Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Review, Thoughts

Puasa Ramadan, Menyusui, dan Olahraga

Sebelumnya saya pernah menulis tentang judul yang sama hanya saja tentang puasa sunnah di sini.

Alhamdulillah hari ini sudah (atau baru ya?) puasa hari ketujuh dan dalam minggu ini saya sempet dua kali olahraga dan masih menyusui. Kenapa mau nulis lagi, karena ternyata dari beberapa kata pencarian di sini banyak yang mau puasa waktu masih menyusui tapi ragu kuat atau ngga.

Puasa Ramadan itu puasa wajib, namun ada keringanan yang diberikan untuk yang ngga mampu menjalankannya karena fisik yang tidak memungkinkan. Ibu hamil dan menyusui (bisa) dimasukan dalam kategori ini, JIKA memang tidak memungkinkan.

Buat saya JIKA ya. Karena, kalau memang memungkinkan jelas puasa lebih baik. Ini tahun keempat saya puasa Ramadan ketika hamil dan menyusui.

 

2014

Tahun 2014, saya sedang hamil lima bulan dan saya berpuasa tiga puluh hari penuh dan lanjut ke enam hari puasa Syawal tanpa berurutan. Di tahun ini, pola buka puasa saya berubah setelah sekian lama. Dulu, saya ngga bisa buka langsung makan nasi. Sejak hamil ini, ketika buka minum teh sedikit, makan kurma, dan langsung makan nasi.

Biarpun ngga seberat itu, puasa dalam keadaan hamil juga bukan segampang itu karena ya lumayan juga bawa perut kemana-mana, kebetulan masih kerja juga di dua tempat seminggu lima kali, tiga hari diantaranya saya keluar rumah dua kali, pagi nyetir mobil, yang siang jalan kaki karena kebetulan tempat kerjanya dalam komplek rumah.

Energi yang keluar cukup besar buat saya, dan kalo buka dengan takjil dulu, nafsu makan saya keburu hilang dan malah bikin perut ngga enak. Makan nasinya jug bukan yang kalap ya, karena emang pas buka tu pas disirem teh anget aja udah terasa kenyang ngga sih? Saya iya😀.

Bisa puasa full 30 hari, saya lanjut puasa Syawal enam hari. Enaknya puasa pas hamil, ngga ada utang puasa! Saya dan keluarga menganut paham untuk puasa Syawal, hutang puasa wajib harus lunas dulu.

Perumpaan bayar hutang puasa Ramadan dulu baru puasa Syawal  seperti kita punya uang lima juta, antara mau sedekah tapi punya hutang juga. Jelas yang wajib dibayar hutang duluan, bukan sedekah. Setelah hutang lunas baru bisa dan boleh sedekah. Beberapa referensi yang saya baca juga menganjurkan seperti ini.

2015

Tahun 2015, saya puasa Ramadan ketika Langit masuk tujuh bulan dan baru awal-awal MPASI. Saya pikir hamil aja bisa tiga puluh plus enam, yang kali ini ngga akan lebih berat harusnya. Ternyata salah. Tujuh bulan memang sudah ngga ASI eksklusif ya, tapi frekuensi menyusui masih cukup intens. Makanan pendamping masih bersifat support ASI.

Puasa tahun ini buat saya yang paling berat. Awal MPASI masih sibuk cari-cari menu, kasih makan sehari tiga kali, nyiapin buka dan sahur untuk orang serumah, dan kerja. Saya lepas satu tempat kerja setelah melahirkan karena waktu yang ngga memungkinkan untuk tetap di dua tempat.

Lewat jam 12, rasa hausnya mulai dateng karena dari pagi sibuk ngurus semua, sambil menyusui langsung juga. Saat buka puasa, energinya hampir habis. Kenapa ngga batal? Menurut saya batal bukan solusi. Langitnya juga baik-baik aja. Alhamdulillah, saya dikasih istirahat seminggu ketika haid datang. Itu pertama kali saya haid setelah 1,5 tahun absen. Selama ASI eksklusif saya ngga haid sama sekali.

Masuk Syawal, saya mulai cicil bayar hutang. Tenyataaa, puasa di bulan Syawal lebih berat lagi dibanding puasa Ramadan. Mungkin entah karena suasana yang beda, dimana Ramadan lebih terasa santai, semua orang juga memang puasa, jadi ya biasa aja. Saya ngga bisa nyelesain puasa Ramadan saya di Syawal dan cuma bisa nyelesain tiga hari hutang puasa.

Saya sudah puasa sunnah senin kamis sejak tahun 2003. Berenti puasa ketika pas hamil 6 bulan keluar flek. Jadi sampe 6 bulan, saya masih sambil puasa sunnah ketika hamil. Rasanya biasa aja juga. Tapi, setelah melahirkan, lalu menyusui, saya ngga bisa balik puasa sunnah karena… ngga tahan laper karena menyusui😕. Niatnya mau puasa lagi abis Langit MPASI, tapi ternyata hati kurang kuat. Tunda lagi.

Akhirnya karena kesadaran yang sudah terus terganggu, berhasil juga balik puasa senin kamis di akhir tahun 2015. Selain mulai lagi puasa senin kamis, saya juga balik olahraga.
Enam bulan pertama MPASI, benar-benar menyita waktu dan energi. Saya vakum puasa dan olahraga selama enam bulan itu. Ngga heran badan saya kaya ikan paus dengan nafsu makan kaya kuda (karena babi ngga terdengar menyenangkan).

