Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Long-term Relationships

This morning, something suddenly barged into my mind. It’s quite special so it deserves a blogpost.

This year around this month, I am having a BEP. If you happened to be an economic major student or any similar majors, you must know BEP. It’s Break Even Point. In a simple definition, it’s a condition where a revenue you get is even with the cost you have spent.

In my case, it’s not about the cost. It’s about time. 13 years of piano studying and another 13 years of piano teaching. Thirteen years sounds pretty long, huh? Ah, if we sum up both, then it becomes twenty six years. A bloody 26 years relationship with this piano thing. Sounds even longer, doesn’t it?

Long time ago, I have realized something about a certain thing in my life. I think long-term relationship is my forte. Seems I am destined to that. Either in personal or non-personal, I have mostly been having such a long entanglement.

From simple things like a bag or shoes to a relationship with people, I have years of acquaintance. I have been wearing my Gabor shoes for ten years and still counting. I have been together with my piano for twenty six years, I have been coming to the same exercise class since I was in the second year of high school. So, it’s been around fourteen years. Then, I have been married to a person whom I’ve known and have relationship with for fourteen years.

Being in years of relationship with something or someone, does it mean everything go smoothly? Bien sure que NON!

The sole of my Gabor shoes had been through several repairings. The soles once changed and the leather had once re-sewn, yet it survives until today. It had been countless times when I cried frontally and secretly,  so heavily, asked my mom to let me quit the piano school, yet I kept going. There were times when I had been absent the exercise class, yet I always return.

There were even more and more countless times when we were facing hard times during my relationship with le husband. Any kind of relationship dramas, you mention it, we had it. On-off, bad to the worst break-ups, parents disagreement, long distance, even the marriage was almost cancelled just few weeks before the D-day because of my mum’s sickness. We finally lost her just two weeks before the wedding. In spite of all those hardships, yet we manage to stay together. Langit is the result of a long-time persistence and endurance.

When someone asked how bored it could be being with someone or something for such a long time, or how I survive along those years, here’s an answer.

I have been taught if something is broken, we do repair it or work on it, not change it.

We find solutions, not an exit door, for any problems.

We do our best to stay until the end-term appointed.

Well, no matter how much you love something or someone, in the end, you will part with them, won’t you?

As a child, I am proven to have the strength to endure some hardships. But, as a parent, honestly, I am not really sure if I can do as good as my mum to bear and stand next to my child for her to learn from some hardships. I don’t have much confidence to be as strong as my parents were. But, who knows?

Guess that is all for the morning babbles. Happy 26th piano-niversary, you! Cheers for more years to come!

Posted in Thoughts

A life that We Choose

We have had new Sunday morning routine since last April. Langit has been joining a baby class with nine other babies. It’s actually a class to play and encourage stimulations. It’s quite good so far.

Along the five meetings, I notice that every babies in the class always come with both their mum and dad, or some also come with the nanny. So, some of them come with three companions. The one  who happens to have only an adult companion is mine.

It’s an hour class and babies surely went everywhere from one corner to another. While others were taking turn to chase and guard their babies, I did the job solo. Three out five, I did it alone.

Trust me, chasing a toddler for an hour is similar to a medium to heavy cardio exercise. I have been sweating physically and mentally. Sometimes, I really want to borrow one of those nannies to help, hehe.  Then, mentally sweating more because I feel like most of the time, people probably see me as a single mother.

Another exceptional is about the ride. While others were coming in their four-wheeled engine car, we came in four-wheeled manual stroller. The school is quite close, so it’s not really necessary to go by car. Maybe ten minutes by walk. Beside, Langit enjoys riding on a stroller too, which is something that she rarely has. Ah, our stroller is not a famous branded one. It’s just a simple old stroller we got from one of my uncles.

So, being mostly alone and coming ‘just’ by riding a stroller, people ask me enough with their stare.

Do I (really) care?

Hm, I did and did not. Being different from others can be both good or not that good. Since it’s been several meetings, I don’t really bother about that. People asked sometimes and I just gave them brief answer or smiled.

As long as it doesn’t bother others, I don’t mind being judged for what I have, I choose, and I do. I hope my baby learns that too. We can enjoy just with whatever things that we have. Things will never define the worth of a person.

I am not trying to be humble here. Nor playing modest. I just want to write that it feels good enjoying less comfortable things, less companions, and being noticed for some different things that you do.

Other dads might not have to work on Sunday, while hers (currently) need to. Although her daddy is often absent, one day she will understand, it is for a greater good and a bigger purpose.

In the meantime, let’s enjoy this life that we choose and be grateful for it.

Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

A Rocky Hard Journey

I often heard the phrase being parents is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Back then, I just knew that as a common line. Until recently, then i think the phrase is not really true. Being parents is ABSOLUTELY the most difficult job in the world.

The writer is currently having a very low self-confindence as a mother due to some circumstances. Not much to tell but surely she feels pretty anxious. She really hope her mom were still here to comfort her.

She feels a bit pressured and confused whether she has been doing right or not. She surely makes mistakes, but of course those are not permanent.

Parenting is one rocky hard journey that doesn’t allow you to quit nor having days-leave. You keep climbing no matter how tired you are until you reach the top.

Not applying to this job is advisable when you’re not mature, strong, and ready enough.

It’s like the Mac user motto :
Once you go Mac, you can never go back.

It goes same with this. One way ticket, no return.

Sigh.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

The Seventeenth Month

I didn’t remember being this late writing about Langit’s monthly post. Not because I am quite busy or do not have enough time, but I just have something that is quite disturbing which makes me a bit less spiritful to write.

