For the past 10 years, the most difficult part of parenting is not about her. The hardest struggle is about regulating my self. The toughest battle is about to change what’s inside me. To fight many things that that have been imprinted subconsciously for years.
To unlearn few beliefs growing up that no longer resonates with me. Yet, in the other hand, to insist she understands, memorizes, and applies certain values that I consider important.
To acknowledge those things, it is important. To fight it, boy, it’s a battle that makes me cry regularly during early morning one-on-one session. Even every time I edited this post, tears couldn’t help falling knowing how much I lack as a mother.
Other than our spouse, The One who we really have to include in every stage of parenting is the creator. Guidance, patience, compassion, things that could only be granted by Him in this life task of raising a human being.
As she is growing up, I am also growing old. May Allah grant me the force needed as we’re heading to puberty and perimenopause. Amin.
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For the past ten years, she grows as beautiful as the literal meaning of her name. Inside out.
For the past ten years, she has grown according to the meaning of her name. A knowledge seeker, a learner, a beautiful sunbeam illuminating our world, makes life full of hope, warmth, and radiance.
In her name as a whole, my hope refers to QS 58: 11
وَإِذَا قِيلَ ٱنشُزُوا۟ فَٱنشُزُوا۟ يَرْفَعِ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ مِنكُمْ وَٱلَّذِينَ أُوتُوا۟ ٱلْعِلْمَ دَرَجَـٰتٍۢ ۚ “Allah will elevate those of you who are faithful, and ˹raise˺ those gifted with knowledge in rank”.
Happy 10th birthday, my dearest. May Allah bless you with strong faith, excellent health, and sufficient wealth and always guide you every step of the way. I wish you all the resilience and excitement you need to deal with whatever life throws at you.
I hope this first decade of your life has been a great enjoyable ride for you as it’s for me. It’s not always rainbow, but being your mother has been one of the best adventures in my life.
Thank you for all the random “I love yous” you throw me daily. You know I love you too, right?
Nothing compared to the tranquility between 3.00-4.30 am daily.
The silence at home, the sound of white noise around, and the darkness of the living room. Those combinations are another level of addiction and something that I am craving for daily.
It feels like a refreshing warm up to start the day. It prepares all the muscles to get ready to deal with whatever the day would bring.
It gives one of the life goals that I constantly pursue :
One of the economic principles is actually applicable to travel: Maximizing the utility of goods/things to get maximum benefits with minimum resources.
Maximising the visa before it expires since obtaining it was quite a hassle. Using the particular lane for families with young children while we still can. Low-season travel while we get the chance. And many more excuses I could make up to justify travelling.
We just returned from visiting another Kota M this year (there is a popular Netflix series here called The Setting with Kota M). While the first Kota M is located in Europe, the second one is in Australia.
After spring in Munich, we had a chance to experience another spring in Melbourne.
It was so nice to be in the place where the air is clean.
Cleaned my face after went around and the color of the cotton used to wipe the face didn’t change much, while at home, it always turned black.
Real blue sky in a normal country is surely different from one in another country whose sky is blue oligarchs.
Our itinerary in the city is always between garden and library. Walked around the huge Royal Botanical Gardens for few hours, breathing the fresh air, listening to the forest sound, and my favorite one : sat and stared by the lake. Doing boring things while traveling is always our main itinerary.
We also went to Luna Park and let the girl enjoyed quite few rides. It was hot and loud.
Done with sensory overload, what we need to is full amount of tranquility. So off we went to St. Kilda Beach.
After Three days in Melbourne, several things that really nice after visiting two cities in Australia :
They have the most comfortable transport station to go around the town. Both Sydney and Melbourne have quite massive tram routes where most major landmarks can be reached by tram only. Tram is so convenient. No going up and down the stairs for subway/train. It makes everything feels near. Need to go to a proper beach? One ride 30mins tram away from city. Need to visit art gallery? Few rides stops from central. Need to run by the river or slow morning walk in a proper beautiful garden? Tram will take you there. I am always sold to a place where public transport system is well-designed.
Proper halal good delicious food is easily accessible. Indonesian restaurants are everywhere, they have two best Lanzhou noodles that the rival only matched with the first one we had in Tokyo, and many more halal choices.
People are (so far), properly friendly. No cold face like Korean and few Europeans, and most importantly no translation needed here.
