Thoughts – Page 33 – A Penny for My Pensieve

All New Cards on the Table

Posted on 8 Jun 20198 Jun 2019 by arlanadya

Ramadan and Eid have ended for days. I always love the laid back ambience of this month. After having the same pattern for years, something is different for this year Ramadan and Eid.

For the first time after more than thirty years, spending the holy month in a new place other than the old home. I thought it would be a disaster, miserable, and unsurvivable. But, since 2012, it has never been this liberating.

Everything is much simpler, less hassles, and more time to enjoy the silence. Spending most of Ramadan only with this little family suits me most. Simple dishes for sahur and minimalist style for ifthar. I have stopped coming from any ifthar gatherings other than close family since nine years ago. The only thing I crave after a whole day of fasting is a proper silence and wrapped with the comfortable sleep suit. Looked-delicious various food and chit-chat with people are the least things I need for iftar.

It surprised me I didn’t miss what I had back home that much. Maybe because it doesn’t feel that homey anymore? I thought I would be pretty sad. Fact, I feel more than fine and sufficed.

I didn’t miss the hecticness in making dishes schedule for iftar and sahur (it’s a total headache), I didn’t miss taking care of so many people with their own preference, like and dislike and schedule. Although some things taken care by Mbak Wi in the past should be done alone now, but it is still bearable enough.

Eid prayer was never spent other than at the nearby mosque at home, but this year we did the prayer at the airport mosque to catch 9 am flight to Solo. So many things changed on my plate his year.

The rest of this year probably is going to be more bumpy since another new big adventure has waited ahead. Too soon to reveal, yet it’s almost confirmed that the next few months would be physically and emotionally draining.

It’s funny how things are always scarier when they’re getting closer, although those are things that we have been praying for.

It’s always been funny everytime we are waiting the invisible hand shakes the cards and throw them on our table. The only things to do is play along and try our best to make the most of them.

So far, the cards have been pretty fair. We might not get the best cards often. We lost some rounds and manage to win in another. Losing makes the heart stronger and grateful for small winnings given.

The upcoming new cards might be one of the greatest sets that we could ever have and we hope to be able to play them well and turn those cards into more meaningful things. Hopefully.

Wise words can’t do justice of how scary the new jungle we have to face ahead.

Places, Thoughts, Travel

Tentang Seoul : (Tidak) Seramah Senyum Oppa di Drama

Posted on 3 May 20193 May 2019 by arlanadya

Sedikit uneg-uneg tentang Seoul.

Membandingkan Seoul dengan kota besar lain yang dikunjungi tahun-tahun sebelumnya adalah sesuatu hal yang tidak bisa dihindari. Dan hasilnya seperti empat buku tetralogi Ilana Tan yang menjadi tema trip ini, Summer in Seoul resmi menjadi buku dan trip yang paling kurang disukai dibandingkan yang lain.

Banyak kenyataan di lapangan selama 6 hari ini yang buat kami merasa sedikit tidak nyaman, tapi wajar. Lagi bertamu ke rumah orang lain. Tapi lagi-lagi, karena punya pembanding, jadi tolak ukur kenyamanannya seperti yang dirasakan di kota lain.

Soal makanan ngga seburuk itu tapi juga ngga semudah itu. Tiga tempat halal yang kami coba enak semua meskipun dengan harga yang buat kita yaa mahal. Soal tiga restoran akan dibahas lain kali.

Uneg-uneg ini lebih ke tentang orang-orangnya.

Baru di Seoul ini, bawa Langit ngga berdampak signifikan dalam hal-hal sederhana seperti dapet duduk di bis atau jadi ice breaker with stranger. Hampir tiap kali kami naik bis, jarang sekali ada yang menawarkan tempat duduk seperti di Paris, London, apalagi Tokyo. Ini bukannya maksudnya minta juga ya, tapi membandingkan tingkat ‘kepedulian’. Awal-awal agak kaget juga tapi lama-lama ya udah. Berdiri pun ga papa.

Bukan sekedar tentang menawarkan tempat duduk, tapi orang-orangnya jauh dari ramah. Kami yang biasanya semangat banget naik bis, di Seoul ini jadi insecure. Cara orang-orang ngeliat itu entah apa ya definisinya, tapi jauh dari kata ramah dan nerima. Bahkan di bis kalo ada tempat duduk dua dan saya milih duduk di satu yang kosong sambil pangku Langit, mereka ngga terlihat suka dan terganggu. Agak bingung sih. Entah apa karena saya pake jilbab atau memang terganggu dengan anak kecil.

