Nice to finally see you by eyes, beautiful lady.
A crossroad at Boulevard Saint Germain
Autumn colours
Pont D’Iena and River Seine
No words needed. More pictures (and stories later) coming.
Waiting for today feels like forever since last June. Looking back to all things happened in the last four months make the heart almost exploded of mixed emotions felt.
Let’s go through the past tunnel first, shall we?
Right after the first umra when I was 19, three goals were set to be accomplished before married :
1. Master degree abroad
2. Going Hajj
3. Going to this city
The first two were checked in the same year of the marriage, but not the third one.
This city has been My constant stomachache. Having the language teacher at home made me really familiar about this city. The books were everywhere. The language was also daily spoken. One or two or three words were often used whenever we discussed something.
First time learned the language at 11. Then, it was on and off. During high school, this was one of an elective subjects for two years. Maybe, other than me, no one enjoyed this subject at all.
It has been come closer for several chances. When we visited Manchester in 1994, we had BeNeLux and this country visa with us. Sadly, chicken pox stopped us from going. In 1996, the teacher was sent for a month summer course, but again, joined her was out of option.
The dream was off for quite some times.
Then, I started working on it seriously in 2008. It was a thought of accomplishing number one and three in one shot. Master degree in this country or other countries nearby. Wherever it would be, as long as it was getting closer to number three would be fine.
Had been applying lots of universities in The Netherlands and England and received quite offering letters. Sadly, the scholarship wasn’t available. Back then, scholarships were not widely available. Not to say I would surely get it, but at least could give it a try.
Since Europe was quite hard, then the plan was revised. Instead of doing number one and three, the focus and resources were all used on number one first. It worked better than having two things at the hands. Number one was checked in 2011, after almost two years of searching.
In 2011, life happened a lot. The wedding planning had started rolling. The chance of having number three done before the wedding day was getting thinner. While number two was confirmed, number three was too far to be seen.
In 2011 also, the news of the teacher sent to one of the city in that country broke my heart a lot. She actually supposed to go the previous year, but she had to unveil herself. She refused and declined the offer. Unbelievably, the chance came once more on the following year. This time, she was told that she could keep her veil. So, she did go. As if this opportunity was chasing her until she said yes.
What made it was pretty heart-breaking, it was me who had been trying hard for almost two years, but why it seemed the teacher, who didn’t do anything to go, was the one who could go. It wasn’t fair at all.
Right after Hajj, a month after, it was the wedding day. The hope of accomplishing all three had totally gone. The chance of going within visible time was pretty zero, with le husband’s residency on the running. Until the wedding day, when the teacher was no longer here, number three was still left untouched.
Two years after marriage, the baby came. The hope was even more fading. Let alone that far, going somewhere near for couple of hours now is even not easy knowing this little baby is waiting at home. In the wildest and worse thought, number three was halfly given up. Although, the thought of dying without going there gave me a broken heart.
God has always had a funny, unexpectable, and mysterious way in fulfilling our wish. This year fasting month brought a greater blessing than we expected.
It started when the idea of homecoming to Solo was popped. Since le husband is already in his last year of residency, the schedule has been quite loose. For the first time in four years, we went for a trip by plane. Although the cost made our saving screamed a lot.
Right after bought the homecoming tickets, an idea to check the cost of number three ticket came into mind. Did it as a guilty pleasure, like I have always been doing whenever remembering number three.
Checking several airlines, it turned out one of them currently had some promos. As the curiousity was getting higher, destination and some dates were typed. Nothing serious, just wanted to check how much it would cost.
When the monitor displayed the price for two adults and an infant, the first reaction was…numb.
Such price, return, for three person? Seriously?
It might be not that cheap, but calculating quickly on my head, it was doable. At least, affordable for us. The dates input had been chosen, according to my schedule.
Couldn’t help staring at the monitor for some time. The tab had been opened for a whole day. Went to bed sighing and thinking, it would be still impossible.
The day after had never been the same. It made me checking the website every single day. Reading a lot of reviews. Comparing to almost every airlines possible. Discussing things with le husband, my father, and also my saving account.
