Author: arlanadya

Everyone must have certain limit that they set for themselves about something or other people.

Is it confusing?

I am not in a very clear mind while writing this too. Let’s restart.

I, am someone, who prefers being misunderstood than busy explaining the truth.

I, am someone, as I wrote before, who prefers being JOMO than FOMO, in many things in life.

I love being invisible and live life free of drama.

I have a very tiny circle of friend that mostly last more than 20 years.

I am very private and selective about the people I allow to enter my area of life.

For me, my peace of mind is ultimate priority. I will do almost everything to be traded with peace of mind.

I rarely seek any validation, approval, or anything much from human.

My chance to be hurt by other people is too low.

While I seem so cold and distant to other people, I think I am the most kind to that tiny circle of mine.

While I am saying no very often to those outside the circle, I would say yes to almost everything for that circle.

I am a cold blood introvert to the bone, but, I am a loud extrovert to that circle.

I am not only talking about friends but also families.

As the price of being so selective, I could only be hurt by those whom I trust and care the most.

When that happened, the damage would be much much bigger than any ordinary damages.

These past few days, I learnt, no matter how selective I have been, there’s always a room for misjudgement as I am human too.

The hell I have been dealing with inside not only ruins the mood but it can burn the strongest bridge.

Theoritically , I know how untrustworthy human can be, but, to be betrayed by your closest friends or family, that is another level of crazy.

I have several first hand of experiences, but, it never gets easier everytime.

I remember one of the quotes from Shoe Dog, I really certain it is there, but, I couldn’t find it in my bookmarked list. It says like this :

« love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting they won’t use it. »

It’s time to reassess again.

It’s time to exercise the principle below :

Apology (might be) accepted, Access denied.

Yesterday’s morning walk felt like dipping my feet into something unfamiliar. Instead of going to my usual route, I went to the Parliament.

We have been dealing with so many absurdity done by the leader of this country since last February and many months before. It’s about time we have to stop the silence and being loud online. It’s time for us to truly stand up against the biggest bully of the country. I have done more than enough ranting too. Not only one but many.

Since many many years ago, there hasn’t been any boundaries the he and his family haven’t crossed. The audacity of the children who spent lavishly and showed it shamelessly while the people have been struggling endlessly.

There’s no way we just sat still watching all the regulations he changed as he wish for his own sake.

We deserve better than such incompetent, greedy, and crazy man to lead this country.

This might not mean much to change all the bullshit done by the President and his men, but, it’s good to see at least there’s finally some offline loud screaming from the citizens. No matter what the result, at least we already put some good fight.

To say I joined the protest didn’t feel right, I just cheered from the sidelines while saying loud amin for all the prayers on the boards.

This is just beginning, I hope, for something better than doing nothing and just put up with whatever the greedy old man has on his mind.

May Allah be with us.

An excerpt from James Clear’s newsletter last month felt so relatable :

It took me back to a project in Entrepreneurship subject in the fifth semester of college in 2005. It was one of my most memorable and enjoyable subjects in college.

We had to make a book filled with everything that we wanted to do after graduated. A dream book where we made a list of things that we wanted to achieve, have, or pursue. Anything small or big put it down on the book.

I didn’t know about others, but, I really took that assignment seriously. I truly wrote everything wholeheartedly. I wrote every single thing, big or small, simple to hard ones.

Fast forward, I never knew that this list would be a compass to navigate life for almost 20 years after that. How it turned out is exactly like what the newsletter said above.

I ticked certain things that I wrote. It gave me goosebumps about how certain things really turned out as exactly as I wrote it. Not all dreams can come true, but the journey always matters. The process of achieving these items is where all the learning lies.

Dostoyevsky identifies one of life’s great paradoxes: Happiness requires purpose; purpose requires a sense of direction; a sense of direction requires goal-setting— but happiness cannot be had by realizing those goals. True satisfaction comes from progress in the struggle toward the goal.

I put Going to Hajj as the number one thing I wanted to do after graduation. At that time, I had already registered myself, studying while working four jobs simultaneously. It was tiringly satisfying.

