Another episode where life comes full circle once again after 30 years orbiting the sun.
It returned to the same place and spot, with 30x better quality, be it the picture or the performance. It returned to the same place and same spot with completely new perspective.
Last Sunday wasn’t only about witnessing the 7 year old on the right very first offline performance but also (or more about) witnessing how much that 7 year old on the left has grown.
I owe this place more than I could think of.
I am close to never being envious of someone. But, there are few kind that could give me such feeling. One of them is those who could write beautifully.
The level of envy could make me press a new post button at this hour in the dark after reading that new well-written post.
Her whole blog is amazing. I love how she could elaborate and describe anything with unusual choices of words, putting them together into a long enjoyable writing which is impossible for the reader to skip any single lines.
Her new release once felt so familiar.
The period of early years of marriage until this trip happened was the longest I had been without any single trips. The last greatest trip took place right before the wedding and it became a closure of series of my (and our) traveling days in my (our) 20s.
That four years between 2012-2016 were the period of mundane daily life with full of hardworks. We literally started from zero where both were jobless. One just finished the study while another just enrolled residency.
We got close to zero saving since we used most of our hard-earned money for the certain parts of the wedding, apart from the amount that our parents paid for us.
I didn’t know how the idea came from but, I made an excel file of the list of wedding money we received, reported to our parents and we gave 50% of the total amount to our parents, brothers and sisters, and many relatives, even my long-served ART at home that had helped us to do the wedding.
For those whom we couldn’t give the money, we took them to our favorite seafood restaurant for lunch.
The rest 50%, we saved 80% of it to some instruments that couldn’t be easily accessible and used the last 20% for surviving the first few months until I got a regular job.
We used half of the 80% to pay the first rent for our small business five years ago, the remaining amount is still safely kept until now.
Things were hard on the first year. Losing my mum just two weeks before the wedding made me not only a newlywed but also a new caretaker who took over all my mother’s duties at home, including my father.
When the little girl came on the the second year, it was even harder. There were too many highly stressful days due to exhaustion taking care of so many things and people at home, while being 80% of single parent due to high demand of residency and necessities.
There were days after the emotionally draining feeding battle done three times a day, the rushing from and to workplace and home to make it one time, and the exhaustion after work since instead of proper break, I needed to get the dinner ready for everyone. There were times when I talked to myself, “there should be more life than this”.
It was getting worse when during those years the two brothers got a chance to pursue their higher education abroad. I was happy for them, but, releasing a big sigh was unavoidable too. At that time, I felt there would be no exit and I was gonna stuck there forever.
One of my readings said, “the most interesting about life is where you are is never permanent, be it the high or the low” and it is true.
When Paris finally happened, it felt like I was liberated from something and ‘suddenly’ and ‘strangely’, a new period of life happened.
Seven days spent there became a milestone of our life together and it opened many doors to other places that I could never think of going before. Seven days in Paris set a new tone for traveling, at least for me.
Instead of having post-holiday blues in almost all my 20s trips, where I could barely functioned properly for few days after, I felt so happy to be back home and even worked harder, knowing and thinking, “ah, so that was what all this hard-earned money could do”.
Unpacked all the luggages right away when we arrived at home (literally right away), no matter what time it is, started here. It gave me peace and proper closure that one thing is done and time to resume life again.
Life suddenly became so exciting since I had another mission to do : did some research on affordable tickets to certain places that seemed a good idea for our next trip.
Six months after Paris, London happened. When I thought Paris was crazy, London was even more insane. With all the twists, I wondered how I could endure all those life dramas for a mere 7-days trip.
Life continued giving us more traveling days on the following year. That 2018 marked the most traveling year in our life together. From Bali, Tokyo, Tanah Bumbu and Banjarmasin, Jogja, Surabaya (one of the most pleasant yet not recorded), Solo, and Kuala Lumpur, all happened within short time until I thought, “How could life be this crazy?”.
Turned out the craziness didn’t stop there. Entered the year of 2019 sailed around in Labuan Bajo for five days, then The last tetralogy trip in May, short Eid trip to Solo and finally the big move to London.
Those London days were also full of trips to other cities. When the pandemic began, we just finished having one of the most amazing nature trips we had. Even the capricious 2020 gave us chances to do more travelings to England’s best villages in a quiet and peaceful mode.
Until we returned back home.
