This Eid, I met two lifelong friends (separately)
We have been friends since elementary school (1992) and junior high school (1997).
We did not communicate intensely throughout the years, but once we met, everything just flowed naturally—like two people who have known each other for a lifetime.
Three hours of conversation catching up with life, and no single picture taken, no tag or mention needed. This is a lifelong, low-maintenance friendship that makes the heart whole.
After the first half, Ramadan flew by. I had my period nearing the last 10 days, and once I could resume fasting, a sudden change of routine was on.
The Tarawih trip was a spontaneous decision made right after Iftar on the first day I resumed fasting after the period ended. We usually do tarawih at home together. But, I wasn’t really sure what happened, but the idea suddenly popped into my mind.
Maybe we didn’t have to rush early after school because school was already on holiday. Perhaps I crave something more special on the last 10 days of Ramadan.
I enjoyed the six-day tarawih trip we did. We went to six different mosques, each around 5 km from home. We left after iftar and Maghrib and then drove to the mosque. We once spent iftar outside to get close to the mosque chosen that day. It confirmed that I loved tarawih out but not iftar outside. Iftar out is more tiring than doing twenty rakaat of tarawih.
The first day of Eid was spent doing the essentials from morning to evening, and it was tiring. The second day of the Eid holiday was spent resting at home and catching up on some unfinished work. A rest day is much needed before upcoming appointments on the following day. I have also already resumed fasting for Qadha and Syawal, insya Allah.
Fasting after Ramadan is hard, but postponing it is not a good option either. Many years ago, I tried to finish all the mandatory sunnah fasting before the next period. I feel safer and more peaceful fasting than having days of feasting.
May Allah receive all the Ramadan fasting and worship done, and may it be easier to complete all the following fasting. Amiin.
Eid Mubarak and have a blessed one!
Time flies when you‘re having fun.
I have been enjoying this Ramadan, most of the time, at home. No iftar outside up until half of the holy month which I am so grateful for.
The last time I really enjoyed iftar outside was around 2012. After that, I won’t trade anything for iftar at home and it’s getting stronger as I grow older.
Since 2019, I have totally different Ramadan experiences than I did from childhood until 2018. Raised by highly extroverted parents who are always opt to loud Ramadan, I finally found kind of Ramadan that suits me most.
The quiet, the peaceful, and the simple one.
Realizing that the most comfortable iftar done is one you do at home, wearing your comfortable clothes, with a simple meal. No food spread on the table for iftar. Just a decent meal to fill the stomach and one or two snack. Short break after maghrib and before tarawih in silence, then tarawih at home, and bed time at 9-9.30 pm so you can wake up early for tahajud and sahoor.
This might sound boring, but, personally, this is the key to stay healthy and happy all through Ramadan.
This Ramadan, I clipped more routines to prayer times and so far it works pretty well. I love that I have something better compared to last Ramadan. I read more about Islamic scholars books, and I think it’s a blessing that knowledge is really everywhere these days.
Halfway thorough Ramadan, may we all be granted all the blessings and the strong finish at the end of the month. Amiin.
15 Ramadan 1446H
Since finishing The Defining Decade last year, one word has been playing inside my head.
One word that seems to make sense is to explain why people get what they want, achieve what they strive for, and what separates them from those who don’t.
In Ramadan, I know some people/businesses that close fully for the whole of Ramadan, finish the Quran and do many other things that I once wondered how they could do.
Among many words that could explain contributing factors to the cases above, first and foremost, it starts with one thing :
Intention.
Those people above are all being intentional in the first place.
They know what they want to do and achieve; they know Ramadan is coming, so they’re intentionally preparing for it.
When we are intentional, we choose to make decisions and take action on what’s important to us. Being intentional means getting clear and upfront about what you want to achieve. We intentionally set an intention to achieve a specific outcome or result in the future that is important to us.
Setting goals without the proper intention won’t take us far and long. That explains why many New Year resolutions fail, diet regimes lasts for a while, and many more. When we only hav goals, we only play for a short term. But, when we’re being intentional, we’ll keep playing no matter what.
It also makes sense why In Islam our reward is only as good as our intention. It emphasizes being intentional is the foundation of all the deeds that we do.
Our Ramadan and our life in general, here in this dunya, and later in the hereafter, is only as good as our intention.
It is both this simple and this hard.
For up to 10 days, there’s a single line that I repeat to either my daughter or her father whenever we’re out : “Why is it so empty and quiet?”