It feels European enough in ambience with Asian taste in tongue.
Clean, fresh air to breathe.
The highlight of this trip was a road trip through Great Ocean Road. We stopped by Torquay Beach, Maits Rest Rain Forest Walk and the famous Twelve Apostles.
Nature trip will never fail to give you wide spectrum of emotions. It’s when the most sophisticated phone couldn’t capture what your eyes see. No words could describe properly to explain the magnificent beauty.
Couldn’t help being half grumpy while dealing with the windy, yet tremendously grateful by the opportunity to roam around the world seeing the nature created by Allah The Almighty.
We stayed a night in Port Campbell in a motel by the ocean. So so beautiful.
We safely returned at ‘home’ after 30hours on the road.
Road trip, in some parts, is indeed exciting. The breathtaking scenery along the way, visiting places that I have never thought I am able to visit. Places that always create constant self talk inside the head and sense of wonder and reminder how enormous this world is beyond my comfortable home.
But, some things behind the scene are ugly.
Like being cautious of the driving rules of another country, which is totally different from where we come from (which rules are never really clear). During travel, I am the anxious one while one in the driver seat has always been the calm one.
In a road trip, both are anxious (😂, now it sounds funny, but in reality, not really) which the only one left who stays calm is a 10 year old in a passenger back seat. My husband is basically an easy going laid back person, unless, when he drives. Driving in unfamiliar country doubles his tension.
Parking is tricky, eating schedule is messy, namaz time is uncertain and food is mostly unhappy (I survived with a banana and greek yoghurt yesterday since I couldn’t take more instant food). The other side of it is tiring for me.
A big applause for the driver for unlocking a new badge of road trip around the world and also, for the little girl on the back for surviving another long ride without complaining and whining. She’s also one of the reasons why we can go places enjoyably and sanely for many years, because we don’t have to deal with any tantrums,
I do really enjoy all the places we stopped by, but being trapped in the car on the road longer than 2 days, it’s not really my cup of tea.
And, unless doing it with this squad, I’d rather pass.
Most of the time, I always choose an accommodation which provides separate bed for kids. It’s important thing to take into account that everyone should sleep comfortably during the period of uncertainty.
I also visited two libraries and four bookstores in Melbourne and I couldn’t help myself buying and shooking my head in disblief : “Perpustakaan negara orang bagus-bagus banget, ya Allah”.
As always, I also did my solo stroll in Melbourne.
After few days here, this city feels and seems like to be a good place to start adulthood. Met Indonesian students everywhere we go, working part time either in restaurants,amusement park, or grocery stores, spent their free schedule to earn some money between courses.
The similarity : the hospitality looks genuine and they look happy doing their work.
In the tiny bussiness we run for the past few years, since 2019, I started hiring students to work with me and keep hiring students only. I want an employee who also pursue his study. I told them I’ll cater their classes schedule, whatever it is, as long as they commit to their work. It’s not a common practice in Indonesia to work while studying, unless you have a pressure to do so.
While I believe earning your own money once you turn 18 or at least 20 is really important for your emotional and mental health. You might still depend on your parents for certain things, but, at least, you don’t have to ask them to top up your phone credit, dine out out or pay your gas. To be a functional adult, you need such basic freedom at least.
Few other important things I notice here:
People in Melbourne walk in a normal pace. No speed walking, no rushing like they chase something. Exactly how they drive, no honking. When they overtake, they do it politely.
They’re Asians at heart. Other than coffee shop, the most full packed restaurants are either Chinese, Korean, or Japanese. Indonesian and Malay one is still full of their own people. Most employees in hospitality are Asians. No wonder they call this city the second home.
This trip feels comfortable because comfort food is reachable. Nasi goreng, sup buntut, iga bakar madu, sate kambing, you name it they have it.
Traveling always gives new insights. The first Kota M we visited this year made me can’t go back to the usual pastry or bread.
The insight gained from this second Kota M already made me searching information and the tuition fee to study in a Melbourne University.
Seven days of pleasant beauty and hospitality finally come to an end.
Let’s meet again for another opportunity, insya Allah. Till then, Melb!
Here’s the highlight : met a koala in wild life. Been to Australia : ✅
If book titles describe my life,then up to this 40 years, it has been a series of Unreasonable Hospitality bestowed by Allah the Almighty.
