Posted in Thoughts

In Limbo

Some periods of life are meant to be fully living while some other periods are dedicated for surviving.

In spite of knowing both will come and be on repeat like a cycle, it doesn’t make the heart becomes lighter when the low starts rolling.

In spite of knowing that the anxiety and the worry won’t change anything, they are still here and make the sunny days seem gloomier.

Currently, it feels like living in limbo for many reasons. It’s period of waiting during transition, unclear of many next things to come and it’s totally uncomfortable. It feels like losing control and peace of mind feels too far to reach. Everything seems fall into a wrong place.

You fear what you don’t know, they said. Obtaining big chunks of information becomes my self-therapy and it works for short period of time. But the dark clouds always return somehow.

Basically, I knew all the theory to deal with this. Accepting that these days are the low ones and it won’t be here forever, what’s so hard about that? But, living day by day with this heavy heart, wake up with no courage, bed time becomes an escape, it is scary.

When the wheels are on the low,

Day walks too slow.

The wind won’t blow.

Night runs too fast

As if it’s being chased

But, we know this too shall pass.

Posted in Langit Senja, Thoughts

The One that (Won’t) Got Away

Dear little girl,

As you grow, you will slowly understand that the biggest and longest battle that you will face is the one you do…

with your self.

The most important relationship you will build is the one..

with yourself.

People come and go. Yourself stays.

Relationship with yourself will become the anchor for any relationships you build with others.

In his famos video and book , The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch said :

“Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others”.

Donc, the one that you should take care first and foremost is..

yourself.

Along the way, you will find there will be some who laugh at you.

Be gentle with them.

But, I believe you will also find few who will laugh with you.

Be extremely kind with this one.

Posted in Books, Thoughts

My Best Friend

The best thing about having books as your best friend is there’s always the right one on the right time.

Certain books will find you in a specific situation, right when you need them the most.

The way they ‘talked’ without any noise or annoying voice is comforting.

The way they ‘listened’ to your situation without any interruption is soothing.

The way you can relate to the characters situation makes you able to reflect deeply.

The way they provide new insight to your real life problems scientifically is enlighting.

Zero percent possibility of judgement, drama, lie, or shame that instead of feeling better, would make you feel worse after sharing your problems.

A book is the kindest best friend you can give to yourself.

Reading by no means is the best habit one could do to both your brain and heart that will give long last, safe and secure protection that no one could take from you.

Good food, good sleep, and regular exercise will keep you physically healthy.

Good book will help you to be mentally healthy.

Definitely what we need to stay sane in this crazy world.

Posted in Thoughts

The Contrast

So much to feel.

So little to write.

So many words to say.

So little voice to elaborate.

So much dark clouds inside.

So little sunshine outside.

So many problems to solve.

So little ability to sort.

So much fear for the future.

So little courage in the present.

So many questions asked.

So little answers receieved.

So much happiness given.

So little gratitude returned.

So many battles to fight.

So little energy to start.

So much tears to cry.

So little smile to display.

When things get tough,

doing your best feels far from enough.

But, there’s no space for rest.

Because there’s no time to waste.

Try hard to keep in mind

those efforts are safely stored

until the right time defines

kind of result we deserve

So I hope.

Posted in Thoughts

Anxiety Pill

There is certain anxiety level that no amount of good sleep, good food, good book, good show, good music, or even good exercise and good long pray can make the anxious feeling away.

This certain level of anxiety could only be tamed (a little bit) by…

scrubbing the whole bathroom.

Scrubbing hard every part of the bathroom feels like scrubbing the darkness felt inside, watching the dirt away feels like watching some light slowly appears.

It doesn’t solve the problem, but it surely helps to think more clearly and chase the right amout of monster inside.

Whenever it feels too suffocating, bathroom cleaning is my escape.

Posted in Thoughts

Whinnings and The Cure

  • On reading many samples book on google play,

“So many interesting books, so limited budget”.

  • After reading and watching some videos about the best education around the world,

“Is it really possible to catch up with these kids with our current old style/conventional school/method? If yes, when?”

  • On dealing with this lockdown (by schedules, by closure, by anxiety, worry, and whatever),

“Were that London days real? Why these three months feel like forever?Why being grateful feels so hard these days?”

  • Being with the little girl 24/7 without break, being her teacher in every subject, it starts getting more suffocating. But, witnessing how her language seems regressing, it made me whine louder.

“I want break. Proper break. I am so tired.

Also me,

“Where else should I search for therapists? What do I miss?”

Whinning changes nothing.

But, there are times that I don’t want to hear any flowery words and just embrace the hard days as they are. To complain. To not compare what I have with what others dont. To feel as low as it can be. To drop everything and just doing nothing.

(Maybe) I’ll pick up myself better tomorrow.

