Category: Life happens

Twenty four months with hundreds of episodes for Life in Montana season 1 finally comes to its finale and it’s time to say goodbye.

Bidding farewell to the space where the heart has been happy, secured, and peaceful. A home where personal and family growth happened for the past two years. Words couldn’t describe how I love the time spent living here. It ticks all the boxes from what I want from a home.

We had our last movie night two weeks ago. We usually pick one movie without fight. But, that night, we put five options and made a draw.

Paddington was out.

A movie about moving to a new place.
A movie with the city we once called home.
The line from this movie described it well :
“I soon learned home is more than a roof over your head,” he says. “My body had travelled very fast, but my heart, she took a little longer to arrive.”

Moving to a new place is actually not only about moving your belongings. It’s moving your whole life so you can be functioned as well as you were in the new place.

The process of creating ‘home’, that requires the hardest thinking.

After a week moving things, heart and everything, going back and forth between lower and upper floors nonstop, time to continue our journey to Life in Montana season 2.

So long.

I am not crying.

This year has been one full of anxiety from the beginning of the year, until the very last day of October.

At the very end of October, a life of my beloved father-in-law also came to the end. We have known that this day would come soon since few days ago when he had been staying at the hospital for a week.

Last Friday I was stayed with him alone all through the day and couldn’t help feeling so uneasy. Friday in hospital ward brought back the memories ten years ago, the day I lost my mother.

The mood, the silence, it was tense.

Last Sunday became my last meeting with him. Me and the doctor cleaned her mouth while kept looking at the monitor box all the time.

Yesterday, the feeling was getting stronger. The numbers on the monitor slowly declined. All his boys gathered together.

I planned to go to the hospital knowing my mother in law was alone. Canceled the plan knowing the three brothers were heading there. Instead, I wrote a written plan about what to do just in case the time came.

Spent the whole last leg of afternoon writing and editing the plan.

After Isya, at the hospital, he did his last prayed lead by his second son, accompanied by his wife.

We were already in bed around 9 pm when the GP called that his condition was near to the end. He left the world peacefully on the arms of his wife.

My written plan finally shared to the whole family.

We packed our bags and went to the hospital. The two brothers got their chance to bath him for the last time before we brought him home. I accompanied my mother in law in the ambulance while the doctor drove the little girl to my aunt who luckily live nearby my MIL’s house.

My father in law was the quiet type. I might not have too many strong memories with him. Yet, I woke up at 3 am and write this, because he is important enough for me to remember the details of what happened on the day he left.

Ten years from the painful 2012, the pain of losing a parent returned.

The grief degree might not on the same level with one felt in 2012, but the passing of my father in law left as well important reminder like 2012 gave.

I’ve known him since 2002. Through stories. Through the narratives from one of his son.

Ten years from 2002, I had the chance to know him in person, through the law.

I found that we hardly know someone, no matter how long you‘ve ‘known’ him. There were many times when I found the story I heard for the past ten years didn’t match the reality I experienced myself.

But one thing that I’ve been witnessing for the 20 years of knowing him, same relationship with the same person could never stay the same all the time. It will grow to whatever side you give the most effort.

I am beyond happy to see how the narrative heard from the doctor 20 years ago was completely different to what I’ve been experiencing and have witnessed since 10 years ago until yesterday.

I found the truth from the saying, “if you don’t resent your parent enough, then they don’t raise you well enough”.

As an adult who has the freedom to choose and decide, It’s completely on your hand whether to turn the resentment into new contentment or endless disappointment.

The post has been on type-delete-type-delete mode for many times.

It’s much harder finding the right angle to write since there are lots of them whenever death is the topic, than choosing the best picture to use, since not many available and could properly describe the feeling.

Early dawn, 3.40 am, at the bedroom of my aunt.

August never slipped away.

It has always been loud, tough, painful and make sure its presence got full attention and whole energy to deal with until the very end of it.

But, August too shall pass.
Some ended with flying colors,
Some stayed insanely cruel.

The last day of August yesterday was maybe one of the highest after three months dealing with many kind of hurdles at work. Closed the month with the highest sales ever for the past five years. But, that was not the ultimate thing that made me feel happy.

It was the feeling of knowing that I didn’t retreat from the battlefield when things went hard and dealt with every single thing that was being thrown to my face, no matter how painful and emotionally draining they were, that was truly fulfilling.

Although it’s far from professional, This August showed that I am obviously more than an amateur and don’t let any weather stopping me from showing up and working on something that is important to me.

Looking back to this post, glad the answer (so far) is I did it.

When things get hard later, which is likely to be, I’ll return to this August to remind myself once again.

Although it was the same vibe, but it is not related to the part 1.

I wish I could record every circumstance in a writing right when it happened.

This June and July have been like a roller coaster ride where every morning felt like facing a battle with time bomb, which was quite uncertain when it would explode.

The moment of those sleepless nights, the highly anxious daytime, the confusion whether to go forward or just stay in a status quo, stayed in a relationship that kept sinking, turned a blind eye to all the mistakes that already felt too much to be tolerated.

The moment of making the effort to have that hard yet important conversations, to finally, breaking the (bad) news, bravely cut the ties, for whatever price. Deep down inside, the heart knew it was the only right thing to do and should have been done much earlier than that night.

A survival mode was on.

