Nothing compared to the tranquility between 3.00-4.30 am daily.
The silence at home, the sound of white noise around, and the darkness of the living room. Those combinations are another level of addiction and something that I am craving for daily.
It feels like a refreshing warm up to start the day. It prepares all the muscles to get ready to deal with whatever the day would bring.
It gives one of the life goals that I constantly pursue :
A peace of mind with a grateful heart.
If book titles describe my life,then up to this 40 years, it has been a series of Unreasonable Hospitality bestowed by Allah the Almighty.
All the things that brought me here,the ups and downs, have been The Ride of a Lifetime.
Where I am in my 40th year is the combination of Allah’s endless favours,the love and support I received from my loved ones and the accumulation of self-courage to constantly choose and Do Hard Things from The Defining Decade and the following one after that.
When I look back, Thinking in Bets often becomes my standard operating procedure for navigating life, especially when it comes to something that matters to me because, for many things, it Always Seems Impossible Until It’s done.
If one asks How to Measure Your Life? Looking back, I see the choices made with no regrets: Finish What You Start, enjoy Tiny Beautiful Things, live A Walking Life, and keep training for an Organized and Disciplined Mind through consistent Atomic Habits for the past 20 years.
I am far from The Smartest Kid in The World, but I am blessed with Grit,a right Mindset, love playing The Infinite Game for the most important things, applying Clear Thinking to maintain certain things What Money Can’t Buy.
I don’t always have self-confidence, but I always believe in Berserahlah, Biarkan Allah Mengurus Hidupmu. May Allah grant me more wisdom, strength, patience, and guidance to navigate life learnings and winnings in this new decade. Amin.
The month of another year getting older always feels bittersweet.
Over the last few years, I have felt like I have a compounding understanding of many things, especially about myself: why I am who I am, why I do what I do, why things happen the way they do, and more.
I finally found some answers to my question from my 20s. I wrote this particular question constantly in my diary when I was dealing with something emotionally draining for a long period of time. I didn’t have any idea how to have a complete closure and move on because such things kept coming back for more.
Such a question is equally draining since you have to wait to get to the answer—until time tells you.
It’s difficult sometimes to distinguish between “Is this a hard thing I’m supposed to work through?” or “Is it hard because it’s the wrong thing and I need to let go?”.
This is a question that applies to many confusion in my 20s.
Fast forward to 20 years later, here I am,
after specific experiences and statistics of results,
safely said I found the answer :
It’s more about the former than the latter.
The wrong one usually will find its exit way much sooner than later. No matter how much you hold on to them, it will slip away.
While the right one will persist and stay, no matter how hard you try to shoo it away, it always finds its way to return.
Most of the time, everything right is unusually hard and tough. Since such thing is destined to be yours, although you’ll never know how long it will be yours, you have to do the work. You have to overcome whatever hardship until it will be safely arrived on your hand.
This perfectly fits the concept of sustenance in Islam. It says that when your heart desires something, Allah gives it to you for some reason. But, you have to do the work to get it, and trust that you’ll get it in the end. When and how, it’s not yours to decide.
The more beautiful thing about this : there’s no such things as NO as an answer. It will be always a YES, with three different situations :
It takes getting older for me to understand this. I watch to see how my prayers and dreams come true one by one. That’s why I call it a privilege to be getting older.
It also makes me realize another thing :
It’s impossible to keep up with all Allah’s blessings, which have been running at an exponential curve while I am still returning them at my slow walking pace in a simple, irregular (more downs than ups) curve.
In the end, doing your best is the only way to go.
Again, it’s stated in one of the most beautiful verse in Quran :
“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss”.
Among the many privileges of getting older that Allah has been lending to me, being a Moslem and being among the true believers (Mu’min), which I hope and keep trying to climb the ladder to be the Muhsin and Muttaqin, is indeed the biggest and the most important privilege that I won’t trade for anything else.
May Allah make it easier for what my heart desires.
Amin.
Few months ago, I wrote a post with same title here and I just realized that maybe the very same reason could explain why long term married couples broke up.
We have heard many testimonials about how different life is before and after marriage with the same person. Many couldn’t even survive the first five years, no matter how long they’ve been together and have known their partner before the marriage. The gap between reality and expectations might be too much to handle, and separation might be the best answer for both. It makes sense to me.