Life was slowly heading back to its low-mode. The lockdown, the anxiety of sending the doctor to daily covid battle, the frustration of not being able to go anywhere, The languishing period that felt so suffocating, paralysed by the feeling of missing those London life.
Thankfully, it didn’t stay for long. Daily routines and daily exercise helped a lot. I found new joy in getting on public transportations visiting outdoor parks and playground around the town. Started resuming light travel nearby, did something that we have never done like Glamping and short trip with my father to Bogor.
It seemed nothing compared to what we had before, but they were exciting enough to give the similar gratitude inside.
Up until now, no single proper travel made. But, funnily and strangely, I feel somewhat more secured this way. We have been having regular staycation for two to three days and it felt more than enough.
The daily piano practise becomes something that I am uncomfortable missing for too long. We could do all the daily routines everywhere but not the piano.
I don’t know why for the past one year the FOMO feeling for the piano practise has been stronger than one for traveling.
I wondered once, was it because we had had enough up until 2020? Or am I just getting older and choose having less voluntarily adrenaline rush instead?
It seems so funny that during those years where money and time was pretty limited we had such high spirit and energy, going from one place to another. While now, when we could afford such thing without too much worry financially, we prefer doing, ‘buying’, and saving for something else for the future. I haven’t got that desire to checked the ticket price to anywhere far. But still happy to do that for some light domestic travels.
It’s not that I have no more places I wish to visit, but for now, there are some other things that make me feel ‘happier’ than getting lost in unfamiliar place for more than three days.
It is indeed the sign of getting older.
We checked one of our financial goals last May. Although it is still far away, but one big important step made.
We also currently deal with another huge goals which as usual, full of twists here and there. Our life motto together has been, “it is fishy when it seems too easy”.
Dancing between the high and low is the only thing we could do in this school of life.
Lastly, for making me write such long post within short time is the proof how inspiring the blog I mentioned above.
This year Eid looks new to me. Consciously omitting few major traditions that have been doing for years, mostly because there were kind of Eid that I now.
Maybe this is also part of the consequence of having new Ramadan? This Ramadan was the first time I did few things that I had never done before in terms of my personal relationship with The Creator and with other people.
I usually don’t and rarely break any habits that have been done consistently for a long time. But, this year, I feel like trying to find out how it would be, feel, and look like, to not doing things that had been done for years, no matter how much time and energy consuming they were.
The decision to do things differently didn’t come easily. For the last one week or few days, changing the decision back and forth was unavoidable. As usual, the convo inside the head had been so loud. The battle between to do and not to do was intense. Almost everything won by the opposite of old Eid traditions.
It feels a bit weird, but not bad actually. Unlike few years where I felt sad about having Eid and lost traditions, this year it just feels okay. At least I know, no guilt is present. Not saying doing these make me feel over the moon, but, I could say this works for me. The question whether this would be adopted and become part of Eid tradition, that’s another thing.
Doing this Eid differently reminds me of the quote from Life of Pi that is saying “I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go”.
This year Eid, I choose to let go many of old things that have been holding me tight to the past. I am not sure about saying this is the right thing to do, but somehow, it feels liberating. Knowing I mustered the courage to try, so I know how it feels rather than keep doing the same things and wondering how it would be.
I thought the fact that this year is a ten year marker contributes significantly to the feeling of wanting to have a new Eid. It wasn’t like I forced my self to do this, but more of the curiosity to know how it would feel to let few things go. I want to know.
Ten years from 2012, I chose to let go things (which considered huge and important) like baking and cooking hassles completely and spent the Eid night in a place other than home.
Verdict : no tears shed.
But, I also keep the old one around. The only major thing that I did and think I will always be keeping is the Eid cleaning. Something that makes me always happy having it.
I am actually the only one who is having New Eid. My brother added a new huge role and title called dad, the whole country also celebrates this Eid brand new by resumimg mudik, sholat Eid and family gathering after two years of absence.
The Hermitage quiet living room, 3.30 am, 1 Syawal 1443H.
This overthinking mind has been analyzing what makes things or dreams come true based on observations of life experiences, both from hers and others’. Three of them are on us, but the last one, the most important one, is not.
First thing first, you got to have the MONEY.