2016

Tahun 2016 Alhamduillah puasa sunnah udah balik normal lagi, olahraga rutin seminggu dua kali, masih terus nyusuin. Ketika Ramadan tahun 2016, saya tadinya mau tetap olahraga, tapi waktu itu saya belum keluar dari masa kegelapan ngasih makan. Langit masih makan diemut. Ngga ada energi sisa untuk olahraga juga, sementara puasa Ramadan wajib dan terus menerus selama sebulan. Jadi, break dulu olahraga sebulan.

 

2017

Tahun ini, Langit sudah 2,5 tahun dan saya masih menyusui. Iya, belum (berhasil) disapih. Saya lebih milih toilet training dulu, yang alhamdulillah sudah tercapai siang malam, tanpa kecelakaan. Menyusui memang ngga sesering dulu, tapi ya masih lumayan sering juga. Tapi, mungkin karena sudah biasa juga di puasa senin kamis, jadi puasa Ramadan sambil menyusui memang ngga terasa berat.

 

Selasa lalu saya pertama kali coba puasa, ikut kelas olahraga  dan tetap menyusui. Saya cuma ikut 45 menit karena saya ngga suka bagian latihan lantai. Kebetulan juga ada urusan lagi setelah itu. Sepanjang hari hingga buka, alhamdulillah ngga segitu haus kaya bayangan saya. Selain ngurangin waktu, saya juga sedikit ngerem di gerakan. Ketika high impact, saya sesuaikan aja.

Hari ini, saya olahraga lagi dan instruktur yang hari ini kebetulan puasa juga. Ternyata instruktur yang puasa lebih kejam dari yang ngga puasa. Saya sempet break dua kali. Terakhir dia pake lantai juga saya skip. Saya ngga suka lantai (sama sekali). Ngga papa de perutnya ngga rata.

Sepanjang hari rasa haus sih ngga seberapa, ngantuknya yang parah banget. Abis mandi langsung ketiduran tiga jam penuh😴😴😴.

Satu yang saya tanamkan di hati dan pikiran, puasa Ramadan yang paling penting dibanding olahraga dan untuk tahun ini, sudah lewat dua tahun, menyusui juga bukan wajib lagi (buat saya). Jadi, kalau tetap mau olahraga, harus tau diri juga.

Buat yang ragu, insya Allah puasa sambil hamil dan menyusui sangat mungkin dilakukan kok. Selain niat yang kuat, perlu juga atur kegiatan dan hal lain yang bisa meringankan puasa sambil ngurus bayi. Di hari saya olahraga dan puasa, makanan yang Langit suka wajib ada. Drama makan memang alhamdulillah udah lewat, tapi saya tetap cari aman.

Oya! Salah satu yang menurut saya wajib dilakukan adalah majukan waktu makan anak ketika puasa. Sesudah buka, energi sudah habis. Ngantuk pula. Belum mau solat tarawih juga. Kayanya ngga ada energi lagi kalo harus ngurus makanin anak. Karena saya dari awal Langit makan memang sudah menerapkan hal ini, jadi ketika puasa tinggal ikutin aja. Tiga kali makan besar, sudah harus selesai sebelum maghrib. Setelah maghrib, waktunya tidur untul Langit dan istirahat untuk saya.

Semua urusan yang berat saya selesaikan di pagi hari. Saya juga punya daftar menu makan untuk sahur,masak, takjil, dan makan malam yang saya buat per minggu. Jangan salah, perencanaan yang detil itu sangat menghemat energi lho. Apalagi selain ngurus bayi, saya juga harus ngurus tiga laki-laki lain. Alhamdulillah juga kerjaan rumah ada ART pulang pergi yang ngerjain.

 

 

Semoga yang berniat puasa selagi menyusui dan mau olahraga juga dimudahkan ya niat baiknya. Triple ibadah, insya Allah pasti dikasih jalan kalau memang benar-benar mau melakukan semua. Apalagi Ramadan yang cuma setaun sekali. Sayang kalo dilewatkan.

 

Sehar dan lancar semua puasa dan ibadah lainnya ya!

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

A Greeting

To the one I owe every good things I have and I become of,

To the one whose hard works and kindnesses I could never repay,

To the one who set a standard about what, when, how, and why important things one should achieve in life,

To the one whose presence touched so many people,

To the one whose words were often hard, yet very rarely wrong,

To the one whose mind and money always went to others but herself,

To the one whose absence will always forever be mourned,

Joyeaux anniversaire, Madame Salma.

For showing us clearly and boldly how one should live and more importantly, how one wishes to return,
I could never thank you enough.
Merci beaucoup.

Bissoux,

Ta fille.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

The Other Side of November

Like everything in this world, there’s always two sides of something. So is November. After the happy occasion, then we move to the other side.

It’s been four years, yet it still can’t be helped to remember every details without flowing tears. A dark rainy afternoon made the pain felt more hurt and real. As if the sky was crying a lot with her gone.

The one who set the standard how one should live. Do your best, dream and make it real, finish what you have started, give a lot, trust your own self and your God the most, don’t take what is not yours, and know how to feel enough with what you have and been given. 

