Category: Thoughts

Posted in Life happens, Thoughts

To The Smallest Details

Posted on by arlanadya

There’s a little thing that amazes me when I look at the pattern of how every time this thing comes.

I recognize one thing since my early 20s that my period is rarely on time, but it always comes at the right time. It always comes right when I need it the most.

It doesn’t happen once or twice. It happens so many times until I could recognize the pattern.

The first time I recognized that it always comes at the right time was when I first went abroad with few of my dad colleagues to Singapore. It turned out that praying time wasn’t in their schedule. I remembered that I hadn’t had my period for almost two months.

Then, suddenly, it just came the night before the departure of the trip. I was quite surprised and didn’t prepare for that. I also wasn’t really fond of having period during traveling. But, after knowing I turned out to travel with a group of people who didn’t really include praying time in the itinerary, I thought “what a perfect timing” and felt so grateful for that.

After that, several situations happened that made me realize the pattern of my period that is rarely on time but very much often comes at the right time.

Another memorable one was after pregnancy and giving birth. After around 1,5 years without having period, it suddenly came when I was really exhausted of feeding and teaching eating while it was Ramadan, juggling with many other responsibilities until it didn’t feel like Ramadan anymore. On the peak of my exhaustion, it suddenly came to give me a break for a while.

It wasn’t only the big thing. It goes down to the smallest details. Last September, I had to accompany the little girl to one of the playdates and it might take quite long. I worried that the location was too far for me to go back and forth, and worried about I might have two prayer times outside. Again, I supposed to have my period a week before, but it didn’t happen. On the morning of the play date, it happened.

Last December, I had to drive quite far to the north to do some tests for the little girl. It was scheduled on Thursday, which means it was a fasting day too. Fasting is not a problem, but driving far while fasting and uncertainty of where we would pray was not really up to my liking. Thursday is the schedule of our weekly Quran night too. So, it would be quite tough.

The period had been coming at the same date since September, October, November. But then, in December, it passed the usual date. Five days after the usual schedule, on the night before the test date, it came.

I could imagine my relief breathing while writing this.

I have many many more to write. But, here is one last example.

Every beginning of the month, I will write everyone’s schedule on the board in the kitchen. The doctor’s shift schedule, the little girl’s classes and my fasting schedule along with the iftar and sahoor time. The parents have a routine that whenever the doctor has an afternoon shift, we will send the little girl to the school and proceed to have brunch after that. It is one of the most anticipated monthly events.

Last week I realized that the afternoon shift would be during the date of ayamul bidh fasting (three days white moon fasting). This January, I expected to have the period on the same date as last month, which is three days before the brunch schedule. So, if it happens on the expected date, there wouldn’t be any problems since I won’t be fasting. I even already decided the place for brunch.

But again, it didn’t happen on the expected date. Not on the following day, not the day after the following day. I became anxious because I didn’t really feel good about dropping fasting for brunch, yet, in the other hand, the promise was made too. Although it’s hard, I know which side to take if the period still hasn’t come. Kept sending tiny whisper asking for help so I didn’t have to choose between doing my regular fasting and keeping the promise.

I woke up as usual around 3 am on the date of the brunch and fasting, then it came.

Just like that.

I remember a line that I wrote on the day we moved back from London to Jakarta. Heavily anxious about the situation at that time, with the peak of Covid and many uncertainties ahead of us.

“The decision to return is about putting the utmost trust to the One who decides all affairs. Allah has been taking great care of us everywhere. To the smallest detail. He will do the same, no matter what situation we have to deal with, no matter where we are anywhere in this world”.

That was one of the most powerful lines I have ever written wholeheartedly during one of highest levels of my anxiety.

A simple line that has been proven through thick and thin, high and low, and any seasons of life, after all the best efforts have been done.

To the smallest details.

Found the longer explanation on threads.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

Mengenal Hyperlexia

Posted on by arlanadya

Draft ini sudah tersimpan selama lebih dari empat tahun. Saat itu semua masih kabur dan kalut. Saya tulis panjang lebar karena saya ngga mau lupa apapun yang saya baca dan rasakan saat itu.

Melanjutkan dari post ini.

Anak saya memiliki kondisi yang dinamakan Hiperleksia.

Hiperleksia adalah kondisi yang cukup langka dan tidak sepopuler kawannya, dyslexia.

Hyperlexia is a syndrome characterized by an intense fascination with letters or numbers and an advanced reading ability.

Children who have hyperlexia read at levels far beyond what is expected at their age“.