All the things that brought me here,the ups and downs, have been The Ride of a Lifetime.
Where I am in my 40th year is the combination of Allah’s endless favours,the love and support I received from my loved ones and the accumulation of self-courage to constantly choose and Do Hard Things from The Defining Decade and the following one after that.
When I look back, Thinking in Bets often becomes my standard operating procedure for navigating life, especially when it comes to something that matters to me because, for many things, it Always Seems Impossible Until It’s done.
If one asks How to Measure Your Life? Looking back, I see the choices made with no regrets: Finish What You Start, enjoy Tiny Beautiful Things, live A Walking Life, and keep training for an Organized and Disciplined Mind through consistent Atomic Habits for the past 20 years.
I am far from The Smartest Kid in The World, but I am blessed with Grit,a right Mindset, love playing The Infinite Game for the most important things, applying Clear Thinking to maintain certain things What Money Can’t Buy.
I don’t always have self-confidence, but I always believe in Berserahlah, Biarkan Allah Mengurus Hidupmu. May Allah grant me more wisdom, strength, patience, and guidance to navigate life learnings and winnings in this new decade. Amin.
The month of another year getting older always feels bittersweet.
Over the last few years, I have felt like I have a compounding understanding of many things, especially about myself: why I am who I am, why I do what I do, why things happen the way they do, and more.
I finally found some answers to my question from my 20s. I wrote this particular question constantly in my diary when I was dealing with something emotionally draining for a long period of time. I didn’t have any idea how to have a complete closure and move on because such things kept coming back for more.
Such a question is equally draining since you have to wait to get to the answer—until time tells you.
It’s difficult sometimes to distinguish between “Is this a hard thing I’m supposed to work through?” or “Is it hard because it’s the wrong thing and I need to let go?”.
This is a question that applies to many confusion in my 20s.
Fast forward to 20 years later, here I am, after specific experiences and statistics of results, safely said I found the answer : It’s more about the former than the latter.
The wrong one usually will find its exit way much sooner than later. No matter how much you hold on to them, it will slip away.
While the right one will persist and stay, no matter how hard you try to shoo it away, it always finds its way to return.
Most of the time, everything right is unusually hard and tough. Since such thing is destined to be yours, although you’ll never know how long it will be yours, you have to do the work. You have to overcome whatever hardship until it will be safely arrived on your hand.
This perfectly fits the concept of sustenance in Islam. It says that when your heart desires something, Allah gives it to you for some reason. But, you have to do the work to get it, and trust that you’ll get it in the end. When and how, it’s not yours to decide.
The more beautiful thing about this : there’s no such things as NO as an answer. It will be always a YES, with three different situations :
Yes, exactly like you want and you don’t have to wait long for that.
Yes, but you have to wait for a quiet long time.
Yes, not exactly what you want, but it will be replaced with something much better than what you want.
It takes getting older for me to understand this. I watch to see how my prayers and dreams come true one by one. That’s why I call it a privilege to be getting older.
It also makes me realize another thing :
It’s impossible to keep up with all Allah’s blessings, which have been running at an exponential curve while I am still returning them at my slow walking pace in a simple, irregular (more downs than ups) curve.
In the end, doing your best is the only way to go.
Again, it’s stated in one of the most beautiful verse in Quran :
“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss”.
Among the many privileges of getting older that Allah has been lending to me, being a Moslem and being among the true believers (Mu’min), which I hope and keep trying to climb the ladder to be the Muhsin and Muttaqin, is indeed the biggest and the most important privilege that I won’t trade for anything else.
May Allah make it easier for what my heart desires.
Few months ago, I wrote a post with same title here and I just realized that maybe the very same reason could explain why long term married couples broke up.
We have heard many testimonials about how different life is before and after marriage with the same person. Many couldn’t even survive the first five years, no matter how long they’ve been together and have known their partner before the marriage. The gap between reality and expectations might be too much to handle, and separation might be the best answer for both. It makes sense to me.
But, what happened with those who have survived more than ten or twenty years together? I mean, what happened? After all those years together? These couples have survived many life’s ups and downs, trials and turbulence. Like they have come so far from the low bottom to the top of the mountains, so they must be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them, as a well-trained team.