Hal ini bukan cuma di anak mudanya, orangtuanya pun seperti itu. Cara mereka melihat kita itu bukan seperti yang pengen nyapa tapi kaya lagi mengamati aja dan itu kadang ngga nyaman sekali. Ngga tau dengan pengalaman orang lain gimana ya.

Bahkan Paris yang saya pikir lebih tidak ramah, karena banyaknya orang yang bilang gitu, sangat jauh lebih ramah dibandingkan Seoul. Nenek-neneknya yang selalu ajak main cilukba, petugas yang cukup ramah dsb. Setidaknya gini deh, liat saya tatapan mungkin agak mendelik, tapi begitu liat Langit, senyum hampir selalu cair. Sesuatu yang di Seoul jarang sekali kita rasain. Beberapa kali bahkan suka nengok ke dalem strollernya Langit kaya buat ngecek ni apaan. Trus ngeliatin saya/Pak Dokter lagi. Tanpa ekspresi yang berniat senyum atau apa. It feels like we annoy them quite much.

Penjual-penjualnya pun juga sebagian besar jauh dari ramah. Bahkan ada sekali yang kita pengen banget beli karena barangnya bagus dan harganya masuk akal, ahgassi penjualnya dengan terang-terangan nunjukin gesture kalo dia ngga mau kita beli apapun. Biarpun ada label harganya. Agak aneh memang.

Di playgroundnya pun anak-anaknya pun ngga setertib anak-anak Jepang. Kalo di playground Tokyo anak-anaknya malah nyuruh Langit maju duluan, di Seoul Forest misalnya, justru dia kebanyakan diselak. Bahkan sama orangtuanya. Waktu itu kami biarin Langit antri sendiri.

Tapi lagi, untuk bilang sepenuhnya ngga ramah pun juga ngga adil. Waktu pertama kali dateng, kita bayar tiga tiket buat naik airport transfer. Waktu dicek sama petugasnya di bis mereka marah kenapa Langit juga disuruh bayar. Tanpa basa basi, supirnya langsung ngeluarin uang 8000 won dari dompetnya sendiri buat ganti harga tiket Langit. Kita udah tolak tapi dia tetep maksa ngasih. Jadi kita ambil. (Alhamdulillah..).

Beberapa ahjumma dan ahjussi di Insadong, Gwangjang Market, dan rumah makan halal juga nunjukin kebaikan dengan Langit yang selalu dapet sesuatu. Tempat pinsil gratis, crackers, sampe es krim setelah makan. We’re grateful for them. Tapi memang levelnya cukup jauh dibandingkan kota lain. Jauh sekali dari Tokyo yang saya sampe binggung kok bisa ya satu negara orang-orangnya (yang kita temuin dan ada kontak) sebaik itu sama orang asing. Ketika nolong tuh beneran sampe tuntas. Bahkan ketika mereka pun ngga ngerti bahasa Inggris.

Lorong-lorong kecil Seoul pun tidak semenyenangkan dan seteratur Tokyo. Efek bagusnya, lebih aman buat dompet. Tokyo dengan toko di jalan-jalan kecil yang bahkan di tempat yang bukan buat turis itu bahaya sekali. Barang yang kita pikir ngga perlu bisa mereka buat jadi perlu dan harus beli saking lucunya.

Balik ke Seoul.

Soal bersihnya pun masih kalah ya. Masih banyak orang ngeludah juga biarpun jarang. WC pun ngga sekering, sewangi dan sebersih Tokyo. Selain itu yang paling penting, wcnya persis wc eropa aja. Ngga ada tombol-tombol canggih yang bisa pakai air kaya di Tokyo. Saya selalu bawa botol Aqua kosong.

Jelas pendapat ini sangat subyektif. Mungkin kasus saya hanya sebagian kecil aja. Kaya kasus saya dan Paris yang menyenangkan. Mungkin sebenarnya memang kami aja yang kurang cocok dengan Seoul. Hal lain juga mungkin karena faktor bahasa. Tapi, secara keseluruhan memang ramah dan menyenangkan bukan kata yang tepat untuk menggambarkan orang korea secara general.