Hiperleksia adalah sebuah kondisi dimana seorang anak memiliki kemampuan membaca di atas usianya dan ini terjadi sebelum usia 5 tahun. Kata kuncinya adalah : self-taught.

Bisa membaca TANPA pengajaran.

Namun, kemampuan ini tidak diikuti oleh kemampuan MEMAHAMI bacaan yang setara dan kemampuan berbicara yang sesuai dengan usianya.

Dari gambar di atas terlihat jelas bagaimana Hiperleksia ada di sebrang dyslexia. Kebalikan dari anak dyslexia, anak dengan hiperleksia memiliki pengenalan word/symbol yang baik namun pemahaman yang kurang.

Salah satu akun advokasi hiperleksia @andnextcomesl yang saya ikuti menjelaskan dengan baik tentang hiperleksia di bawah ini

Butuh waktu beberapa lama untuk memproses semua ini dan tiba-tiba semua kejadian-kejadian yang sudah lalu menjadi masuk akal :

– Tiba-tiba bisa baca sebelum ulang tahun ke empat. Baca ya, bukan mengeja.

– Baca kamus bergambar berulang-ulang dan menghafal semua isinya

-Melihat benda dan menyambungkannya ke bentuk huruf. Ex : Mommy, it’s a …, it looks like A/B/C, etc.

– Cepat membaca not balok dan huruf arab.

– tanpa pernah diajari, tiba-tiba hafal perkalian.

– Menghafal nama bus dan jurusannya ketika di London, bahkan ketika hanya pernah naik sekali atau pun yang bahkan di luar daerah tempat tinggal kami.

Seperti Dyan @andnextcomesl, salah satu pertanyaan besar saya sejak bertahun-tahun lalu :

Ini jawabannya :

Saya menghabiskan satu hari membaca semua post dari akun ini dengan perasaan campur aduk. Rasanya seperti waktu pertama kali berdiri di depan papan DLD di Alfred Salter 6 tahun lalu.

Menemukan (sekali lagi) apa yang saya cari. Tapi kali ini, semua terasa pas dan benar.

Hiperleksia bukan diagnosis yang berdiri sendiri. Dia bisa bergabung dengan kondisi lain seperti ASD, ADHD atau SPD.

Ada 3 kategori hiperleksia :

Secara kasat mata, anak saya bisa berada antara hiperleksia tipe 2 atau tipe 3. Tipe 3 ini adalah hyperlexia dengan autistic trait namun bukan autistic. Ini yang memerlukan tes objektif lebih lanjut.

(Tarik nafas, lap keringet dan air mata).

Apa level anak saya saat ini? (Konteks : 4 tahun lalu)

Anak saya berkomunikasi sehari-hari dengan baik. Bahkan ‘terlalu baik’ jika memang ada kondisi lain selain hiperlexianya. Sangat suka matematika. Sangat suka bermain make-up, baru-baru ini lumayan bisa main skateboard.

Tapi jelas memerlukan terapi wicara yang terstruktur. Jadi bukan buat belajar bicara atau memperbaiki bicaranya, tapi untuk melatih pemahamannya terhadap bacaan.

Sebenarnya, membaca sudah jadi rutin harian sejak bayi. Tahun lalu lockdown di London, sekolahnya memberikan apps membaca dan matematika gratis buat orangtua (Epic! dan Numbots) . Sampai saat ini kami masih menggunakan keduanya. Setiap hari. Jatah Epic! gratis dalam seminggu adalah 2 jam. Idealnya sehari 20 menit, tapi seringnya dia membaca dua kali lebih lama sehingga kadang 2 jam sudah habis sebelum seminggu.

Ada pilihan Epic! unlimited yang kami akan berikan. Langgannya per bulan sekitar 130 ribu. Kalau bayar sekaligus setahun terakhir kali cek sekitar 1 juta. Aplikasi ini bagus sekali. Pilihan bukunya beragam dan menarik.

Di apps Epic! ini, pada sebagian besar bukunya, di bagian akhir terdapat quiz antara 5-8 pertanyaan pilihan ganda untuk melihat pemahaman anak terhadap buku yang baru dibaca. Anak saya cukup bisa menjawab hampir semua pertanyaannya.

Sedikit contoh :

Skor rata-rata quiznya berkisar antara 80-100%. Jadi, pada umumnya, dia paham apa yang dibaca.

Bagian yang memerlukan support lebih baik adalah bagaimana menjawab secara verbal atau menjawab tanpa pilihan. Selain itu juga, perlu banyak berlatih bagaimana memahami kalimat implisit. Salah satu ciri spesifik dari anak hiperleksia ini adalah mereka memahami kata secara literal.