For at least 12 days ahead, I had numerous disturbed sleeps. While le husband kept telling me just clicked and bought the tickets, while the courage was there. Telling me that I had been longing for this too long. Maybe it is really the time.
The courage came after sahoor in Ramadhan. The tickets were bought. Never in my life I spent money that much on something. For a stingy person like me, the amount spent was too scary.
Strangely, this time, instead of guilt, it felt good.
Those tickets bought were the first real thing I have done about number three. Although few months later I am still paying the debt for it, it is worth all the pain of having debt for.
The next morning, passports were being registered online and after two weeks, the new passports were ready. Passport done, the next step was one of the most important things about number three. One process which sucked almost your energy, time, and money : Visa application.
Preparing for visa was one of the most exhausting yet enriching steps about number three. It made me do lots of reading, if not to say too much reading. Almost all available articles, with any possible keywords were being read. Made sure I didn’t miss anything for my visa documents so it would be approved or before that, at least no document missing when we came to submit it.
One week after documents submission, the passports were returned. Opened the sealed envelope in front of the locket, opened the passport and… the stamp was there.
It was really there until I really wanted to cry.
The visa was there.
My permission entry to enter this country was granted.
Then, (Maybe), it is really the time.
———————
For me, it’s not a simply mere vacation. Nor an ordinary family trip.
It feels like going for another smaller Hajj. Going to the place which make your heart beating fast and has been giving you a constant stomach ache for almost three fourth of your life.
The place where you almost read everything about that, speaking the language (trying hard) like its people, knowing something about this place more than any common knowledge.
When usually people are having at least two or three countries to visit with their visa during their travel time, I (we) decide only to visit this one country, in this one city. I won’t be a hopping tourist. (Well, it’s actually a soft translation of the money is limited;))).
This one might sound too mainstream for many people, but not to me. It’s the place where some parts of the teacher’s soul lived. By the teacher, I have been talking about my mother.
The teacher who had been teaching me not only about the country and its language, but the more importantly, she taught us about having dreams and working on it until we make it.
Half of this journey, maybe about showing her up there, this time, I finally make it for my third biggest dream. She knew for sure I have been longing number three since a very young age. Sadly, she is not here to cheer with me like the previous two. But, I hope she would be proud to see everything that I have done to make this one real.
The initial plan was going alone, strolling here and there, taking pictures, resting for coffee and cake near the river, shopping till the wallet drop, visiting places on the list every single day all day long, having a day trip to the nearest cities, and many more of self-pleasing things. An ultimate self trip to end my 20s.
It turns out I am going with another two people. One of them is a baby, which gives me a lot of concern. Double and triple preparations, while having less and lower expectation. Instead of the strong 20s, it’s the less agile 30. God truly gives all my dreams checked, according to His will, not mine.
Dream then work on it to the fullest, I am the one who will decide the result, He said.
Then, let’s accept the result.
To the city where my heart has been constantly wrenching for after Mecca and Medina, here I come. I’ll see you there, Mom.
October 25, 2003 : the departure day of the journey when the three dreams were set.
October 25, 2016 : the departure day of the third and longest dream.
Missions accomplished.
Bismillah, off we go.
It’s not a literal title. I am not a runner, nor a fan of running. The word here refers to the current situation where is being well described as running.
Ramadan is here. Years before, Ramadan always brings something different. Something fun, exciting, meaningful, and gives that warm feeling.
The last four years, after all those big things happened in 2012, life has been pretty plain. It’s all about work. Maybe the only major change is having Langit. Other than that, it’s totally about working and saving. Never been to anywhere for the last four years. Literally nowhere.
This year, Ramadan surprisingly brings some unexpected circumstances. If all is going well, I will have the very first mudik during my 30 years of living. We’re going to visit Yangti on the second day of Idul Fitri insya Allah. This will be the first time for Langit to be on the plane, which gives me quite concern.
One thing always leads to another. Other than that, we happen to prepare another bigger journey. For me, it’s the one who has been becoming my constant stomach ache for a long time.
