Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

Balance is A Myth

Few last months, working schedule has been a lot more hectic and juggling here and there is absolutely unavoidable. Adding another responsibility in the schedule makes other things should be put aside, like my favorite activity watching k-dramas.

In others’ glasses, I looked like having an ideal life by having my own work that I love doing it with flexible schedules (few hours for three days in a week), running a bussiness, taking care the little girl almost alone ( with the help of a half-day helper), taking care three men and house affairs, doing regular exercise, having days off on weekdays, and sufficient income to pay the bills.

I am counting my blessings above.

Now, let’s go to the other side.

With so many things in my hand, I should wake up very early in the morning than before and sleep later than I used to be. Working in the morning till mid-day, going home first to feed the little girl and flying again to another work. 

For few these months, every day in a whole week is a working day from morning till afternoon. As a newbie, running a bussiness feels like having endless working hours, dealing with customers, feeling anxiety about sales, finding solutions to any existing problems, keep thinking any possible ways to survive, and many more. It’s been ages since lazy weekend is available.

The consequences of such schedule, being tired once I got home is unavoidable and the little girl often has to pay for it. Compromising with her lunch since I have been too tired to feed her (a proper meal), allowing her to watch Gummy Bear more than the limit (what can I do?), or refusing to read her a book since I was too sleepy or I just wanted to lie down while scrolling my twitter timeline. I often compromised with her stuff but rarely did it to mine.

Even right now, while writing this, I am neglecting her main course breakfast, putting aside washing her meals utensils, and tidying up the breakfast table and other things that should be done now instead of typing this babbling just because I really want to write.

So, actually, when some people asked me how I got the balance between works and motherhood, I sneered and answered,

“Who said it was balance? It’s a mess,”

You can’t be very good in everything that you do alone all at once. Something must have been compromised for other things. When you can do things freely and leisurely outside then you must have someone to take care the house stuff and the kids at home. There’s no possible way to do everything on your own. When you spent more time outside dealing with works, it’s impossible to have the exact same amount to spend with the kids.

Quality over quantity? Hm.. I don’t think so.

I won’t write any excuses here and everything written above is purely pointed to my own nose. Everytime I feel so tired and like quitting these all, I remembered my mother. How she had been juggling harder, dealing with three little children, took turn with my father working in the evening after all day long taking care the house stuff, more she cooked everything alone from the very scratch.

I wondered how she could be still sane. Taking care one child even feels more than enough for me and fiuh, cooking is not my happy playground.

When I refered to her, balance seems to be real and exist, until I remembered how hard it had been to be her daughter, hahaha.

But, those hardships she had been given to me brought more advantages in the future than I could think of. I am forever grateful to her. Thus, I really want to keep up with her standard. She was surely neglecting some of our stuffs, she surely had her own regret, but she was never being ignorant and a quitter. Those are two things that I have too, gladly.

Knowing it’s been hard and even will be harder, quitting any of them is not an option unless if I really have to. It’s a better time management that should be done when you’re having more responsibilities, not omit one existed when you have a newer one.

Although an ideal balance is pretty impossible to achieve, being certain and believe these things are worth fighting for is enough to keep going. No greatness and grand result achieved by doing nothing. 

So, let’s keep going with such mess, shall we?

Have a nice day!

Posted in Favorite things, Places, Travel

Major Throwbacks

This month brings a lot of beautiful memories happened a year ago. Been looking at those pictures taken in the city that once had been dreaming for a long time.

Doing massive throwbacks in another platform is unavoidable. Autumn has been always the most favorite time to travel. Seven days having Autumn in Paris was one of the best trips of all time.

Looking back all those years of trying to make this happened, the failures, the emotional break-down, even the desperation to forget this dream because it felt too hard, too far. Too impossible.

It turned out the right time was just around the corner if the time had come. Unintentional action turned to be the key to unlock such big dream. Unintentional, but never a coincidence. I truly believe every single thing happen for a reason and invisible hand does exist to do something beyond an ordinary human calculation.
So, some pictures to reminisce the great time spent in the city, shall we?

Inside the Grand Mosque de Paris

The first glimpse of the lady right after stepping down from the bus
Jardin des Tuilleries in a sunny autumn
Skipping such line because of the little girl. The perks of traveling with kids.

Champ de Mars

The famous Seine
Under and inside the glass pyramid
Pont D’Iena and La Defense taken from Eiffel Carousel

Je te manque beaucoup, Paris.