Or next week. So I thought.

It turns out there is something bigger than my whinnings and it makes the hard days feel slightly better.

The daily habits.

No matter how hard it is, I no longer could stop myself of waking up at 4.30 and ready for breakfast.

No matter how shitty it feels, I couldn’t stop myself to do the least morning routines : reading and piano lesson with the little girl.

No matter how low it seems, I couldn’t stop myself from doing afternoon exercise with Heather. Even it’s only for 20 minutes.

No matter how messy I look, I couldn’t stop myself from tidying up the house, cleaning the sink from dishes, and start preparing meals for next days.

Last but not least, pressing the publish button in this app.

The good habits build during good days saved myself during the bad ones.

For countless times.

Posted in Thoughts

(Home)School in the Time of Corona

Recently, I read a journal about understanding generation alpha. It provides some interesting takes about these 2010-2025 born children who will be the largest generation of the history in the world.

Generation Alpha is defined by technological devices like smartphones and tablets, and smart speakers that speak back to you.

Like the little girl who always calls Alexa for doing the job that human usually does,

“Alexa, turn on tv!

“Alexa, what time is it?”

“Alexa, what’s the weather like today?”

Until few years ago, it’s totally unthinkable to do learnings in such ways we do right now. More, for small children like this alpha bunch. But, when change is unavoidable, the only way to survive is to adapt.

Three months without registered in any formal schools, as a parent and teacher, I am amused, amazed, and confused by these drastic changes that happened in learning.

Amused by how easy to learn about anything we want on our finger tips. How fluent this kid on navigating all these technologies. Something that is totally unavailable when I was at her age. There’s so much truth in the hadith which said that we should educate our children according to their time, not ours.

Amazed with the whole new ways of learning that we have to adapt, like doing online lessons, teaching and learning subjects without headache thanks to those brilliant apps.

There is one app called Numbots for learning basic Math. We got this from her previous school in London during last year lockdown. We were lucky that this one is still available for us to use. She is the only one in her class who is still religiously playing with this app.

Other than amused and amazed, I am also confused by the huge, wide, range of choices available and sometimes it feels overwhelming to decide what’s and what’s not important.

“Do the kids at her age really need to know about this?” me to my self everytime I am doing some research about her lesson.

For me, current schooling and learning become so easy, yet tricky and scary.

_______________________________

The highlight of doing this homeschooling on our own is the freedom to decide whatever we want to learn.

Being strict with the basic seven days a week for Math, Reading-Writing, Piano and Quran. But, totally relax about the rest.

This week is about fulfilling the promise made to write to a friend. Albeit the current tech we have, we’re going back to the basic this time.

A hand writing letter, with paper and envelope. Instead of clicking the send button on the screen, to post office we went. Glued the stamps on the envelope and let the other things beyond our control decide whether it will reach the receiver or not.

Sometimes I wonder whether these kids miss a lot or not at all about not being able to experience the way people before them do things in the past.

In some ways, homeschooling fits us so well. The flexibility, the slow pace, the excitement of learning. No unnecessary pressure of doing something for the sake of score/test. It’s liberating. The response whenever I said,

“Shall we have a break today from study time?”
(I love break so much!)

would be

“No! we have to study!”

There’s nothing more I want and hope that her future school will keep such flame alive.

Last year take on the same title.

Posted in Thoughts

Life in the Time of Corona : One Year Update

Life really happens for everyone in the span of this one year alone. A year full of painful grief in one side yet somehow, certain things enjoy massive growth in the other side.

Vaccine developed within a year only and some countries are really agressive on delivering the jab to their most vulnerable people, like The UK. Some other countries who handle this pandemic with brain and heart lost the least lives possible and now slowly enjoy the life close to BC time, like our neighbour in Australia and New Zealand.

Life in the time of Corona in Jakarta is not much different in terms of spending most of the time at home. The time we went back to Jakarta, The UK entered the second national lockdown as the new variant spread and school closure was unavoidable, until now.

The doctor has returned to inhumane shift schedule life and left us with only one to none free weekend in a month. Thankfully, he has secured full vaccine jab. The surface anxiety might be slightly reduced from the first month, but the heart is still asking desperately each day for the utmost protection.

Without formal school, other than having this menu at home, the little girl has an one-on-one online class for her piano lesson and another offline one for gymnastic. So far, online class is quite a headache. But, we still decide to keep it so she experiences another teacher other than her mother. Meanwhile, the private gymnastic offline class has been great. It’s been few months and she has been showing good progress.

We enrolled her to this gymnastic class for one specific purpose. To replace the occupational therapy she needs for her DLD/DCD with the closest thing we could have in this current situation. Yesterday, the coach talked to me that she was really happy with her progress and sent me pictures of her holding the hand stand by herself. Said that her hands were getting stronger also the balance was also getting better. The happiest part was when reading a text saying the coach loved teaching this little girl because she was always doing her best effort and kept trying until she made it.