So, in the beginning, I put a title The Seventeenth Month and Confidence Crisis for the post. But, I decided to take the second one out. Let the post month keep being all about my baby.

As the previous post said, she has been doing good on this month as usual. Alhamdulillah, she has been healthy, funny, and makes me raising my voice whenever she doesn’t chew and swallow her food for few minutes.

She starts joining a baby class every Sunday. I am thinking about writing this in a separate post, later. If I have the mood.

Well, guess I won’t write too much. You keep healthy and happy, little girl!:*

image
Stylish (in pyjama)
image
Sporty
image
Musical
Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Sekolah Musik Yayasan Pendidikan Musik (SM YPM)

I have a debate whether to write this post in Bahasa or English. The title seems telling you this one will be in Bahasa, while you’re currently reading an English post.

I can’t change the title because it’s a name of a place. And, I don’t intend to write any reviews here. You don’t do reviews to a place you called home.

It’s early morning and rainy outside. Last night was one of the sleepless nights I had because my mind was being occupied with something. Suddenly missing this place so much and couldn’t help thinking about this a whole night. Thinking how much I owe this place for so many things in my life.

I spent a continous 13 years in this place from 1990-2003. Attended every single grade, from the lowest to the very highest. Thirteen bloody years without a break. If you count right, it is almost similar time spent from kindergarten to the end of high school. Well, that was the case for me.

It has two branches now, Manggarai and Bintaro. Back then, it was only Manggarai. I went to Manggarai, for sure. It’s not a mere music school. It’s a real school which not only teaches music, but also educates you in every nice possible ways.

I once wrote about piano already. About what I had been going through there. This time, I want to give reasons why this one is worth the money spent for years.

Judging from its look, it might be just an ordinary building. I am talking about Manggarai branch here because this one is where I spent my time. The class was pretty small and only few of it have air-conditioner. The first eight years I learned there were spent in a non-air conditioner one. A standing fan was there for me.

This place is a real school where they have strict regulations about minimum age to enter, minimum points to pass, and an adequate manners for you to continue to the high level. They pushed the students to practice hard and much. They gave bulky of assignments, they gave enough pressure till we could say
the Darwinism was applied here. The one who said that only those who could adapt well, survived. Those who can’t, would be eliminated, or eliminated themselves.

Didn’t they care about losing student? Nope, they didn’t, don’t and never will do. They have an entrance test which is using for selecting students. Not only the students do the test, they give questions too for the parents. Back then, my mom even was directly interviewed. Now, they just give paper questions to the parents.

They consider how serious and how big the potential chance that the child will survive. That’s why they do interview to the parents also. The parents support play a big role for the survival chance.

I had been assigned to four different teachers during those 13 years. Four years with the first one, three years with the second, two years with the third, and another four with the last one. I was directly taught from the famous pianist Rudy Laban on my last four years in high level. May his soul is rest in peace.

To be honest, those thirteen years were not something that I could call enjoyable. As a little kid, my motivation to practice was as shallow as getting stickers on my notebook whenever I played well. More stickers, more better. In the other hand, I wasn’t a brilliant one also. Since the very beginning, piano was not something that I would claim as my best ability.

Then, so why does bother survive for 13 years?

I questioned myself and my mum too in the past. I cried asking my mum to allow me to quit. I couldn’t stand more of the teachers’ scolding in every lesson we had. I was afraid of performing in front of others. I was so weak in solfegio. Unlike school where I had always been in the top class, piano put me in the lower one. I hated being in some position where I had very least advantage. Invisible might be okay, but considered stupid, nah, that was another thing.

But, it wasn’t until few years after graduated, till I realized how those hard years toughen me. How those pressures made me stronger. How those high demand assignments showed me my true limit. Along with those pressures, they gave dedicated teachers beside you. Teachers who was always on time, well-dressed, patient, though they did enough scolding too, but, never, they gave up on their student.

This school has very strong culture. Maybe the strict rules classical music have surely give big influence. The ambience was pleasant, positive, and politeness was definitely everywhere. Once you were in the high level, with the smaller amounts of student, it gave stronger friendship. They compete soo smoothly. Really, I just realize this not long ago. Those who were the top students were sincerely friendly to each other. They were getting along comfortably while in the other hand, I knew for sure they practised so hard to beat each other.

What was more even incredible, those top students were not being proud at all until they were intimidating others. At least, for the lower rank like me, knowing I was just fairly good was enough pressure already. Feeling bullied or intentionally intimidated, never. What happen was, it gave me more courage to practise harder. Although I would never be as good as them, at least I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of others.

What was even more pleasant, high level students tended to know each other despite what level they were in. Seniority wasn’t applicable there. Since it wasn’t a formal school, there were wide range of age differences among students in a level. For example, I was in my senior high when I was in high level, among my friends were junior high or even college students. We called each other by names.

I didn’t have lots of prizes there. Never been in any ranking concerts. I finished the highest grade at the same year I finished high school. When I finally made it, I told myself, so, this is it all? Thirteen years were finally having its end. No more pressures and sleepless nights of practising. I should be happy. But then, what had been those thirteen years actually doing to me other than giving me a piece of certificate stating I graduated the highest level with judisium B?

I found the answers right after I entered college. Those thirteen years started showing me its real impacts in the real life other than music. I saw how it made me slightly different above others. This was nothing about being proud. I signed a contract to be a teacher in one of the famous music school in the first years of college. I was 19.

Being unpopular students during my school years shocked me a bit when I suddenly became ‘quite popular’ during college. More pleasantly, I was known for my abilities first than the look,haha! I was known for one of those student who nailed the English proficiency test and scored enough to get a straight A without having to attend the class, and the one who played piano well enough to be a teacher in a music school, thus I was financially more independent than any others student.