I’ll be back.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Belajar Adil dan Sabar

Jadwal saya beberapa bulan terakhir ini bertambah dan ninggalin Langit di rumah lebih banyak jadi ngga bisa dihindari. Ngga lama sih, cuma nambah sampai jam 12 tiap hari. Tapi, tetep aja waktunya lumayan berkurang, tenaga dan kesabaran pun suka tipis. Dasarnya emang tipis sih.

Dari awal setelah melahirkan, saya sudah menetapkan kalo saya hanya akan kerja di satu institusi dan part time. Sejak 2010, udah ngga pernah mau full time. Waktu saya terlalu berharga untuk terikat penuh di satu tempat dan jadi ngga bisa melakukan hal-hal lain yang saya suka dan penting (buat saya tentunya).

Tiga tahun belakangan ini saya hanya kerja seminggu tiga kali, maksimal 3 jam. Ada satu yang cuma 2 jam. Ada yang bingung ngapain kerja kaya main-main gitu. Ngurus anak kecil sendiri, ngurus orangtua dan semua urusan rumah, lebih butuh perhatian dan tenaga karena itu prioritas saya. Kerja buat sampingan aja. Kalo saya udah terlalu cape di luar rumah, yang di rumah cuma dapet ‘sisa’ dan kalo saya cape, tingkat kesabaran saya itu jadi setipis kertas minyak paling tipis.

Masalah rejeki, saya selalu yakin insya Allah cukup dan Alhamdulillah bener selalu cukup, bahkan ngerasa lebih banyak sampe hari ini. Lebih banyak bukan sekedar nominalnya, tapi jauh lebih besar dari itu. Indikatornya : tiap malem alhamdulillah selalu tidur enak dan nyenyak.

Kembali tentang penambahan jadwal saya beberapa bulan terakhir, Langit jadi tinggal sama Mbak Wi lebih lama. Kadang saya harus dua kali keluar dalam sehari dan yang kedua kali Langit diajak karena ngga ada siapa-siapa yang bisa nungguin.

Urusan baru ini ngebuat saya sering ‘terpaksa’ bawa Langit ke tempat-tempat saya berurusan. Cukup sering. Kadang saya ngerasa bersalah juga, giliran urusan saya dia harus ikut kemana-mana, giliran di rumah dia minta baca buku, saya kebanyakan malesnya. Susah buat adil, terutama ke orang yang lebih inferior.

Udah beberapa hari saya nerima sms ada diskon lima puluh persen di playground indoor di mal komplek dan berlaku cuma sampai jumat kemarin. Udah niat mau ajak Langit karena lumayan banget diskonnya. Ngga diskon juga ga papa sih, tapi dengan diskon lebih ngerasa terpanggil buat dateng, hehe.

Jumat itu jadwal saya pagi senam trus kerja sampai jam 12. Setelah pulang saya makan siang dan di sini niat mulai goyah. Mulai terdengar suara-suara ketidakadilan ,’udalah ga usah, ntar kan hari Minggu bisa’, ‘cape banget abis senam, pengen mandi trus tidur’. Tapi suara-suara baik juga ngga mau kalah ‘kesian kali, kapan lagi, murah banget juga’, ‘jangan egois lah, giliran urusan sendiri dipaksa ikut kemana-mana, ada kesempatan kaya gini dilewatin gitu aja’. Akhirnya setelah berdebat dengan pikiran sendiri, saya langsung nyiapin…. makan.
Iya, Langit harus makan dulu.

Tadinya saya pengen mandi dulu juga tapi inget kalo saya mandi, ngantuknya makin jadi. Dan hampir yakin banget kalo saya jadi mandi, ngga bakal jadi kita pergi. Alhamdulillah ngga jadi mandi.

Selesai makanin, saya solat dan pergi.
Keluar dari lift, langsung liat playgroundnya, duh, muka senengnya kok gitu bener ya? Kaya udah nahan dan nunggu lama banget buat itu. Langsung lari masuk ke dalem.

Langit di playground ini udah familiar banget. Main dari masih harus dijagain kemana-mana sampai kemarin dia bisa naik turun semua sendiri dan saya bisa senderan sambi main hp.

Beberapa kali saya berdiri, buat videoin. Ngga nyangka ni anak bisa berani dan nekat manjat beberapa mainan yang sebelumnya dia ngga pernah coba. Selama sejam setengah kita di sana, seneng banget udah sedikit adil hari ini ke Langit yang juga terlihat super senang.