But, what happened with those who have survived more than ten or twenty years together? I mean, what happened? After all those years together? These couples have survived many life’s ups and downs, trials and turbulence. Like they have come so far from the low bottom to the top of the mountains, so they must be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them, as a well-trained team.
Apparently, it’s not always the case. Along the way, growing apart is also possible. I started understanding that money can’t buy everything (once the money is there). Financial security might be essential, but, it’s not fundamental.
In the Big Four post a few years ago, in achieving anything, to make everything work, money is number one, but its function stops there. You still need the other three things that without those, money alone won’t take you anywhere.
Being on one page and at the same frequency for years doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same throughout the course. Along the way, each other’s vision might change to different directions. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but through little changes that occur gradually until, at a certain point, they are already standing too far from each other to even get back together.
Then, there’s where they part ways.
I had a session with a psychologist yesterday, and she said, “Normally, as we grow old, the circle is getting smaller. And it’s possible that the smaller circle could not only get closer but also further, even with one who’s the closest to us.”
The right person one married to in his/her 20s might be not the right person to survive the marriage in their 40s or 50s.
This is maybe the reason why marriage in Islam is considered ibadah, just like five prayers a day, Zakat, fasting, and Hajj. Ibadah takes hard work, discipline, commitment, self control, emotional regulations, physical and mental health. It’s hard.
Doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj demands our financial, physical, and mental strength. Many things will distract us from doing that, not only the evil outside but also the one inside.
Nothing good comes easy, right? A good life demands a lot of maintenance said one of my readings. So does a good marriage, I guess.
The consequences of neglecting those things are never received in an instant. That’s why many people drift away aimlessly. They won’t feel much difference between doing it or not. Until a certain point, the only way is going down.
The way Allah takes blessings from our life is never once and done. It’s usually done one by one, little by little, and sometimes, it’s not so obvious. What’s taken is not really tangible and measurable, like things or money.
What’s taken is usually the peace felt at heart, at home, more money less tranquillity, the feeling of being sufficient with what you have, the enjoyment and the want of doing salat and other rituals properly, endless busyness that takes you nowhere, the less time spent with those who really matter, the happiness for the little blessing that might seem nothing, but actually, they are everything. Things that no amount of money could bring back, unless you do the work required again.
“Guide us along the Straight Path, the Path of those You have blessed—not those You are displeased with, or those who are astray.”
We read that very line, to be guided on the straight path, 17 times a day in our salat. It’s easier said and done. Because in the reality, any path other than straight one is always easier to choose.
Keeping ourselves on a straight path as an individual requires constant effort, a strong will, and continuous learning. It requires cleaning our lenses regularly so we can see clearly. It requires keeping updating and adjusting our focus to stay on the path. To remind ourselves endlessly what and where the endgame is.
I guess keep staying on a straight path, together in marriage, requires the same thing.
And maybe that’s the only way to avoid growing apart.
Everyone must have certain limit that they set for themselves about something or other people.
Is it confusing?
I am not in a very clear mind while writing this too. Let’s restart.
I, am someone, who prefers being misunderstood than busy explaining the truth.
I, am someone, as I wrote before, who prefers being JOMO than FOMO, in many things in life.
I love being invisible and live life free of drama.
I have a very tiny circle of friend that mostly last more than 20 years.
I am very private and selective about the people I allow to enter my area of life.
For me, my peace of mind is ultimate priority. I will do almost everything to be traded with peace of mind.
I rarely seek any validation, approval, or anything much from human.
My chance to be hurt by other people is too low.
While I seem so cold and distant to other people, I think I am the most kind to that tiny circle of mine.
While I am saying no very often to those outside the circle, I would say yes to almost everything for that circle.
I am a cold blood introvert to the bone, but, I am a loud extrovert to that circle.
I am not only talking about friends but also families.
As the price of being so selective, I could only be hurt by those whom I trust and care the most.
When that happened, the damage would be much much bigger than any ordinary damages.
These past few days, I learnt, no matter how selective I have been, there’s always a room for misjudgement as I am human too.
The hell I have been dealing with inside not only ruins the mood but it can burn the strongest bridge.
Theoritically , I know how untrustworthy human can be, but, to be betrayed by your closest friends or family, that is another level of crazy.
I have several first hand of experiences, but, it never gets easier everytime.
