Category: Past learning

Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Places, Thoughts

Five Years from London Life: A Lesson on Courage

Posted on by arlanadya

September has been the most bittersweet month of the year since five years ago.

No matter how much I bore people with telling, showing, and doing so, I never get tired of repeating it. I could recycle all the memories thousand times over and over again.

It wasn’t merely about moving to one of the most exciting cities in the world. What I truly admired from us five years ago was courage.

We bravely moved without knowing where to stay, thinking renting a house in London would be as easy as renting in Basura: viewed once, deal, paid. It’s hard to believe that I was so naive, thinking that I just had to make a list of properties and then call the agent once we got there to make appointments, only to find none of those agents returned the calls.

We restarted the search from the beginning and only had a week to find permanent rent. Managed to get two viewing appointments, one of which was clearly a no, which left us with the only option we should take.

The opposite of all searching had been done in an unfamiliar area. The process took many sessions of “what?”, “How?”!!, “Really?! ” for days until the agent safely handed the key to our hand on September 12.

We emptied almost all of our savings just to pay the deposit and first month’s rent.We even borrowed money from my brother’s friend who was doing his Phd in England to pay for it first because we couldn’t open a bank account without a permanent address.

We lived the first month without any salaries other than the cash I had in my wallet, yet we still bravely made a trip and spent half of it calling the bank and the hospital about the salary we hadn’t received cause we couldn’t survive longer days without it.

I thought living recklessly could only belong to the 20s, yet,we did it in the middle of our 30s in a stranger land far away from friends and family.

But then, I always trust Allah highly, confidently and completely. There was no way he made us survived all the pre-departure mess for months only to let us failed miserably in reality.

I often record hard days more than the good ones, privately.It’s just like a library of experiences,feelings, that might be useful for the future.
Whenever I need some insight in the present about how courageous I can be,I always back to September in 2019.

The view of our home on the first night we moved

PS : This writing came up suddenly after another session of flowing tears rewatching Notting Hill. Not sure it was the PMS talking or I just miss London badly.

PS2: If there is another chance to move there once again in the future, will I take it? Then, my answer will be a big, bold no. That was the adventure of a lifetime once and done. Unless, Allah made that the only option.

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

A Long Way for Understanding

Posted on by arlanadya

I received a phone call from my father yesterday. It was just a casual talk until we discussed my brother, who is currently pursuing his doctorate study in Germany, with his family.

They just recently moved after around two years lived apart. I have been so eager for them to reunite as a family, while my dad prefers that he stays there alone until he finishes his studies, without too many distractions.

This is a topic that we often discuss over and over again, and always having a debate about our own opinion.

For me, your own family is not a distraction. How come? From what I see from his videos, his life is much better with his family around. He has two uber-cute toddlers and baby daughters whose laughter is so contagious , and even for me, who is only listening to them, it makes me happy.

Having them around might be more challenging, but so what? That is his responsibility as a father. Being an adult means having multiple roles that you should figure out how to deal with, and being a man to your wife and a dad to your kids should be the top priority.

I am thrilled that they finally moved in together. Such a critical and golden period of his marriage and child-rearing experience is too precious to be wasted for just a title behind his name.

While my father thinks the opposite, it’s essential to focus so he can finish his studies soon. His wife and children could wait here, and his wife could keep working because money is vital, too. Besides that, help is widely available here. Most of everything that they need is easy to get. He said that they could go there for just a holiday.

Then I realized where this came from.

That was precisely what my father did when he pursued his master’s degree around 30 years ago. He went alone and left my late mom with the three kids to take care of. My mom could keep working, too, because I was sure money was tight then. They thought bringing the whole family there was only a year and not worth the hassle.

We visited him during summer break for a month. When I looked back, I loved a month spent there. I wish we could stay there together. That was also the starting point when I learned English and had the idea of living abroad. I kept repeating and remembering that month, and it quickly became one of the best core memories of my childhood. I wrote this twelve years ago, eighteen years after that event happened, still with that high excitement.

While my father’s opinion came from his experience, so did mine. When a chance to move to London came for my own family, we didn’t think twice to move together, despite all the hassles, money and energy spent. It was also only for a year initially.

Then, when we moved to London, it was hard. All the preparations until the departure, the first two months there, were far from easy. But, there is no single thing I (we) regretted doing. Life in London was one of the happiest moments in my life personally and as a family. I believe that is also the case for my daughter and the doctor.