Ngajak pulang dari tempat main itu selalu jadi perkara besar. Di London trip kemarin, abis main di playground di dalem Kensington Garden, diajak pulang ngga mau, akhirnya udah sampe batas waktunya, digotong pulang, nangisnya udah kaya diapain. Bikin malu banget. Hah.

Cuma satu yang paling ampuh, diajak makan. Karena kemarin udah makan sebelum main, jadi diajak makan es krim ke toko es krim yang baru buka dan cukup rame.

Keluar dari playground, saya suruh ambil sepatunya di rak. Dia ambil lalu sepatunya ditaruh di lantai. Dia jalan ke arah tumpukan kursi warna-warni yang cukup tinggi. Dia angkat yang paling atas, dan reaksi saya,

“Udah ngapain ambil kursi, buat apa sih?”

Seperti biasa dengan nada ngga sabaran.

Dia ngga jawab dan duduk terus ambil sepatu dan langsung pake sepatunya sendiri.

Langit 1 – 0 Mama.

Saking malunya ngga bisa ngomong.

Saya perhatiin dia terbalik pake sepatunya. Saya biarin sampe selesai, apalagi dia cukup cepet pakenya. Jalan berapa langkah kayanya dia ngerasa ngga enak dan bilang, “salah, salah, tewbalik,”.

Dia balik lagi dan duduk kembali tuker sepatunya. Kali ini udah bener dan ternyata lebih susah dan lebih lama. Sampe kakinya diangkat ke muka😁

Sampe selesai tetap ngga minta tolong.

Selesai pake sepatu, leganya bukan main.
Langit 3 – 1 Mama.

Saya dapet 1 skor karena berhasil mengalahkan hawa nafsu untuk bantuin dia supaya cepet.

Anak umur tiga tahun ngajarin life skill ke ibu-ibu umur tiga puluh tahun.

  • Tunggu, lihat dulu, jangan buru-buru.
  • Melakukan sesuatu yang salah selalu lebih mudah.
  • Memperbaiki kesalahan dan melakukan sesuatu yang benar pasti selalu lebih sulit dan butuh waktu lama.

Makasi, Cipcus.

Semoga terus konsisten seperti ini ya!

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Uncategorized

Thirty Four Months

It’s been quite some times after the latest update about the little girl.

She’s doing well alhamdulillah. More words to come, sentences, and many unthinkable words in English that surprised us.  She’s getting friendlier with others, and as I have more working hours since last month, she spent more time with Mbak Wi at home and it has been going better than I thought it would be.

Swimming becomes our monthly schedule and she has made good progress about that. She starts showing more courage to swim without holding on to her father and seems so eager to be in the water. This little girl also has more guts than his mother. She once tried a very high slide in the pool and kept asking for more.

School is soon to be considered after she is turning three next two months. Actually, I have been thinking to wait until next school year on July. Postpone it again? Hm, yes. Another consideration keeps coming about this. Too long to be written here.

Ah, extended breastfeeding still keeps going with less and less session. Telling her everyday, the time is almost really up. This mom is truly lazy when it comes to deal with some avoidable drama. So she chooses to keep breastfeeding instead. Sorry not sorry.

Then, keep healthy and happy, little girl!

Warming up
Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Another August,Another Lesson

August has been well known as the most unfriendly month of the year for me. Many of real life plot twists take place on this month.

This year August brought its best lesson once again. It showed the truth of the saying, ” what’s not meant to be yours, will never be yours in any possible ways, beyond your calculation”. 

No matter how much and how long you work hard for it, no matter how many advantages you (thought you) had in your hand, it would never be you who decided the result.

A lesson came through this year’s YPC. This one student is a good one, and she was a third time winner in previous YPC. Three times of her participations, she went home with a trophy. She had a break last year for her school exam and re-entered this year.

YPC usually takes place in the beginning of the year. Between February or March. But, this year, it unusually took place in August. Maybe this was the beginning of the twist. 

She chose her song, practiced it well, since May, and around late July, another hint came. Among nine participants in her category, another one would play the very same piece like one she had. 

She was quite taken aback since time for practising was running out. We decided to change the song twice until she decided she would keep going with the first since she felt the most comfortable with that song. She didn’t find this thing a problem. 

She changed her song thrice too for her last competition. It was when I was having maternity leave and she changed teacher three times too. Albeit the short time of practising the new chosen song, she still went home as one of the winners.

This year’s song is October from Tchaikovsky and it was one of my favorite classical pieces. I had prepared this song for her since quite some time once she entered C category. She had some difficulties but still she nailed it. Until the very last day of training, she played very well. I kept encouraging her that she had the very same big chance to win as she did in her previous category.