This Ramadan is unusually quiet and less crowded than before. In a regular pattern of numerous past Ramadans, in the morning, the traffic would be getting crowded, like really crowded, around 7 to 9 am. But, the trip to school for the past 10 days has been the most enjoyable. I cursed less than before, apart from refraining due to fasting.
That’s weekdays. I was driving thrice last Saturday. In the morning, it was empty. Okay, it’s normal for Saturday morning roads in Ramadan to be empty. I went out the second time at 11 a.m. for swimming practice. It was still empty, slightly. It only took 10 minutes to go to the pool. What’s more unusual, it took around 10 minutes to go home from the pool, which normally takes at least 20-30 minutes.
Then, we went out again around 2 p.m. for a therapy session. I overslept and thought we would be late for 2:30 p.m. We left at 2.10 p.m. and arrived leisurely at 2.27 p.m.
The most weirdest thing of all, when we went home around 4 pm, the traffic was as leisure as the departure. Slightly more crowded, but that was not the typical Saturday traffic in Ramadan, at the beginning of month.
Saturday in Ramadan has always been the time when people go out to have an iftar gathering. Usually, we need to go out and book a table as early as 4 pm and the traffic has always been crazy.
Yet last Saturday, there was close to zero traffic. The traffic has never been this good, yet I felt so bad.
Another regular I don’t see much this Ramadan is a blewah and timun suri ( cantaloupe and a kind of cucumber fruit only available in Ramadan) seller. They are a significant component of the Ramadan vibe around the town. Usually, a few days before Ramadan starts, we can see both fruits everywhere.
This Ramadan, I hardly see any.
I went to a traditional market today, which was as quiet and empty as possible.
Ramadan is the most festive season of the year, but it feels like we have a silent Ramadan this year. Unlike in 2020, when it was tense due to COVID-19, this year it feels more unlively and, say, a bit depressing and gloomy.
The country’s current situation is undoubtedly not at its best.
On to the second leg of Ramadan. Bismillah.
10 Ramadan 1446 H.
Ramadan is not a time to catch up with outsiders and external stuff. We have another 11 months to do that.
Ramadan is a time and space to catch up and take care of whatever we have been neglecting inside.
The inside work requires silence. Turning down the volume knob and shutting down all of it so we can hear clearly.
5 Ramadan 1446H
Entering this new decade makes me wonder more than usual.
Questions about many things that have passed and even more questions about what lies ahead.
Entering my 20s with high spirits, fully optimistic, and the assurance that the future will be bright. Holding tight to my three big dreams ready to fight whatever battle to achieve them.
Entering my 30s, I was exhausted, anxious and defeated after all the lessons taught during my 20s. Especially in the last years of the 20s. But, during the 30s, I arrived at many peaks that I didn’t even imagine I would climb in the previous decade. If the first five years were bleak, then the last five years of the 30s were full of adventures that make life more enjoyable. This is also the period where I feel like I have had everything I need and want.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have many that I haven’t got and still want to get, I have a lot of plans about my daughter and with the doctor, but basically, I get everything covered for myself right now.
Explained in Maslow’s pyramid, up until the fourth stage, I feel like I have had enough for now.
I found a very good writing about the fifth on the Top (I added this one day after this writing was published and it is once again confirmed, the right book/articles/reading always comes at the right time. This is one of the best substacks on my inbox)
Being grateful and knowing what’s enough is undoubtedly good. But I found another angle that I didn’t think I would use.
Entering 40 with all the blessings turns out to be confusing. I am beyond grateful, but, I can’t believe I tell myself the same line that often played inside my head when I was exhausted, burned out, and tired in my early 30s, “shouldn’t be more life than this?”.
Human is truly a complex creature.
I didn’t really remember about having a quarter life crisis. Having three fixated big dreams played important role on this. It gave me fuel to keep running and somehow those were feel like reasons for living.
I read a lot about midlife crisis. Maybe this is a small part of it. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me which means I need to be busier doing more life than just reading or staring at the screen.
I also read more about this from the Islamic point of view. It opened a few perspectives that I think I haven’t considered previously. During one of the text conversations with the doctor, I once said that I felt like we were entering a new season. Not massive drastic changes, but little things that are shifting slowly. I hope it’s for the better. Amin.