Keputusan untuk tinggal hanya lima hari di Seoul ternyata tepat sekali. Ternyata oppa tidak seramah di drama.

Maternité, Thoughts

Teaching Patience to Find The Right One and Doing The Right Thing

Posted on 25 Mar 20199 Apr 2019 by arlanadya

Impatient is my middle name when it comes to deal with (certain) small things. I always want to do it as soon as possible. Like finishing all the chores before lazying around, unpack the luggage until it’s safely restored to its place right after arrived home from travelling (even after 17 hours flight), love rushing things to get them done as soon as possible. But, funnily, it’s not applicable for doing monthly report. I don’t know why for this one, procrastinate has always been chosen.

Being impatient also becomes my strength and weakness in parenting. Thanks to this trait, I always left my house tidily before going out every morning. No dishes left on the sink. Langit could never leave home with an empty stomach and unbathed, even when we have six am flight. But, what I haven’t been so proud is the way I am doing it.

I couldn’t stand watching her chewing the food slowly, dress herself with so many things to do in between, doh, it makes my voice raise. I walk fast and she has to catch me often. I am the type of continously babbling mother when something doesn’t suit my way.

There were few recent situations that slapped me quite much. Some situations where it is clearly shown that parents are often so selfish. And it makes me wonder, what I have been doing as a mother other than scolding and asking her to do things?

Yesterday, I needed to buy a pair of shoes. I have been looking for it for days and still havent got the right one. My small feet is quite complicated. Having 35 shoes size is not normal here and for formal shoes, it’s pretty hard to find that size. I am quite desperate about this one due to certain family wedding in few weeks, and I think I don’t have a proper shoes that go well with the attire.

Other than the size, what makes it more complicated is my other term and condition which said it should be wearable daily after the wedding. So, rather than a selop, I want a black suede high heels, high enough to look good in kain, short and comfortable enough to use daily. To make it fussier, price is limited to certain range.

Ninety percents of my formal shoes are all european brands. Gabor, Bally, and two less famous names purchased in Paris. It’s simply because they have 35 size in their catalog and such brands couldn’t be found just anywhere. Only in specific shopping centres in the south. I couldn’t wait until next week because the traffic would be so unbearable after payday. So, yesterday was non-negotiable. For me who doesn’t like shopping around, more, going far just for a pair of shoes, this one must be that important and desperate.

Things often got so twisted when you want something the most. Right after arrived there, Metro was closed for renovation until June and the only option was Sogo. But, I know Sogo didn’t offer as many choices as Metro. The first round, several pairs caught my attention, tried it,but not that convincing to bring it to the cashier.

After some considerations, I decided to cross the street and looked for some alternatives in the next shopping centre. It was funnier that the very same thing happened here. Debenhams was no longer there, Sogo wasn’t there too and said they’ve been preparing for an re-opening in few months. It was a bit sad but my spirit and hope were still high. I returned to the first mall and visited Sogo once more, hoping this time the result might be different. Because I always believe, you might miss something on the first chance. That’s why second chance is always available in my dictionary.

But, sadly, the result didn’t change at all. After spent almost three hours, I decided to drive to another nearest Sogo. Things I do for something I really want.

It was at least a good choice to go before payday because the traffic was soo nice, that really kept my spirit high, haha. In twenty minutes, I had arrived to next Sogo. What made the spirit was even higher, this Sogo was much bigger and had more options. There would be at least one pair that suited my preference. I also had bargaining my self about the price. As long as it comfortable, a bit higher from the budget would be okay, knowing it would last longer too.

The hope was slowly getting lower when after few laps of searching in almost every table and brand available, many trials this and that, the right one was still nowhere to be found. Sometimes the size,sometimes the price, or sometime when the size and the price fit, it hurt and pressed the toes umcomfortably while wearing it.

It was a bit frustrating until at certain point I told my self, “come on, just settle for less with the closest suitable one. We have spent too much time on this. Just choose one”.

But then, just like what I had told my self and also for Langit later about marriage, I can’t settle for less. It’s better to wait longer and staying without it than settle for less just because you have to do it. Even when you are desperate enough.