Working on three big dreams on my 20s, that was the first time I realized, every efforts that I pour to make those things happened would be useless unless I had the money. I had time to work on them, lots of energy to search things that could helping me to get there, yet, money was the least resources I had. That being said, those offer letters from many universities only became collections and proofs of my efforts. But, it never take me there.
It might be a harsh truth, but first and foremost, no dream would happen until you have enough money (or any source of fund) to achieve that.
Secondly, you have the TIME.
Here’s what followed after money. I agree that time is more precious commodity than money. Having the money without the time, won’t take you anywhere.
Third, ready to give your full ENERGY.
Let say now both things above are secured. Here goes the third layer. I acknowledge this on the last three years staying at home most of the time with the little girl. I have sufficient both the money and time. Then I realized, those two alone are not enough if you want to achieve something. It takes a lot of energy to do the thinking, to use your brain at its maximum capacity so both your precious capitals above would turn into something worthy.
It takes a lot of energy to beat yourself daily, to keep being disciplined on a daily basis, to make your child doing hard things, to not get discouraged by small setbacks, to not get distracted when you see there’s an easier option, to not being muddled in disappointment for too long when things don’t go according to your plan. Having enough money and abundant time won’t take you anywhere without drops of sweat. Having time and money alone are not enough to obtain this rare distinction and such long lists of awards.
That was also happened during planning for my tetralogy Ilana tan trips. The money was there, the time had been set, but, it requires huge amount energy to take us to each city. Hours, day, weeks month spent searching the best options within our means, endless reading and inquiries for making the hard earned money and limited time available spent wisely. Without adequate amount of energy, it would be impossible to achieve that.
Time and money solved half of the problems, but, the energy poured into work is what brings you to the finish line.
Last, but obviously not least, they are written on your DESTINY.
At the end, here comes the most powerful among the four.
I got everything covered and I needed to go to go to Paris during my 20s, yet, I didn’t get there.
I spent four years saving for having 40 days of Hajj in two holy cities, yet, I only spent half of the normal days there and without a chance to visit Madinah.
I chose a song for a piano competition carefully, practised with my hard working, three-time-champions-student for months diligently, yet, the result was among the worst it had ever been in that school competition.
Above and beyond our best efforts, the end result is never ours to decide.
This writing has been running around the head and saved in the draft for many months since last year. Ramadan has always been the best time to release the beasts that have been wandering inside for so long.
Home, 9 Ramadan 1443H
Such an emotional rollercoaster day for the second day of Ramadan.
Little quarrel in the morning.
Then in the afternoon, received an extraordinary exam result after waiting for 1,5 months and felt extremely overwhelmed about that.
For the past 30 years dealing with piano in any kind of situations, maybe today was one of the highlights.
For a student who practices diligently every single day, without any excuse, we expected the little girl to at least get a proper result. But, nothing prepared us for more than proper result…
For her, it seems nothing because she didn’t really bother about that and not yet fully understand what it means.
But for me, it feels like to be finally arrived at one destination that I had been wondering how it would look like, how it would feel to be there, for a very long time.
Went to the same school more than thirty years ago, completed 13 long years of education, not once my final exam result even close to what she got.
Every report card with final exam meeting had been just another tiny disappointment felt at heart, knowing how hard it was for me to get, even least important award available there, for 13 years.
Many things contributed to that of course. I realized how different my situation back then with hers right now.
Yet, Piano is one thing that has been compounding more than I could think of. I had no idea how surviving 13 hard years doing that would give so many returns in many unthinkable forms in my life. Finish what you have started matters. Saying that, I wasn’t even close to a top student. I was one you could find easily from the bottom here.
Reading those papers, I realized how much it took for one little person to achieve such result. It’s not all about her. I wish her to not making a slightest achievement becomes entitlement.
Later, when she’s older, I hope she understands that whatever good things in life that comes to her, it’s not entirely because of her.
It has always been massive collective efforts from many people around her, that crossed her path who has been helping her in every step she takes. Beyond her parents. Beyond her families. Good things come to her thanks to many invisible hands that allow those things reach her and become part of herself.
Everything she has in life is something borrowed, and it means she has to return in some way. The best way she could do is not paying the one who helped her back, but the best way might be pay it forward.
But still, our own hardwork matters.
For every morning sitting on the same spot,
drilling hundred notes,
showing up in every weather,
dealing with all the pressure,
she deserved all those awards for all the efforts she had done.
