Category: Life happens

This year’s noise has been among the most overwhelming. All in personal, national, and global levels. It feels like having overstimulation inside out.

The brain seems to have taken on too many duties and is unable to stop processing a wide range of circumstances that occur in sequence or simultaneously throughout the year.

Keep trying to make sense of things that happened beyond my shallow comprehension. Try to rationalize the behavior that I thought was impossible to perform by a supposed decent human being.

In another lane, witnessing how a 20-year difference can really pass by, and how it’s really possible for one not to move an inch from where they were. But, things are never static. Things that I call not moving, it is actually moving, but, instead of progressing, they are regressing.

Being 20 years older and regressing without realizing it.

It disturbed me more than I realized. I have been talking to myself about what actually bothers me.

I haven’t figured out the answer but found a similarity in all these examples.

Learned helplessness.

From this source :

“Learned helplessness is a psychological state where you believe you have no control over what happens to you. This occurs after a person has repeatedly experienced stressful, uncontrollable events, leading to a feeling that your actions don’t matter”.

I understand change is hard. But not until this year did I see what life could be like if we really neglect the homework that should be done, skip the training that should be learned, and keep walking without a compass or clear direction. It could bring you literally anywhere before you realize you’re actually lost. Like you have no idea where you are, and it is a point of no return.

What’s worse, even after you realize it, you still don’t know where to go, because you’ve been accustomed to living a life without thinking for many years.

For someone who often suffers because whose brain couldn’t stop and doing too much thinking, it’s perplexing.

One who is regressing is actually asking the same question as one who is progressing: “How do I end up here?” Only with different tones. One with astonishment, while the other with confusion.

I have been searching for the root of learned helplessness other than stress and trauma. Is it possible because of multiple bad decision-making that keeps compounding? One bad decision-making that is not bothered to be fixed?

The level of thinking greatly influences decision-making, and it requires a certain level of intelligence —the higher, the better? Not really. At a certain point, thinking alone is not enough. It won’t bring you results. Doing and executing are the real work of decision-making.

How do we even know whether a decision is good or bad? Before making it, one that feels harder, seems impossible, and stretches the heart and brain to the maximum to execute is usually a good one.

After living it, we will slowly be shown the result. At this point, is it possible to turn a bad decision to be slightly better one? Possible. But, we have to do the homework. Slightly harder than before, but, the sooner it is realized, the easier to fix. This too needs thinking

Doing and excuting need one ingredient that I didn’t realize I have been having growing up due to many unintentional circumstances that push me to keep exercising it : courage.

I think courage is the cure(?) of learned helplessness. Since it’s learned, it can surely be unlearned. But, courage is not given. It’s practiced through continuous execution.

I also realized how important it is to live with good, honorable, and respectable wants. Not only needs. Not to gain other’s approval, but to respect yourself.

Wants make you think, make you hopeful, make you go out and try, and make you feel alive. While, helplessness is the root of hopelessness. It’s hard to imagine to operate life with such state.

Thinking, doing, and executing is hard. But, the consequences of neglecting them are even harder. Maybe this is why people say life is hard. Neither choice is easy.

Maybe this is also why the Quran keeps repeating certain lines many times :

“Afala ta’kilun?” (don’t you use your intellect?)

“Afala tatafakkarun?”(don’t you think?”)

“Afala yatadabbarun?” (don’t you reflect?”)

The more examples I see, the more I understand how powerful the intellect is.

I have said enough.

One line from Murakami keeps playing inside my head while writing this :

There are three reasons I failed. Not enough training. Not enough training. And not enough training.

Closing this with a line found in Medium :

“Writing is how to make sure your train of thought arrives at the station”.

Back to the cave.

A recent event gave me another frown and uttered disbelief. It was another thing that I thought could happen in any random social media post I encountered, but to deal with this in reality, I keep questioning myself: What kind of world is this?

That was one of the passages on my previous post.

I don’t know since when, whenever something happens, something that has a direct or indirect impact on my life, something that I still have to deal with in the future, I have this constant annoyance inside to make sense of everything. Recent events on a personal level have been constantly disturbing and need to make sense.

Like Hermione, when in doubt about something, go to the library. I have been through my old reading for days and went through my gallery, where most of the contents are captured from articles I read in the past. I am also typing some questions in the learning machine. I have certain answers that I keep repeating whenever I discuss the problem with someone. But I am still not satisfied enough to stop wondering.

During sit and stare session in tahajud (this again another 4 am post), I suddenly remember one word I wrote in my latest YPM post. Then my mind jumped to another recent writing on the draft about my daughter who starts copying a certain habit of mine and elaboration of how habit and characters formed. There is also certain pinned post on my feed that I keep re-reading regarding this disturbing event because it amplifies the truth of what I wrote there.

From there, I keep connecting some of the recent conversations, looking back at some of my personal experience and some others related to me, and I start feeling a bit settled.

One phrase that could explain the event :

The absence of internalized values.

