Today, Wednesday 15 June 2016, as early as 4.45 am, I was securing the very first real step to my most longing dream for years.
Among three, this is the only one I wasn’t able to achieve before marriage. I have been doing lots of things to be here, not only once thinking about to let it go, but in the end, I know I will never be able to really let it go. It won’t leave me. It will keep haunting until it is unlocked.
The past four days have been like a war inside my heart and mind. The battle between to do or not to do has been very intense. Doing a very massive researches using every single possible keywords to assure this time, it’s really the time.
Calculating between the loss and the gain then finally, sincerely asking The One and Only for Him to take care this one longest dream until the end. Ask Him for all blessing to make it happen.
I wish my mum were here, so she can really witness that I am working on this one dream. No one knows better than her how much I want this. I am really going this time, Mum.
It took me sometime to think what to say about this.
But, let’s begin.
During the last few months of my pregnancy I started thinking about many things. Worry actually. So many what ifs occured in my mind.
What if I have to go through c-section in the end?
How can I deal with the pain? And it would surely take almost all of our saving.
What if I have to deal with it alone when the time comes and no one at home and no one be there to help?
What if something happen in the end of pregnancy while it has been quite good so far?
On the least important part, we had prepared a name for the baby but the name was one of a very certain name about the time the baby was born. So, what if people kept asking why name it like that while it wasnt born at that time.
Yep,even i worried about that kind of thing.
What if I really gave birth according to the due date on mid-december while my permission leave only until the end of january? While le husband announced another news that he might be sent out of town for a month in January. How could I even manage it all alone?
This head filled with those fears.
But then, for the countless times in my life, I once again was taught to have a faith, a really strong faith to the one and only, Allah The Al-Mighty, after doing all the best that I could.
It was an incredible journey that my shallow mind couldn’t even think of.
Tuesday, 25november2014
It was my check-up routine. The doc said that it was 37 week, the baby’s position was good, but she was still a bit underweight. But since there still would be another few weeks, we had some times to manage. Just eat and wait for the time when she wants to come out, he said. It confirmed that it would be a girl.
So, i tried to eat more even the belly felt already too heavy.
Wednesday,26november2014
I went teaching as usual. Then go home. Then, at home i felt something unusual. I felt some pain on my hips like that one I had during period. Then for some short times i feel my tummy was cramped. Firstly, I didnt take it too seriously. But, it was getting often.and hurt. Le husband came and checked. He said it might hurt but its ok. Still nothing about the birth phase. That day, i felt something in my heart. A thought occured that she might want to come on Friday. The best day in Islamic calendar. While there was another thing, that Friday was the last Friday in November, it was the same time when my mum left 2 years ago.
But, it was just my wishful thinking. As the thought occured and the pain is getting worse, I prayed harder that she would come at the best time that Allah chose.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
The pain was no longer there in the morning. So, i still had a thought to go teaching. But, le husband told me not to,just in case. So I dropped it. Then, it was 08.30 when the pain started attacking. Then, it came continously and it was getting worse and worse. It lasted only 30 seconds till a minute, but it was soo hurt when it came.
After dzuhur, I phoned the hospital to register for another check-up on next Tuesday. Then, I asked the nurse too what signs that showed me that I had to go to hospital. Then she asked few questions and my answers were yes. She told me to come.
Even after the phone call, I still had a doubt to go. I told my dad I might ask him to take me to hospital when this pain was getting unbearable. At 13.00, I decided to go. It hurts like i dont know what and too often. At least they can check there and gave me some solution. I still phoned my aunt asked her how to manage this pain when it came. She said nothing. You have to endure it. Well,okay.
I arrived at the hospital at 13.20 and directly being examined by the Emergency unit doctor. Then, she said that it was already step 3. The uterus had opened 3 cm which means that I was already doing the birth phase. It was 1-10. Mine was already 3 and in other words I had to prepare to give birth at the maximum by next morning. So, they didn’t allow me to go home. My dad administered me to the hospital.