One first huge step was made and even that already felt like an accomplishment for me. Knowing how much and how long I have been holding back. Thinking that it will come very much later than sooner regarding the situation we’ve been living in for the past few years.
Made that first huge step was scary. But, it was as if the universe let it happened. Few past weeks feel surreal, exciting, yet full of worries. The next big step is being prepared and it consumes lots of energy, time, and of course, money. Can’t go with details about this until we (hopefully) really make it.
Chasing a dream is not like playing around. It takes determination, persistence, and your strongest faith to do your best and leave the result for Him to decide. And here I am, using all my resources to go here and there, until we reach the final destination.
I am going to have a faster speed after Idul Fitri. From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely pray May this time, it’s really my turn.
Amin.
Today, Wednesday 15 June 2016, as early as 4.45 am, I was securing the very first real step to my most longing dream for years.
Among three, this is the only one I wasn’t able to achieve before marriage. I have been doing lots of things to be here, not only once thinking about to let it go, but in the end, I know I will never be able to really let it go. It won’t leave me. It will keep haunting until it is unlocked.
The past four days have been like a war inside my heart and mind. The battle between to do or not to do has been very intense. Doing a very massive researches using every single possible keywords to assure this time, it’s really the time.
Calculating between the loss and the gain then finally, sincerely asking The One and Only for Him to take care this one longest dream until the end. Ask Him for all blessing to make it happen.
I wish my mum were here, so she can really witness that I am working on this one dream. No one knows better than her how much I want this. I am really going this time, Mum.
I will, Insya Allah.
It took me sometime to think what to say about this.
But, let’s begin.
During the last few months of my pregnancy I started thinking about many things. Worry actually. So many what ifs occured in my mind.
What if I have to go through c-section in the end?
How can I deal with the pain? And it would surely take almost all of our saving.
What if I have to deal with it alone when the time comes and no one at home and no one be there to help?
What if something happen in the end of pregnancy while it has been quite good so far?
On the least important part, we had prepared a name for the baby but the name was one of a very certain name about the time the baby was born. So, what if people kept asking why name it like that while it wasnt born at that time.
Yep,even i worried about that kind of thing.
What if I really gave birth according to the due date on mid-december while my permission leave only until the end of january? While le husband announced another news that he might be sent out of town for a month in January. How could I even manage it all alone?
This head filled with those fears.
But then, for the countless times in my life, I once again was taught to have a faith, a really strong faith to the one and only, Allah The Al-Mighty, after doing all the best that I could.
It was an incredible journey that my shallow mind couldn’t even think of.
Tuesday, 25 november 2014
It was my check-up routine. The doc said that it was 37 week, the baby’s position was good, but she was still a bit underweight. But since there still would be another few weeks, we had some times to manage. Just eat and wait for the time when she wants to come out, he said. It confirmed that it would be a girl.
So, i tried to eat more even the belly felt already too heavy.
Wednesday,26 november 2014
I went teaching as usual. Then go home. Then, at home i felt something unusual. I felt some pain on my hips like that one I had during period. Then for some short times i feel my tummy was cramped. Firstly, I didnt take it too seriously. But, it was getting often.and hurt. Le husband came and checked. He said it might hurt but its ok. Still nothing about the birth phase. That day, i felt something in my heart. A thought occured that she might want to come on Friday. The best day in Islamic calendar. While there was another thing, that Friday was the last Friday in November, it was the same time when my mum left 2 years ago.
But, it was just my wishful thinking. As the thought occured and the pain is getting worse, I prayed harder that she would come at the best time that Allah chose.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
The pain was no longer there in the morning. So, i still had a thought to go teaching. But, le husband told me not to,just in case. So I dropped it. Then, it was 08.30 when the pain started attacking. Then, it came continously and it was getting worse and worse. It lasted only 30 seconds till a minute, but it was soo hurt when it came.
After dzuhur, I phoned the hospital to register for another check-up on next Tuesday. Then, I asked the nurse too what signs that showed me that I had to go to hospital. Then she asked few questions and my answers were yes. She told me to come.