That’s truly my little girl.

Never underestimate what a simple kind sentence can do. It is more than enough to made someone’s day and put her into a good night sleep.

While yours truly, other than juggling with house chores and other things, she enjoys returning to the language class that she has been craving for years. I am torn between amused, amazed, and confused how different it really is from the last time I had it 10-12 years ago. From the classmates to the way of teaching.

I was with those 20s something working friends when I was doing it in 2008-2010. Meanwhile now, I am the oldest among everyone (even the teacher!). My classmates are those early 20s something girls or even as young as 19 yo one.

I might be better in the language skill because I have learned for many years, but I am surely close to zero in technology part. It gives me a headache sometimes and I would be totally clueless without the help from this younger friends when it comes to learning language using so many kind of new apps and games. But then, it feels so refreshing to return in the classroom and learning again. I am happily grateful for this chance.

There are times when I feel deeply worried about the time lost for the little girl to play freely outside, meeting with friends of her age, and the uncerainty about return to the school because online learning with so many other students is very likely will work for her. Found this article which showed what the true loss for the children during this pandemic.

If we move the chair to the other side, we can view this time as a huge opportunity for her. An opportunity for us to prepare her better before she should handle the pressure to deal with the social life at school with her friends and teachers here, which, as we have experienced, is totally different with the ones we had in London.

I dont really worry about her cognitive. From the time we were in London to the daily study we do at home, she can keep up with adequate support. But, for social skill, it’s not only about her and her efforts. She needs the help from others like she had in Alfred Salter. She needs as much kindness and space for her to make meaningful friendship with others.

As I wrote this before, that has been my number one pray in every places we go. For us to meet the kind ones.

That would be more than enough.

After one year, I still keep my harsh tones for the way this brainless and heartless government handles this pandemic, yet the only thing to stay sane by keep going daily with the thought that we would never walk alone.

Hopefully, we would see much better situation in the near future. I can’t hope things to return to the old normal since there are certain things that I wish to keep them as we do in this life in the time of Corona.

What I need desperately to return is the free and secure feeling of living.

Posted in Books, Thoughts

The Nordics Life, The Reality, and The Wishful Thinking

I once wrote that having proper time to read and supported by a short and walking distance library with good collections was one of the highlights living in London.

Visited the library few times a week becomes a routine (or semi addiction). The more books I read, the more I crave for more . One book leads to another like snowball effect. My favorite sections are around 158, 650-658, and several of 302. Those are codes for Health and Psychology, Bussiness and Money, and Social Science. I don’t understand why and how, I have stopped reading fiction since few years ago.

Among many books I have read, a soft spot always left for anything related to Nordic. Their lifestyle, philosophy, daily life, education, even only by reading, I have felt certain peaceful feeling that is quite hard to understand. I have been reading all three books from Meik Wiking, a Danish writer and happiness researcher. This year he also opened Happiness Museum which instantly becomes my next travel wishlist . I also had finished Katja Pantzar’s Finding Sisu about Finnish life style and also a book about Lagoom, a Swedish life style. All those books were inexplicably soothing.

Do you know the difference between Nordic and Scandinavian?

Scandinavian consist of three countries Norway, Sweden, Denmark and they are part of Nordic.

While Finland and Iceland are Nordic countries which don’t belong to Scandinavian.

So, Scandinavians are part of Nordic, but some Nordics aren’t Scandinavian.

The world happiest countries list 2020 had been released and two out of five members are on the top five, four out of five on the top ten, and five out of five are on the top fifteen. Here is the full article.

I remembered one of the lines that Meik Wiking wrote in his book, “I wrote here as a happy citizen and a happiness researcher”. It’s such a simple statement yet so meaningful. To claim yourself a happy citizen, you must be taken care very well by your country. Look at this lines :

Other than soothing, half part inside my heart is also aching. It’s aching because it’s almost impossible having those things in the home country. There’s almost impossible to say the same thing about my own country. More, after watching all the things that that stupid, useless, and ignorant government have done in dealing with this pandemic.

Okay, calm down. This writing won’t rant about that.

Just like French, Dutch, German, these Nordic Countries are also have their own life styles. Everything is integrated in every part of life since the very beginning of a child’s life and the whole country practise those together. In the end, those become nation characters. Every single life aspect is carefully decided and developed through research, and regularly updated, but the main idea stays strong. The foundation is firm and secured.