I was already in my room at 14.45. I wanted to explain in words how the pain felt at that time, but no idea. All I could do was sitting on a chair next to the bed and hold on to the iron stick next to it and grabbed it so tightly when the pain came. I no longer just squeezed something soft.
At 15.45, the doctor came and checked. It was already on the 4th stage. So he said it might come at 10-11. I was stunned. An hour ago I prepared to do the labour by the next morning, and now it would be just few hours left. I was getting nervous and scare as the pain was stronger and stronger.
At 17.30, the water broke. It means that delivery was very near. The nurses checked and it was 7th stage. They hurrily prepared the delivery room and moved me there. Le husband came with me.
I could remember well how hard to endure the pain. As the stage kept going up, the cramp was getting painful. I think painful sounds too easy. It was true that people said that nothing hurt more than what a woman feels during delivery.
In the delivery room, we had to wait until it was the time to push the baby out. Remembering that time, I am speechless. I just squeeze le husband’s and the nurse’s shirt when the cramp came. Squeezed it like I could tear it.
It took me quite sometimes until I succeed to push the baby out. All people there kept encouraging me to push harder, until at one moment I was almost give up.
It was truly truly painful.
It was at 19.35, Thursday night on 27 November 2014 when Langit Senja Almakirana came. No further explanation.
You know what, my mum left on the last Friday of November 2 years ago. Langit came on the last Friday of November 2 years later. She was truly a gift from up there.
All these process that I’d been through, I realized that we had nothing to do for the result. All we have to do is just doing our best. What happened on that Thursday was beyond my best expectation.
Worry about have c-sect? Not happened.
It usually takes longer for the first child. Two days even some of them have to endure the pain in a week or two. Me? 6 hours.
Worry about how we pay the hospital bill if there’s something wrong? All the doctors who helped the delivery didn’t charge their service at all,even the room. Grace á le husband as fellow doctor.
Me having a wishful thinking that Allah would allow her to come on Friday? Checked, checked, checked. Subhanallah.
Worry how when she came in the morning,night, or even a bright day? It doesn’t fit the name we prepared for her. But, she came very close to it. So, Langit Senja it is.
But, all those things didn’t happen freely. My delivery was quick much more because I’d been moving and doing a lot at home. I cleaned up the bathroom on Monday, brushed the floor while sitting on the chair.
She came on Thursday night (in Islam, a day starts after maghrib.So, thursday night is officially Friday) much more because I read Surah Yassin on the few last months of pregnancy every Thursday night.
I don’t write this to show off anything. But, I truly believed, everything happened above were nothing about coincidence. There were a result of something.
So, dear Langit, may you always be protected and blessed in your entire life. Welcome, my little princess:)
The last day of my 20’s.
I am having a new number insya Allah in few hours. How does it feel?
To be honest,
It is scary.
It has been great along these 10 years. People say that 30’s will be more exciting. I hope mine will be too. But, I will start the new phase by having the most important role as a human. A mother. That what scares me most, I think.
Not to say I am not happy or grateful. Maybe I think about this too seriously. But then, who is not?
Having a child is like a lifetime job that you are never be able to resign. Since the due date is getting closer (I am currently in my 32 weeks), I have more doubts and anxieties about this. There are too many and I can’t even elaborate.
I just have my faith in me that helps me a lot to carry on. The faith and my belief that I will never be alone to go through everything.
No matter how rough the road ahead, there will be one thing that always be near with me. One that is the help of all affairs.
Laa haula wa la quwwata illa billah.
I recite this one sentence very often along these months..
Whaaa, it’s been quite a while since my last writing. Been quite busy these days.
My sister is getting married next month insya Allah. The most sad news came from a very best friend whose wedding was cancelled,right 3 weeks before the date. Truly heart breaking. But,then, may Allah give her strength and replace it for someone better in the near future. Amin.
