A Penny for My Pensieve

..when she’s gone

It’s true. My life has been just fine these days. fine.

Even after a month, these eyes are still so teary every time i remember her. any single things about her.

I miss her more on Fridays. My mind keeps flashing back to that black friday. It’s literally black, the sky, the atmosphere of the room. Everything.

Let’s go back.

I didn’t stay with her on Thursday night, that was one of two days which i didn’t stay with her. I went aerobics in Friday morning, then big bear picked me up the we went together to the hospital.

I was phoned that her doctor wanted to talk to me, which later he just wanted to say that her conditions is getting worse and it was ok to bring her home.

I kept telling big bear to hurry while he was driving. There was uncomfortable feeling inside that i couldn’t explain that made me really want to meet her soon. The doctor stood me up almost 1 hour that i really wanted to leave him.

At 11 am, i entered the room. the atmosphere was so different. It’s so quiet. Me and ts took turn. Minutes after big bear left me for Jum’at prayer. Then, there was me and her alone.

A nurse was there, checking her temperature and blood pressure. I saw her did it once, then, she did it again. It gave me a shiver, and ask how was it. She said it was 37,9 C and 90/60. I felt more more uncomfortable hearing that. She almost never had that low, the blood pressure. And I asked again, how many times it’s been checked today. She said three times.

110/70

100/60

90/60.

If i said uncomfortable before, i felt that my heart stopped beating for a while hearing that.

I used to take some nap in the sofa while took care of her, but that Friday, I didn’t. I don’t know why I didn’t. I just felt that I don’t want to leave her.

So, I kept sitting next to her bed. Reading her Yassin, repeating tahlil for times, and only break for lunch and pray. I half slept beside her, whispering to her that  big bear made it to residency, as she always wish it, rubbing her hands, watching her heavy breathing. I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

at 14.30, one of her dear friends came. Ask me to allow her in, I did. She was crying a lot. I did too.

This uncomfortable feeling was getting stronger after her friend went home. Even i hesitated to leave her alone for ashar prayer. Then at 16, i whispered to her ear, I wanted to pray first, a minute.

16.20, big bear came with batala. They just attended technical meeting for our reception. some minutes later, my aunt came. and, I didn’t know why, I followed her outside while she was talking with big bear.

Suddenly, batala called me, said that the nurses doing the suction. It was actually an usual medication they gave her, but i ran quickly to the room. I stood near her feet. All day long sitting next to her, I was watching the pulse in her neck beating all the time. Then I saw it.

I saw it’s no longer beating. Then my eyes caught the oxygen measurement tool in her finger, it showed 66, which normally it was between 90-92. I shouted panickedly to the nurse, i think there was a moment where i felt i was losing my brain, i just kept shouting, and ran to her ear. The nurses just realized that and hurriedly call the doctor.

What I’ve been doing in those last minuets was whispering tahlil to her ear, and crying hard. Crying hard till i wanted to vomit. Crying and shouting as loud as i could be. My dad joined me in those last minutes.

I couldn’t control my self. I keep crying and shouting until my aunt had to hold me tightly to calm me down. I ran to the bathroom because i couldn’t resist the intention to throw up all the things I felt inside. It was real. It was real that she’s gone. Forever.

The rest was history. I didn’t bother. What matter that she was no longer here.

It’s the 8th Friday since she left. I’m still crying hard. Everywhere.

Street, car, while praying, eating, name it.

All the memories about her seem so real, as if it just happened in a blink.

I bring her in everything I do, everywhere I go. I wear her veils, shoes, watch, bags. Eventough, wearing those things, will never replace how precious kissing her hand before going out, sleeping next to her watching korean drama, talking hours to her after she went home teaching in her room, hugging her and smelling her lovely scent, spending time doing many things together, which we, I and her, had a lot. Much more than anyone in the family, travelling together, again, only us, which I had more than my brother and sister. Bogor, KL, and our greatest trip together : Hajj.

But, that’s the very best I can do to keep her close. I bring her in my body, my mind, my heart. In every pray I spell.

Quoting from Yann Martel, Life of Pi :

“To lose your mother,… well, that is like losing the sun above you”

It is. There will be no more sunshine above me, ever.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. It’s not warm when she’s away.

