s something problems like work, life and love. What I want to pour here is more about the last one.
I once said looking for a life partner is exactly like looking for a job. You have to be actively searching for it. The process is quite similar for both and there are two processes: filtering and selecting.
I found a good discussion in one of forum that said in choosing potential life partner, people, especially women often confuse between filtering and selecting.
Filtering is the surface : look, income, etc. Selecting is the core : values, character, emotional regulation.
Stuff from filtering can change over time. While ones from selecting rarely does.
Many are choosing based on the filter criteria instead of selecting criteria. They’re screwing up the process.
Now, I want to see this from (my) religion perspective.
After so many observations, when it comes to choose someone to settle with, there’s a different order of criteria to be consider for man and woman.
Once again, different order.
For woman to find a man, judge the character first, religion next. Not the other way around.
Setting the bare minimum requirement still needed, it’s filtering the essential. But, it’s unnecessary to go too narrow.
Go deeper instead in selecting criteria. Seek values, observe characters, upbringings, emotional intelligence. One that is worth examining too is spirituality comparability. It’s rare and often overlooked, but, it can become a potential problem later.
Observe the consistency of the good and bad character. Ask yourself can you survive with the bad characters and can you catch up with his good characters?
More religious man with bad characters will make life harder than less religious one with good character. In reality, there are lot of men who prays consistently, memorize Quran heavily, doing religious activities actively outside, but, in the other side, their behavior inside doesn’t reflect all the knowledge, the purpose of salat and application of the Quran.
In Islamic education, adab comes first before knowledge. Building the characters first is more important than stuffing and pushing the knowledge to the child.
Everything seen before marriage will be what’s available during the marriage with very little probability to change.
Change is hard. Nobody could act outside their pattern. Nobody could change someone and will change for someone. Hidayah is priceless.
Choosing a CEO of household should be done more with the brain. He should have the skill and mindset to grow, protect, and provide; safety and security for the employees.
Clear thinking skill is needed for choosing such level of position. Believe what you see more than what you feel.
While for a man, when it comes to find a woman, go according to hadits.
“Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “A woman is married for four reasons: her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion. Thus, give precedence to one with religion”.
For women, she will be the one who sets the tone and level of how peaceful a home will be. True and utmost peace only comes from one resource, as explained in 13:28. To attain peace, it takes a strong connection to the One who bestows peace.
“those who have faith and whose hearts find peace in the remembrance of God- truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace”.
You don’t see peace. You feel it.
A woman is also the first madrasah for the children. Teaching, mothering, nurturing is always a heart job first then brain. To do it well, it takes heart that contains peace.
Regarding change, women are more likely to make it than men. Women are more emotional creatures. An environment that gives her safety, physical and emotional security will calm her nervous system. Those can lead to the change of their behavior so they can think clearly about caring for what’s inside.
In the end, again from my own experience, two people will find each other at their level and to survive the relationship, they need to be on the similar frequency, continously. That’s the real hard work of marriage.
During this season of life, the day can be divided into a few roles and shifts during the day.
It starts with quiet and silence in the morning. When the 3 am alarm rings, moved to the living room. It’s when I read, write like now, then followed by the Sunnah prayers and morning Quran.
The loudness of the day starts between five and eight a.m, dealing with motherhood’s tasks and duties. This period is loud and intense. But, this is also when the most important parenting takes place. Between 5-8 am in the morning is my 80/20 principles as a mother. Me as a child was quiet, me as a mother is loud. Whose mother is not loud anyway?
It feels like pushing a button or turning down the volume knob right after school delivery to midday. It’s where I play, do some work, and rest. The little girl always asks when I picked her : “what did you do while I was gone?”. Sometimes the answer could be lengthy, sometimes it could be no more than five words like: “I read and sleep”.
This period of the day is guilt-free. It’s one of the most important periods of the day when I can entertain myself, body, mind, and soul. I go for a morning walk, go jajanan pasar hunting, volunteer, meet with friends/parents, clean the house, read and sunbathe, and then nap. Nap time is important.