All she had to do was playing well.

The competition day, she wore a very nice white dress and she looked pretty nervous but I still considered it normal. The boy who played the same piece with her was number three, she was number nine. I told to her to stay away when the boy played. I stayed and listened.

The boy played the piece very neatly, perfect dynamic, and without any single mistakes. But , compared to this girl from what we have during months of the practice sessions, it sounded emotionless. I felt quite worry as well as a bit confidence that she would do better.

I still clearly remembered what happened that Sunday. She started her playing hesitantly. She missed the first most important bar. But, the hope was still there. Then, she made another small mistake, but still kept going. Not for long, then, it happened.

Five years of YPC, maybe that was the first time this thing happened among every category in this competition. The first plot twist happened.

She stopped playing and ran away from the stage while saying, “I couldn’t go on, I really couldn’t do it,”.

She cried. 

I did too inside. 

I knew both of us were totally having a severe broken heart by this circumstance.

She went straight home with her parents. I stayed until the announcement. When it was her category’s turn, I heard the fourth, third, and the second winner from outside the hall and planned to go home. I thought yah, at least the boy didn’t get it too.

I just walked few steps when the MC announced the first winner of C category.

That boy’s name was called.

If only there were something that could describe how I felt on that minutes, I would gladly write it all.

But, there wasn’t any. This second plot twist was beyond my wildest imagination, and it was surely too painful.

We did ALL our best for the last 4 months, every single thing that I thought could help her, we did it everything.

I could still accept she ran away from the stage knowing her pressure was quite high, but the fact that the very same song won as the first winner, yah, it was truly truly heart-breaking.

The rest of Sunday spent silently. Trying to accept everything. Trying to let go and denying once in a while, thinking about some ifs, but finally gave up.

This year was never ours since the very beginning. The best thing was, we bet all our best in this fight.

I was so blessed having this week as the fifth week so no lesson for this week. I knew we both wouldn’t be too ready to face each other this soon.

There’s always a blessing in disguise in every misfortune.

I have my plan to talk to her next week. I hope she won’t be being so devastated about this.

Really, if something is yours, nothing can keep it to make it away. If something isn’t yours, nothing will make it stay.

I learned my lesson. I hope she did too. And we will come back stronger than before.

Thank you (not thank you), August.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité

Thirty Three Months Update

Unlike the first two years which each month progress was updated regularly, after she turned two I only do a recap. She’s going three in few months and I think I start having ‘time-flies-so-fast thinking phase already.

She keeps doing well, even exceed expectation if Denver II chart is the reference. She has :

– fully accomplished without accidents toilet training since three months ago (she started at twenty seven months).

– been able to count from 1-20, forward and suprisingly BACKWARD, in two languages.

– recognized all kind of shapes. 

– alphabets, with or without orders.

– been able to sing few songs completely and knowing do-do pitch.

– been able to mention kinds of animals, all colors, things, etc, in two languages.

– motoric skills are good.

– social skill been improving a lot.

– Al-fatihah, Al-ikhlas and five first verses of Yasin are almost done.

– Eating, drinking, taking care her things, doing what has been assigned, sleeping well in her own room, she’s good.

Thus, those above become reasons why I still postpone school. We had visited one of the candidates and after long talk, we decided she hasn’t needed yet. Why? From the discussion with the school person, what they will teach in playgroup level, she has got it and nailed it at home. Almost all.

She even isn’t three and I think, or we think daily school is still too burdensome for her. We have no problem with early morning wake up since we all wake up before subuh and she mostly has had her breakfast set done before seven am. But, sending her to a classroom still can wait for another year.

Motherhood will never be going easier, but for these three years, it’s been quite bearable for me because of many things that help me through this. 

Staying at home most of the time, working only few days for few hours, having no one to interfere my rules to nurture her and having good daily schedule are one of those things.

I am beyond thankful for such blessing and wish to continue having them around.

For the closure, Happy national children’s day. May all children is healthy and happy!

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Review, Thoughts

Parents’ Dream : A Piece of Lesson from Dangal

I know it’s quite late. Dangal was on the theatre few months ago. But, actually it wasn’t kind of movie which dominated all studios in every cinema like the one with superheros on it. If I am not mistaken, Dangal was only available in very few certain cinemas in South Jakarta.

I finished watching it yesterday with the doctor on Netflix and I have been repeating some of its scenes on my head. A great movie always stays longer on your head and probably forever in your heart. Dangal has those two possibilities.