I often felt didn’t believe myself for having so much advantages in my college years. All of those mostly thanks to the thirteen years I had been through in YPM. Hardwork, patience, persistence, the courage to strive the best and never give up no matter how low your position was, falling apart, dissapointments, and then stood up once again, I learned those all from there.

All the job interviews I had, I nailed it thanks to this place. Thirteen years doing music school was surely something for others. None of the interviews I had, left this music talking behind. It impressed those interviewers in whatever kind of job I applied. I even once being interviewed for almost two hours just because talking about the piano course. Even more, the first real talk with le husband also happened because of this.

I always have confidence in doing paper test. But, talking face to face was never be my favorite. Then I finally knew, those thirteen years happened for helping with this.

My dad had to spend some days waiting for me at the music school until midnight during my high level exam practise, or he sent me first at 7 pm then came back to fetch me at 12 am. Yes, 12 am. Either weekdays or weekend. My mum spent almost the whole through years sent me back and forth for my usual schedule.

Now, I spend my days taking care of my father for the past four years after my mum left. Thanks to this place, I am able to be present for my father in his old days, as well as my mother’s last days. The flexibility makes me able to do those things.

Amazing how it touched all things in my life, wasn’t it?

Phew, it’s quite a long story.

It is still raining outside and the traffic must be bad out there. Luckily, I am sitting comfortably at home with my baby. It is not because I have to. It’s more because I choose to. The thirteen years spent on that school allowed me to have the choice I choose right now.

Instead of working a whole day, a whole week in far away places from home, it gave me few hours working time, in some few days to my choices, in the nearest place one could afford. Like, five minutes walking from home, perhaps?

When people said I was so lucky, maybe I am. I was lucky enough to have all the support and chance to survive in that tough jungle.

If maybe there are some parents reading this, shall I suggest you to invest some money in this place when your child wants to learn music? It would be even better to support them all the way until they finish it. The road is surely rocky and bumpy, but the top view is worth all the pain. For a long time. Longer, better, and greater than you can imagine.

My mum once said :

” I am having hard times leaving you behind when we moved to another province outside Java while you were only a junior high school student. I often wondered whether it was worthy enough for a mere piano school. It turned out I did the right thing. It was one of my best decisions I made for you.”

I couldn’t agree more to everything she said. I owe this place for so many best things happened in my life.

I am beyond grateful for such great thirteen years journey and a chance to be once a part of its family.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

On Baby’s Weight and Achievement

The title might sound unrelated, but let see how it goes.

So, I’ve been pretty anxious about the baby’s weight for the last two months. Actually, this weight stuff has been my constant concern since early days. I didn’t know back then that I will keep worrying about this until now.

I once wrote that Langit is more to height than weight. There were several times that I was really working hard to increase her weight. One of them was the last two months. I’ve been checking her weight on manual scale at home but it didn’t show any significant progress. Whenever I put her there, it showed the same spot. Then, after that, I kept increasing her meal portion, snack, in short, any intaked she could have.

Since we had no vaccine schedules for the last two months, so I didn’t do visit at all. Alhamdulillah, Langit has been healthy too. Along these seventeen months, never we visit pediatrician other than  for vaccine schedule. So for the last two months, I really had no idea how the weight was doing and it made me pretty anxious.

I intended to buy digital scale few days ago so we could have the exact number at home without having to visit the hospital. But, then I forgot. Until today, I have been planning this and that all night.

I called Century whether they had the digital device or not and they said they had it. I have checked it online, but I am not really keen on online shopping, so I didn’t buy it. I just needed to know the price. But, when I heard the price that Century had, it was pretty shocking since the number was almost ten times higher. I knew I wasn’t crazy enough to buy such expensive digital scale just because I was afraid to visit hospital.

I went for exercise then unusually went straight home. It was very fortunate that I decided to do grocery shopping yesterday. Arrived home, the baby was still sleeping so I had time to wash, had lunch, and prepare Langit’s too. When I finished those all, the baby woke up.

I still hesitated about the hospital visit until the very last minute. I wasn’t scared about the doctor nor the hospital. They were all very nice. It was the weight result that scared me most.

Anyone can think I am exaggerating. Anyone can think that weight is just a number and there are lots of other more important things than just worrying about weight. I myself  agree about that. I keep talking to myself that she is healthy in spite of her weight. She moves actively, eats well, sleeps well, good motoric skills, and so on. But,I can’t help worrying still.

I can’t ignore the WHO growth development. Whatever my opinion says, the curve won’t lie. It shows the real evidence about how actually the baby is doing in real numbers. Constant weight is something that I should be aware of.

A baby should at least achieve certain increasing number every month. It shows her health status. Whatever evidences I stated above will sound more like denials if I don’t pay attention to this.

Okay, back to the today’s scene. So, I checked on her crib, tidied it up, breastfed her and called the hospital for registration. When it’s done, I changed her clothes then mine, then I booked an online taxi. This online taxi app is such a big help. The hospital was close enough from my home, but I couldn’t drive by myself with the baby. So, this online taxi is really genius idea. It is comfortable, simple with reasonable price.

Arrived at the hospital, surprisingly we got a big number like 13. It was a bit unusual. Went to the first floor and the nurse asked to measure the baby’s weight, height, and head circumstances. My heart was beating fast when the baby stepped on the scale. Remembering exactly a month ago, my heart broke too bad after seeing the number this scale showed before polio vaccine. Remembering how it ruined a whole day and weekend for me.