I left another Sogo empty handed.

Gave up? Not yet.

I decided to find women shoes corridor stores and tried to find the one in every store. Then, the wait was finally over. I found the right one in the most unexpected place. Just as precise as I really wanted.

A simple black suede with proper heels 35 size shoes. Fit my feet beautifully, meet my budget perfectly.

I wore it right after asar prayer and it didn’t hurt at all. The right shoes won’t hurt your feet. A bit tiring about the heels maybe unavoidable, but it wont give any harms.

That is just like when you’re marrying the right person on the right time.

Now, the question is : who was the most patient one in this process?

I wasn’t. Langit was.

I was surely patient since I was the one who had the urge. But Langit had no advantage at all.

She had been following me since morning, taking care some works too before shoes searching, then stopped by at my father’s house after that. We just arrived home around 8 pm. Almost twelve hours outside and no single frowning and nagging along that time.

If I were her, I would have been lying on the mall floor and nagging my parents to go home after three hours. Just like what I did during her first field trip few weeks ago. I withdrew and asked permission to leave early after survived the crowd and the noise for four hours and took her home.

I apologized to her few times yesterday when she looked tired, but she coped up with that quite well. She tried many women shoes too, played with her toys, even tried several kids shoes on the last store when I found the one. The eyes said she wanted them too but since she knew and being told that she had her new shoes recently, she didn’t nag further.

When we arrived home, she asked me quietly, “can I have some chips? Satu aja,”. She asked for some Pringles chips she got from birthday goody bag that I have kept. It was reachable enough for her to take it, and it was actually hers too, but I banned her from eating it much. One until three pieces per two or three days would be fine but not everyday. She asked me on Friday and Saturday and I said no. I couldn’t say no for what she had been through yesterday. So, permission granted.

I was busy taking care of clean laundry at rooms while she was watching and munching on the couch at the living room. After few minutes, when I was almost done with all the stuff and remembered to check her to make sure she didn’t keep eating it, I saw her just watching with the tiny piece of pringles on her hand.

She didn’t hold the tube at all. The pringles can was on the same place as I put it. It means, she just took few of those. And judging from the short interval time from asking permission until I watched her, she might really take it one single chip as she told me.

(Updated : two days later she asked me again for another chip. She said one. This time I really watched her and it still surprised me that she really took literally one then returned the tube to its original place. After that, she ate the chips little by little. But never asked for more).

I am a bit ashamed to say I am really proud of her.

Being a geographically single parent for a year, surely took so much patience and I have done it well, but compared to this little girl, my patience level is still too low.

Glad we safely and sanely passed this one year.

I wont stop being impatient after this writing for sure, but hopefully being a bit more mindful about something that deserves being fussed.

Like just what I did before finished this writing.

Scolding her for breaking another plate. Not much, just enough.

Sigh.

Thoughts

An Anniversary to Celebrate

Posted on 6 Mar 20196 Mar 2019 by arlanadya

My late mother told me that your workplace should become your second home. One that you return to every single day, spent most of the day there, it would only be better to feel like home in such place. Definition of home is not merely where the heart is. It’s a place where you know you belong, a place filled with joy with the people you love.

I still remember vividly how that March 6, 2004 was. I was wearing blue stripes shirt with brown skirt, took M18 angkot with the one who’d been always there during my first of everything that happened before 2012. I spent my first 2 hours in my second home. Today, it’s been fifteen years since that cloudy Saturday.

I once wrote about long term relationship. This playground is one of long term relationships that I treasure the most. One that keeps me sane during the worst broken heart, one that helped a lot during hard times, one that sent me achieved three my 20 something dreams, its flexibility that allowed me to take care of my mother during her last days as well as being able to be present for Langit most of the time, one that became the only resource for first 6 months of residency, an escape that I longed for comeback after first two crazy months of motherhood. One that always gives me happiness while doing it.

Like Ron Weasley said to Harry Potter when that boy who lived arrived for the first time at The Burrow : “It’s not much. But, yeah, it’s home”.

It describes precisely what I feel about this job. It might be not the fanciest job, the most sophisticated one, or the highest paid too, but for me, it’s home.

Happy 15th anniversary, home.