I remember one of the quotes from Shoe Dog, I really certain it is there, but, I couldn’t find it in my bookmarked list. It says like this :
« love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting they won’t use it. »
It’s time to reassess again.
It’s time to exercise the principle below :
Apology (might be) accepted, Access denied.
September has been the most bittersweet month of the year since five years ago.
No matter how much I bore people with telling, showing, and doing so, I never get tired of repeating it. I could recycle all the memories thousand times over and over again.
It wasn’t merely about moving to one of the most exciting cities in the world. What I truly admired from us five years ago was courage.
We bravely moved without knowing where to stay, thinking renting a house in London would be as easy as renting in Basura: viewed once, deal, paid. It’s hard to believe that I was so naive, thinking that I just had to make a list of properties and then call the agent once we got there to make appointments, only to find none of those agents returned the calls.
We restarted the search from the beginning and only had a week to find permanent rent. Managed to get two viewing appointments, one of which was clearly a no, which left us with the only option we should take.
The opposite of all searching had been done in an unfamiliar area. The process took many sessions of “what?”, “How?”!!, “Really?! ” for days until the agent safely handed the key to our hand on September 12.
We emptied almost all of our savings just to pay the deposit and first month’s rent.We even borrowed money from my brother’s friend who was doing his Phd in England to pay for it first because we couldn’t open a bank account without a permanent address.
We lived the first month without any salaries other than the cash I had in my wallet, yet we still bravely made a trip and spent half of it calling the bank and the hospital about the salary we hadn’t received cause we couldn’t survive longer days without it.
I thought living recklessly could only belong to the 20s, yet,we did it in the middle of our 30s in a stranger land far away from friends and family.
But then, I always trust Allah highly, confidently and completely. There was no way he made us survived all the pre-departure mess for months only to let us failed miserably in reality.
I often record hard days more than the good ones, privately.It’s just like a library of experiences,feelings, that might be useful for the future.
Whenever I need some insight in the present about how courageous I can be,I always back to September in 2019.
PS : This writing came up suddenly after another session of flowing tears rewatching Notting Hill. Not sure it was the PMS talking or I just miss London badly.
PS2: If there is another chance to move there once again in the future, will I take it? Then, my answer will be a big, bold no. That was the adventure of a lifetime once and done. Unless, Allah made that the only option.
Yesterday’s morning walk felt like dipping my feet into something unfamiliar. Instead of going to my usual route, I went to the Parliament.
We have been dealing with so many absurdity done by the leader of this country since last February and many months before. It’s about time we have to stop the silence and being loud online. It’s time for us to truly stand up against the biggest bully of the country. I have done more than enough ranting too. Not only one but many.
Since many many years ago, there hasn’t been any boundaries the he and his family haven’t crossed. The audacity of the children who spent lavishly and showed it shamelessly while the people have been struggling endlessly.
There’s no way we just sat still watching all the regulations he changed as he wish for his own sake.
We deserve better than such incompetent, greedy, and crazy man to lead this country.
This might not mean much to change all the bullshit done by the President and his men, but, it’s good to see at least there’s finally some offline loud screaming from the citizens. No matter what the result, at least we already put some good fight.
To say I joined the protest didn’t feel right, I just cheered from the sidelines while saying loud amin for all the prayers on the boards.
This is just beginning, I hope, for something better than doing nothing and just put up with whatever the greedy old man has on his mind.
May Allah be with us.
An excerpt from James Clear’s newsletter last month felt so relatable :
It took me back to a project in Entrepreneurship subject in the fifth semester of college in 2005. It was one of my most memorable and enjoyable subjects in college.
We had to make a book filled with everything that we wanted to do after graduated. A dream book where we made a list of things that we wanted to achieve, have, or pursue. Anything small or big put it down on the book.
I didn’t know about others, but, I really took that assignment seriously. I truly wrote everything wholeheartedly. I wrote every single thing, big or small, simple to hard ones.
Fast forward, I never knew that this list would be a compass to navigate life for almost 20 years after that. How it turned out is exactly like what the newsletter said above.
I ticked certain things that I wrote. It gave me goosebumps about how certain things really turned out as exactly as I wrote it. Not all dreams can come true, but the journey always matters. The process of achieving these items is where all the learning lies.