Although I couldn’t push my opinion on anyone, things important to me might not be necessary to someone else; I hope my brother follows more of my path than his father. They are still indecisive about staying and prolonging their residence permit, which will expire in August. Two days after I arrived, he called me and said they seriously considered only staying for three months and returning to ‘normal life.’ Two days after arriving. Imagined how long my lecture had been at that time😂

Besides nagging him on WhatsApp, I’ll add them to my prayers, too, so Allah will show them the right way as a family. Amiin.

I read a line while reading Harari’s Homo Deus yesterday that said :

Studying history will not tell us what to choose, but at least it gives us more options.

This is the best reason to learn history: not in order to predict the future, but to free yourself of the past and imagine alternative destinies. Of course this is not total freedom – we cannot avoid being shaped by the past. But some freedom is better than none.

I think those lines also applicable for personal life.

(I see some hope. As this writing was published, he sent me a text with scooter and push bike picture).

Posted in Favorite things, Past learning, Thoughts

Different Ramadan Experiences

Posted on by arlanadya

Ramadan has always been an intense reflection period personally.

It allows more silence during the day where my mind wanders to many things that I have been going through and how much things have changed.

Comparing the different experiences of Ramadan when I was little and with what my daughter has today is one of them .

Looking back, the kind of Ramadan that I had during childhood was very much outdoor. Subuh at the mosque after sahur with the neighboor friends followed by playing outside before it was time to go to school, riding a bike around the block before iftar, then tarawih prayer at the mosque again after dinner.

While this little girl spent so much of her time indoor. Including the Ramadan. She fasts well and properly already. Wake up sahur easily, no hungry nagging along the day, having iftar eagerly, then tarawih together at home.

Growing up without siblings (and children of her age around the neighborhood) has its own disadvantages indeed. But, it is what it is.

During the fast, she keeps doing her activities as usual including physical training with her coach and soon swimming will resume. At home, she has few chores that she has to do like unloading the dishwasher and put back all the kitchen and eating utensils to where they belong. She also has to make some simple dessert for iftar.

Not only at home, we also totally have different Ramadan experiences at school. I went to a private Islamic school where Ramadan was celebrated loudly and merrily. I really really loved Ramadan vibes at school. It was one of the most wonderful times during my childhood.

For the little girl, she goes to a private general school. Although Islam is still the majority there, there’s no spesific celebration for particular religious events since it’s not a religious school.

The decision to send her to a non-religious school surprised me too, who had planned a long time ago about a school she would attend. But doesn’t life rarely go according to plan? Things happened, life course changed its direction, so we just need to adapt and adjust the plan.

For her to learn about her religion is the top priority for me. So, instead of fully outsourcing the religious education to the school, we take the responsibility. She’s been learning with a private teacher twice weekly at 5.30 am to learn the Quran, fiqh, and many more. For the other days, she is doing it with me.

This is another difference too. While I only learned the Quran at school when there was a lesson in the timetable and once a week with a teacher at home who my parents hired, she learns and reads the Quran every day, without excuse. It’s a compulsory routine to start her day.

No wonder, up until the third grade, she had memorized more surahs than I had ever done in 9 years of attending an Islamic school. This hit me hard. Of course, it is good that my daughter is doing better than me, but, shouldn’t us parents set an example too? Thus, I searched and have been learning with another teacher too since last more than a year ago to catch up with her. How could I correct and teach her when I don’t even know the surahs she memorized at all?

I guess educating a child is quite simple. You don’t have to teach her anything. You have to show and set an example for yourself. Anything, any skills, any values, that we want the child to acquires, do and practice it first ourselves. They will follow, most of the time.

It’s simple that’s why it’s hard. Because, nothing harder than changing and educating yourself.

In the end, whatever different Ramadan experiences she and I have, I hope Ramadan will always be a delightful time of the year, too, for her, as it has always been for me.

Amin.

Library, 8 Ramadan 1445H.

Posted in Books, Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

Tell, Life Will Show How

Posted on by arlanadya

You tell life what you want, and life tells you how to get it. When you ask for soulmate love, you must listen if life says, but not with them. When you ask for prosperity, you must listen if life says, but not like this.