Preparing myself to mood-switching after midday where I resume working. Picking up the work phone and start dealing with customers and teams, while going for school pick up followed by after-classes session and dinner preparation. This is like doing multiple jobs at once. Tired, but totally manageable. Whose life is not tired anyway?.
Dinner always done between 5.30-6.30 pm and another period that I am looking forward. Works are all done. Study night with the little girl doesn’t count as work, it is more like a light discussion or checking some of her works.
When the last five times prayer of the day is completed, it is already near time for bed.
Saturday is mostly the loudest weekday during this season. (Any day that requires me to move around is considered a weekday.)
I decided one thing that I didn’t want to do in life when I was 26 : daily commuting and being stuck in one place for hours daily. After doing it for two years, it crushed my body, mind and soul. I didn’t want to move restlessly between day. That was when I understood that I need more than money to live properly. I was far from wealthy but I didn’t want to spend my life being tired and unhappy daily.
Trading stable jobs for tranquility is the price to pay and that was the first time I exercise my audacity to ask kind of life I want (or I didn’t want to be exact).
Everyone looks for peace of mind at a certain point in life. I just decided a bit early.
One of the gains from this kind of life that I really treasure is a chance to do my five times prayer mindfully and peacefully. No rush and I can take it as much or as long as I want (although there are times when it is still as fast as I can). Time and space to exercise the long surahs and verses memorized. The sit and stare after some of the prayers. At my age, any other gains offered but must be traded with such significant gain is no longer interesting.
From few angles, this life might look boring and uninterested. But, from many POVs, I am just privileged and and lucky that life granted me the audacity and go along with my decision.
Life before the London days and after that also plays an important role. London days were milestones when life season gently changed and no willingness to return although the period of living there was over. Life once again granted me the courage and audacity to ask such a thing.
I sometimes wonder where such audacity comes from? Only courage and bravery from genetic and personality? Or it‘s more of pure good fate and destiny? Because, audicity doesn’t stop there. It’s closely related to being resourceful and high agency. I often assume all of these contribute to the complexity of rezeki.
Despite knowing this as an undeniable privilege, maintaining this actually needs one to be sober and sane, not once or twice or sometimes, but all the time. It takes high level of discipline and consistency because it’s really easy to slip away without realized it.
Audacity is not just about courage or bravery, nor destiny. In my native language, audacity should come with “tau diri”.
Cut half of my income and spend only the other half since I was a first jobber in 18.
Number one and two I followed the example set at home. Home matters. May Allah keeps showering the rewards of all the good teaching from and for my mother . Amiin.
Number three, I didn’t really remember how I started but, having clear goals and three big dreams in my 20s helped me giving clarity and purpose what the money earned for.
I also learn that if you can’t be clear about your own goals, it’s likely to be harder to be clear when it comes to other people.
Doing all the those three since my 20s turned out to be a huge advantage in my 40s. Getting older is unavoidable, but what I just realized getting older comfortably needs more hard work when you’re younger. You’ll get what you pay in your 20s for your 40s. Good things compound, so does bad ones. All the habits done daily and regularly over the years during my 20s suddenly feel easy when I turn 40.
I am often being hard on myself because I know myself too well. I am basically and naturally lazy. But I want to live comfortably. If I keep validating my laziness, it will make life harder for me, so there’s no other way to do the opposite.
This also becomes my stand on raising my daughter. I want my daughter have what I have in this part. Although her life is not mine to live, but I wish her well being, physically and mentally in her adulthood, which means the preparation should start early.
Enjoying my 20s thanks to years of training done since my childhood and teenager years, again credit goes to my mother and for some part, my father.
Now, in my 40s, it isn’t time for relax and easy. It means another preparation should be done for the next two decades. May Allah make it easy, may the mind and heart keep being on the track to live peacefully in this world and hereafter. Amiin.
A Penny for My Pensieve 