Even after the phone call, I still had a doubt to go. I told my dad I might ask him to take me to hospital when this pain was getting unbearable. At 13.00, I decided to go. It hurts like i dont know what and too often. At least they can check there and gave me some solution. I still phoned my aunt asked her how to manage this pain when it came. She said nothing. You have to endure it. Well,okay.
I arrived at the hospital at 13.20 and directly being examined by the Emergency unit doctor. Then, she said that it was already step 3. The uterus had opened 3 cm which means that I was already doing the birth phase. It was 1-10. Mine was already 3 and in other words I had to prepare to give birth at the maximum by next morning. So, they didn’t allow me to go home. My dad administered me to the hospital.
I was already in my room at 14.45. I wanted to explain in words how the pain felt at that time, but no idea. All I could do was sitting on a chair next to the bed and hold on to the iron stick next to it and grabbed it so tightly when the pain came. I no longer just squeezed something soft.
At 15.45, the doctor came and checked. It was already on the 4th stage. So he said it might come at 10-11. I was stunned. An hour ago I prepared to do the labour by the next morning, and now it would be just few hours left. I was getting nervous and scare as the pain was stronger and stronger.
At 17.30, the water broke. It means that delivery was very near. The nurses checked and it was 7th stage. They hurrily prepared the delivery room and moved me there. Le husband came with me.
I could remember well how hard to endure the pain. As the stage kept going up, the cramp was getting painful. I think painful sounds too easy. It was true that people said that nothing hurt more than what a woman feels during delivery.
In the delivery room, we had to wait until it was the time to push the baby out. Remembering that time, I am speechless. I just squeeze le husband’s and the nurse’s shirt when the cramp came. Squeezed it like I could tear it.
It took me quite sometimes until I succeed to push the baby out. All people there kept encouraging me to push harder, until at one moment I was almost give up.
It was truly truly painful.
It was at 19.35, Thursday night on 27 November 2014 when Langit Senja Almakirana came. No further explanation.
You know what, my mum left on the last Friday of November 2 years ago. Langit came on the last Friday of November 2 years later. She was truly a gift from up there.
All these process that I’d been through, I realized that we had nothing to do for the result. All we have to do is just doing our best. What happened on that Thursday was beyond my best expectation.
Worry about have c-sect? Not happened.
It usually takes longer for the first child. Two days even some of them have to endure the pain in a week or two. Me? 6 hours.
Worry about how we pay the hospital bill if there’s something wrong? All the doctors who helped the delivery didn’t charge their service at all,even the room. Grace á le husband as fellow doctor.
Me having a wishful thinking that Allah would allow her to come on Friday? Checked, checked, checked. Subhanallah.
Worry how when she came in the morning,night, or even a bright day? It doesn’t fit the name we prepared for her. But, she came very close to it. So, Langit Senja it is.
But, all those things didn’t happen freely. My delivery was quick much more because I’d been moving and doing a lot at home. I cleaned up the bathroom on Monday, brushed the floor while sitting on the chair.
She came on Thursday night (in Islam, a day starts after maghrib.So, thursday night is officially Friday) much more because I read Surah Yassin on the few last months of pregnancy every Thursday night.
I don’t write this to show off anything. But, I truly believed, everything happened above were nothing about coincidence. There were a result of something.
So, dear Langit, may you always be protected and blessed in your entire life. Welcome, my little princess:)
The last day of my 20’s.
I am having a new number insya Allah in few hours. How does it feel?
To be honest,
It is scary.
It has been great along these 10 years. People say that 30’s will be more exciting. I hope mine will be too. But, I will start the new phase by having the most important role as a human. A mother. That what scares me most, I think.
Not to say I am not happy or grateful. Maybe I think about this too seriously. But then, who is not?
Having a child is like a lifetime job that you are never be able to resign. Since the due date is getting closer (I am currently in my 32 weeks), I have more doubts and anxieties about this. There are too many and I can’t even elaborate.
I just have my faith in me that helps me a lot to carry on. The faith and my belief that I will never be alone to go through everything.