I really couldn’t believe what I saw when the number stopped changing. Was it real? Really? Cincaaa??

It showed me 700 grams increase since last month!!!

She had polio shot on March 12, today is April 12. It is exactly a month. Above one year, a baby is expected to gain 200-250 grams per month ideally. We had 700 grams! Wohooooo!!

The time when I saw the new number, it felt like a really big burden lifted from my heart. It felt like every single thing that I have done was nicely paid. And, to be assured that this scale at our home is obviously broken.

——————————

Never once I thought before that such simple thing can feel like a biggest achievement. Never thought before I could be this happy with just a mere 700 grams of a person weight. Feels like I have accomplished something so great. Whatever people say, this thing matters for me. Maybe some part of motherhood is about being happy about whatever your baby achieves. No matter how small it is.

I have been taking care the baby alone most of the time. From the time she wakes up until the very moment she asleeps. I prepared every single meals, snacks, feeding her for hours, clean everything after that, playing and doing things with her, all without any other human being help daily. So, I won’t be too ashamed to claim and say : this is my achievement. No one shall take credits for this.

I hope we will continue doing well and I won’t let myself loosen tou.much after this.

Ah, I also found out my review about the hospital on this blog was displayed nicely there.

image
So happy to see this.

Today deserves a big shout of Alhamdulillah to thank everything happened. ALHAMDULILLAH!

Thank you for that bloody 700 grams which made my day.

Posted in Favorite things, Thoughts

Puasa Sunnah, Menyusui, dan Olahraga

Hm, seperti biasa, kalo mau nulis dalam bahasa Indonesia, yang paling pertama dilakukan adalah ketik hapus ketik hapus. Susah cari kalimat pertama yang pas. Sedangkan kalo versi Inggrisnya bisa kebayang beberapa kalimat. Aneh tapi nyata.

Ini bukan review, tapi kenapa dalam bahasa Indonesia? Semua tulisan saya yang dalam bahasa Indonesia itu karena satu hal : Pernah pengen tau (banget) tapi ngga ketemu. Makanya kenapa nulis review tentang melahirkan di Sam Marie, DSAnya, dan beberapa review lain.

Sama seperti orang lain, saya juga sering cari tau tentang hal yang mau saya pilih atau jalankan. Kalo seandainya sudah ada dan banyak, saya ngga merasa perlu untuk nulis, seperti resep MPASI, hehe. Semua review yang saya tulis jelas karena saya ngga ketemu satupun yang cerita tentang hal tersebut.

Sama halnya dengan judul di atas. Saya pernah obrak-abrik google dengan berbagai kata kunci tentang ibu menyusui yang tetap puasa sunnah, dan ditambah lagi juga olahraga. Mau tau seberapa besar pengaruh puasa dan olahraga, dimana yang satu tidak mengkonsumsi energi sedangkan yang lainnya mengeluarkan energi yang lumayan, terhadap proses menyusui. Kenapa puasa sunnah?

Tentang puasa Ramadhan jelas sudah banyak dibahas. Haditsnya pun ada. Bahwa ibu hamil dan menyusui memiliki keringanan untuk tidak berpuasa dan menggantinya dengan membayar fidyah. Tapi, banyak orang yang lupa, sepemahaman saya, dari belajar ngaji, untuk ibu hamil dan menyusui itu juga harus mengganti puasa Ramadhannya karena sifatnya wajib dan pada dasarnya mereka bukan orang tua yang lemah. Cuma, kayanya banyak yang beranggapan bahwa dengan bayar fidyah, hutang lunas. Tapi lagi, mungkin bisa jadi saya yang salah.

Tahun 2014, bulan Ramadhan jatuh di bulan Juli dan pada saat itu saya hamil lima bulan. Itu awal pertama saya cari-cari tentang puasa dan hamil. Ternyata cukup banyak yang bisa, tapi umumnya banyak yang menyarankan untuk tidak kalau masih trimester pertama karena biasanya ada mual, dan hal lain.

Alhamdulillah, saya pada saat itu ada di trimester dua, yang memang benar paling nyaman. Makan enak, badan belum bengkak, tidur masih nyenyak, kerja juga masih enak, bisa nyetir kemana2 sendiri dengan nyaman karena perut belum bersinggungan dengan setir. Pokoknya nyaman deh.

Dengan berbekal rasa nyaman itu, akhirnya saya mutusin bismillah puasa. Hasilnya? Alhamdulillah 30 hari tanpa bolong. Ngga bilang gampang juga sih, tapi jauh dari susah. Seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, keluarga saya cuma break sehari. Setelah itu langsung lanjut puasa Syawal, kalo ngga punya hutang. Oya, mungkin ada yang ikut pendapat puasa Syawal boleh duluan biarpun punya hutang puasa Ramadhan karena Syawal cuma bisa sebulan sedangkan ganti puasa Ramadhan bisa sepanjang tahun sampai Ramadhan berikutnya.

Keluarga saya dan beberapa ustad yang saya ikuti ngga sepakat dengan yang di atas. Bereskan dulu hutang yang wajib baru mulai yang sunnah. Jadi, kalau pas punya hutang, saya akan bayar hutang dulu baru puasa Syawal, yang berarti semua dilakukan di bulan Syawal.

Bisa menyelesaikan puasa Ramadhan 30 hari dalam keadaan hamil buat saya pengen lanjut ke puasa Syawal, seperti biasa. Alhamdulillah lagi, enam hari, tidak berturut-turut, selesai. Oya, sebelumnya, selama hamil saya juga tetap puasa sunnah senin kamis.