It was one based on true story about Indian wrestling athlete who once fought for the country for Olympic and had to be satisfied with silver medal. The thirst for gold medal haunted him for a long time until he decided that one of his children should take the same path like him and accomplished what he’d been dreaming of.

It turned out that his first child was a girl. He tried again then the second turned to be a girl too. Until the fourth child, all he had were girls.

One certain conflict trigerred this father to start training his two oldest daughters to become a wrestler. He trained Geeta and Bambita hard. Started early in the morning, trained them like a professional wrestler. These girls, no matter how unhappy they were with their father doing, they kept going with the training. They tried to fail the plan sometimes and they failed miserably.

Although all of his family were against the idea, including the girls’ mother, he kept going. He asked his wife to give him a year to train the girls. If there were no result, then he would give up his dream forever.

I won’t tell a whole story here and of course, the movie goes like we expect. It’s truly worth your 2,5 hours of time watching it. Unlike my husband, I am rarely into a movie. Unlike dramas, movie often makes me sleep.

I survived Dangal from the first minute until its last credit title. Some tissues surely needed while watching it.

————————————————
One of the reasons why I survived Dangal until the very end, and more, even take some time to write a post about this, because it reminds me of some familiar moments.

I was once Geeta and Bambita with a mother like their father. Although the achievement is nothing compared to those girls and their father, I experienced similar things like those two girls went through until the very end. I felt like re-watching my thirteen years of life in the past while watching Dangal.

When the father unachieved dream was about Olympic gold medal, my mother’s was piano. She had been dreaming of being able to play piano for a long time. Until my father gave up one of his Vespas to buy her a decent upright piano. Right after marriage, she started learning privately at home. But, not for long, she was pregnant with me and her pregnancy wasn’t the easy one.

She stopped learning for some time until she had a chance to resume her lesson, after her second child was born. She waited that long. But, again, being a working mom with two little babies were surely not easy. She told me whenever she had her lesson when my sister was sleeping, this little baby suddenly woke up and refused to go back to sleep. Again, she finally had to give up her private lesson.

It wasn’t my mom if she gave up easily. Once we were older, she started searching for a music school to learn. She came to one of music schools in Manggarai, and asking some information to join a piano course. The administrator laughed at her and said they only had and allowed piano course for children age 5-12, maximum, if they hadn’t learned anything before. She came home with a blank form with her.

I was only five when this happened and on my third years in kindergarten due to unsufficient age to enroll primary school. For certain reason, my mother thought it might be boring to spent three years in kindergarten and it was better for me to have something other than school. Then, with such thought, she enrolled me to that music school.

She told me later, if she couldn’t manage to play piano at all, then at least she could see her daughter (and all her children actually. Three of us went to the music school) plays.

Similar to the father in Dangal, she too didn’t have the support from her husband, my father. My father was against the idea thinking it would be burdensome to pay for another bill while it wasn’t compulsory. There were three of us already. For an ordinary government employee, supporting five people was surely hard already.

But, again, it wasn’t my mum if she gave up easily. She stood firm to her decision, told my father that she wouldn’t ask a penny from him to pay the monthly tuition. Luckily, she was working and had her own money too. She even told him, she wouldn’t bother him about sending me to the school. She would take all the responsibilities about this.

She really meant what she said. I still remembered clearly, she sent me to the music school in a bright hot day, by public transport, while bringing her two other children along. My brother was only one at that time.

We walked from home to the nearest public transport stop, about fifteen minutes, put my brother’s stroller in a small warung, then got on a mikrolet until terminal and changed to bajaj to the music school. It went the same for the return trip. Bajaj until terminal, a mikrolet until the residence gate, took the stroller from the warung and walked home. She had been doing that for at least five or six years until my father started to take part in our music course.

I couldn’t imagine how she kept surviving all those hassles,bringing three little children in a hot bright day, by public transport,  twice a week, for a mere 20-minutes piano lesson. Yes, TWENTY MINUTES ONLY EACH LESSON TWICE A WEEK. For this part, I think my mother won a big time over Geeta and Bambita’s father.

She might not be able to train me like the Dangal father, but she never skipped any single lesson for whatever reason. If there were any, I couldn’t remember it at all. It was very similar to the father who never skipped a single morning and afternoon training for his daughters. Although she couldn’t play at all, she accompanied me practising at home. Made a practice schedule daily and sat right next to me.