Previously, I can only make sense the behavior by calling it weak character. But then, what’s behind such weak characters that lead to certain behavior?

It must be something deeper than that.
How does characters are built?
Through long years of repetitions of habits. Habits can be good or bad.

Then, how does one build good characters? By doing long years of hard things.

How does habit formed?
Internally : from genetics. We bring certain instilled preferences in ourself inherited by genetic from our ancestors.
Externally : from our environment.

How does environment help to promote habits?
Internally : Motivation and willpower
Externally : System.

Some habits we carry in our genes flourish because it grows in the right environment while some failed to thrive because it doesn’t meet the right soil to grow.

I learned that we might not carry any genetics of certain habit, but, environment has enough power to perform certain habits.

Anything we have internally doesn’t really work without working on the external factors. Something that we don’t have internally might grow when there is strong pressure externally.

One of the reasons why certain schools are in high-demand because they provide everything to build good characters.
The seeds are different, but with the right environment with good system, it makes bad habits have no place to grow.

Where do values position here?

Cited from this article :

So, what drives our attitude and behavior at the most basic level? It’s our beliefs and values. Values and character are deeply interconnected, with one forming the foundation and the other serving as its outward expression. Values are the beliefs and principles that guide a person, while character is the consistent demonstration of those values through behavior and habits over time. 

Our core values are usually inherited from our closest people. Parents, teachers, or the bigger family. We pick our initial values from our surroundings.

Based on personal experience and seeing some results when someone becomes a fully mature adult by the end of their 30s and 40s, value transmission needs a strong connection and countless repetitions until it can be safely internalized during our formative years that persists through adulthood.

If it doesn’t take place at home, other circle with stronger connection might take the job. Friends, schools, etc.

When values start to be transmitted?

Based on this journal :

“Adolescence is considered a critical period for the development of values and identity, when parents serve as important agents of socialization of their children (Alwin, 1984, Smith and Self, 1980, Starrels, 1992). However, parents compete with other socialization agents (e.g., peers, teachers, and media) such that adolescence marks a turning point when parental influence begins to wane (Younnis & Smollar, 1985). Adolescents begin to remove themselves from their parents’ sphere of influence and expand their own identity and values (Hoffman, 1984, Kroger and Haslett, 1988). The process of individuation accelerates as children experience important life transitions such as moving out of their parents’ home, marrying, and having children of their own, which lead to greater divergence from the values of their parents (Bucx, Raaijmakers, & Van Wel, 2010). Because timing appears to a key feature of value socialization, it is important to consider both pre- and post-adult children when studying the transmission of values between generations (Acock and Bengtson, 1980, Bengtson, 2001, Erikson, 1950, Hitlin, 2006).

Children couldn’t learn from someone who they have no connection with. No education could ever take place without connection. No values could be transferred without a strong connection.

Connection needs presence. They say quality is more important than quantity? Only true with adequate quantity first. No quality before quantity. Numbers can’t lie. Low quantity has a higher probability of low connection.

Can children from the same home and parents end up with different values? It’s very much possible. The child’s temperament, birth order, family situation, schools they attend, and things they experience growing up might all contribute to different values adopted.

How do we judge successfully transmitted values?

It’s how people behave when they have full authority over themselves. Things they do when they have all the resources on their hand. Things they do behind supervision and closed door.

The core values will also have an impact on ethics and morals.

Any behaviors an adult displays is the reflection of successful values that he adopted. Whether from home or another environment.

There is one memorable line from the current podcast I listened to from a marriage counselor :

“Value is not taught, it’s caught”.

(Deep breath)

An adult without clear values will never have clear goals in life. It is translated in every aspect of life. Living in confusion, picking up the easiest way to live, driving aimlessly until it crashes into something, the consequences of which must be handled not only by himself, but unfortunately, by others too.

Adults with unclear values even unable to internalize and own their mistake properly and do something to fix it the right way.

I never knew how scary it is before it truly happens before my eyes.

(Deep breath).

It took me few hours to finally finish this writing with countless revisions.

I think I can put my mind on ease a little bit now.

The pinned post and caption related

I once wrote being an adult is hard.

To be a decent one, it is even harder.

First writing here.

A YPM alumni posted a writing about life in YPM and it triggered more alumni to give their testimony too. I am enjoying YPM’s little reunion on the comment section while keep reflecting and being currently on the down slope of parenting.

Reading those comments make me realize few things.

Not all the students become great/famous pianist.
But, all agree in one thing. The result of all the rigorous training done for years are same for everyone :

the good characters stay,
Especially for those who reached certain level.

Lower grade in YPM is about building discipline, consistency, resilience, and many kind of internal characters.

Upper grade in YPM (if one is given the chance) is more about displaying years whether those characters have been successfully internalized or not.

Before grade 6, if you don’t pass, you can repeat the year.
Starting grade 6, if you don’t pass : out.

The brilliant one goes directly to PK 1.
The not so brilliant one (like me) goes to Pra PK.
It’s like another second chance of grade 6.
If you don’t pass : out.