Pada akhirnya, kita harus juga tahu kapan harus berhenti. Ketika saya keluar flek di enam bulan kehamilan, saya memutuskan untuk berhenti dulu puasa senin-kamis.

Rencananya, setelah nifas selesai, saya berniat untuk memulai kembali puasa sunnah. Supaya ngga terlalu lama absen. Mulai kembali itu ngga mudah. Apalagi bukan wajib. Semakin lama absen, akan makin sulit untuk mulai lagi.

Tapi, yah, rencana tinggal rencana. Kenyataannya, saya dihadapkan sama berbagai hal yang menghalangi rencana tersebut. Dimulai dari Mbak Wi yang tiba-tiba keluar, ganti asisten baru, yang sangat berpengaruh bukan cuma ke saya tapi juga ke Langit yang berat badannya naik ngga sesuai chart. Ditambah Pak Dokter yang waktu itu harus dinas luar sebulan, dan masih banyak hal lain yang sudah saya tulis di post Ini. Saat itu akhirnya saya memutuskan buat mulai puasa lagi setelah Langit selesai ASIX.

Olahraga punya cerita lain. Sejak SMA saya biasa ikut kelas aerobik dan Body Language di salah satu tempat khusus perempuan. Awalnya diajak ibu dan lama-lama jadi suka banget karena selalu ngerasa happy abis olahraga. Biarpun cuma sejam, tapi buat saya sangat menyenangkan. Salah satu obat patah hati yang cukup manjur juga waktu masih ngga jelas sama pak dokter.
*lho?kok jadi curhat.

Biarpun sempat berenti mulai berenti mulai, tapi selalu balik kesana buat olahraga karena ngerasa paling cocok sama kelas ini. Saya ngga suka olahraga luar kaya lari, atau tempat yang rame kaya gym. Setelah nikah, sempet berhenti sebentar lalu mulai lagi, sampe akhirnya saya tahu kalo saya hamil. Awal-awal hamil masih olahraga. Makin gede, akhirnya berentin dulu.

Kalo puasa saya putusin untuk ditunda, olahraga tidak. Dua bulan abis melahirkan saya balik ke kelas lagi, seminggu sekali karena cuma itu waktu yang mungkin. Pertama kali masuk kelas lagi, agak horor liat badan yang kaya ikan paus. Celana olahraga yang biasa ngga muat. Duhh, seremmm. Ngga nyaman banget liatnya. Pengen nambah hari, tapi ngga memungkinkan. Sedangkan menyusui sangat bikin laper. Jadi, yah, seminggu sekali itu udah maksimal yang saya bisa usahain.
Ramadhan 2015 itu jatoh di awal Juli. Saya sudah mutusin puasa juga karena Langit sudah mulai MPASI biarpun masih awal. Saya pikir, hamil aja bisa 30 hari, insya Allah yang ini ngga akan lebih berat. Di Ramadhan ini juga saya break olahraga.

Ternyata, saya salah. Puasa sambil menyusui dan ngurus bayi sendiri  yang udah mulai makan itu jauhhh lebih berat. Di atas jam 12, saya sudah setengah kehausan sekali, dan waktu maghrib energi hampir ngga ada sisa. Karena Langit menyusui langsung secara intens, rasanya kalo udah di atas jam 12 jadi agak takut sendiri. Langitnya pun beneran agak rewel. ASI nya tetap keluar tapi mungkin ngga sederas biasa. Sempat kepikiran untuk batal, tapi saya ngga yakin. Bukan tega sama anak, atau egois, tapi saya ngerasa itu bukan solusi.

Alhamdulillah, saya dikasih break seminggu karena mens. Itu pertama kalinya saya mens lagi setelah melahirkan. Jadi, selama saya menyusui ASI eksklusif saya ngga mens sama sekali. Biasanya, saya agak sedih kalo mens pas Ramadhan, tapi ini saya agak bersyukur. Selesai Ramadhan, biasanya langsung Syawal. Tapi, karena punya hutang, jadi bayar hutang dulu bareng yang lain puasa Syawal.

Kalo di Ramadhan saya bilang puasa sambil menyusui itu cukup berat, bayar puasa wajib setelah Ramadhan itu ternyata jauhhh lebih berat. Mungkin bukan sekedar nyusuinnya ya, tapi karena Langit juga udah mulai makan yang mana persiapan makan, makannya sendiri, sangat menguras energi. Apalagi sehari tiga kali. Biasanya.saya nafsu banget nyelesain hutang puasa sesegera mungkin. Kali itu, abis sehari bayar saya langsung mutusin berenti dulu.

Ketika Syawal sudah setengah bulan, hutang saya masih tiga. Akhirnya saya milih untuk ikhlasin puasa Syawal tahun lalu setelah bertaun-taun ngga absen. Saya merasa ngga mampu nyelesain sembilan hari puasa dalam lima belas hari. Sedih.

Lebih sedih lagi, setelah Langit mulai makan, saya ngga bisa ikut kelas olahraga lagi. Ngga seperti gym yang kita bisa datang kapan saja, kelas yang saya ikuti ini punya jadwal tetap. Senin-sabtu pagi jam 08.00-09.00 dan sore jam 18.30-19.30. Hanya itu. Saya ngga mungkin ikut kelas sore karena ada maghrib. Kenapa pagi ngga bisa? Karena makan itu sangat mengkonsumsi waktu. Apalagi masih awal. Saya ngga bisa ngejar jam delapan semua sudah beres.