We had our first anniversary last December. Alhamdulillah. Hope we’re looking for more more years to count. Amin.
I’ll turn 30 by this October insya Allah. Long ago, 30 seems soo old and far. And now, I am counting just other few moments to it. As stated in my previous post, I have no regrets in these past 10 years of my 20s. I almost had all what I have been dreaming of. Altough the lost I had can be considered pretty enormous too, but it still truly one of the best decade of my lifetime.
To add all those blessing, Allah sent me, or us,another present. Yes, Alhamdulillah a little us is on her/his way. A baby to be insya Allah. It’s still early. We’d just known it last week, on April 24 and haven’t checked it to the doctor yet.
To be able to reach this point, I just want to be grateful and more more grateful in the future. May Allah keeps everyone’s health, make it easier for all affairs, bestow us with His blessing all the way. Amin.
I’d been planning to go for Hajj in 2003. Right after I went for Umra with my family. First Umra.
I started saving since then. Luckily, I got my first job 6 months after that, so I could regularly saving.
I registered on December 2008, then 2 weeks later, my mum did it too. It was predicted that we would go in 2012. But, it turned out that our numbers listed in 2011. At that time, I was still in KL and my mum was in France. So, we deferred it until the next year.
I called it as my greatest trip for so many reasons. It is because the Hajj itself, which is great, and many circumstances that happened related to this. A week before we departed, things changed. There was a possibility that I would go by my self because my mum was not in good condition. She might go, and allowed to, but the doctoe suggested that she’d better stay. She decided not to go on Wednesday, while we departed on Friday, 19th October. Then, Thursday morning she changed her mind. She repacked her luggage and felt so sure about going there.
We departed to the Hajj dorm on Friday morning from Istiqlal. We stayed there until midnight then we went to the airport. Our flight departed at 5.45, Jakarta time and arrived at Holy Mecca at 11.45. It was such a long journey. It felt longer when your travel partner was not in good condition. I kept worrying about my mum. She could not sit for long period because of her stomach. It was aching all the time.
The stress continued after we arrived at Hajj airport, queueing in immigration, waiting for our luggage, taking a bath and miqot in the airport, waiting for another departure to the apartment,and so many more. After waiting for 4 hours, we got on our bus, which was non-air conditioner, and that 5-hours seemed much longer while my mum was sweating all along the journey. It was so heart-breaking to see her like that.
Hajj Airport
We managed to get our room early so she could have a rest first before we did the umra. We went to Masjidil Haram at 9 pm, by walk. I’d just visited the Mosque in 2010, but still, having this by my eyes once more never failed to make me shiver. It was so crowded. We parted from the group, so we finished Thawaf, Sa’i, and Tahalul only with other two members. We went back to apartment at 3.30 am. It was so tiring.
Holy Ka’bah
Since Wukuf was only two days away, so we just stayed in our apartment, recharging the condition from the fatigues, preparing for the main Hajj rituals in 5 days ahead.
Wukuf started on 9 Dzulhijjah, or 25 october 2012. We arrived in Arafah a previous day after Maghrib. We stayed in tents together with all of Pilgrims all over the world. It started after Dzuhur until the sun set.
Arafah
After Maghrib, we proceed to Muzdalifah for Mabit before staying in Mina for three days. In Muzdalifah we just stayed for few hours, collecting stones for Jumrah, and having light sleep above the rocky hill while waiting for midnight to go to Mina. Until there, I felt the rituals were nothing hard, but, the waiting, the queuing for everything, those were so tiring.
While I kept fighting to get the best spot in the bus, tent, or everywhere so my mum felt comfortable. I knew she was bearing so much pain, got her comfortable places everywhere we go, was the least that i could do for her. I prepared every small things that could help her feel more comfortable. I had hot water in my thermos, hot tea, dates, and biscuits in my backpack.