In PK 1 – PK2, if you don’t pass all or half of the subjects, repeat the year.

PK 3 is the final destination. The end of journey.

They pick 2-3 student to be taken as teacher, if they tick all the list.

Looking back, I think, those who could proceed and survive PK years, are ones who got the characters internalized, more than the skills.

Ones who, in spite being scolded hard weekly, keep coming.
Ones who might be not so talented, but keep trying.
Ones who keep juggling between task and challenges, they give their all to finish it,no matter the result.

Evening Replass is where we have play in front of others, being criticized openly and bluntly. Twice a week, From 7pm-12 am.
It might sound weird, but, I have never seen an empty Repclass room even during school exam, like final test or even UAN.
They don’t choose between school or YPM. They embrace both responsabilities equally.

Having/doing/surviving YPM in my formative years, it’s like a ‘shortcut’ to be a functional adult.

The most significant tangible result is nothing written on the paper, but when I look around my peers and realized I was entering 20s fully ready to deal with the most uncertain period of adulthood.

because I am good, but because I have been trained to deal with whatever adult should deal with.

Adults :

Pay their own bills.

Doing multiple roles.

Doing things we don’t like, but we have to.

Having clear goals and know how to achieve it.

Saying no to many things that doesn’t align with the goals, be it job offers or marriage proposals (plurals).

Fully aware that good life comes with price and willing to pay for it.

It’s certainly not because who I am. It’s the works that many people do for me in my formative years and YPM was the huge part of it.

Working and volunteering with the 20s for the past few years, I see it as one way to paying forward for all the hardwork done on me.

Succesful education can be considered by two characteristics : competency and character.

In YPM, they nailed both.

Closing this with one of the most favorite quotes from a book :

“Teachers (and great education) affect eternity. No one can tell where their influences stops”.

The past few days, life gave me huge lessons about few things. Or maybe show me some test to my character.

It showed me how reactive I am. How quick I was jumping into conclusions.

It showed me how much improvement needed regarding my communication skills.

It showed me no matter much I think I know what to do, at certain point, I will be slipped.

It showed me the complexities of raising a child. No matter how much I think I know about my child, there will be more than I don’t know and teach me those I don’t know through certain circumstance that doesn’t make sense.

I feel humiliated, embarrassed, disappointed, stupid, all level of shame from the lowest to the highest. On the other side, I feel confused, worried, defeated, and extremely exhausted. It has been countless session of talking inside the head and tears flowing suddenly. Even when I am currently writing this.

This is actually the real life test to certain thing that I seem to understand during learnng, so it gives me a chance to see how much I understand when it happens in real life, not through others, but first hand experience.

But, this also one of the moments of confirmation how precise Allah’s timing for everything. While facing this lesson, He let me deal with it ‘alone’ to make sure I am the one who get the lesson.

I wrote to the smallest details at the beginning of the year. It happened again this time. Been wondering why it kept delaying while for the past few months it has been consistently on time. It came at the right time to remove some of obligations while dealing with huge commotion.

Other than the emotions mentioned above, there’s one thing that gives me some light :

The amount of courage that helped me get through this. Years spent training this trait through doing hard things and decision making, turned out to be the most useful while dealing with turbulence in life.

Another thing I realized, we, as human, will never be done with ourself until the end. When we think we have done with ourself, then another layer will be peeled, whether we like it or not. Onion peeling event would always sting in the eye.

I hope I truly learn my (hard) lessons here.

1. Regular exercise since I was 18.
2. Regular fasting since I was 20.
3. Cut half of my income and spend only the other half since I was a first jobber in 18.

Number one and two I followed the example set at home. Home matters. May Allah keeps showering the rewards of all the good teaching from and for my mother . Amiin.

Number three, I didn’t really remember how I started but, having clear goals and three big dreams in my 20s helped me giving clarity and purpose what the money earned for.

I also learn that if you can’t be clear about your own goals, it’s likely to be harder to be clear when it comes to other people.

Doing all the those three since my 20s turned out to be a huge advantage in my 40s. Getting older is unavoidable, but what I just realized getting older comfortably needs more hard work when you’re younger. You’ll get what you pay in your 20s for your 40s. Good things compound, so does bad ones. All the habits done daily and regularly over the years during my 20s suddenly feel easy when I turn 40.

I am often being hard on myself because I know myself too well. I am basically and naturally lazy. But I want to live comfortably. If I keep validating my laziness, it will make life harder for me, so there’s no other way to do the opposite.

This also becomes my stand on raising my daughter. I want my daughter have what I have in this part. Although her life is not mine to live, but I wish her well being, physically and mentally in her adulthood, which means the preparation should start early.

Enjoying my 20s thanks to years of training done since my childhood and teenager years, again credit goes to my mother and for some part, my father.

Now, in my 40s, it isn’t time for relax and easy. It means another preparation should be done for the next two decades. May Allah make it easy, may the mind and heart keep being on the track to live peacefully in this world and hereafter. Amiin.