In the future, the harder work is actually on the parents.
With such previous result on Royal College ABRSM exam with a rare distinction score of 147/150 (while normally, mostly it is around 130-140) and now her YPM with 99/100, managing our expectations might become trickier than before.
Standard has been set a little too high with, meanwhile I fully realized there’s no all time high for everything in life.
But, for now, felicitation,little girl!
Our work is getting harder.
Yesterday was not an usual outdoor time with scooter, bus or train.
It’s something that has been on the plan since last year yet to make it happen takes more courage than I think. It’s something that she has been longing for quite a while.
I had planned previously to go to one of the parks with usual mode then changed it suddenly on the last minute after having beautiful morning show up above in the sky.
Never underestimate the influence of the nature to your overall mood.
More, her dad was also here. So, more reasons to do this. I had this place in mind before. It is only 15 minutes driving and it has a huge and wide parking lot, then outdoor picnic space to rest after that. Truly a perfect place for the thing we wanted to do.
Done doing her set of morning menu, we drove to this place. It was a rare sunny Sunday, so even the weather conspired us to make this thing happened.
There was no one there since it was as early as 8 am. We enjoyed all the space for ourselves.
At first, I talked to myself to lower my expectation, to be patient, because it wasn’t something that one could do in an instant. More, with her pre-existing condition. So, ‘lower your expectation, mommy’ had been continously playing inside my head.
It was hard at first, as expected. But, slowly, it was getting better. Then, not for long, it happened. Right before my eyes.
She rode two wheels bicycle on her own.
That was it? What’s so grand about being able to ride on two wheels bicycle?
For some people, this is just an ordinary milestone, but not for her, or us. Other than having diagnosed with DLD during our time in London, she is also known to have mild DCD or dyspraxia.
Dyspraxia is a childhood developmental disorder marked by clumsiness in otherwise healthy children. Few of its symptoms are having difficulties in certain motoric movement like balance and coordination.
She has experienced countless time falling while riding scooter, while walking, couldn’t ride a swing properly, couldn’t throw and catch ball, and many more.
There were times when it felt so frustrating. Having a language disorder is a huge setback already. Having another felt too much.
If there’s a trait that might look unfavorable in certain circumstances, but it works well while dealing with this situation.
I am too stubborn to just accept whatever shit life throws.
After having adequate crying, whinning, and countless why, no time to waste anymore. Something should be done.
For the past two years, instead of going to therapy for this, we enrolled her to a private gym class where she could train all the things she couldn’t do yet.
Another thing that helps a lot other than being stubborn, she might have those disorders, but, on the other side, she has this determination, persistent, and perseverance. She always tries her best in everything she does.
Another thing that we got on the good side: we mostly destined to meet the kind and right people. Teachers, therapists that truly helped us and her genuinely (other than the fact we paid them, of course).
There were days when I felt so depressed because days went by without significant progress. But, it wasn’t enough to make us stop.
We kept coming every week. When the gym closed down during delta wave last year, we asked if the coach would do it in our residence outdoor space and she said yes. So, the training continued, in spite of the situation out there.
Yesterday, it was all paid off.
I am fully realized in spite of having such conditions above, we have many advantages and privileges that maybe some other special needs parents and child don’t.
But, if a little note is allowed, maybe here : above paper diagnosis doesn’t define who your child is. There’s so much life after that. There are many other doors open for them, as long as we don’t stop looking. Accept what has been destined for you, but don’t accept it as an end result. We need diagnosis to understand the child, not to prevent them to do things they’re capable of.
Above all the efforts you have done, put your trust. To the One who creates her and to your child herself.
Last but not least,
Enjoy the ride, (parents)!
Having internal conversation on something for some periods until it transforms into a writing these days. The more I read, the merrier those talkings inside the head.
This topic has been on my head for quite long time. The last time I wrote on similar topic was almost three years ago in this post. Many things happened within these years. Many books read, more meetings with different kind of people, and it gives more insights and different perspectives.
When the doctor once said that I am an avid believer of French Parenting, only a little part of that is true. It is also totally understandable when I was raised french way too. Although I am abosulutely in for their three main items which are eat, sleep, and say bonjour, but, for certain parts, I think French mothers might deny me to be a part of their group if they see how I take lunch lightly or knowing that I breastfed my baby for more than 2 years.