The one who had the honour to left exactly two weeks after Hajj, paid her zakat, fasting for five days, done ashar prayer, and recited syahadat. 


The one who really showed the best way one should live and the most wanted way one would return.

The woman I call mother.

In this life, I have so many things I have been so grateful for. Being my mom’s daughter was, is, and will always be on the top of my list.

It’s greater than gratefulness. It’s an honour to be given birth, raised, and loved by her.

Sending my best prayer for the one I love the most.

Till we meet again, bu…

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts, Travel

A closing

    Ah, so we finally arrive at the end of the trip. I have so much to say but couldn’t describe well what I feel.

    This trip arguably is one of the most magnifique one I have ever had. I couldn’t express how much grateful I have been for the past four months, more, for the past eight days I spend here. 

    I enjoyed every steps, every little and big things I saw, every scent I smelt, every words in the language I spoke, every single things happened during the journey in this city.

    There were no easy way to achieve all three dreams. All three had its own hardships, cruel twists, rocky roads, but then, they were all paid off once I was living it. 

    After two years of searching the possible and suitable universities to pursue master degree abroad, Allah sent me to the closest one from home. He knew I couldn’t survive being too far from home for a long period. A part of my heart left in Kuala Lumpur and Selangor. First dream : checked.

    Although I have visited Mecca and Medina twice before, it was on another level when you did it for Hajj. Started saving nine years before the journey, confirmed to be going five years later, and finally went Hajj four years ago (please do the math on your own). A greatest journey, to the greatest place in the world, to the centre of a human’s heart. Second dream, Mecca for hajj : checked.

    The last one has the longest waiting, the furthest distance, the hardest and lots of requirements, the most expensive expenses, and the least help resources available. 

    Once the ticket confirmly booked, the longer path was waiting until the end of the tunnel. Everything was planned without any experts, no wonder though sometimes it was frustrating, it also felt very satisfying. We absolutely did everything from the scratch. 

    When the steps touched every corner of this city, saw all those places by  the very own eyes, walked     around and got lost until the smallest alleys, found a hidden gem where few euros where spent, met the very charming parisiens, greeted by ‘bonjour’ and saying ‘au revoir’ almost everywhere, the heart couldn’t stop crying and spelling thank you for finally  having this dream came true. 

    Re-read this post and smiled. The one and only Paris for the third dream, in the most favorite season : beautifully checked.

    I have three big dreams and had all those three checked greatly.
    Half of me now really can rest in peace. I am completely done with my self.

    The other half part is about passing and teaching this ability to my daughter.

    The ability to live diligently and have good things to pursue, work very hard to make it happen, patiently waiting for the result, stand up again and again after failures, and believe that she will really get there one day.

    I am what I am now because of what my parents showed me. Nothing less. There will be no dreams at all without them taught me.

    I praised Allah endlessly for fulfiling all those three and thanked both my parents whole-heartedly for raising me to the best possible path one could ask for and having their enourmous support to achieve whatever their children want to pursue.

    Thank you for such a great and pleasant journey with all the lessons, Paris. I absolutely have a nice stay.

     I’ll see you again, one day.

    À bientot!

    The best and the last lunch out in a French restaurant.

    The last evening at Boulevard Saint Germain intersection

    Croissant and coffee for the last breakfast at the cafe which won the 1st place for the best baguette in Paris 2016

    Last sunset in Charles de Gaulle as the sign end of a day, as well as the trip.

    Glad to be back home.

Posted in Favorite things, Life happens, Past learning, Places, Thoughts, Travel

The Third Longest Dream Unlocked, First Ilana Trip : Autumn in Paris

Waiting for today feels like forever since last June. Looking back to all things happened in the last four months make the heart almost exploded of mixed emotions felt.

Let’s go through the past tunnel first, shall we?

Right after the first umra when I was 19, three goals were set to be accomplished before married :

1. Master degree abroad

2. Going Hajj

3. Going to this city

The first two were checked in the same year of the marriage, but not the third one.

This city has been My constant stomachache. Having the language teacher at home made me really familiar about this city. The books were everywhere. The language was also daily spoken. One or two or three words were often used whenever we discussed something.

First time learned the language at 11. Then, it was on and off. During high school, this was one of an elective subjects for two years. Maybe, other than me, no one enjoyed this subject at all.

It has been come closer for several chances. When we visited Manchester in 1994, we had BeNeLux and this country visa with us. Sadly, chicken pox stopped us from going. In 1996, the teacher was sent for a month summer course, but again, joined her was out of option.

The dream was off for quite some times.

Then, I started working on it seriously in 2008. It was a thought of accomplishing number one and three in one shot. Master degree in this country or other countries nearby. Wherever it would be, as long as it was getting closer to number three would be fine.

Had been applying lots of universities in The Netherlands and England and received quite offering letters. Sadly, the scholarship wasn’t available. Back then, scholarships were not widely available. Not to say I would surely get it, but at least could give it a try.

Since Europe was quite hard, then the plan was revised. Instead of doing number one and three, the focus and resources were all used on number one first. It worked better than having two things at the hands. Number one was checked in 2011, after almost two years of searching.

In 2011, life happened a lot. The wedding planning had started rolling. The chance of having number three done before the wedding day was getting thinner. While number two was confirmed, number three was too far to be seen.