When you ask for belonging, you must listen if life says, but not here. What feels on the surface like rejection is often redi-rection. When you ask for a big life, you cannot keep fighting for a smaller one to stay.

That is a page from Brianna Wiest’s Pivot Year.

This page reminded me of one day in 2022.
It was only few days after Ramadan ended.

Ramadan that year spent by going around the town, did tens of viewing almost every weekend, while fasting. The initial plan was gathering information and see the available option that we could afford in few years time. Not buying.

Little did we know that was the beginning of long journey. In one of the viewings, the agent said she had another house that wasn’t really good but it was in a quite good location. We agreed to see it first.

We fell for it right away.
It was Saturday and on Sunday morning we came again with an architect I found on the internet just within few hours who could come, see and made a budget plan how much needed to rebuild this house.

From just looking around to really buying? I even thought it was kind a reckless. We also had a zoom meeting with our financial planner to check whether we could really afford it at that time. He said, by numbers, it should be okay.

We paid the down payment too that day. As a newbie, we didn’t know a down payment could be just a small amount. We paid 10 times as requested by the owner. Looking back, it felt like a head over heels teenager in love.

Those things happened in few hours. Then, what did we do on the same day? We returned to the house at night. Just wanted to see how it felt during the night.

Although I know it by heart already, still I forgot, when it’s easy then it must be fishy.

The process kept going until at certain point, it started to fall apart. Not here, life said. But, the heartache of letting go something you really wanted was quite real.

If you think the heartache was only on us, it wasn’t. It took the agent for a while to recover of what she lost when everything seemed so close. She kept texting for many other options that might interest us.

Refused to move on for a while, until I bumped into another advertisement that lead to where we are right now.

The process hadn’t been smooth from the very beginning. There was always something that made us wait, which finally felt right.

Indeed, a delay in your plan is always Allah’s protection.

5 Ramadan 1445 H

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Culture Shock and Home Design

Posted on by arlanadya

Other than the honeymoon period, what I (and we) am currently experiencing in the new home more is actually a culture shock. I thought that should be something I would experience from moving back to this city after spent some years abroad.

I was (alhamdulillah) wrong. That moving was actually quite smooth and seamless. Later I knew, we moved to pretty similar, or even better environment than what we had in London. London is nice and great, but, Casa Grande is much nicer and better (a fact).

The real culture shock is actually moving down from the sky back to the earth. Moving from where it was mostly peaceful and quiet to a louder place where you can hear everything during the day. Moving from where everything is at your doorstep to somewhere less easier. Moving from places with no house bugs to a place where you can see them daily. It might sound silly but it’s true.

It feels like moving from Singapore where everything is well-organized, clean; fast, and easy, to somewhere more chaotic and the opposite of all those adjectives.

Despite the shock experienced, we design the home according to our life culture that we have lived along these years and it works well, Alhamdulillah.

For me, a house should not be built based on the inspiration we see on the internet but, based on how a family works. A home is where family habits take place. A home is one’s family way of life. A beautiful home decor is useless when it’s not functional. Building a home should start from knowing yourself and the people who live there.

All homes we have lived for the past 7 years have similarities : everything inside the house is near, which is a translation of small. Basically it’s just one floor house with a huge common room which becomes the centre of our activities. We rarely spend time in the bedroom. I forbid the little girl to ‘play’ in bed or hang out in her bedroom most of the time. Thus, what we have is a big common room with small bedrooms and nearby bathrooms.

An idea to have a camouflage door came when I saw the design offered by the architect and thought a camouflage door displayed as a bookshelf is more useful than a mere sliding door. Again, function first. Glad it turned out beautiful too.

One of the reasons to put a study/library in the public area instead of the private one because she has few online sessions and I want to be able to hear what she has while doing some other things either in the kitchen or living room.

For the prayer room, we always pray in a space where we gather, but in a specific spot. I learned this by observing my childhood home. We have a specific prayer area on the second floor. At first, everyone went there during prayer time. But, as time went by, it wasn’t really convenient to climb up the stairs every prayer time and all of us started praying in our own room. Most of the time, prayer room is only operated when guests were coming.

I don’t want that. I want where we pray is an easily accessible dedicated spot on the center of the house. Praying together is a family thing so it should be in a place where we do most of our family thing. I want everytime I pray, it has to have the best view, near water station, and Quran shelf is reached easily. Our praying space has our vertical garden view which is really nice and it indirectly makes me want to stay longer in the praying mat because of such enjoyable view.