No matter how rough the road ahead, there will be one thing that always be near with me. One that is the help of all affairs.
Laa haula wa la quwwata illa billah.
I recite this one sentence very often along these months..
Well, welcome aboard, three-O:)
Whaaa, it’s been quite a while since my last writing. Been quite busy these days.
My sister is getting married next month insya Allah. The most sad news came from a very best friend whose wedding was cancelled,right 3 weeks before the date. Truly heart breaking. But,then, may Allah give her strength and replace it for someone better in the near future. Amin.
We had our first anniversary last December. Alhamdulillah. Hope we’re looking for more more years to count. Amin.
I’ll turn 30 by this October insya Allah. Long ago, 30 seems soo old and far. And now, I am counting just other few moments to it. As stated in my previous post, I have no regrets in these past 10 years of my 20s. I almost had all what I have been dreaming of. Altough the lost I had can be considered pretty enormous too, but it still truly one of the best decade of my lifetime.
To add all those blessing, Allah sent me, or us,another present. Yes, Alhamdulillah a little us is on her/his way. A baby to be insya Allah. It’s still early. We’d just known it last week, on April 24 and haven’t checked it to the doctor yet.
To be able to reach this point, I just want to be grateful and more more grateful in the future. May Allah keeps everyone’s health, make it easier for all affairs, bestow us with His blessing all the way. Amin.
So,maybe more (baby) stories to come later then;)
I’d been planning to go for Hajj in 2003. Right after I went for Umra with my family. First Umra.
I started saving since then. Luckily, I got my first job 6 months after that, so I could regularly saving.
I registered on December 2008, then 2 weeks later, my mum did it too. It was predicted that we would go in 2012. But, it turned out that our numbers listed in 2011. At that time, I was still in KL and my mum was in France. So, we deferred it until the next year.
I called it as my greatest trip for so many reasons. It is because the Hajj itself, which is great, and many circumstances that happened related to this. A week before we departed, things changed. There was a possibility that I would go by my self because my mum was not in good condition. She might go, and allowed to, but the doctoe suggested that she’d better stay. She decided not to go on Wednesday, while we departed on Friday, 19th October. Then, Thursday morning she changed her mind. She repacked her luggage and felt so sure about going there.
We departed to the Hajj dorm on Friday morning from Istiqlal. We stayed there until midnight then we went to the airport. Our flight departed at 5.45, Jakarta time and arrived at Holy Mecca at 11.45. It was such a long journey. It felt longer when your travel partner was not in good condition. I kept worrying about my mum. She could not sit for long period because of her stomach. It was aching all the time.
The stress continued after we arrived at Hajj airport, queueing in immigration, waiting for our luggage, taking a bath and miqot in the airport, waiting for another departure to the apartment,and so many more. After waiting for 4 hours, we got on our bus, which was non-air conditioner, and that 5-hours seemed much longer while my mum was sweating all along the journey. It was so heart-breaking to see her like that.
Hajj AirportWe managed to get our room early so she could have a rest first before we did the umra. We went to Masjidil Haram at 9 pm, by walk. I’d just visited the Mosque in 2010, but still, having this by my eyes once more never failed to make me shiver. It was so crowded. We parted from the group, so we finished Thawaf, Sa’i, and Tahalul only with other two members. We went back to apartment at 3.30 am. It was so tiring.
Holy Ka’bahSince Wukuf was only two days away, so we just stayed in our apartment, recharging the condition from the fatigues, preparing for the main Hajj rituals in 5 days ahead.
Wukuf started on 9 Dzulhijjah, or 25 october 2012. We arrived in Arafah a previous day after Maghrib. We stayed in tents together with all of Pilgrims all over the world. It started after Dzuhur until the sun set.
After Maghrib, we proceed to Muzdalifah for Mabit before staying in Mina for three days. In Muzdalifah we just stayed for few hours, collecting stones for Jumrah, and having light sleep above the rocky hill while waiting for midnight to go to Mina. Until there, I felt the rituals were nothing hard, but, the waiting, the queuing for everything, those were so tiring.