Dostoyevsky identifies one of life’s great paradoxes: Happiness requires purpose; purpose requires a sense of direction; a sense of direction requires goal-setting— but happiness cannot be had by realizing those goals. True satisfaction comes from progress in the struggle toward the goal.
I put Going to Hajj as the number one thing I wanted to do after graduation. At that time, I had already registered myself, studying while working four jobs simultaneously. It was tiringly satisfying.
Writing these doesn’t mean you have figured out everything; life is always confusing and challenging, no matter what life stage you are doing.
But writing and clearly defining certain things personally helped me not be easily distracted by/envious of what others achieve or have done because I have my goals, which are different from what others pursue. Writing this book made me look at more of the inside than outside.
The only thing I am constantly worried about is whenever I feel I am too far/too lazy/unfocused from what I want to pursue. I was mostly competitive when it comes to my own goals. I don’t care about anyone else’s.
What I learn, there’s no such thing as flawless winning. You might get a great one in something, but, not so much in another thing. To accept that we can’t get everything in life, that is liberating.
Borrowing from the grading of the OWL exam in Harry Potter, life overall has been exceeds expectations for me. It wasn’t exactly like I imagined, but, I couldn’t think of any better one other than what I have right now.
Being able to look back on things you wrote 20 years ago with a warm heart full of gratitude is one of the joys of growing old.
My 20s had been one of my most treasured periods. The 20s is indeed a defining decade where knowing what you want to pursue is the greatest intangible resource to navigate life. It is a decade where you have to figure out about yourself on your own, which was a very exciting journey indeed. The highs and lows, the win and the learning.
From my personal experience, I can safely say, freedom is the highest return of self awareness. Knowing how priceless freedom is, maintaining it is never easy.
Freedom in your 20s is different than in 30,40, and so one. It means it’s something that you have keep working on. It’s not once and done forever.
Thus, the best thing we can do is to keep figuring out what’s inside, stay vigilant and enjoy the ride.
What I have been currently practising while waiting for Satuday music lessons.
It’s been a while since I let the little girl alone during the lessons. Let her deal with whatever it is.
Other than being her mom, I have a lot of things that interest me and I am quite eager to try, execute, and pursue it. Having quite some time during her lessons, I searched for a class and found this. Reasonable distance from music school with suitable lesson time.
I slowly moved from not being able to pull the strings properly to shoot quite well on the yellow circle.
I love the feeling of learning new things.
Being among kids around my daughter’s age who are more skillful yet it gives me some insight what these kids mostly talk about. I love being taught by them. A girl ask me : “Mau dibantuin?” (“Do you want me to help you?”) when she saw me having difficulty to pull out the arrows. Oh, I hope my daughter grows as kind as her.
There are very few other young adults too. I feel I belong more standing with this bunch than sitting with some parents on the side waiting for the kids.
Archery suits me in many ways.
It’s not loud.
I don’t need talking much to others.
Everyone is only focused on on their own targets.
It is similar to the reason Murakami writes in his memoir about running :
“Team sports aren’t my thing. I find it easier to pick something up if I can do it at my own speed. And you don’t need a partner to go running, you don’t need a particular place, like in tennis, just a pair of trainers.”
Have you ever met people, although it was only once, but the impact lasted longer than the brief meeting?
Met this old couple many many years ago. They were relatives to my late mother. Never heard of their name, only visited them once and all and didn’t really remember for what reason.
This husband and wife lived modestly, their house was cramped and a bit dark. They had no child, but, they dedicated themselves to take care the kids who were trying to heal from drugs. They lived in Kampung Ambon, an area where it was famous for drugs user. What they did was taking care of those children, brought them to a mosque where he became a chairman, and tried their best to make life better for the kids.
I have never seen ones who have so little yet seem so peaceful.
The last news I had many years ago, the husband passed away on his wife’s lap while listening to Quran the wife read.
The visit to their small home was only around an hour. But, I still remembered the exact word and expression the husband said to everyone.
“The key to a good, strong, and happy marriage is TRUE,”. He said it in Bahasa Indonesia.
He raised his old wrinkled hand and showed four fingers, then closed it one by one,
“Trust. Respect. Understanding. Empathy, It should be in that order”.
He said those in a proper English accent.
His wisdom, the meeting on that day, lived rent free in my mind since then.
A Penny for My Pensieve 