When most homes place their piano in the living room, we place the piano in one secluded room with sound proof so it wouldn’t bother the neighbors outside and any other activities that we want to do inside. Piano is not a centre of our life, but praying is.

Well, I hope the honeymoon period last longer and the culture shock won’t. Amin.-

Posted in Langit Senja, Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

On DLD 2023 Day

Posted on by arlanadya

On today’s Developmental Language Disorder day, instead of talking about the old story about how DLD diagnosis changed everything,, I want to talk about this one.

Love these two so much!

This Young Sheldon show is one with many great parenting insights.

One thing that makes it so relatable is because I am raising one whose first diagnosis was DLD which just happened to be as a door opener for many things to come.

I couldn’t helping laughing all through season 1 since they described well how it looked living with my own daughter, while I have been weeping a lot all through season 2 with so many punches given on the heart in every eps.

My daughter is nothing compared to Sheldon in term of brain intelligence, but, I could feel the parent’s frustration of how to deal with this kind of kid when you know nothing about them, when it doesn’t fit the parenting knowledge that you know, when you have to beat your ego in so many situations because it won’t work with this kind of kid. They know much more than you in many things. Their brain doesn’t work like ordinary people do.

But, on the other hand, they also know so little about how human works in general. Understanding human is difficult. Kids like them are having hard time to understand the grey area,for them it’s always black and white.

They might look like any other kids outside, but, it takes a lot of deep breath to deal with them in daily basis, just like what Mary and George experienced.

We’re keeping therapy sessions up until now, even double it, (if not plan to triple it),not to make her as normal as possible, but to help us teach her many things that we couldn’t.

Another thing that is so relatable about this show is both are beyond privilege. L&S are having a family which accepts them just the way they are and get all the support needed to be themselves. Have encountered many kids whose parents give up on them once they received the diagnosis. As much I understand how hard it is to accept the reality, but, giving up on our kid should’ve never been an option.

With or without diagnosis, every kid comes with their own intelligence. Like Missy, my most favorite character, whose intelligence I wish my daughter to possess and keep training her for that.

Happy DLD DAY!

Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Places, Thoughts, Travel

20 Years Later and 357 Kilometers

Posted on by arlanadya

It was quite loud last weekend.

On Saturday, I attended my high school reunion. Although I only stayed for a few hours, I was pretty happy I decided to come. Unlike some people who consider high school the best time of our lives, for me, it was just okay and full of pressure here and there. It is not about social anxiety but more about the academic one.

The best year was the last year of high school when I finally met a tribe with whom I could form lifelong friendships until now. One of these guys called us ‘a bunch of social misfits,’ I have been the organiser of almost every rendezvous we had for the past 20 years and the admin of our chat group. I am passionate about this misfit group, or am I just the most misfit among the misfits?😄

I have a small circle and a few close friends. I never feel comfortable being around a massive group of people. People always make me nervous. But, with these misfits, it has been 20 years of enjoyable ride. I write about them often and the latest one was here.

Back to the reunion, the most comment given that day to me was, “you don’t change at all!”, I have been thinking until I decided to write this here, is it meant to be an insult or a compliment?😂

It is almost impossible not to change at all in twenty years. Too many circumstances happen in one’s life within that long period. But of course, they didn’t know anything about what happened inside, so I guess to have some comments about how your outer appearance is unchanged after 20 years, I’ll take such a compliment gratefully.

On Sunday, we had a road trip to the doctor’s home town to visit his family.

Sixteen hours of road trip to the long lost hometown.

I came up with this idea on a Friday morning when my mother in law told the news of the passing of her sister-in-law in my late father-in-law’s hometown.

I knew she might want to visit the family there, but she obviously couldn’t go there alone, and since it was sudden, it was pretty hard for everyone to make time, including us.

But it was too disturbing to let this slide without doing anything. I calculated the rough estimation costs to go there before I proposed the idea, first to his son then his mother.

When I calculated the costs, it turned out more extensive than I expected for a day trip. But, when travelling, I always zoom out whenever the numbers speak.

Is it worth the hassle to make this happen?
Which one will you regret more later? Spending such an amount of money or losing the chance that might not come twice.
Who will benefit from this trip other than the main character?
Usually, when the answer include the little girl, that is one huge determining factor.