” Saya iri. Benar-benar iri kepada almarhumah. Saya katakan itu kepada istri saya. Beliau meninggal di hari Jum’at. Setelah pulang haji. Masya Allah..”

She went exactly two weeks after Hajj, on Friday afternoon. I think it was in the afternoon because many people wanted to see her for the last time,since yeah, almost everybody loves her.

” Almarhumah baik sekali sama saya. Saya dibeliin ceret air, karena punya saya uda bocor”

She bought that new ceret for the woman who takes care grandma’s tomb. Just few months ago. It turned out that she bought it for herself too. To water her own. She was the one who can’t take everything ‘asal-asalan’. Subhanallah..

“Ada banyak hal saya pelajari dari almarhumah. Tapi, ada dua yang paling saya ingat. Beliau adalah orang yang sangat menjaga sholat fardhu. Dia selalu bilang bahwa kemanapun dia cuma berdoa supaya dimudahkan untuk menunaikan shalat fardhunya. Yang kedua, beliau itu selalu memikirkan orang lain. Bukan cuma saudara, tapi hampir semua orang.”

For this, I can tell a lot. For shalat, yes,she did really concern about that. Look at her bags, then we will find pantyliners in every space, since she really afraid that her underwear is dirty. Until her last days, she had to make sure times, that her pee wouldn’t spread to the bed.

As she always think about others, that’s too true. Not only family, it was literally everyone. She bought habatussauda to be given to her collegues, free, she gave a sack of rice to every tukang bajaj who sent her home, and many more.

 

Dear Bu gendut..

You must be very happy up there. Didn’t you have all of your wish fulfilled?

“Ibu ngga mau nyusahin. selalu minta jangan dikasih sakit lama-lama. Kalau sudah ngga bisa sholat dengan baik, lebih baik dipanggil”.

Ngga nyusahin.Checked.

Ngga dikasih sakit lama-lama.Checked.

Sudah ngga bisa sholat dengan baik, dipanggil. Checked.

“Ibu uda siapin semua ya. Jadi, kalian ngga usah cari-cari. Sabun,batik,handuk”.

Yes, she did prepare all of that since years ago.

This house is so empty without you. And it feels less homy. much less homy.

Me, missing you, too much..

 

Three months

Two big events

One purpose

It’s tough, indeed..

This month might become one of the most important months this year.

I am waiting for my hajj departure announcement and another next best thing, I don’t really keen on saying the term, but, I couldn’t find any suitable one, so, let say, we’re having our big family meeting and engagement by the end of this month, Insya Allah.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately. Of me getting married in the next few months, Insya Allah. I’ve asked him one day, “feel scare?afraid?”

He answered, “Nope, looking forward to it”.

Me?

I can’t clearly describe it. I’ve been religiously reading many of wedding blogs since several years ago. I enjoy many of them. Often thinking that if one day will be my turn, how it would feel. At that time, tiny part of my hear answered,

“I really can’t imagine me, getting married. I even can’t imagine to whom”

And now I’m here, and almost there, somehow I still can’t really figure out, and keep asking, ” Am I really doing this?Doing all those preparations those girls did?Experiencing what they’ve been going through as well?Me?”

I feel stupid and pity my self at the same time. Feel stupid as if I’m a teenage girl by asking those questions. You’re almost 28, my dear self. Wake up.

I do wake up, in fact, I’m living it.

Or maybe is it the fact that I’m finally,truly with him, which feels unbelievable for me?

After all these long and rocky journeys we had?

He really had strong faith, and believe that one day, in the end, no matter what we had to go through, who we were to be with first,we will end up together. He told me this few years ago.

As for me, I’m not that confidence to say that. Instead, I’ve been proposing a long question, not to him, to the time to answer

“Do all of these things happen intend to show that we’re too stubborn to accept the fact that we can’t be together or as the tests of perseverance of being together for good in the end?”

Keep repeating that question for years.

And when I’m finally heading to its final answer, well, it still feels unbelieavable.

Or maybe I’m just being too melodramatic.

Whatever it is, I hope nothing but all the next best things happened and may Allah always guide me through all the way. Amin.