In 2011 also, the news of the teacher sent to one of the city in that country broke my heart a lot. She actually supposed to go the previous year, but she had to unveil herself. She refused and declined the offer. Unbelievably, the chance came once more on the following year. This time, she was told that she could keep her veil. So, she did go. As if this opportunity was chasing her until she said yes.

What made it was pretty heart-breaking, it was me who had been trying hard for almost two years, but why it seemed the teacher, who didn’t do anything to go, was the one who could go. It wasn’t fair at all.

Right after Hajj, a month after, it was the wedding day. The hope of accomplishing all three had totally gone. The chance of going within visible time was pretty zero, with le husband’s residency on the running. Until the wedding day, when the teacher was no longer here, number three was still left untouched.

Two years after marriage, the baby came. The hope was even more fading. Let alone that far, going somewhere near for couple of hours now is even not easy knowing this little baby is waiting at home. In the wildest and worse thought, number three was halfly given up. Although, the thought of dying without going there gave me a broken heart.

God has always had a funny, unexpectable, and mysterious way in fulfilling our wish. This year fasting month brought a greater blessing than we expected.

It started when the idea of homecoming to Solo was popped. Since le husband is already in his last year of residency, the schedule has been quite loose. For the first time in four years, we went for a trip by plane. Although the cost made our saving screamed a lot.

Right after bought the homecoming tickets, an idea to check the cost of number three ticket came into mind. Did it as a guilty pleasure, like I have always been doing whenever remembering number three.

Checking several airlines, it turned out one of them currently had some promos. As the curiousity was getting higher, destination and some dates were typed. Nothing serious, just wanted to check how much it would cost.

When the monitor displayed the price for two adults and an infant, the first reaction was…numb.

Such price, return, for three person? Seriously?

It might be not that cheap, but calculating quickly on my head, it was doable. At least, affordable for us. The dates input had been chosen, according to my schedule.

Couldn’t help staring at the monitor for some time. The tab had been opened for a whole day. Went to bed sighing and thinking, it would be still impossible.

The day after had never been the same. It made me checking the website every single day. Reading a lot of reviews. Comparing to almost every airlines possible. Discussing things with le husband, my father, and also my saving account.

For at least 12 days ahead, I had numerous disturbed sleeps. While le husband kept telling me just clicked and bought the tickets, while the courage was there. Telling me that I had been longing for this too long. Maybe it is really the time.

The courage came after sahoor in Ramadhan. The tickets were bought. Never in my life I spent money that much on something. For a stingy person like me, the amount spent was too scary.

Strangely, this time, instead of guilt, it felt good.

Those tickets bought were the first real thing I have done about number three. Although few months later I am still paying the debt for it, it is worth all the pain of having debt for.

The next morning, passports were being registered online and after two weeks, the new passports were ready. Passport done, the next step was one of the most important things about number three. One process which sucked almost your energy, time, and money : Visa application.

Preparing for visa was one of the most exhausting yet enriching steps about number three. It made me do lots of reading, if not to say too much reading. Almost all available articles, with any possible keywords were being read. Made sure I didn’t miss anything for my visa documents so it would be approved or before that, at least no document missing when we came to submit it.

One week after documents submission, the passports were returned. Opened the sealed envelope in front of the locket, opened the passport and… the stamp was there.

It was really there until I really wanted to cry.

The visa was there.

My permission entry to enter this country was granted.

Then, (Maybe), it is really the time.

———————
For me, it’s not a simply mere vacation. Nor an ordinary family trip.

It feels like going for another smaller Hajj. Going to the place which make your heart beating fast and has been giving you a constant stomach ache for almost three fourth of your life.

The place where you almost read everything about that, speaking the language (trying hard) like its people, knowing something about this place more than any common knowledge.

When usually people are having at least two or three countries to visit with their visa during their travel time, I (we) decide only to visit this one country, in this one city. I won’t be a hopping tourist. (Well, it’s actually a soft translation of the money is limited;))).

This one might sound too mainstream for many people, but not to me. It’s the place where some parts of the teacher’s soul lived. By the teacher, I have been talking about my mother.

The teacher who had been teaching me not only about the country and its language, but the more importantly, she taught us about having dreams and working on it until we make it.

Half of this journey, maybe about showing her up there, this time, I finally make it for my third biggest dream. She knew for sure I have been longing number three since a very young age. Sadly, she is not here to cheer with me like the previous two. But, I hope she would be proud to see everything that I have done to make this one real.

The initial plan was going alone, strolling here and there, taking pictures, resting for coffee and cake near the river, shopping till the wallet drop, visiting places on the list every single day all day long, having a day trip to the nearest cities, and many more of self-pleasing things. An ultimate self trip to end my 20s.

It turns out I am going with another two people. One of them is a baby, which gives me a lot of concern. Double and triple preparations, while having less and lower expectation. Instead of the strong 20s, it’s the less agile 30. God truly gives all my dreams checked, according to His will, not mine.

Dream then work on it to the fullest, I am the one who will decide the result, He said.

Then, let’s accept the result.

To the city where my heart has been constantly wrenching for after Mecca and Medina, here I come. I’ll see you there, Mom.

October 25, 2003 : the departure day of the journey when the three dreams were set.