For this trip, all those questions answered with clear answers.

Taking my mother-in-law to give her condolence in person matters.
Taking the little girl for the first time to one of her roots matters, and it has been a while since the last time her father set foot there.

Me? I am never a fan of road trips, and so glad Mudik wasn’t part of my childhood. Trapped in the car for hours, the anxiety and insecurity watching the speedy driving throughout the trip (or the frustration of dealing with traffic), the countless drinks shown with all the tumblrs were out on duty yesterday, and many more.

It was a huge help when the road trip wasn’t loud and packed. It reduced a lot of tension.

Alhamdulillah, we got it ‘easy’ for this trip and all the good intentions were well delivered.

Visiting both her father hometown to Solo and Pekalongan checked.

The next ones should be visiting both her mother which obviously couldn’t be done with a road trip.

Senja in a rest areaw
Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

The Importance of History

Posted on by arlanadya

My mother was once very poor until she had to live for several years on the back part of her cousin’s house.

She told me how she had to watch how her cousins had a lot of beautiful shoes that she really wanted while she only got this one pair which she had to fix it with nails whenever the soles were broken.

When I was little, I remembered had quite pairs of leather shoes which models were unique while she had also some pairs with different colors.

She was indeed a strong-willed one, had goals in life and be focused on achieving all of them. I am quite lucky she inherited those traits to me.

Among six, she was the only one who managed to finish her college, went abroad and traveled to many places. She repeated that story continuously, but I considered it just a story that was quite hard to relate since it was totally far from my reality.

After the little girl came, all those words cameback to me. I finally realized how much work had done by previous generations so the current one could enjoy a better start in life.

In raising a child and achieving anything, money makes things easier. But, its function stopped there.

We need time and energy. Without time and energy, money alone won’t take you anywhere.

It became clear how significant the privileges passed from her grandparents could do in raising her.
The privileges here aren’t about money or material possessions.
There are some privileges that parent unconsciously (or intentionally) give to their children like :

  • habit
  • mindset
  • lifestyle

No child has the same parents although they come from the same parents. What one child remembered about their parents could be totally different from the others. Thus, the privileges inherited also different.

My mother and her siblings were the real proof. None of her siblings could have half of what she achieved. Among five, only one managed to finish college. The four left don’t live much differently than they have been since many years ago

Been having a conclusion for a while that a child is actually the product of their grandparents parenting, UNLESS, the parents make significant changes, good or bad. This was what my mom did.

She refused to continue living the same way so that was why she planned almost everything in her life to be at the better place than she was before.

There’s also the saying “if you fail to educate your children, you’ll end up raising you grandchildren” which rings true. Her sister up until her old age is busy raising her grandchildren.

The saying from zero to hero back to zero in three generations is not a myth. It might hard to believe when I heard that my mother’s grandfather was one of the richest men in his hometown. By the third generation, not much left. Look what happened to his granddaughter.

Maybe this is why you should talk a lot to your children. You never know where the influence of your words stop. It’s also quite important to learn about your family history. So the past mistakes could be avoided at all cost.

When you inherited good privileges, it’s a strong reason for not being lazy and throw away those hard-earned privileges. It should be passed on to the next generation.

The future life won’t be any easier so there’s no reason to make a child life easy. What they enjoy now is not something that they should take for granted. They might have a completely different reality for their own life later, which we surely want it to be a better one, don’t we?

Thus, there’s no shortcut other than to do the works. It’s truly the parents job to prepare them, for them to be able to live on their own.

Make them work hard, doing daily habit until it becomes part of them that no one couldn’t take, set the standard to do things in life, and many more.

If only we know how little time we have to prepare them for everything to deal with their own life later.

Keep climbing is not an option, it’s an obligation.

An opening post for a self reminder for not being complacent to deal whatever I have to do with little girl.

A line that I regularly tell her :

“Be focused now. Being poor is not an option”.

Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

A Ten Year Marker

Posted on by arlanadya

I entered this year with much heavier heart than two previous years. This year becomes a ten year marker from the incredible 2012.

Looking back to many things that happened ten years ago, I am still trembling remembering how I went through month by month of 2012.