When some close family considered me as a strict Tiger Mom who filled her child’s day with schedule, the real chinese or east asian tigress will laugh out loud. The schedule part might be yes, but what kind of tiger mom allow her child to play game everyday, allow sleepover, not pushing the child doing hours of drilling, yet allow so many hours for leisure reading about anything, but not sitting and studying doing worksheets. A big grumpy cat might be yes, but tiger? I can see they are smirking on that idea. No tiger mom is this ‘laid back’.
When I sometimes considered myself (or maybe dying to be part of) as a Scandinavian mom. But, the real ones would be too shocked if they see how different I interpret the word ‘relax’, how little hours I assign for outdoor, and how packed the schedule the little girl has daily or how early we start our day. They will ask me to omit everything I have done and replaced them with some real leisure and pleasure for children.
I can go on comparing few more but let’s stop here.
One thing that came to my thinking, the more books I read, more examples I see, I found that it’s totally hard to define an Indonesian parenting way. Those countries that has country parenting label have things that are clearly defined by the government, applied to everyone without exception, and persevered across generations.
Here, there’s no clear goal, let alone guidelines, no strong foundation, and what define us mostly in general, in my opinion is not a good character. We’re not famous for our strong work ethic, not for honesty, not for intelligence, not for the good habits like reading, not for good education and health service, at least not famous for important items needed to build a well-rounded adult.
Because there’s no clear goal, that’s why there’s no support system built. No proper pedestrian walk in a whole city to safely walk (even an area with pedestrian walk taken over by street food seller or motorcycle), public parks are getting better, but still not enough, free libraries are rare, inequalities in school services (and it’s crazy), there’s almost no single important thing that we could rely on. The absence of the country means a lot. But, since we (currently) have no choice but to live in an this absolute non-kids friendly city and country, we can’t do much about that.
I remembered when I went Hajj, one of the official said how different Malaysian and Indonesian pilgrims were. Different in terms of manner.
It was packed during hajj session, so finding a spot for salah quite tricky because I wanted to have a Ka’bah view. But, since it was only a petite me, it was actually easy to squeeze in. It was easy to recognize Indonesian pilgrims from their mukena and Indonesian also brought their huge praying mat, so I asked some space to share from them.
Few times did this, can you guess what happened? Almost none did. Instead of giving a little bit space for me, they spreaded their legs instead. At first, I was a bit flustered. But, after several times of rejections, I was getting used to it and moved on.
Then who were the one who called me, even from a far and asked me to join? The Malaysian pilgrims.
“Come here, there’s a lot of space here!”
(Insert flat smile)
It was more clearly shown also during Mina. Malaysian (and Singaporean) tents were placed on the main road, closed to the jumroh, and their tents were so cozy and comfy, while Indonesian tents (pilgrims who went with government service, it would be totally different with one who went with privat service, again, see the inequality?) were located on the top of the hill, small tents, extremely hot, and being in one area with other third world countries-whose cleanliness manner was, should I say scary?
You’ll surely see huge difference in manner between children (citizen) who were being taken care well by their parents (government) with those ones who didn’t receive the same level of care or close to being neglected.
You’ll only be able to share, be it love, money or everything, when you’re already filled with it first. Those who spreaded their legs, refused to share a bit of space,even inside the holy mosque, maybe that was what happened to them too. Sharing is not something they would do because maybe, they don’t feel (have) enough for themselves.
It also reminded me of when I visited one of the food bazaar event in London. I came with high expectation that I would finally meet bunch of people where I could have a chat in my language, but, not until an hour, I decided to go home.
The ambiance was so cold. Most of the food seller gave cold response when I asked about the food (of course in Bahasa), but, but, when a foreigner came to their stall, oh la la, so much warmth felt in the air.
No wonder we’re famous as friendly people by the foreigner.
Above is one of the pages from my current reading. It also applies here. What we value mostly here are material or something tangible. How much money one makes, how many cars or things you own, how big one house is, how much followers in social media, what position one is at work, and many more. Everything that is easily measured and judged by the paper.
We also rarely apply delay gratification here. Everyone wants to have or achieve everything in an instant. No wonder, no matter how often it happened in the past, the victim of fraud would always be available in this country.
In book stores, there are books for how to get rich quickly in many different perspectives, but none how to raise an honest kid, how to live right and enough.
