Few months ago, I wrote a post with same title here and I just realized that maybe the very same reason could explain why long term married couples broke up.
We have heard many testimonials about how different life is before and after marriage with the same person. Many couldn’t even survive the first five years, no matter how long they’ve been together and have known their partner before the marriage. The gap between reality and expectations might be too much to handle, and separation might be the best answer for both. It makes sense to me.
But, what happened with those who have survived more than ten or twenty years together? I mean, what happened? After all those years together? These couples have survived many life’s ups and downs, trials and turbulence. Like they have come so far from the low bottom to the top of the mountains, so they must be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them, as a well-trained team.
Apparently, it’s not always the case. Along the way, growing apart is also possible. I started understanding that money can’t buy everything (once the money is there). Financial security might be essential, but, it’s not fundamental.
In the Big Four post a few years ago, in achieving anything, to make everything work, money is number one, but its function stops there. You still need the other three things that without those, money alone won’t take you anywhere.
Being on one page and at the same frequency for years doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same throughout the course. Along the way, each other’s vision might change to different directions. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but through little changes that occur gradually until, at a certain point, they are already standing too far from each other to even get back together.
Then, there’s where they part ways.
I had a session with a psychologist yesterday, and she said, “Normally, as we grow old, the circle is getting smaller. And it’s possible that the smaller circle could not only get closer but also further, even with one who’s the closest to us.”
The right person one married to in his/her 20s might be not the right person to survive the marriage in their 40s or 50s.
This is maybe the reason why marriage in Islam is considered ibadah, just like five prayers a day, Zakat, fasting, and Hajj. Ibadah takes hard work, discipline, commitment, self control, emotional regulations, physical and mental health. It’s hard.
Doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj demands our financial, physical, and mental strength. Many things will distract us from doing that, not only the evil outside but also the one inside.
Nothing good comes easy, right? A good life demands a lot of maintenance said one of my readings. So does a good marriage, I guess.
The consequences of neglecting those things are never received in an instant. That’s why many people drift away aimlessly. They won’t feel much difference between doing it or not. Until a certain point, the only way is going down.
The way Allah takes blessings from our life is never once and done. It’s usually done one by one, little by little, and sometimes, it’s not so obvious. What’s taken is not really tangible and measurable, like things or money.
What’s taken is usually the peace felt at heart, at home, more money less tranquillity, the feeling of being sufficient with what you have, the enjoyment and the want of doing salat and other rituals properly, endless busyness that takes you nowhere, the less time spent with those who really matter, the happiness for the little blessing that might seem nothing, but actually, they are everything. Things that no amount of money could bring back, unless you do the work required again.
“Guide us along the Straight Path, the Path of those You have blessed—not those You are displeased with, or those who are astray.”
We read that very line, to be guided on the straight path, 17 times a day in our salat. It’s easier said and done. Because in the reality, any path other than straight one is always easier to choose.
Keeping ourselves on a straight path as an individual requires constant effort, a strong will, and continuous learning. It requires cleaning our lenses regularly so we can see clearly. It requires keeping updating and adjusting our focus to stay on the path. To remind ourselves endlessly what and where the endgame is.
I guess keep staying on a straight path, together in marriage, requires the same thing.
And maybe that’s the only way to avoid growing apart.
A Penny for My Pensieve 