I entered that year with high level of confidence and excitement until I thought at certain point, I forgot to realize human could only plan, but, we had no slightest control for the end result. We had the right to fight and make our dreams come true, but not how the way it came true.

Every single dreams granted, according to Him. Not according to what I imagined. In 2012, I felt like being dragged to the lowest point to show me who got the highest control of my life.

Three grand things granted yet three VIPSs taken. Losing three closest family members from mother’s side, accomplished two 20s big dreams and a life changing milestone, all within a year.

Apart from the big news, there were countless little (heart-breaking) moments in between.

The first residency exam failure, a longer distance relationship while preparing the wedding within months. From KL-Jkt, to JKT-Borneo, Mecca-JKT until the very last minutes. I even thought whether we really could make it until the big day with so many episodes dealing with dramas here and there. It felt surreal having bendera kuning (yellow flag as a sign of death) just two weeks before putting the janur kuning (yellow plant as a sign of a wedding) at my dad’s home.

Usually, what makes me survive hardships is the thought “when things already on its worst shape, then it will only get better.

But, it didn’t applicable in that year. It was like moving from one bad circumstance to another. There was break in between, but until the very end of the year, the heart had been so overwhelmed and overworked dealing with grieves, dissapointment, fear, and high level of anxiety.

It felt surreal to experience all the emotions a human could feel in a whole year.

I was and am still more than amazed I could pass such year alive.

Maybe what helped to stay sane at that time was I wrote everything. Certain pain from 2012 lasts till today. No cure for such pain yet, it doesn’t prevent me to keep moving on. Those writings feel like a pain reliever while going on with life. Ten years later, reading all those writings became huge consolations for me.

—————————————

Been through a lot for the past ten years. From the best thing beyond the wildest imagination to the worst thing beyond expectation.

Good to great things that I though could never be mine found their way to greet me in the strangest possible ways. Unbelievably amazing.

Bad to the worst ones that I thought could only exist in fictional stories, also made their way to reach me through the most unexpected way. There were periods when I kept asking what I did to deserve this, but I could hear the answer right away, “Why shouldn’t you?”

These past ten years have been the roller coaster ride for someone who expects life would be as flat as potato chip. Or maybe cassava one.

Going through a lot of things surely contributes to slightly higher level of wisdom, but, the level is only as high as knowing that no matter how bad things seem to be, it won’t make stop the world from spinning.

Your world might be shattered, but life will keep going as if nothing happens. Life doesn’t care about your opinion.

It feels easy when we see it easy, yet it is messy when we want it to be messy. Our choice.

These past ten years make me fully realize you’re mostly on your own. Whatever happens to you, you have to deal with them on your own. Nothing and no one could help without yourself doing, fixing, and figuring out yourself how to deal with everything.

Again, it’s actually good news knowing it depends on no one but ourselves as well as bad news that we’re the one who should do the dirty works.

Staying sane in adulthood is a tough job indeed.

———————————————-

This year might not as ‘tough’ as it was ten years ago. But, the anxiety felt was pretty much the same, only in another department. Started the year with the biggest turmoil in the small business so far. Days felt like weeks. Woke up each day with heavy breathing, went through it by waiting for the progress, no matter how small. It went well at the end, with certain price.

Following months were not better. Another anxiety followed about how to keep to cut someone from the bussiness. It had dragged too much already because I was too lazy and afraid thinking what I would do without the longest person stayed that knew everything about running the store. Thing kept getting worse and on a Tuesday night, I pull the trigger and did the shot.

What a relief.

Done? Ho ho ho.

Then, months of headaches continued. Started rearranging everything with the old and newcomers. As first it was fine. Until the last old one who already stayed also handed in his resignation request a month after.

I had no tears left.

Five years from starting the small business, it was as if we started from zero once again. With all new members who were only no less than three months.

Show must go on.

Again, days felt like years this time. I kept waking up thinking “let’s get through this” day by day. Mistakes happened not twice a year, but twice a week. I was fully responsible here.

I am not one who stays all through the day, seven days a week. The answer because of what written here. Couldn’t do two full time jobs at once.

Before pandemic, I have done remote working and it works so far, not extremely well, but it works. I even ran it from 11.000 km away. My instructions were to the tiniest details.

Having all new members at once gave me daily headaches. For three months, I was dealing with nonstop complaints until I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

But, good thing is, I rarely quit when things get hard. It gives me more reason to keep going until it feels easy.