While I kept fighting to get the best spot in the bus, tent, or everywhere so my mum felt comfortable. I knew she was bearing so much pain, got her comfortable places everywhere we go, was the least that i could do for her. I prepared every small things that could help her feel more comfortable. I had hot water in my thermos, hot tea, dates, and biscuits in my backpack.
Mabit in MuzdalifahWe arrived in Mina at 2.30 am and then prepared for Jumroh Aqobah. This time, my mum didn’t go, because I could do that for her. We should walk about 6 km return to reach the place. But, Alhamdulillah, I was able to finish it. Mina was very hot. It was almost 50 celsius degree. The bathroom was so terrible, that was the hardest part of all Hajj rituals. Once again, not the rituals, but all the process in doing that.
Tents in Mina
Mina’s TunnelWe managed to return to mecca after the three days, or we followed ‘Nafar Awal’. How we returned to mecca could be another long story since it was kind of mess. The leader said that he already booked the bus, but it turned out that the bus couldn’t come. So, we had to walk for about 1,5 kilometers. It was fine for me, or others, but not my mum and elderly ones. Once again, i kept trying to talk to the leader to get the bus available as soon as possible, before the sun rises high. I kept insisting him, nagging, while others might think ‘what a fussy little girl’ and told me to be patient as if it was a trial in our Hajj. They could say that since they were not having their sick mum with them. I believe, if they did, they would do the same. Moreover, why bother, in the end, they were so grateful that I was being noisy. Because of that, we got the bus, and arrived in our apartment before the traffic stuck just an hour later. Stuck until midnight.
Normal traffic in our apartmentCompare to this on that day
Stuck from morning til midnightWe finished all the Hajj rituals on the next day by doing Thawaf Ifadah and Sa’i. This time, we just did it by ourselves. Mecca, especially Ka’bah was incredibly full. So crowded. But, alhamdulillah, we did our thawaf on the first floor, slowly. We finished Thawaf and Sa’i altogether within approximately 4,5 hours. Since my mum had to do it slowly and we stopped quite often, to drink and have a rest. If I reflected back, it was truly a miracle that we managed to complete our Hajj, with my mum condition. So, it only by Allah’s power we were able to do it. La Haula Wa La Quwwata Illah Billah.
The next days, I had a routine to wake up at 2.30 for preparing early breakfast for both of us. After having shower, then we went to the mosque for Tahajjud and Shubuh prayer. For few first days, my mum was able to follow it. Then, it became tiring for her. So, later, I just went there with Mbak Eni, my roommate and her mum. Since, I didn’t go with my mum, it was easier for me to find a spot for shalat. I stayed there until dhuha. I did Thawaf between subuh and dhuha, alone. That was one of my best me-time moments there. I circled the Ka’bah by my speed, prayed as much as i could, enjoying zam-zam after praying in Multazam and Maqom Ibrahim.
I returned to the apartment about 9 am. Bought nasi briyani nearby the apt for the brunch. Waiting for zuhur, I usually cleaned-up or washed the clothes. I did Zuhur and Ashar at home, then prepared for Maghrib and Isya at mosque.
So it run for 2 weeks there. But, then, I got another hard lesson there. That we could only truly have a plan, but, not decided whether it happened as we planned it or not. My mum was not getting any better. Then, in one afternoon, my father proposed to her to went home early. At first, she refused it. But, then, she finally agreed. It was something that hit me hard.
I thought only she would return, and I proceeded. Then, It wasn’t. My father asked me to join her. I just saw the text after having thawaf. I saw there were few missed-calls from him and a text. Asked me to go home too. I was in a complete silence for some times after reading it. Then the phone rang, my father talked to me. I was crying hard for minutes after hung up the phone.
I was crying inside the mosque. It was so silent and quiet, so I could cry peacefully. I remembered it was just less than an hour ago I prayed in my Thawaf that may Allah gave me a wider heart to accept all the things that He put in my life, all circumstances, good and bad. Then, without waiting too long, He gave me what I prayed for.