Getting rich in an instant seems becoming the ultimate goal. No matter the way you take to get there. No matter how many rules you break to make it happen. As long as you end up with more money.
Why? Because that’s how you’re being valued here.
So, is it wrong to be rich? Bien sur que non. Even in Islam, it’s strongly recommended so you can contribute better. But, many times here, being rich means you have the permit to be asshole and playing power to abuse those who are less fortunate.
Fiuh. Another post that becomes another rant about being a frustrated parent in this country.
Back to parenting tribe.
When we look at certain local parenting tribe, I’ll surely stand with the chinese and bataknese. In 5 years, we have been working with two bataknese young adults, and I love working with them. Hard working, diligent, fast learner, resilience when dealing with complaints, problem solving-oriented (the one that I wrote here is about one of them), no quitting for cheap reason, and they say what they mean, no beating around the bush. Compared to those javanese ones, I prefer having non-javanese. Nothing about being racist here. Just point out what I have dealt in real life.
Reading these books doesn’t mean finding which one you belong to but more of knowing, or even better, applying, if there’s some practices from those parenting types could also work for you and suits your personality and family. Of course, it should be aligned with your goals.
From French, I took the sleep and eat properly part. From the tigers, I am totally in for the discipline part, no matter how many considered it is so tough. We can see how accomplished those tigress kids are academically. From Scandinavians, I took the play part, assigning outdoor hours, and taking care more of little important things.
What have been done are surely still far from ideal, yet all we could do is just trying our best in hoping the little girl could become the part of world citizen tribe, in spite of growing up in a non-ideal place for children.
Be as discplined as the chinese.
Eat well like french.
Living life to the fullest, simple and resilience like Scandinavian.
Be tough and mindful like Japanese.
Be smart and honest like German.
Maybe that way she could be a proud Indonesian.
It was during writing time with the little girl when suddenly such view appeared by the window. We stopped doing what we did and watched my second favorite nature view (after sunset) until they disappeared.
One said that rainbow comes to apologize for the angry skies. Thinking about that, it might be true. The sky had been so grumpy for hours that day. Then suddenly, these beauties appeared and made us smile.
This felt like a little present on this birthrday month. It’s been the period without daily sunrise nor sunset view for the past months, so having such view cured the longing a little bit.
As usual, never write on the exact date of the birthday. But, what is birthday without the sentimental thought that keeps pondering on your head?
The time of the year where I have always looked back, not one, but ten years behind. I often judge my life within the period of ten years, because less than that, the span would be too short to evaluate and allow some big changes happen in life.
I once read, which again, I forgot where or who (tried to google it with different kind keywords but found nothing), that 27 is the year when you make some important decisions of your life. It was kind of true for me.
(Wait, are you saying you are 27?!)
Bien sur que non, mes amies.
That 27 years old was the time when I started executing my 20’s big dreams. The first two were granted on that age. It was also the age when I took a leap of faith to make one of the most important decisions in one’s life. Marriage.
Life happened incredibly on 27. The ups and downs were beyond crazy. Gained two big dreams and another huge thing in life equaled to lost three VIPs in my life. All happened in that ONE YEAR.
That 27 was a huge milestone when I started viewing life from a totally different angle.
Took off from 27, life began its real courses.
I have been a wife, a primary caretaker and bread winner, a mother, a small bussiness owner, a teacher, a housewife, an avid lifelong learner. I had ticked my third big 20s dream beautifully, ended my 15 years of works on high notes, started different set of life abroad, a volunteer, and one of the highlights was, put a heavy reader name tag back on my chest after years of being in the slump.
For these 10 years, the heart had been through so much. From utmost betrayal to the worst broken heart. Standing up again and again after falling for so many times, refused to give up for something that I stubbornly believed. Slowly cured, forgave, and moved on from the (many) wounds in the past.
And, here I am, ten years from that 27.
I looked back to those ten years behind with heart full of immense gratitude for every experience and learning beyond my wildest imagination. I am overwhelmed with abundance of blessing that Allah bestowed upon and me and my family.
Still have many rooms for improvements, occupied by insecurities here and there, but overall, I am beyond grateful to be in a better place than ten years ago.
When I said above that I started seeing life in a totally different angle since 27, ten years later, I still stan with that angle, only with more clear view. It’s the same angle J.K. Rowling used to write her life time bestseller Harry Potter. She started with how it would end.