Thoughts

Change of Heart

Posted on 14 Feb 201914 Feb 2019 by arlanadya

After letting go lots of meaningful and important things in life that have been around for years, or almost a whole of my age, last month, slowly, the heart starts adapting well to new changes. For someone who is always holding on something for a long time,the way this heart changes is quite surprising.

Used to against the old quote saying that home is where the heart is and it’s not about the place. Stayed in the same house for more than 30 years, then how come home was not about the place? Many important moments in life took place there. But, maybe I forget something : what makes a home is the people inside. So when the people were gone, the feeling followed.

The change of home brings new findings too. I had always been afraid of either basement or high level parking. Never bring a car to any places when I know the parking doesn’t provide land parking. But then, in this new home, I finally overcome the fear after years. I finally nail sharp climbing to the upper level parking, although everytime I do it, I pray loudly, take my breath slowly and spell many zikir until it is safe enough.

In this new home, I find more time for my self. Especially in the morning and after a long tiring day. Morning rush feels more comfortable since I only take care two easy girls like me and my daughter when the doctor is not around.

It’s quite hard to believe that now I feel more comfortable staying in my new home than the one I had been staying for more than thirty years. Although I still visit it often and some parts of my needs depend on there, but staying overnight doesn’t feel the same anymore. Surprisingly, Langit feels the same way too since she keeps telling me to go back to her new home when we stay for few hours in her old one.

I came to realize although it might be not always pleasant, but some changes are unavoidable and needed to continue life. To see the next new best things life offers ahead. To grab and learn new opportunities to grow.

Staying long in comfort zones is still my favorite place to be. The place where I have luxuries to not doing things I have to do alone in my new home. But, some changes that have been offered along my life, it brought more blessings and surely are much better than my fears. Who knows in few years I turn out to be an acceptable cook when the situation makes me do it? Cooking is never my thing. It’s sad because I was born from a very great one. The greatest well known cook in family. If it really comes true, then I believe that miracle does exist.

Pray for more strengths as few more major changes might have taken place this year.

It’s scary.

Thoughts

Tiga Dalam Hidup

Posted on 19 Jan 201919 Jan 2019 by arlanadya

1. Tahu untuk merasa malu.

2. Punya rasa takut.

3. Mengerti artinya cukup.

——————————————

Hidup harus tahu rasa malu untuk tidak mengambil dari yang bukan haknya.

Punya rasa takut untuk tetap berhati-hati ketika hidup sedang di atas tapi punya keyakinan untuk bertahan ketika hidup sedang di bawah.

Paham bahwa keinginan untuk punya lebih selalu ada, tapi tau kapan harus merasa cukup, berhenti sejenak dan mensyukuri yang ada harus selalu dijaga.

Malu adalah landasan karena itu ia dikatakan sebagian dari iman. Takut adalah lapisan kedua supaya kita selalu berbaik sangka. Cukup merupakan penutup untuk selalu menambah syukur dan mengurangi rasa takabur.

Malu, takut, dan cukup bukan halangan untuk maju. Tapi tiga hal yang harus selalu diingat bahwa semua yang diberikan selalu ada masa berlaku hingga saatnya dikembalikan untuk kemudian dipertanggungjawabkan.

Thoughts

La Coeur Troublè

Posted on 13 Jan 201913 Jan 2019 by arlanadya

Certaine temps c’est la vie en rose. L’autre temps c’est la vie en rows. À commencer de dimanche hier, une occasion major a changée presque tout la vie.

Je ne veut pas raconter l’histoire ici mais Je seuleument besoin d’ecrire un jour que montre mal sort existe.

La vie ne sera plus la méme après le treize janvier.

Thoughts

Welcome Note

Posted on 6 Jan 2019 by arlanadya

It’s been six days of the new calendar but January has brought more than a year could give. Two upcoming weddings, a major change of living place and turn out, another big change is on the way for the second semester.

Since 2012, I have learned a lot in a hard way that plans always come with twists. The bigger the plan, the twist will follow equally. Sometimes, it feels scary to make plans, but what’s life without any plans? Going with the flow is suffocating too.

Maybe the most awaited thing this year is the end of the doctor’s compulsory service. Another hope is for the small bussiness to grow bigger and better, and for all of us to be healthy and happy, although it won’t be easy, to pass this year safely.

Amin.