After Katya Pantjar’s Finding Sisu and Meik Wiking’s trilogy, I keep going with more readings about the Nordics. I had been reading Helen Russell A Year Living Danishly and The Nordics Theory of Love from Anu Partanen pararelly and it led me to more readings and documentaries watching. Four episodes of Dan Rather’s Global Education Report potrayed how the school in Finland, as one of the countries with highest PISA scores, ran daily. The more I watched it leads to deeper heart-wrenching.

Free basic education to higher one, comprehensive pregnancy care to overall health care, the support of inclusive education, employment to jobless support, how, I mean, really how, they can think about those things in details and provide secure living for their citizen from birth to death, in whatever condition you have to go through.

There’s almost none that they have missed.

From the day you were born, you will receive a box full of your daily necessity of your first months of life. The box also served as the baby crib.

Once you enter toddlerhood, high quality day care is waiting for you.

You will enter primary education around age seven. It doesn’t matter whether you can read, count or write or not. It doesn’t matter whether you are that bright kid with high IQ or one with any kind of learning disabilities or any kind of physical disabilities, you are eligible to secure a seat in your primary school on your neighbourhood. No entrance test, not a single penny needed for this.

Basic education will go for nine years and no worries about dealing with standardized test. You will only have one at the end of your nine years basic education. Before that, everyone will be evaluated according to their own progress and support will be available throughout your education journey.

You will be guided and supported by those high quality teachers, who have at the very least Master degree level, and have been through 5-6 years period of massive teacher trainings.

As a school kid, you will enjoy huge amount of recess time, outdoor playground, complete school facilities to entertain your interest like music, sport, reading, games, and many more.

Finland has the shortest learning time yet the highest PISA scores.

Once you have finished your basic education, you can continue to either vocational school or university and there is no pressure on that. One choice doesn’t make you better than another, because in real life, we need each other.

You can move out from your parents house and be independent while pursuing the higher education because the country will provide you with some pocket money for the living. Not a single penny for the tuition fee.

You will have to pay high amount of taxes once you’re with a job. But, if you haven’t found the one that suits you best, you can take your time and still receive some support, not from your parents, but from the country, while searching for the jobs.

When you decide to have a kid, you will enjoy generous parental leave while still keep receiving 80% to full amount of salary.

You dont have to have the slightest amoubt of worry when you’re sick. The health care system will take care of you.

You will live in a society who trust each other. In the level you can leave your baby in her pram unattended outside while you enjoy hot coffee and warm pastry inside the cafe during winter.

You will be part of the citizen who pays such high taxes yet won’t file a single complain. Instead, you’ll be one of the people who answered “I am eight, nine, or even ten out of ten” when Helen Russell in her book asked the Danes about how happy they were in the scale of ten.

Being a Nordic means half of your life problems has been taken care of by your country.

Fifteen months in London, I experienced a glimpse of this Nordics beautiful life. As we come as a taxpayer, the salary is deducted by 40% every month. In return, we enjoy free education for the little girl, free lunch, free health care check up from the eyes, dental care, compulsory vaccines, and the huge support we needed for her learning disabilities at school, health care check up for me like pap smear and HPV vaccine, all for free.

We enjoyed fresh air, beautiful view every day, clean and beautiful huge city parks everywhere, proper playgrounds around the neighbourhood and integrated public transportation.

The doctor enjoyed humanely shift schedule, proper break within tough working days, generous annual leaves, even being chased to take more leaves, and not being disturbed outside the working hours.

It was short, yet during those times, we knew that there were places where we could have a better quality of life in every aspect possible.

____________________________________

It’s been three months since we return from those ideal situations and back dealing with a total opposite ones. I have been whining too often. And pretty loud.

How can’t I when the doctor’s working schedule takes all four weekends and national holiday, with no weekdays off, long daily working hours in the hospital, weekend online meetings. There are too much to not to be annoyed. It felt like being lockdowned by the schedules.

The pandemic made it even worse. Other than lockdowned by inhumane shift schedule, during these months, no single parks and playground are available for the little girl to play since they are all closed. Going out always costs quite amount of money.

Before London, such life seemed just ok. Far from ideal, but we didn’t know another way to live. Thinking these are the things that we just have to go through in life.

But, after London, the view has changed drastically.

It changes the way we see, the way we do things and what we choose for the future. From choosing a place to live to the school that the little girl will go.

The struggle is harder because there are this gap between the situation we want and the reality we face. Then, maybe that’s the reason why we had to return. To working on the gap.

To find some ways to go to our wanted ideal situation. Although it would be uncertain how long it will take, or even whether we will really have a chance to really be there. But, who knows we might get there. If it’s not for us the adults, maybe for the little girl.

The Nordics life seems too out of reach in this country. But, trying hard won’t hurt. When the Nordic people have half of their life problems taken care by their system, for us, we can be just happy first with solving half of our problems by at least, knowing what we want.

It would be nice if we wouldn’t be working alone along the way.

If only.