Mabit in Muzdalifah
We arrived in Mina at 2.30 am and then prepared for Jumroh Aqobah. This time, my mum didn’t go, because I could do that for her. We should walk about 6 km return to reach the place. But, Alhamdulillah, I was able to finish it. Mina was very hot. It was almost 50 celsius degree. The bathroom was so terrible, that was the hardest part of all Hajj rituals. Once again, not the rituals, but all the process in doing that.
Tents in Mina Mina’s Tunnel
We managed to return to mecca after the three days, or we followed ‘Nafar Awal’. How we returned to mecca could be another long story since it was kind of mess. The leader said that he already booked the bus, but it turned out that the bus couldn’t come. So, we had to walk for about 1,5 kilometers. It was fine for me, or others, but not my mum and elderly ones. Once again, i kept trying to talk to the leader to get the bus available as soon as possible, before the sun rises high. I kept insisting him, nagging, while others might think ‘what a fussy little girl’ and told me to be patient as if it was a trial in our Hajj. They could say that since they were not having their sick mum with them. I believe, if they did, they would do the same. Moreover, why bother, in the end, they were so grateful that I was being noisy. Because of that, we got the bus, and arrived in our apartment before the traffic stuck just an hour later. Stuck until midnight.
Normal traffic in our apartment
Compare to this on that day
Stuck from morning til midnight
We finished all the Hajj rituals on the next day by doing Thawaf Ifadah and Sa’i. This time, we just did it by ourselves. Mecca, especially Ka’bah was incredibly full. So crowded. But, alhamdulillah, we did our thawaf on the first floor, slowly. We finished Thawaf and Sa’i altogether within approximately 4,5 hours. Since my mum had to do it slowly and we stopped quite often, to drink and have a rest. If I reflected back, it was truly a miracle that we managed to complete our Hajj, with my mum condition. So, it only by Allah’s power we were able to do it. La Haula Wa La Quwwata Illah Billah.
The next days, I had a routine to wake up at 2.30 for preparing early breakfast for both of us. After having shower, then we went to the mosque for Tahajjud and Shubuh prayer. For few first days, my mum was able to follow it. Then, it became tiring for her. So, later, I just went there with Mbak Eni, my roommate and her mum. Since, I didn’t go with my mum, it was easier for me to find a spot for shalat. I stayed there until dhuha. I did Thawaf between subuh and dhuha, alone. That was one of my best me-time moments there. I circled the Ka’bah by my speed, prayed as much as i could, enjoying zam-zam after praying in Multazam and Maqom Ibrahim.
I returned to the apartment about 9 am. Bought nasi briyani nearby the apt for the brunch. Waiting for zuhur, I usually cleaned-up or washed the clothes. I did Zuhur and Ashar at home, then prepared for Maghrib and Isya at mosque.
So it run for 2 weeks there. But, then, I got another hard lesson there. That we could only truly have a plan, but, not decided whether it happened as we planned it or not. My mum was not getting any better. Then, in one afternoon, my father proposed to her to went home early. At first, she refused it. But, then, she finally agreed. It was something that hit me hard.
I thought only she would return, and I proceeded. Then, It wasn’t. My father asked me to join her. I just saw the text after having thawaf. I saw there were few missed-calls from him and a text. Asked me to go home too. I was in a complete silence for some times after reading it. Then the phone rang, my father talked to me. I was crying hard for minutes after hung up the phone.
I was crying inside the mosque. It was so silent and quiet, so I could cry peacefully. I remembered it was just less than an hour ago I prayed in my Thawaf that may Allah gave me a wider heart to accept all the things that He put in my life, all circumstances, good and bad. Then, without waiting too long, He gave me what I prayed for.
He gave me directly the thing that forced me to have this ‘ikhlas’. Instead of proceeding the Hajj to Madina, I had to go back to Jakarta. He fulfilled my wish to go Hajj before married, but, what I didn’t expect, It was how I had it fulfilled. Finished the main Hajj rituals, without visiting Madina and The Prophet. I accepted it quite slowly. Couldn’t help crying for it. Regretted it.