Writing these doesn’t mean you have figured out everything; life is always confusing and challenging, no matter what life stage you are doing.

But writing and clearly defining certain things personally helped me not be easily distracted by/envious of what others achieve or have done because I have my goals, which are different from what others pursue. Writing this book made me look at more of the inside than outside.

The only thing I am constantly worried about is whenever I feel I am too far/too lazy/unfocused from what I want to pursue. I was mostly competitive when it comes to my own goals. I don’t care about anyone else’s.

What I learn, there’s no such thing as flawless winning. You might get a great one in something, but, not so much in another thing. To accept that we can’t get everything in life, that is liberating.

Borrowing from the grading of the OWL exam in Harry Potter, life overall has been exceeds expectations for me. It wasn’t exactly like I imagined, but, I couldn’t think of any better one other than what I have right now.

Being able to look back on things you wrote 20 years ago with a warm heart full of gratitude is one of the joys of growing old.

My 20s had been one of my most treasured periods. The 20s is indeed a defining decade where knowing what you want to pursue is the greatest intangible resource to navigate life. It is a decade where you have to figure out about yourself on your own, which was a very exciting journey indeed. The highs and lows, the win and the learning.

From my personal experience, I can safely say, freedom is the highest return of self awareness. Knowing how priceless freedom is, maintaining it is never easy.

Freedom in your 20s is different than in 30,40, and so one. It means it’s something that you have keep working on. It’s not once and done forever.

Thus, the best thing we can do is to keep figuring out what’s inside, stay vigilant and enjoy the ride.

Have you ever met people, although it was only once, but the impact lasted longer than the brief meeting?

Met this old couple many many years ago. They were relatives to my late mother. Never heard of their name, only visited them once and all and didn’t really remember for what reason.

This husband and wife lived modestly, their house was cramped and a bit dark. They had no child, but, they dedicated themselves to take care the kids who were trying to heal from drugs. They lived in Kampung Ambon, an area where it was famous for drugs user. What they did was taking care of those children, brought them to a mosque where he became a chairman, and tried their best to make life better for the kids.

I have never seen ones who have so little yet seem so peaceful.

The last news I had many years ago, the husband passed away on his wife’s lap while listening to Quran the wife read.

The visit to their small home was only around an hour. But, I still remembered the exact word and expression the husband said to everyone.

“The key to a good, strong, and happy marriage is TRUE,”. He said it in Bahasa Indonesia.

He raised his old wrinkled hand and showed four fingers, then closed it one by one,

“Trust. Respect. Understanding. Empathy, It should be in that order”.

He said those in a proper English accent.

His wisdom, the meeting on that day, lived rent free in my mind since then.

Something had been disturbing inside for a while and it’s hard to ignore it.

There’s a quote said if you have been friends for more than certain years, the bond will be unbreakable. From what happened recently, I beg to differ.

The bond might still be there but, it no longer serves the same feeling like before.

Some people with whom you entered the first stage of adulthood together, shared so much secrets, tears , and laughters, at certain point, they’re no longer ones with whom you can share those stuffs.

I couldn’t believe how uncomfortable I was during a short meeting with someone whom once was really close to me. We could still talk but, there are many little things that I could no longer relate. Things that didn’t feel right to me seemed to be not a big deal for her. I felt like I haven’t changed and point the finger to her instead.

But then, I realized. Changes happened to both parties.

It’s impossible to stay the same for many years since we graduated from college. Yet, the present version is not something that I could really feel an instant click anymore. It was hard to believe I was really looking forward to the end of the rendezvous.

It’s hard to explain what makes it hard to enjoy the convo and the company. Is it because we don’t share the same season of life?

I realised that many of her views and decisions don’t suit mine. Or no longer do. Although we have talked about certain things over and over, it still doesn’t change the way she deals with problems, which I found quite confusing. But then, who am I to judge? I also come to an understanding that I don’t know much about her life anymore.

Maybe this is what we call growing apart?