October 25, 2016 : the departure day of the third and longest dream.

Missions accomplished.

Bismillah, off we go.

My First and Second are here.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

The End of An Era

Meeting with the old friends always leave something to be thought of. This lovely bunch was a high school best friends in the third year. It’s been six…teen (ha!)  years after we graduated, lots of changes happened, yet one thing stays the same, their oldselves.

In spite what positions they are currently sitting in, more money they have, they truly are the same as they were. Instead of bragging about their achievements, new materials belonging, they share their own battle. Behind every smiles shown, each of us are still fighting our own battle. Either career, family, love life, are all present.

One may has a very good career in government institution, more than enough materials, yet still waiting for a child. One has a nice little family, yet still struggling with his career. Another one has good career and nice family, yet has to live far away from his family in another town outside Java.

In every gathering we have, some talks about the pasts were always brought up. Laughing at those good old days, when nothing worries us more than a killer biology teacher who always proposed lots of questions in every lesson. 

Or fast forward few years after, we went for a trip to Kota Tua, which turned quite failed since all the museums were closed due to public holiday, but was also considered as the most successful and happiest one.

When one by one are finally settling down, getting married, the meeting is also getting harder to set up. Unmatched schedules or any other reasons are likely preventing us to meet, and mostly the reasons come from family matters. Family event, a sick child, office/work event, etc. Everyone seems too busy to even meet for a mere ninety minutes. The friendship seems no longer on the top list of priorities.

It’s quite understandable though. I always believe, marriage, then after that,kids, change a whole game of your life. It feels like giving up half remote control of your life to these things. 

Before, whenever an idea of meeting was set, I would just go without many things to consider.  After married with kids, lots of term and conditions are applied. Please don’t be too far, too long, choose a place where it is comfortable enough for nursing, and bla bla bla.

One of a good friend from the circle, was once a tax employee and then after few years, he gave up his firm position and enrolled to a pilot school to pursue his dream. He is married with a daughter. Three years after, he finished the study and came back reunited with his family. After six months and up to yesterday, he is still struggling to find one pilot position, in spite of lots available airlines and his education background.

Looking from two sides, it’s good thing having a dream to be pursued. But in the other hand, pursuing a personal dream when we have other important responsibilities might be considered unfair. Luckily, the wife is supportive enough. Being a single parent during his study, a bread winner for the household, even after six months he came home. Come on, it’s only six months, right?

Hohoho, try that yourself.Being a husband, father, who has no job, no income, gave up the previous settle job for a dream, let’s make a bet whether you can survive for a month, IF,  you don’t have a strong partner to get your back so you can keep standing still. Not everyone is lucky enough.

Being such wife and mother is surely far from easy. There are so much to deal with. Her work at office, her 2,5 years daughter, her husband and the family future as well, and many other unseen things. Girls should really have a right and full comprehension about what it takes before deciding to settle down with someone.

Thus, when my brother once thought he would get married first then pursuing his second master degree abroad, I quite strongly against the idea. While he even didn’t have a suitable one with him yet, why bother giving up the study for such uncertain reason. Glad he could think rationally. Unless, he wouldn’t have enjoyed London as he pleases in a current time.

There will always be the end of an era where things would no longer be in your favours. Sometimes, life happens too cruel to deal with. Before such time comes, make the most of your time. Spent those happy, reckless youth to the fullest. 

Don’t stop running too early. Whether you like it or not, want it or not, the finish line will always wait for you in the end. Don’t bother to make it earlier. Enjoy the scenery to your heart’s content. Bring a lot to your brain to face harder challenges ahead.

A finish line is obviously the end of an era, but it also happen to be another starting line to the new chapter.

Of course, a higher level one.

May we all have enjoyable journey for each chapters in our life. 

Good luck.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Dreams and Twists

Always being a careful and overly thinking person in almost everything, no wonder the anxiety level is quite high. Too strict and unflexible might be good for some things but surely not everything. Not easy to let things go means giving the best and being all out to do a total fight for every important matters in life.

Experiencing the journey of executing three personal dreams,  reminiscing every single little things done until it really happened felt quite surreal. Surreal because it seemed so unexpected this lazy girl could do that far and that much for something she really wanted.

Each of dreams has their own story, fight, failure, and one that we always forget, the twist. The bigger dreams took the bigger twist.

Welcoming 2012 with such a big heart knowing there would be three big things accomplished that year, thinking how perfect it would be, ready to mark 2012 as the best years  of my life. Done with dream number one, followed by number two few months later, and not long after, tied the knot.

Tying a knot with someone was not part of  the dream list. Never actually. Getting married to someone is the limit time when I should be done with my personal things. 

Why? Every decision make after married won’t solely depend on myself, but also the other person, even more sometimes, more than one person. That’s why girls, I strongly advise, do and accomplish as many as possible, as much as you can, as far as you want, before deciding to settle down with someone. Life after married won’t ever be the same anymore.

Overwhelmed by excitements over these made me forget one old phrase : do your best and let God do the rest. Men plan, God decides. 
He gave me three big things one could have within a year, but with term and conditions. It felt like He said, ” I give you three, BUT, I also take three, “.

First, Master degree abroad, graduated with flying colors : checked.

Second, Hajj before married, literally before married like a month before : checked.