Saya hanya bisa pergi kalo Langit sudah rapi dan tidur. Karena ngga ada yang bantu ngurus. Kalo dia tidur, saya bisa titip ART yang pulang pergi sebentar. Dari bulan juni, saya resmi resign lagi dari kelas olahraga. Akibatnya, berat saya balik kaya abis melahirkan sebelum olahraga. Balik kaya paus. Nafsu makan pun sangat menggila.

Waktu Langit mendekati setahun, saya mulai gerah. Gerah liat badan, gerah tiap pake celana kok sempit banget bahkan harus beli baru dengan ukuran yang lebih besar. Lingkar pinggang sih ngga gede, tapi paha sama bokongnya ngga bisa nafas. Tiap ngaca juga pengen nangis liatnya.

Saya berniat, begitu Langit setahun, saya akan balik puasa senin- kamis. Olahraga masih ngga ngerti gimana biar bisa keburu. Tapi, yang jelas, puasa harus mulai. Apalagi hutang masih tiga. Belum pernah saya bayar hutang puasa nunda selama itu.

Ternyata, niat aja ngga cukup. Hati musti keras juga. Lewat dua tujuh November, saya tetap belum mulai puasa. Ada aja alesannya yang dibuat. Biarpun hati juga udah mulai terganggu. Mulai sering nyindir, ‘mana?katanya mau puasa?’ Payah ya, hehe.

Saya inget waktu itu ada libur di hari kamis merah, dan rabu malemnya saya niat besok ikut sahur. Bayar. Harus. Udah ngga boleh ditunda lagi. Dan, Alhamdulillah terlaksana. Leganya bukan main. Langkah pertama emang selalu paling berat. Setelah itu saya lunas hutang tiga hari, dan terus bisa lanjut puasa senin kamis sampai sekarang.

Di satu hari bulan desember tahun lalu, saya inget hari selasa, Langit sudah beres makan mandi berjemur dan tidur di jam 07.50. Ketika itu, dengan impulsifnya saya langsung buru-buru ganti baju dan siap-siap berangkat. Kemana? Olahraga. Biarpun tinggal 10 menit sebelum kelas mulai dan tau saya akan terlambat, saya tetap pergi.

Kadang-kadang, keputusan yang baik bisa jadi muncul dari suatu keadaan yang tidak terencana. Sama halnya dengan ini. Hari pertama saya balik ke kelas, senangnga bukan main. Setelah absen enam bulan, saya kangen banget. Pulang ke rumah, kata Mbak Wi, Langit ngga bangun sama sekali.

Di minggu yang sama, hari Jumat saya coba lagi peruntungan saya. Ternyata berhasil lagi. Bahkan saya ikut sejam penuh. Dari sini, saya mulai agak ‘serakah’. Saya pengen untuk seterusnya bisa.seminggu dua kali olahraga.

Tapi, saya ngga mau kalo olahraga buat saya ninggalin Langit gitu aja. Saya mau olahraga dengan tenang dan ngga bebanin orang lain. Akhirnya saya pelajari, Langit bisa tidur ketika sudah kenyang dan cukup cape. Satu lagi, waktu bangun paginya harus lebih awal, supaya dia sudah tidur lagi sebelum jam delapan.

Alhamdulillah sekali, bayi ini sangat pengertian. Dia seakan tau kalo saya mau olahraga. Hampir tiap selasa dan jumat dia bangun sebelum subuh. Untuk bisa keburu jam delapan ikut kelas, Langit harus mulai makan jam lima. Maksimal lima lewat sepuluh. Kok jauh banget? Iya, karena ritual sarapan dia panjang. Pertama, jus. Lalu nasi dan lauk. Selesai itu mandi sambil main di bak. Setelah itu main sebentar di teras sambil makan roti, lalu minum susu UHT 100ml, dan terakhir nyusu sampe tidur.

Saya ngga mau menghilangkan salah satu tahapan itu. Jadi, komprominya ya mulai lebih pagi. Saya ngga keberatan bangun lebih pagi lagi, selama saya bisa olahraga. Alhamdulillah, sampai sekarang, saya hampir ngga pernah absen seminggu dua kali.

Hari ini adalah Jumat tanggal merah karena Jumat agung. Saya.sudah galau dari awal bulan. Merasa sangat rugi sekali  karena Selasa dan Jumat hari saya olahraga. Tempat senam tutup di tanggal merah. Makin dekat hari ini makin ngga rela kalo cuma dapat sekali. Pilihannya tinggal rabu atau kamis. Dua-duanya ngga menguntungkan. Rabu saya kerja siang, kamis puasa. Biarpun hanya sejam, abis senam itu cukup cape dan ngantuk. Belum masih urus Langit lalu kerja sampe sore.

Rabu kemarin ternyata bukan rejeki saya. Hari selasanya internet rumah down yang buat saya makin cranky. Sibuk nelpon 147 berkali-kali. Minta supaya petugas segera dateng. Rabu paginya udah nelponin dari jam lima pagi. Dan, kebetulan Langit bangunnya juga ngga pas buat saya maksain olahraga. Alhamdulillah rabunya petugas dateng dan internetnya kembali lagi sebelum saya berangkat kerja.

Kamis pagi saya setengah niatin mau usahain senam. Langit bangun pas subuh. Agak telat kalo standar waktu yang biasa. Dia baru mulai makan jam 5.30 yang mana beda 20 menit itu sangat jauhh. Tapi, saya tetap niatin mau senam. Oya, saya juga tetap puasa.

Semakin dekat jam tujuh, saya makin liat kemungkinan untuk bisa senam. Makin besar juga kepengen saya. Udah setengah jalan, kalau sampe ngga jadi, kemungkinan saya agak kesel sendiri nantinya. Satu hal yang agak bikin ragu adalah, bisa ngga.ya ini puasa juga, nyusuin masih, dan satu lagi, kamis ini instrukturnya kelas berat. Makanya yang ikut banyakan yang masih muda dibanding ibu-ibu.