Apparently, it’s not always the case. Along the way, growing apart is also possible. I started understanding that money can’t buy everything (once the money is there). Financial security might be essential, but, it’s not fundamental.
In the Big Four post a few years ago, in achieving anything, to make everything work, money is number one, but its function stops there. You still need the other three things that without those, money alone won’t take you anywhere.
Being on one page and at the same frequency for years doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same throughout the course. Along the way, each other’s vision might change to different directions. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but through little changes that occur gradually until, at a certain point, they are already standing too far from each other to even get back together.
Then, there’s where they part ways.
I had a session with a psychologist yesterday, and she said, “Normally, as we grow old, the circle is getting smaller. And it’s possible that the smaller circle could not only get closer but also further, even with one who’s the closest to us.”
The right person one married to in his/her 20s might be not the right person to survive the marriage in their 40s or 50s.
This is maybe the reason why marriage in Islam is considered ibadah, just like five prayers a day, Zakat, fasting, and Hajj. Ibadah takes hard work, discipline, commitment, self control, emotional regulations, physical and mental health. It’s hard.
Doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj demands our financial, physical, and mental strength. Many things will distract us from doing that, not only the evil outside but also the one inside.
Nothing good comes easy, right? A good life demands a lot of maintenance said one of my readings. So does a good marriage, I guess.
The consequences of neglecting those things are never received in an instant. That’s why many people drift away aimlessly. They won’t feel much difference between doing it or not. Until a certain point, the only way is going down.
The way Allah takes blessings from our life is never once and done. It’s usually done one by one, little by little, and sometimes, it’s not so obvious. What’s taken is not really tangible and measurable, like things or money.
What’s taken is usually the peace felt at heart, at home, more money less tranquillity, the feeling of being sufficient with what you have, the enjoyment and the want of doing salat and other rituals properly, endless busyness that takes you nowhere, the less time spent with those who really matter, the happiness for the little blessing that might seem nothing, but actually, they are everything. Things that no amount of money could bring back, unless you do the work required again.
“Guide us along the Straight Path, the Path of those You have blessed—not those You are displeased with, or those who are astray.”
We read that very line, to be guided on the straight path, 17 times a day in our salat. It’s easier said and done. Because in the reality, any path other than straight one is always easier to choose.
Keeping ourselves on a straight path as an individual requires constant effort, a strong will, and continuous learning. It requires cleaning our lenses regularly so we can see clearly. It requires keeping updating and adjusting our focus to stay on the path. To remind ourselves endlessly what and where the endgame is.
I guess keep staying on a straight path, together in marriage, requires the same thing.
And maybe that’s the only way to avoid growing apart.
September has been the most bittersweet month of the year since five years ago.
No matter how much I bore people with telling, showing, and doing so, I never get tired of repeating it. I could recycle all the memories thousand times over and over again.
It wasn’t merely about moving to one of the most exciting cities in the world. What I truly admired from us five years ago was courage.
We bravely moved without knowing where to stay, thinking renting a house in London would be as easy as renting in Basura: viewed once, deal, paid. It’s hard to believe that I was so naive, thinking that I just had to make a list of properties and then call the agent once we got there to make appointments, only to find none of those agents returned the calls.
We restarted the search from the beginning and only had a week to find permanent rent. Managed to get two viewing appointments, one of which was clearly a no, which left us with the only option we should take.
The opposite of all searching had been done in an unfamiliar area. The process took many sessions of “what?”, “How?”!!, “Really?! ” for days until the agent safely handed the key to our hand on September 12.
We emptied almost all of our savings just to pay the deposit and first month’s rent.We even borrowed money from my brother’s friend who was doing his Phd in England to pay for it first because we couldn’t open a bank account without a permanent address.
We lived the first month without any salaries other than the cash I had in my wallet, yet we still bravely made a trip and spent half of it calling the bank and the hospital about the salary we hadn’t received cause we couldn’t survive longer days without it.
I thought living recklessly could only belong to the 20s, yet,we did it in the middle of our 30s in a stranger land far away from friends and family.
But then, I always trust Allah highly, confidently and completely. There was no way he made us survived all the pre-departure mess for months only to let us failed miserably in reality.
I often record hard days more than the good ones, privately.It’s just like a library of experiences,feelings, that might be useful for the future. Whenever I need some insight in the present about how courageous I can be,I always back to September in 2019.