The next days the attention split between the preparation of going home while using my last minutes visiting the mosque and Ka’bah. I was busy going here and there to get all the documents needed because our case kind of abnormal. Returning early only feasible for those who were really sick according to doctor’s recommendation. But, my mum never visited any, because she didn’t want to. Fortunately, bless my father, the general director of Hajj affair was his colleague in Lemhanas. So, it made everything easier.
We had our Thawaf Wada (last Thawaf before leaving Mecca) on Saturday morning. That was the saddest moment of my Hajj. We did it slowly. She insisted to walk instead of wheel-chairing. She said that if it was her last being here, she wanted to do it properly, the best she could. It was very sad since it was truly her last:((
We stopped for a rest few times. We were so relieve when we finally managed to finish it. After praying for the last time in Multazam, suddenly she came to me and hugged me while saying, “Maafin ibu ya. Insya Allah nanti kamu kesini lagi sama suami kamu”. I didn’t want to translate it. That was the most emotional moment I’ve ever had. My mum hugged me in front of Ka’bah for the last time. I just realized that was her last hug too for me:'(
According to the plan, we would move to other group flight from Solo, because we didn’t get direct flight to Jakarta. So, our journey would be longer since we had to go to Jeddah first, stayed for one night, then proceeded to Solo, then to Jakarta. I couldn’t help feeling so worry remembering how far the journey would be and whether my mum would be able to make it. We were gonna spend so many hours on the plan, sitting, which was a big problem for her.
But, alhamdulillah, everything went well. Not that well, but we could go through it. No one could ever imagine what we had been going through. From Saturday until Thursday, when we finally arrived home. It was the longest 5 days I’ve ever felt.
My mum being hospitalized two days after. We supposed to go home from Hajj on November, 30th. But, the reality said that we went home 15 days earlier, but, my mum truly ‘went home’ at November, 30th. The ‘go home’ part was true, only the destination was different.
It’s not easy to finish this writing. It needs two months for me to finish it. I feel that I really to write this as complete as possible. For this was the greatest moment I’ve ever had with the person I love most in the world.
I really don’t know how to start this.
Had my engagement on September,30.
I went for Hajj on October,19.
Returned 15 days earlier without having Arba’in in Madinah. Arrived on 15 November.
Then, I had the biggest loss of lifetime.
I had two before.
My grandma on Friday, 30 March
My uncle on Monday, 16 April
Recently, I lost… my mother.
My beloved mother. Friday, 30 November.
While my wedding is only two weeks away.
It’s …… effingly breaks my heart. like .. I don’t know.
Don’t know that there’s still a life with her gone, forever..
I’ve passed the comprehensive examinations and I’ve got my study status completed with final CGPA 3,89. I’m glad that I graduate with such result, Alhamdulillah..
Ramadhan is here also.
This is the first Ramadhan spent without my beloved grandma. This coming Idul Fitri also will be the first one celebrated without her. I miss her terribly..
Beside as the first, this Ramadhan also might be the last one that I spend, um,,can we say… with my (biological) family?
Cause, if everything is all settled Insya Allah, I will spend the next Idul Fitri with a larger family. The new and extended one.
I feel a bit anxious thinking about that. I don’t know. I don’t know how it feels about spending Idul Fitri with somebody else family, although, it will also become my family. I can’t imagine of not being with my family during that particular day. Really, It gives me some heart-ache.
I know it sounds so shallow or what. But, the closer it is to the big day, I’m getting more afraid. Afraid of so many things.
I’m not the one who really keen on changes.
Yet, this year, I have to keep up with several.
I just only hope and pray that all these changes will lead me to be a better person, better life, and more blessings. Amin..
A Penny for My Pensieve 