Kira-kira seperti itu gambarannya.

Di satu sisi, saya bersyukur sekali kembali dipertemukan dengan apa yang selalu dicari. Penting sekali buat benar-benar mengerti untuk bisa menerima dan melanjutkan ‘perjalanan’.

Di sisi lain, ngga peduli sudah menghadapi ini bertahun-tahun, ini ngga mengurangi kegelisahan dan pernyataan, dalam tahap apapun, ini tidak (pernah) mudah.

Tapi, mengutip kata-kata dr. Mustafa dan dr. Sally di post ini cukup memberi sedikit penghiburan :

“She’ll be ok”.

“Every child will find their way. Something that we worry too much now could be irrelevant in the future”.

Semoga.

Kata Marthin Luther King Jr :

“We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope”.

Betul. Tanpa harapan, kami ngga akan pernah sampai ‘di sini’. Harapan yang bawa sampai sejauh ini dan saya percaya, akan lebih jauh lagi.

Akhirnya, dari saya setelah semua yang telah dilewati dan akan dilalui :

It takes a village to raise a child.

It might take a lifetime to understand her.

Posted in Langit Senja, Maternité, Past learning, Thoughts

About Priority

Posted on by arlanadya

New year usually comes with new arrangements. In designing the days spent, it’s not only about plotting clasess/activities in empty schedule.

Choosing a schedule is not only about choosing the time, it’s about choosing priorities and managing the flow and energy from one activity from another.

One of the most rewarding things from this mothering job, it really employs and exercises my lateral thinking skills. Before deciding something, I get to see and consider the things from many angles, not only for her but also many things that has important influence to her. Including and consulting the principal is compulsory, but, as someone who is doing daily operations, I need to operate based on the reality of the situation, but among all, I always stick on the priorities as much as I can.

Learning new things is compulsory, but for the little girl and me. But, at what cost? The class is interesting but, it’s conflicting with prayer time. The class and time are matched, but it is on my fasting day. The class has good advantages, but it is on the day of our regular weekly Quran night. The class fits everything, but, it’s conflicting with my other schedule or vice versa.

In deciding which activities to participate, other than money spent, the more important thing is to consider what we will lose in gaining the knowledge. Opportunity cost is talking here.

Classes and activities may come and go, but certain priorities will always be on the first row. There should be certain things that are non-negotiable. When you know what’s yours, it will give a clear answer to the question. It also makes you easier to say more no than yes.

Based on experiences in few areas of life, when you get your priorities straight, everything else will fall into place.

Posted in Thoughts

The Culture Code

Posted on by arlanadya

Last year, there was of the most memorable readings on my shelf, a book called The Culture Code by Clotaire Rapaille.

The book explains why are people around the world so very different? What makes us live, buy, even love as we do? The answers are in the codes.

These codes are what make American, or German, or French, and they invisibly shape how they behave in their personal lives, even when they are completely unaware of their motives.  And it finally explains why people around the world really are different, and reveals the hidden clues to understanding them all.

Examples of The Culture Code in the book :

This book made me start wondering the most suitable Culture Code for my country. Then, something came to my mind.

The more I see examples in real life, the more I am certain Shortcut is a really suitable code for this country.

This is actually a random rant while reading some news regarding the National Football Team’s coach who had just been sacked before his term ends.

Bonne Année et Bonne Santé!

Posted in Thoughts

The Holiday Struggle

Posted on by arlanadya

It’s been always joyful having holiday at home.

Rested and leisure without any rush or crowd.

But, it’s not all joy.
The hardest struggle during holiday is maintaining the level of discipline on the same amount that we have during school days.

When you have plenty amount of resources, like time (or anything), it takes more vgilance to stay focus and keep your self on the track. Willpower alone is not enough to maintain it.

This is not only about the little girl, but also about her mother. More time in the morning is surely nice for reading and doing other things that are quite hard to do during school days, but, the consequence is the delay of the morning routines.

The true discipline is not who you are when you can’t. It’s who you are when you can, but you don’t.

Enough talking, mommy. Now, do what you preach.

Posted in Disability, Langit Senja, Maternité, Thoughts

End of Semester’s Reflection

Posted on by arlanadya

I am a huge supporter of homeschooling but our situation doesn’t really suit for doing it fully. So I take half of the schooling while still sending my daughter to formal school whose values so far is aligned with what we preach and practice.

This end of semester’s reflection is quite different than the previous ones where it was more sentimental.

This semester I took studying more seriously by implementing regular night study with or without tests. This is more about to reduce the headache due to transition from lower grade levels to upper grades which academic demands are jumping significantly than my passion for teaching and learning.