Third, Married to one that you want after those long hard years and drama : checked.

However,

No pain, no gain, isn’t it?

Let’s do the God’s math.

By having the first, He took one that I loved so much. One whose nice scent would always linger, the most loving, cleanest, upright, most compassionate, stick to her shalat, Grandmother left just few months before graduation. It wasn’t  the fact she passed away that broke the heart. It was a missing chance of saying my final goodbye to her. I was thousand miles away from her. Nothing worse than missing the last chance to say goodbte to your loved ones.

Then, having number two was very precious. Not many have a chance to do Hajj at a quite young age, with all of their heart. So, shall we take another one?

One who was the most helpful, never grumpy, a tall and handsome one, the best and kindest uncle left exactly two weeks after his mother. Too much mourning within two weeks.

Finally, having the number three means a new whole journey began. A life changing journey. Thus, the twist level should be as high as the gift. 

I have no words to explain about this one. One who should be standing right next to my father on the wedding day left exactly two weeks before the wedding date.

Thankfully, a very proper chance was given. Went Hajj together, just the two of us, took care her, bathing, cleaning all part of her body in the hospital, slept over there everyday for thirteen days, sit right next to her until her last breath, it was one of the greatest honours I have received in my life. Serving one that gave you the most on her last days.

Back to 2016, it seems four years are enough to make someone forgets. Right when the last dream started rolling to happen, busy here and there, doing lots of things, make the twist is forgotten. Thinking maybe this is finally and really the time for number three, it hit pretty hard when I realized, with an executed dreams, twist will always follow. It’s not given separately. 

Again, since it is about a personal dream, then personal relationship would be a perfect twist this time. Some tiny part was taken from the relationship. Tiny part which changed the game. Once again, it happened right two weeks before doing the most important part of the dreams.

If one asks whether all these twists make me regret of having those dreams, the answer is no.

Having those dreams take me to the best inner self-journey I have ever experienced. Knowing how far and how long I can go, how persistent and determined I can be.

While having those twists show me how strong this heart can be, how good I can endure, how hard to stand back on your own feet after losing some important parts of your body. Show me truth of the saying, ‘Life must go on’. 

So I do. With all the strength left to go on.

Not much, not completely okay, but it’s enough. 

Having enough is good enough for me.
 
In the end, the cycle of each of dreams is similar. Get myself few nice dreams, working hard on it, get slapped by the twist, fall, stand back, and go on.

Thank you for the lessons and surprises, universe.

Have a nice dream and hurtful twist!

Posted in Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

My Mother, The Keeper

My mother was one the most visioner person I have ever known. Her thoughts were mostly beyond what others could see. Most of the time, everything that she said in present time, likely to be true in the future.

She liked to keep things that she thought will be useful in the future. Not a short term one but a very long time in the future. Thanks to her, I saved a lot of money from buying some important baby stuffs. These are not only something small like clothes or sheets, but things that you couldn’t buy at the same quality  even if you do have the money to buy it. These things have been kept for years neatly and nicely.


The crib has been here for more than 30 years. Me and my siblings have our pictures taken inside this crib. Not only us, some of our cousins used this crib too. Langit is lucky enough to be the first grandchild in the family so she has the chance to sleep in this legendary bed.

This rattan play yard was bought when my cousin was born 10 years ago. My mum bought it with the thought her daughters would surely need this once they had  babies themselves. See,  she was rarely wrong. Langit enjoys being inside this box a lot. It will soon being moved to my little sister’s house since she needs it more than us when her second child  is coming.


Well, this one is freshly built this afternoon. After my sister texted that she would take the rattan box by next week, I keep thinking the replacement of that box. Although it is no longer urgent to keep Langit inside a box, I like the idea of keeping her personal space where she can play and rest, both upstairs and downstairs.

I keep searching any alternatives to replace the box and thinking of buying the second one. But, most of those were above my budget. I don’t eager to spend on something that is not really urgent.

Then, the idea came. Instead of play yard or similar thing, I thought about a baby pool. A large one. But again, it’s quite weird putting a pool inside the house. It doesn’t look good for me. Until I remembered about this tent.

It has been here for 26 years. It was bought in 1994 when we stayed in Manchester for two months. We used to play it often when we were young. We really loved it. It wasn’t big so we had fights deciding who would sleep inside the tent.

The good old memories were flooding inside my mind while me and le husband built this one together. It gives warmth remembering the good old days we had and it is such a pleasure to share this happiness to Langit. She looked so happy and couldn’t help keep smiling when the tent was ready with all her toys inside. 

Unlike the current trend nowadays where people do pre-loved sales of their used things like bags, clothes, shoes, my mother often reminded us not to sell things that we have bought. It’s either you keep it or you pass it to other when you’re no longer use it. She was strongly against getting money from selling our stuff, whether when we’re in need of money or not. So, until now, we send out a box or two of unused clothes, shoes, bags, or tableware every few months and give it to our regular recipients.

Along with that kind of mindset, a good taste also follows. Those bags, shoes, clothes, cupboard, bed sheets, or whatever it is, I don’t know how she found such good quality and chic ones. She truly had good eyes. Last four years, I haven’t bought any shoes and bags. The real shoes and bags. I have been using hers. Luckily, we have the same shoes size.