So, whenever many insecurities creeped in, I asked myself, if the time is up, who and what would be my biggest concerns?
The answers become the compass to arrange my priorities on daily basis.
That way, I hope to continue living this borrowed-life meaningfully and would return it with the least regrets. Amin.
No other hopes in positivity tone?
Sorry, I am a pessimist. I am scared, anxious, and too careful more than it is shown.
I prefer to keep my seatbelt fasten all through the journey.
So, whenever turbulence appears, at least, I would be on the least level of ready 🥂 .
Today, during school from home morning circle, the little girl learned that people would break her heart, made her upset and cried hard, although it was unintentional, and there was nothing she could do to avoid that, no other way than to deal with it, on her own. Those around her could soothe her for a while, but the rest, she had to figure it out herself because it’s her who felt it inside.
A simple thing like when someone forgot to call your name during attendance list and gratitude book reading could turn to be something big. It was far from simple when you had waited for your turn patiently, you had prepared your line carefully, heard that even others who hadn’t prepared at all being called twice, you expected that your turn would come soon and suddenly it said it was done.
I encouraged her to speak up about that. I told her to unmute herself and say it loudly, although it was with trembling voice and teary eyes that she said she hadn’t got her name called. Some excuses given from the other party, but it didnt make things better of course.
Afterwards, I sent text to stress how important this thing for us and reminded to pay careful attention so there would be no second time for this, to anyone, for whatever reasons. Apology sent to me but it was actually the little girl who needed to hear it. She kept asking whether the person was really sorry or had already said sorry.
Other than upset, being confused was totally understandable. Here at home, we (always try to) apologize properly, discuss it, explain the whys, but we couldn’t ask other to do the same. Apology is not something that you ask from other people. It was given from someone who feels it’s the right thing to do after a mistake.
In the society where sorry and thank you are not not trained properly and considered mandatory, it’s hard to expect such thing from others. Even worse, those who think children doesn’t deserve a sincere apology.
At times like this, what helps a lot is to have proper time and space to process everything, to explain thoroughly so having acceptance would be easier. I am glad I was with her when such things happened.
As we make journaling more routine, she also managed to pour her feelings into short writing.
It was not my first time dealing with this, been through worse, yet, it was still heart-breaking to see other people hurt your child.
There’s always homework to do in any stages of motherhood you go through.
Emotional regulation is our main subject which comes with bulk of tasks and lots of unannounced tests, for now.
Some days are Joyful and , some days are awful and bring you displeasures.
New week with new timetable on the list.
The long search about finding a proper Quran teacher who fits all my requirements finally ended. It’s been couple of weeks since having this uncomfortable feeling teaching her this subject. Knowing how far from adequate my knowledge on her current level.
It also doesn’t feel right when we go with professional and qualified teachers for her other education like piano, speech language therapy, gym, so why we go with a mediocre and unqualified one for something as important as learning Quran?
As always, what we ask is what we get.
After clicking lots of profiles in superprof app for months, following few learning accounts, without satisfying results till I just stopped searching. But, giving up on this is not an option.
As always, things always granted when we desperately want it the most.
The right one found me at the first search after long pause of searching at the end of last week.
The teacher accepted the request not long after that.
The funny thing happened when we discussed about the lesson time.
When I offered choices of our free afternoon schedule, the teacher said he could only have mornings since he had fully booked from afternoon till night.
I had certain unusual idea in mind that I would like to propose to whoever that will become her Quran teacher.
To have the lesson at the same time she usually has her lesson daily with me. Right after subuh.
Since the teacher said he wasn’t available during usual and normal hours, so I thought it was perfect time to offer the unsual idea of mine.
I asked.
He agreed right away.
We paid in advance.
He gave the lesson link with the schedule in an instant.
On the day, we requested five minutes before the appointed schedule as we always do.
He accepted at exactly 5.30 am.
This is why we should always ask everything in details.
I want a Quran teacher who :
– has proper knowledge and qualification in teaching the subject
– speaks english well (more because of her first language is English and she thinks in English), not just one that can speak English, like me.
– know how to teach.
– last but obviously not the least, on time to the last minute.
Alhamdulillah, as many other things in life that I have requested so far , this time too, all is granted on the right time.
First lesson done well. Hopefully will continue to do so. Amin.
A Penny for My Pensieve 