At the end of this semester, we registered her to a CognitiveMap test in one of the institutions in Jakarta which is also globally renowned. This is not an IQ test, but I think it gives better insight about how the current brain of the child abilities. It test five brain muscles : vision, auditory, sensory motor, focus, and emotional processing.

I searched why these five and found a journal that explains it well. It has been determined that neuroplasticity occuring in childhood brain is mainly related to these five aspects.

Other than insightful, this test result is quite useful to decide and understand more about how she learns best and which area she needs to improve.

I often wonder will I do differently if we didn’t receive any diagnosis? Will I try this much if she is one without any specific conditions? Will I be less worried about her?

I am not sure about the answer. One of my strength which can also be my weakness is, I always take everything seriously. Especially if it’s something that gives significant impact to my life and future.

I made list and notes rigorously.
I read intensely and extensively.
I nag The One who decides all affairs regularly and continuously.

I often wonder whether it’s a blessing or a curse to be this stubborn about something that I think it’s right.

What could soften me a bit is certain phrases from my readings :
« Mothers/parents matter. But, they are not everything ».

Your efforts matter.
But, the end result is never yours.

Posted in Thoughts

A Sweet Addiction

Posted on by arlanadya

Nothing compared to the tranquility between 3.00-4.30 am daily.

The silence at home, the sound of white noise around, and the darkness of the living room. Those combinations are another level of addiction and something that I am craving for daily.

It feels like a refreshing warm up to start the day. It prepares all the muscles to get ready to deal with whatever the day would bring.

It gives one of the life goals that I constantly pursue :

A peace of mind with a grateful heart.

Posted in Books, Life happens, Thoughts

A Year Older and Book Titles

Posted on by arlanadya

If book titles describe my life,then up to this 40 years, it has been a series of Unreasonable Hospitality bestowed by Allah the Almighty.

All the things that brought me here,the ups and downs, have been The Ride of a Lifetime.

Where I am in my 40th year is the combination of Allah’s endless favours,the love and support I received from my loved ones and the accumulation of self-courage to constantly choose and Do Hard Things from The Defining Decade and the following one after that.

When I look back, Thinking in Bets often becomes my standard operating procedure for navigating life, especially when it comes to something that matters to me because, for many things, it Always Seems Impossible Until It’s done.

If one asks How to Measure Your Life? Looking back, I see the choices made with no regrets: Finish What You Start, enjoy Tiny Beautiful Things, live A Walking Life, and keep training for an Organized and Disciplined Mind through consistent Atomic Habits for the past 20 years.

I am far from The Smartest Kid in The World, but I am blessed with Grit,a right Mindset, love playing The Infinite Game for the most important things, applying Clear Thinking to maintain certain things What Money Can’t Buy.

I don’t always have self-confidence, but I always believe in Berserahlah, Biarkan Allah Mengurus Hidupmu. May Allah grant me more wisdom, strength, patience, and guidance to navigate life learnings and winnings in this new decade. Amin.

Posted in Life happens, Past learning, Thoughts

The Privilege of Getting Older

Posted on by arlanadya

The month of another year getting older always feels bittersweet.

Over the last few years, I have felt like I have a compounding understanding of many things, especially about myself: why I am who I am, why I do what I do, why things happen the way they do, and more.

I finally found some answers to my question from my 20s. I wrote this particular question constantly in my diary when I was dealing with something emotionally draining for a long period of time. I didn’t have any idea how to have a complete closure and move on because such things kept coming back for more.

Such a question is equally draining since you have to wait to get to the answer—until time tells you.

It’s difficult sometimes to distinguish between “Is this a hard thing I’m supposed to work through?” or “Is it hard because it’s the wrong thing and I need to let go?”.

This is a question that applies to many confusion in my 20s.

Fast forward to 20 years later, here I am,
after specific experiences and statistics of results,
safely said I found the answer :
It’s more about the former than the latter.

The wrong one usually will find its exit way much sooner than later. No matter how much you hold on to them, it will slip away.

While the right one will persist and stay, no matter how hard you try to shoo it away, it always finds its way to return.

Most of the time, everything right is unusually hard and tough. Since such thing is destined to be yours, although you’ll never know how long it will be yours, you have to do the work. You have to overcome whatever hardship until it will be safely arrived on your hand.

This perfectly fits the concept of sustenance in Islam. It says that when your heart desires something, Allah gives it to you for some reason. But, you have to do the work to get it, and trust that you’ll get it in the end. When and how, it’s not yours to decide.