Similar to Geeta and Bambita, I wasn’t too happy too with such training. It was hard and I came to tell my mother cried and said I wanted to quit. But, she kept telling me to go on and said to finish what I had started.

I won’t repeat the whole story about this since I have written an old post about this here. What I want to point is what my mother and this Dangal father did.

Unlike the recent parenting trend where parents are told better not to push the children to do something related to their ambitions, both parents were doing the opposite way.

I think, with the right nature and nurture, parents who push their ambition, as long as it is something good and worth fighting for, it could give the children something beyond what they could think of.

For many aspects in life, parents know better. They could see something beyond what the children could see. Sometimes, they have to drag the children to the roughest path for them to be able to find a great treasure. But, what some parents forget is they have to go through the same rough path as well and not letting the children go alone.

If it weren’t because of her father, Geeta and Bambita would never ever felt such great feeling standing on the highest podium, with a gold medal on their neck, while hearing (and singing) their national anthem played in a world sport event around the world. Not only for their own pride, but the gave the glory to their country.

Mine was surely very far from what they achieved. But, the feeling of accomplishing something well after long and hard years of trainings, litre of sweat and tears, days and weeks of lack of goodnight sleep, ton of patience, determination, and strong persevereance, I was lucky to be able to feel such feeling thanks to my mother. One of the best feeling I have ever felt in my life.

Dangal told you something about raising a (champion) child : There’s no easy way to avhieve good results in parenting. If you feel it’s easy and relaxing, then it’s almost certain that you are not doing it right.

The children might have hard times to keep up with such parents. But, what I came to understand after being a parent, it was the parents who have a harder and the hardest times. Watching the father massaged the girls feet while they were sleeping, cooking them chicken so they could have more protein to fight well, staying close to the national camp so he could train them early in the morning, booking a whole cinema to watch all Geeta’s matches so he could analyze where she failed, and many more.

My mother had been through the same thing and might be harder. When Geeta and Bambita were surely talented, it wasn’t the case for me. No matter how often harsh comments she received from the teacher about how untalented I was, she swallowed it all and kept going.

Whenever exam period came, she woke me up at 3 am and accompanied me to practice until subuh. Then, twice a week, she sent me to the music school at 7 pm for repclass and my father would pick me up at 12 am. Midnight. For a whole two months every year. She was with me to go through everything until the very end.

I surely have a big doubt if I will be able to keep up with such boldness to my own children. To fight myself to do something right over something easy is a hard work. Even if I feel I have already done and tried hard, sometimes it is just myself who wants to justify the less-effforts work I have done.

So, If you haven’t watched it, Dangal is a recommended one to spend 2,5 hours of quality time with your family. It’s absolutely on my a must watch list to watch it with Langit later insya Allah.

Happy watching!

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

THR Anak

Salah satu momen lebaran yang paling ditunggu waktu kecil itu pas dapet THR. Wangi uang baru yang mengkilat itu salah satu bau yang paling enak selain bau airport. Apalagi almarhum kakek saya pensiunan pegawai BI. Ngga usah lebaran, tiap main ke rumahnya, kantong baju kokonya penuh dengan uang baru. Receh ngga masalah yang penting baru dan wangi, dan kita hampir ngga pernah pulang dengan dompet kosong.

Di keluarga saya, ada tradisi yang paling tua dapet lebih banyak dari yang lain. Semakin muda ya semakin dikit. Saya kombinasi cucu paling tua dari anak tertua. Mantap bener kalo udah lebaran. Bedanya sama yang paling kecil jauh. Beda nominal uangnya😄

Saya berapa kali memperhatikan orangtua yang anaknya masih kecil dan belum ngerti uang menganggap jatah THR anak itu adalah untuk orangtua. Saya agak janggal dengan ini.
 
Dari dulu, sejak saya sadar arti dan jumlah uang, semua uang yang didapat itu pasti masuk tabungan. Ibu saya buat tabungan untuk kami bertiga masing-masing. Saya inget banget itu di bank pemerintah bisa buat tabungan dengan nama anak dengan QQ orangtuanya. Jadi, setiap lebaran atau ulang tahun semua uang yang kami terima ngga ada yang masuk ke orangtua saya. Semua masuk ke tabungan masing-masing. Boleh diambil seperlunya kalo ada yang mau dibeli.

Menurut saya memang seharusnya seperti itu ya. Itu bukan punya orangtua. Dikasih jelas ke anaknya. Jadi, buat saya agak aneh kalo ada orangtua yang ‘ngambil’ THR anaknya hanya karena anaknya belum ngerti atau cukup umur.