He gave me directly the thing that forced me to have this ‘ikhlas’. Instead of proceeding the Hajj to Madina, I had to go back to Jakarta. He fulfilled my wish to go Hajj before married, but, what I didn’t expect, It was how I had it fulfilled. Finished the main Hajj rituals, without visiting Madina and The Prophet. I accepted it quite slowly. Couldn’t help crying for it. Regretted it.
The next days the attention split between the preparation of going home while using my last minutes visiting the mosque and Ka’bah. I was busy going here and there to get all the documents needed because our case kind of abnormal. Returning early only feasible for those who were really sick according to doctor’s recommendation. But, my mum never visited any, because she didn’t want to. Fortunately, bless my father, the general director of Hajj affair was his colleague in Lemhanas. So, it made everything easier.
We had our Thawaf Wada (last Thawaf before leaving Mecca) on Saturday morning. That was the saddest moment of my Hajj. We did it slowly. She insisted to walk instead of wheel-chairing. She said that if it was her last being here, she wanted to do it properly, the best she could. It was very sad since it was truly her last:((
We stopped for a rest few times. We were so relieve when we finally managed to finish it. After praying for the last time in Multazam, suddenly she came to me and hugged me while saying, “Maafin ibu ya. Insya Allah nanti kamu kesini lagi sama suami kamu”. I didn’t want to translate it. That was the most emotional moment I’ve ever had. My mum hugged me in front of Ka’bah for the last time. I just realized that was her last hug too for me:'(
According to the plan, we would move to other group flight from Solo, because we didn’t get direct flight to Jakarta. So, our journey would be longer since we had to go to Jeddah first, stayed for one night, then proceeded to Solo, then to Jakarta. I couldn’t help feeling so worry remembering how far the journey would be and whether my mum would be able to make it. We were gonna spend so many hours on the plan, sitting, which was a big problem for her.
But, alhamdulillah, everything went well. Not that well, but we could go through it. No one could ever imagine what we had been going through. From Saturday until Thursday, when we finally arrived home. It was the longest 5 days I’ve ever felt.
My mum being hospitalized two days after. We supposed to go home from Hajj on November, 30th. But, the reality said that we went home 15 days earlier, but, my mum truly ‘went home’ at November, 30th. The ‘go home’ part was true, only the destination was different.
It’s not easy to finish this writing. It needs two months for me to finish it. I feel that I really to write this as complete as possible. For this was the greatest moment I’ve ever had with the person I love most in the world.
I really don’t know how to start this.
Had my engagement on September,30.
I went for Hajj on October,19.
Returned 15 days earlier without having Arba’in in Madinah. Arrived on 15 November.
Then, I had the biggest loss of lifetime.
I had two before.
My grandma on Friday, 30 March
My uncle on Monday, 16 April
Recently, I lost… my mother.
My beloved mother. Friday, 30 November.
While my wedding is only two weeks away.
It’s …… effingly breaks my heart. like .. I don’t know.
Don’t know that there’s still a life with her gone, forever..
It’s been a month since I finally back here.
For good.
I’ve passed the comprehensive examinations and I’ve got my study status completed with final CGPA 3,89. I’m glad that I graduate with such result, Alhamdulillah..
Ramadhan is here also.
This is the first Ramadhan spent without my beloved grandma. This coming Idul Fitri also will be the first one celebrated without her. I miss her terribly..
Beside as the first, this Ramadhan also might be the last one that I spend, um,,can we say… with my (biological) family?
Cause, if everything is all settled Insya Allah, I will spend the next Idul Fitri with a larger family. The new and extended one.
I feel a bit anxious thinking about that. I don’t know. I don’t know how it feels about spending Idul Fitri with somebody else family, although, it will also become my family. I can’t imagine of not being with my family during that particular day. Really, It gives me some heart-ache.
I know it sounds so shallow or what. But, the closer it is to the big day, I’m getting more afraid. Afraid of so many things.
I’m not the one who really keen on changes.
Yet, this year, I have to keep up with several.
I just only hope and pray that all these changes will lead me to be a better person, better life, and more blessings. Amin..
A Penny for My Pensieve 