The more beautiful thing about this : there’s no such things as NO as an answer. It will be always a YES, with three different situations :

  1. Yes, exactly like you want and you don’t have to wait long for that.
  2. Yes, but you have to wait for a quiet long time.
  3. Yes, not exactly what you want, but it will be replaced with something much better than what you want.

It takes getting older for me to understand this. I watch to see how my prayers and dreams come true one by one. That’s why I call it a privilege to be getting older.

It also makes me realize another thing :

It’s impossible to keep up with all Allah’s blessings, which have been running at an exponential curve while I am still returning them at my slow walking pace in a simple, irregular (more downs than ups) curve.

In the end, doing your best is the only way to go.

Again, it’s stated in one of the most beautiful verse in Quran :

“Allah does not require of any soul more than what it can afford. All good will be for its own benefit, and all evil will be to its own loss”.

Among the many privileges of getting older that Allah has been lending to me, being a Moslem and being among the true believers (Mu’min), which I hope and keep trying to climb the ladder to be the Muhsin and Muttaqin, is indeed the biggest and the most important privilege that I won’t trade for anything else.

May Allah make it easier for what my heart desires.

Amin.

Posted in Thoughts

Grow Apart II

Posted on by arlanadya

Few months ago, I wrote a post with same title here and I just realized that maybe the very same reason could explain why long term married couples broke up.

We have heard many testimonials about how different life is before and after marriage with the same person. Many couldn’t even survive the first five years, no matter how long they’ve been together and have known their partner before the marriage. The gap between reality and expectations might be too much to handle, and separation might be the best answer for both. It makes sense to me.

But, what happened with those who have survived more than ten or twenty years together? I mean, what happened? After all those years together? These couples have survived many life’s ups and downs, trials and turbulence. Like they have come so far from the low bottom to the top of the mountains, so they must be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at them, as a well-trained team.

Apparently, it’s not always the case. Along the way, growing apart is also possible. I started understanding that money can’t buy everything (once the money is there). Financial security might be essential, but, it’s not fundamental.

In the Big Four post a few years ago, in achieving anything, to make everything work, money is number one, but its function stops there. You still need the other three things that without those, money alone won’t take you anywhere.

Being on one page and at the same frequency for years doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same throughout the course. Along the way, each other’s vision might change to different directions. It doesn’t happen suddenly, but through little changes that occur gradually until, at a certain point, they are already standing too far from each other to even get back together.

Then, there’s where they part ways.

I had a session with a psychologist yesterday, and she said, “Normally, as we grow old, the circle is getting smaller. And it’s possible that the smaller circle could not only get closer but also further, even with one who’s the closest to us.”

The right person one married to in his/her 20s might be not the right person to survive the marriage in their 40s or 50s.

This is maybe the reason why marriage in Islam is considered ibadah, just like five prayers a day, Zakat, fasting, and Hajj. Ibadah takes hard work, discipline, commitment, self control, emotional regulations, physical and mental health. It’s hard.

Doing five prayers a day demands discipline. Paying monthly Zakat requires commitment. Fasting needs the self control and emotional regulations. Hajj demands our financial, physical, and mental strength. Many things will distract us from doing that, not only the evil outside but also the one inside.

Nothing good comes easy, right? A good life demands a lot of maintenance said one of my readings. So does a good marriage, I guess.

The consequences of neglecting those things are never received in an instant. That’s why many people drift away aimlessly. They won’t feel much difference between doing it or not. Until a certain point, the only way is going down.

The way Allah takes blessings from our life is never once and done. It’s usually done one by one, little by little, and sometimes, it’s not so obvious. What’s taken is not really tangible and measurable, like things or money.

What’s taken is usually the peace felt at heart, at home, more money less tranquillity, the feeling of being sufficient with what you have, the enjoyment and the want of doing salat and other rituals properly, endless busyness that takes you nowhere, the less time spent with those who really matter, the happiness for the little blessing that might seem nothing, but actually, they are everything. Things that no amount of money could bring back, unless you do the work required again.

“Guide us along the Straight Path, the Path of those You have blessed—not those You are displeased with, or those who are astray.”

We read that very line, to be guided on the straight path, 17 times a day in our salat. It’s easier said and done. Because in the reality, any path other than straight one is always easier to choose.

Keeping ourselves on a straight path as an individual requires constant effort, a strong will, and continuous learning. It requires cleaning our lenses regularly so we can see clearly. It requires keeping updating and adjusting our focus to stay on the path. To remind ourselves endlessly what and where the endgame is.

I guess keep staying on a straight path, together in marriage, requires the same thing.

And maybe that’s the only way to avoid growing apart.