Sejak lebaran pertama Langit tiga tahun lalu, semua uang yang didapat saya masukan satu tabungan yang jarang diotak-atik. Meskipun masih pakai nama saya, tapi hampir semua uang di dalamnya uang Langit. Rencana saya ketika dia sudah ngerti uang, akan saya buatkan tabungan sendiri. Tahun ini jumlahnya sudah lumayan banget. Karena ngga pernah dibeliin apa-apa juga. 

Tapi, sejak beberapa hari lalu, saya pikir kenapa harus semuanya disimpen terus. Mungkin akan lebih terasa kalo dia juga bisa nikmatin sesuatu dari uangnya. Saya sudah tau kira-kira baiknya dibelikan apa. Cuma kurang tau persis harganya berapa. Saya ngga mau dibelikan mainan kecil-kecil yang cuma berakhir dipretelin dan rusak gitu aja. Budgetnya agak tinggi ngga masalah karena jumlah uang yang udah disimpen selama tiga tahun pun lumayan. Yang jelas ngga dihabiskan semua.

Saya jarang belikan mainan karena ngga tahan berantakannya. Biasanya juga abis dibeliin, mainin sebentar, bosen trus udah. Makanya lebih rela beli yang ngga mahal dibanding yg murah tapi cuma jadi remah-remah. Boneka sama sekali ngga pernah. Semua boneka pasti karena dikasih. ‘Mainan’ paling banyak yang saya semangat beliinnya buku karena memang Langit juga suka.

Rumah saya hanya sekitar 10-15 menit dari pasar mainan anak-anak yang terkenal tapi belum pernah sama sekali kesana sampai kemarin. Setelah cek di internet harganya lumayan, kami putuskan untuk coba cek di pasar ini kalo aja bisa lebih murah.

Ternyata ngga banyak yang jual. Setelah datengin beberapa toko dan dapet rekomendasi ternyata hanya dua toko yang jual. Toko pertama jual 200 ribu lebih murah dari toko kedua. Biarpun saya memang udah niat, tapi kebiasaan pasti pas mau beli mikir lagi. Biarpun ini memang uangnya Langit dan yakin dia bisa nikmatin dalam jangka waktu yang cukup lama, bisa dimainin bareng-bareng juga kalo sepupu-sepupunya datang. Jadi sebenernya nilai tambahnya cukup banyak.

Akhirnya abis baca bismillah berapa kali, dibayar juga. Lega. Liat muka Langit abis dipasang dan bisa dimainin tambah lega. Apalagi ternyata ada mainan lain seperti ring basket dan xylofonnya. Dua hal yang Langit suka juga. Makin ngga nyesel udah beli. Seneng banget rasanya beli sesuatu yang dia bisa bener-bener nikmatin.

Hasil dari THR tiga tahun berubah jadi tiga hal yang Langit suka : perosotan, basket, dan xylofon.

Hal lain yang juga jadi nilai plus dari pembelian ini adalah ngga perlu repot-repot nungguin playground TK depan rumah buka buat main perosotan. Juga ngga perlu ke taman buat main basket sama abg-abg. Semua senang.

Jadi, meskipun space rumah lebih sempit, tabungan lebih sedikit, tapi hati lebih penuh. 

Selamat main, bayi kecil!

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

A(n) (Un)Confident Mother

I had been and might still have been the title with the letters in the bracket since the beginning of motherhood. Being a mother without very least help from the elders, without my own mother, pushed me to go beyond what I could think I was capable doing of.

After 2,5 years, I am slowly heading to the title without the letters in the bracket. Watching Langit grows healthily and happily makes the confidence level is slowly going up. For a pair of mother and daughter who rarely meets others like doing playdate,etc, I rarely have comparison with others. So, basically, Langit is going according to my standard. Not others.

In her 30 months, I just realized that she is doing slightly better than others for certain parts. When I was talking to my sis in law whose daughter only two weeks apart from Langit, she said that Langit has been quite advance in her language. I don’t reallu know what should be a normal 2,5 years toddler acquire, but this is Langit’s :

– Counting 1-20, plus in a reverse way.

– Recognizing almost all colors. She loves purple and pink.

– Recognizing alphabet letters from A-Z, even when we were not going in order.

– Singing a complete few songs with the right tune.

We traveled for homecoming and challenged ourselves to let her travel without any diapers and she did it. Three days traveling without any single diapers and no accidents. She has already done well at home. But, we hadn’t been brave enough to travel without diapers before. So, we tried this one and she did it!! I am very proud of you, baby girl. And of course, you too dear self.