Jam 7.40 Langit tidur dan saya langsung siap-siap. Dan, sampe di sana tepat waktu. Ternyata, bisa ikut penuh. Saya skip satu part yang bagian dance karena ngga gitu suka. Lainnya, semua saya ikut sambil menyesuaikan diri juga.

Sisa hari yang saya jalanin sambil tetap puasa, dengan frekuensi menyusui yang biasa, ternyata cukup bisa dijalanin. Saya pun sekaligus mau tes untuk nanti Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, kemarin saya sukses olahraga, menyusui, dan puasa sekaligus.

Kesimpulan?

Tiga hal judul di atas memungkinkan dilakukan bersamaan dengan berbagai kondisi yang bisa disesuaikan. Seperti misalnya, mau olahraga tapi tetap puasa, harus tau diri juga, jangan terlalu diforsir seperti pada saat ngga puasa. Sudah tau makanin ngga mudah, siapkan makanan yang gampang atau yang bayinya suka jadi ngga terlalu terbebani. Sudah tau ngga ada  yang bantu nyiapin ini itu ya diatur dengan baik supaya kerjaan ngga numpuk dekat waktu buka.

Satu hal yang paling jelas, niat adalah setengah porsi yang membuat segala hal jadi mungkin. Sisanya adalah seberapa besar usaha kita supaya genap menjadi kenyataan.

Selain itu, kalau dipikir, toh ketiganya semua ibadah bukan? Puasa, jelas. Menyusui, jelas juga. Olahraga sekalipun mungkin ngga selevel sama puasa atau menyusui, sehat itu sebagian iman kata hadits. Saya selalu percaya, niat baik dan ibadah itu pasti Allah bantu, tergantung seberapa besar keinginan kita untuk itu.

Ketika langkah pertama sudah diambil dan berhasil, langkah selanjutnya akan jauh lebih ringan (dan dimudahka).

Selamat dicoba!

Selamat libur panjang buat yang merayakan. Saya ngga. Besok kerja, pak dokter jaga sampe hari minggu

Oke, bayi sudah bangun dan ini sudah siang sekali. Semoga hari ini menyenangkan ya!

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité

The Sixteenth Month

It’s quite unusual I am a bit late to write the monthly post about Langit. Life happens busily and sometimes I am running out of breath to catch all up.

Don’t give any serious meaning to ‘ Life happens’ phrase. Because mostly, it’s about the baby who is getting faster and smarter in ruining and messing up the house or the current on-going dramas are really good until I have a bit long queue. So, juggling between the house chores, baby stuffs, works, and watching dramas, that is what I call ‘life happens’.

Well, Langit is going faster and faster in almost everything except two. Talking and eating. She is currently still babbling unclearly. Although her babbles vocabularies are really improving, but still it has no meaning. A good thing here is her communication skill is pretty good which means she understands instruction and able to imitate actions.

We are thinking to consult the doctor about this. We also asked for others’ opinion or read articles. Mostly, people suggested us to wait since she is only 16 months and told us to be more often talking to her. Well, then, let see.

She is now able to understand to put her dirty laundry to the basket after eating, know how to undressed her pants, able to rearrange the big-small donuts toys, although the order is still often wrong. She understands after drinking from her glass, the lid should be put back on. She is getting faster going up and down through stairs. One thing she is also good at is making a mess in a blink of an eye.

We have registered in a baby class starts in April insya Allah. It is once a week class for an hour. Actually, this kind of class is more for the parents than the baby. Being with her almost all the time show me that we parents really have so much to learn yet so little knowledge.

I know it is impossible to know everything, and to apply everything in the baby’s life. But, how do we know what to apply if we don’t know anything? The more knowledge we have, the more choices we know, and the more likely we can do and choose the most suitable ones for us. Hopefully the class is enjoyable and fun.

Well, that’s all for now. Happy sixteen months, baby! Always, keep healthy and happy.

image
Going down the stairs
image
Eating style
Posted in Maternité, Thoughts

(Not) Ready for Another Challenge

Life tends to be boring when we are staying too long in the comfort zone. Thus, we always need something new or, for some other things, renewed. As long as we breathe, it’s good to have something that make us feel alive.

Few days ago, little sister came up with pretty shocking yet exciting news. She is going to have another baby in the next few months insya Allah. For someone who just had a c-section for less than a year, she is surely brave. Brave in every way I could think of. But, knowing it is my sister, it is actually not really surprising.

My sister is everything that is totally my opposite. She is one of the most easy going persons I have known. She is truly the one who lives for today. While I am always the one with the long term.plan, she is the one with impulsive plans and flexible preferences. I once said that she enjoys life much more than I do. At least, I do see her like that.

If I almost stay all the time with the baby, except when I am working for few hours, three times a week, she is working full time from Monday-Friday, morning till evening. She has a house helper and a nanny to help her with the chores and babysit the baby. If others are even so hard to find a good one, she has two. Both are very good and kind. Thank God for this one, at least I have a part time house helper who have been with us for almost 20 years. Although I have no one to help me with Langit and the rest of house chores after the helper goes home, for now, it’s been enough.

About pregnancy, my sister had once an easy pregnancy, visited the obgyn happily every month, and even more, she didn’t seem like the one who had been pregnant. She stayed or at least looked as slender as before. Three things that I wasn’t lucky enough to have.