I also conclude that specific adventures are (only) best enjoyed in particular decades. As decades change, we tend to change too, and “the ship has sailed” rings true for a few things (that matter) in life. Time is indeed the only currency that we couldn’t grow back no matter how hard we try.
There are times when I wish someone could tell me this. How life feels like in the 40s, 50s, and so on based on their own experiences. I think we need more wisdom from our own parents and elders while they are still around. What certain in life, it never goes backwards, so listening to those who have been through more than us could be helpful in some ways.
Or maybe, there should be more people of their 40s who share their own thoughts about this. Not the psychological type article or items in bullets with “40 things I wish to know before 40” on the title page, but the real situation and problems they deal with inside out.
What soothes me a bit, judging from past experiences, is that during the period of confusion, by pattern, I’ll keep looking ahead to find some answers, and that is a good thing.
One of them is to finally write this for public and press the publish button.
My lovely dinner table, 4 Ramadan 1446H.
Welcoming Ramadan with excitement is one thing that haven’t been changed since many years ago. Growing up, Ramadan (not Eid) is the most festive time of the year and I saw how my mom took it really seriously, especially in creating the ambience for Ramadan, the massive cleaning, the meal prep, done at least two months before.
I once thought what’s with the fuss. Should fasting make things simpler? But slowly I realized, all those advance preparations before Ramadan is to make most of the Ramadan to the fullest. Especially when you had to take care a family of five.
The preparations done months before Ramadan allows you to focus on what’s important during Ramadan because you have taken care those stuff that are related to fasting and make it easier and less hassle.
Of course this is not compulsory, but, it’s totally different feeling to pray, to learn when you intentionally set the ambience and the environment to support the rituals. Clean house, fresh bedsheets, praying set, and towels, the special decoration, the specific scent of Ramadan around the home, all the best efforts to welcome the most precious guest of the year.
I might be forty, but, the certain scent of Ramadan at home is still stuck on my mind.
Personally, Ramadan has been an annually precious guest whose presence are always welcomed wholeheartedly and it makes me happy that I always take it seriously.
Ramadan Mubarak for those who observe the Holy Month!
The popular term that has been around is called “Post Umrah Depression”, but, personally, I prefer to call it the void.
Rather than depression, which sounds too much, void seems to be a more suitable word for the feeling.
That feeling of constantly missing something that can’t be described. The ambience, the struggle, or the excitement of preparing for the Umrah. I missed them all.
The two months of arranging, researching, and making endless inquiries for the Umrah trip were one of the most exciting periods, which had been missing for a while. I always loved travel planning, but the level of excitement for this Umrah was very much above average compared to any previous trips.
On social media, I was constantly torn between resuming my typical content consumption to ‘returning to’ the typical day mood and craving any footage of Haram.
To return there quickly is not the solution. Four times going there, I understand that real work is not when we are in the most peaceful place on earth. It’s when we return home. It’s how we bring all the virtues we have there to our real life here, and that’s not easy. I found myself releasing some heavy breathing occasionally.
There should be an explanation how to deal with it and how long this will last.
Well, till then.
(Sigh)😥
We only slept two days in Medina.
The initial schedule was arriving in Madina around 9.30 morning, but then, six hours delay made us has to deal with 10 hours of layover and arrived at 21.30.
A flight with 100% punctuality and no delay history, yet, it delayed for 6 hours, ONLY on the day we departed. Instead of arrived early as planned, we had 10 hours of layover in the airport, wasted and doing nothing. Even the transit hotel plan missed us.
Half of the day was abruptly taken by unexpected event, half of them was more for Umra preparation, it left us with a full day in Madina. but Allah made this brief time spent in Madinah sufficient for all things that the heart yearned.
Arrived in Madina exhausted and unfocused. Alhamdulilah we chose the right hotel after changed it for few times. At least, something was right.
Nabawi has always been tranquil and beautiful. I only had few main itineraries in Madina other than regular pray in Nabawi. Visiting Quba, Raudah, and Rasulullah Biography museum.
Entering Raudah now needs some permit and it is quite hard to obtain. It seemed too good to be true until it turned out happening on the last minute. Even how smooth the visit was left me speechless.
It reminds me of one of Rasulullah SAW saying : “What has reached you was never meant to miss you and what has missed you was never meant to reach you”.
In this Umrah trip, we experienced both.
Umrah bound to Makkah using Haramain train and the Umrah process itself Alhamdulilah went smoothly.