‘One day at a time’ had been spelled continously to reduce the loud noise inside the head and severe overthinking of so many things that could have happened.

There were on or two moments of relief in between. As if something heavy lifted from the chest, yet new things were waiting. New problems to solve and they were no easier than breaking the bad news.

The consequences of cutting the tie was fully understood, yet nothing prepared me for the actual situation. There were times spent questioning whether all the decision made was the right thing to do, because days after that felt like a complete mess.

The usual life pattern has always been like this : things will get worse and go to the worst then slowly get better.

Cutting the tie with someone who had been staying for years was hard enough. Then, days later, another one informed his resignation.

For the second one, I knew it would happen, since he already said it at the beginning of the year, but totally couldn’t imagine it would happen during the time when his presence was irreplacable and extremely critical.

‘Bad’ things never have good timing indeed.

It felt like returning to the starting line five years ago.

Running with completely new crews on the fifth year surviving this jungle totally makes the heart and mind work harder than the last four years.

I thought I already know a lot. Turned out, I felt like being pushed to take a totally different route and should figure out where it will go. Quit is an option of course. Been considering that option a lot, until this very second.

Planned to release this when things go back to its old balance, but after weeks, something new always come up and it seems there’s no way it could go back to the old days and still have no idea how much more on the menu and how long this period would last.

Guess it’s okay to push the publish button now, hoping there will be time when I look back to these periods and say,

I did it.

Or not.

A school week with three odd days has been considered a stressful one.

Few months ago, chose to drive during odd license number although it took much longer route with crazy traffic. Then, after several trips for few weeks, decided that something should be done to stay sane. Switched to online ride for school drop and went straight home with the same car.
It turned out better for sanity although the taxi fare was not that agreable.

This week, finally found a much better way to improve the situation.

It began with a chaos Monday. The big fault was when I overestimated everything. Did all usual routine (breakfast, subuh, Quran, piano, Numbots, Rockstar, Piano trainer, shower and dhuha) with too much leisure until it was time to leave yet no single online ride accept the order. Started to get anxious and decided to walk to the bus stop hoping to get a vacant one. No result.

Crossed the pedestrian bridge. Still waited for a vacant online ride while keep ordering through two apps. No result.

School started within 10 minutes, a test started at 8.05 am and we were still standing 6 km away without solution. Texted the school asking for an online test. They said no more online test. She should come in person.

Dealt with crying girl at the bus stop while waiting for a miracle.

A driver finally accepted the request, but he was still 5 minutes away and had to make another stop. The longest five minutes.

Arrived at school 3 minutes before the test started.

Went back home with taxi fare cost 1,5x higher and energy level 1,5x lower than usual.

We learned better on Wednesday. Woke up 10 minutes earlier made all the difference. All routines done peacefully.

Again, no taxi accepted the request so we walked again to the bus stop across the apartement. Got a vacant one in an instant. Dropped at school safely then asked the driver to drop me at the nearest bus stop and proceeded to have museum trip.

Today was even better. All routine done even earlier. Maybe since it is long weekend, easily find a ride through the app while it was early. I aksed the driver to stop at the nearest bus stop and continued back home with another bus ride and morning walk.

This practice turned out to be the most beneficial.
Taxi fare reduced significantly. Morning walk under morning ☀️ fixed the mood greatly.

This week small wins : cost and energy efficiency, (finally) a nice craft work to be displayed!

The past few days have been the weirdest period in this year Ramadan. Everything happened so quickly and so hard to believe it’s really happening.

It felt so similar with same thing happened during Ramadan six years ago, with much bigger scale. It gave me goosebumps and brought me to many disbelief, confused mind, and constantly asking how could it happen so quickly?

It felt surreal a simple visit to a place could change a life trajectory for the next years above. The past four days have been the days when I woke up with certain specific thing in mind and continous pleading for anything that could tell us if it wasn’t the right (to do). But, just like what happened four years ago, there were none.

Despite the doubts that scattered everywhere, things escalated quickly in a good way, (too quickly if I may say). We slept it out and kept looking intensely, revisiting few times, instead of the feeling wanted to withdraw, it pulled us to the other side. It brought us closer to it until at certain point, we decided that this might be the time.

With countless bismillah, finally sealed the deal last night.

It is frightening, honestly.

Since we return from London, this is something that we thought might be happening within four to five years later. We had the plan, have been religiously doing the works to get there, but no slightest idea to execute such life changing decision, like now.

It felt surreal how life could bring something that you know it is on the way but fully certain and understand it is still quite far away. It’s pretty shocking when it is suddenly show up in front of your door, knocking so hard, screaming so loud, asking to be let in.

It feels like experiencing the famous The Alchemist quote in reality. The past four days have been the period of having countless universe conspirations that made us closer to the thing we’re too afraid of dream having right now, yet it is really here.

I am still in another period of countless self-talking “Is it real? Is it really okay?”. The last previous similar situation also happened three years ago.

I have been experiencing many little joy that Ramadan brings. It has always been the most wonderful time of the year. But, to experience and receive such enormous ‘present’ in front of our door, Although it comes with long term consequences, yet I couldn’t help asking, how could this be?

Last night was just a tiny step among many thousands more to come that we should face in the future.

Buckle up and,

Bismillah.

Dark living room, 02.53 AM, 26 Ramadan 1443 H