Thoughts

Summary

Posted on 25 Dec 201828 Dec 2018 by arlanadya

It’s been a long time since the last real writing. A writing that unloads what’s inside the head and help the heart feels lighter. Not kind of a trip report that could be some helps for other.

This year has been exciting, full of new adventures and surprises, both pleasant and not so one(s), and I love the fact that I read very much more than the past years since twitter exists.

I have certain things that I really have a long ranting and write in details but the mood is rarely here. So, I think a summary would be a good start.

In January, the doctor finished his very last exam in residency and after five years he graduated in February. Surviving residency with all those shits given was such a big milestone. Not only for him, but more for me. Residency gave more than just a title on the back of his name. It made me discover what I am capable of and confirm that my head has been always working better than my heart when it comes to relationship.

The first trip of the year in February was doing with extended family to Bali. Never really enjoyed Bali. Like I never enjoy Indomie or KFC. Not the first time and went the same for the second time. Stayed in five star hotel eighteen years ago and three star hotel this year didn’t make a change of heart about this most favorite island in the world. Oh, and I am not really fond of a group trip where others punctuality is not too reliable.

Trip in March was one of the most exciting ones this year and it was like a soothing trip for the rough and tough one year adventure started in April. We spent seven days having (late) Winter in Tokyo. Compared to previous Autumn in Paris and Spring in London, Tokyo was less hassles and quieter. The expectation was quite low for an european minded girl but Tokyo was an exceed expectation. Hospitality, food, nature, people, in almost everything. The ticket price was pretty nice, I even got below normal price for their nation airline and was so happy about their service. Japanese hospitality is quite unbeatable.

April marked the biggest adventure of the year for this little family. New policy made just few months before residency graduation. One year compulsory service for five major specialist including the doctor’s. Having a long distance marriage was unavoidable. We had been dealing with several hints which gave pretty high hope to do the work nearby but in the end, we chose to let the fate decide. Tanah Bumbu was the destined place and writing this eight months later, we couldn’t think any better places than this one. Hopefully, we will finish this safe and sound until the end. Amin.

April was also another family trip to Jogja which I wasn’t really impressed in almost every part. The city, the hotel, the food, the trip, it was not so enjoyable for me.

We had a chance to visit Surabaya and stayed in our best favorite place this year. Unlike Jogja, Surabaya trip was impressive and became my second favorite this year. I am always in about nice, clean, and walking friendly big city. Surabaya now is definitely one.

June spent by having annual mudik trip and for the first time we were going by train for cost saving. Going by train might be not time-friendly, but it is surely less hassle.

July spent quietly without moving around but a big milestone for the baby took place. She started her very first school year and gladly she’s been enjoying school a lot. She has been showing lots of improvements, some more were above expectation. We’re so grateful about that.

Another unexpected trip came in August. Aftee six years, visiting Kuala Lumpu once again granted. While the doctor having seminar, the girls were sight seeing by themselves. Meeting Siti and her little family was the trip highlight.

The small bussiness we run celebrated its first anniversary too in August. Survived the first year matters a lot. Some people were gone, the old layout changed into a new one, and so far the second year has been more enjoyable with less squad but more effective in many aspects. It’s not only a mere bussiness who generates money, to me, this one feels like my second child.

September was the slowest month this year and I loved it. But, some news shaken the balance of the family which also becomes the first major change happen next year, God’s will. Not really want to go detailed about this.

October is time for new age for both of us and as usual, almost zero celebration.

November has always been the gloomiest since six years ago. Not only because of the circumstances, but the weather has been also supportive about that. The baby turned four this month and she was having small birthday celebration at her two schools. I, who against the idea at the beginning, should be grateful after receiving the pictures her teacher sent showing her big smile and happy face.

Finally, December came and after six years of marriage, we moved out to our own place, not because we want to but more of we have to. Glad we found one that suited us best at the moment. Although it was still soft moving out, this one is a big change for me. Leaving the place I treasure dearly called home for more than thirty years feels like another end of comfort zone. Then, it means growing up to the next level would be taking place next year.

Heading to the new year is exciting as well as frightening when facing certain and uncertain life changing events are on schedules. I wish nothing more than the strength, patience and complete guide to do things that we have to do, to pass every test given while keep being grateful for every single blessing bestowed upon us.

Amin.

Thoughts