The real struggle was when dealing with the bucket list.
In few previous umrah and Hajj, pray in the ground floor with Kabah view was a regular thing to have. Doing daily Tawaf on the ground floor is easily reachable. Returned to Haram afrer 13 years, it’s totally different situation to deal with.
It tortures me to certain degree on this trip until I spent almost 30.000 STEPS just to execute what has been fixated on my mind which becomes one of the bucket lists in this trip.
Constructions are all over the places and many access blocked. You can’t just enter from any gates to have what I want to have. More blocked access for woman too. Beside that, maybe as it’s getting closer to Ramadan, it’s been quite crowded.
I spent the whole first morning trying to figure out this, then continue the quest between zuhur and asr. Couldn’t stand the thought of coming here from thousand miles away just to accept things at it is without any proper fights.
Hajj was crowded and I even managed to do this for every prayer time I did in mosque, not easily of course. The voice inside kept saying, « Haji aja bisa masa umroh ngga ». Such thought can be poisonous, but I’d rather consider it as fuel.
When I finally figured it out, then I understood that I couldn’t have everything due to current situation and had to compromise a bit.
Such understanding can only be accepted knowing I have done the best possible thing through these thirty thousand steps.
Knowing what you want is indeed a blessing and a curse.
Umrah with Kid
I have been sounding several times to my travel members that we would plan for an Umrah trip once my daughter reached akil baligh age. The time when she’s considered an adult in Islam.
But then, plans changed, the calling for Umrah came faster and after a long search, the only way forward was to execute the plan.
I have told her many times that Umrah trip is totally different with any other trips that we have been through. It will be tough, it will be harder, and it won’t be a trip to the park and playground.
She once again, showed her maturity beyond her age in traveling. Dealing with long hours of layover, anxious and exhausted parents without any complaints which is the total opposite of her mother. I wish I could be as easy going as she is, a little bit.
As she has survived any kind of walks and hike, from beach to mountain, she endured all the walk and hike in this Umrah trip.
Taking children for Umrah for the first time, I learned that we should really set a realistic expectation for them and for us. Certain standard that allows them to enjoy their experience without compromising the parents standard of ibadah. We have gone far for that, after all.
So, what I did was in Madinah, we went all the way for five times prayer since the hotel is nearby and it was manageable.
While in Mecca, she only went for five times prayer in Zuhur, Maghrib and Isya altogther. Tahajud and subuh only for parents, and she just woke up once adzan subuh heard. Even her parents were leaving and doing their own thing separately.
Zuhur was at the mosque while Asr she stayed at home to have some early dinner to prepare Maghrib and Isya together at the mosque. Providing books during the waiting between Maghrib ane Isya worked well for her.
The only city tour I wanted for this trip only for museums and looked like it suits her well.
I hope this trip brings her joy, more experience and excitement as a moslem, and may Allah always guard her in every step of the way. Amin.
Epilogue
A trip (especially) to Holy Lands has always been about my meticulous plan and the reality that reminded me (especially) again and again the He is The One Who Decided all the results.
I often wonder should I be less invested in things so the expectation would be somehow not makes you devastated when things don’t go according to the plan?
I know all the theory.But, during turbulence it’s often hard to think clearly and stop the what ifs. I think this is the price of being quite opinionated and determined (In bahasa : sok tau and banyak mau).
His bounties are more than we deserve, but, the way it reaches us, I still need more training to get used to the suprise.
This trip is personally challenging.
It is emotionally exhausting, dealing with the unexpected long delay, the crowd five times a day, yet it is also exceptionally rewarding.
To have all my bucket list ticked with certain degree of struggle, to witness all the little help from Allah through the strangers we met, to enjoy the trip at our own pace, the best duration of the trip, surviving a long delay, completing Umrah together, again, Alhamdulilah is an understatement.
I saw that the doctor somehow also enjoyed it in his own way. Hopefully, he also found what he’s looking for other than all the surpsingly good speciality coffee in these two holy cities. We also had a young smart mutowwif as a company and the discussion has been really interesting.
Despite the struggle and the crowd, I love Makkah more than Madinah. I love how quiet it is in spite of the loudness. I love how diverse it is. Madinah is literally tranquil, but Makkah has some level of peacefulness that Madinah couldn’t have.
In the end, May Allah receive all the worship, grant all the prayers, and give us many more chances to return to these blessed places. Amin.
A Penny for My Pensieve 