Whenever I think about my mum, I can’t help being emotional thinking how lucky I am having her as my mother and how desperate I am to be as good as her to my daughter.

I had my greatest honour as a child of being able to be next to my mother on her last days. I wish to have another one as a mother. 

I wish to be remembered like I remember my mother by my child(ren). Whenever they think about me, they will be happy and proud of having me as their mother.

Way to go and hopefully I’ll get there. Amin.

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Long-term Relationships

This morning, something suddenly barged into my mind. It’s quite special so it deserves a blogpost.

This year around this month, I am having a BEP. If you happened to be an economic major student or any similar majors, you must know BEP. It’s Break Even Point. In a simple definition, it’s a condition where a revenue you get is even with the cost you have spent.

In my case, it’s not about the cost. It’s about time. 13 years of piano studying and another 13 years of piano teaching. Thirteen years sounds pretty long, huh? Ah, if we sum up both, then it becomes twenty six years. A bloody 26 years relationship with this piano thing. Sounds even longer, doesn’t it?

Long time ago, I have realized something about a certain thing in my life. I think long-term relationship is my forte. Seems I am destined to that. Either in personal or non-personal, I have mostly been having such a long entanglement.

From simple things like a bag or shoes to a relationship with people, I have years of acquaintance. I have been wearing my Gabor shoes for ten years and still counting. I have been together with my piano for twenty six years, I have been coming to the same exercise class since I was in the second year of high school. So, it’s been around fourteen years. Then, I have been married to a person whom I’ve known and have relationship with for fourteen years.

Being in years of relationship with something or someone, does it mean everything go smoothly? Bien sure que NON!

The sole of my Gabor shoes had been through several repairings. The soles once changed and the leather had once re-sewn, yet it survives until today. It had been countless times when I cried frontally and secretly,  so heavily, asked my mom to let me quit the piano school, yet I kept going. There were times when I had been absent the exercise class, yet I always return.

There were even more and more countless times when we were facing hard times during my relationship with le husband. Any kind of relationship dramas, you mention it, we had it. On-off, bad to the worst break-ups, parents disagreement, long distance, even the marriage was almost cancelled just few weeks before the D-day because of my mum’s sickness. We finally lost her just two weeks before the wedding. In spite of all those hardships, yet we manage to stay together. Langit is the result of a long-time persistence and endurance.

When someone asked how bored it could be being with someone or something for such a long time, or how I survive along those years, here’s an answer.

I have been taught if something is broken, we do repair it or work on it, not change it.

We find solutions, not an exit door, for any problems.

We do our best to stay until the end-term appointed.

Well, no matter how much you love something or someone, in the end, you will part with them, won’t you?

As a child, I am proven to have the strength to endure some hardships. But, as a parent, honestly, I am not really sure if I can do as good as my mum to bear and stand next to my child for her to learn from some hardships. I don’t have much confidence to be as strong as my parents were. But, who knows?

Guess that is all for the morning babbles. Happy 26th piano-niversary, you! Cheers for more years to come!

Posted in Past learning, Thoughts

Sekolah Musik Yayasan Pendidikan Musik (SM YPM)

I have a debate whether to write this post in Bahasa or English. The title seems telling you this one will be in Bahasa, while you’re currently reading an English post.

I can’t change the title because it’s a name of a place. And, I don’t intend to write any reviews here. You don’t do reviews to a place you called home.

It’s early morning and rainy outside. Last night was one of the sleepless nights I had because my mind was being occupied with something. Suddenly missing this place so much and couldn’t help thinking about this a whole night. Thinking how much I owe this place for so many things in my life.

I spent a continous 13 years in this place from 1990-2003. Attended every single grade, from the lowest to the very highest. Thirteen bloody years without a break. If you count right, it is almost similar time spent from kindergarten to the end of high school. Well, that was the case for me.

It has two branches now, Manggarai and Bintaro. Back then, it was only Manggarai. I went to Manggarai, for sure. It’s not a mere music school. It’s a real school which not only teaches music, but also educates you in every nice possible ways.

I once wrote about piano already. About what I had been going through there. This time, I want to give reasons why this one is worth the money spent for years.

Judging from its look, it might be just an ordinary building. I am talking about Manggarai branch here because this one is where I spent my time. The class was pretty small and only few of it have air-conditioner. The first eight years I learned there were spent in a non-air conditioner one. A standing fan was there for me.

This place is a real school where they have strict regulations about minimum age to enter, minimum points to pass, and an adequate manners for you to continue to the high level. They pushed the students to practice hard and much. They gave bulky of assignments, they gave enough pressure till we could say
the Darwinism was applied here. The one who said that only those who could adapt well, survived. Those who can’t, would be eliminated, or eliminated themselves.

Didn’t they care about losing student? Nope, they didn’t, don’t and never will do. They have an entrance test which is using for selecting students. Not only the students do the test, they give questions too for the parents. Back then, my mom even was directly interviewed. Now, they just give paper questions to the parents.

They consider how serious and how big the potential chance that the child will survive. That’s why they do interview to the parents also. The parents support play a big role for the survival chance.

I had been assigned to four different teachers during those 13 years. Four years with the first one, three years with the second, two years with the third, and another four with the last one. I was directly taught from the famous pianist Rudy Laban on my last four years in high level. May his soul is rest in peace.