I obviously didn’t have an easy pregnancy. I had blooding once and been hospitalized, I had high d-dimer which made me had to bear the injection for some time, and I was surely anxious everytime I had obgyn’s appointment. Then, after delivery and breastfeeding, unlike most people, I lost weight too slowly.

About breastfeeding, it went the same too. I had been struggling with breastfeeding in the first two months and it had an impact to Langit’s weight. Had been working so hard to boost my breast-milk supply so Langit would survive without any other liquid and catched up her weight deficiency.

Au contraire de moi, my sister’s breastfeeding journey has been more smooth. Comparing the first time of breastfeeding, three hours pumping, I only could have 50 ml, while my sister got a full bottle of milk in less than thirty minutes. Full and bold. The first three months, my niece had almost three kilos more weight. She even once had 1,1 kg in a month.

If I list all the differences between us, it will be a very long and endless list. The point here is about her current state which is something that I have been asking questions myself for some time.

Taking care Langit alone for one and half years makes me think thousand times to have another baby. My days are surely not that hard since I still have time to watch korean drama daily, going exercise twice a week, and even working. But, it is also pretty far from easy.

If I remember how tense the days when I have exercise class or morning working time, it gives me a strong loud and clear voice to scream : this is crazy. Running here and there, doing this and that, just to make sure I haven’t left anything undone so I can leave peacefully. Since I have a lot to be taken care of, while the help is almost unavailable, the only thing I can do is being strict about schedule. It helps a lot so I still can breathe normally.

I can’t make it easier because I am someone who doesn’t let go easily. It means, I won’t use my exercise time as an excuse to cut some of Langit’s breakfast rituals or any of my religious rituals like sunnah prayer or qur’an tilawah. It’s nothing about showing off, but I always think if I want more good things on my hand, I have to use my brain to keep the old good things going.

I use that logic about the idea of having another baby. You don’t get rid the first one when you want to have another one, right? If I want  another one, I have to make sure the first one will be as well as before the second one comes. I can’t stand the thought of neglecting my first because I am busy with the second.

Spending time daily with Langit opens my eyes about how much things the baby needs to learn and mothering is surely one tough job. That is why I choose to be a part time teacher. Because I have signed up for a full time position as a mother, of one. I don’t feel I will be doing good to add more title to my jobs, for now.

Knowing that my sister is currently on the way to be a mother of two insya Allah, shaken me up, a little bit. Maybe this is the first time she goes through something earlier than I do. Feeling competitive? Maybe yes. She is younger yet she is courageous enough to face another new challenge.

One of my biggest fear is about the ticking clock. I am not getting any younger, and who knows for how much longer I can stay by my daughter side. Maybe I think too much, worry a lot, or plan too detailed until I let time just pass me by and left me without any progress. Then, without I realize, there comes the time when I will regret about thinking too much instead of executing, and I can’t go back. At all.

This thing will surely keep haunting me in the near future. But for now, I choose to play along with the questions until my heart says the decision. I don’t know when, but it’s pretty sure, the whole parts of my body and mind are surely not ready for another challenge in my life. More, I think we as a family, also are not ready for another new member. In every aspects. That’s a very strong and valid reason to say no.

Well, then let’s keep rolling until we hit the right time!

Posted in Thoughts

About Father

“A father is the first man you’ll know, the first one you’ll love. You have a good one and he’ll forever be the standard against which you will compare with very other man you will ever meet. You get a not so good one and you’ll find urself always either searching for what he never gave u, or running away from the memory of him.”
– A Leap of Faith (dimsumofallthings)

I obviously don’t talk about my father as much as my mother. Maybe because I was close to my mother more than to my father. The past relationship with my father was not as good as the one with my mom. I often felt that I was his least favorite from three of us. I remembered having some disagreements with him. Like my decision to become a teacher after graduate or took a master degree in education. I was always team mama than team papa.

Apart from those things, I really like him as a man. He is clever, handsome, goals oriented, detailed, compassionate, and hardworking. He was once a father we were afraid of during our childhood. But, as we were growing up he became very much softer.

My best relationship with him started since my mother went. Even better after my sister married and left home. Took care my mum during her last days intensely made me grew fonder of him. Thinking that he also deserves the best ones I did to my mom.

If someone asked one thing I want to follow from him is about financial. Since few years ago, I have set my long-term financial goal. I want to be as rich as him.

He doesn’t own any companies, nor lots of properties, nor blue chips stocks, nor the high position in government institutions. But, he is financially settled until the point of never ever he refuses even once, as far as I know, whenever someone asked his help for money. Whoever they are.

He just gave them easily. More admiringly, he even doesn’t bother to remember how much he has lent to them. Do you think it’s one or two millions? Nope. He once gave (lent) several of my mum relatives hundred millions to build up houses few years ago. Until today, he hasn’t received any single penny of return. Does he care? Not really.

Although he is retired now, he is still be able to travel here and there, goes to a lot of places, stays in good hotels, enjoys lots of good food. In short, giving a lot doesn’t stop him from enjoying the best thing money can do. He has prepared well for retirement and enough savings for it. I know for sure, he doesn’t have much worry for money for the rest of his life. I want to live like that.

I am lucky enough to be one who has been taking care of him for few these years back. Taking care of your parents in their old age is not a responsibility. It’s very much an honour.

Well, Happy Birthday, Papa! I wish you health and all the best thing for the rest of your life. I might seem not giving you much credits here, but, you won’t know how much grateful I have been to be born as your daughter. Thank your for your best effort raising three of us, providing all the best thing a child needs.

But,please, can you just stop eating durian too much so you can stop whining of having high blood pressure? Is it even corelated? I don’t know. But still, just stop it.

With much love,

Your fussy daughter.