The trip also shown the improvement of her social skill a lot. For an introvert whose strength is not through meeting people, this year homecoming gave another surprise about how much she has improved. She played here and there without me and her father, hugging and kissing her cousins comfortably, not goes same with adults though. But still, she was doing way much better. Her grandma was busy showing off her here and there by continously asking here things, numbers, colors, etc. 

I start wondering maybe the time for school is getting near.

————————————

I hate being an unconfident mother. Saying this because I was in that position once when Langit went to the baby class when she was 15-18 months. I felt what I had been doing all day and everyday were useless. 

Knowing she couldn’t adjust well to the classroom situations, while others’ child did, it gave me anxiety like piano exam. Watching other families enjoyed the activities instructed well, while I was busy chasing her and there. Not happy. I felt more like a nanny than a mommy.

That was why, right after I decided to stop going to the class, I told myself to stop comparing and looking at others. But still, keep in line. When she was really late, then we did something too.

There’s never been anything instant in my life. Guess it goes the same in raising Langit. When other mothers with similar child age still deal with No-Eating phase until this time, I am confidently say I don’t. I have been bragging too much about this before. The way Langit eats everything, not a session of Gerakan Tutup Mulut happened to me, etc. Exaggerating, perhaps?

I was not. 

But, I would emphasize about how I have been through a year full of feeding battle and hassle. Those scary days, three times a day was a nightmare. When feeding time came, don’t ask how heavy this heart was. But still, quit was, is, and will never be in my dictionary. I kept going EVERYDAY, dealing with all those feeding hassles three times a day. 

When others mom might have given up thinking there was no need to push, babies would ask for food later of they were hungry. I have fully understood that this kind of statement had more wrong than right.

Eating is a learning process and it takes quite amount of energy to do it for a baby. We teach a little human being whose knowledge about food and eating is zero. They have to learn to distinct the flavours, munch and swallow the food by using their jaws, and many more. Eating, like any other learnings, is tiring for the baby. That is why patience is needed in a big amount during feeding.

There were times I really wanted to give up, but then I knew, once I did it, the second time would be much easier. Then, I would end up giving up one of the most important things a child should get from her parents : the best nutrition in her golden years. Dealing with ‘makan diemut’ for hours seemed to be a better choice than losing.

When this phase was finally over, I couldn’t be happier. Yes, like happiness that won’t last forever, hassle and sadness are doing the same.

I was quite proud to see her among other children in my husband family during homecoming. She showed her manner well, saying thank you and sorry properly, cleaning her own mess, eat properly, rarely being cranky, and with those ‘look-smart’ counting in English, color naming, alphabet and things pointing, no wonder her grandma kept showing her abilities to almost everyone. Though, she’s not the type who enjoys a big full attention to herself, especially from adults. 

It feels good knowing that you have been doing a good job. The best part of choosing to stay with the baby, you can take credits for the good result shown. 

Don’t be too happy. It goes same thing when your baby shows something unpleasant, then you please take the credits too. What his or her parents doing will be the first that jumps into others’ mind when they see something unpleasant from the baby.

We all judge. No exceptions.

Sometimes, it feels hurt watching the baby slowly grow up right before my eyes. Yes, days are slowly. Years are the flying ones. Since I am living days with her, so it both feels slowly and quickly.

I feel like I will continue being both titles in the future years. The job isn’t going easier and smoother as she grows up. But then, as long as I can, I am heading and will be doing everything within my power, towards the title without the bracket letters.

Among those full of istighfar days in raising a child, there are also days when you feel so happy and grateful having motherhood (and parenthood) as one of the things given in your cards.

Eid Mubarak! Hope you have a blessed and joyful one!

Posted in Langit Senja, Places, Travel

Langit Senja in UK

I don’t know why I couldn’t do the editing on the pictures to write the captions so I just wrote it manually.It was fine before. Nevertheless, keep going to post these baby’s faces during the trip.

Trafalgar Square

St James Park

Manchester Piccadily Station

Anfield Stadium Tour, Liverpool

Old Trafford, Manchester

Manchester’s Air BnB

Sleeping at Vimto Park, Manchester

Ice cream on a cold day in Udderlicious, Islington

Parliament Square, Westminster

St James Park

Kensington Garden Playground


Ready to go home, Heathrow Airport


Thank you for the hospitality, Union Jack. See you again next time!