To be honest, those thirteen years were not something that I could call enjoyable. As a little kid, my motivation to practice was as shallow as getting stickers on my notebook whenever I played well. More stickers, more better. In the other hand, I wasn’t a brilliant one also. Since the very beginning, piano was not something that I would claim as my best ability.

Then, so why does bother survive for 13 years?

I questioned myself and my mum too in the past. I cried asking my mum to allow me to quit. I couldn’t stand more of the teachers’ scolding in every lesson we had. I was afraid of performing in front of others. I was so weak in solfegio. Unlike school where I had always been in the top class, piano put me in the lower one. I hated being in some position where I had very least advantage. Invisible might be okay, but considered stupid, nah, that was another thing.

But, it wasn’t until few years after graduated, till I realized how those hard years toughen me. How those pressures made me stronger. How those high demand assignments showed me my true limit. Along with those pressures, they gave dedicated teachers beside you. Teachers who was always on time, well-dressed, patient, though they did enough scolding too, but, never, they gave up on their student.

This school has very strong culture. Maybe the strict rules classical music have surely give big influence. The ambience was pleasant, positive, and politeness was definitely everywhere. Once you were in the high level, with the smaller amounts of student, it gave stronger friendship. They compete soo smoothly. Really, I just realize this not long ago. Those who were the top students were sincerely friendly to each other. They were getting along comfortably while in the other hand, I knew for sure they practised so hard to beat each other.

What was more even incredible, those top students were not being proud at all until they were intimidating others. At least, for the lower rank like me, knowing I was just fairly good was enough pressure already. Feeling bullied or intentionally intimidated, never. What happen was, it gave me more courage to practise harder. Although I would never be as good as them, at least I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of others.

What was even more pleasant, high level students tended to know each other despite what level they were in. Seniority wasn’t applicable there. Since it wasn’t a formal school, there were wide range of age differences among students in a level. For example, I was in my senior high when I was in high level, among my friends were junior high or even college students. We called each other by names.

I didn’t have lots of prizes there. Never been in any ranking concerts. I finished the highest grade at the same year I finished high school. When I finally made it, I told myself, so, this is it all? Thirteen years were finally having its end. No more pressures and sleepless nights of practising. I should be happy. But then, what had been those thirteen years actually doing to me other than giving me a piece of certificate stating I graduated the highest level with judisium B?

I found the answers right after I entered college. Those thirteen years started showing me its real impacts in the real life other than music. I saw how it made me slightly different above others. This was nothing about being proud. I signed a contract to be a teacher in one of the famous music school in the first years of college. I was 19.

Being unpopular students during my school years shocked me a bit when I suddenly became ‘quite popular’ during college. More pleasantly, I was known for my abilities first than the look,haha! I was known for one of those student who nailed the English proficiency test and scored enough to get a straight A without having to attend the class, and the one who played piano well enough to be a teacher in a music school, thus I was financially more independent than any others student.

I often felt didn’t believe myself for having so much advantages in my college years. All of those mostly thanks to the thirteen years I had been through in YPM. Hardwork, patience, persistence, the courage to strive the best and never give up no matter how low your position was, falling apart, dissapointments, and then stood up once again, I learned those all from there.

All the job interviews I had, I nailed it thanks to this place. Thirteen years doing music school was surely something for others. None of the interviews I had, left this music talking behind. It impressed those interviewers in whatever kind of job I applied. I even once being interviewed for almost two hours just because talking about the piano course. Even more, the first real talk with le husband also happened because of this.

I always have confidence in doing paper test. But, talking face to face was never be my favorite. Then I finally knew, those thirteen years happened for helping with this.

My dad had to spend some days waiting for me at the music school until midnight during my high level exam practise, or he sent me first at 7 pm then came back to fetch me at 12 am. Yes, 12 am. Either weekdays or weekend. My mum spent almost the whole through years sent me back and forth for my usual schedule.

Now, I spend my days taking care of my father for the past four years after my mum left. Thanks to this place, I am able to be present for my father in his old days, as well as my mother’s last days. The flexibility makes me able to do those things.

Amazing how it touched all things in my life, wasn’t it?

Phew, it’s quite a long story.

It is still raining outside and the traffic must be bad out there. Luckily, I am sitting comfortably at home with my baby. It is not because I have to. It’s more because I choose to. The thirteen years spent on that school allowed me to have the choice I choose right now.

Instead of working a whole day, a whole week in far away places from home, it gave me few hours working time, in some few days to my choices, in the nearest place one could afford. Like, five minutes walking from home, perhaps?

When people said I was so lucky, maybe I am. I was lucky enough to have all the support and chance to survive in that tough jungle.

If maybe there are some parents reading this, shall I suggest you to invest some money in this place when your child wants to learn music? It would be even better to support them all the way until they finish it. The road is surely rocky and bumpy, but the top view is worth all the pain. For a long time. Longer, better, and greater than you can imagine.

My mum once said :

” I am having hard times leaving you behind when we moved to another province outside Java while you were only a junior high school student. I often wondered whether it was worthy enough for a mere piano school. It turned out I did the right thing. It was one of my best decisions I made for you.”

I couldn’t agree more to everything she said. I owe this place for so many best things happened in my life.

I am beyond grateful for such great thirteen years journey and a chance to be once a part of its family.