Slowly, things got better. Suddenly, the peaceful days return with minor and not much harm mistakes along the way. Alhamdulillah.

That when personal life took its turn with my dad in law sudden decline and passing. I might be just a daughter in law, but it took me sometime until I feel it’s real that he’s no longer with us.

Of course, it’s not all low this year.

Celebrating eight years working as a mother, ten years surviving life together, Moving to a new place, The trips done, the papers signed, ticked off two biggest family plans after massive savings for the past two years thanks to pandemic which makes traveling less tempting.

For all those things granted, Alhamdulillah spelled countlessly.

I have been thinking passing 2012 safely was an achievement to be proud of, guess I would say all the same for 2022.

Bismillah for the next 365 days ahead.

Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

Two Decades

Posted on by arlanadya

Two high schoolers met in 2002 without knowing the dramas they would face for the next ten years ahead.

Fast forward ⏩

Two years of preparations while doing multiple long distance, among three griefs and countless setbacks throughout the year, it felt surreal to finally sign the paper at the end of 2012.

Both were jobless.One just finished master degree, the other one freshly enrolled to residency. Near zero saving à grace the wedding.

But, that didn’t stop her making an excel sheet for the wedding money. Made a report and returned 20% of it to both parents. Shared 30% to other family members.

The rest 50% went to them.
Instead of using everything, put 80% of it to the untouchable instrument and tried to survive few first months with the last 20% while looking for other streams.

Downgraded everything. The resident had been driving a car around since high school. Being married made him walking and riding angkot as early as 5 am, as late as 12 am. Ojek was out of budget.

Signed the paper meant agreed to two new roles : a wife and a breadwinner, didn’t prepare for an additional one. Mother left just two weeks before the wedding and took over her responsibilites at home was unavoidable.

Been working for 10 years before marriage and knew exactly what number is sufficient. What needed at that time was time and space to stay sane and just ‘enough’ money to support this family.

Secured one job with flexible schedule and looked for another to support the resident.

Once so close signing with another work who accepted her T&C. Before the pen touched the paper, saw a little important detail that had been discussed missing. Said they would fix it after signing. Closed the pen and left.

Being penniless doesn’t mean no choices. It’s just limited. This too shall pass spelt continously.

In spite of many things life threw, they survived. Other than many helps from invisible hands, what also helped was both had 80% done with themselves. Did what they wanted to do,went places,not much what-if left.

Low on money but highly self-aware. Financially fragile yet mentally strong to handle the shittiest days.

Those only felt good in memories, not in reality.

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The burden of adulthood is not something one should take lightly. Asking another person to share the burden should be considered carefully, thought repeatedly, and chosen wisely.

Gonna spend most of the lifetime with someone who will decide what life will look like in the next 20,30 years down the line. We’re about to choose the father (or mother) of our child(ren).

Use more of the head more than the heart when it comes to marriage.

Write down everything. Be specific about the non-negotiables. Don’t compromise. Do the math. Take your time. Discuss everything. Make sure the values aligned.

Ask in details to The One who grants all the request. He granted even a wish as simple as “I dont want any sister-in-law (sister from the husband)”.
No pray is silly enough.

Not much could be said once one entered the jungle other than good luck and lower the expectations.

Done? Lower some more. Expect (and always be prepared for )the worst. A human heart is not a solid form. It’s more fluid than liquid.

This is so far the highest risk decision made in life.

When all has been done, all requirements met, things still won’t get any easier.

The past ten years were exhausting, heart-breaking,
yet on the other side,
it’s been amazing and exhilarating.Things happened beyond expectations.

Ten years from 2012, we managed to find the way not only to provide ourselves but also for others, to tick each other’s dreams, to raise a human being, to travel to many places, to deal with countless episodes of life challenges and many more.

On this tenth year, we took a small step to execute two biggest family plans thanks to two years of pandemic that made travel less tempting.

You won’t find any sugary words here. But, making me write such a long post with countless editing for weeks, that should explain a lot.

Personally, two decades with any kind of ships with a-previously-stranger is a milestone.

I am grateful (with a pinch of salt and sincere heart) more than any words written here or anywhere that the Boss up there paired me to work, navigate life (up until this point) with this partner I have.

Alhamdulillah for everything.
Bismillah for the third leg, mate!