The view of our home on the first night we moved
PS : This writing came up suddenly after another session of flowing tears rewatching Notting Hill. Not sureit was the PMS talking or I just miss London badly.
PS2: If there is another chance to move there once again in the future, will I take it? Then, my answer will be a big, bold no. That was the adventure of a lifetime once and done. Unless, Allah made that the only option.
Yesterday’s morning walk felt like dipping my feet into something unfamiliar. Instead of going to my usual route, I went to the Parliament.
We have been dealing with so many absurdity done by the leader of this country since last February and many months before. It’s about time we have to stop the silence and being loud online. It’s time for us to truly stand up against the biggest bully of the country. I have done more than enough ranting too. Not only one but many.
Since many many years ago, there hasn’t been any boundaries the he and his family haven’t crossed. The audacity of the children who spent lavishly and showed it shamelessly while the people have been struggling endlessly.
There’s no way we just sat still watching all the regulations he changed as he wish for his own sake.
We deserve better than such incompetent, greedy, and crazy man to lead this country.
This might not mean much to change all the bullshit done by the President and his men, but, it’s good to see at least there’s finally some offline loud screaming from the citizens. No matter what the result, at least we already put some good fight.
To say I joined the protest didn’t feel right, I just cheered from the sidelines while saying loud amin for all the prayers on the boards.
This is just beginning, I hope, for something better than doing nothing and just put up with whatever the greedy old man has on his mind.
An excerpt from James Clear’s newsletter last month felt so relatable :
It took me back to a project in Entrepreneurship subject in the fifth semester of college in 2005. It was one of my most memorable and enjoyable subjects in college.
We had to make a book filled with everything that we wanted to do after graduated. A dream book where we made a list of things that we wanted to achieve, have, or pursue. Anything small or big put it down on the book.
I didn’t know about others, but, I really took that assignment seriously. I truly wrote everything wholeheartedly. I wrote every single thing, big or small, simple to hard ones.
Fast forward, I never knew that this list would be a compass to navigate life for almost 20 years after that. How it turned out is exactly like what the newsletter said above.
I ticked certain things that I wrote. It gave me goosebumps about how certain things really turned out as exactly as I wrote it. Not all dreams can come true, but the journey always matters. The process of achieving these items is where all the learning lies.
Dostoyevsky identifies one of life’s great paradoxes: Happiness requires purpose; purpose requires a sense of direction; a sense of direction requires goal-setting— but happiness cannot be had by realizing those goals. True satisfaction comes from progress in the struggle toward the goal.
I put Going to Hajj as the number one thing I wanted to do after graduation. At that time, I had already registered myself, studying while working four jobs simultaneously. It was tiringly satisfying.
Writing these doesn’t mean you have figured out everything; life is always confusing and challenging, no matter what life stage you are doing.
But writing and clearly defining certain things personally helped me not be easily distracted by/envious of what others achieve or have done because I have my goals, which are different from what others pursue. Writing this book made me look at more of the inside than outside.
The only thing I am constantly worried about is whenever I feel I am too far/too lazy/unfocused from what I want to pursue. I was mostly competitive when it comes to my own goals. I don’t care about anyone else’s.
What I learn, there’s no such thing as flawless winning. You might get a great one in something, but, not so much in another thing. To accept that we can’t get everything in life, that is liberating.
Borrowing from the grading of the OWL exam in Harry Potter, life overall has been exceeds expectations for me. It wasn’t exactly like I imagined, but, I couldn’t think of any better one other than what I have right now.
Being able to look back on things you wrote 20 years ago with a warm heart full of gratitude is one of the joys of growing old.
My 20s had been one of my most treasured periods. The 20s is indeed a defining decade where knowing what you want to pursue is the greatest intangible resource to navigate life. It is a decade where you have to figure out about yourself on your own, which was a very exciting journey indeed. The highs and lows, the win and the learning.
From my personal experience, I can safely say, freedom is the highest return of self awareness. Knowing how priceless freedom is, maintaining it is never easy.
Freedom in your 20s is different than in 30,40, and so one. It means it’s something that you have keep working on. It’s not once and done forever.
Thus, the best thing we can do is to keep figuring out what’s inside, stay vigilant and enjoy the ride.
A Penny for My Pensieve 